DENNIS: CHECKLIST FOR CLEANING A LIVING ROOM

(Note from Mark Remond: In response to a request from “Surrendered Husband” and others, Dennis has supplied his “52 Things” list. “The list,” he notes, “speaks to our own situation and our own household so some [readers] will surely dismiss some of the items. We have lists for other tasks as well, but neither Nancy’s mother, Sue, nor i are of the mind to release these.”)

52 Things to Cleaning a Living Room

The living room is a focal point of the home for family and guests. Thus, it needs to be immaculately clean and well organized—and, in the case of an FLR, that of course means by the “man of the house,” who performs all domestic duties. The women of Nancy's family put this list together as a way of formally communicating what is required to properly clean a living room. It seems that at one point the male definition of cleaning a living room differed significantly from what the women thought it entailed. So, to align things with their requirements and to minimize the need for the women to get involved in housekeeping issues, this list was devised. It is thorough but NOT an all-

encompassing list. From time to time the women will feel the need to add to this list or to change things; that is, of course, their prerogative. After it was originally put together, the women of Nancy's family got the men together and went through the list, item by item, showing them exactly what was required. To aid the men’s learning, the list wasn't handed out; rather the men had to write it down for themselves. I encountered this list soon after I started going home with Nancy for weekends with her family, but that's another story.

Note that, taken together, the 52 items define a thorough cleaning of the living room, of the sort that takes place every three-four weeks or as the woman-in-charge stipulates. This is NOT to say that the living room needs attention only every three-four weeks. Much to the contrary, the living room needs to be cleaned to some degree on a DAILY basis. Thus the gentleman homemaker will give the living room his careful attention by including it in his daily routine. So, on to the 52 points:

1. The living room is cleaned EVERY DAY
2. In the interest of efficiency bring all the cleaning tools and other items you will need to complete a daily cleaning; YOU are responsible for acquiring your own cleaning tools! A lack of supplies or cleaning tools is not an excuse for not doing assigned tasks! AND an apron is mandatory; it instills a proper attitude and focus
3. Look over the living room; is anything out of place or been moved, a chair or table, perhaps? If so, put the items where they belong
4. Check liquor cabinet is stocked with liquors, glasses, etc. Replenish as needed.
5. Look over the picture frames or other wall hangings; dust and straighten them as needed
6. Rearrange the decorative pillows placed on the sofa and chairs; whether they were moved or not; an enlightened gentleman will see the value in his doing so
7. Check the flower vases; if the live flowers are past their prime, discard them and remove the vase. Make a note to replace the live flowers no later than the next day
8. Check and water the potted plants
9. Ensure that coasters are clean and returned to their holder
10. Check and rearrange the silk flowers; refresh the arrangement periodically; an enlightened gentleman will see the value in his doing so
11. Look over the window treatments; are they hanging correctly? If not, fix them! If you are cleaning the living room at the start of the day, open the drapes before starting; if you are cleaning the living room at the end of the day, close them when you're finished
12. Gather and remove cups, glasses, saucers, drinks, bottles, plates, etc. Remove these items properly, using your tray
13. If sweaters or coats have been left in the living room, hang them
14. If shoes have been left in the living room, return them to the wearer's closet after cleaning
15. Tend to the coffee table and end tables. Dust and remove any spots, smudges, or spills.
16. Replace all ashtrays on a daily basis; empty, remove, wash the ashtrays you replaced; after cleaning return these ashtrays to the cupboard
17. Ensure that there are matches in place for the benefit of smokers; match books should be located on the table with covers sprung open; match books with any matches removed are unacceptable and should be replaced
18. Discard the contents of the candy dish on a daily basis; wash the dish and replace it with a new one with fresh items. The items should vary day-to-day so as to present a variety to the women of the house and their guests
19. Locate and return the TV and DVD remotes to their places; check that the remotes function; replace batteries if necessary
20. Remove and properly store any CDs and/or DVDs
21. Inspect the TV screen; clean if necessary
22. Return magazines to the magazine rack. Ensure that the magazines in the rack are arranged by magazine name and date, most recent on top
23. Check that lamps are functioning; immediately replace any burnt-out bulbs
24. Ensure that the ceiling fan is properly functioning
25. Carefully inspect for any spills and spots on the rugs; spot clean and dry as necessary; use a blotting motion in caring for spots or spills; redo and redo again if the spot doesn't come out the first time
26. Dusting – go through the living room with a duster, addressing the furniture, shelves, tables, and chairs
27. Dust the hardwood floor around the area rug
28. Wipe door knobs and switch plates
29. Vacuum – Vacuum high-traffic areas of the living room on a daily basis; go
    
    over these areas at least twice to ensure appropriate cleaning
30. Vacuum S-L-O-W-L-Y! The vacuum cleaner is more effective that way
31. Check the sofa and chairs for spills; spot clean if necessary
32. Fluff the cushions on the sofa and chairs; vacuum if necessary
33. Using a duster with an extension clear the crown molding all around the room to eliminate any dust or cobwebs
34. Move furniture a section at a time to allow dusting of baseboards and chair
    
    rail; repeat until the entire living room rug has been cleaned in this way
35. Use a crevice tool to vacuum close to base boards and other tight spots; upright vacuums just don't seem to be able to get close enough
36. With furniture moved thoroughly, vacuum. This means going over the area three times in two perpendicular directions and doing so S-L-O-W-L-Y!
37. Sprinkle baking soda or carpet freshener over the area of the rug just vacuumed; wait a few minutes and vacuum again
38. Thoroughly dust the tables and chairs, being careful to get in, around, and under; pay particular attention to decorative details in the furniture that can collect dust
39. After cleaning tables and chairs, and eliminating any smudges, apply furniture polish and buff to an appropriate shine
40. Thoroughly clean sofa and chair cushions, vacuuming, spot cleaning, and if necessary washing or having professionally cleaned – professional cleaning is ONLY with the approval of the woman-in-charge
41. Vacuum the sofa and chairs thoroughly front, back, inside and out
42. Thoroughly dust the TV stand and its components
43. Thoroughly dust bookcases. This means removing books from the cases a few at a time and dusting them as well as their shelves
44. Clean lamps and lamp shades; if you have the woman's confidence, she may allow you to replace the lampshades with some of your own choosing
45. Carefully remove and dust knickknacks, noting exactly where they were located in the display case, tables, bookcases, etc. Return the knickknacks to their exact previous location.
46. Take down all window treatments and clean and wash as appropriate. If you have the confidence of the woman to choose window treatments, do so and replace the ones that were hanging; otherwise, ask the woman-in-charge to make a selection
47. Wash windows inside and out; wash each window a minimum of two times
48. Clean ventilation, heating and cooling grates and registers
49. Ensure that doors are thoroughly dusted, including the tops of door frames; often overlooked; this is the first area to be inspected and she WILL inspect!
50. Clean the downstairs powder room/guest bathroom every day. The powder
    
    room is considered an extension of the living room. This is an on-your-knees cleaning that includes toilet, sink, floors, and supplies
51. Periodic professional cleaning is required for carpets, drapes, and upholstery. Consult with the woman-in-charge if you feel such services are needed; be prepared to justify your opinion
52. Work with the woman-in-charge to review the furniture arrangement in the living room to see if she wants to make any changes; do as she directs

DENNIS: 'A GUY WHO HAS HIS FLR PRIORITIES STRAIGHT'

(Note from Mark Remond: Dennis was so impressed with a recent comment to an earlier post on HOUSEKEEPING 101  that he responded at some length, and then agreed to my reqeuest to make a separate post of it. You’ll find Tommy’s comment immediately below Dennis’ response.)

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Tommy,

Thank you for your excellent post spoken from the perspective of one who's in the lifestyle and obviously enjoying it. We have much in common in terms of our approach to serving our women and the assuming of our domestic responsibilities. i and other men i know in the lifestyle work from a schedule that parallels yours. Light cleaning every day with some heavier tasks also in play, circumstances permitting. I also have a daily tasks to tend to, laundry being one, ironing another.

And, as you note, serving the women is always top priority, so housekeeping may have to be postponed to accommodate their situation. If Nancy is going out of town on business, it's my job to pack her bags. If the women are entertaining, then my priorities are focused on preparing a small meal, serving drinks, greeting the women, hanging coats, making drinks, and so on. A lot of work but a lot of fun too. In these situations housekeeping takes a back seat temporarily and often gets done in the wee hours of the morning after the women have left. I have two hours of personal time allocated each day, but it's understood that this is only with the women's permission AND if my work is done; otherwise, personal time has to be work time.

Heavy cleaning is done on weekends or when the women are away, much as you note. It's a practical approach that allows me to focus my efforts appropriately. Any of the things i'm expected to do are spelled out. Nancy's mother, Sue, has standards for everything—such as “52 Things That Add up to a Clean Living Room.” These are things She checks when inspecting my work—and She does inspect! Sounds burdensome but it isn't; i know exactly what's expected and do it.

You are also correct that one must be efficient; this is very important. There's a lot to get done and get done in an acceptable manner. Unfortunately, when most men are trained, often by their wife or a member of her family, efficiency just isn't taught, leading to problems later. In a pending post i will discuss my working as a housekeeper in both a hotel and for a residential maid service. Frankly, this is what most men should be getting, not just instruction on basic skills but on how to do these things efficiently; how to do more in less time. Sue arranged my housekeeper work for that reason; the more efficient I am, the more i can do. My doing more makes all of us happy. I take a lot of pride in serving the women and in keeping house; it's enjoyable and fulfilling. Men in traditional relationships just don't understand, but once one gets into an FLR, men get another perspective and adapt readily to the role of homemaker.

Nancy and i have a number of earlier posts on this blog that concern things like housekeeping, shopping, and so on, all topics that are important to a mutually fulfilling FLR. We both appreciate your comment; it's always nice to hear from others in the lifestyle.

d

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Tommy’s comment on “MORE COMMENTS ON ‘HOUSEKEEPING 101”:

I find it fascinating how much guidance men need in housekeeping. I guess I've been doing it so long, I have been regarding housework as a common sense skill, refined to Her preferences. One point I find particularly useful to convey is "efficiently" effective housekeeping. Anybody can spend 3 hours to make a bathroom spotless and sparkling, but to do as perfect a job in 45 minutes or LESS is the challenge.

One point I would like to convey is scheduling. In Her house we have established a housekeeping schedule. A whole-house light cleaning is done daily as schedules permit. I say as schedules permit because lets be honest, one cannot always work a full day at the office, come home, cook, clean, shop, serve AND please Her, every day! Some nights we entertain, or go out, or simply devote the night to Her pleasure, BUT the tasks must be made up, naturally. So, light cleaning daily. Deep-cleaning at least 2 rooms on Sunday while She shops with Her Gal-pals or, during this time of year, watches football with them. Deep-cleaning involves cleaning walls, floors, ceiling fans, scrubbing bathroom fixtures, polishing and moving furniture and appliances to clean behind, windows and vacuuming, plus washing all sheets and towels.

During this time, it's important to note that i am to serve their slightest whim if they're home. And, i am strictly prohibited from placing a single glance at the television, ESPECIALLY if it's a sporting event (men+tv(esp. sports)=worthless zombie). Special projects (home improvement, painting, repairs, etc) are undertaken when She is away on Her Gals weekends monthly.

Efficiency in shopping is also very important. You often see men wandering the market like zombies looking for the most basic of items. Learn the shop, where everything is, when it's stocked, and the prices of items. Know what you want. Have a list. And critical, know the checkers. Who's fast, who chats, who's helpful. Go in, get it all, get out. I plan shopping continually and organize my list and coupons during lunch breaks at work, and ALWAYS ask Her if there's anything special i need to pick up. Oh, and need I say that everything mentioned above should be concluded with "...or as otherwise directed".

Great blog, as always!!

HÉLÈNE: FEMALE AUTHORITY IN THE WORKPLACE & MATRIARCHY

Here are my answers to two recent reader questions:

Q. What are your beliefs in regard to female authority in the workplace?

Of course I believe that having women in positions of authority in the workplace is a good idea. In my own line of work, men and women work together. I am usually in charge, however, when I work for a theatre, as I am the head of the department.

Female authority in my workplace works a little differently, with both men and women having, or being capable of having, similar positions of power. As far as I am concerned, I know whatever stage set I step on

to, whatever theatre I end up working in, I know I am the one in charge. I enjoy my work because I am making a very nice salary, and as artists we all are inspired by one another. Those who have seen my personal relationship—as my boyfriend works in the arts, though not the same section—have commented on it, and I have been able to bring it into my own department as well.

 

As you might guess, I think any ascent of women to positions of authority is a benefit to society in general. It is good for women to take on authority and responsibility, and it is good for men to feel comfortable in subordinate roles. They can finally act out their wonderful talent of obeying rules by ceasing to compete so much in areas which require more connections. It will be of great benefit to them.

I have read some of the Female Supremacy information on this website, and while I agree with some of it, I think the change lies more in the attitude of women toward themselves and how men see themselves than in career achievement. Leadership comes in so many forms; it comes from personal power and self-confidence. Women must create a unified effort if they are to assume a general state of control, whereas currently they seem to be more interested in their individual achievement. So this is something I see as blocking women on their leadership path. They should stop seeing men as something against which they must compete.

Self-confidence and personal power come from an unstoppable sense that what you have to offer is unique, valuable, and perfectly respectable. First off, I would never see men as a threat because, well, they are men. Emotional, insecure, and in need of constant guidance and supervision, It is up to women to understand and soothe men's fears and quietly and calmly relegate them to their proper roles. We will assure men we have no need to compete with them; they will definitely be accorded a role appropriate to the future, one much better than the one they have previously played, and they will appreciate all the discipline and structure we give them.

Q. Do you believe in Matriarchy or a female-dominated society, and what would that look like?

In my general view, society has always been matriarchal; it's only that women did not assert themselves as blatantly as they do now, and are now assuming more institutional power and are trying out combinations of power and strength. The idea that being “soft” is inherently feminine or that “logic” is inherently male is, in my opinion, a fallacy concocted by men to justify outrageous behaviour which we women have tolerated and even permitted for far too long. “Unspoiling” children might take awhile, but it is worth it in the end. Men have been lied to and deluded into the belief of themselves as the only capable leaders for a long time. It will take a firm but gentle hand to correct their behaviour and lead them to better choices.

I personally think a matriarchal society can come about only when women cease arguing among each other and think in a “bonded,” unified way. After all, we will all need some assistance in helping our men adjust to a new role in society, we should really not waste our energy fighting one another.

It might be a great thing if women in charge were preferred, but I think giving men a little freedom might help to keep their spirits up. Good men, like mine, pose little or no threat to women. But if we could shift things to a more appropriate power structure, where a woman could exercise discipline in the workplace and at home, it would be of a general benefit to society.

After having said all this, I suppose I do believe in a matriarchal world. I have a friend, Stéphanie, with a completely matriarchal household. Her son, Hugo, is the youngest of three (two older girls). For both Hugo and his father, Laurent, household chores are the first priority, and Hugo spends his time after school making a snack for and waiting on his sisters when they get home from school and only doing his own homework once the dishes from dinner have been put away. Stéphanie never looks at Hugo's report card, and after he turns sixteen he will leave school and help his father around the house. I suppose it is important to provide men with a great space inside the home, although I guess everyone is different. It would be great if men wanted to volunteer their services. I only can only speak for my relationship in that my boy is keeping his butt in the kitchen where he belongs.

When people I work with find out about the relationship (and I have given a few women I know some suggestions), some find the idea exciting, others think I am being too hard on my boy. They think he's “too nice” for this, but it's his loving and accommodating manner that attracts me to him. As for some of these men at work, I have in fact smacked them on the butt after firmly establishing a relationship of appropriate submission. I generally walk into a room quite confident and have been working on this my entire life. When I was spanking my cousins, one of whom is older than me, I made sure the dominance permeated every aspect of my relationship, speech and interaction with him. It's the same with work. Although a lot of the men I work with are not into women, and therefore it is a little different, a few of them lead very chaotic lives and respond well to discipline. You must be careful, of course, that this is a steady and natural progression—not just all of a sudden. I have spanked male friends, I have told them what to do. I am the mistress of men in my life.

UNDER HER THUMB (BOOK REVIEW)

Now and then I get asked to review books, mostly about Female Led Relationships—or, a bit naughtier, about female domination, fictional or otherwise. My policy has been to take a polite pass on all such. But now that I’ve posted a couple femdom fantasies of my own on these pages, I decided to make an exception.

I’m glad I did. Under Her Thumb: Erotic Stories of Female Domination is an impressive collection of femdom fiction. The short selections are not only arousing (especially for woman-worshipping blokes like me), but uncommonly well written. A proper bow to D.L. King for her excellent editing—and her writing. Ms. King’s “Hound and Hare” is a deftly told tale of consensual entrapment with some amusing background on the Hash House Harriers, a worldwide social hounds-and-hare running club—or, as Hashers prefer to call themselves, “drinkers with a running problem.”

“There are no clunkers in this collection” one reviewer has noted. I agree. I’m not partial to play-by-play accounts of sexual encounters of any kind, so I was wary from page one. But I was quickly relieved to find that the focus of these erotically imaginative vignettes was on delicious encounters and seductive

situations, not on who did what to whom and with what.

My personal favorite was Andrea Dale’s “Fear Not,” in which a devoted domme wife devises a diabolically effective way to cure her husband’s lifelong “glossophobia” (you can look it up). The last-sentence payoff is absolutely O’Henry-esque.

Other devoted and tender dommes are to be found here, inflicting almost unbearable bliss on their willing subs. For instance, there is “Her Majesty,” the affectionate title given by Lawrence Westerman to his supremely dominant mate of twenty-five years. Westerman’s “Her Majesty’s Plaything” (also the name of his provocative blog) offers a glimpse into what seems close to Shakespeare’s idealized “marriage of true minds.”

An honorable mention definitely goes to Laura Antoniou’s “Blame Spartacus,” in which we witness a young woman’s fulfillment of a schoolgirl fantasy, watching gladiators fight for her thumbs-up favor; and to Teresa Noel Roberts “Business Managing,” a tale of lascivious late nights in the executive suite.

Confession: I skimmed a couple stories; perhaps I was already surfeited. After all, it doesn’t do for a boy to get too excited. My verdict? Five stars. Second Confession: My own fevered attempts at this genre would not, alas, merit inclusion in Under Her Thumb. Yes, it’s that good—though just a wee bit literary for my plebeian palate.

DENNIS: EARNING THE RIGHT TO SERVE

(Note from Mark Remond: As Dennis has responded at some length to a recent reader comment on “DENNIS: MNO X 3,” I decided to make it a separate post.)

From “Surrendered Husband”:

Could you give some guidance as to how a man can prevent a woman from serving him? I do not want to give offense. Many women feel natural doing that and when my wife takes me to other ladies homes I always jump right in with the ladies who are cleaning up or serving. They mostly love it but regularly tell me that I do not 'need to' do this or that, but that they have it under control.

I always tell them that it is my pleasure and would feel remiss in my duties as guest if I did not 'help out'.

My wife generally excuses herself or rests in plain sight like the other men do.

I am interested in how Yoshi, who seems to come from a traditional male oriented culture could be convinced so quickly to relax and become 'the boss'.

I would LOVE to have the ladies I serve while visiting simply stop working and turn it all over to me, but I can not simply order them to relax now can I?

 

—Surrendered

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Dennis replies:

“Surrendered Husband,” you ask a good question. Unfortunately, societal norms are such that women are taught to serve others. This is based on the old rules of patriarchy and has to be changed. As progressive gentlemen it's our responsibility to drive such changes through our actions. From your posting i have to say that you can NEVER order the Ladies; rather, you have to earn the right to serve, as i'll explain. Your Wife should always excuse herself from work; she is there to enjoy herself. men, on the other hand, should be serving, not relaxing; Women are going to have to change male expectations of being served.

One of the reasons Women often want to serve at a gathering is that they feel that men are either unable or unwilling to do so. You have to dispel such thoughts by demonstrating your skills and willingness and should enlist the support of your Wife in doing so.

So, what can you do to expedite such change? Well, a number of things:

§  Make sure your serving skills are up to par. Have your Wife invite her mother and sisters for a social with the intent of observing and critiquing your performance. Make all the corrections they suggest. You want to be up to the task and exceed Women's expectations.

§  If you and your Wife are going to a party or other social gathering, ask to Her

speak with the hostess ahead of time to let her know of your desire to prepare and serve Women at such events.

§  Many Women see men as being incompetent in preparing and graciously serving a party or social gathering; make sure that you are up to the high standards Women have and that your wife communicates this to the hostess. The hostess needs to be assured that you will do a good job and meet her standards for service.

§  You may want to showcase your talents to the hostess by having your Wife invite her for a casual coffee or tea where you serve them and thus demonstrate your skills. This can be a larger event where a number of women are invited and served, depending on the situation

§  When you arrive at the party, be ready to work, go right to the kitchen, put on your apron and get to work.

§  Respect the women; it's always "Yes, Ma'am," "Ladies, what may i bring you?" and so on. Be attentive but not intrusive.

§  If any men attend the event, have your wife playfully but firmly direct them to the kitchen to be a part of preparing and serving the meal or refreshments. Make sure She tells all of them that "in our house an evening out for the women is just that; the men prepare, serve, and clean up!"

§  And, i might add, that at our house and in the homes of other FLR couples, men may be present but are NEVER served! Men congregate in the kitchen TO serve! This is one of many protocols we have in Nancy's family. This particular protocol is one of many written rules we have that set the household order and define male roles.

§  Again, your Wife can be a big help. If the women have congregated in the kitchen to prepare a meal or refreshments, have your Wife bring them out to sit and chat, saying, "My husband can do this, why don't you come and relax!" i'm betting that a number of Women will follow her lead. As you demonstrate your skills, it's likely that the other Women will have the confidence in you to sit and relax as well.

You ask about Yoshi. Yes, she quickly learned to like being served, perhaps because it was so much different from what she was used to. In her culture women serve, but in an FLR Women are served! It was a wonderful experience for her, so much so that She said, "I can get used to this service from men." For Her, it was throwing off patriarchy. She found that when she insisted on her husband doing things, his macho facade fell away and his true submissive character came out. She is not only having him do houseworkm but she's going to have him do a tea service party for her and some of her friends; her mother is training him. i am delighted to report that Yoshi is well on Her way to an FLR. She has an interesting story as the myth of male superiority has completely crumbled right in front of her with relatively little effort. Her husband feels better, too, "no longer having to live the lie."  i'm happy to help him make the transition to the lifestyle.

So, a long reply, but you have to be willing to serve and serve competently. Women were skeptical of my abilities to coordinate and serve parties, but no more. Nancy and Sue are often asked to “borrow” me for an evening to serve a party for one of their Woman friends. I'm only too happy to do so!

--d

DENNIS: MNO X 3

MNO No. 1—Ikebana

We had a series of Men’s Nights Out, three of them, all in two weeks, and of course all-women approved. Typically we’re only allowed one night out a month, but the women came up with some events they thought would benefit the guys, so…

The first event was a session on the Japanese Art of Ikebana or flower arranging. The women feel that the men in our group have progressed beyond simply keeping the house clean and need to take a step forward and be better at decorating. It’s this feeling on the part of the women that’s driving a Housekeeping 201: Gracious Living course at the Women’s Center. And the men agree!

We all have a collection of vases and make sure flowers are a part of our décor, but Ikebana goes beyond simple flower arranging. It uses different style vessels, varying arrangements and can display different parts of the plant. It’s an art form! Yoshi, our instructor and a friend of Nancy’s mother, Sue, had never taught men and was hesitant to do so, thinking we wouldn’t be serious students. Sue convinced her otherwise and I’m sure it helped to have Sue chaperone the event.

We saw some demonstrations and got to try a few things ourselves. Yoshi is a “feminist in the making” but has a long way to go as far as her attitudes are concerned. She has a tendency to want to serve and defer to men. Of course, no one, male or female, at our meeting was going to let her do this. Instead the men served her and Sue and cleaned up as the evening ended.

The guys learned a lot, but so did Yoshi. She learned that she liked being served and called ”Ma’am.” She was thrilled to have Sue ring a bell and have one of the guys immediately come to serve them, asking how he could help. And she learned about changing roles that have men obeying their wives, doing housework and, yes, even having serious interest in Ikebana. Sue is going to have Yoshi visit again, not just to teach Ikebana, but to socialize. Sue’s betting that a little more of Yoshi’s being served by men will have her changing things at home.

MNO No. 2—Yes, We Do Windows

Our second recent evening out was also arranged by Sue. She convinced Sandy, her friend and an interior decorator, to host an evening at her shop for the guys. Sandy agreed but wanted to focus on one topic and chose window treatments. Now those of us keeping house realize the importance of window treatments, so we were excited to learn from a pro, and so we all were sent off for an evening at Sandy’s shop.

The guys arrived early and helped Sandy with some things around the shop—vacuuming, dusting, and, yes, doing windows. We served a light meal and some great California wine. Sandy gave us a two-hour course on window treatments—blinds, drapes, curtains, sheers, valences, and rods. There’s a lot to learn and the guys enjoyed learning it. Sandy rarely had men in her shop but enjoyed the guys’ demeanor and attention. As for the guys, we learned a lot and came away with window treatment ideas we’d like to try. Of course we knew that any major purchases required our wives’ approval. Tom was the exception; then and there he picked out curtains for his family room. Let’s hope Tom’s wife agrees with his selection; but the rest of us are betting he got Linda’s approval in advance.

MNO No. 3—A Night at the Center

The theme for our third men’s night out was “Working for Feminism, Atoning for Patriarchy.”

This session was a little different. As men committed to Matriarchy and Feminist causes, the men in our group feel deeply obligated to serve women and promote their interests. Tom and I spend every Wednesday night working at the center. Both our wives are directors at the center, so we worship our wives by working at a place so dear to both of them. It is in this spirit that we encouraged the rest of the guys to join us and volunteer as a group to spend an evening there, doing whatever needed to be done. Our wives approved, so I also called the center for permission.

 

By their own proud admission, the women there are “angry Feminists” who don’t want men just showing up, supposedly to help out, and then causing trouble. Men have to be recommended by someone known to the center, preferably a woman, although a man with Feminist credentials will do. Sue and i recommended the guys to the center. When men arrive they have to sign in and show ID; the women want to know exactly who’s there. After we signed in, Connie, the woman in charge (wearing a top emblazoned “BITCH”), handed us all pink shirts to wear that identified us as volunteers who’d been signed in. These shirts are left over from past marches and rallies and adorned with a word or phrase.

Connie provided us some orientation: “If anyone of us—meaning the women—tells you to do something, you do it.” “When you’re done with a job, ask us for another.” Finally she added, “The restroom is at the end of the hall and everyone sits to pee!”

That was it, no small talk, no welcome, no going around the room for introductions, and certainly no thank you for coming. There’s never a thank you; it’s the women who are doing the men a favor by giving them an opportunity for repentance. We were told what to do and soon we were busy filing, copying, serving coffee, cleaning, vacuuming—whatever was needed, whatever we were told.

The women are demanding at the center, but that’s okay. As men we have to take responsibility for how patriarchy has unjustly benefited men at the expense of women. We realize that men—all men—have to atone for the sins of the past whether we, as individuals, were responsible or not. The women at the center realize that progressive gentlemen want to atone, but that doesn’t mean it has to be easy. To the contrary, atonement has to be hard, so the center makes it hard. They are very demanding. “Get to work,” “No chitchat,” “You call that clean?” and the like are often heard as the women make sure they get the most out of every male volunteer. 

Sounds tough, but there’s very little turnover. Most men who volunteer come back to the small church basement on a regular basis and help as they can, doing things in the relative shelter of the center or even doing very public things like participating in Feminist rallies and marches. The public events are particularly important since by men's openly participating, they just may encourage other men to sympathize with Women's causes and even motivate them to participate themselves.

The men have to be very open with their support for women’s causes; the center demands it. If we’re not willing to take to the streets for a march or rally, then we’re not deemed serious enough to continue any association. We do whatever it takes to hasten the demise of patriarchy and that means standing very publicly beside women. I’ve done it and so have the men in our little group; we’ve marched, and picketed, and campaigned, worked the polls, wore decidedly feminine aprons while serving food at an annual fundraiser. And, yes, there's also an expectation that male volunteers support the center financially. With rare exception, male financial support is essential to an ongoing relationship with the center. Financial support is another way to atone. All men have to atone, and we feel good when we do. And in doing so, we worship the women who are supremely important in our lives.

HÉLÈNE: ANSWERS TO SOME COMMENTS

There have been some interesting reader questions about my last posting. Here are my responses for three of the questions. I will respond to the others when my work week calms down a little.

Q. What are your basic beliefs on Female led Relationships?

I believe FLRs are an invaluable relationship model and can be structured any way the woman pleases, and that any man can be encouraged into a Female Led Relationship. Men have been confused about their ability to lead about how much they need to lead, and as things turn back around to a better spot, it will take them time to adjust to a new, more appropriate role. Some men might put up a fight, they might not understand everything that happens, but ultimately, if a positive image for the obedient male can be reinforced in their life, it will become easier for them to adjust to a subordinate role, and they will start to see that women are, in general, better and more understanding leaders. It's important to be patient with men while they make this transition.

Q. How did you come by them [i.e., your basic beliefs]?

I think I always held beliefs about LFA (Loving Female Authority). I grew up with a mother who, though a housewife, exercised complete control at home, and I began disciplining my male cousins, both older and younger. Ever since it has been my dream to have exactly what I want in a relationship, and when I met my little man I found the perfect match. He loves me so much he will do anything to please me, and that is just what I want.

Q. How did you train your boy?

Because we met when he was so young and naive, it was easy to coax out of him those submissive states it takes forever to coax out of other men. When we resumed our relationship (after my return to France from school), he had picked up all sorts of bad habits from other women. For women hoping to elicit a more docile and obedient companion, I have some ideas. (By the way, it would be great to hear from others on the forum, what they do or what their women do to encourage submissive behavior.)

Be firm and confident in your leadership. Women often use questions when talking to men – why??? Use STATEMENTS, and statements only. If you feel uncertain about your leadership, volunteer—not only are you helping a community or cause, but you are also stimulating your decision making and leadership qualities. In my line of work I am virtually self-employed, and if you don't have confidence in your leadership skills, you are lost. Be confident that you are always right, and let your man know that you are, and that he must back down and be obedient. Men respect power, they only understand strength. If you have weaknesses, or an unclear vision, do NOT show it. Do what you're going to do and stick to your decisions at all times! ALL TIMES!

Have a solution in mind. In keeping with the above, do not discuss with your man what his change of behaviour will be—tell him what his change in behaviour will be. “Do this...” It helps. Sometimes be gentle, sometimes stern.

Praise him when he concedes in an argument. I ruffle his hair, pat him on the cheek, and sometimes pat him on his bottom when he has conceded, talking to him gently and telling him, “See, that wasn't so bad,” or something else. Sometimes I say, randomly, “You've been so good lately.”

Encourage him to focus on other things while you take care of the main problems. I never share my problems with my boy, I use other things to distract him. I tell him to do the laundry, the dishes, make the beds, go for a walk, go play some music, or to do something else while I fix the problem. Sometimes he argues, like when we had the rent problem, but I snap my finger and tell him to “get distracted.” He knows what that means.

Infantilize. I love infantilizing my boy. It makes me feel so amorous towards him. I remind him that he really doesn't know what he's doing, or all the facts of the matter, and he shouldn't worry about them. “Now, now,” I say, “I know this is difficult for you, so why don't you go take care of those dishes/that dinner/go read, and I'll figure it out.” Keep in mind that men are, in general, seven years behind women in their emotional growth. They need leadership and guidance, and they should understand they need to be told what to do. It will help them adjust to their roles.

Praise his submissive qualities when he demonstrates them, at random. Tell him, “See, you are so much more enjoyable to be around when you stick to what you're good at...” “I love it when you are relaxed, instead of that argumentative, jerk way when you argue.” “Why do you argue with me all the time?”

My boy is more of an affection guy. He loves to be loved, to know he is giving pleasure. I touch him gently, I kiss him, I tell him how handsome he is, then I deliberately stop listening to him, and get my way. As much as I have used punishment, as I have well documented, I use gentility as much as firmness to show him where he belongs.

One of the things I think men have a right to is the ability to do what they should with everything they need. Giving him gifts of housewares, encouraging him to look around his kitchen or the house and tell me what he needs, helps him accomplish his housework and helps reinforce where he belongs.