Goddess Worship, Sacred and Profane

“If you want your wife to be a Goddess, worship her.”—Clairette de Longvilliers

I will never forget the first time I came upon Lady Misato’s likening of “wife worship” to classic courtship behavior. It was a mind-blowing revelation for me. Lifelong impulses that I had vainly tried to suppress, and that I had given into repeatedly in secret, furtive spasms, were suddenly redeemed. All those bizarre S&M images, associated in my psyche with shrinkwrapped, verboten magazines in back aisles of sleazy bookstores, were transformed into romantic storybook images of ladies fair and knights errant.

Thanks to Lady Misato, I could see myself as the knight, with my wife enthroned as my queen. Instead of hiding all my submissive yearnings from her, I was free to integrate them into my marriage.

A couple years back in this blog, in a posting titled “Swagger vs. Grovel,” I wrote that guys hanging out at strip clubs were actually practicing goddess worship, whether they knew it or not. I conjured a typical topless-bar tableau, with male patrons “packed shoulder to shoulder in the stage-side seats, gaping up in idolatrous awe and hanging their hard-earned cash along the railing. These are offerings to the prancing priestesses on high, who do the strutting and swaggering, affording the acolytes below only sneak peeks into forbidden paradise.”

I wasn’t making this up. In my bachelor daze, I had been one of those guys at the rail, or maybe sitting farther back, peeling off fives and tens and twenties I couldn’t afford as tribute to these tease-queens.

For awhile there I got pretty obsessive-compulsive about it. I wasn’t really looking to date a stripper—though that did happen once or twice—as for a goddess to worship. That didn't happen, but I did donate major portions of my minor earnings. I was lucky, looking back, that this all happened pre-Internet. Otherwise I would have been a prime candidate to become the moneyslave of some Web-savvy succubus.

My point in the earlier posting about strip clubs was stated this: “Goddess worship could hardly be more explicit, nor the imbalance of power between male supplicant and dominant female more visible. Vive la différence!”

And I didn’t, and don’t mean “Goddess worship” figuratively. For many guys, including me, there is a religious component to this adoration and apotheosis of the female. Kneeling and genuflection, obeisance, even groveling and foot-kissing, all these are religious postures hallowed by history and tradition. What is often termed “sub-space,” that intoxicating submissive rush experienced by some males in moments of surrender to a dominant female, can also be viewed as a legitimate variety of mystical experience.

Might it not be akin to the submissive ecstasy experienced by a monk or fakir enduring penance or self-flagellation while contemplating the Divine Feminine or the Goddess Mother?

Whether these masculine prostrations and devotions are sacred or profane, carried out in a sacred shrine, a candlelit chapel, a roadside strip club or behind the closed doors of a wife-led marriage, my hunch is that all qualify as goddess worship, pure and simple.

And what better way to start the day for any man blessed to live with a goddess? As Elise Sutton advised one husband in regard to his wife: “You should worship her and adore her every day.”Or, as one husband put it: “I am so lucky to have her to serve, obey and please every day of my life!”

The Secret Brotherhood, Part 2

“There is a brotherhood of man…

Keep a-giving each brother all you can.

Oh aren’t you proud to be / In that fraternity…”

—Frank Loesser, “Brotherhood of Man,”

from How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying

In this Internet Age, submissive men, like birds of every other feather, are able to flock together at virtual gathering spots. Online “Cheers!” bars, I called them in an earlier posting (“Boys Night Out, Part 2”), where the regulars always know your cybername.

Here, to quote myself on an earlier posting, submissives gather to get their daily dose of “reinforcement, reassurance, feed-back, occasional cautionary words-to-the-wise and a wealth of been-there-tried-that ideas for taking the lifestyle up a notch.”

All extremely therapeutic and needful, according to female supremacist psychologist Paige Harrison: “I encourage all sub males to begin to make efforts to contact one another and begin to bond together just as Women do to discuss their mutual interests and concerns. Submissive males should become known to each other and share their feelings and experiences.”

What exactly do we “share” in these ad hoc support groups? Some guys tend to exhaustive self-analysis, dredging into why they are the way they are. I prefer the pragmatic and inspirational, trading tips on ways to be even more devoted and useful to my wife—to be, in other words, even more the way I am. Luckily for me, there are plenty of husbands and boyfriends similarly disposed, like this guy, from Lady Misato’s original Wife Worship Forum, greeting a newbie:

“Welcome! Get a cup of coffee, sit back and read all the posts to this forum from the beginning. You’ll soon see you’re not alone! Keep serving your wife, putting her first. Listen intently when she speaks and do everything she says.”

Another charter member, Au876, put it this way: “I too very much enjoy all the postings and knowing other husbands find joy in serving their wives. I am glad to be here and am thankful for our Founder [Lady Misato] having the grace to set up a site where men on the cutting edge can discuss, ex-change and even daydream. It is great to have a place where I, and we, can get it off our chest and know we are understood by those that read our post.”

With the female-led movement gathering momentum, you will find more and more submissive guys moving from guilt to pride in regard to their lifestyle. Calmly they are asserting that serving one’s wife, worshipping her, following her lead, all are “natural.” You will find articulate examples of this in the opening comments to the previous post on this topic.

Here are a couple more: “Far from being ashamed of all the things I do for her around the house, and in the bedroom and boudoir, my greatest joy and fulfillment is to serve her with all the adoration and respect that she deserves.”

“I want people to notice. I used to be ashamed of it or would hide it. If I was ironing, I would act like it wasn't me ironing. The same with laundry or cleaning. I've since grown up and said, ‘You know what, I should be proud of helping out’ and I've since stopped worrying about what others think. I beam with pride when someone makes a comment about how great my wife is treated.”

A few more for good measure:

“Hopefully, we can reach a point where a submissive man who is pledged to a woman is viewed as someone special. This will come, of course, if and when women continue their ascent in the world of politics, business, the academy, etc.”

“If my wife wants to leaves clues of the nature of our relationship for our friends to see, I think she must feel empowered by it. And that makes me feel wonderful. It also makes me think that she must not feel any shame about having a submissive husband. That makes me happy.”

“I feel best about myself when submitting to my wife, and when I am allowed to exhibit this deference to her when around others I am not embarrassed. Often, others may see me serving coffee and dessert and then returning to clean up the dinner dishes while she enjoys their company, be they women, couples or men friends.”

These prideful voices are not just from the male chorus. Wives and other female authority figures are even more forceful:

“As women get more power, they may head their families; there is no shame in admitting who the head of the house is. I do not beat or whip my husband. He freely chose his role; his submission to me is an honor he feels I deserve.”

Kathy, of the estimable femdom101 blog, has often stated that a man should be proud to follow his wife’s lead:

“There are a lot of men in the world who need the guidance of a strong, smart woman. Society has taught men that this is something to be ashamed up. In my view the world will be a better place when men will be able to speak freely and openly about their submissive needs.”

“Society has programmed men with idea that they should be head of the house and leaders in society. The more modern, mature man will be more willing to admit to the world that his wife is head of his house, and he is proud to be her helpmate.”

“[A man] should be able to tell his family that his wife will be the head of house and the boss in their relationship. He should be willing to take routine instructions from his wife regardless of who is present. “

Ms. Barbara, who operates her own tease-and-deny female-led Yahoo! Group, puts it this way:

“There is nothing wrong with being a submissive male.... just be proud of it guys and we will like it! Pride and submissiveness are no contradiction. [My husband] manages to make me happy and I think that he's got a right to be proud of that. That is the kind of pride every man should strive for, i.e. making a woman happy...first and foremost.”

She’s so effervescent I can’t resist a refill: “My hubby wears the badge of being pussy-whipped quite proudly. I think that maybe, just perhaps, submission to a woman starts much earlier than the courting ages, yes? How about a small boy's love for his mom? I would think a mother's impression upon her son would be quite strong and his desire to please her is natural and uninhibited.”

I will close with what I regard as the clearest, most eloquent and certainly the most concise rationale of male submission in regard to the opposite sex. Its author, a frequent contributor to FLR boards and occasionally to this blog, signs himself “Ken Brix”:

“Indeed, one should never feel ashamed of one's submissive feelings to a woman. Love, in other words, is submissive.”

The Secret Brotherhood, Part 1

"Oh aren't you proud to be
In that fraternity,
The great big Brotherhood of Man?"

—Frank Loesser, “Brotherhood of Man,”
from How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying

Do secret societies exist outside the fanciful plots of Dan Brown? Well, I know of at least one, because I belong to it. It’s pretty secret. Unlike the Illuminati or the ancient Freemasons, Hollywood hasn’t made a movie about us. Maybe because the members of this super-esoteric brotherhood don’t plot the overthrow of anything, don’t dress up in silly costumes, don’t have secret recognition signals (or, if they do, I missed the memo); they don’t hold conventions, conclaves or covens. They don’t seem to meet at all, except in cyberspace.


I’m talking about the secret fraternity of submissive males—in particular the sub-husband chapter thereof.

It’s a huge cohort, I’m convinced. Maybe, all these years post-Gay Liberation, we’re the largest collection of guys still closeted and fearful of being outed.


Before the miraculous advent of the World Wide Web, who could have guessed at our number? Each potential member must have assumed he was uniquely deviant in his submissive-to-the-opposite-sex yearnings. Now we are discovering that we are part of a great submissive beta-male tribe, at least a statistical subset of normalcy.

Is it safe to come out of the closet? Hardly. Even those of us who blog about our desire to be female-led usually hide behind cyber-monikers. Like “Mark Remond,” or “John,” the admirable fellow who subtitles his blog, “I’m SubmissiveProud."

I doubt we could muster many foot soldiers of our hidden army to march down Fifth Avenue, say, under a banner proclaiming “Submale Pride” or “Henpecked, Pusywhipped & Proud of It!”

Yet, like gayfolk or other sub-rosa groups, we submissive guys yearn to be socially accepted. By our wives, first and foremost, of course, but also by society. We’re not militant about it—not docile us!—but wouldn’t it be awfully nice to stop hiding who we really are from everyone, including, often, ourselves?

As one submissive husband put it eloquently: “Closets are for clothes, not relationships.”

And another: “To have this special relationship that I have with my wife gives me a sense of pride. It's like our own little secret. But even though most people would consider this lifestyle to be deviant and twisted, I see it as a beautiful, totally normal thing, and therefore I don't have to be ashamed of it at all.”

So we even hide our pride, and shame prevails. We know too well the buckets of contempt waiting to be dumped on us, not only by other guys (many of them perhaps “latent” or “repressed” submissives themselves), but by too many women. We dare not reveal what we do, or dream of doing, behind closed doors. Yes, behind the bedroom door, but also in the kitchen, bathroom, and laundry room.

Sure, it’s acceptable for a guy to moon over a girl he’s courting, or make a romantic fool of himself as honeymooner or newlywed. But what about some long-married guy who fold his wife’s nightgown, warms her bath towels, paints her toenails?

We of the Secret Brotherhood may not practice the only love that dare not speak its name, but we’re definitely in the non-conversation. In fact, our married members often agonize for years before revealing our submissive side to our own wives. How or when or if to do so remains a perennial topic on our clandestine message boards, which serve as a virtual support group of wife-led husbands alongside those who wannabe.

I don’t mean this to sound tongue-in-cheek. Without the friendship and encouragement of my secret submissive brothers, via Internet groups or message boards and emails, I would not have been able to persevere and eventually succeed in my second courtship of my wife and win her heart anew.

In a follow-on post, I'd like to share a few testimonials from other husbands who have been helped by their secret brothers.

As one of my pseudonymous mentors, “fdhousehusband,” put it: “We are all in this together.”

Revisiting Vivian’s Domain, Part 7

(This installment concludes my archival republishing of sections of “Vivian’s Domain,” an FLR website originally hosted on Geocities.com.—MR)

About Sex

The great thing about sex in a marriage that includes Domestic Discipline is that it gets better in whatever way you want it to. Think about your sexual fantasies, the things you've never told your husband about for fear of what he'd think of you or for fear that he'd either reject you or the idea. Now you have the freedom to let your husband know what you want in sex without fear. You have that freedom because of his vulnerability.

Think about it. He has just allowed himself to be bare-bottomed spanked by you, you have humiliated him, restricted his access to his own genitals, and he is kneeling naked before you begging for an orgasm. Do you think anything you tell him about your sexual desires is going to sound “too weird” for him? I don't think so! When it comes to sex you can have whatever you want no matter what your preferred styles of sex are. Let me give you a few examples.

Me

I am a natural for Domestic Discipline because I enjoy having and using sexual power. I get a thrill from sexually dominating my husband. I enjoy forcing his face into my crotch for oral sex. I enjoy being on top during intercourse, talking to him, warning him about what will happen if he cums before I've said he may. When we roll over, I enjoy the way he winces and whines when I use my riding crop to reinforce my directions that he speed up or slow down. My husband, of course, enjoys these things too. I also enjoy punishing him when he has not performed to my standards. We are a perfect fit in this regard.

My Friend Susan

When it comes to sexual enjoyment and ingrained fantasies, Susan is the opposite. She wants to be dominated in bed. She wants her man to be strong and forceful in sex. She likes to resist a little and be gently but convincingly overpowered. She enjoys being playfully spanked herself during foreplay. One may think it difficult for her to be dominant in Domestic Discipline and submissive in sex. In fact, it works out very well for her.

After a disciplinary session, Susan tells her husband what she wants from him in sex and that certain privileges, rewards and punishments will be tied to his performance. Susan had been married 15 years before discovering Domestic Discipline. In all those years she had never been able to tell her husband what she wanted in sex for fear of embarrassment or rejection.

Once she had made him totally vulnerable to her in Domestic Discipline, she was able to tell him without such fears. He was delighted to find out how to please her better. She tells me her sex life is 100 times better than it ever has been. She gets her playful spankings during foreplay and he gets his serious spankings during disciplinary sessions. It works out wonderfully. She has even come to enjoy the power she feels when disciplining him and laying down the law and looks forward to disciplinary sessions.

My Friend Carol

Carol is more conventional in bed. She wants her man to woo her with romance, flowers, candlelight dinners, and long, luxurious foreplay. She wants her man's undivided attention during sex, wants him gazing into her eyes and telling her how beautiful she is and how much he loves and cherishes her. That is how sex was for her during her first year of marriage. Over the following eleven years it changed. It became mechanical, boring and void of passion.

Like Susan, once Carol initiated Domestic Discipine with her husband she was able to tell him what she wanted and he had the energy and motivation to give it to her. Her sex life also dramatically improved and continues getting better.

Another factor that improves sex is control over ejaculation. The most common male sexual dysfunction is premature ejaculation. The ejaculatory control achieved through Domestic Discpline lengthens his staying power which makes him more confident in sex and increases your satisfaction tremendously. If his problem is that he takes too long to ejaculate, that is easily handled also. Once you are in the habit of denying him orgasms, it is easy to stop intercourse when it ceases to be pleasurable to you.

So you see, it doesn't matter how you like it, it will get better. You may be like Susan or Carol or me, or you may have a little of all of us in you. Domestic Discipline is not about spending hours dripping hot wax on your husband or hanging him from the ceiling in chains. That's S&M. If you enjoy that you can do it, but you need not. Domestic Discipline crashes through his male ego and establishes his vulnerability. Once that has been done, the barriers to intimacy are gone and the possibilities are endless.

Frequently Asked Questions

What follows are examples of some of questions I have been most frequently asked by women over the past couple of years and my responses. This entire website is actually one big answer to frequently asked questions, but this section deals with a few that I felt needed a little more explanation.

Question #1

Dear Vivian, While I am intrigued by this idea of punishing my husband and controlling his orgasms, it feels confusing and self-contradictory. On the one hand, it seems as if you are saying that I should put my husband over my knee and spank him because he really wants me to (that he gets a sexual thrill out of that) and on the other hand you're telling me to do this because he doesn't want me to (that he will change his behavior in order to avoid a spanking). I don't get it. If he wants me to do these things to him, then it seems I should only do that when he has behaved well -- as a reward. If he really wants me to deny him orgasms (that really turns him on) then I should do that as a reward rather than as a punishment. Right???

Answer #1

This question goes to the heart of Domestic Discipline. It is a paradox and can only be understood as such. It is as complex as it is simple. It has to do with the difference between fantasy and reality. For the most part our fantasies are such that we'd really like them to take place in reality. Sexual fantasies are another matter. While some of our sexual fantasies involve things we wholeheartedly want to happen, some involve things we'd really not like to happen in real life. I remember a crush I had on a teacher in high school. I had a dream one night that I was standing in front of him in his classroom wearing only my bra and panties. For months I fantasized about that. Did I really want that situation to take place? NO. It would have been humiliating for me at that time. Did the thought really turn me on? Definitely.

This is true because of the vulnerability inherent in sex. Your husband wants to be vulnerable to you. Your husband is afraid of being vulnerable to you. Your husband wants you to control him. Your husband fears being controlled by you. Your husband wants the feeling of being scolded and spanked by a strong woman. After a couple of stinging slaps to his buttocks, he does not want to be spanked further.

The fact is that he needs to accept a couple of things about marriage. ONE: that he cannot live in a marriage as if her were a bachelor -- doing what he wants when he wants. TWO: that he needs to be vulnerable to you in order to have a truly intimate relationship.

Domestic Discipline meets those needs in the only way he can fully accept. He can accept it because it uses a deeply ingrained sexual fantasy to achieve its end. When a wife attempts to control her husband without indulging this fantasy, he resents and resists her. When she controls him by accessing this fantasy, he appreciates and cooperates with her.

That said, it should be noted that there are a small percentage of men who really do enjoy the actual punishment. The more heavily masochistic man will enjoy being spanked no matter how hard you spank him. You will know your husband falls into this category if his behavior deteriorates after you initiate Domestic Discipline. While all men will test limits at times and seem to provoke discipline occasionally, you will probably find that your husband is very careful not to provoke a spanking for at least a week or so after a good hard one. They do forget how painful spankings are sometimes and need periodic reminders, but the heavily masochistic man will seem to be "asking for it" almost constantly. If your husband is like that you are better off considering the spanking to be a reward and spell out the things he needs to do in order to earn one. Most men, however, do not fall into that category.

Question #2

Dear Vivian, As I read your website I got the message that Domestic Discipline is a favor or gift I can give my husband. That part of it appeals to me as does the behavioral change that you say will take place in him. It does seem, though, that I'd need to be mean to him in order to do this. I'm not a mean person and do not enjoy the thought of being mean to my husband (I have a hard enough time when I have to punish my children). Do I have to be mean in order to do this?

Answer #2

This question also gets to the heart of things. While it is a good idea to have a sense of humor about all of this and to let him see that you find this humorous at times, there are times when you must be or appear to be very serious, very strict and very firm. If you seem to be in the humor mode all of the time, he will get the sense that you are not really in control and he will only cooperate when he feels like it. Once he gets into that habit, the positive effects of Domestic Discipline get lost.

During scoldings and/or disciplinary sessions it is important to be strict, firm and maybe even a little bit mean at times. I know this is hard for some women. That is why I suggest thinking of yourself as role-playing when it is time to administer an effective punishment or scolding. It is also why I recommend that you require your husband to thank you after he has been punished; it reinforces your sense that you have done him a favor and relieves you of the uncomfortable feeling that you may have been cold or uncaring.

Every woman, no matter how meek and mild, has the following things inside her:
A) Anger -- general and specific
B) Resentment at the things men think they can get away with
C) An impatience with bratty, immature behaviors, and
D) A need to feel in control

I suggest tapping into and giving vent to these feelings when your husband needs to be disciplined. After the discipline has been administered, you can move back into your warm, loving persona.

Question #3

Dear Vivian, I love my husband and do enjoy spending quality time on sex, but I'm a busy woman with a career and three kids. It seems that this program of Domestic Discipline would take a lot of my time and attention in order to be done right. I don't think I have the time to treat my husband as if he were another dependent in the house.

Answer #3

One of the best things about Domestic Discipline is the effect it has on your workload and your worries. This is a way to finally get your husband to do his share of work around the house and maybe a little bit of your share also to make up for the years you were doing most of his share. You gain tons of time and give very little. Think of what you could be doing with your time while he's doing the dishes, making dinner, doing the laundry and cleaning the house.

You will need to give him a different kind of attention than you're probably used to (a kind of attention that is fun to give), but it is probably not an increase in attention. You will find in Domestic Discipline that you will receive that attention back tenfold (which is far superior to the 15% or 20% that most women usually receive back from their husbands). Let me be more specific here.

In Domestic Discipline you need to show your awareness of your husband's sexual situation and his behaviors more often than you probably do now. This is not time-consuming, however. At least once a day you will want to draw your husband's attention to his sexual need for you. This can take as little or as much time as you like. Simply patting his crotch, reminding him not to masturbate, or having him present an erection to you can do it. If you have him wearing a chastity device, it may take 5 minutes or so to remove it, stimulate him and put it back on. But that's all that's necessary on those busy days. What will he be doing on those busy days in return for those few moments of attention? The dishes, the laundry, the vacuuming. Have you lost time? I don't think so.

On those days that he requires a serious session of discipline (which should not occur more than once every couple of weeks unless you want them more often), you may need to spend a couple of hours or more on his discipline. You can schedule this time and make it very enjoyable for you even if you don't enjoy actually administering the punishment as much as I do. When you schedule the punishment in advance you give him a few days to be nervous about it and you can have him plan to fix a nice dinner for you that evening. In order to minimize the severity of the punishment he will try to make it as tasty and relaxing a dinner as possible for you. After dinner you can have him do the dishes while you leisurely digest. Then you begin the punishment scene.

After the punishment scene you may or may not want sex. It's up to you. Either way he will want to show some affection to you (it's a natural submissive reaction) during the reconciliation phase. If you don't want sex you may have him give you a backrub or whatever. Remember that sex in this relationship need not include any release on his part so it can always take only the amount of time that you find enjoyable. For every two minutes you spend teasing him you get 20 minutes of ecstasy and satisfaction. It's a no-brainer!

And think of all the time you spend arguing with your husband. Domestic Discipline cuts this time by about 75%. Most arguments never get off the ground because now there is an authoritative presence in the situation -- YOU! When the two of you do argue he will be more careful about how he behaves during the argument if he knows that being excessively argumentative will earn him a punishment or a further delay of sexual release. The arguments you do have will not take as much time because he can be reminded at any time how he is to treat you.

All combined, you save at least threefold the time you invest in Domestic Disciline and you have a happier marriage to boot.

Question #4

Dear Vivian, Isn't this all just a little bit sick? Or maybe a lot sick?

Answer #4

No, it is not! I include this question because it is a common first reaction of many women when approached with the idea of Domestic Discipline. Even if the idea sounds and feels appealing to a woman, the popular notion that power exchange in sexual relationships is the stuff of serial killers and perverts causes her to reject Domestic Discipline as sick or weird. The fact is that there is nothing sick or weird about it. Power will always be a part of our sexual psyche no matter how much we try to deny it.

Although I haven't found the issue of Domestic Discipline specifically dealt with by mainstream sex advice experts, I have seen issues of sexual dominance and submission addressed by such experts. It is generally agreed that there is nothing sick or perverse in a sexual psyche that is excited by power --whether exerting it or having it exerted upon one. It is known that the centers in the brain having to do with fear, anxiety and arousal are very close to one another. This neurology is probably what is responsible for the link between domination and sexual arousal.

Question #5

Dear Vivian, There is a lot about this idea that appeals to me. The problem I see with it is that it feels as if my husband is reduced, in this scenario, to a weakling. I have a great deal of respect for my husband and I like feeling that way about him. I like to feel that my husband is strong and capable, not weak and immature.

Answer #6

Understood. I think most women are like you in this regard. I do not want a weakling or an immature child as a husband. I want a man I can be proud of. In a sense that is what Domestic Discipline (DD) is all about. We do not close our eyes to our husband’s weaknesses in order to maintain our feelings of respect for him. We deal with those weaknesses in order to make him worthy of or respect. DD is not about establishing a mother/child relationship (though the practice is sometimes referred to as "maternal discipline"). It is more like a Queen/knight relationship -- especially in public -- and like having a servant when you want one in private.

Our knights in shining armor, however, do not always behave in ways that make them worthy of the title. We make them worthy. The things your husband goes through in DD he endures for you -- his Queen. When he endures the restraint of chastity he endures it for you. When he endures the pain of corporal punishment he does so for you. When he endures the humiliation of his situation he humbles himself for you. When your friends and family see how he treats you they will envy the strength and civility your husband displays. They will only know, unless you tell them otherwise, that your husband treats you the way they wish their husbands treated them.

You will find that your husband is better able to control himself once you have begun DD. He will think better of himself for this improvement. If physical strength and attractiveness would raise him in your estimation, build exercise into your DD plan. Most men do not exercise regularly and would not only look better and be more capable, but would feel better about themselves if they did. DD improves him. It does not diminish him. Your respect for him will grow to new heights using Domestic Discipline.

Question #7

Dear Vivian, I have been practicing Domestic Discipline for seven months now and they have been the best months of my 11-year marriage. I have not, however, gone for the public humiliation aspect that you seem to advocate for three reasons. The first is that I think it would be dangerous to go to the mall and take my husband's pants down and spank him. We'd probably be arrested. The second is that I think I would probably be as embarrassed as he would be if our friends knew about this aspect of our relationship. To me it's a private matter. Thirdly, I think he would cease cooperating with me if I violated his privacy in this way.

You say that humiliation is an important element in Domestic Discipline. DD seems to be working just fine for me without it. Is it really necessary?

Answer #7

If your relationship ain't broken, I'm not going to advise you to fix it. I will take this opportunity to more clearly state my position on humiliation.

Humiliation is a central part of his DD experience even in a relationship such as yours. He is embarrassed in front of you when he is being punished. The question in DD is not whether or not humiliation is a tool, the question is how far a wife can safely go in using it. I'll address each of your three objections separately.

1) I do not advocate giving your husband a bare-bottomed spanking at the mall (though the idea sounds fun to me). I do not feel like getting my husband or myself arrested. I have used public places, however, to punish my husband. One of the most effective is having him go shopping with me and making him stand in the corner of a store, facing the corner. As I shop I can glance over and see the back of his neck turning red as he feels the eyes of customers and employees on him. When a salesperson asks him if she can help him and he has to somehow explain himself, his embarrassment is exquisite.

A safe way of using embarrassment/humiliation is another Victorian practice known as petticoating. Simply put, this involves requiring a male to wear feminine or ridiculous clothing. One subtle petticoating practice I use is to make my husband wear only pantyhose under his pants without socks or underwear. He is aware that it is possible for others to see his ankles if he sits in a certain way. This, along with the unusual feeling of the pantyhose around his hips keeps his thoughts centered on me and keeps his behavior in check.

Less subtle and more effective punitive practices involve making him wear clearly feminine or ridiculous outer garments such a dress. Just take him out to a discount clothing store or even a Salvation Army or Goodwill store and buy a couple of silly looking dresses and an apron or two that fit him. He can be made to wear them around the house when the two of you are alone or, for more serious offenses, when you have female company over to see him in his state of embarrassment. When extreme humiliation punishment is required, he can be made to wear a dress in a public place, such as a mall. This provides excruciating embarrassment without concerns about indecency.

That is, primarily, the kind of public humiliation I use. I may pull him by the ear in public to remind him of his manners or give his tush a playful spank in public, but I do not expose him in unseemly or illegal ways in public. I do put him in precarious positions for the fun of it. Once while on vacation I made him earn his orgasm by locking him out of our cabin without his clothes and telling him he would not be let in until he was wet. That meant he had to sneak a couple hundred yards in the cover of darkness to the beach and skinny dip before getting back in. The risk was there, but it was minimal. Even if he would have been seen it wouldn't have been by children or the police or anyone that knew him.

2) About being embarrassed yourself if others knew of your DD relationship. Your privacy is important and you are right to protect it. I protect mine. As you may have guessed already, my name is not really Vivian. Until the day arrives that DD is understood and accepted for what it is I will stay "Vivian." At the same time I do work toward that day by informing people via this website and through my advice service and I have "evangelized" a couple of my close friends. I have also demonstrated, with my husband, some techniques and products at a kind of Tupperware Party for Domestic Discipline. But I did that out of my home state and under the pseudonym of Vivian.

Someday I hope DD will be more accepted. Until that day I agree that we practitioners need to be jealous of our privacy.

(End of “Vivian’s Domain” "homage" & reprint.—MR)

Revisiting Vivian’s Domain, Part 6

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Revisiting Vivian’s Domain, Part 5

(Continuing archival republishing of sections of “Vivian’s Domain,” an FLR website originally hosted on Geocities.com. This installment continues Vivian’s formidable essay (addressed specifically to wives) on the theory and practice of female-led marriage, “Toward a Fantastic Marriage.”—MR)

The Specifics

American women have found it necessary to discipline their husbands since the days of the pioneers. Men are easily tempted. A good, sound spanking helps them focus their energies on the right things.

Oh, dear! This is interesting!

Now that you understand the underlying principles of Domestic Discipline and the ways it helps you, your husband, and your marriage, let's get to the fun part: the specific things you can and should do to him.

When I say fun, I mean it! This should be great fun for you, and you should indulge yourself in the rush of power you feel as you take control of your husband's submissive side. This is important because if you don't allow yourself to experience the pleasure of all this, you are cheating yourself for no reason.

As women we are taught to avoid looking as if we want or enjoy power. Women who use power are often portrayed as “bitches” in the media. Women fear being labeled “bossy.” This is the time to throw off those chains and let that inner “bitch” come through. Indulge that desire to control things. There's no reason not to. Your husband needs a wife who can be very “bossy” when she needs to be. As your husband sees that you enjoy your newfound control, he will be more turned on by you and will be more uncertain as to the lengths you will go to enforce your dominance. That is exactly what you want!

The Milieu of Domestic Discipline

The atmosphere you create on that wonderful day or night when you initiate him into his new submissive role is important. You need to be sure that your privacy is secure for at least a few hours. If you have kids, arrange for them to be somewhere else or arrange for the two of you to get away from home to a private place. It is nice for this to happen at home so you can have a few chores for him to do later. You will have already determined that your husband is willing to submit. For more on that subject, see the “How will I know?” section of this site.

Tell your husband ahead of time, and with a serious tone, that you need to have an important talk with him and that you have set this time aside for that purpose. You will have determined the behaviors for which you are going to chastise him and the rules you are going to impose. Depending upon the time of day and what only you know about your husband's body, you may want to have him take a shower before you begin. You don't want your enjoyment of this experience to be diminished by an offensive body odor.

As you begin the lecture phase, take his face in your hand and hold him by the chin and cheeks. Look directly in his eyes. Insist that he look at you. This gesture sets the tone by establishing your dominance. Once you have gained his attention this way, begin the lecture. During this phase it is best to maintain the tone of an old-fashioned scolding, the kind our grandmothers and great-grandmothers really knew how to dish out.

Gestures that should be used generously during the lecture phase are the index finger pointed at his face and the hands-on-hips posture. It is best if you are able to look down on him as you scold him. If your husband is taller than you are, command him to get on his knees for the lecture. That way you are well above him, either standing or sitting in a normal chair. You should address him as you would like to address a bratty child. Your facial expression, tone of voice and language should be scathing.

If it is not in your nature to talk this way, think of it as role-play. That is what it really is anyway. It is fun sometimes to step outside of your everyday personality. If there is a part of you that resonates with the severity of the old-fashioned schoolmarm type, let it out and enjoy your ability to express that part of yourself freely.

It is here that you list his offenses. List them directly to him and make him acknowledge each one and express his remorse. Tell him that you think he needs to be punished for these behaviors and take his face in your hand again and ask him if he agrees. He will!

Start with a minor punishment. This may be something that relates well to his offenses, such as a mouth-soaping for behaviors that involve what goes into or comes out of his mouth, such as bad language, temper tantrums, overeating, smoking, or abuse of alcohol. Or make him write an apologetic statement 100 times or more with paper and pen for offenses that involve poor manners or disrespect toward you.

Be creative. He will probably comply without much rebellion, but you'll want to make it clear that any resistance during this phase of the punishment will only “make it worse” for him later.

Next it is time for the main event—The Spanking. You can read “My Story” for a description of the milieu I created for my husband's first spanking or, better yet, you can visit The Disciplinary Wives Club and go to the section “Tips and Methods.” This is a must-visit site that is also found on my “Links” page [not available in this reprint]. At DWC Tips and Methods you will find information about milieu, attitude, implements and other information relating specifically to the punishment/spanking aspect of Domestic Discipline. I repeat: This is a must-visit site.

As you spank your husband, your tone of voice can change a little. As your actions become more harsh, your tone of voice can become softer and more understanding. Your husband will, at some point, beg you to stop spanking him. This point will help you determine how long to continue the spanking. If the offense for which he is being punished is relatively mild, consider the point at which he has begun to beg in earnest as the 3/4 mark. (It is a good idea to keep count of your strokes. You can count in your head, count out loud, or have him count out loud.)

If his behavior has been moderately reprehensible, let the point of earnest begging signal your halfway point. If his behavior has been really bad, let the point of earnest begging mark your 1/4 point. He will struggle during the spanking, but if you make even modest efforts to restrain him and keep him over your lap, he will not get up until you have permitted him. Even though he may be physically stronger than you, if the tone is set properly he will be in a submissive frame of mind and will not use his full strength to get away. When I am truly disciplining my husband I don't like to end the spanking until he is actually crying. That's when I know I've really reached him, that the lesson has hit home. It also fosters a beautiful intimacy between us. Men do no openly cry in front of others often. When his punishment makes him cry, it completes his vulnerability with me.

The most enjoyable part of the disciplinary session for many women is the period immediately following the spanking. At this point he is as submissive as a lapdog. He is often crying, is begging you for your forgiveness, and is usually on his knees. Now is the time you can be gentle with him. You can accept his apologies tenderly and reinforce the lessons he's learned with a softer tone of voice. We all have our own vocabulary for this time of forgiveness just as we all have our own way of administering a scolding. I find that asking him if he has learned his lesson, what he has learned, and extracting promises regarding future behaviors are good ways to start the reconciliation phase of correction. Remind him that it was his behavior that got him into this situation and that you do not punish unless he deserves it. Warn him that you will not hesitate to punish him again when his behavior warrant it.

After you have accepted his apology, he may think the scene is over. It is good to add a little to the punishment to let him know that while he has won your forgiveness, he has not gained any power. There are a number of things you can do now. Have him stand in the corner for a while. He is not to move and definitely not to touch his buttocks during corner time. He will want to use his hands to cool his buttocks. You'll want to forbid that. If he does it once, give him a warning. If he does it again, give him a slap across his buttocks. At this point, your bare hand can give an excruciating sting.

Instead of corner time, you can give him chores to do if you are at home. You can either keep him naked for the chores or let him wear an apron or something else that is open in the back. You don't want any soothing cloth against the skin of his butt at this time. Whether he is doing corner time or chores, you'll want to maintain visual access to him to be sure that he is not trying to cool his butt. You can sit somewhere with your cup of tea or glass of wine and read or watch TV or whatever, so long as you can give him an occasional glance and he knows that you can see him.

The Great Part

Now that the punishment is over, it is time that he give you some attention. He should verbalize his awareness of and gratitude for the attention you have just given him. Thanking you should be required of him. Thanking you for correcting him serves two important purposes. It reminds him that he is lucky to have a wife who does this for him and it reminds you that you have just been kind to him. Many women find it difficult to punish someone they love in this way. We are trained to be kind and gentle to those we love. We don't want to feel mean or unloving. His statement of thanks reminds you that you have just done him a favor rather than a disservice. After having given him all this attention, it is your turn to have attention given you.

At this point he will want to give you affection. Not only will he be attracted to you sexually because of the power you have just shown him, he will be intensely experiencing the submissive need to please you. He will want to shower you with affection from both a sexual need and a purely emotional need. He will be more responsive to your every desire now than he ever has been. So do with this time what you want.

You may want to spend some time just relaxing; having him serve you with food or beverage, rubbing your back, neck or feet while you read or watch TV or listen to music. Later you may want sex; sex that pleases you! His desire for you at this time will not be the mere desire for sexual release that it normally is. His will be a pure desire to please you without so much concern about satisfying himself. This is why you'll hear so many disciplinary wives praising the quality of sex after punishment. We receive back tenfold the attention we have just given our husbands. In “normal” marital relations we receive back about one-third.

Another advantage of the severe spanking that I failed to mention earlier is that it causes him to accept less severe punishments from you at other times. For instance, if he is using foul language around the house or has failed to complete an assigned chore in a timely fashion, you can simply take him aside for a quiet scolding and a mild punishment such as mouth-soaping, statement-writing or corner time. He will comply because he knows if he does not, a more severe punishment may follow.

For more information regarding punishments and instruments, please visit The Disciplinary Wives Club. Although I do not think it necessary for the beginner to purchase punishment implements because household items such as a hairbrush, belt or even a slipper will do just fine, if you want to buy a more specialized implement such as a paddle or cane, I encourage you to buy it from this site. It has been a wonderful resource for me and so far the only site I've found on the web that is devoted to Domestic Discipline and well-grounded in moral principle. They also have an instructional kit available with tips for both the disciplinary wife and the submitting hubby. All of the information you will need to get started is available for free at their website.

(Next installment: Conclusion of “Toward A Fantastic Marriage: How and Why Domestic Discipline Works.”)