Worshipping Your Wife

Gifting the Queen

2012-01-04T14:01:00.000-08:00

In this gift-giving season, I often feel like the Little Drummer Boy— too poor to buy a respectable present for the newborn King. Or, in my case, for my wife Queen.

I dream of extravagant romantic Christmas gifts for her. Like on the TV commercial with the new Lexus parked in the driveway wrapped in a red satin bow.

We have a friend who, on special occasions, has whisked his bride off to London for a theatrical opening, or to Paris for just a romantic weekend getaway.

What a rush that must be, for knight and queen! Like Sir Francis Drake returning from a profitable voyage and laying his treasure at the slippered foot of Queen Bess.

Romantic fantasyland, perhaps. But all of contemporary husbands have these opportunities in miniature, on holidays and every day, chances for gift-giving to our Queens. Gifts small and large. As one husband confessed to Lady Misato: “I'm always looking for ways to surprise her, from bringing home flowers or little gifts or taking her out to a play and dinner.”

But the grand gift—the airline ticket, the turquoise Tiffany box—are definitely off the menu for me and many other wife-led hubbies. It happened because we opted for another grand and extravagant gift—signing the paperwork to have our paychecks direct-deposited into our wives’ private accounts.

I will never forget the dizzying high of taking that plunge. One husband described it this way: “Relinquishing total financial control to a loving, trusted spouse provides a base thrill, like taking your hands off the steering wheel while going 75 m.p.h., knowing that your life will be controlled by another, to such detail as decided upon by the dominant partner.”

Some wives feel the same way. Beckie Sue, author of several guest posts here, confides her feelings after telling her husband that she wanted his paycheck deposited into her private account:

“After that conversation, my stomach was churning, maybe with some fear, but mostly with excitement. Total financial control over your husband is many times more powerful than control over everything else. I walked away with a real high, like on drugs.”

It is a grand gesture: “Take everything I have, my Queen!” That was my plea, and I was overjoyed that she accepted it. And I’ve never regretted it since. I’ve been inconvenienced, embarrassed, even shamed on occasion by a lack of funds. But no regrets.

Still, the question remains, what to do on my Queen’s birthday, and Christmas, and Valentine’s, and our anniversary? With the small occasional allowance I receive from my wife, even minor extravagances are impossible.

A work colleague gets two-dozen roses delivered to her desk every birthday and Valentine’s by her husband. They’re beautiful, she feels special, and I feel so envious! I can’t do that for my Queen.

Over the years, I’ve asked other wife-led husbands about this dilemma. Here are a few responses, starting with Au876 (from Lady Misato’s original Wife Worship Forum):

“This is in reply to your question of how I could buy my wife expensive gifts. I can't. There is no way possible because I do not have free access to any remotely large sum of money. Yes, if she wants something, she buys it and I must say she does not hesitate to splurge on herself. Before she took control of the finances I would buy her expensive gifts from time to time. She appreciated them but often exchanged them for what she really wanted.

“Now she buys what she really wants. But the big plus is how much more she appreciates the gifts I do buy for her. It may be an inexpensive sweater, some new underwear, candy or even flowers from time to time, but she knows I have had to save back from my allowance to make the purchase and she knows I have given up some pleasures for myself to please her. She seems to appreciate them much more than she did expensive gifts that caused me little hardship.”

And here’s another guy in the same financial straits: “Since I am on an allowance, it is difficult to save up to buy the presents that I’d like to get my wonderful wife, but the ones that I do buy, like flowers or other inexpensive items, makes her much happier. She sees me scrimping; trying to save over a couple of weeks to scrape up about $10, my efforts to keep the gift a surprise all have made her happier with what I get for her. And I get such a feeling of accomplishment, and pride at doing something to please her.”

Good advice, but I can’t seem to save back anything from my husbandly allowance. When I do have a $5 or $10 bill in my wallet, or even a $20, one or both of my kids will “need” it—and I’m back to penury.

So, I have to ask her permission to use the credit card which she lets me carry to buy her a present. But, with money tight, she usually vetoes any extravagance, suggesting practical and inexpensive items. A new art calendar from Staples for her office. A new pillow case cover from Target.

Get the picture. I kneel before my queen, sweep my plumed hat in a courtly gesture, and lay before her two gift-wrapped packages worth perhaps $10. This ceremony, thanks to her discretion, is usually performed in private, not when she is opening costly gifts from friends and family.

Of course, there’s the kind of personal gift that the Little Drummer Boy came up with—a gift of one’s talent. This is what I usually end up doing. Printing out amusing little coupons for her next pedicure or massage. Writing her a sonnet or creating her a DVD with love scenes taken from YouTube romantic video clips.

If I had other artistic talents—like ceramics and watercolors, say—I might give her one of those do-it-yourself “I Love You, Mom” pots or paintings that kids bring home from school on Mother’s Day.

Beckie Sue’s paycheckless husband came up with his own gift-giving solution. He volunteers to work occasional Saturdays, telling her that she should use the money “to buy something special, that I show him so he knows what his overtime bought me.”

A part-time job is another possibility for financing a special gift to one’s beloved. This method figured in a memorable letter to Elise Sutton some years back. Alas, the extravagant surprise gift backfired:

“Finally, to top off our perfect evening, I produced a small wrapped package; a gift I'd researched for a month and couldn't wait to give Her. She opened the package and found a diamond and platinum toe ring and a matching anklet, a perfect match to Her belly ring. She realized how expensive these were and asked how I'd gotten the money for this. My paychecks are all deposited in an account in Her name. I am given an allowance for expenses, especially when She travels, but she realized that even if I didn't eat for a week, I couldn't have afforded this. I proudly told Her that I'd gotten a part-time job at night in a jewelry store, which allowed me to buy the gift at a discount.

“It was a beautiful evening, which I thought was perfect but she didn't seem pleased with my gift. Her face registered first hurt and then anger… {In fact,} I'd never seen Her this angry. She told me of her displeasure with me for taking an extra job without her permission. So much for our perfect evening! She is still angry with me but I will do my best to make it up to her.”

Elise’s comment: “You should have realized that she would not be happy about you making such an important decision without consulting her.”

Go figure!

If all this seems slightly out-of-balance, I agree, it is. But not the way it might appear to someone outside a wife-led marriage. For husbands living this blessed life in the Queen’s service, it seems we have been given the ultimate reward. As one man wrote to Elise Sutton:

“By submitting to my wife, I have been given the greatest gift of all. Each day I wake up and thank God I am me.”

Day in the Life, Part 2

2011-12-27T16:06:00.000-08:00

“Keeping it going, staying steady and maintaining devotion day after day-- that is the struggle.”
—Eosuchus, author of “Beneath Her Hem,” commenting on the value of a rigorous daily regimen for a wife-worshipping househusband.

Here, for example, is a typical day-in-the as described by my first mentor in this lifestyle, Au876 (from Lady Misato’s original Wife Worship forum):

Yesterday was a typical day. We got up about 6pm. I brought my wife some coffee. While she took over the bathroom I made the bed, ironed the blouse she was wearing to work (she told me to). She went down to read the paper while I had the bathroom. Before I left, I cleaned her hairbrush, wiped down the vanity, her mirror and made sure the bathroom was clean. I served her breakfast and cleaned up. We went to work.

I got home before she did and had dinner on the stove when she came in. She had a glass of wine while I finished dinner. We ate together and talked about our day. After dinner I washed the dishes and cleaned the kitchen. She sat at the table and we continued talking while I did this. We went for a walk. Back from that she took a shower (yes, I brought her a warm towel to dry off with). Then I took a shower, cleaned the bathroom, hung up her clothes and got my pedicure equipment. She watched TV while I gave her a pedicure and rubbed her feet. When we went to bed she allowed me to perform oral sex on her for a goodly period of time. She did not allow me to have sex but said she may in a week or two. It just depends on how I behave. All of this is so routine it hardly seems worthwhile mentioning. It is a beautiful rut to be in.

And, in brief, here is a day in the life of husband John as described by Mistress Kathy of the increasingly popular femdom101 blog:

Saturday is John's primary house-cleaning day. This is the day he cleans house, top to bottom, changes the sheets on our bed, run errands, and washes my car. This used to be his golfing day….

In one of my favorite exchange postings on the old Spouseclub message board (archived on this site), “Mr. Lynda” and “Mr. Lisa” compare their days, sounding like a pair of 1950s housewives swapping recipes and household tips:

MR. LYNDA: How does my typical day compare with your typical day? I am up quite earlier than Lynda. I prepare the coffee and do whatever baking is needed for the morning. (I have a batter prepared for muffins. If a muffin is what Lynda wants, I will finish the preparation and bake several muffins for us.) If not, I shower and shave. I finish preparing breakfast. Most of the time, it is toast, fruit plate, yogurt. Sometimes I prepare an eggbake of some kind or fix eggs, etc. I bring her coffee in bed. Sometimes I make her morning coffee more erotic by serving her on my knees and kissing her feet and legs while she has her coffee. I make sure that her clothes are pressed. (This is difficult for me. I am going to have to take classes in ironing.)

She comes to the breakfast table and we have breakfast together. After she leaves, I do the dishes and prepare to leave for my work. (At the present time, work is a class for lifeguards. I will be working at the pool this summer.)
I arrive home at about 4:15 p.m. and begin to prepare for supper. (Sometimes I prepare a supper as chosen by Lynda. Sometimes I have to prepare it using my own thought… Lynda does not always have the time to make these decisions.

I begin to prepare supper. I take a quick shower and change into clothes for the evening. I get the table ready and finish supper. Lynda arrives home at about 5:45 p.m. I meet her at the door with the newspaper and a cold drink. She lounges while I do the last minute preparations. She may go upstairs and take a quick shower or bath to relax. I serve supper and sit down with her. After we have eaten, she goes into the living room, den, or library while I clean up… She is not expected to lift a finger. I bring in a plate of cookies, some coffee, tea, or Perrier and we spend some time in conversation. (Sometimes, she was work to continue. I find something else to do. However, I am always on call.)

We have decided to wait until we are married until we have intercourse. However, she may want me to go down on her while she relaxes. Before bed, we may go for a walk or I may spend some further time pleasing her. She goes to bed first, and I straighten up the living area. I go up to the bedroom. We may have a little more fun. Sometimes, she has me do a striptease for her. We are ready for another day.

MR. LISA: My typical day is much like yours. I get up first, make coffee, sit down and have a cup while reading the paper. Lisa gets up, I get her coffee, then I get her breakfast which is usually just cereal or fruit. As she eats her breakfast, I make sure she has towels for her shower, and that she has all of her hair and body care products ready. As she showers, I get her clothes ready, making sure they are pressed (you will get the hang of ironing, it’s not hard). I lay her clothes on the bed. As she is a fanatic about shoes, I also usually shine the pair she has selected for the day, if they need it. As she dresses, I clean up the kitchen, she gives me a list of errands she needs done (she usually writes them out for me so I don’t forget) and she leaves for work.

My day then consists of typical househusband duties, cleaning, laundry, ironing, grocery shopping, cooking, and running Lisa's errands. Typical errands include shopping for any items she may need, getting her car washed, picking up her dry cleaning, etc. As far as meals, since I know what Lisa likes, I plan all of the meals…

When Lisa gets home, I serve her dinner, we eat and talk. Lisa and I constantly communicate with each other, and if there is a problem she will listen to my side. She has the final decision, but she does not ignore my input. After dinner I clean up while Lisa relaxes with a cup of tea or a glass of wine. She is usually on the phone for a while taking care of business.

Since she has so little time, I take care of a lot of her personal needs such as manicures, pedicures, and facials, and as I said I’ve attended schools to learn these things. Manicures are usually once a week, same for pedicures, although I also usually do a polish change for her in between. I give her various massages to relax her, I've also learned facials and other skin care. All of these things give us a lot of time to talk and communicate. As Lynda advances in her career, you will find that you will be doing more and more for her, simply because she just will not have the time. But then again, that's what househusbands are for.

Some readers may be skeptical that such letters are real. What self-respecting male would submit himself to such a humiliating regimen, day after day? But if you seek out such testimonials, you’ll discover that these husbands are amply rewarded for their domestic devotion to their wives, with large measures of joy and fulfillment and, yes, even erotic thrills. A case in point:

MISTRESS LAURA'S BOY: A typical day these days for us goes like this: I wake up around 5:30 AM, slipping out of bed as noiselessly as possible so that Mistress can remain asleep. Next, I exercise. Every weekday, I do weights followed by varying intensities on the treadmill or elliptical; on the weekends I skip the weights and go for a longer and less intense cardio session (sometimes a run, sometimes a long walk, other times I bike).

After this, I take a quick rinse, dry off, then start making breakfast for Mistress Laura. Most of the time, it's something warm (eggs, hash browns, etc). She usually tells me what she wants the night before. When breakfast is ready, I go back to the bedroom and put the plates on the side table and kneel on the floor by the side of the bed. Slowly and gently, I massage Mistress's feet till she wakes up and I serve her breakfast. While she is eating, we chat. I am usually kneeling or sitting on the floor and she is dressed in her nightgown, sitting on the bed. More often than not, my head swims in a mixture of adoration and lust.

When she is finished with breakfast, she moves into her office and I make the bed. Sometimes I vacuum the bedroom (it only takes a few minutes). I clean up the dishes and clean up the breakfast mess in the kitchen…

When I get home [after work], more often than not Mistress is still working. I go around the house and do a little bit of cleaning, a bit of laundry, and start cooking dinner. Mistress arrives home to find the dinner that she wanted ready, the plates set, and her drink set up exactly where she wants it. We greet each other and she lets me sit while we eat and talk.

After dinner, I clean up. Sometimes she sits at the kitchen table and watches and teases me while I clean dishes (I love that!); at other times, she goes back into her office and I go and kneel by her when I am done with cleanup. Later in the evening, Mistress likes to watch TV. I sit at her feet while she sits in the comfortable easychair…

When we are done with the TV, Mistress sends me ahead to turn down the bed and kneel by the side of the bed, waiting for her. It's usually a bit before midnight at this time. She sits at the edge of the bed and we do our usual ritual: I kiss her feet, then I massage them, putting hand-lotion on her feet. Sometimes she has me give her a backrub till she falls asleep… Sometimes (not often enough for my tastes!) she has me lick and kiss her and give her an orgasm.

This late night ritual only very rarely ends in sexual release for me, but I am ecstatically happy whenever I get to give her pleasure… When femaleness fills the air, watch out, for good things are about to happen!

And what of the wives? Do they remain austere, aloof and demanding throughout? Not hardly. An alternate acronym for FLR is LFA, remember; and a typical loving, female authoritarian is likely to take vast pride in her husband’s domestic devotion, as in this wife’s note to Elise Sutton:

A typical day for him starts at around 6 a.m. as gets his early chores done and then at whatever time I have indicated he wakes me with breakfast of toast fruit and coffee in bed. Whilst I am eating breakfast, he prepares the shower and ensures there is a warm towel waiting. He lays out the clothes I have indicated I’m wearing for the day and then goes to get my car out and to check that everything is tidy for me. When I am ready, he serves me more coffee downstairs and I run through any errands, phone calls or extra chores that I require for the day while he takes notes.

While I am away working, shopping or meeting with friends he spends the day cleaning, washing, ironing and household-shopping, making sure that everything is sparkling for when I return. He has a routine now for making sure that the house is properly cleaned from top to bottom every week and that things are checked and ‘topped up’ every day. When I come home he has coffee or a glass of wine waiting, depending on the time. In the evenings, while I read, listen to music or watch TV, he cooks my evening meal and then bustles around waiting on me and ensuring I have everything I need.

And, because she says it better than I could, let me conclude by quoting Elise Sutton’s reply to another husband’s day-in-the-life testimonial:

A typical day will present a man with scores of opportunities to make a woman’s life better. It all comes down to awareness and focus. Where is the male’s mind? Is it on his hobbies? Is it on his own selfish needs and desires? Or is it attuned to the woman he serves and is it focused on meeting her needs?

I am sure the feeling you felt as your wife drove away warm and dry could not be matched with any kind of selfish pursuit. You made her day and, in the process, you made your day. Keep it up and God bless.

End, Part 2

Day in the Life, Part 1

2011-12-22T10:45:00.000-08:00

Three years back I had a post comparing short stories by John D. MacDonald and a writer pseudonymed Eosuchus (also the scientific name of an extinct crocodile).

This post was inspired by another Eosuchus story, “Beneath Her Hem” (Copyright Permian Systems 1997). There seems to be no active link to the entire story, so I can only encourage the author to republish it on his own weblog or elsewhere.

Eosuchus calls it “a litehearted fantasy of daily life in an idealized FDFS household.” But his fantasy, with its minute-by-minute account of a typical day in the life of a wife-worshipping, service-oriented househusband with a dominant breadwinner wife and two teen-age daughters bears no small resemblance to the journal jottings of many actual househusbands in wife-led marriages. Which I will show…

And these accounts, whether fictionalized or , actual diary entries, offer a clear lesson to all would-be wife worshippers (and stealth submittres), whose devotion peters out after a few hours, or days, or weeks of in-service drudgery.

“It took years of dedication to housework, child rearing and pampering without any thought of reward,” my old friend and mentor, fdhousehusband, once told me in an email. I did the chores cheerfully and enthusiastically. I convinced [my wife] that this was my life, Ii was happy in that role and I didn't want anything in return. Yet each time I failed and became lazy I felt that I took several steps backward for both of us. I was moving from one equilibrium to another and I needed to be perfect, not anything in between, not just sometimes.”

That kind of dedication is evident in the hero of Eosuchus’ tale as he goes this his daily “complex ballet” of meeting the needs and meshing with the schedules of his wife and two daughters, cleaning the house, doing laundry, shopping, cooking, preparing meals, driving the girls to and from school and after-school activities. His own Spartan needs—eating, reading headlines on the Web, working out to keep in trim, showering—are sandwiched between chores.

And, of course, we understand that, at the end of this exhausting (but instructive) narrative, it must all be done again the next day. A small sampling:

At nine thirty Elinor would take her first calls. Until then Steve would perform his secretarial role. Promptly at nine the calls began. Steve took calls while he cleaned up everyone's breakfast things and tidied up the kitchen and finished the shopping list.

When Elinor entered the office, Steve went upstairs and broke down the big bed, in which they slept as man and wife… He pulled out the sheets and dropped them in the plastic laundry hamper he now carried from room to room. He gathered underwear, socks, t-shirts, sweats, towels, shirts, pantyhose and bore it away to the basement. He sorted it and began a complex wash cycle.

Upstairs he checked on the dishwasher, emptied it and went over the kitchen with an eagle eye. Crumbs were lurking behind the counter stool. He whistled as he dusted them up and put them carefully into the garbage bin. One more careful check. Elinor might come into the kitchen at any time from about this moment on. Elinor had better not find anything at all to be critical of in the kitchen.

He went up to the bedrooms again and remade the big double bed. The girls got clean sheets twice a week and they weren't due for a change yet. He went over the bedroom carefully, with duster and damp cloth. It was time to vacuum…

The intricate, high-speed drudgery is only occasionally relieved by an erotic interlude, like this one during lunch, which, of course, he fixes for her:

She was going to sit in the kitchen and eat while she watched him work. Steve put on an apron and cleaned up the mess from making her sandwich and salad. He put some toast down for himself and filled a very small bowl with walnuts and cashews. He drank a glass of water and then did little odd jobs, cleaning around the kitchen while Elinor watched him.

"Steve, take off your shirt and pants," she said. Steve felt himself getting excited. He did as he was told, of course and put his clothes out of sight in a cupboard. Elinor ordered a very small glass of white wine from the chiller. When he brought it for her she squeezed and pinched his ass.

"I see a spot down there on the floor," she announced pointing to the tile right beside her stool. He got down on his knees to wipe the floor for her. By the time he'd finished that to her satisfaction she was pointing her foot at him for his kiss…

The long day ends with Steve “cuddling his wife and ruler as she slipped happily into sleep, served and serviced to the absolute limit of a man's ability.”

A happy ending, if I ever read one. Though this won’t be understood by those hard-boiled males who occasionally leave comments like, “You guys are hopeless wusses!” We KNOW that okay? Well, wusses maybe, but not hopeless. We live in perpetual hope. We relish the power imbalance, the daily rituals of ultra-romantic courtship where the woman is idealized and idolized. Not for everyguy, that’s fine.

Now, as promised, here are some non–fictional “days in the life”:

Fdhousehusband, previously mentioned, kept a running journal of his domestic activities on various websites. You can select any excerpt at random to see the kind of nonstop dedication he summoned to maintain his high level of service. In the following paragraphs, his wife had just assigned him to put on a dinner party for her and several business associates:

The problem with planning and executing an important dinner party is that the day-to-day requirements of serving my wife don't disappear. Two days ago, I awoke and scurried downstairs to do my morning chores. I fetched the paper, emptied the dishwasher, prepared the coffee for my wife and served her breakfast when she came downstairs. I then ran upstairs to make the bed, got breakfast for the girls [he also had two teen-aged daughters at this time] and saw them off to school.

Because Mistress's car was in the shop, I would need to drive her to work and pick her up afterward. Normally, I love being her little chauffeur, but with time tight this week, I needed every second to prepare for the dinner party on Saturday. Nonetheless, I waited dutifully while she prepared herself for work. Although the time seemed to be evaporating before my eyes, I held my tongue.

After I dropped Her off at work, I realized that I needed at least two full days to clean and cook for the party…

[Later] After we arrived home, my wife went to relax in her favorite chair and watch the election returns while I went to prepare dinner. Donning my apron, I quickly sauteed the sausage and chicken and put them into the jambalaya mix to cook. I set the table and knelt in front of my wife. I removed her pumps and massaged her feet through her pantyhose as he watched the television...

Having exchanged many emails and message board posts with Fd in previous years, I can confidently attest that the foregoing is no fabrication. Rather it is a pretty “Day in the Life” for him. The man went the extra mile and then some for his beloved wife—and still does, I am sure, though he has withdrawn his blog and has not posted under that name for several years now.

I cannot similarly vouch for the following wife-led “Day in the Life” account, taken from the book, Empress Arises by Ivy and Bobbi Rigger, originally, but no longer available through Lulu.com:

At five-thirty, Robert (Bobbi) gets up while Ivy stays in bed for a few more minutes snooze... He slips on a light robe and heads for the kitchen.

There, he checks to make sure everything is ready. The coffee is brewing. Breakfast fixings are ready. Ivy likes a single poached egg in the morning, and a slice of toast. It’ll be ready when she comes to the table.

He made her lunch the night before but now he checks to make certain it is prepared properly. She likes to take a sandwich rather than eat out for her lunches. It gives her more time to work at her desk.

Then, Bobbi checks the time. He still has a few minutes. So he sits down at the kitchen table for a preparatory cup of coffee before the day. At ten till six, Bobbi gets busy. He stands and begins boiling the egg. He also pours a cup of coffee and takes it to Ivy Ann where she is just now waking up. He speaks softly, “It’s almost six, Lady mine.” She stirs and slowly sits up in the bed. He gives her the coffee. She takes it and mumbles, “Christ…”

He smiles and heads back to the kitchen… He sets the table and waits until he hears the shower go on. Then he starts boiling the egg.

When she comes dressed to the table a few minutes later, everything is set. The egg waits for her, as does a glass of fresh orange juice. She sits and he pours her coffee. She thanks him. He stands attentively. She sips the juice and, after a second, nods. He slides into the chair across from her.

He smiles and sits quietly, only speaking when she speaks to him, or when he feels that a well formed question or comment will show he is paying attention…

She may also give a few quick instructions for the day. “Remember to put those checks in the bank,” she says. “And. the car needs an oil change." He nods at each instruction. Then, she pauses, thinks for a bit and adds, “Oh, and for your special treat, I have some underwear that needs to be hand washed."

After her breakfast, she rises. It’s time for her to leave. She wants to be in the office at seven thirty. While she brushes her teeth and makes a few last minute changes to her hair, he collects her brief case and stands waiting for her by the door. She appears shortly after that. She looks him up and down then taps her foot once. He drops instantly to his knees, leans forward to grovel before her, and put his head on the top of her shoe.

They wait for a long moment. Finally, she raises the toe of her shoe. He rolls back up to his knees, but remains kneeling. She pets his head and says, “Good boy.” He stays on the floor, with his eyes down and not looking at her until she leaves.
When he hears her car door close, he stands and begins his day...

As soon as she is out of the house, he quickly fixes himself a light breakfast and then gets to work. First, he washes the dishes and straightens up the kitchen. Then, he hurriedly does any outstanding housework that needs to be done. He vacuums the front room, makes the bed, puts a load of laundry in the washer, and so on…

Then, the “special treat.” He finds the underwear she mentioned. She has left them in a separate hamper in the bedroom. There are red panties, black panties, and white cotton panties. These he takes to the downstairs laundry sink and carefully, lovingly washes by hand…

And, because I particularly enjoy and collect these recitations, I’m going to offer several more in a follow-up posting. Stay tuned.

End of Part One.

A Modern Galahad

2011-12-12T14:02:00.000-08:00

Back in the fall of last year, I ran a couple of guest posts on “Female Superiority & Wife Worship” by “Beckie Sue.”

These posts generated more comments, pro and con, than any appearing here before or since.

There were many more bouquets than brickbats thrown, but the latter certainly stirred the pot. Some of the objections I anticipated, but I was a little surprised when several readers took exception with Beckie’s statement regarding the military traditions of chivalry: “In the military, men have been trained and are willing to suffer painful death to protect all females. The military teaches men how to honor and respect women.”

One online friend, Obedient husband, wrote, “All I remember is extensive training that focused on staying alive and protecting your fellow soldiers… the only training I ever got regarding women revolved around avoiding STD's and (later in my career) avoiding sexual harassment type trouble.”

Reader Allen rallied to Beckie’s defense: “My father fought in WWII, in the Pacific. He faced many horrors that affected him emotionally for life, many he will not talk about. Among some of the ones he has told are what the Japanese did to women in occupied lands. We visited him this weekend and kind of asked him about what Beckie said. He is 90 but still has a sharp mind. He stated without hesitation that he and every man he served with would have given their life to protect any woman, they were trained that way both in the home and in the military.”

I echoed Allen: “I, too, formed the definite impression that Beckie was referring to these traditions, which seem to hearken all the way back to the medieval institution of knighthood (the word ‘chivalry’ derives from ‘chevalier’) and courtly love. Your story about your father’s private soldier’s code was especially poignant. Knighthood, chivalry and courtly love are all cornerstones of Wife Worship, at least as set forth by Lady Misato, and in everything I have written on the topic.”

A more passionate statement of this warrior code is quoted in my book (p. 69) from an anonymous wife-worshipper: “I think it is part of male genetics to want to be brave for the ones we love. Powerful hormones course through our systems, and we are ready to give our all to serve and defend these beautiful, nurturing, challenging, life-giving, playful, wondrous women.”

This accords perfectly with viewing marriage as “perpetual courtship,” with the husband as chivalrous suitor of his wife’s favors. But the truth is, when I think of a super-chivalrous knight errant, it is not Sir Walter Raleigh whom I conjure, nor Galahad nor Lancelot, nor Superman or Spiderman. No, the man I think of as the embodiment of the modern chivalric warrior is George S. Patton.

I offer in evidence the following anecdote from the 1920s, featuring Patton as a dashing young major and a highly decorated hero fresh from his exploits in World War I:

“[Patton] had an opportunity to combine pleasure with a little heroics when his attendance at a horse show led to an act of chivalry. On a summer night in 1922, while driving his roadster from [a] horse show to his hotel in Garden City, [Long Island], he spotted three rough-looking hombres with a damsel in apparent distress. They seemed to be pushing the girl into the back of a truck. Patton stopped his car, jumped out and forced the men at gunpoint to release the young woman. Then it developed that the girl was the fiancée of one of the men, who merely were helping her to climb into the truck.

“The incident was reminiscent of Don Quixote’s encounter with the six merchants of Toledo on the road to Murcia and his spirited defense of Dulcinea’s unquestioned virtue.”*

It was no accident that the young major was armed. “I always carry a pistol,” Patton explained later, “ even when I’m dressed in white tie and tails.”

Nor was his knight-errant-to-the-rescue act an aberration. Back in 1912, a twenty-seven-year-old Patton competed in the Stockholm Olympics in the modern pentathlon, which had been expressly created by the International Olympic Committee as a tournament for modern knights. According to the IOC, “This 20th century cavalier must be able to overcome all obstacles that may confront him in carrying out his knightly mission. With the pistol or dueling sword he engages in personal combat; with any available horse he swiftly rides across country; the unfordable stream he swims; and he finishes on foot.”

Patton entered the modern pentathlon with little training and no sponsorship, paying his own way to and from Stockholm, and placed fifth in the competition.

I'm not saying, mind you, that Patton would agree to expand the definition of chivalrous endeavor to include the kind of daily domestic dragon-slaying practiced by contemporary, service-oriented wife worshippers--e.g., washing and ironing, dusting and vacuuming, as well as offering milady more intimate services. He might even wax profane on the matter. But he and we can certainly close ranks on the subject of the exaltation and protection of womanhood.

* From Patton: Ordeal and Triumph by Ladislas Farrago. NY: Dell, 1963, p. 106. This is the book that Francis Ford Coppola adapted for his Oscar-winning screenplay, Patton.

Why All Decisions Pass Through Her

2011-11-02T10:33:00.001-07:00

A recent example out of so many of how things get done at our house. And why I have to check with the boss on any big stuff. And, if I’m smart, small stuff too.

The top slide-out basket in our dishwasher came off the rails. That’s what I thought, anyway, but I couldn’t seem to get it back on track. I tried and tried. My wife took a look and saw that it wasn’t just off track – a little flange or thing-a-ma-bob had snapped off.

So she told me to call this guy she’d bought it from, who also did repairs. I did. He was having eye problems and couldn’t come out, but based on my description of the problem and then my reading him off the serial and model number, he did some research and said we’d have to replace the entire basket -- for, get ready, about $280.

Or we could get a new dishwasher for around $800.

I swallowed and, aware that I was exceeding my authority here, told him to go ahead and order the basket.(I mean, there were no other options, right? The guy told me so.) Then I told my wife what I’d done when she called. She told me to call him right back and cancel the order, that she’d take another look when she got home.

She did. She pulled the tray out, squatted and squinted. Then she had me get some super glue, and in five minutes had fixed the problem for maybe around thirty cents worth of glue. Not $280, not $800, but thirty cents, maybe less. Just a squirt.

That was a couple weeks ago. The tray is sliding fine, holding the weight fully laden. But, hey, I contributed. What I did is, I held the two parts together when my wife told me to, and I kept doing that until she told me to let go.

It’s called the division of labor.

Car Shopping, Then and Now

2011-10-12T14:11:00.000-07:00

My father loved shopping for cars—walking the hot asphalt lot, kicking tires, looking under the hood (all for show, he wasn’t in the least mechanical), even locking horns with the sales manager in his sweatbox office.

Back then, that was what men did—make the big-ticket decisions on make, model and price, while wives might offer hesitant input on paintjob and trim packages.

My, how things have changed—in our wife-led marriage, and so many others where the wife is empowered to exercise her superior judgment in all matters.

My wife decides if and when we will buy a car, whether new or used, what make and model, from whom and for how much. Like “The Little Woman” of yore, I may be asked my opinion on various matters, but there is no slightest pretense that I will have any real say-so on the final decision. She also knows that I will completely support whatever she decides.

But it goes farther. Before our last car purchase, at a dinner party with friends she had announced, “I’m shopping for a Ford Explorer” (let’s say) and asked what people thought of it. There were several couples present--and me, of course. Note that my wife didn’t say, “Mark and I are shopping for…” or “We’re shopping for…” Didn’t say “Mark thinks this or that.”

She offered the same conversational gambit to other people in my presence. She then made calls to several private party sellers and arranged for us, as a family, to see and test drive one. The man met us in front of his apartment, and my wife did all the talking, again using “I…” not “We.”

So when he asked, “Do you want to take it for a spin?” it was directly to my wife, and she said yes. So she did, with the man sitting beside her in front, me alone in the second seat, and the kids on the rear foldout bench. We drove around his neighborhood, with the man and my wife carrying on a lively conversation about the car’s features. The kids said a few things, but I kept quiet. I certainly didn’t want to interrupt my wife’s conversation with the seller.

We returned to his apartment house and we all got out, and the man asked my wife how she liked it. There were a few more exchanges between them and then, when we were about to walk away, she turned to me and asked, as an afterthought, if I wanted to sit in the front—not drive it, mind you, just sit behind the wheel. And I said quickly and pleasantly, “No, that’s fine.” And my wife concluded with the man, telling him that we’d be in touch. (If I had been doing the talking, I would have hemmed and hawed and maybe ended up buying the darned thing, because I’m such an impulsive and erratic shopper, afraid to say no.)

And, of course, when my wife next began visiting dealerships, I went along and was relegated to the showroom couch with the kids, while she dealt with the various salespeople. All the eventual financial discussions were made between my wife and the sales manager, with me waiting outside the office. (She did ask me later which of two colors I preferred, and scolded me when I hedged. “Give me your opinion!” she said sharply, so I did. I was flattered to see that she had already made the same choice.)

Did I feel relegated to second-class status by all this? Did I feel, oh, you know, emasculated?

I guess maybe so, compared to The Way Things Were with my mom and dad (he would have been outraged by this spousal switcheroo). But their marriage went belly up, and our wife-led marriage is doing just fine, thank you. They argued, bitterly; we don’t. (Against the rulres, don’tcha know.)

Mainly what it felt like, with my wife in charge, was right and natural. I should be the subordinate partner. My wife is a vastly better shopper, bargainer and negotiator, budgeter and planner. And her social skills are light years ahead of mine. Too often I pipe up when I should be piping down. But I’m learning.

And I’m not alone. More and more wives are kicking the tires while having hubby mind the kids and wait for her to make up her mind and close the deal. Here are a few samples, starting with Fumika Misato’s recommendations for big-ticket purchases in wife worship marriages:

“As head of the household, you control the family finances. He is required to justify his expenses to you. But there is absolutely no need for you to explain anything whatsoever about the family finances to him… For example, if you want to buy a new car, that is your decision alone, but if he wants to purchase a new shirt he must seek your permission.”

This is precisely what a current FLR blogger, Ms. Marie, did recently:

“Last weekend I took [my husband] car shopping. In the past, he would decide if and when we needed a car. He would decide on the make and model, he would decide on the budget, he would test drive, etc. This time, I told him we were going to some dealers. I told him what I wanted, I spoke with the salespeople, I did all the test driving and I had final say. And he is happy and so am I.”

A similar outing was described by this wife-led husband in a letter to Elise Sutton: “[My wife] recently decided we needed to sell our SUV and buy a minivan. We went to a dealership where one of her female friends works, and while I looked after the kids on the showroom floor, she talked business with her friend & arrived at a deal completely independent of me, which of course was fine.”

Here’s a slight variation, with older wife and younger husband: “[My husband] was fresh out of college when we became engaged. Because of this he doesn't even have credit established as he found out when I told him he could get himself a car. He was ready to sign the papers when he was told that due to the way our finances are set up I would have to co-sign the loan in order for him to be approved. He was so humiliated when I walked into the dealership and sent him out to my car to wait while I handled the details. The female car salesperson and I sat down to finish the deal. She was so impressed with the control that I have over my husband that she gave me an extra two hundred off on the car and I signed for the loan. I had the car placed in my name. He still can't buy anything without my permission.”

Years after my own car-shopping experience related above, I came across this posting in the old Spousechat message board, which I could have written myself:

“Recently, we needed to purchase a new car for her. She said that she ‘is taking the lead on this’ and that I am only to support her when asked. I said OK since I'm open for her to have more control, or so I thought. Before test-driving new cars, the saleswoman asked for both of our driver licenses. In front of the saleswoman my wife told me to put mine away since I won't be driving any cars. The saleswoman seemed to enjoy this smackdown, and, from that point on, would only smile at me but direct all conversation to my wife. I felt like the woman in the relationship. The saleswoman would open the door for me as I sat in the back seat. They would talk about anything and everything while I was silent in back. At one point, my wife told me to walk across the street to a restaurant, while she discussed the car purchase with the saleswoman. While filling out the paperwork, my wife decided to remove me from the registration. The only paperwork I signed was to trade-in our old car. I was caught off-guard but complied. Once we got home, she had me restock her new car with the stuff from her old one, then told me to stay home, do some laundry while she showed her new car to her family and friends.”

Here’s a hubby whose wife overruled his choice of colors (or “colours”) for his company car: “Quite recently I was picking out the colours for my new car which comes with my job. I wanted a beige interior and black exterior while my wife wanted other colours. I tried to explain that, since it's a car I use all day, I may as well pick the colours. She didin’t see it that way. She ordered me to my knees and, as I was looking up at her, told me what colours I'd be getting. I happily complied. Now, every time I look at the car and see the colours she chose, I am reminded who’s the boss in our home, which is exactly what my wife intended.”

Who would dare argue that women aren’t the best shoppers? Why should car-buying be any different? And I'm talking about women of any age. For instance, I know of a woman in her upper-80s who was taken car shopping by her 40-year-old grandson. She liked a big new GM car every three years or so, and she would pay cash for it. But her grandson dragged out this particular purchase, making her wait in the hot son while he dickered on the deal and various packages of extras.

Finally she’d had enough and yelled out at him, “Vern, just give the man the money, so I can drive my new car home!”

I’ll wind this up with a final anecdote, recently sent to me by a dear “e-migo” who happily yields all decision-making to his adored and adoring matriarch wife. What is particularly noteworthy in his account, I think, is the “ordinariness” of it. It’s just the Way Things Are Now in wife-led marriages, now that wives have come such a long way from the Way Things Were:

About three years ago Lisa told me one morning over breakfast that she needed a new car. She began to shop online, without keeping me in the loop. She did tell me that she liked the idea of a used, BMW. When she learned that a local BMW dealer had two she liked, she told the dealership we’d be dropping by, then told me she wanted me to accompany her. She told me to drop what I was doing (housework) and come along.

At the dealership, Lisa spoke with a saleswoman named Kayla, while I tagged quietly along behind. The woman acknowledged me, then turned her attention back to Lisa. While they discussed the purchase options, I remained quiet. When they went out to test drive two of the vehicles, I remained in the showroom. When a salesman asked if he could help me, I explained that my wife was test driving a car.

When the two women returned, they began to talk business, and, naturally, I tuned out, but Lisa handed me the keys to her old car and told me to check to make sure she’d left nothing personal in it, while she completed the transaction. I went out and looked in the trunk, glove compartment and back seat and found a few items, which I brought in. In the meantime, Lisa had signed over her old car (she was sole owner) as her trade-in and was completing the purchase of the BMW. As she wrote the check, I could tell that the saleswoman noticed that only my wife’s name was on the check (it is after, all her, account). Lisa glanced up and told me “Sweetie, run out and wait for me in the car.” I replied, “Yes, dear,” and did as told, waiting perhaps another quarter-hour in the passenger seat while my wife and the saleswoman concluded their business and, perhaps, chatted a bit more.

When Lisa drove off, she thanked me for being a good husband and not involving myself in her purchase. She said she thought she might need me there to sign something, but, as it turned out, she only used me to run that one errand.

Topsy-Turvy World

2011-09-07T10:31:00.000-07:00

The other day, dining out with my wife, I was surprised when the server set the bill down in front of me, instead of my wife across the table. In fact, I was every bit as surprised as, say, a 1950s’ housewife would have been to have a restaurant check presented to her instead of to her husband.

Just for a moment, my world had turned upside down.

So firmly entrenched is our matrimonial role reversal as we go about our activities that most restaurant servers and hotel clerks and salespeople automatically gravitate to my wife and give her all the appropriate attention and deference. When we walk in to a store, or sit down at a table, it’s like I don’t exist. They always address their questions to her, as they should. I assist them in their perceptions of power, I’m sure, by default. I emit absolutely no pay-attention-to-me, head-of-household, decision-maker vibes. This is not by design, but by long practice. It simply never occurs to me. I don’t look up expectantly at approaching waiters or waitresses. If they look at me or address me, I’m not impolite, but rather than respond directly, I defer to her. Without thinking. It is almost automatic that I look at my wife when a question is asked of me.

Occasionally, if I’m feeling frisky, I may answer, proudly and cheerfully, “My wife makes the decisions.”

Frankly, I don’t think of the way we are as role-reversal or topsy-turvy. I used to, but not for years now. I think in terms of normalcy, the way things are and ought to be. Where the woman rules and the man obeys. I can’t imagine it otherwise.

And it is comforting when the world agrees with my reality, as it so often does. When she is addressed with deference, and I am ignored, all is right with my world.

It would be even more pleasing, someday, if I could experience the same harmonious feedback among married couple friends, at dinner parties and barbecues, say, or soccer games. Automatic subservience to the wives by all the husbands, with the men keeping silent but attentive when the women were talking among themselves, but always ready to respond supportively when prompted.

In fact, it is always jarring to me in social settings to see a husband question his wife’s authority, or make some macho remark, to dare to contradict her or to sound off on any subject whatever. Or actually to put her down. And I don’t need to tell you, all this happens frequently.

And when it does, it’s like being instantly transported to an alternate universe, where males are allowed to act like grown-up hooligans, much like the “Pleasure Island’ sequence in Walt Disney’s Pinocchio. I find myself looking at the wife and wondering, “Why do you put up with that moron?”

What used to seem normal now seems like Mondo Bizarro. “Curioser and curioser,” as Alice described the obvious absurdities of Wonderland.

In other words, to me it’s a life NOT lived under fully acknowledged female authority that constitutes the real role reversal, the real topsy-turvydom.

I can only take so much of this before I’m desperate to get back to reality—and my well-ordered, normal, natural, female-led and female-centric life.

Making role-reversal into the default dynamic of a marriage, of course, takes time and determination. But the reward for achieving it is the happy-ever-aftering of the storybook romance.

Ms. Lynda (of Spouseclub renown) was determined to settle for nothing less. And, so, she delighted in private and public displays of her role-reversal relationship with her fiancé (later her husband), whom she inevitably addressed and referred to as “Mr. Lynda.”

As more and more women take an active role in family leadership, she felt there should and would be more and more traditions to demonstrate women in charge. Her desire was to set an example, with appropriate public displays, of just how “woman-focused a marriage can be.”

“Has [your wife] ever made you call her Ma'am or such in public?” she asked a male Spousechatter. “I want to do that to Mr. Lynda during our [honeymoon] cruise so that everyone will know who the boss is at our house… As you know, it is often necessary for a woman to humiliate her man so he is reminded of who is in charge.”

She did exactly that, as she later recounts:

“On our honeymoon, we had some ‘antique’ pictures taken. In olden times, you could tell that the man was in charge because he was always seated. His wife stood behind or beside him. My husband and I reversed it. I sat and he stood. It is a subtle thing, but, it was not missed on us and some of our friends.

"Secondly, we took a busy and full bus into a resort town off the cruise ship. I made him sit. As head of the family, I must protect him and his honor. This reversal was noticed by several people. Finally, all reservations are made in my name and I produce the credit card. This is not so unusual because women carry purses. However, several hosts remarked on the reservation being made in my name. My husband was only too happy to inform them that I was head of the family, the breadwinner, and that he had taken my name in marriage. I do not know what they thought or said behind our backs, but they all treated us with respect and said our decision was cool.”

Some additional glimpses into Ms. and Mr. Lynda’s domestic arrangements:

“I do not lift a finger at home. I lounge around while Mr. Lynda does all the work. For the fun of it, I have had him serve me while he was completely naked. He is so handsome. A naked man can be a real turn-on. I love to see him grovel before me, kiss my feet and other parts of my body. It makes me feel so powerful.”

“I never want to hurt or abuse him, but, I do enjoy letting other people know that I am the boss. Is it wrong to want people to know that Mr. Lynda took my name in marriage? Of all the lovely things Mr. Lynda has done for me, this is the greatest because it tells the world that he sees me as the head.”

She counseled “Charles,” who described his own matriarchal marriage, to change his name to “Mr. Lisa,” then (with Ms. Lisa’s permission, of course) to order stationery reflecting the change:, “Ms. and Mr. Lisa Lastname.” Which he promptly did.

“I always love when my boyfriend does something that makes a very public statement of his subservience to me. I love to walk with him when he is wearing one of his matriarchal t-shirts. He has one that says, ‘I Belong to Her,’ and another that says, ‘Don't ask me. She's the Boss.’”

“It would be a real learning experience for men to have to live in a woman's world for just a few hours. It might truly change some minds if men had to identify themselves only by their wife's name (‘This is Mr. Susan Brown’).”

“My husband will be allowed to keep his masculine name forever. However, I do intend to always address him as Mr. Lynda in public. Someone must begin to set some new standards.”

A playful, fun-loving vixen, Ms. Lynda. Also a true believer and passionate advocate, who never backed down an inch from her strong views. As she signed one of her postings, in all caps like waving a banner at the barricades, “LONG LIVE THE SISTERHOOD OF WOMEN IN CHARGE!”

My question is, How is it with you? Does it seem jarring and discordant when you see husbands acting like it was 1955? Or wives deferring to them, or putting up with secondary status? Like me, are you slightly taken aback when you hear a wife respond to an invitation with “Of course, I’ll have to ask Bob.” On the other hand, my response of “I’ll have to ask my wife” is taken for granted. So much so, in fact, that friends rarely ask my consent or opinion; they know to bypass me and ask her. And they know that her powers are plenipotentiary powers, that she never has to say, “I’ll check with Mark first.”

Anyway, this is the blessed matriarchal universe that I inhabit, which completely encompasses my thoughts and feelings, hopes and dreams, and She is the radiant and powerful sun around whom I and the kids orbit, day and night. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Bow and Vow, Part 2

2011-08-25T09:52:00.000-07:00

A fatally smitten suitor down on one knee, or two, before his beloved—it’s the ritual most associated with courtship.

Once married, however, even if a husband’s “heart fills with a newlywed's happiness, there is no accepted ritual that permits him to display the intensity of [his] feelings.” (I’m quoting my own book here, by the way.)

Which is why a growing number of us incorrigible romantics, of both genders, have been practicing and advocating “courtship marriages” under various names, any of which will do:

Wife-worship marriages
wife- or female-led marriages (or relationships)
“yes, dear” marriages
Venus-on-top marriages
“Around Her Finger” marriages
“She Makes The Rules” marriages
yes, even “femdom” marriages, for the more adventuresome couples among us.

And what could be more natural in a courtship marriage than hubby playing the part of perpetual suitor and kneeling to profess his devotion? And, yes, by “perpetual” I mean doing this every day.

Yes, there are other good reasons to bend the knee to one’s beloved. For a pedicure, or as part of a weekly evaluation session by the wife. Or as preliminary to receiving correction from the wife. (While some of these may appear offbeat, they are all, to my way of thinking, essentially romantic rituals, opportunities for renewed intimacy between wife and man.)

But more frequently than any of these, I think this ritual obeisance is part of what I like to call a husband’s daily devotions. It’s obviously a supplicant, prayerful posture, and prayers may indeed be spoken—to God, or the Goddess, or to a deity seen as incarnate in the beloved wife. Prayer and worship are inherent in a husband’s daily devotions to his wife, though not, I insist, in an idolatrous way, all appearances to the contrary.

But what I think those husbands are really doing down on their knees, more than either praying or worshipping (or toenail-lacquering) is simply…

Confessing.

The ritual of confession is practiced not only in confessional booths, but on psychiatrists’ couches, on bar stools (and, alas, under totalitarian regimes in interrogation rooms and re-education camps). But in female-led relationships, confession is best practiced on one’s knees.

I know this because I’ve done it as recently as this morning, and plan to do it again tomorrow (though sometimes just the act of kneeling before her constitutes my “confession”). A perfect example of this romantic confessional was offered by a cyber friend in the following FLR-type posting:

“When I catch myself doing [insert name of bad deed here], I will usually kneel before her, place my head in her lap and apologize for being such a ‘pathetic schmuck’ (her favorite term for me). That usually dispels some of the tension. I will usually also specifically apologize for whatever specifically I had done.”

Is a husband’s contrition, then, solely for the purpose of wifely absolution—or wifely punishment? I don’t think so. Usually, I think, it’s simpler than that. The husband confesses for the purposes of baring his soul before his beloved. He does (again to quote from Worshipping Your Wife) because he years to “Be Known by Her.”

The clearest statement of this yearning (and daring) that I’ve come across was by another e-migo of mine, also a frequent commenter here. I quoted it in the first part of the Bow & Vow post, but it’s so heartfelt and inspirational that I’m going to repeat a bit of what I wrote:

“Every day he gets down on his knees and affirms his adoration of his beloved. ‘I honestly don't remember the first time I knelt in front of her and just adored her,’ he writes. It just seemed natural. Down on his knees he repeats a series of daily vows that he wrote. ‘I say these to her every day, no exceptions.’”

At the heart of my friend’s morning devotions is a confession of his soul to his beloved, along with a special thank-you to her for permitting him to reveal himself:

"I very much want to serve and obey you.
I want to belong to you. I want to be your submissive husband.
This is who I am and I adore you for accepting me."

“This is who I am.” These five words are the key to my friend’s daily confessional. He wants his wife to know who he is, this guy looking up at her in utter puppydog, tail-wagging adoration. He wants to be “known by her” and, yes, to be accepted by her for who he is.

Now, I happen to know this is a very macho guy, assertive and successful in many arenas, including athletics, fitness training and retail sales. Obviously his beloved knows this side of him as well, and admires these sterling qualities. But it is psychic and physical nakedness he seeks before her on his knees, a psychic surrender that (as I can attest) often leads to a level of intimacy and ecstasy approaching religious rapture.

This is the altered state that Elise Sutton describes as the “submissive zone,” more commonly termed “subspace.”

“I felt totally naked, totally known (and owned), totally accepted by my wife,” one guy describes it.

Another puts it thus: “My sub space is experienced when I am able to humble myself before my Wife. I love kneeling before her and being at her beck and call.”

On the old Spousechat message board (excerpted in 10 parts on this site, the newlywed househusband “Mr. Lynda” speaks proudly of kneeling before his bride, Ms. Lynda, “every morning as I serve her coffee and breakfast. She is the willing partner eager to face the jungle of the workworld. Thank you Ms. Lynda. I acknowledge you as my Head and Boss. Long may you reign.”

Clearly, for these guys (and for me), kneeling and confessing, or “bowing and vowing,” is not some bizarre or edgy behavior, but a basic act of daily devotion, needful to the soul and essential to marital intimacy.

If “needful to the soul” sounds like exaggeration, let me assure you it’s actually understatement. You can get a better idea of the pent-up emotional intensity involved from this anecdote shared by Kathy in her popular “Femdom 101” blog. It occurred when she was “volunteering” at a local femdom “studio” in order to learn more about her husband’s submissive yearnings and was introduced to an older male customer:

“[He} just wanted to kneel at the feet of a woman. All of his life he had fantasied about kneeling naked at the feet of a lady, and being allowed to kiss her feet. Even more than that, he had a desire to tell someone of his need for submission. This was the deep, dark secret of his life. Even his wife of over forty-plus years had no idea of his submissive needs.
“We spent some time talking. I then let him take off my shoes one at a time. I then gave him permission to kiss each of my feet, and then let him suck on my toes. This older man actually broke down and cried. I wanted so much to cradle him in my arms. I wanted to kiss him on the cheek and tell him that [I] understood. Then it occurred to me that there are so many poor men like this sweet baby.”

Any wife who is initially put off by the sight of the man she married down on his knees again ought to reconsider , and realize that this posture is really a return to and continuation of passionate courtship. One wife who discovered this shared her feelgns on the Around Her Finger blogsite:

“He looked so incredibly loving kneeling at my feet. For the first time, I felt empowered. I can't really explain why, but it made me feel so very close to him.”

Kathy’s experience with the older gentleman who wept as he kissed her feet gave her a special insight into submissive men in general, and to her husband in particular. She shares it beautifully here, so perfectly that I think I’ll end the posting with it:

“One of the special moments in my life was the first time John knelt at my feet, and we talked as mistress and [husband]. In my view the first time a man has the courage to kneel at his wife's feet is a very special occasion. This special little physical act often helps a couple transcend many of the boundaries that have kept their marriage arrangement from moving forward.
“This may seem strange to many of you, but that moment John knelt to me for the first time, was as much of a romantic occasion as our first kiss. [Now, five years later,] there is never a day that John does not get down on his knees in front of me… This is the most intimate time of the day for us. It is when we communicate the best.”

Lighting Her Cigars, Addendum

2011-08-09T10:28:00.000-07:00

This is really not a continuation of the previous discussion on submissiveness vs. obedience. I happen to enjoy Ms. Becky Sue’s definition,* though I can see how others might view it as a distinction without a difference, like “lawyer vs. attorney.” Obey or submit, does it really matter so long as the wife’s word is law and loving female authority reigns supreme?

(Of course it does matter in Ms. Beckie Sue’s household... and her husband knows to obey, not simply submit.)

But I just used this title because I came upon the top photo of Monica Bellucci surrounded by adoring sycophants--Che bella ragazza! And thought I better at least post something, along with an apology for being so scarce around here of late. I am involved in finishing a fairly fat novel (I hope), and subjected to more than the usual daily distractions. But I miss the community here. The solution may be to post a lot more frequently, but less verbosely. Briefs rather long-winded screeds. That’s my current resolve anyway.

PS: Another Italian beauty… (I know, she's English, but her name is Italian.)

* “A submissive male is one who seeks to serve a wife for his own satisfaction and pleasure. An obedient husband is one who understands female superiority and the need to always focus, support and serve that superiority.”--Beckie Sue

Lighting Her Cigars, Part 2

2011-07-08T13:15:00.000-07:00

Part 1 on this topic posed a couple of questions dealing with female led relationships. I’ll start with the first one: Is servility to a woman incompatible with manliness?

Before I ever got around to writing this follow-up post, Lady Grey answered my questions as follows:

“What Dom wants a wuss at her disposal? Controlling an ‘A’ personality type man, bringing him happily to his knees before you, to be served not in a servile manner, but in a deeply grateful manner...well, I'll opt for that every time. Having an intelligent man who is perfectly comfortable in his manhood and who responds to your unspoken commands, to your gestures, your shrugs, your raised eyebrows, your tapping feet, and who can anticipate your needs and knows what to do to satisfy them...well, to me that's a real man. A man worthy of control, of rewards, and even punishment if need be.”

I think she’s saying it depends. One guy could respond to “your shrugs, your raised eyebrows, your tapping feet” in a Type A, manly manner; while another guy could do the same thing wussily, as it were.

Manly or even macho servitude to a woman is inherent in the Knight-Queen model of wife worship. The knight is servile to his lady or queen, obedient to her every whim, yet intrepid and brave in carrying out her commands and commissions in the world.

Can we apply those courtly standards to household chores, like polishing her pumps and hand-washing her lingerie? That’s the case I’ve been trying to make in my book and blog posts, under the general heading of Domestic Dragon-Slaying. I admit it’s kind of a stretch, but it is doable, and Lady Grey apparently agrees.

You’ll find unquestionably macho types--black belts, ex-linebackers, cops, weight-lifters--who relish being ordered about by a diminutive pistol of a wife or girlfriend. I could cite dozens of such testimonials, but I'll spare you this time. Take my word for it.

When my wife objected to my early signs of seeming servility (“Don’t be a sycophant!”), it stung. She was right, of course (when is she not?). I was overreacting to her musings and suggestions, flying off the handle to do stuff she hadn’t asked for. I had to dial back my fawning impulses drastically.

My solution was to be responsive, even anticipatory to her needs, but in a more laid-back way. I took as my model Rhett Butler catering to Scarlett with his lazy, tomcat smile, but catering all the same. Or maybe a guy from a moving van asking the lady of the house, “Where do you want I should put down this piano, lady?” Ready to serve, no big fuss about it.

But male servility and male submissiveness remain loaded terms as far as mainstreaming FLRs, and oxymoronic terms for some.

Even Beckie Sue, who contributed two stirring guests posts on female superiority (here and here, draws a sharp distinction between submission and obedience:

“I never liked the idea that some men are submissive. Men are by nature obedient. Through school (in the past), sports, military, and jobs they are required to be obedient; much more so than women. It is their nature to be obedient and to work. It is the nature of the female to be sexual/sensual and to direct the men in their lives.”

Beckie Sue describes her gradual journey from an egalitarian to a matriarchal marriage as a natural evolution, in which both she and her husband feel comfortable and fulfilled in their basic natures. So her guy is not submissive, she insists, although he is completely (and willingly) ruled by Beckie Sue in almost every aspect of his life, and has certainly surrendered almost all authority in the relationship to her.

At one point, as an example, she informed him that his paycheck would henceforth be direct-deposited into her private checking account, and that he would surrender his debit card and be allowed only $10 spending money, which she would replenish as needed. When he raised initial objections, her answer was that her decision was final and permanent.

“Of course he wasn't happy when I told him of this. But afterward he said his happiness isn't important, his only happiness is to see me happy. Which I am.”

This power imbalance is standard policy in many wife-led marriages and female-led relationships. A woman calling herself “Melissa” explained in a letter to Elise Sutton how all issues were amicably settled between herself and her husband Patrick:

“The First Rule of Our Relationship: We discuss; I decide; he obeys. In cases where my mind is already made up, or I feel strongly about a particular issue, the need for discussion is obviated and Patrick is simply informed. This eliminates the need for discussion in about seventy percent of all cases, allows Patrick to concentrate on his engineering career and leaves other issues in my far more capable hands.

“The Second Rule of Our Relationship: We have Absolutes; I have absolute freedom; he accepts and lives under my absolute control; this applies to all aspects; there are no exceptions.”

Which brings me to the second question raised in Part 1 of this post: “What is the proper role of power in an FLR/perpetual courtship marriage?”

This, too, elicited a quick and authoritative response from Lady Grey: “You ask ‘what is the role of the unequal balance of power in a FLR?’ I'd answer that the inevitable imbalance of power in such a relationship is the very ESSENCE of the relationship. A balance of power would make a FLR unworkable.“

But Beckie Sue’s ascension to the seat of power in her marriage was based on her gradual realization and acceptance of the “fact of female superiority”, which, she says, “is only natural.” So natural that her teen-aged daughters have found themselves elevated by degrees to a level just beneath their mother’s. Husband and son, meanwhile, have also come to accept the naturalness of this female-ascendant state of affairs, from which has flowed a willing, even enthusiastic deference on their part to female rule of the household.

It may, in fact, have been the avowed interest of Beckie Sue’s husband in wife worship that launched all these role reversals in their marriage. In this sense, she is only fulfilling his exalted vision of her.

There are obvious power perks for the wife who asserts and exercises primacy over her husband. As Beckie noted, “What woman wouldn’t want to have a marriage where what she said was final, where her husband would obey her and desire her? What wife wouldn’t want a home where the housework, cleaning, laundry, washing dishes, scrubbing the bathroom, was her husband’s job; she would be free to pursue more fulfilling interests? How many would enjoy those more fulfilling pursuits during the day while he is at work earning money for her to enjoy? What wife wouldn’t love to have control of his paycheck and manage all the finances? What female wouldn’t love to be worshiped as a goddess?”

(I found an interesting echo of Beckie Sue’s above quote in an old Spousechat posting from “Charles,” aka “Mr. Lisa”: “Lisa is the envy of all of her female friends, business associates, and female neighbors. What woman would not want a live-in housekeeper, cook, handyman, chauffer, butler, manicurist/ pedicurist/ masseur, personal assistant, laundry person, errand boy, and bedroom partner?”)

But there may be even more fundamental reasons for a wife to tilt the balance of marital power decidedly in her favor. A persuasive exposition of this can be found in “Vivian’s Domain,” re “Power and Beauty”(excerpted on my blog):

“…for most women, even attractive ones, it is not possible after years of cohabitation and child bearing to become beautiful enough to inspire the kind of awe that will motivate her husband. So, what can a woman do? She can understand this: Not only is there power in beauty, there is beauty in power! The ‘take my breath away’ kind of awe that a man feels when he sees a stunningly beautiful woman is similar to the feelings he had as a young adolescent toward women of power in his life—teachers, neighborhood moms, and strict women in general. In order to make your husband a better man and a better spouse, you need to make him eager to win your approval and fearful of earning your disapproval. You must exert the kind of power that grabs his attention, makes you beautiful to him and takes his breath away. You must make him adore you again!”

Power vs Superiority

For the FLR blogger I’M HERS, female-led relationships are all about power, not about female superiority. As he explained it in a May 6, 2011 posting: “The question I keep asking myself is this: Is [my wife] Katie my superior? When I bring the topic back to Katie and me, there is but one variable: power, and Katie has it all. I gave it to her. She’s the ‘professor’. She judges me; assesses me; makes the rules; gives me the syllabus with all the requirements needed to ‘pass her course’. She is the final judge. Does that make her superior? I don’t know and it really doesn’t matter. I am not in love with Katie because she is superior and I am inferior to her in every way. If that were true, why would she ever be attracted to me?... it’s not about what Beckie says [i.e., female superiority], it’s about a power exchange… Dominance and submission have all to do with power and nothing to do with a comparison of talents, intelligence and other such qualities.”

Obviously I agree with both I’M HERS and Vivian that a fully empowered wife is sexy. But, in my case, that’s putting the cart before the horse. Yes, my wife possesses and exercises the power in our marriage and family, to an extent that any monarch might envy. But I didn’t cede that power to her, nor did she appropriate it.
What happened is, as far as I can tell, my wife’s accretion of power occurred over many years, incrementally, even insidiously, as a natural by-product of her superior judgment, follow-through, practicality, memory, social savvy, strength of will, completeness of psyche, emotional range and maturity—yatta ta yattata.

I’m thinking that it was very like the tidal upward mobility of women in the workforce, especially in the professions. Yes, they now wield more and more power, and it is increasing dramatically year by year; but that power did not come their way via an abdication by males, or a storming of the citadel by women (though I do not deny the effect of advocacy, in opening up previous all-male citadels). Mainly it seems to have come about because, once in the door, a preponderance of women quietly and unarguably demonstrated not only equality with men, but a surprising superiority.

Thus it has been with my wife and me. Things go better when she is in charge, when I seek and follow her advice. Whenever I got angry with her (as I used to do), I would eventually realize that I was being childish, petulant and invariably wrong. When she became angry with me (which still happens from time to time), I would eventually see the error of my ways, realize that she was right (again!) and was owed an apology.

So, yes, in our house she is enthroned and empedestaled, worshipped and obeyed. I found my level and she found hers, simple as that. So, yes, power is sexy, but it flows, at least chez moi, from my wife’s superiority, at least some of it attributable to her gender.

And I consider myself a smart guy, by the way, but part of my smarts is recognizing that she truly is my better half.

*

Lighting Her Cigars, Part 1

2011-06-20T09:25:00.000-07:00

Of course, she doesn’t smoke cigars, but if she did, we’d light them for her, wouldn’t we, mates? Because that’s who we are.

“You see many such couples… the man [is] completely trained and conditioned, he is ever alert for his cues. If his lady unsnaps her purse and frowns down into it, he at once presents his cigarettes, and they are always her brand. If she has her own cigarettes, he can cross twenty feet in a twelfth of a second to snap the unwavering flame to life, properly and conveniently positioned for her. It takes but the smallest sidelong look of query to send him in search of an ashtray to place close to her elbow. If at sundown she raises her elegant shoulders a half-inch, he trots into the house or onto the boat or up to the suite to bring back her wrap. He knows just how to apply her suntan oil, knows which of her dresses have to be zipped up and snapped for her. He can draw her bath to the precise depth and temperature which please her. He can give her an acceptable massage, brew a decent pot of coffee, take her phone messages accurately, keep her personal checkbook in balance, and remind her when to take her medications. Her litany is, ‘Thank you, dearest,’ ‘How nice, darling,’ ‘You are so thoughtful, sweetheart.’ It does not happen quickly, of course. It is an easy life. Other choices, once so numerous, disappear… And finally, of course, it comes down to a simple equation. Life is endurable when she is contented, and difficult when she is displeased. It is a training process, conditioned response."
—John D. MacDonald, A Tan and Sandy Silence

Clearly, John D. MacDonald--writing under fictional cover of his famous alter ego, Travis McGee--is deeply contemptuous of these men, who behave more like a courtier than a queen’s consort, devoting themselves utterly to her service, alert to, even anticipating her every whim.

But for many men like me—and it’s an increasing cohort of modern males, I am convinced---serving our significant female others as exalted queen or goddess is not seen as degrading, but as uplifting and deeply endlessly satisfying. Many submissively oriented guys can envision no more glorious fate, no greater manly endeavor.

For the first of many examples, here is an excerpt from a confessional letter to Elise Sutton, in which the writer revels in his fawning subservience to a beautiful, willful woman. And, among his many personal services, apparently, are lighting her cigarillos:

“She relaxed on her favorite white leather sofa with a bunch of new magazines I'd bought for her. I poured her a brandy and lit her Nat Sherman Black & Gold cigarette. She doesn't often smoke, but she and I agree that no pleasure should ever be denied her so this is a nice extravagance. I knelt by her feet, took off her shoes and began massaging her feet.”

It’s a common confession of wife- and girlfriend-worshippers, being exalted by obeisance to the adored one, leading a life in a devoted, female-centric orbit:

“I am most comfortable when my fiancee chooses to relax. In our relationship, I am doing the man's work. She is not expected to lift a finger. I bring in a plate of cookies, some coffee, tea, or Perrier and we spend some time in conversation. Sometimes she is busy and I find something else to do. However, I am always on call… She goes to bed first, and I straighten up the living area. I go up to the bedroom… While the house is always neat, I only take one or two days a week to do a complete cleaning.”

For many such husbands, their service to their wives extends to every room in the house, especially including bath and boudoir:

“I love to wash my wife's hair and scrub her in the shower, then dry her. Mostly because she loves it. If someone says it isn't important, I do not care. I know giving and loving are important to me.”

As I wrote in Chapter 5 (“Pampering and Pitching In”) of the original Worshipping Your Wife book, “There are manly guys who draw their wife’s bath. Who shampoo her hair. Who loofah her skin and even shave her legs. Who give facials while she luxuriates in the suds. And who are ready with a warmed, fluffed towel to enfold her as she emerges, a dripping Venus, from the bath. Who are rewarded with the further privilege of drying and powder-puffing her skin, or massaging it with moisturizing creams. And who, later, lovingly brush her hair, the traditional hundred strokes.”

And these:

“My wife came into the bedroom and sat at her dressing table to apply her makeup. She was wearing a silk robe that I had hung in the bathroom that morning. As she applied her makeup, she noticed that there was a chip in the polish on one of her toes. ‘I don't have time for a pedicure now, but fix that chip for me while I finished my makeup.’ I found the polish and first cleaned the old polish from that one toe and then applied a new color and topcoat. And then I remained at her feet…”

“Beauty care for my wife includes bathing her, brushing hair, doing makeup and nails, laying out and assisting in dressing her.”

“My Mistress requires me to massage her feet, paint her toe-nails and shave her legs. Occasionally she has me bathe her.”

“I'm going crazy, giving her footrubs, watching her try on new dresses, watching her put on her make-up in the morning, watching her do her fabulously thick and rich hair.”

“I kneel next to the tub and begin to bathe my wife as I have done so many times before. I try to remain calm as I run the sponge and soap over her back, breasts and legs as she relaxes.”

“Saturday morning after she showered, my wife called me in and said, ‘You may watch me put on makeup and blow dry my hair if you wish.’ I do love that, I have always stolen glances just to watch her do that! To me, a woman doing that is so feminine, erotic and powerful.”

Fdhousehusband, whose discontinued blog “Her Househusband’s Life” is sorely missed by many us, offers this advice to husbands embarking on wife-led marriages: “Help Her dress and undress each day.”

And for macho guys who, like MacDonald, heap scorn on such servile behavior, “Fd” heaps his own scorn in return, leavened by pity:

“i always laugh when i see [husbands] on TV shows, films and even [among] my male friends impatiently waiting at the door for their Wives to finish dressing and yelling out something about ‘being late.’ i think to myself, ‘Why isn't he helping Her?’ One of my important jobs is to help Her get dressed each time She heads out the door and to reverse the process when She comes home. my assistance saves Her precious minutes from Her busy day and makes myself useful. And besides, i get to enjoy this very special and intimate contact with Her!”

But, to return to the main point of this posting, is it really possible to reconcile such servile behavior with manliness? It’s a fair question. In the first giddy euphoria of this lifestyle, back almost fifteen years ago after I first launched into all-out wife worship after reading Lady Misato’s revolutionary website (“Real Women Don’t Do Housework”, I went a little wacky, I guess. My wife quickly became annoyed by my constant (and almost overnight) solicitousness. “Don’t be a sycophant!” she snapped. She was right, of course. (When isn’t she?)

I think I’ve learned a thing or two in the years since—learned how to reconcile manliness with, uh, well, servility, for want of a studlier word. Or, shallwe say, with service to my Queen. She does not object to being adored, catered to, obeyed, and all the rest. But she wants a man to be serving her and obeying her, the man she fell in love with and married, not a toady, not a wuss or a wimp.

Which brings me back, as seems inevitable in these postings, to the old romantic courtship model of wife worship, as set forth by Lady Misato and many others since. The paradigm is embodied in the knighthood ceremony depicted on the cover of my first book. The worshipful boyfriend or husband defines and models his devotion along the lines of a heroic knight to his queen, kneeling before her after each brave deed and seeking her next commission.

I use Knight-Queen advisedly, in preference to Knight-Lady, because a major motive to the medieval knight’s devotion to his queen derives from the vast disparity in their respective stations. It is not a disparity simply of rank, of course, or social standing, but of power. In the case of a Queen, we may assume that her power over the man on bended knee is absolute.

Thus the intrepid man-at-arms bowing low before her and stretching his neck in his prostration, prays for a gentle downward touch of the flat blade of the great longsword in her grip, conferring knighthood. But his submissive pose, and the fearsome blade she wields, also illustrates that she has the power of life and death over him. She could as easily smite him with the edge and remove his head--or have it done, the way Queen Elizabeth I eventually disposed of her beloved Earl of Essex.

This particular queen-knight tale has inspired many dramatic retellings, notably Donizetti’s tragic opera, Roberto Devereux and Maxwell Anderson’s play in blank verse, Elizabeth the Queen, which was adapted to the screen as The Private Lives of Elizabeth and Essex, starring Bette Davis and Errol Flynn. FLR write large.

Which brings us to a new question: What is the role of the unequal balance of power in a Female Led Relationship? But I’ll leave that for another day and another post.

END PART ONE

Who Knew? Women Are Trying These FLR Blog Post Ideas on Their (Mostly) Willing Guys

2011-05-16T11:48:00.000-07:00

I never imagined, when I began this blog back in 2007, that my imaginings and scribblings would actually influence marriages and romantic relationships. I kinda hoped that might be the case, mainly by leading more husbands and boyfriends into the path of perpetual courtship and wife worship. I have been especially delighted, for instance, to learn, via several emails and comments, that there are wives who have their husbands read aloud to them at night from my books.

But the notion that girlfriends and wives would take “male management” ideas shared here and implement them verbatim in their own budding FLR relationships… well, as the title above says, Who Knew? With Elise Sutton, perhaps, but moi? It seemed farfetched and fantastical. But exactly that has been occurring.

For instance, my favorite guest blogger Beckie Sue took the blog post of Au876 on Financial Control, Part 1 (and yes, there is a Part 2) and applied several ideas from it more or less as written to her own marriage. As a result, her husband was instructed to surrender his debit card, had his his paycheck direct-deposited to his wife’s private checking account (just like me), and was restricted to $10 pocket money, with instructions to inform her promptly if he spent any part of it, so she could “replenish it.” “He had questions and doubts,” Beckie Sue writes, “but I told him the decision is final and permanent.” Moreover, she forwarded the Au876 posting (about husbands surrendering complete financial control to their wives) to “a couple of my friends to read and consider implementing some of the ideas.”

Whew! And as you are about to read, from the anonymous and adventurous young man whose postings I featured in “Starting Early on an FLR,” my blog on female-led shopping inspired his girlfriend to design mall outings for him in which he was basically the beast of burden for her and a girlfriend and… well, I’ll let him tell it.

But let me say first that no, I do not feel like a traitor to my gender for inspiring these women (and perhaps many others) to exert such increasing and sometimes capricious control over their husbands and boyfriends. I suspect these dudes are actually reveling in their new female-led constraints, despite discomfort, reduced status, etc. Please let me know, guys, if I’m wrong in this.

Now, to Anonymous and his experience in "Girlfriend Led Shopping"*:

Anonymous

My girlfriend and I had gone shopping a couple times early in our relationship. This was before it even started developing into what it is now. Those trips were the typical co-ed shopping trip; she would spend forever looking at stuff while I would wander off and either sit and wait somewhere or find a more interesting store to shop in (think video games).

It ended up being equally miserable for each of us, so we both sort of came up with an unwritten rule that shopping would be something that we'd each do on our own. Neither of us had reason to reconsider this unwritten rule.

That is until we worked our way back to your set of blog entries. She decided a trip to the mall (or “mauling” as I normally referred to it) would be a good way to evaluate my progress. She called her best friend and made arrangements for the following Saturday.

Prior to our departure on Saturday, she went over the rules. From the time we get there until we leave, I don't get to sit down. I carry all the bags and I'm not allowed to set them down. When they want me to, I also carry their purses. I am not allowed to fidget or appear to be bored. I have to stay three paces behind, yet still keep up with them.

Even though there was reasonably close parking, I dropped them off curbside in front of one of the big department stores, parked the car, and then caught up with them inside. They were sampling some of the perfumes. Without a word, they hand me their purses and go back to exploring the merchandise. I began my day as an obedient valet.

The first hour or so was actually easy and I would have to admit kind of fun. It's weird how it feels to be a good servant; it kind of gives a sense of pride. I diligently followed them around carrying their bags for them, carrying their purses when they wanted me to (which was actually most of the time), doing the holding all of the garments they wanted to try on, retrieving other sizes, and returning stuff they weren't interested in.

There was one incident where she gave me a dress to put back on the rack. The saleslady that was helping them tried to grab it saying that she could take care of it. My girlfriend chimed in and told her not to worry about it because I love doing stuff like that. The saleslady gave me a quizzical look. I just smiled and said, “I live for this” as I put the dress back on the hanger and headed to the rack to put it back up. My girlfriend's friend watched the exchange and got a good kick out of it. I didn't hear the comment the saleslady made after I walked away, but I bet it would have been interesting.

After they picked out the stuff they wanted, they'd retrieve their purses, and my girlfriend would give me the debit card and tell me where they were headed for next, leaving me to take the stuff to the register and pay for it.

For the most part, this wasn't a problem. However, one store we visited sold accessory type stuff and was fairly busy. One of my standing rules is that if I am in line and a woman gets in line behind me, I have to let her go in front of me. I was the only guy in the store. I ended up letting about 10 women go in front of me. The only exception to the rule is I don't have to let them go in front of me if they are displaying insignia from a sorority different from my girlfriend's. Luckily, I spotted Greek lettering on one lady's necklace that allowed me to secure my position in line.

Needless to say, my girlfriend was not pleased that it took me so long to catch back up with them. She accepted my excuse when I explained why I was delayed, but said that I would still have to make up for being late.

After what was probably about two hours, they decided it was time for lunch. We headed to the food-court. Before getting there, she reminded me that the rules about carrying the bags and not being able to sit down still apply in the dining area. Then she queried about how much cash I had left over from my allowance. We got to the food-court and they picked out what they wanted. My girlfriend relayed the order to me, added what I was to get for myself, and sent me off. She likes having me eat minimal sized meals when we're with her friends.

She noticeably didn't give me the debit card, so I bought the food with the remains of my weekly allowance, which was barely enough to cover the cost. This was obviously intentional since she had made sure how much money I had to begin with.

Carrying the food along with all the bags was a tricky juggling act, but I managed to complete it without spilling anything. Fortunately, the ladies picked a tall table so it wouldn't look too awkward for me to be standing there while eating.

While walking through the mall, there were other couples attempting to shop together. All of them were where my girlfriend and I were at the start. The guys were moping around looking disinterested, attempting to spot where the nearest seat was, and wishing they could take a detour to one of the electronic stores or something of more interest. My girlfriend would spot such couples and make sure to parade me right in front of them. She would also ask something as we passed such as, “are you able to keep up with us?” I would diligently respond with a smile, “Yes, dear.” She loves showing off and making other women jealous. I will admit it makes me feel good to help her do so.

As time went by, the number of bags grew and grew. While the weight of each bag wasn't a whole lot, the compound effect of multiple bags began to get taxing. While her girlfriend was in the fitting room, I requested to consolidate some of the bags together so that I wouldn't have to juggle so many of them. She merely responded by pressing her finger down on my upper lip, her way of telling me she didn't want me talking.

All that constant walking and standing was starting to really make my legs tired. I had to more and more make a conscious effort to remain well behaved. Even though it's where they would spend the most time just trying stuff on, I came to really like it when they went to the shoe stores. Helping her try on different shoes allowed me to kneel down and rest the bags on the ground.

I could also sense that they were starting to get tired as well (as if women could actually get tired of shopping). They would start doing a tag team at some of the fitting rooms, where one would sit and relax while the other was trying stuff on. Of course, that was not an option for me as I was either running garments back and forth or playing my role as a coat rack near the entrance to the fitting room.

Other women shopping or trying stuff on would seem to always make some comment, either directly to my girlfriend or her friend or open to everyone. The most common one was 'I need to get one of those.” Each time they'd say something, I could see my girlfriend beam a smile, reminding me again what this was all about. She would just tell them that the best thing about it was that I actually enjoyed shopping with her. I think she enjoyed the attention and comments as much as anything else.

The drive back to the house was a relief. It was the first opportunity to sit down that I had since driving to the mall in the morning. When we got back to the house she said that since it took me so long at that accessory store that I owed each of them a half hour of leg and foot massage. This probably would have been expected even if I didn’t have that blemish on my performance. I would give one of the ladies a massage while the other would be trying on all the different outfits and stuff they had bought, then they’d tag team swap. It probably ended up being about two hours.

After they were done, her girlfriend wrote her a check for her portion of the purchases and left. My girlfriend gave me her review of the day. She said I was much better behaved than way back when we first attempted shopping together. However, she added that she thought I was having to consciously work at enjoying it and that our goal should be that we get to the point where I don’t have to work at behaving and that it’s more natural. She summed it up saying, “On the whole, I had a good time. All of us had fun. I got a bunch of new stuff for my wardrobe, and I even made some money at it.” She folded up the check her friend gave her and stuck it in her purse. I do not expect she put it back in my account.

This all happened about six weeks ago and she’s decided that it’s time to make a return trip to the mall. She’s called another one of her friends (she says she has more fun when shopping with friends) and we’re about to head out.

Sorry about this being so long. I sometimes tend to ramble on. I also apologize for taking so long to post, but things have been busy for me and she doesn’t always consent to my internet time.

Do any of my readers wish Anonymous had written shorter? I bet not. As for me, I can’t wait to read his next installment. And, as for his precocious girlfriend, she is welcome to borrow anything she likes to expand her delightful dominion over him.

* You can read his original comments below the post “Wife-Led Shopping: The Ultimate Test, Part 2”.

Female Superiority - Conversion Experience, Part 2

2011-05-03T16:46:00.000-07:00

As I wrote in Part 1 of this two-part post, my conversion to belief in the idea and reality of female superiority has been gradual. Perhaps the “aha” moment — when years of accumulated evidence reached a tipping point — occurred as I read that first email from Beckie Sue, describing her own reluctant journey of discovery, from FS skeptic to convert.

By the time I had reached her concluding thoughts—that “female superiority is only natural and is showing up more every day [and] someday it will be accepted by everyone”— I realized that not only had she hooked me, but reeled me in. Oh, I was still thrashing around in terminal protest, but I was definitely netted.

It felt like all the parts of her argument, which so closely paralleled my own experience (with my wife and all our married friends and family), had fitted and clicked together, permanently. Like one of those three-dimensional puzzles I can’t disassemble. All at once the matter-of-factness of female superiority was just there—everywhere I looked—and, in Beckie Sue’s phrase, “only natural.”

It was certainly natural in my marriage. I’m wedded to an Oracle. She makes wise and prudent decisions on the fly, weighing all relevant factors including how the outcome will affect each person in the equation. I have no clue how she does it; she didn’t graduate from Hogwarts, but she’s a full-fledged wizard nonetheless. I’ve learned, over the two-decade course of our marriage, and considerable dating time before that, to take every problem to her and then do exactly what she says. Like an applicant, or supplicant, to the Oracle of Delphi, say.

Since I have learned that many other husbands, especially of the wife-worshipping persuasion, do likewise, and for the same reason. In our house and theirs, Mother Knows Best.

So I was well primed to accept and promote the proposition of female superiority. Except for the inescapable corollary, i.e., masculine inferiority, or, more specifically, my own inferiority vis-à-vis my wife. Female superiority can be taken with a spoonful of sugar; male inferiority has to be swallowed straight and it can stick in one’s craw. Was I “man” enough to truly accept that lowered status, and live it? Frankly, Beckie Sue wondered the same thing. “I don't think you have accepted female superiority as a fact yet,” she wrote me, “though you want to.”

But how could I justify holding out on my secondary status in the marriage? It was writ plain for all to see—for our kids, family and friends, waiters and waitresses, car salesmen, the tax guy, hotel clerks. Everyone knew where the marital power resided, who made the decision, who handled the money, who exercised the superior judgment. In fact, the areas in which I was subordinate to my wife just kept—and keep—expanding, day by month by year.

My paycheck was direct deposited to my wife’s private account, just as in Beckie Sue’s marriage. (And for good reasons, which perhaps I can detail another time.) Again as in Beckie Sue’s marriage, all “our” decisions were wife-made and final. I was automatically out of the loop on almost everything of consequence, from permission for sleepovers to vacation plans. Arguments had become a thing of the past because I deferred to the Oracle on all matters great and small, and had grown comfortable doing it (and increasingly uncomfortable when circumstances required me to decide important matters without benefit of her wisdom and common sense).

And my wife was, and is, at ease with the female-first order and hierarchy. She knew her decisions were superior, that her judgment to mine was as a mother’s to a child’s. Even in supposedly masculine areas of expertise, like fixing mechanical things or organizing home-improvement projects, I have learned humbly to take the problem to the Oracle. She will study the matter until she finds a practical solution.

Anyway, I was excited after reading Beckie’s Sue’s email, and immediately sent a copy to my wife, wanting to share it, wanting her reaction. She emailed me back, “That was quite a letter from that woman.” Only later did I realize that a likely reason that Beckie’s Sue’s ideas had resonated with my wife was that my wife had already—quietly and calmly—reached the same convictions. Namely, that women are superior.

And I wondered: How many women are similarly convinced of female superiority and, out of social courtesy or reverse chivalry, go through the motions of according males a status they we not merit? I suspect it might be a very large percentage.

“I have asked my wife if she thought she was superior and she didn't answer,” wrote one commenter to the Subservient Husband blog. “I asked if she thought I was wrong in saying she was superior, and she was unable to disagree with me on that point.” Exactly.

But philosophical acceptance of female superiority is one thing. Living day by day in a home and family structure that is ruled by that superior creature is another. That’s the New World Order I have been coming to terms with. And, perhaps surprisingly, the more I have accepted it deep down in my being, the happier I have become. Not only is female superiority “natural,” like Beckie Sue says, but it just feels right. It’s more in sync with the actual power balance in our marriage. I am a satellite, circling her, magnetized by her. She has the gravitas. She is the center of my universe.

Again to quote Beckie Sue: ”Most husbands today understand, even if subconsciously, that they are inferior to their wives.” Absolutely true in my case. I realized that I had always felt like an impostor playing the role of man of the house, lord of the manor, and all that. Once I dropped that leading-man pretense and accepted my supporting role, I felt liberated and, to use a modern pop psych word, “authentic.”

Now, finally, I have become comfortable with my true and subordinate status. I am free to enjoy serving her, my superior, the love of my life, a Goddesss incarnate who I am privileged to live with, to adore and worship and obey.

As a bonus, I am enjoying the company of a large online support group of happily “inferior” guys who have also had their eyes opened.

In his admirable blog, Subservient Husband explores his own sense of “submissive” liberation and his growing sense of pride in serving a superior creature:

“I have come to appreciate her leadership… I am thankful she gives me the benefit of her direction. I do understand my wife is more intelligent too. It is a big thing to admit since it goes to the core of self-preservation kinds of things, but I feel I have worked though that now…
“I think the term [inferior] is being shunned due to the societal image it conjures up. In my view, it is healthy to acknowledge and accept that my wife is better at things than me and my willingness to submit to her authority is in my best interest.”

For Subservient Husband, acceptance and understanding of his inferiority offers an additional benefit. As a service-oriented submissive, he finds the idealization of his wife and the consequent imbalance of power a wonderful motivator, energizing him in his daily chores of housecleaning, child care, wifely pampering, and so forth.

Typical of the lively debate encouraged by Subservient Husband, his post was followed by a long and intense exchange of comments pro and con. I especially enjoyed two strongly supportive reactions from wives:

“[My husband] knows he is inferior to me and he loves being inferior to me.”

“Accepting being inferior (or accepting your husband as inferior) is hard after being taught otherwise all your life. Thank you for not backing down. This is actually hard for me to understand and write here. But male inferiority is to be accepted and embraced by both wife and husband. Once both accept their respective role, a relationship will be much smoother.”

Or, as Subservient Husband himself puts it: “Some may think that living as the inferior in a relationship would be cause for discontent. For me it is a realization I acknowledge and find I thrive on the recognition of."

As Beckie Sue has said, “If men only could understand that female superiority would be the ideal for them.” So, thank you, Beckie Sue, for opening my eyes to this blindingly beautiful fact of life, one which I will never forget.

On this same topic, I came across the following quote from a now defunct FLR message board. I’m guessing it was written by the opposite (and superior) sex:

“Why does female superiority make males happy? They are happy because they have found their place in this world. They have found a reason to exist, a reason which they can intuitively link to the natural order of things. To learn that they are inferior does not make males unhappy, on the contrary; they state it with pride. Males who have understood female superiority know that at their place they can be useful, and this makes them happy. They also realize how lucky they are to share this planet with such wonderful beings as women. To serve a superior female is not degrading; on the contrary, it is an honor for males to serve their superiors, It is assuming their rightful place and duty in the order of the universe.”

Note: I am, of course, aware that the topic of female superiority is debatable, and tends to excite strong reactions, pro and con. But, as this is a personal “conversion” post, I’ve steered clear of all that, or tried to, as well as use of the more inflammatory term, “female supremacy.” Perhaps another time.

###

Starting Early on an FLR

2011-03-31T15:52:00.000-07:00

A young man (in his twenties, I’d guess) just commented anonymously on a post from last September 9, Au876 on Financial Control, Part 2, and I enjoyed it so much that I decided to build a new post around it.

First, his comment in its entirety:

My girlfriend manages my finances. We aren't married (yet) and she makes a point to differentiate between manage and control. She set up two bank accounts for me. My name is on the account but she has signature authority over them. She is the only one that knows the on-line passwords.

I have a debit card for one account. We keep $250 in this account and it's primarily for emergency situations. Also, if I need to buy a big dollar item, something like airline tickets, she will transfer the money into the account to cover the cost.

My direct deposit goes into the other account. While it's still my account, I am not "allowed" access to it. We both know that the money is still mine, but she decides how it is spent. My portion of the bills are paid from this account as are my various loan payments (I still have car and student loan payments).

Every Monday, she gives me $100 in cash. But then every Monday evening, we go out and have dinner with three to four of her girl friends. They all know about our relationship and it's sort of a little ritual we have. She'll order something simple for me (a soup or salad) and I basically wait as they eat their meals and socialize. She'll signal me when it's my time to leave, and I'll pay the bill then go wait in the car.

My allowance is really what's left over from the $100 after paying for their dinners. It usually ends up being around $20 per week. Sometimes she'll encourage them to break their diets and order desserts. When she does that, I usually have to use money saved from the previous week to pay the bill. One time I didn't have enough surpluses from the previous week and had to use the debit card. She docked my allowance the two following weeks to replenish it.

She does occasionally take liberties with how she manages my money. She's occasionally informed me that I've “treated” her and one of her friends to session at the day spa. Then she'll point out that I spent the past three days at work so they could enjoy a couple hours of relaxation.

You've advised against allowing girlfriends financial control. But in my case, prior to her taking over, my finances were in the crapper (I was wasting money and was habitually late on credit cards and stuff). I'm also young enough that even if she does take everything, it's not as if I've got a whole lot of time invested in it. And like you and your wife, I really have no reason to not trust her. She seems to enjoy doing things to remind me how much control she has over me. And her enjoyment is what I have found ends up making me the happiest.

I also believe that since she owns my time, my employer is really paying her to have me work there.

And here is my enthusiastic reply:

Anonymous, I have to say that this is one of the most exciting comments this blog has seen in its three-plus years. Exciting especially because you are embarking on your FLR at such an early age, with so many delightful decades ahead of you if, as perhaps we both hope, your girlfriend consolidates her loving authority over you by taking you to husband.

Many, if not most of the FLR bloggers and commenters I’m familiar with seem to have converted to this lifestyle after many years of marriage, in their mid-forties, fifties and even beyond. Many seem to be empty-nesters, especially those who are privileged to live in an FLR 24/7. And I doubt not that most of them—I’m talking about guys now --would share my envy of you for coming so thoroughly under your girlfriend’s control so early.
I hope that you will comment or email in future, with updates about your evolving relationship. As I said, with so many years ahead, and your girlfriend demonstrating such a fertile imagination (like those Monday-night dinners with her girlfriends) in her “management” of you (as opposed to “control”), the possibilities ahead for both of you seem almost limitless… and truly exciting.

I also commend you for realizing how you are prospering under her judicious financial management—even if she does restrict you to a meager allowance. I would like to see a survey of just how many wives, whether in official wife-led marriages or out, take control of hubby’s paycheck, for exactly the reason that your girlfriend has done.

By the way, I don’t recall ever having advised against having a girlfriend take financial control. I have certainly read such advice, and understand the commonsensical reasons for it. As Lady Misato observed, “It is possible for a woman to exercise erotic power within a long-term non-marital arrangement but outside of marriage, there is a) a temptation on the part of the man to seek an easier resolution, and b) no committed relationship into which to invest.”

Finally, because I am so intrigued by your comment, and I want to share it with more of my blog followers, I propose to include it in a new post in the next day or so. Again, thank you, and keep us all posted!

As I reread Anonymous’ Comment, I was reminded of a young man who joined Lady Misato’s original Yahoo! Wife Worship husbands’ forum probably ten-plus years ago and shared his fledgling FLR… except that term didn’t exist at the time. Lady Misato called it “wifedom” or “courtship marriage.” This young bachelor, who signed himself “quasarableu2000,” used the common term, “femdom,” to describe his evolving relationship with his girlfriend. His postings created quite a stir, I can tell you, among our group of mostly 40-plus husbands.

I trust Lady Misato won’t object to my sharing a sampling of quasarbleu’s postings from all those years ago:

quasarbleu2000
Hi, I'm new to the forum... I'm not married but in a serious relationship with a girl that opened my eyes to this site and many others. What can I do to make her happy, yet not smother her? Yesterday I gave her a pedicure and painted her nails. What else? We are both in college and money is tight for me. Any suggestions would be good, we are great friends… I'm not her slave, I'm her submissive boyfriend and her best friend, she's the dominant friend with a twist. I'm madly in love with her and she's madly in love with me. Thanks for any input and ideas.

Just wondering how you guys are coping with this lifestyle? I've had some serious trouble adjusting to this lately. At first the domination was light and has now progressed into a full-blown life of my long-term GF's domination. She said about a month ago she wanted things to progress to the next level. I had no idea what that was going to mean until now. My releases have gone from 3-4 a week to now less than 1, while I pleasure her nearly 2 or more times a day. The chastity tube that's on me has been sized and resized until it fit so perfect I can't get out of this thing. I've now been in this thing for 9 days, that's a long time when it’s real. My resistance to her domination is long gone after 48 hours! She has modified most of our relationship and I must admit I'm in heaven, but how do some of you who have the more domineering wives cope?

This has come to a slow progression, but I'm looking around now and I can't see how I could ever go back. Recently my long-term girlfriend told me that she was going to be decorating my apartment and organizing it so she could move in easily. Basically, she said in no uncertain terms that “her” apartment was going to need to be organized and I was going to have to help her maintain it. Her dominance grows slowly but almost like a snowball, once she was comfortable with her dominance in our relationship it started to take effect in many parts of our lives like this. All I can say is this, this is what most of us asked for and I’m happy.

My long term GF says and I quote “I enjoy the absolute submissive disposition you get when you are denied. Your thoughts are so easily manipulated by me, it's a lifestyle I want us to get used to.” She enjoys her erotic power more when it “works” and it only seems to work if she truly controls my orgasms.

Okay, so my girl friend calls me and asks me if I want to go to dinner with her twin sister and her sister’s roommate and go out for the night. Her twin sister’s roommate was telling my girlfriend’s sister that her ex-boyfriend was a womanizing asshole and that she needed to find a guy like me, who would worship & obey her like I do Jenny. Then Jenny pats me on the head and says something like, “I’ve turned him into this girls, don’t think he came this way.” Which is true in every respect. Then her sister looks at us and says with a smile, “Jenny, you womanize Jeff.” Then they all start laughing and the roommate says, “Oh my god yes, Jeff you do her laundry, clean her room for her, do her nails, the pedicures,” then she breaks down laughing because of the alcohol and embarrassment of the topic. Then Jenny say out loud, “Looks like the big secret is out, Jeffrey, everyone knows about us.” Anyways, I don’t know what to think now, I feel so embarrassed. Does she have the right to do this to me?”

[I include here the answer to this query from my old friend, Au876: “Dear quasarbleu2000, I can understand why you would be embarrassed but YES, she does have the right to do that to you. All she has done is let some of her friends know about the relationship you enjoy with her. It put you in a rather humble position but I suspect you enjoyed it to some extent. You should be proud she brags on you to her friends. You can almost bet your bottom dollar they envy her.”]

quasarbleu2000 (continuing)
It's very common for girls my age to be the dominant one in the relationship and for that position to be stated and understood. Now don't take my statement to mean “More girls are into femdom relationships,” because I don't think they see them in that way. I think women in general, in my era are becoming less submissive as a whole. Several of my female friends are in what we would consider femdom relationships, they just don't call them that. To them, it's a normal relationship, they are in charge of it, and that's how all their relationships since they hit puberty have been.

Well, my GF told me that she wants me to start checking with her before I buy anything large from now on. Also, she mentioned that she wants to start looking at my paychecks and bills, seems as though she is interested in controlling my money more so than before. She is interested in a joint-checking. I didn't even think banks would do that unless two people were married. It’s obvious she wants us to get married sometime, and she's trying to get me ready for what it will be like, well so she says. Frankly, the idea turns me on. Truth is, I'm horrible with money, while I make great money even while in school, I manage it like total crap. I trust her with everything, my heart first and foremost, my money also. I'm content with her control, it's all the more real this way. (End of Excepts)

Quasarbleu2000, are you still out there? If so, could we have an update?

Female Superiority - Conversion Experience, Part 1

2011-03-25T16:23:00.000-07:00

My conversion to the idea and practice of wife worship happened about a dozen years ago. I can remember vividly the rising arc of emotion, from the first suspicions that this could be special, then gathering and building until it culminated in one of those indelible “Aha!” moments. I don’t recall the search terms that led me to Fumika Misato’s “Real Women Don’t Do Housework” website, but they were certainly providential. As I scanned and scrolled my way down those female-savvy, pink-backgrounded paragraphs and pages, a lifetime of thoughts and yearnings and confusions converged in my mind and fell into a coherent structure--Lady Misato’s coherent structure, which I immediately adopted, then adapted to my own purposes.

Yes, I thought, this is how it was meant to be for me, all along. Why did I never realize this? Lady Misato was offering me a way not only to transform my marriage, but possibly to save it. For too many years I had stolen and siphoned off erotic energies from my wife and our marriage bed by secret masturbation. An indispensable activity, no doubt, for a monastic, a reclusive bachelor, but a dirty word for a married man, at least as applied to me. I had become addicted, like a teenage boy, to porn imagery, and, increasingly, courtesy of the Internet back room, femdom porn.

Lady Misato was offering me a way to take all my submissive yearnings, which even while pursuing I regarded as shameful, and redirect them back into my marriage, expressing them openly as the rituals of romantic courtship. It was praiseworthy, not shameful, she explained, for a man to get down his knees and worship the flesh and blood goddess he was already married to. She deserved no less of me, every day, every night.

And guess what? It worked, and it still does. In fact, I wrote a book about it, and then another one.

More recently, I have undergone an additional, but similar conversion experience, one which is, I believe, taking me a bit farther along the blessed path of wife worship. This latter-day conversion has been so incremental that I am unable to locate the precise moment when everything coalesced into “Eureka!” or “Aha!” But it has been in process, in percolation, for the dozen years or so that I have practicing and preaching wife worship.

The post title above gives it away, of course. Without really knowing when or how or why it happened, I have become a believer in female superiority.

Some of my conversion process has been public and actually chronicled in the Comments section of this blog, appended in particular to the two guest posts on “Wife Worship and Female Superiority” by “Beckie Sue” last fall. Until her posts, I had tiptoed oh so carefully around the term, and the concept, of Female Superiority, sensing that it might be inflammatory. (And was it ever!)

And yet, in the first wife-worship book, and even more in the several years of blog posts that became the sequel, the apotheosis of womanhood was certainly on almost every page. It’s not a big step from there, bowing before the idealization of the Divine Feminine, to open espousal of the idea of female superiority, starting with one’s obviously superior wife.

Certainly I was aware of all the research indicating that females are the prototypical gender, with males being an obvious chromosomal variant thereof, and the overwhelming statistics showing that young women are on the ascendant in secondary and higher and post-graduate education, and in any number of professions. In fact, I’ve made a practice of bookmarking these studies and articles and emailing them, or the URLs, to my wife, as if to say, “Okay, I concede the point, girls rule!”

A copy of Ashley Montague’s seminal work, The Natural Superiority of Women, a birthday gift from me to my wife, is prominently displayed on an end table in our family room, just beside me, in fact, as I write.

And yet, in some inner recess of my compartmentalized brain, I held fast to the illusion of masculine superiority. And publicly I never strayed from the orthodox and politically correct view that everything and everyone is absolutely equal in every aspect. Because… well, because that’s only fair, and certainly Mister Rogers and Thomas Jefferson and Barney the Dinosaur all agree that everybody is a very special person and nobody is allowed to be better than anybody else at anything!

But I could not apply that politically correct, 50-50 standard to marriage. The observable evidence, in my marriage and all the marriages I was able to observe, was that they prospered with the women in control, as they usually were, and foundered to the degree that the husbands began to assert their own inclinations and proclivities.

And it was, and is, absolutely true that, in my marriage and our family life, without my wife’s wise and loving leadership and superior judgment in every area, the kids and I would be utterly lost. I’m no dummy, but even on my best day, in our family, Mother Knows Best

So, like I say, I continued to be a stubborn holdout against any categorical assertion of female superiority. Sure, women were socially superior, but no way a WNBA all-star team could hold their own against the NBA slam-dunkers! Okay, so maybe girls and women are better at real life and in the classroom, but they can’t go one-on-one with guys when it comes time for recess and playground activities.

Then Beckie Sue sent me a lengthy email about her own slow and even reluctant conversion to the idea of female superiority, and her own gradual assumption of leadership in her marriage. My initial reading of her story is pretty close to my “Aha!” conversion moment. With her permission, I published that email and several additional ones as a two-part guest-blog:

Wife Worship and Female Superiority, Part 1

Wife Worship and Female Superiority, Part 2

Take a look, if you haven’t already, and we’ll discuss at the next class.

(End Part One)

Lucky to Be a Guy

2011-03-17T22:23:00.000-07:00

When I was a kid, I used to thank God I was born a boy. The stuff we got to do was a lot more fun, I thought–baseball, basketball, wearing raggedy jeans (girls didn’t like holes in their knees back then), standing up to take a whizz—in the bushes, behind the school, anywhere. Girls had to play with dolls, have pretend tea parties, wear skirts and pinafores and shiny black Mary Janes, all that silly stuff.

Post-puberty, my feelings didn’t change, only I had a lot of new reasons for my preference. Being a guy didn’t just mean doing guy stuff, but being excited by girls, being close to them, as close as we could get, and thinking about them all the time. Those strange and shunned stick-figure classmates had suddenly developed wondrous curves and cupolas and metamorphosed into magical creatures.

All these decades later, I still thank God I was born a guy, but the rationale has evolved. Now it’s because God in his or her infinite love created women, allowing men the incredible luck to live on the same planet with these incarnate goddesses. And, yes, I am more and more convinced that it is the proper place of men to adore, worship and obey these creatures, who bless our lives with their beauty and wisdom, creators of family of “man” and, indeed, of civilization itself.

Which reminds me of a friend who used to thank God he was gay, because it meant he didn’t have to deal on intimate terms with the opposite sex, whom he found, almost without exception, to be devious and manipulative. Guys he found much more straightforward, much more—well, like himself. He no doubt would have agreed with the exasperated and militant march of Henry Higgins, “Why can’t a woman be more like a man?”

But, as I wrote in Worshipping Your Wife, most guys crave the opposite sex for their very oppositeness to us (among other attractions). Waxing semi-philosophical, I mused, “Are we drawn to them, biologically, as the literal matrix of masculinity, from which we emerged?”

For answers, I’ll yield the lectern to some other voices, beginning with an anonymous and articulate wife-worshipper I quoted in Chapter 7 of my book, who believes that women’s “rightful roles” are “as the divine inspiration to our otherwise sad and empty lives.” Men are most happy, he wrote, when we “give our bodies, our minds and our lives to serve and defend these brave, beautiful, nurturing, challenging, life-giving, playful, wondrous women. With their guidance, our lives once again become real and connected to the natural world.”

Anyway, that’s why I think males, whatever we lack in other areas, are luckier than females, because we get to be the recipients of all their bedazzling powers.

The same point was made, in eloquent if sometimes awkward English, in a letter to Elise Sutton from a German gentleman calling himself “Dieter”:

Dear Ms. Sutton, “My dad taught me that men only under the leadership of women can become lucky and successful to the same time. He told me that women led us away from the apes into civilization…
During puberty, I realized something else, something mystic with the girls. I wanted to be a part of this womanly Beauty. I didn’t want to be a girl, I wanted to be a part of the girl that made me falling into awe. Girls in general made me feel that way. Everything of them were a mystic beauty – their face, their body, how they moved, talked, laughed, how they looked at me - overwhelmed my sense of Beauty.
Making love to [the girl who became my wife] gave me for moments the illusion I had achieved what I longed for, being a part of her, being a part of the endless Beauty of womanhood she represented for me.
[And later] I was a part of her. I had experienced the Beauty of womanhood – that is like KNOWING what the word paradise really means. For more than 30 years now THIS is the highest level I try to get in sex life. Compared with this, ejaculation means nothing for me.
Every women who is aware of her supremacy looks beautiful and my wife is most beautiful for me. Maybe our femdom lifestyle is a bit old-fashioned. On the other hand there is hardly another man who lives for more than my 57 years under female authority. So I think I am blessed – blessed by Goddesses.”

My old cyber friend, Au876, puts it this way, even more briefly: “Anyone who has a wife they can love, adore and worship is lucky.”

From another kindred spirit: “If more men would quit trying to understand women and just sit back and enjoy them, I think we'd all be better off. I am so lucky to have my wife to serve, obey and please every day of my life!”

Another wife-worshipper chimes in: “Think of your beloved as a fabulous courtesan, whom you are courting and presenting with costly gifts, each night, hoping she will notice you. Aren’t you lucky to be the man who gets to buy her such presents?”

Admit it, isn’t it kind of a relief, to hear husbands drop the macho, cocky façade and gush openly and excitedly about their addlepated adoration of their magnificent wives? If you don’t’ think so, better stop reading, because I’ve got a few more to share:

Amen Chorus:

“My wife is everything a man could ever want in a woman and I am so lucky to have her. I tell her every day that she is the most beautiful woman in the world and that I love her with all my heart.”

“I will never take my wife for granted; I will be mindful of how lucky I am to have her and seek a thousand little ways to express my gratitude.”

I felt like a 17-year-old Romeo who was newly head over heels in love, but with my own wife. I also felt like a veil was removed from my eyes and I could see her much more clearly as a confident, intelligent, and very sexy woman who I was lucky to be married to. [from “Wife’s Romeo”]

“Many men only dream of being in deeply romantic relationships, instead sitting at home alone, night after night. You have the opportunity to please a goddess that most men would die for. Make the most of it!”

I looked at this wonderful woman and I thought about just how lucky I am. And I could feel the love I have for her welling up inside me as I gazed at her face. And the longer I was like this, the more entranced I felt. She was so beautiful, and I was so fortunate.”[from Enoch]

“My eyes and mind never wander from my wife. All my attention and energy are spent on pleasuring her. I am aware of people saying how lucky she is to have a young devoted husband but the truth is that I am the lucky one. She has given me experiences that I can only dream of. She has made me a real man.” [from another letter to Elise Sutton}.

“The key to a man’s happiness is to realize how lucky you are to share this planet with such wonderful beings as Women. To be a servant to your Wife is not degrading : on the contrary, it is an honour for males to serve their Superiors, it is assuming their right place and duty in the order of the universe.”

“I figured i better get busy and be more attentive and romantic--just call Her at least once a day and tell Her how much i love Her and how important to me She is and how lucky i am to be Hers and how happy i am to belong to Her. And to take the time to be genuinely happy and devoted to giving Her my full attention when She comes in the house, or any time we haven't seen each other for awhile.” [from Semanticus]

I suppose some wives could OD on all this sugary speech and assign hubby corner time to cool off. But a lot of wives manage somehow to adjust to the daily burden of apotheosis, and some even get to like it a lot:

“My husband constantly tells me how beautiful I am and how lucky he is - and he's right! He too is much happier and is often humming or singing around the house now. He has become my knight in shining armor as I have become his glorious Queen.”

*

Taking Her Name, Update

2011-03-11T09:16:00.001-08:00

I've been unable to find posting time of late, swamped at work and at home, but I thought I'd at least post this new comment to an older article, "Taking Her Name, Part 1," since most readers would be unlikely to see it:

Anonymous:

"I am secretly envious of the men on this blog. My wife kept her name when we were married 20 years ago, but since then her career has eclipsed mine and her role in our marriage has become obviously dominant. It used to bother me that she kept her name, but over the past few years I've rather enjoyed being known as Mr. 'wife's surname.'"

Benefiting From Her Wisdom

2011-02-23T15:42:00.000-08:00

I have the incredible good fortune to be married to a woman who is always right. I’d estimate around 99% and feel safe, since every once in a great while she’s actually wrong—about minor stuff, mind you–just to demonstrate that she’s not perfect.

I can deal with it. Not by disputing her, however, although I know some husbands resort to such tactics. They assert the great ape prerogative, strut about the cave and shout her down. But I prefer to cope with her near-infallibility by adopting her ideas whole hog, along with her viewpoints, suggestions, hints, directives, and generally profiting from the privilege of living with an Oracle.

“Oracle” because she’s not only right about current stuff, but about the future. My wife gives wonderful advice—almost off the top of her head. I am amazed when I see people, especially our kids, ignore it. Not only do I take her advice, I rarely do anything, even send an email, without asking for input.

Some husbands would go nuts to be so overshadowed by female omniscience. I know one guy, whose wife is also a brain and a gem, and this guy second guesses her or contradicts her about everything. She can barely get out one sentence without him rising, like an opposing attorney, to raise an objection, a clarification, to challenge, or to launch into a full-scale cross examination. Over the decades of this boorish and unbearable behavior, he has succeeded in undermining his wife’s confidence to the extent that she now second guesses herself on everything.

(PS. She’s actually a courtroom attorney, outearning him by a very long way.)

So when I read the advice of wife-worshipping husbands never to argue with your spouse, it’s hard not to take. But apparently I’m not so unusually in being married to a prodigy. Wives, it would seem, really are smarter, and the best way for us guys to smarten up is to listen up.

I share some thoughts along these lines:

Fdhousehusband: “…my second Key Insight of a Successful Submissive flows from the power exchange at the heart of any Female Led Relationship: KISS #2: ‘She has Authority to make mistakes.’ Looking at the flip side of this, if She only has authority to make good decisions, where is the power exchange? She would only be doing what you agreed with! But, if She has the authority to make mistakes, you are really putting yourself completely in Her hands!"

Beckie Sue: “A few years ago, my husband and I sat down and I told him if I was going to make the decisions, I demanded he obey me without question. Do I make mistakes? More than I wish. But my husband takes the blame for them and the punishment; this is his worship of his goddess!"

Au876: “Give your opinion or advice when she wants it BUT REMEMBER she is the decision maker. Once she makes the decision you have to adopt it as your own. It is no longer a question of her being right or wrong, it is a matter of you supporting and obeying her regardless of what you think… Vow to yourself that no matter what, you will support her position and make it work. If it develops she was in fact wrong, NEVER say I told you so or even hint at it. Be a man about it and take the blame yourself. There is a saying, ‘The boss is never wrong.’ It is not because the boss is never wrong, it is because She is the boss.”

Pussywhipped Prince: “The freedom and power of surrendering my thoughts and opinions that run contrary to my wife's position is the purest joy and most terrifying action I have encountered. You've heard the saying ‘The woman is always right.’ Standing there with steadfast commitment takes my becoming a stronger man than I have ever known myself to be. If a man has an opinion in the forest and no woman is around, is it still wrong?”

Madame Rebecca (who operated a now-defunct Yahoo! Group entitled, “Trained Husbands and Happy Wives”): “Let your wife do your thinking.” And elaborating upon this:
“You want her to be more active and you desire to show her you are a useful male and serve her. Does it not appear to you that if she told you or asked you or that if you even thought she wanted you to do something, you should do it? Live for her and let her do your thinking for you. Let her know that you know she is always right and she is smarter than you and knows what’s best for you.”

As I wrote in an earlier blog post, Being Shaped By Her, Part 3, “…many husbands, who initially balk at having their wives mold their thoughts and opinions, become accustomed, and even addicted to the process over time.”

Five Food Groups vs. Six Steps

2011-02-14T21:16:00.000-08:00

The mainstreaming of the concept of female-led relationships is an exciting thing to watch, and also to chronicle, especially for us self-appointed cheerleaders of the movement. FLR and WLM (wife-led marriages) blogs are proliferating daily and assertive women are in media ascendancy everywhere you look.

A major contribution to this mainstreaming is a new FLR website, entitled, simply, Female Led Relationships. Go take a plunge, and if you don’t come back to finish this blog, that’s fine. I’m especially delighted by its persuasive feminine slant. To quote the developers:

"This site is about Female Led Relationships, women leading the men they love, building a better relationship. [It] was basically written by 4 women and 1 man. By Jan 2011 thousands have participated in the project. Participation is open but monitored. We are and cater to intelligent people who want intelligent direction and answers. The content was written from a middle aged woman's perspective for women to read. Men readers can use this as a resource for their mates and are welcome to participate.”

A wonderful resource indeed, I think, perfect for introducing a wife or girlfriend to the benefits of female-led relationships. Again, to quote: “We want to provide a refreshingly open and thorough website covering the topic of FLR without all the distasteful distractions. This site exists without porn… We only show images depicting women as positive and capable leaders whose families benefit from men serving in a positive way.”

One of the site’s sub-pages discusses what they call the “5 Food Groups” of FLRs, which they list as:

1. Finances
2. Free Time
3. Household Chores
4. Life Direction
5. Sex

These are areas of a relationship in which couples can profitably experiment by expanding the area of female control, from 50/50 to total. The site discusses the advantages to a woman (and, ultimately, to her spouse) in gradually ratcheting up the amount of control she exercises in each of these areas.

I particularly enjoyed this list, because it is practical and woman-focused, in a well-organized, slick-magazinish sort of way (and I mean that in a complimentary way). The “5 Food Groups” also reminded me of the subtitle of my book, Worshipping Your Wife: Six Steps for Turning Marriage Back Into Passionate Courtship.

My Six Steps are addressed to husbands and boyfriends desirous of initiating a female-led relationship, even if they have to start on the sly. To quote myself, the guy needs to:

1. Realize that "the thrill is gone" and that he wants to get it back.
2. Save his sex energies for his wife.
3. Make her his fantasy.
4. Court her every day, attempt to win her anew.
5. Pamper her and pitch in around the house.
6. Dare to be known by her.

Sometimes I call it Wife Worship, sometimes Perpetual Courtship. My inspiration for both was Fumika Misato’s brilliant formulation of the Courtship Marriage. (Her website, Real Women Don’t Do Housework, like the new Female Led Relationships site, is definitely supercharged with estrogen.)

But whichever steps are followed, the romantic endgame is the same. The point of Passionate Courtship is that it is led and guided by the woman, with the ardent male suitor at her beck and call. Perpetuated and sanctified, it becomes a Female Led Relationship or a Wife-Led Marriage.

And it’s the coming thing.

FLR Fiction & Fact

2011-01-19T16:19:00.000-08:00

”A great obstacle to good education is the inordinate passion prevalent for novels, and the time lost in that reading which should be instructively employed. When this poison infects the mind, it destroys its tone and revolts it against wholesome reading.”
— Thomas Jefferson, “On the Dangers of Reading Fiction”

Jefferson may well have been right, but it’s too late for me. The poison of novel reading affected my mind at too early an age and wrought too much destruction. I remain hooked to this day. I not only read the stuff by the barrel, I write it as well (under another name).

Occasionally I even recommend fiction on this blog, beginning with some woman-worshipping citations from both Dickens and Stevenson. And I am about to do so again, having just finished two highly enjoyable FLR-themed novellas by a friend to this blog, William Gaius.

Both titles—The Ancestors of Star and Lessons at the Edge--are available from Lulu.com. Both are provocative and engrossing tales full of compelling conflict and indelible characters.

To be sure, “femdom fiction” (often traced to Leopold von Sacher-Masoch’s Venus in Furs) is cropping up all over the Internet, and I can’t even pretend to survey it. I just don’t read that much these days. (A couple years back, however, I did feature an excerpt from a femdom fictioneer cybernamed Eosuchus, citing some interesting parallels with a passage from a short suspense novel by the late John D. MacDonald.)

Otherwise, in this blog I’ve steered clear of the genre, as it tends toward the kinkier end of the FLR spectrum, to put it mildly. The emphasis here (though I’ve strayed of late) has been toward the romantic aspects of the courtship marriage—ways of empowering and empedestaling the wife, with the husband paying various kinds of daily homage.

But, like many husbands in wife-led marriages, I still have my erotic fantasies, most of which I dare not confess, for fear my wife would find them bizarre, even incomprehensible. I don’t necessarily crave their enactment—well, sometimes I do. But I visit them vicariously, from time to time, in literary fantasyland.

In the same way I enjoy the Amazonian adventures available in Elise Sutton’s “Real Life Stories.” And, yes, it has been pointed out (even by Ms. Sutton herself) that some of these letters may, indeed, be fictional, despite her attempts to weed out wholesale invention. The same can be said of a certain percentage of postings on FLR message boards, and of wife-worshipful quotes used in my book and blog.

Not all, by any means, but some.

Decades ago, in fact, I concocted a few prurient tales myself, which were published in the Letters sections of Penthouse Variations. In those days, the digest-size magazine was listed as an adult fiction market in writer’s magazines, and the rates weren’t bad. The editors I dealt with never pretended that the great majority of published Letters were anything other than short fiction.

But cynicism can go too far. I have read occasional know-it-all commentators insisting that Ms. Sutton herself was a fiction, foisted on a gullible public by a man, no less. (I think not.) And I recall on the old Spousechat message board a poster casting doubt on an erotically charged D/s pre-wedding ceremony created by Ms. Lynda, Spousechat’s most redoubtable contributor.

Ms. Lynda had described a “Fastening Ceremony” recreated from in the novel Ritual of Proof, in which six male attendants in Chippendale’s outfits bore her aloft into the private hall in a sedan chair where her husband-to-be knelt before her, ready to take her name. Attendance was limited to a select few "in the know." Here's the exchange in part:

ANON
I was really enjoying your posts to the board, and believed them for the most part, but now it has segued into overt fantasy. That’s really sad to me though, because I would love to believe there are those who accept women as the head of the household, but it appears that, on the Internet anyway, it must always be in the realm of wishful thought and BDSM-esque fantasy scripts. If I'm wrong please tell me but as for now I'll just say I enjoy your posts and wish they were real.

MS. LYNDA
Of course, you do not have to believe what I have written, and there is no way I can prove it to you… We did the ceremony from memory so he could say, "love, honor, and obey." We had decided to have us announced as Woman and Husband, [and] the priest announced us as Ms. and Mr. Lynda BJ… In the end, I do not care if you believe or not. That is your right. I just know that our family will be different, but special… There are too many people who will not acknowledge a woman's ability to lead and a man's ability and willingness to follow.

In fact, I am convinced that there are more actual FLR activities going on these days, in and out of the bedroom, than have been dreamed up by the fevered imaginations of us repressed scribblers, or by an infinite number of sex-crazed monkeys with keyboards.

For instance, I am assured by the very able Mr. Gaius that all the scenes he describes in his novels in such libidinous detail are reality-based and bedroom-tested. By the way, if you enjoy his Lessons at the Edge half as much as I did, you’ll be especially happy to learn that there’s a sequel in the works.

Taking Her Name, Part 2

2010-12-22T10:33:00.001-08:00

“I believe more and more women will be requiring that their husbands take on the wife’s last name,” writes Elise Sutton, undoubtedly the most influential Internet voice on the subject of Female Led Relationships. “This is a societal dynamic that is still in its infancy but it is starting to become a trend that will continue to grow with each generation.”

But Ms. Sutton’s has not been a leading voice on the subject of “Taking Her Name.” As she explains, “I was once asked why I didn’t require my husband to take my last name. I explained that we decided not to buck that societal tradition out of respect for our parents. But that was over twenty years ago and society has changed a lot since then…”

One online forum that focused on this controversial issue was the old (as in “defunct,” alas) Spouseclub message board, or “Spousechat,” which was active between 2001 to 2003. Ms. Lynda, the board’s most prolific contributor, was a particular advocate of observing all patriarchal conventions in reverse, but she was by no means the only true believer on the topic, as you will see. There follows a “Taking Her Name” sampling (also available on this blog’s Spousechat Archive) in roughly chronological order:

MAL
As you know there is a small but increasing number of men who legally take their wife's name when they marry, which I hope will become a topic of discussion in this group. It seems to me that a man taking his wife's last name is the ultimate expression of spousehood.

PAUL
Today a man who takes his wife's name can do so with pride and respect for his wife's status and accomplishments. As stated, a man who takes his wife's name pays tribute to women’s hard-fought and well-deserved current status, when he says he is honored to be known by his wife's last name. I find the large number of men taking their wives names today to be a very encouraging sign of the acceptance of the coming more matriarchal society.

JON JAMES
In taking her last name, I acknowledged my wife’s leadership. I hope more men will consider taking their wife's last name as their own. This is most important when a wife has an important career. Why should she give up her identity? Let her celebrate her accomplishments. By taking her name, I can celebrate them also.

MR. BARBARA
At the age of 28, I got married last year to a woman who is 5 years older than I am and, as the IT Manager she earns twice more than I do. I know nothing about matriarchisism, but it was an obvious choice that I should be the one who will gladly take her name as my own. After I legally changed my previous name and put her maiden name in all my documents, we both thought that we did a good thing and she is very proud of me.

MICHAEL BRADSHAW
My fiance and will be married in 4 months. She proposed to me. She is a very high powered partner in a large law firm. I have a Liberal arts degree. Needless to say she does and always will make more money than I will ever do… I read in a post here about the husband taking the wife’s name. Now that I think about it, it would be silly for her to change to my name - what for? Her name is a whole lot more relevant. I will discuss it with her. I would be proud to have her name.
Update:
We also talked about the name issue. She was going to keep her name regardless anyway so it’s up to me if I want to take her name. I feel that taking her name is a clear indication of our new roles and is a way that I can express to her and the world that she is the head of our household. I t am not sure how to do it legally, but I would be Mr (her first name) (her last name).

ARTEMIS
Take your wife's name and become Mr. (her first name) (her last name). In this way, you can tell society that your family is a female-centered household. If she is the head of your household, should you not be proud to announce it? Why should she give up her identity? Let her celebrate her accomplishments. The large number of men taking their wives names today is a very encouraging sign of the acceptance of the coming more matriarchal society.

LARS
In Sweden, where it is very common for the man to take the wife's name and where there is a growing number of househusbands, the groom is often presented to the bride. In a civil ceremony I attended, the groom was bound to the bride with a white cloth before he recited his vows to her. He promised to "love, honor, and obey"; she was a matriarchist and refused to be bound to him for her vows to him… It is good that you have decided to take your bride's name. I did it because my bachelor name was so difficult to write and say. However, I also wanted to do it because she is the Head of the Household.

FRANCES (WIFE OF LARS)
My husband is as much a man as anyone. He chose to take my name in marriage because I had the career, his name was impossible to pronounce, and, we chose a life where he is subordinate to me. He shows a lot of strength as a househusband and stay at home dad. He had the example of many of his European friends. IT IS HAPPENING. As women get more power, they may head their families; there is no shame in admitting who the head of the house is.

TOM AKA MR. BARBARA
[My wife Barbara] was always so bossy and demanding that I knew what life with her would be like, and, I accepted my role in the relationship. I am strong enough in my masculine abilities that I do not care that I am Mr. Barbara. It is great knowing that there are others. I thank Barbara for being the boss; I could not have done the job she has done. We are a well adjusted family because of her leadership and drive.

JUDITH
I will graduate from college this spring, and, the chances of my getting the higher paying job are great. My offers have already far exceeded what my boyfriend has been offered. My major has always paid more than his; my boyfriend has said he will move where I decide, will be a househusband if needed, and will support my career. I asked him if he would take my last name as his own in marriage. I was surprised. He said, "With honor and pleasure."

ELIZABETH
I and many others of us believe that power in relationships should belong to the female partner. In short we are "matriarchists." We believe that not only individual relationships but the world in general would be a far better place for all of us if women held the reins of power… As such we very much regard the question of "name changing" as a matter of power and gender, and believe that the question of who takes whose last name should be determined by who holds the power in the couple, and we believe that should be the female.

CHRIS
While people thinking matriarchal marriage is relatively new, I know several men who desire this life, and have found it with the women in their lives. In two cases, the women were medical doctors who could not take their husband's name in marriage. The husbands then took their wife's name in marriage. Both stay at home and take care of the house. One is a lawyer. Her husband works for his wife as an investigator. However, he is home in time to prepare and serve meals.
I recently married one very powerful woman; she is the leader in all things… Long live the matriarchy! And yes, I took her name in marriage so that any one might know who is at the center of our household.

ANONYMOUS FIANCÉ
I am getting married this fall, and my future Wife does not want to change Her name. We talked about me getting a new last name that is my name, hyphen, and Her name. But reading a couple of other posts here on the subject, I will ask Her for permission to adopt Her last name. If I, who believe in the matriarchal marriage and family structure, should not spearhead such a tradition, it will never happen.

SUBMALE
I'm a 34-year-old man who's about to get married to the Woman of my dreams. We share the view that She's more fit to have the final word on important decisions in our life. She will be the natural head of the family, and I will do everything I can to support Her in Her career. Thanks to a post earlier about men taking their wives' last names, I've just decided that that's what I want to do: Take Her last name when we marry.

MS. LYNDA
I am glad you are taking your wife's last name in marriage. My boyfriend is doing the same later this summer when we marry. Will you also be Mr. (Her First Name) (Her Family Name) for formal purposes?

MR. LYNDA
I am getting more comfortable with my status in the relationship… I am comfortable taking Lynda's last name… At parties or gatherings, are you ever known as Mr. Lisa? I am comfortable with Ms. and Mr. Lynda BJ as our formal address as I think it opens new ground for a career woman.

CHARLES
As far as names, my name since marriage is Charles (Lisa’s last name). I took it from the beginning. However, I've never used or been called Mr. Lisa (LLN), by anybody. Women have always taken their husbands last name, so I don’t see what the big deal is.

MS. LYNDA
This is the evening I will get married… Both my mother and future mother-in-law are ardent feminists. They have been very supportive of our decisions, including my soon to be husband taking my name and letting our family address be Ms. and Mr. Lynda BJ in the most formal sense… [After the ceremony] his mother said, "I entrust him to you for further training and love. He is a good boy who needs the direction of a strong woman. Let him be your helpmate." It was my time to cry.

CHARLES
Although I took my wife's last name when we got married, I've never been called Mr. Lisa (her last name), but I must admit after seeing the list [posted here recently] (i.e., Mr. Betsy B. English, Mr. Catherine Morecold, Mr. Sarah McCowlick, Mr. Senator Mary Shearman, Mr. Senator Jayne Tocsin, etc.), it does make me wonder. Ms. and Mr. Lisa Smith (not real last name). I must admit there does not seem to be a more true act of open devotion and subordination.

MS. LYNDA
I know that you are Charles most of the time. [But you should always] be Mr. Lisa when being addressed formally. My husband will also keep his masculine name forever. However, I do intend to always address him as Mr. Lynda in public. Someone must begin to set some new standards… The other day, I called my husband Mr. Lynda in front of friends because my mind went blank and I could not remember his male name. (I was very tired; it came back to me within a nanosecond.) He just laughed and said he enjoyed it! I enjoyed it too.
How do you feel being addressed by me as Mr. Lisa? You are still Charles, but, you are also part of the Ms. and Mr. Lisa (Smith) matriarchal clan.

CHARLES
Ms. Lynda, the fact that you addressed me as Mr. Lisa, without first asking me, really says a lot about you. You obviously are decisive and have no problem making decisions for men. You made the decision to call me Mr. Lisa without my input. Even though I do not know you, this little thing made me feel very subordinate to you, in a very positive way. The fact that you call me only by this name is a constant reminder to me of my place. Thank you.

MS. LYNDA
How did last evening go? What did you serve to [Lisa’s real estate] agents for dinner? How did you serve? Does Lisa hire men as well as women? Are you more comfortable around women than men? What would happen if the women agents brought the men they were dating or to whom they were married? I also hope you took one moment to introduce yourself in terms of Ms. Lisa being the head of your family. “Welcome to the home of Ms. and Mr. Lisa Smith.”

CHARLES
Ms. Lynda, I regret to say that I do not have the courage to do that yet. What I did do however, was when I greeted them at the door, I introduced myself only as “Lisa's husband,” not saying my first name. The first woman, Cathy, did not pick up on this, and asked me my name. The second woman, Terri, had a little bit of fun with me. She said, “Nice to meet you Lisa's husband, I'm Terri. So do you have a name of your own or shall I call you ‘Lisa's husband’ all evening?” I replied, half jokingly, “Yes, it's Charles, but I answer to ‘Lisa's husband,’ ‘Hey you with the apron,’ or even ‘Mr. Lisa.’ Terri laughed and said “Well, I see this is going to be fun.”

MS. LYNDA
Dear Mr. Lisa, Thank you for taking the time to answer my questions. I think you did the right thing in your introduction. As I said before, you are still Charles; I just think it is as important to be Mr. Lisa Smith as shamelessly as possible.
Now, Mr. Lisa, I have decided to always ask a man if he enjoys being called Mr. Lisa Smith. Men have expected women to give up their names so easily and for so long. Even if a couple will take the man's name, a man should have the feeling of being called by his wife's first and last name as the family name. I would hope that this would create even more respect for his wife. I think junior and senior high school-aged boys should be required to write the name of their girlfriends like Ms. and Mr. Lauren Tyler.
Give the honor and prestige to Lisa by also being Mr. Lisa Smith. After you have done it, ask yourself: How do I feel giving up my identity? What honor do I give Lisa by proclaiming her leadership in our family?
I was at lunch today with five other women who will be getting married within the next year and a half. Three are keeping their names in marriage. Two are taking the name of their husband. I asked each to ask their boyfriend how he would feel taking her name in marriage. My point is that he may have a greater respect for her and her role in the family if he realizes what she is giving up. I think I am going to make it a mission of mine to encourage young women to ask that questions of their future spouses. I am for freedom for everyone. I just want the matriarchal to stand shamelessly with the patriarchal.
Have you shared with Ms. Lisa about being Ms. and Mr. Lisa Smith?

MR. LISA
Lisa and I have decided that from now on we will be known as Ms. and Mr. Lisa Smith, thanks to you Ms. Lynda. I decided to take this step because I feel I need to do more to further the new matriarchy, and hopefully this will generate questions and comments from women and men. I must admit, it may possibly be a little uncomfortable at first. I am going to the stationery store today to order some stationery (envelopes, address labels) with the name Ms. and Mr. Lisa S., so I guess today will be my first test as to how I will go about this. But anyway, I will let you know how it goes. Lisa's mother (Catherine) shares most of Lisa's viewpoints on this matter, so of course she thought it was a fantastic idea. As a matter of fact, Catherine is a member of a local feminist group, and she has been talking for a long time about having Lisa and me as guest speakers at one of their meetings. I can hear her now introducing us: “Please welcome my daughter and her husband, Ms. and Mr. Lisa S.”

MS. LYNDA
I am so very proud of you for taking the step to become Ms. and Mr. Lisa Smith. And, I feel a special closeness to my sister Lisa. How did yesterday go at the stationery shop? Were you waited on by a male or female clerk?

MR. LISA
The female clerk was quite surprised when I told her the names I wanted on the items I was ordering. When I explained it to her, she thought it was the greatest thing that I was actually taking my wife's name. She told me that I was a really enlightened man and that she wished more men were like me. I think this is typical of the reaction of most women.

ANOTHER MR. HER
I am the husband of a very important woman, and I have become Mr. Her with few problems. It has been great finding other men who have adopted both the wife's first name and last name for the family. I also agree with not using “my wife” as often as we do. Have any of you used “Woman and husband”? We did at our wedding ceremony, and I noticed that Ms. Lynda and her husband did the same.

JON
When we were married over 15 years ago, I took my wife's last name in marriage, but kept my name for professional reasons. In other words, only the closest family members and children knew of our family by my wife's name. At home, I would be Mr. Her, but in public I stayed Mr. Me. But I was so inspired by [many examples of husbands taking their wife’s name] that I took the step and changed my driver's license and other ID to my wife's name. I also told church members, and others that our family would be known as Dr. and Mr. (Her First Name) (Her Last Name) in formal settings. Except for the “That's cool” and “You are too pussywhipped,” no one seems to care. Her mother thinks it is the most wonderful thing since sliced bread. She loves to introduce me to her friends. I even think she has forgotten my first name.

NP757
I sometimes am referred to as Mr. S____, my wife's name. While she chuckles about it, I get a very nice sensation that comes over me. Looking back on our relationship, she has always been the dominant partner. I offer my opinion, and defer to her decision always! I believe that as a male within an FLR everything (big or small) that I can do to overtly place her first does, in fact, create those sensations and ripples that underscore actively sublimating the masculine to female authority. Not as an act of sacrifice or even submission, but rather more of attunement and congruence with what I experience as the more natural relationship.

MR. LOUISE
Mrs. Louise and I were married last year and were fully aware of our roles before we walked down the aisle. I took her name. No, not secretly and not just on paper. We walked into our reception as Ms. and Mr. D. (her name) and I've never looked back.

MS.LYNDA
It was through our discussions that Mr. Lisa decided to become Mr. Lisa in the most formal of ways. We know several men who are doing this. We hope that it becomes more and more. In your group, how many men are known by their wife's last name?

MR. LOUISE
Most are legally, but all are known that way in our personal group.

MODERN DAY AMAZON
Like Ms. Lynda and Ms. Lisa, I make it easy for my husband to submit to me because I do love him. By the way, while it is no big thing, he also took my last name when we married. I tease him about being Ms. and Mr. Amazon Warrior/Woman.

(End of Part 2)

Taking Her Name, Part 1

2010-12-12T08:06:00.000-08:00

There’s an aspect of wife-led marriages that gets scarcely a mention in my books, and not much on this blog either. It has to do with a husband adopting the wife’s surname—either at the altar, legally, or before the world or selected friends, socially.

This practice of rebranding the groom with the bride’s family name just didn’t seem like “mainstream” FLR to me, if you can say that of an already unorthodox lifestyle. But I suspect it is becoming more common among the younger set of female-led couples, especially among college, post-collegiate and young career-makers for whom feminist assumptions and principles have become second nature.

Times are changing, tables are turning. So I decided to revisit the provocative topic, and, as usual, let others do the talking. (In my own case, it wasn’t till the advent of kids that my wife made the legal switch from her family name to mine; had she known then as much about FLRs as she does now, I believe I’d have been the spouse doing the name change.)

*

I’ll start with a wife-worshipping husband dealing forthrightly with what he regards as a non-issue:

“I believe that yes, the man should take the wife’s last name. The argument that the wife’s last name is really her father’s is somewhat true, but if you feel, as I do, that an individual is a person, not just an extension of her parents, than the last name is HERS, not her father’s. In any event, you worship your wife, not her parents.
“Could it be that the argument about names is really an easy way for guys to keep from having to take this public admission that yes, the wife is in charge? There comes a time to Walk the Talk, and we should take on the wife’s name and be proud of it. I would go one step further and use Ms. and Mr. Her Full Name on return labels, stationery, etc. (we do).”

What about the effect on parents and kids? Elise Sutton addresses these issues:

“The feelings of parents and future children should be taken into consideration, but if a couple truly wants to make a major societal statement and is willing to endure a little persecution from the dying patriarchal system, the practice of a man taking his wife’s name could be powerful. The fact that women are beginning to consider this option is further proof of how society is evolving toward female domination.”

Sometimes a leading-wife-to-be needs a little encouragement to add this role-reversal agenda item to the marriage contract, as in this lively exchange from the Spousechat archives (available on this website):

Ms. Gina: “I am new to the female-led relationship but my fiance and I both agree that I am the natural of us two to be in charge. So, please, any ideas to keep my man in his place and still have a loving marriage?”

A male responds: “Rename your husband ‘Mr. Gina.’ Explain to him the powerful message his new name sends throughout the female-led societies."

Ms Gina: “It is my intention is to do just that. We are yet to make it official to our close friends and family, because ‘Mr. Gina’ is reluctant to do so yet.”

Is “Mr. Gina” having a typical fit of male egotism? Or is he understandably worried about his family’s reaction to his giving up the family name in favor of the bride’s last name? How is going to explain this radical and unmanly step to Mom and, especially, Dad?

If only the practice were more common, laments this groom-to-be, it wouldn’t be such a big deal to be known as ‘Mr. Her’:

“Why is it so difficult in our society for a man who decides to change his name upon marriage and adopt his wife's name? The idea of being known as Mr. My Wife's 1st and 2nd Name is thrilling, and it is one of the best acts of devotion and love I could think of, but I wouldn't like to be the first in my circle to do it.”

This familiar plaint is sounded by another husband, faced with a name-changing ultimatum from his take-charge wife. He appeals for a ruling in his favor from no less an authoritarian than Mistress Kathy of the delightful Femdom 101 blog. Because it is both informative and uncompromsing, I'm going to quote it at some length:

Dear Mistress Kathy,
My Mistress wife, who is also the head of the house and makes all decisions, wants me to take her last name, which I have mixed feelings about. I would love to but I am afraid to tell my parents. I am given a month to consider.
My Mistress wife had her 2 daughters in her previous marriage change their names to hers. We are very open to our daughters about our matriarchy household. My Mistress is also 8 months pregnant with my son, whose last name will be hers.
The Females in our house are Goddess and Princess and they know their position. I am also concerned when my son is born, the girls might treat him the way they treat me in future (for being male )
How shall I tell my parents if both their son and grandson's names take my wife's last name? She's my Goddess and I love her very much, and i am all prepared to give her all i have. — Ken

Clearly he is expecting sympathy from Mistress Kathy, but he is about to be let down… and none too gently. Mistress Kathy answers:

[Ken} To me your situation is very simple. Your future wife is the lady who is to be your mistress. She is the lady who will own you. Your duty is to her.
There are only two ways to start the conversation with your parents.
1. We have decided that …
2. My wife has decided that...
As far as anything else, you need to trust in your wife's judgment.
The only words you need to have with her should sound something like “As you wish, mistress.”
Yes, if I were getting married today to a submissive husband, who expected me to dominate him, he would take my last name. He would also, in front of his family and friends, take a vow of obedience.
I would expect my guy to be a man about his submissive nature, and to some extent be open about our lifestyle. No one ever said that being the submissive partner in a marriage was easy. That is a part of why discipline is important.
Remember to be a good boy for your lady, and do what she tells you.

Elsewhere Kathy writes that her hope is for a “world where a man is free to take his wife's name in marriage, and no one would think anything of it.”

“As more Women begin to realize that they're actually running the show,” comments one man who took his wife’s name, “I don't know why they wouldn't want the pride and underlying power that goes along with having a family (and subsequent generations) named after themselves.”

“Personally,” writes a dominant female, “I think it would be the ultimate honor for any man to take his Wife's name, instead of keeping their own. It is way past time to break the molds that society has thrust upon us all, and this is one way to do this.”

Whether it is the superior sex demanding the male take her name, or the male on his knees begging to be allowed the honor of taking her name, it is clear that the practice is going to be occurring more and more—publicly, legally, formally.

Informally, hubbie-rebranding is already rampant , judging by the postings on FLR message boards:

“When ‘Mr. Laurie’ and I got married,” writes one leading wife, “we had a semi-private ceremony right before we left for our honeymoon in the presence of two of my closest friends. I had taken off my wedding dress for the ceremony we had performed for everyone else and now we had the ‘real’ ceremony, in which I promised to love and protect ‘Mr. Laurie’ and keep him as long as he shall remain a dutiful and obedient husband. ‘Mr. Laurie’ in turn then promised to remain loyal and obedient to my wishes and promised to perform in the manner of a dutiful husband who would support and obey me in all things. I have been on top ever since. We are happily ever after, Ms. and Mr. Laurie.”

“My name is jake, but I am known as ‘mr. Jeanna.’ My fiancee and female leader (Jeanna) likes it when I acknowledge her in my life and in my posts. I am a submissive male in a committed relationship.”

There are even discussions of proper couples protocol :

“When a female led couple is introduced formally, or even casually how are they introduced? I am single but hope to marry one day and I want to know how would I introduce m” asks one fiancée. “In olden days it was always Mr. and Mrs. John Doe, how would you be introduced to a group, or how would you introduce yourselves to others?”

“I am called Ms. Rebecca and my husband also is tied to my name as were women of old,” a female responds: “In the privacy of the home or with our personal friends, I am ‘Ms. Becky,’ my husband is ‘Mr. Becky.’ We often refer to ourselves as ‘Ms. and Mr. Becky’ or my husband will be called ‘Mr. Becky Brown’ (my last name). What is important is that the husband be identified by his wife’s name.”

Which elicits an amen from this wannabe ‘Mr. Her’: “I'd love for us to be introduced as 'Ms. and Mr. Samantha Smith.' Sure, people will talk and wonder what's going on, but who cares?”

More and more submissive men, it seems, are learning to be take pride in ownership, or rather pride in being owned: “With regards to a male taking his Wife's name, that is a show of the utmost respect. It is him telling the world, that ‘Yes, I am submissive to my Wife and I did take Her name and I am damn proud of that fact.’”

My onetime mentor in wife-worship, Au876, expressed a certain regret that he missed out on this recent societal trend among openly matriarchal couples: “We never gave a thought about my taking her name. Of course, at the time I was the King of the castle. It just never came up. A few times in the past few years my Wife has said she wished she had kept her name and I had changed mine. I honestly believe if we were getting married all over again and the relationship was as it now is, she would keep her name and have me change mine. I would not have any problems doing that.”

Among the increasing number of female supremacists, however, there is no hesitation on this issue, no compromise with patriarchal conventions. A typical example is this 24-year-old grad student in this email to Elise Sutton:

“My husband is completely submissive to me… We had a very small but beautiful wedding, during which he promised to love, honor, and obey me, and to place my desires and goals above his. At the end, we were pronounced ‘Woman and husband.’ Shortly after we became engaged, I had him legally change his last name to mine.
“It was easy for him because he's long been estranged from his family, but I would have required it nonetheless. As a dominant woman, it's important to me that my husband and future children have my name. I only wish more women my age felt this way.
“To those men who might be hesitating, I would say: Make a total commitment to your wife… You say you belong to her? Prove it! Prove to her that she is more important than anyone else in the world. You can do so by taking her name.”

For a final word on the topic (at least for this installment, here in part is Elise’s response:

“Does the woman want to make a declaration to society about her female supremacy beliefs by having her husband take her last name? If so, she should be applauded and respected for practicing what she believes. She also must be willing to accept the negative that goes along with it. The husband will experience many uncomfortable moments from male peers and co-workers when they find out he has taken his wife's name. If the wife demands he make that sacrifice for the honor to be married to her, he can choose between marrying a female supremacist and all that goes with it or he can go in a different direction. I agree with you that more and more men, if given this choice, will choose to submit to the desires of the female regardless of any fallout caused by bucking societal traditions. I also agree that lots of men will find such a request to be exciting and it will cause them to go even deeper into submission to their bride.”

Nowhere in the FLR online literature have I come across more in-depth discussions of “taking her name” than in the old Spousechat message board. This FLR discussions site is long gone, as I have mentioned, but I will offer some lively comments from the archives available on this site.

(End Part One)

Au876: A Husband’s Place Is in the Kitchen

2010-10-12T11:05:00.000-07:00

(Editor’s Note: Two earlier collections of wife-worship postings from “Au876” stirred things up a bit here. What follows will probably be less provocative, but focuses on an often-overlooked aspect of wife worship—namely, the husband gradually taking over meal planning, cooking and serving, not just dish-washing afterward. As you will see, Au was a strong proponent of this, as much as surrendering financial control. All these excerpts were from Lady Misato’s original Yahoo! Husbands’ forum, which is no longer extant; her current husbands’ forum, however, is available on Facebook. — Mark Remond).

Au876: A Husband’s Place Is in the Kitchen

Without being a wimp (and again I think it takes a real man to serve his wife), I would suggest you proceed to serve your wife in every possible way. If you don't already, learn to cook. You will be surprised how quickly your wife will let you take on that chore. Wash the dishes, clean the kitchen after each meal.

If you are not cooking, learn how NOW. Plan the menu, buy the food, set the
table, cook the meal, clean the dishes.

Meal Prep 101

Nowadays my wife tells me what her schedule is every Sunday for the upcoming week (as far as she knows). I then know to have her dinner ready (I do all the cooking) to fit her schedule. After we eat, I wash the dishes and clean the kitchen. She also posts her schedule on our kitchen calendar so I won't forget. I don't remember what it was like when she cooked or did anything in the kitchen or around the house.

The Rewards of Cooking

Cooking is a major job and a major source of self-confidence. It makes you feel good about yourself when you can put a decent meal on the table for her. I would highly recommend you make this a goal. She will have to help you, teach you and supervise you to begin with. Tell her you want to learn how to cook and you want her to teach you. Listen, watch and learn from her. Help her at every meal as you slowly begin to take over while she watches. Don't be fancy or scared to fail. You can always call for takeout.

Last night after dinner (which I cooked), my wife told me I needed to make a dish for her to take to work today. Her office was having some kind of celebration for lunch. So I did that while she watched some TV. This afternoon she brought the dish back (dirty but empty) and said everyone told her how good it was. Several of the ladies wanted me to send them the recipe. That made me feel good. I love it when someone likes my cooking.

There is no doubt in my mind that preparing and serving all the meals is one of the best ways for me to show my Wife my appreciation and worship of her. Of course I don't have any say in the matter but even if she told me I didn't have to prepare the meals I would do so anyway.

My wife just happens to think a man is better suited to keeping house and she certainly doesn't like to cook (though she is an excellent cook).

Recipe-Swapping Hubbies

…That was a great idea. I made a copy of the recipe and will be trying it. I have been doing all the cooking for several years now. I will try to pass along some things I use but they are all very basic. Thanks a lot. The best way to please a woman is to cook her good meals. Or at least one of the best ways.

…To give you an idea of how stupid I am, I don't even know what falafel is. I am always so scared of messing up and not having a good dinner for my wife. She encourages me to branch out. Now and then she even leaves a recipe out for me to try. I keep a couple of frozen pizzas in the freezer as a backup. I do look forward to trying the fettucine, probably next week.

..Thanks, I make a pretty mean meat loaf. In fact I have several I make and my wife likes them all. Don't get me wrong. My wife says I am a good cook. It’s just that I am always uncertain of how things will turn out. When I started cooking several years ago, my wife was my teacher. She started by having me help her prepare dishes and explaining what she was doing. We progressed to her supervising while I prepared the various dishes. It wasn't long before she just sat in the den while I cooked and she was available for questions and etc. Finally she said it was time for me to be on my own. This meant I had to plan the meal, shop for the groceries and have dinner on the table for her according to whatever schedule she was on.

She still gives me hints now and then and is always willing to answer my questions. I guess for the last three or four years I have done all the cooking to include even fixing her lunch when we are here doing the day. She gets involved some when we have company. She wants to know what my menu is or she may give me a menu to have or just make adjustments to the one I have. Then she tells me to call on her if I need help. I pride myself on not having to call on her because we when we all sit down to eat, I want her to brag on me and say I didn't need any help. That is just the male ego in me I guess. Still, sometimes I have to call on her.

His Favorite Cookbook

…It sounds to me like you are on the way too. You have some great insight on how to proceed. I need to start trying more dishes myself. For awhile I was trying a new dish every week or so but then slacked off. You are right about the book, The Joy of Cooking. My wife gave me the book a few years back. It is now well read, marked and re-read. I need to get that book on manners.

I strongly endorse the book The Joy of Cooking also. My wife gave it to me several years ago. It tells you everything about everything and I use it all the time. Just to make sure I know what is in it, I read it from cover to cover twice. Not deep reading, just revie- type reading to know its contents.

Just a hint as you are using the book. Make notes beside whatever you tried. Did she like it or not? Would she have preferred more of this or that added or taken out? Did she eat seconds? Always watch her reaction to what you serve and try to improve upon it next time. The notes will be a big help.

Christmas Cooking (& Other Holiday Chores)

My wife goes through the Christmas card list. She makes a notation by any name she wants to include a personal note with. I get the cards ready and take care of the rest (expect the personal notes). I always do all the cooking and cleaning up. However, I am not good not nearly as good at baking as she is. She has a special pie and cake she bakes herself. I will bake cookies for a cookie swap she goes to and will try to bake some other things she wants. But I won't bake anything unless she is close by to help me if needed. We still do a stocking for each other. Last year my wife put all kinds of pedicure items in my stocking. I didn't have to buy anything for months. I have mentioned twice recently what a good stocking I got last year. (hint, hint). I had all kinds of makeup items she uses in hers.

Out of the Kitchen and the Closet

I will recount as best I can how the soup recipe thing happened. There were three of us couples at the table eating. The hostess served the soup first. My wife and the other lady (let’s call her Jane) both commented on how good it was. Jane said she would like to get the recipe. The hostess said sure, I will give it to you after we eat. After the meal we were still sitting at the table talking. Mostly the women were talking (that is not rare, is it?). Jane got up, got paper and pen from her purse and said ,"Let me get that recipe now before I forget it.” The hostess started to give it to her. My wife interrupted. "Au, don't you think you ought to get that too so you can fix it for me?” She told the hostess to wait a second. Then she told me to bring her purse to her. I did. She got some paper and a pen out, handed it to me, turned to the hostess and said "OK, Au is ready to write it down."

The hostess gave the recipe from memory as Jane and I wrote it down. The hostess said, "It is really good served with ham and cheese rolls.” My wife turned to me and said, “You can serve it with those good party rolls you made for me to take to work,” Jane said, “Au, I am impressed. You made stuff for (wife) to take to work?” I admit I was feeling a bit shy at this point. So I replied in a somewhat kidding way to Jane, “Heck, I do everything, isn't that what husbands are suppose to do?” Jane said, “Why, heck yes.” The hostess turned to her husband and said, “You could learn a lot from Au.”
My wife then said, “He's a good cook,” then led the conservation in a different direction. That is all that was said. However, when we were all standing at the door about to depart their house, my wife asked me, “Do you know where you put the soup recipe?”
“Yes, it is in my billfold.”
“Well, you won't have a hard time finding it there.” That was a joke the others didn't catch because she knows full well there is little to nothing else there. I never got the feeling anyone felt awkward. I was starting to feel that way just a tad but there is no way I would ever challenge my wife or argue with her in public. It was just natural for me to do as she said. And she is the one who changed the conservation to another topic.
Sunday night my wife had an old girlfriend over for dinner. She "suggested" I cook one of her favorite chicken dishes. Her friend got here about 4 p.m. We talked a few minutes and then I put out some cheese, snacks and wine for us. I was about to join them when my wife spoke up and said she would like to eat by 7 p.m. It takes me about 2 hours to prepare this certain dish so I excused myself and retired to the kitchen. I checked back with them several times to see if they needed anything. I could hear them laughing and talking as I peeled veggies, cleaned chicken, prepared some side dishes, set the table and all that stuff. At almost exactly 7 p.m. I was ready. I had prepared their drinks, served their plates and lighted some candles on a centerpiece. The table looked great! When I went to the den to tell them dinner was ready my wife glanced down at her watch. I knew I had pleased her by being on time. I ate with them and everyone enjoyed the meal. After we finished our dessert, my wife said she would clean up if I wanted her to. Her friend joined in, saying she would help, too. I knew my wife did not mean that. She hasn't washed a dish in years. I told her no, she didn't need to help me, I enjoyed cleaning up. I cleared the table and cleaned up while they sat there and talked some more.
My wife was very proud of me. She bragged to her friend how I did everything around the house now and did it better than she could. Her friend has been divorced twice. She said if she could find a man like me she would never divorce him and then she teased my wife saying she had better be careful or someone would take me away from her.

Final Thoughts

I feel I am very lucky that my wife has taken control of me and demands I serve her and wait on her. It excites me to cook her meals. It excites me to wash her clothes, iron them, fold them and put them away for her. She seems to have the ability to keep me horny and longing for her all the time. This makes me want to literally jump at her commands. Sometimes when she punishes me it makes me feel like a little kid. I know I can refuse the punishment but being scared shows me the raw power she has over me and I’d do almost anything to prove to her I will do what she demands.
I mean I get sexually turned on when she scolds me, punishes me just like I do when I am slaving away to serve her in some fashion. I try to come up with new ways to show my devotion and submission all the time. But the strange thing is I do not feel unmanly in the least. I guess I truly believe the proper place for a man is to be submissive to his wife or partner and serve her in all possible ways.
I feel real good about myself. I simply love taking care of my wife and doing all I can to please and tend to her. It seems so natural.

###

Guest Post: Wife Worship & Female Superiority, Part 2

2010-09-24T10:38:00.000-07:00

(Continuing the two-part guest post from “Beckie,” who describes, in a series of emails to me, her leading role as a wife in an FLR.—Mark Remond)

Guest Post: Wife Worship & Female Superiority, Part 2, by Beckie

Mark,

Thank you for this post [“Au876 on Financial Control, Part 1"]. It has given me refreshing thoughts. I referred this post to a couple of my friends to read and consider implementing some of the ideas.

I agree that financial control for the wife is the most important part of the marriage and solidifies her (my) control. This was hard for me to manage at first, but now I would not have it any other way.

I opened my own checking account a few years ago when I went back to work after having our last child. After reading this I thought it a good idea to close our joint account my husband pays bills out of. I talked with him and told him I would like for him to deposit his paycheck into my private account. I will start to pay all the bills and he will not see anything of his paycheck. He has a debit card he uses when he wants to get something for himself; he will no longer have access to that. He had questions and doubts, but I told him the decision is final and permanent.

After that conversation, my stomach was churning, maybe with some fear, but mostly with excitement. Total financial control over your husband is many times more powerful than control over everything else. I walked away with a real high, like on drugs.

I will not be giving him any allowance like others do. He has a blue-collar job, and brown bags it every day, so he doesn't need money for lunches. He is to have $10 in his wallet if anything comes up, and needs to tell me when it does so I can replenish it. If he needs to buy anything for the house or yard, he is to ask for my debit card. I am sure I will have to make minor adjustments to this as they come up.
Of course he wasn't happy when I told him of this. But afterward he said his happiness isn't important, his only happiness is to see me happy. Which I am. When done, I told his to return to his chores. It gives me “butterflies” in my belly when I tell him that.

—Beckie

Mark,

Thank you for your response. And thank for sharing this with your wife. I felt uncomfortable sending it to a man, but most female led relationship blogs by women are too much kink, dominant, male hating, and I don't want to be involved in that.
My story is “perfect-world”-based, of course. Are our boys always obedient and worshipful? Yeaaaa...right! As they say, life happens. They need to be reminded who they are. The way our daughters and I act sometimes, my husband and son must wonder sometimes what is so superior about females. Female superiority is natural, but we have a lot to learn about it.

Women are advancing in the workplace in pay and promotions. But most wives would still prefer not to have to work. I work part-time a few hours a week mostly for the interaction of the people there. My husband earns enough that I don't have to work. Would your wife prefer to not have to work full-time? I would encourage you to get a part-time job weekends so she could “kick up her feet” and do more for herself. Unfortunately in our economy today, too many wives have to work, though many find their jobs fulfilling.

I know how your wife feels with an egalitarian nature. A wife who understands female superiority means realizing your husband is inferior, and women have a hard time thinking of their husbands in a negative term like inferior. But the facts I laid out for you in my story give no other option. Once your wife sees herself as superior, that will allow her to accept your worship. Most husbands today understand, even if subconsciously, that they are inferior to their wives.

You say my husband is a lucky man. He has to obey even when he disagrees. He comes home from a hard day’s work (where they don't have A/C!) and, after taking a shower, starts supper, cleans after supper and does other chores. He is no longer allowed to watch TV (takes his focus away from focusing on my desires, and takes too long to get it back), has to be in bed by 10 p.m. (works 6:30 a.m. – 3 p.m.). After working all week, never sees or has access to any of the money he earns. He has accepted all this to worship me. He admits lucky is the last thing he is. He does it for me. I am the lucky one.

I can enjoy myself doing something I love and come home to a hot-cooked meal. The guys wait till us girls start to eat and they take what is left over. I have the evening to enjoy with the kids, watch something on TV, or go out with some girlfriends and come home late and not have to explain anything to him. I can sleep late and wake up to fresh coffee, he has to put on another pot when he leaves for work. I can spend money on whatever I want (within my budget). He occasionally has to work a Saturday. That allows me to buy something special that I show him so he knows what his overtime bought me; he specifically requested I do this. I don't want to discuss our sex life, but I pursue it when I want it, not him. And I am worshiped. “Lucky” is not the same at all as “worshiped.” No, I don't consider men in an FLR to be lucky. To be a woman knowing she is superior is special.

You have a good site, but you need to have female perspectives of what it is like to be worshiped.

—Beckie

Mark,

Yes, you may use my (real-life) story for your post, as long as you change the ages a little, and any other personal information I may have in there. And feel free to share with your wife, this is more important for all women to understand.

[You write] "...this is not an intellectual exercise, or a game, but real life." Most of what is on the Internet is not real life. Many (most) of the commenters on your site I am sure are not real. I wonder how many who talk about their wives are actually married. You are right, this is real life. I was encouraged to start a blog about us, but I really don't have any interest. I would run out of things to write about after a week.

When I talked about all my husband has to obey and do, I need to clarify a few things. I do some of the housework, the things I find more pleasing. I cook dinner 2-3 times a week, certain foods I am great at, and he is great at other meals. I also clean our bedroom (since he works early) and run the sweeper; he does the rest. As for the 10 p.m. bedtime, he has to get up early for work so he always went to bed around then. I just made the 10 p.m. a rule so he has to make sure his chores are done by then.

—Beckie

Mark,

I can understand how you have a hard time with being consistent, you were raised in a society where women were considered equal to men and were expected to share or do more of the chores than their husbands. I don't think you have accepted female superiority as a fact yet, though you want to. If you did and truly worshiped your wife, you would have no problem after you came home from work and started in on dinner and your chores. You need to set a good example for your children, and your wife will quickly accept her role to be worshiped.

In the past, men were always required to work 12 hours a day in hard labor 6 days a week. Farmers worked in their fields and barns from early morning till late at night 7 days a week to provide for their wives and children. You have the comfort of your wife's home to continue your work before you need to go to bed. Why are men in our society reluctant to do their job?
—Beckie

Mark,

Hopefully, this will get people to understand and accept female superiority as a fact of life. One point I would like to add. The last few years, women have been striving for equality in all things. We are not equal, we are superior. There are a few roles in life women should not be permitted to be involved in. These would be safety forces (police and fire) and military combat. It is the role of men to always protect women. In dangerous situations, men will put others at risk to protect a woman. In history men always went to war to protect women. World War I was the last war where they tried to protect civilian death. In the Civil War, over 500,000 men died and only 50 women. These 50 women who died were too many; it would have been acceptable if thousands more men died if it meant the 50 women didn't have to. Women should at any and all costs be protected from harm.

I understand this is a hard saying, especially in today's culture. But go back to our grandfathers, the “greatest generation,” and WWII. Ask those men the same question. Ask the men who survived the Civil War if it would have been acceptable for them to die if it meant women could have been saved. Ask those men on the Titanic who encouraged women to enter the lifeboats, knowing the kind of death that awaited them in the icy waters. Men understood the importance of women and protecting them at the cost of their own lives. A century ago, men understood and followed term "women and children first."

In the military, men have been trained and are willing to suffer painful death to protect all females. The military teaches men how to honor and respect women. Since the end of the draft in the early 70's, males show little respect and honor; men used to open doors for us, and used to stand when a superior female entered a room. You never see that anymore. I may be a pacifist and against war, but I believe the draft should be reinstated and all males from age 18 serve 4 years in the military.

--Beckie

(End Part Two)
*

Guest Post: Wife Worship & Female Superiority, Part 1

2010-09-21T14:34:00.000-07:00

(I am honored to present this blog’s first-ever guest posting from “Beckie,” a wife in an FLR who has commented here in the past. The following two-part post is taken from several emails she sent me. I found her rationale for wife worship and female superiority that she presented in these emails so original, so well articulated and persuasive, that I asked her if she would consider allowing me to share her ideas with my readers, female and male. To my delight, she agreed, as long as a few personal identifiers were altered. Having done that, I am able to offer Beckie’s words verbatim. I hope you will enjoy her thoughts and benefit from them, as I have.—Mark Remond)

Wife Worship and Female Superiority by Beckie, Part 1

Mark,

Thank you for hosting this site on wife worship. Being worshiped is not something I, nor any normal female, would want or desire. It is a male fantasy. But I learned something along the way.

I have a wonderful husband and marriage. He is not what I would consider submissive. He has always been the head of our home. We made joint decisions, but he was my protector. I was a stay-at-home-mom for many years. I did all the chores around the home. What I liked about him was he always wanted to help clean the dishes with me—some together time. He wanted to help with the laundry or cleaning at times because the children kept me busy during the day, and he thought I needed to kick up my feet in the evening even though he worked hard all day, too. He often brought me little gifts to time to surprise me.

He told me a couple of times he just enjoyed worshiping me and wanted to continue to court me like when we dated. I loved his devotion, but WORSHIP ME? I was not better than he, I was his equal. I was not worthy of his worship!

From the time we were married, we believed in equality, making joint decisions. Often when we were not in agreement, we would argue. I always wondered how equality is supposed to work when two people disagree. But after arguing, almost without fail, any time I thought a different way, he would go along with what I thought. I began to realize even though he was the head of the family, I was the one really making all the decisions. I considered telling him that I would make decisions from then on, but I was afraid of damaging our relationship and that he would be upset or hurt. Or never ask me my opinion again. The thought that I would make him OBEY ME was never thought of.

I never wanted to call myself a feminist, but I did believe women were to be equal to men in everything. They should have equal pay, girls should have equal opportunities in school, women should be equal in politics and government, etc.

But a strange thing has been happening. We are no longer equal.

* A WSJ article recently showed younger women are now paid MORE than their male peers.

* Girls are exceeding boys in school. Almost 90% of valedictorians are girls, a majority of students in spelling bees are girls, college students are now almost 60% female and growing.

* Recently another U.S. Supreme Court member was added, making three females. Since this is a lifetime post, we have to wait till other male members quit or die, but I am sure in time it will be a majority (if not 100%) female. More women are being elected to office every year.

Women are only wanting equality with what men have always had. What is that strange thing I mentioned? Whenever we rise up and become equal, we always continue past equality! These facts, and many more, prove we are not equal to men. Females are superior in every aspect of our lives.

* Females are superior physically. We have a much more complex body. We have a complex reproductive system. We live longer than men. We are physically much more attractive, so that men desire us, court us, and seek us.

* Females are much more complex emotionally.

* Females are much more advanced intellectually and have more intuition (understanding without apparent effort, a keen and quick insight).

* Females are far better at relationships. They can express themselves to their friends, they can have several friends, male and female. Males have a hard time making friends and can never share their feelings.

Women are still thinking they need to be equal, and that being superior to men is wrong. But as I related in our marriage, equality is impossible. One side will eventually become superior and the other inferior.

But what woman wouldn’t want to have a marriage where what she said was final, where her husband would obey her and desire her? What wife wouldn’t want a home where the housework, cleaning, laundry, washing dishes, scrubbing the bathroom, were her husband’s job, where she would be free to pursue more fulfilling interests? How many would enjoy those more fulfilling pursuits during the day while he is at work earning money for her to enjoy? What wife wouldn’t love to have control of his paycheck and manage all the finances? What female wouldn’t love to be worshiped as a goddess?

Most women can’t see far enough that they are superior. They have had to submit to men through all history, and they can only hope for equality. Men have had the upper hand even though they are inferior and they know it, they instinctively prevented women from being equal because men know that women’s superiority would then overtake all aspects of their life. If men only could understand that female superiority would be the ideal for them. Men are created for worship. Women are created to receive worship.

As your site shows, there are many men who desire to worship women. Most men worship women in one way or another without necessarily using the term. But how many women say they want to worship a man? None that I know. In order for females to be worshiped, they naturally have to be superior to men. If we are to be worshiped, are we not goddesses? Who would ever call a man a “god”? That would be blasphemous.

I believe our society is moving quickly now to female superiority in all areas. Yes, all females are superior; they are born that way, it is not something they learn—though we need to learn that we are superior. Few women understand that. Just as the church teaches that we are born sinful because man and woman sinned in the Garden of Eden, this is something we find hard to comprehend. It is hard for women to understand how we are born superior, it is just in our nature. Men understand that much better.

But not all females are to be worshiped. This is for marriage. The husband is to “love, worship, and obey” his wife. Her protection, her well-being, her desires, her pleasure, and her comfort are his primary concerns, and he would, if called upon to do so, lay down his life for her.

So where are we at today? A few years ago, my husband and I sat down and I told him if I was going to make the decisions, I demanded he obey me without question. Do I make mistakes? More than I wish. But my husband takes the blame for them and the punishment; this is his worship of his goddess!

Housework: He does almost all of it. It is his job, to be expected of him. I do not micromanage him, or stand over him telling him what to do. He knows his chores and does them well. I offered to help with some, but he told me I didn’t need to bother with mundane housework when I should be pursuing more fulfilling things. I work part time 3 days a week and enjoy my work and the people I work with. I work with a community theater 1-2 times a week, I was in theater a lot in college and it’s good to be involved again. I am with the kids in the evening helping with homework. Once in a while I will take our girls out to the mall or someplace while my husband and son do the dishes and other chores.

Finances: With my part-time job, I opened my private checking account. Since then I wondered why I needed two accounts, and recently decided to close our joint checking account. My husband now deposits his paycheck into my account. He is to keep $10 on him at all times and let me know if he spends any so I can give him more. He gets no allowance. After closing the one account I have started paying bills and managing all finances. We use MS Money so he still doesn’t have access to any money himself.

Children: We have 2 daughters 16 and 11, and a son 14. Any expression of wife worship is hidden from them. But as a family we do show female superiority. My husband and son both open doors for us, and both stand whenever my daughters or I enter a room and remain till we are seated. The same holds for dinner; they stand till we are seated and allow us to fill our plates and start eating before they fill their plates. Our son helps his father clean the table and dries the dishes. A few months ago, they discussed if our son would want to do something special for his sisters to show his awareness of their female superiority. He chose to make their beds and straighten their rooms every morning. The girls are not allowed to tell him what to do, but may ask him politely to do something or get her something; he is not required to obey but he takes their requests as an order and still obeys. His father has been a good mentor.

I know this has been a long letter. But I felt the need to write it out and tell someone, it has been building up in me. Every family is different with different ways to do things. Everything here sounds like we have it down perfect, but we have problems and daily issues come up to deal with. But female superiority is only natural and is showing up more every day. Someday it will be accepted by everyone.

—Beckie

(End Part One; to be continued...)

Au876 on Financial Control, Part 2

2010-09-09T14:10:00.000-07:00

(Continuing with a “best of” compilation from a wife-led husband who, at the turn of this century, was the mainstay of Lady Misato’s original Yahoo! Husbands’ forum. This two-parter focuses in on what Au sees as the advantages, and disadvantages, of a husband surrendering all financial control to his wife. I must say, reading these diary-type admissions came as a shock to me all those years ago. Here was a husband for whom wife-worship, or a wife-led marriage, was no fantasy, but daily reality. It was not a matter of surrendering physical control to some fantasy domina for an hour, but total control over all aspects of his daily life to the woman he loved, honored, worshipped and obeyed.)

Au876 on Financial Control, Part 2:

Did He Give Up Control, or Did She Simply Take It?

In our relationship I never have any thoughts now about what control I will give her or not. I can't recall that I ever did. She took control and I learned that submitting to her was pleasurable, rewarding and fulfilled me as a man.

A few of us have posted saying we draw the line at financial control. My wife did not give me that choice. She took financial control, she did not ask for it. However, if she controls you and you control the money, then that means she has simply delegated this to you. The wife should take control, control of all matters and the husband should obey her in all matters. She then decides what non-supervised responsibilities he is capable of and can handle as well as responsibilities that require supervision. And she gives them to him at her pleasure. All issues of control are for the woman to decide and the man to accept. We have to remember all this is about doing what our wife wants, not what we want. If she wants you to handle the finances, then that is a duty you owe her.

And you are right about the financial control. No, she didn't use physical force. I always have a choice. But if I choose against her will, it means no sexual release for six months. I have resisted twice and suffered through that. I did not resist her financial control. She is much more capable than I am and we are much better off with her in control. I understand what you are alluding too and all relationships will be different. However in my opinion it is the Wife who decides what the path for the husband will be. He can't "top from the bottom". We can discuss it, wonder about it, and use our intellect to create but in the end it is the Wife who lays down the path for the husband to follow.

Power of Attorney

You may want to consider a power of attorney. All couples should have one each for the other anyway. Both of us have signed one. I have a complete power of attorney to act in all matters on behalf of my wife. She has the same from me. We keep them in a safety deposit box. Should she become disabled, I can act on her behalf, and, of course, the same is true in reverse.
Yes, I could get the power of attorney and do as I pleased even while she is in good health. But I never would touch it without her permission or unless she became disabled. If I did, it would be the last thing I did as a married man. But it protects both of us should the need arise.

As between you and your wife, I do suggest you execute a power of attorney in her favor over all of your affairs. This gives her absolute and complete control. She can use it as she sees fit and never needs your permission for anything she wants to do. You should also be getting everything into her name alone. But before doing so, you may want to check with an attorney to make sure (depending on your assets) that you don't lose your estate exception in the event of your death because you don't have anything in your estate. That can be worked out, especially if your wife has power of attorney over any assets in your name.

Who Pays?

If we go to a fast food place, she studies the menu overhead a second, tells me what she wants, hands me money (usually a ten or twenty) and goes to take a seat. I order, get the food and bring to her. I give her the change. Sometimes she tells me to keep it or at least a portion of it. Like if she gave me a twenty and the meal was seven dollars or so, she may just take the ten and let me have the rest.
When we go to any type sit-down-and-order place to eat, we almost always pay by credit card. I take the check, look it over, add on the tip and give it to my wife who signs and gives it back to me.

As for ordering, I take my cue from her. We study the menu together. The waiter/waitress of course always asks for her order first. She gives her order. Sometimes she goes ahead and orders for me with no comment. Sometimes she asks me if I want her to order for me. I have never dared say no in front of the waiter.
Sometimes she places her order and stops. The waiter turns to me and I place my order. About half the time when I do this she will say something like, “I don't think you will like that, why don't you try so and so?” If she says that, I try what she suggests because I know she wants to sample it. If we are having wine, she always orders that.
We have been doing it this way for years. Any time we eat out, it is a pleasure for me, no cooking, no cleaning up and etc. I just take my cue from her and go with it. If we are in a real fancy upbeat place, especially if it is French or something, she always orders for both of us after we have looked over the menu together. I have a hard time even understanding some of the menu items and am grateful she does this. She knows what I like.
All this seems very normal to me. I am certainly comfortable with it. The main thing for me is to do what she wants and be a gentleman about it.

Advice and Encouragement

Until you get married, it is my opinion you should not give your girlfriend control of your finances. It is ok, even good, for her to be made fully aware of them and even to approve or disapprove of expenditures. You can heed her advice or not. But if you want to do it, then do it. If she is after your money, she will get it and dispose of you soon enough. Be prepared for that. It could really hurt. For now maybe it is best that you let her teach and guide you in financial matters. Try your best to abide by her advice and wishes. Learn from her. When you get married give yourself and all you have to her control. Once you get married it (in my opinion) changes. If she wants control of the finances, she should have it. I have never regretted (well not true) my wife having absolute financial control. It gives her a tremendous amount of power over me but I trust her and I respect the power she has. I would not want it any other way. If she takes over, I hope it is something you really want. Believe me, it will give her control that you may at times wish she didn't have and it will put you at her mercy more than you know. But, overall, I firmly recommend it.
Do you have plans to turn over financial control to her? Looks like all the other husbands here still have some if not all control in this area except for me. However, I strongly agree with all the comments that say you should handle them as your wife wants to, not as you want to.

Surrendering Too Much, Going Too Far?

All my money goes directly into her personal checking account. I have no access to it. In our state if a spouse dies the other gets a year’s support from the estate without the worry of probate or anything else.
About signing your house over to your wife. You may be able to do that without a lawyer. All you need is a quick claim deed. Sign it over then go to the court house and have it recorded. When I had to sign mine over to my wife, she did have a lawyer friend of hers provide her with the deed. I signed it and we both went to the courthouse to record it. It has been several years but it was not difficult or expensive at all. I know a few on this site disagree, but I think the wife having full and final financial control of all assets is very important. You can't be fully submissive if you can control any aspect of the finances. It is a tough thing to give up but the feeling of being completely under her authority is well worth it.

I think if I had been "screwed" by an ex-wife or two, I would certainly take steps to protect myself. I also acknowledge my wife could "screw" me. If she does I know I wouldn't let any other woman do it again if I could help it. But I have total trust in her, total. How do you handle your finances or does your wife control that also? From what I have seen posted I am one of the few men here who seem to have no actual control in this area and am forced to live on whatever allowance my wife decides is best for me.
Yes, she could take everything we have. In my mind it all belongs to her anyway. She is free to do as she pleases with it. If she took it all and left me, I could survive. I trust her to do right by me. If she doesn't, it is because she doesn't want to. That is her decision. I will live by it.

Let’s face it, odds are you will die before your wife, most men do. You do not want her to be alone with no experience in finances. Even men who are not man enough to submit to their wives should arrange to have them in control of the money or at least equal partners so she will be able to carry on.
Yes, money is power. If your wife controls it, she has that power. You have to trust her. I do. But she does as she pleases with the money. Most of the time I don't even know what that is. My biggest financial problem is trying to figure a way to get an extra $5 a week for my allowance and to avoid her reducing it if I fail to please her. I consider myself lucky to have such a small problem.

Final Thoughts

If your wife does not want complete financial control, you should not force it. The idea is to do what she wants. But regardless, it should evolve to where you don't spend any money other than your allowance without her approval. Meanwhile, she should evolve to the point where she knows she need not ask or seek your permission for anything.

We have to remember all this is about doing what our wife wants, not what we want. If she wants you to handle the finances, then that is a duty you owe her.

If your wife wants you to handle the finances, then your doing so is part of your submission to her will. In any marriage one partner is usually better suited to handling the money and that partner should be the one who has most of the responsibility (provided the wife wants it that way). If your wife wants you to handle the finances, you should.

I personally don't think any freedom you give up to favor your wife and increase your service to her should be left to fantasy. Move forward in your submission and don't be afraid to give her all the control she wants.

(End of Two-Part Posting)

Au876 on Financial Control, Part 1

2010-09-02T15:36:00.000-07:00

There have been a couple of comments from readers strongly agreeing with the previous posting, A Short Course in Wife Worship by Au876, especially Au’s thoughts on the benefits of the wife assuming total financial control in a wife-led marriage.

There was Allen, who commented, “Her whole personality changed when she took over all financial matters, and she is really good at it. This is the part that helped her enjoy her leadership in our marriage; even more then when I do all household chores.”

And Anonymous [wife] who wrote: “I agree that financial control for the wife is the most important part of the marriage and solidifies her (my) control. This was hard for me to manage at first, but now I would not have it any other way.”

My experience was exactly like Allen’s, and I imagine (though I have not asked her) that my wife is very much of Anonymous wife’s opinion. As I wrote once in an FLR blog (re “Stripping Hubby of Independence”):

“I certainly remember, as I took the steps at work to have my direct-deposit go into her private account, that this was one of those steps from fantasy into reality, one of those major turning points. And so it has proved. For years I had read about the ‘power exchange’ inherent in FLRs or Wife-Led Marriages. Well, now I know what it means. I no longer look at my beloved bride the way I did. Whenever I think of her, whenever she is in the room or speaks, there is an aura of power that surrounds her. And, yes, it is sexy. And she knows it, too.”

So, because there seem to be some very strong reactions to this particular preachment (and no doubt some of them will be negative, which is fine), and because Au876 was my mentor in taking this step, I thought I’d post more of his writings on the topic of financial control.

Because they were posted over a period of a couple years to Lady Misato’s original Yahoo! husbands’ forum, there is a certain amount of repetition. Think of it as reinforcement.

And now, Au876 on Financial Control, Part 1:

How It All Started

My wife didn't start with financial control. But once she had more or less taken charge of most aspects of our marriage (with my encouragement), she did take over financial control. Once she did that, probably for the first time I felt completely under her control. It was both scary and exciting. Now it is just accepted. Looking back, it was about 10 years ago our power transfer started. My wife opened her own checking account and announced her paycheck would go there from now on. Since I couldn't write a check on that account, we agreed she'd take over the bill paying (my check went to our joint account).
Less than a year later she closed our joint account and told me to arrange for direct deposit of my check to her account. This was a problem for me, but she finally convinced me it was the thing to do. She began making all the financial decisions, often with no input from me.
I was surprised how at much better off we were. She put me on a small allowance. I found myself stress-free from money worries. My biggest concern was to save money from my allowance to buy her a surprise present now and then.
Money like sex is power. I began taking on household chores to gain her favor and thus hopefully earn a bonus. After I did a chore two or three times, it suddenly became “my chore” and if I didn't do it she might cut my allowance or she might refuse sex, saying I had not done my chores.
Strive hard to live within the allowance she sets. Strive to save some back so you can buy her a present now and then. It may not be much, but she will know you had to cut back on your own pleasures to afford it.

It was good to hear your wife has taken over the money and checkbook. My wife gradually took charge of our finances over a period of time. The day she had me close our joint checking account, deposit all the money into her personal account and have my paycheck deposited there was a real turning point in our relationship. Us guys seem to equate money with power. I was put in the position of having to ask her for money every time I needed some. I really felt her power especially when she said no.
She put me on an allowance sometime later she said to keep me from bugging her and to teach me how to manage what I had better. It was actually a relief and ego builder for me to have some freedom even if the amount was not much.

Living Under Her Financial Control

I did control the finances in the beginning. However, my wife wanted control and took control. There are times I wish it were not so but it is also comforting to be under the security of her control.

My wife does have absolute control of all our finances. There are times I wish she didn't and it puts me under her control to a large degree. However, she is the better investor and we are much better off than when I was handling matters. We are aware of the tax situations and have set things up to take advantage of all the breaks. In addition I am her major financial advisor. In fact ,she insists I study and learn so she can ask questions and get answers without having to do research herself. I also pay all the bills, balance her accounts monthly and keep all the records for her review. All she does is sign the checks.

It is a good first step for your wife to open her own account. You cannot truly submit as long as you have any control or power with the finances. When she has total control of the family finances, you will both feel the relationship has reached what you desire.
My wife now has total control of all our assets. My check goes by direct deposit into her account, and I am given an allowance, which she sets and adjusts as she sees fit. I am not allowed nor do I ever question any decisions she makes about finances (or anything else for that matter).

I cannot do anything financially without my wife's signing off on it. She can do as she pleases and needs no consent from me. However, she insists I stay abreast of the financial markets, be prepared to give her good opinions when asked and be able to discuss matters with her.

Don't be afraid to give her complete and absolute control. Abide by her decisions. Do not argue with her. Do as much of the mundane paperwork as she wants you to do. Never question her but strive to make her decisions work just as you would do for your boss where you work.
She should and must be free to do as she pleases with the finances. She is in control. Adore her and work for her. Let her know you appreciate her.
Assure her you will not question anything she does and her decisions on financial matters are final. If she wants your opinion she can ask for it and she knows that. But when you give your opinion, give it humbly and be glad she has asked for it. Never, never get upset when she does not use your opinion.

If you are still working on a budget, listen to her carefully. If there are any areas of dispute, then her idea, word or suggestions should be final. In the future if you wish to purchase a "big" item, discuss it with her and LISTEN to her then abide by what she thinks.
My wife uses me a lot for counseling on money matters. As a matter of fact I have to stay abreast of all sorts of financial areas so I can give her good counsel. My job is to give her the best counsel I can (when she ask for it). Hers is to make the decisions.
If she doesn't ask, I am to remain silent. Last night she got a call from a political party asking for money. She told them she'd have to think about it and to call back next week. When she got off the phone I volunteered that I didn't think we should give them any money. She looked at me hard and said "I don't recall asking for your opinion". Now in some households that may start an argument. But I felt dressed down. I had overstepped my bounds and she let me know she didn't appreciate it. I offered my apology and spent the rest of the evening catering to her even more than normal.

I am a strong believer in the idea that the person who controls the money has the real power, be it spoken or not. Yet wifeworship is not about power. It is about service to your wife, yielding to her will, tending to her needs and most of all obeying her at all times. Well, I guess if you do that for her, it means she does have the power. I for one enjoy my wife being in control of all aspects of my life. It is easy to worship her. She demands it, expects it, and has ways to enforce it.

Serving as Her Financial Secretary

There is a lot work in handling the finances. The bookkeeping, bill-paying check-writing, record savings and researching for investments. Your wife may want to handle all or part of this herself. However, you can serve as her financial secretary in whatever capacity she wants. I get all the bills ready for payment, write the checks for my wife and, after she signs them, I prepare the bills for mailing. I do everything except sign the checks.
If she doesn't want me to see a bill, I don't see it, but there is no reason for her to hide one from me. I consider myself to be well informed on financial matters. My wife often has me gather information on an investment she may be considering or do other research, such as comparing prices. She often asks my opinion. When she does, she expects an informed opinion. However, after I present what she has asked for, she makes the decisions. Sometimes I never know what they are.
On occasion my wife has asked me to read some investment material she had and give her my opinion or do some further research for her. I do this, give it to her in writing and never ask what she decided. She may or may not tell me later, but I have been asked for an opinion and that by itself thrills me.
About three years ago my wife wanted to change brokers. She told me to come up with a list of several for her to talk with. I talked with friends and etc., and came up with seven of them. My wife then told me exactly what she was looking for in a broker and instructed me to talk with each of them. I did and reported back to her my opinion of each. Based on that she cut the list down to three and had me set up her meeting with each of them. I did. I took her to meet each one and waited while she interviewed them. She was pleased with all three and selected one of them. She told me I had done a great job and saved her a lot of time and effort. It was clear to me she had trusted my judgment. I was active in the selection process.
Financial control by the wife does not mean she has to do all the mundane work of bill paying, keeping track of stuff and etc. She can delegate that to you just like she can delegate anything else to you.
I do all the mundane financial chores such as preparing the bills for payment (she only signs the checks), balancing her accounts, researching for her investments when she tells me and giving her detailed reports whenever she says.

Living on an Allowance

Let her set your allowance (you can have input, but her decision is final). If you need extra money for something, hopefully you will be allowed to ask for it and present your case. You will find this hard to do and accept, having to ask your wife for money.
If she says yes, that is great, but what if she says no? You cannot argue with her. You cannot make her feel bad for saying no. You cannot pout. You have to cheerfully accept her decision even if you don't understand it.
If my wife says no (and she does a lot more often than she says yes), I still find it hard to accept. However, we have reached a compromise. I am allowed to bring the request back to her in six months if I still feel I need whatever I asked for.
You will find she may surprise you with some extra money now and then or a special present of something you really want (and she may have told you no earlier).
If you want to become more subservient to her, you might want to consider offering to do things if she will pay you more money. $5 is a mighty small amount to get by on per week. I get $25 and can hardly manage. Ask her if she will pay you an additional amount if you start doing the laundry and build on it from there. A couple of years ago I wanted something that cost $150. My wife said no. A few weeks later I asked her if I could do something to earn the extra money. We talked back and forth awhile and she finally agreed she would "credit" me with $2 an hour for doing extra personal chores for her. I kept a record by minutes and we actually had a lot of fun with both of us thinking up things for me to do, her checking the record every day and etc. Once I got close to the required amount, she started getting strict about it being an extra and even started deducting items to punish me for failing to do something I should have done. “Raising the bar?” As I said, it became fun. I got what I wanted. A big bonus was I discovered some of the personal things she wanted done she hadn't brought up before and they are now a regular part of our relationship.
I sometimes wish I weren't on an allowance and/or had more say so with our finances. However, you sure feel the depths of submission (and its pleasures) when you are truly dependent upon your wife's good will for whatever money you have.

To me the worst part is being on a small allowance and her having the ability to "punish" me by reducing it whenever she sees fit. However, she also rewards me at times with extra money and I have learned to really appreciate that. I totally trust her to do what is right for me.

Are you guys on an allowance? If so how much do you get (if that is not too personal). I get $25 a week for spending money and do not have to account for any of it. When I have to buy anything for the house (i.e., groceries and etc.), she gives me a signed check and or lets me use her charge card. She always checks to make sure I have not padded the purchases to get extra money.
I often find it hard to get by with this amount. This Saturday when she was giving me my allowance I suggested she should raise it. I had been broke the last three days. (But I had not gone into the money I save back to buy her presents.) In response she said I was not spending wisely and just needed to learn how to be more thrifty. She reduced my allowance to $20 a week for the next month, saying when I learned to live on that, the $25 would seem like a lot.
I am not upset. No need to be, that won’t help. I was just wondering if anyone else had experience in this matter. How did you get a raise??

April 1st was a year since she last reviewed my allowance. I approached her about giving me more money. She told me to write down as best I could remember how I spent my money and keep up with everything I spent for the next three weeks and let her see it. It wasn't real hard keeping up with $25. Saturday night I gave her my report. She said she'd look it over and decide what to do or change if anything.
Last night she said she was raising my allowance to $50 a week! I couldn't hardly believe it. I was hoping for a raise but not that much. But the best was yet to come. After I near fell over myself in gratitude, she gave me $200 in cash and said to spend it all on myself, not to buy her anything.
I feel like I am the luckiest man in the world. I have a wife I adore and worship. I love to serve her and take care of her. I know she loves me and appreciates what I do for her. She shows me that near every day. I told her how much I loved her and that I would always do whatever she said. She said she knew that and she loved me too.

Buying Her Presents

I have very little money to get her anything for Christmas. But this has given me an opportunity to be creative. I am developing a plan to wrap up something, maybe a poem I'll write, to say I am quitting my job and coming to work for her. She will be my boss both at home and at work. It is hard to believe how totally dependent I am upon her and how much I love it.
When my wife and I were dating I would surprise her with little gifts every couple of weeks. Nothing expensive or fancy, just something I thought she would like. This continued (on less frequent intervals) for a while after we got married. However, after she took charge of our finances and put me on an allowance, I wasn't able to afford to continue this. Actually it had almost stopped by then anyway. Now it is a challenge to save up enough to buy her gifts on major occasions. All though this will be easier since my [allowance] raise (I hope). I do leave her notes of love and appreciation a lot. I may have it by her coffee cup, put it her purse, under or pillow or some other place I know where I know she will find it.
She gives me little gifts now. It might be a bottle of men's cologne), or as major as one she gave me last year which was a $100 gift certificate to the drug store where I usually buy pedicure supplies. I often wish I could buy her little things but she knows I can't afford to and I think she appreciates the notes just as much if not more.
This is in reply to your question of how I could buy my wife expensive gifts. I can't. There is no way possible because I do not have free access to any remotely large sum of money. Yes, if she wants something, she buys it and I must say she does not hesitate to splurge on herself. Before she took control of the finances I would buy her right expensive gifts from time to time. She appreciated them but often exchanged them for what she really wanted.
Now she buys what she really wants. But the big plus is how much more she appreciates the gifts I do buy for her. It may be an inexpensive sweater, some new underwear, candy or even flowers from time to time, but she knows I have had to save back from my allowance to make the purchase and she knows I have given up some pleasures for myself to please her. She seems to appreciate them
much more than she did expensive gifts that caused me little hardship.

I have very little business travel. When I do, I am paid a daily amount by the company for meals and my room is charged to the company. Therefore this does not present a control problem for my wife. I usually am able to return some of the daily money allowed to her, but she does not ask me to account for it. She is a good woman.

(End Part One, to be continued…)

A Short Course in Wife Worship by Au876

2010-08-03T15:14:00.000-07:00

It was the pink-backdropped website of Real Women Don’t Do Housework that first unveiled for me the magical world of wife worship. And Fumika Misato, the creative genius behind RWDDH, was responsive to my early emails.

But it all remained an enticing dream until my first contact with a man actually living the wife-worship life on a day-to-day basis. That man, the mainstay and unofficial moderator of Misato’s original Husbands Fo rum, was known simply as Au876.

"Au" initiated topics and impromptu surveys, he posed provocative questions, he provided almost daily candid glimpses into his own wife-led world, and he responded to the frequent questions from the rest of us with unfailing enthusiasm and encouragement.

For several years he did all this, until he vanished into cyberspace. Without his considerable outreach, I believe wife worship would have remained pure fantasy for me, and for many others. Because of him, I knew it was real, and could be real for me, too. As it has become.

I have frequently quoted "Au," but it occurs to me that I might occasionally include some longer-form samples of his unique perspective on his chosen lifestyle.

I begin with an essay, nearly 1,000 words, that appeared more than a decade ago on a website that was called, as I recall, “Aunty Vera’s Females in Control.” It’s long gone, though perhaps retrievable on the Internet Archive Wayback Machine. I can’t verify at the moment, as I’m at work and those keywords are blocked!

Now sit back and enjoy a generous helping of Au876:

A Short Course in Wife Worship

A lot of men have written The Forum who are apparently in a vanilla relationship and are asking how they can get their wife to take control. I would like to address that issue.

First of all, if you as a man really want your wife in control, you have already taken the first long step. Where there is a will, there is a way.

Secondly, you must realize most women are not into the fetish part of female domination. It is unrealistic to expect your wife to start spanking you, to wear black leather boots and kick you in the butt if you don't obey her.

But most if not all women love to be pampered, adored, worshipped and listened to. Therefore if you want to taste the sweet fruit of submitting to your wife and having her in control, then pamper, adore, worship and listen to her.

Pamper her by taking over all the household chores. All of them! A Female In Control should never do any housework. Just tell her you have decided you should do all the housework and it is your goal to accomplish this within say three months.

She will probably have to teach you how to do things like the laundry, ironing, menu planning and cooking. But even a man can learn to clean a bathroom till it sparkles, vacuum, mop, dust, pick up messes, sweep, make beds, change sheets and a host of other mundane but necessary chores without supervision. Run her errands (now your errands) to save her the time and stress involved.

She may not believe you, so you will have to work hard to prove you are serious. You may be surprised how quickly she will let go and how eagerly she will teach you what you don't know.

Adore her by your actions and your words. Never miss a chance to tell her how beautiful she is, how smart she is and how much you cherish her. Rub her feet at night. Give her pedicures, fold her nightgown, clean her hair brush (daily), rub her back, tend her bath (for example a simple thing like bringing her a hot towel to dry off with is little trouble and yet very sweet).

When you are in public let your adoration spill over. Treat her like a lady at all times. Open doors for her, stand when she enters a room, don't interrupt her and be quick to tell everyone, anyone how special she is.

Worship her by treating her with the utmost respect, always putting her needs, wants and pleasures above your own and never expecting anything in return. The sheer joy of putting her first is your reward.

This is especially true in the bedroom. Sex should be when, where and how she says and strictly for her pleasure. Become an expert giving her oral sex and be willing to give it at anytime and anyplace. Never, never force yourself upon her or try to penetrate her. If she wants intercourse with you, she will let you know.

Listen to her. Her word is final. If in the past you have argued with her, failed to consult with her or not paid any attention to what she has said, then let the past become a distant memory. From this point forward your wife's word is the law. If she allows you input or seeks your opinion, then give it but otherwise you do as she says. Do it joyfully and with pride.

Don't question her decisions. If they prove to be wrong, never say anything. In fact you should take the blame.

In the few months you have taken to accomplish the above you should have noticed a huge change in your relationship. Your wife is more assertive, more decisive and more confident of your love.

You have probably heard her bragging on you to her friends and, believe me, she has, even if you haven't heard her.

If you haven't already done it, now is the time to turn over all financial control to your wife. Your paycheck should be direct-deposited into her personal checking account.

You may think your wife can't or does not want to handle the money. Odds are you are dead wrong. Once she has the control you will be amazed at her expertise and how this assumption of power will cement her control over you.

Three months after my wife took over she got “tired” of my having to ask her for money. She put me on an allowance. I thought it was way too little but she didn't. She did agree to review it every six months. It is a real taste of submission knowing she can and does spend the money as she sees fit without any input or questions from me while I have to subsist on a small allowance that she allows me.

The Female In Control lifestyle can be yours if you really want it. It may not be the way you want. It may not be sexually rewarding and your wife may not feed your fetishes.

You have to get over the idea it should do those things. Her being in control is exactly what it says it is. You submit to her will, you obey her, you work for and serve her and devote yourself to her with all your heart and soul.

The joy of submitting to her will far exceed your expectations. As she grows used to her new role, she will consolidate her power and probably set forth in some fashion guidelines and principles for you to adhere to. She may even devise ways to punish you. But no matter what she does, you comply, you obey and you take it like a man.
—Au876
June, 2000

Goddess Worship, Sacred and Profane

2010-07-23T08:45:00.000-07:00

“If you want your wife to be a Goddess, worship her.”—Clairette de Longvilliers

I will never forget the first time I came upon Lady Misato’s likening of “wife worship” to classic courtship behavior. It was a mind-blowing revelation for me. Lifelong impulses that I had vainly tried to suppress, and that I had given into repeatedly in secret, furtive spasms, were suddenly redeemed. All those bizarre S&M images, associated in my psyche with shrinkwrapped, verboten magazines in back aisles of sleazy bookstores, were transformed into romantic storybook images of ladies fair and knights errant.

Thanks to Lady Misato, I could see myself as the knight, with my wife enthroned as my queen. Instead of hiding all my submissive yearnings from her, I was free to integrate them into my marriage.

A couple years back in this blog, in a posting titled “Swagger vs. Grovel,” I wrote that guys hanging out at strip clubs were actually practicing goddess worship, whether they knew it or not. I conjured a typical topless-bar tableau, with male patrons “packed shoulder to shoulder in the stage-side seats, gaping up in idolatrous awe and hanging their hard-earned cash along the railing. These are offerings to the prancing priestesses on high, who do the strutting and swaggering, affording the acolytes below only sneak peeks into forbidden paradise.”

I wasn’t making this up. In my bachelor daze, I had been one of those guys at the rail, or maybe sitting farther back, peeling off fives and tens and twenties I couldn’t afford as tribute to these tease-queens.

For awhile there I got pretty obsessive-compulsive about it. I wasn’t really looking to date a stripper—though that did happen once or twice—as for a goddess to worship. That didn't happen, but I did donate major portions of my minor earnings. I was lucky, looking back, that this all happened pre-Internet. Otherwise I would have been a prime candidate to become the moneyslave of some Web-savvy succubus.

My point in the earlier posting about strip clubs was stated this: “Goddess worship could hardly be more explicit, nor the imbalance of power between male supplicant and dominant female more visible. Vive la différence!”

And I didn’t, and don’t mean “Goddess worship” figuratively. For many guys, including me, there is a religious component to this adoration and apotheosis of the female. Kneeling and genuflection, obeisance, even groveling and foot-kissing, all these are religious postures hallowed by history and tradition. What is often termed “sub-space,” that intoxicating submissive rush experienced by some males in moments of surrender to a dominant female, can also be viewed as a legitimate variety of mystical experience.

Might it not be akin to the submissive ecstasy experienced by a monk or fakir enduring penance or self-flagellation while contemplating the Divine Feminine or the Goddess Mother?

Whether these masculine prostrations and devotions are sacred or profane, carried out in a sacred shrine, a candlelit chapel, a roadside strip club or behind the closed doors of a wife-led marriage, my hunch is that all qualify as goddess worship, pure and simple.

And what better way to start the day for any man blessed to live with a goddess? As Elise Sutton advised one husband in regard to his wife: “You should worship her and adore her every day.”Or, as one husband put it: “I am so lucky to have her to serve, obey and please every day of my life!”

The Secret Brotherhood, Part 2

2010-06-22T12:12:00.000-07:00

“There is a brotherhood of man…

Keep a-giving each brother all you can.

Oh aren’t you proud to be / In that fraternity…”

—Frank Loesser, “Brotherhood of Man,”

from How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying

In this Internet Age, submissive men, like birds of every other feather, are able to flock together at virtual gathering spots. Online “Cheers!” bars, I called them in an earlier posting (“Boys Night Out, Part 2”), where the regulars always know your cybername.

Here, to quote myself on an earlier posting, submissives gather to get their daily dose of “reinforcement, reassurance, feed-back, occasional cautionary words-to-the-wise and a wealth of been-there-tried-that ideas for taking the lifestyle up a notch.”

All extremely therapeutic and needful, according to female supremacist psychologist Paige Harrison: “I encourage all sub males to begin to make efforts to contact one another and begin to bond together just as Women do to discuss their mutual interests and concerns. Submissive males should become known to each other and share their feelings and experiences.”

What exactly do we “share” in these ad hoc support groups? Some guys tend to exhaustive self-analysis, dredging into why they are the way they are. I prefer the pragmatic and inspirational, trading tips on ways to be even more devoted and useful to my wife—to be, in other words, even more the way I am. Luckily for me, there are plenty of husbands and boyfriends similarly disposed, like this guy, from Lady Misato’s original Wife Worship Forum, greeting a newbie:

“Welcome! Get a cup of coffee, sit back and read all the posts to this forum from the beginning. You’ll soon see you’re not alone! Keep serving your wife, putting her first. Listen intently when she speaks and do everything she says.”

Another charter member, Au876, put it this way: “I too very much enjoy all the postings and knowing other husbands find joy in serving their wives. I am glad to be here and am thankful for our Founder [Lady Misato] having the grace to set up a site where men on the cutting edge can discuss, ex-change and even daydream. It is great to have a place where I, and we, can get it off our chest and know we are understood by those that read our post.”

With the female-led movement gathering momentum, you will find more and more submissive guys moving from guilt to pride in regard to their lifestyle. Calmly they are asserting that serving one’s wife, worshipping her, following her lead, all are “natural.” You will find articulate examples of this in the opening comments to the previous post on this topic.

Here are a couple more: “Far from being ashamed of all the things I do for her around the house, and in the bedroom and boudoir, my greatest joy and fulfillment is to serve her with all the adoration and respect that she deserves.”

“I want people to notice. I used to be ashamed of it or would hide it. If I was ironing, I would act like it wasn't me ironing. The same with laundry or cleaning. I've since grown up and said, ‘You know what, I should be proud of helping out’ and I've since stopped worrying about what others think. I beam with pride when someone makes a comment about how great my wife is treated.”

A few more for good measure:

“Hopefully, we can reach a point where a submissive man who is pledged to a woman is viewed as someone special. This will come, of course, if and when women continue their ascent in the world of politics, business, the academy, etc.”

“If my wife wants to leaves clues of the nature of our relationship for our friends to see, I think she must feel empowered by it. And that makes me feel wonderful. It also makes me think that she must not feel any shame about having a submissive husband. That makes me happy.”

“I feel best about myself when submitting to my wife, and when I am allowed to exhibit this deference to her when around others I am not embarrassed. Often, others may see me serving coffee and dessert and then returning to clean up the dinner dishes while she enjoys their company, be they women, couples or men friends.”

These prideful voices are not just from the male chorus. Wives and other female authority figures are even more forceful:

“As women get more power, they may head their families; there is no shame in admitting who the head of the house is. I do not beat or whip my husband. He freely chose his role; his submission to me is an honor he feels I deserve.”

Kathy, of the estimable femdom101 blog, has often stated that a man should be proud to follow his wife’s lead:

“There are a lot of men in the world who need the guidance of a strong, smart woman. Society has taught men that this is something to be ashamed up. In my view the world will be a better place when men will be able to speak freely and openly about their submissive needs.”

“Society has programmed men with idea that they should be head of the house and leaders in society. The more modern, mature man will be more willing to admit to the world that his wife is head of his house, and he is proud to be her helpmate.”

“[A man] should be able to tell his family that his wife will be the head of house and the boss in their relationship. He should be willing to take routine instructions from his wife regardless of who is present. “

Ms. Barbara, who operates her own tease-and-deny female-led Yahoo! Group, puts it this way:

“There is nothing wrong with being a submissive male.... just be proud of it guys and we will like it! Pride and submissiveness are no contradiction. [My husband] manages to make me happy and I think that he's got a right to be proud of that. That is the kind of pride every man should strive for, i.e. making a woman happy...first and foremost.”

She’s so effervescent I can’t resist a refill: “My hubby wears the badge of being pussy-whipped quite proudly. I think that maybe, just perhaps, submission to a woman starts much earlier than the courting ages, yes? How about a small boy's love for his mom? I would think a mother's impression upon her son would be quite strong and his desire to please her is natural and uninhibited.”

I will close with what I regard as the clearest, most eloquent and certainly the most concise rationale of male submission in regard to the opposite sex. Its author, a frequent contributor to FLR boards and occasionally to this blog, signs himself “Ken Brix”:

“Indeed, one should never feel ashamed of one's submissive feelings to a woman. Love, in other words, is submissive.”

The Secret Brotherhood, Part 1

2010-06-04T16:05:00.000-07:00

"Oh aren't you proud to be
In that fraternity,
The great big Brotherhood of Man?"

—Frank Loesser, “Brotherhood of Man,”
from How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying

Do secret societies exist outside the fanciful plots of Dan Brown? Well, I know of at least one, because I belong to it. It’s pretty secret. Unlike the Illuminati or the ancient Freemasons, Hollywood hasn’t made a movie about us. Maybe because the members of this super-esoteric brotherhood don’t plot the overthrow of anything, don’t dress up in silly costumes, don’t have secret recognition signals (or, if they do, I missed the memo); they don’t hold conventions, conclaves or covens. They don’t seem to meet at all, except in cyberspace.

I’m talking about the secret fraternity of submissive males—in particular the sub-husband chapter thereof.

It’s a huge cohort, I’m convinced. Maybe, all these years post-Gay Liberation, we’re the largest collection of guys still closeted and fearful of being outed.

Before the miraculous advent of the World Wide Web, who could have guessed at our number? Each potential member must have assumed he was uniquely deviant in his submissive-to-the-opposite-sex yearnings. Now we are discovering that we are part of a great submissive beta-male tribe, at least a statistical subset of normalcy.

Is it safe to come out of the closet? Hardly. Even those of us who blog about our desire to be female-led usually hide behind cyber-monikers. Like “Mark Remond,” or “John,” the admirable fellow who subtitles his blog, “I’m SubmissiveProud."

I doubt we could muster many foot soldiers of our hidden army to march down Fifth Avenue, say, under a banner proclaiming “Submale Pride” or “Henpecked, Pusywhipped & Proud of It!”

Yet, like gayfolk or other sub-rosa groups, we submissive guys yearn to be socially accepted. By our wives, first and foremost, of course, but also by society. We’re not militant about it—not docile us!—but wouldn’t it be awfully nice to stop hiding who we really are from everyone, including, often, ourselves?

As one submissive husband put it eloquently: “Closets are for clothes, not relationships.”

And another: “To have this special relationship that I have with my wife gives me a sense of pride. It's like our own little secret. But even though most people would consider this lifestyle to be deviant and twisted, I see it as a beautiful, totally normal thing, and therefore I don't have to be ashamed of it at all.”

So we even hide our pride, and shame prevails. We know too well the buckets of contempt waiting to be dumped on us, not only by other guys (many of them perhaps “latent” or “repressed” submissives themselves), but by too many women. We dare not reveal what we do, or dream of doing, behind closed doors. Yes, behind the bedroom door, but also in the kitchen, bathroom, and laundry room.

Sure, it’s acceptable for a guy to moon over a girl he’s courting, or make a romantic fool of himself as honeymooner or newlywed. But what about some long-married guy who fold his wife’s nightgown, warms her bath towels, paints her toenails?

We of the Secret Brotherhood may not practice the only love that dare not speak its name, but we’re definitely in the non-conversation. In fact, our married members often agonize for years before revealing our submissive side to our own wives. How or when or if to do so remains a perennial topic on our clandestine message boards, which serve as a virtual support group of wife-led husbands alongside those who wannabe.

I don’t mean this to sound tongue-in-cheek. Without the friendship and encouragement of my secret submissive brothers, via Internet groups or message boards and emails, I would not have been able to persevere and eventually succeed in my second courtship of my wife and win her heart anew.

In a follow-on post, I'd like to share a few testimonials from other husbands who have been helped by their secret brothers.

As one of my pseudonymous mentors, “fdhousehusband,” put it: “We are all in this together.”