Au876 on Financial Control, Part 2

(Continuing with a “best of” compilation from a wife-led husband who, at the turn of this century, was the mainstay of Lady Misato’s original Yahoo! Husbands’ forum. This two-parter focuses in on what Au sees as the advantages, and disadvantages, of a husband surrendering all financial control to his wife. I must say, reading these diary-type admissions came as a shock to me all those years ago. Here was a husband for whom wife-worship, or a wife-led marriage, was no fantasy, but daily reality. It was not a matter of surrendering physical control to some fantasy domina for an hour, but total control over all aspects of his daily life to the woman he loved, honored, worshipped and obeyed.)

Au876 on Financial Control, Part 2:

Did He Give Up Control, or Did She Simply Take It?

In our relationship I never have any thoughts now about what control I will give her or not. I can't recall that I ever did. She took control and I learned that submitting to her was pleasurable, rewarding and fulfilled me as a man.

A few of us have posted saying we draw the line at financial control. My wife did not give me that choice. She took financial control, she did not ask for it. However, if she controls you and you control the money, then that means she has simply delegated this to you. The wife should take control, control of all matters and the husband should obey her in all matters. She then decides what non-supervised responsibilities he is capable of and can handle as well as responsibilities that require supervision. And she gives them to him at her pleasure. All issues of control are for the woman to decide and the man to accept. We have to remember all this is about doing what our wife wants, not what we want. If she wants you to handle the finances, then that is a duty you owe her.

And you are right about the financial control. No, she didn't use physical force. I always have a choice. But if I choose against her will, it means no sexual release for six months. I have resisted twice and suffered through that. I did not resist her financial control. She is much more capable than I am and we are much better off with her in control. I understand what you are alluding too and all relationships will be different. However in my opinion it is the Wife who decides what the path for the husband will be. He can't "top from the bottom". We can discuss it, wonder about it, and use our intellect to create but in the end it is the Wife who lays down the path for the husband to follow.

Power of Attorney

You may want to consider a power of attorney. All couples should have one each for the other anyway. Both of us have signed one. I have a complete power of attorney to act in all matters on behalf of my wife. She has the same from me. We keep them in a safety deposit box. Should she become disabled, I can act on her behalf, and, of course, the same is true in reverse.
Yes, I could get the power of attorney and do as I pleased even while she is in good health. But I never would touch it without her permission or unless she became disabled. If I did, it would be the last thing I did as a married man. But it protects both of us should the need arise.

As between you and your wife, I do suggest you execute a power of attorney in her favor over all of your affairs. This gives her absolute and complete control. She can use it as she sees fit and never needs your permission for anything she wants to do. You should also be getting everything into her name alone. But before doing so, you may want to check with an attorney to make sure (depending on your assets) that you don't lose your estate exception in the event of your death because you don't have anything in your estate. That can be worked out, especially if your wife has power of attorney over any assets in your name.

Who Pays?

If we go to a fast food place, she studies the menu overhead a second, tells me what she wants, hands me money (usually a ten or twenty) and goes to take a seat. I order, get the food and bring to her. I give her the change. Sometimes she tells me to keep it or at least a portion of it. Like if she gave me a twenty and the meal was seven dollars or so, she may just take the ten and let me have the rest.
When we go to any type sit-down-and-order place to eat, we almost always pay by credit card. I take the check, look it over, add on the tip and give it to my wife who signs and gives it back to me.

As for ordering, I take my cue from her. We study the menu together. The waiter/waitress of course always asks for her order first. She gives her order. Sometimes she goes ahead and orders for me with no comment. Sometimes she asks me if I want her to order for me. I have never dared say no in front of the waiter.
Sometimes she places her order and stops. The waiter turns to me and I place my order. About half the time when I do this she will say something like, “I don't think you will like that, why don't you try so and so?” If she says that, I try what she suggests because I know she wants to sample it. If we are having wine, she always orders that.
We have been doing it this way for years. Any time we eat out, it is a pleasure for me, no cooking, no cleaning up and etc. I just take my cue from her and go with it. If we are in a real fancy upbeat place, especially if it is French or something, she always orders for both of us after we have looked over the menu together. I have a hard time even understanding some of the menu items and am grateful she does this. She knows what I like.
All this seems very normal to me. I am certainly comfortable with it. The main thing for me is to do what she wants and be a gentleman about it.

Advice and Encouragement

Until you get married, it is my opinion you should not give your girlfriend control of your finances. It is ok, even good, for her to be made fully aware of them and even to approve or disapprove of expenditures. You can heed her advice or not. But if you want to do it, then do it. If she is after your money, she will get it and dispose of you soon enough. Be prepared for that. It could really hurt. For now maybe it is best that you let her teach and guide you in financial matters. Try your best to abide by her advice and wishes. Learn from her. When you get married give yourself and all you have to her control. Once you get married it (in my opinion) changes. If she wants control of the finances, she should have it. I have never regretted (well not true) my wife having absolute financial control. It gives her a tremendous amount of power over me but I trust her and I respect the power she has. I would not want it any other way. If she takes over, I hope it is something you really want. Believe me, it will give her control that you may at times wish she didn't have and it will put you at her mercy more than you know. But, overall, I firmly recommend it.
Do you have plans to turn over financial control to her? Looks like all the other husbands here still have some if not all control in this area except for me. However, I strongly agree with all the comments that say you should handle them as your wife wants to, not as you want to.

Surrendering Too Much, Going Too Far?

All my money goes directly into her personal checking account. I have no access to it. In our state if a spouse dies the other gets a year’s support from the estate without the worry of probate or anything else.
About signing your house over to your wife. You may be able to do that without a lawyer. All you need is a quick claim deed. Sign it over then go to the court house and have it recorded. When I had to sign mine over to my wife, she did have a lawyer friend of hers provide her with the deed. I signed it and we both went to the courthouse to record it. It has been several years but it was not difficult or expensive at all. I know a few on this site disagree, but I think the wife having full and final financial control of all assets is very important. You can't be fully submissive if you can control any aspect of the finances. It is a tough thing to give up but the feeling of being completely under her authority is well worth it.

I think if I had been "screwed" by an ex-wife or two, I would certainly take steps to protect myself. I also acknowledge my wife could "screw" me. If she does I know I wouldn't let any other woman do it again if I could help it. But I have total trust in her, total. How do you handle your finances or does your wife control that also? From what I have seen posted I am one of the few men here who seem to have no actual control in this area and am forced to live on whatever allowance my wife decides is best for me.
Yes, she could take everything we have. In my mind it all belongs to her anyway. She is free to do as she pleases with it. If she took it all and left me, I could survive. I trust her to do right by me. If she doesn't, it is because she doesn't want to. That is her decision. I will live by it.

Let’s face it, odds are you will die before your wife, most men do. You do not want her to be alone with no experience in finances. Even men who are not man enough to submit to their wives should arrange to have them in control of the money or at least equal partners so she will be able to carry on.
Yes, money is power. If your wife controls it, she has that power. You have to trust her. I do. But she does as she pleases with the money. Most of the time I don't even know what that is. My biggest financial problem is trying to figure a way to get an extra $5 a week for my allowance and to avoid her reducing it if I fail to please her. I consider myself lucky to have such a small problem.

Final Thoughts

If your wife does not want complete financial control, you should not force it. The idea is to do what she wants. But regardless, it should evolve to where you don't spend any money other than your allowance without her approval. Meanwhile, she should evolve to the point where she knows she need not ask or seek your permission for anything.

We have to remember all this is about doing what our wife wants, not what we want. If she wants you to handle the finances, then that is a duty you owe her.

If your wife wants you to handle the finances, then your doing so is part of your submission to her will. In any marriage one partner is usually better suited to handling the money and that partner should be the one who has most of the responsibility (provided the wife wants it that way). If your wife wants you to handle the finances, you should.

I personally don't think any freedom you give up to favor your wife and increase your service to her should be left to fantasy. Move forward in your submission and don't be afraid to give her all the control she wants.

(End of Two-Part Posting)

Au876 on Financial Control, Part 1

There have been a couple of comments from readers strongly agreeing with the previous posting, A Short Course in Wife Worship by Au876, especially Au’s thoughts on the benefits of the wife assuming total financial control in a wife-led marriage.

There was Allen, who commented, “Her whole personality changed when she took over all financial matters, and she is really good at it. This is the part that helped her enjoy her leadership in our marriage; even more then when I do all household chores.”

And Anonymous [wife] who wrote: “I agree that financial control for the wife is the most important part of the marriage and solidifies her (my) control. This was hard for me to manage at first, but now I would not have it any other way.”

My experience was exactly like Allen’s, and I imagine (though I have not asked her) that my wife is very much of Anonymous wife’s opinion. As I wrote once in an FLR blog (re “Stripping Hubby of Independence”):

“I certainly remember, as I took the steps at work to have my direct-deposit go into her private account, that this was one of those steps from fantasy into reality, one of those major turning points. And so it has proved. For years I had read about the ‘power exchange’ inherent in FLRs or Wife-Led Marriages. Well, now I know what it means. I no longer look at my beloved bride the way I did. Whenever I think of her, whenever she is in the room or speaks, there is an aura of power that surrounds her. And, yes, it is sexy. And she knows it, too.”

So, because there seem to be some very strong reactions to this particular preachment (and no doubt some of them will be negative, which is fine), and because Au876 was my mentor in taking this step, I thought I’d post more of his writings on the topic of financial control.

Because they were posted over a period of a couple years to Lady Misato’s original Yahoo! husbands’ forum, there is a certain amount of repetition. Think of it as reinforcement.

And now, Au876 on Financial Control, Part 1:

How It All Started

My wife didn't start with financial control. But once she had more or less taken charge of most aspects of our marriage (with my encouragement), she did take over financial control. Once she did that, probably for the first time I felt completely under her control. It was both scary and exciting. Now it is just accepted. Looking back, it was about 10 years ago our power transfer started. My wife opened her own checking account and announced her paycheck would go there from now on. Since I couldn't write a check on that account, we agreed she'd take over the bill paying (my check went to our joint account).
Less than a year later she closed our joint account and told me to arrange for direct deposit of my check to her account. This was a problem for me, but she finally convinced me it was the thing to do. She began making all the financial decisions, often with no input from me.
I was surprised how at much better off we were. She put me on a small allowance. I found myself stress-free from money worries. My biggest concern was to save money from my allowance to buy her a surprise present now and then.
Money like sex is power. I began taking on household chores to gain her favor and thus hopefully earn a bonus. After I did a chore two or three times, it suddenly became “my chore” and if I didn't do it she might cut my allowance or she might refuse sex, saying I had not done my chores.
Strive hard to live within the allowance she sets. Strive to save some back so you can buy her a present now and then. It may not be much, but she will know you had to cut back on your own pleasures to afford it.

It was good to hear your wife has taken over the money and checkbook. My wife gradually took charge of our finances over a period of time. The day she had me close our joint checking account, deposit all the money into her personal account and have my paycheck deposited there was a real turning point in our relationship. Us guys seem to equate money with power. I was put in the position of having to ask her for money every time I needed some. I really felt her power especially when she said no.
She put me on an allowance sometime later she said to keep me from bugging her and to teach me how to manage what I had better. It was actually a relief and ego builder for me to have some freedom even if the amount was not much.

Living Under Her Financial Control

I did control the finances in the beginning. However, my wife wanted control and took control. There are times I wish it were not so but it is also comforting to be under the security of her control.

My wife does have absolute control of all our finances. There are times I wish she didn't and it puts me under her control to a large degree. However, she is the better investor and we are much better off than when I was handling matters. We are aware of the tax situations and have set things up to take advantage of all the breaks. In addition I am her major financial advisor. In fact ,she insists I study and learn so she can ask questions and get answers without having to do research herself. I also pay all the bills, balance her accounts monthly and keep all the records for her review. All she does is sign the checks.

It is a good first step for your wife to open her own account. You cannot truly submit as long as you have any control or power with the finances. When she has total control of the family finances, you will both feel the relationship has reached what you desire.
My wife now has total control of all our assets. My check goes by direct deposit into her account, and I am given an allowance, which she sets and adjusts as she sees fit. I am not allowed nor do I ever question any decisions she makes about finances (or anything else for that matter).

I cannot do anything financially without my wife's signing off on it. She can do as she pleases and needs no consent from me. However, she insists I stay abreast of the financial markets, be prepared to give her good opinions when asked and be able to discuss matters with her.

Don't be afraid to give her complete and absolute control. Abide by her decisions. Do not argue with her. Do as much of the mundane paperwork as she wants you to do. Never question her but strive to make her decisions work just as you would do for your boss where you work.
She should and must be free to do as she pleases with the finances. She is in control. Adore her and work for her. Let her know you appreciate her.
Assure her you will not question anything she does and her decisions on financial matters are final. If she wants your opinion she can ask for it and she knows that. But when you give your opinion, give it humbly and be glad she has asked for it. Never, never get upset when she does not use your opinion.

If you are still working on a budget, listen to her carefully. If there are any areas of dispute, then her idea, word or suggestions should be final. In the future if you wish to purchase a "big" item, discuss it with her and LISTEN to her then abide by what she thinks.
My wife uses me a lot for counseling on money matters. As a matter of fact I have to stay abreast of all sorts of financial areas so I can give her good counsel. My job is to give her the best counsel I can (when she ask for it). Hers is to make the decisions.
If she doesn't ask, I am to remain silent. Last night she got a call from a political party asking for money. She told them she'd have to think about it and to call back next week. When she got off the phone I volunteered that I didn't think we should give them any money. She looked at me hard and said "I don't recall asking for your opinion". Now in some households that may start an argument. But I felt dressed down. I had overstepped my bounds and she let me know she didn't appreciate it. I offered my apology and spent the rest of the evening catering to her even more than normal.

I am a strong believer in the idea that the person who controls the money has the real power, be it spoken or not. Yet wifeworship is not about power. It is about service to your wife, yielding to her will, tending to her needs and most of all obeying her at all times. Well, I guess if you do that for her, it means she does have the power. I for one enjoy my wife being in control of all aspects of my life. It is easy to worship her. She demands it, expects it, and has ways to enforce it.

Serving as Her Financial Secretary

There is a lot work in handling the finances. The bookkeeping, bill-paying check-writing, record savings and researching for investments. Your wife may want to handle all or part of this herself. However, you can serve as her financial secretary in whatever capacity she wants. I get all the bills ready for payment, write the checks for my wife and, after she signs them, I prepare the bills for mailing. I do everything except sign the checks.
If she doesn't want me to see a bill, I don't see it, but there is no reason for her to hide one from me. I consider myself to be well informed on financial matters. My wife often has me gather information on an investment she may be considering or do other research, such as comparing prices. She often asks my opinion. When she does, she expects an informed opinion. However, after I present what she has asked for, she makes the decisions. Sometimes I never know what they are.
On occasion my wife has asked me to read some investment material she had and give her my opinion or do some further research for her. I do this, give it to her in writing and never ask what she decided. She may or may not tell me later, but I have been asked for an opinion and that by itself thrills me.
About three years ago my wife wanted to change brokers. She told me to come up with a list of several for her to talk with. I talked with friends and etc., and came up with seven of them. My wife then told me exactly what she was looking for in a broker and instructed me to talk with each of them. I did and reported back to her my opinion of each. Based on that she cut the list down to three and had me set up her meeting with each of them. I did. I took her to meet each one and waited while she interviewed them. She was pleased with all three and selected one of them. She told me I had done a great job and saved her a lot of time and effort. It was clear to me she had trusted my judgment. I was active in the selection process.
Financial control by the wife does not mean she has to do all the mundane work of bill paying, keeping track of stuff and etc. She can delegate that to you just like she can delegate anything else to you.
I do all the mundane financial chores such as preparing the bills for payment (she only signs the checks), balancing her accounts, researching for her investments when she tells me and giving her detailed reports whenever she says.

Living on an Allowance

Let her set your allowance (you can have input, but her decision is final). If you need extra money for something, hopefully you will be allowed to ask for it and present your case. You will find this hard to do and accept, having to ask your wife for money.
If she says yes, that is great, but what if she says no? You cannot argue with her. You cannot make her feel bad for saying no. You cannot pout. You have to cheerfully accept her decision even if you don't understand it.
If my wife says no (and she does a lot more often than she says yes), I still find it hard to accept. However, we have reached a compromise. I am allowed to bring the request back to her in six months if I still feel I need whatever I asked for.
You will find she may surprise you with some extra money now and then or a special present of something you really want (and she may have told you no earlier).
If you want to become more subservient to her, you might want to consider offering to do things if she will pay you more money. $5 is a mighty small amount to get by on per week. I get $25 and can hardly manage. Ask her if she will pay you an additional amount if you start doing the laundry and build on it from there. A couple of years ago I wanted something that cost $150. My wife said no. A few weeks later I asked her if I could do something to earn the extra money. We talked back and forth awhile and she finally agreed she would "credit" me with $2 an hour for doing extra personal chores for her. I kept a record by minutes and we actually had a lot of fun with both of us thinking up things for me to do, her checking the record every day and etc. Once I got close to the required amount, she started getting strict about it being an extra and even started deducting items to punish me for failing to do something I should have done. “Raising the bar?” As I said, it became fun. I got what I wanted. A big bonus was I discovered some of the personal things she wanted done she hadn't brought up before and they are now a regular part of our relationship.
I sometimes wish I weren't on an allowance and/or had more say so with our finances. However, you sure feel the depths of submission (and its pleasures) when you are truly dependent upon your wife's good will for whatever money you have.

To me the worst part is being on a small allowance and her having the ability to "punish" me by reducing it whenever she sees fit. However, she also rewards me at times with extra money and I have learned to really appreciate that. I totally trust her to do what is right for me.

Are you guys on an allowance? If so how much do you get (if that is not too personal). I get $25 a week for spending money and do not have to account for any of it. When I have to buy anything for the house (i.e., groceries and etc.), she gives me a signed check and or lets me use her charge card. She always checks to make sure I have not padded the purchases to get extra money.
I often find it hard to get by with this amount. This Saturday when she was giving me my allowance I suggested she should raise it. I had been broke the last three days. (But I had not gone into the money I save back to buy her presents.) In response she said I was not spending wisely and just needed to learn how to be more thrifty. She reduced my allowance to $20 a week for the next month, saying when I learned to live on that, the $25 would seem like a lot.
I am not upset. No need to be, that won’t help. I was just wondering if anyone else had experience in this matter. How did you get a raise??

April 1st was a year since she last reviewed my allowance. I approached her about giving me more money. She told me to write down as best I could remember how I spent my money and keep up with everything I spent for the next three weeks and let her see it. It wasn't real hard keeping up with $25. Saturday night I gave her my report. She said she'd look it over and decide what to do or change if anything.
Last night she said she was raising my allowance to $50 a week! I couldn't hardly believe it. I was hoping for a raise but not that much. But the best was yet to come. After I near fell over myself in gratitude, she gave me $200 in cash and said to spend it all on myself, not to buy her anything.
I feel like I am the luckiest man in the world. I have a wife I adore and worship. I love to serve her and take care of her. I know she loves me and appreciates what I do for her. She shows me that near every day. I told her how much I loved her and that I would always do whatever she said. She said she knew that and she loved me too.

Buying Her Presents

I have very little money to get her anything for Christmas. But this has given me an opportunity to be creative. I am developing a plan to wrap up something, maybe a poem I'll write, to say I am quitting my job and coming to work for her. She will be my boss both at home and at work. It is hard to believe how totally dependent I am upon her and how much I love it.
When my wife and I were dating I would surprise her with little gifts every couple of weeks. Nothing expensive or fancy, just something I thought she would like. This continued (on less frequent intervals) for a while after we got married. However, after she took charge of our finances and put me on an allowance, I wasn't able to afford to continue this. Actually it had almost stopped by then anyway. Now it is a challenge to save up enough to buy her gifts on major occasions. All though this will be easier since my [allowance] raise (I hope). I do leave her notes of love and appreciation a lot. I may have it by her coffee cup, put it her purse, under or pillow or some other place I know where I know she will find it.
She gives me little gifts now. It might be a bottle of men's cologne), or as major as one she gave me last year which was a $100 gift certificate to the drug store where I usually buy pedicure supplies. I often wish I could buy her little things but she knows I can't afford to and I think she appreciates the notes just as much if not more.
This is in reply to your question of how I could buy my wife expensive gifts. I can't. There is no way possible because I do not have free access to any remotely large sum of money. Yes, if she wants something, she buys it and I must say she does not hesitate to splurge on herself. Before she took control of the finances I would buy her right expensive gifts from time to time. She appreciated them but often exchanged them for what she really wanted.
Now she buys what she really wants. But the big plus is how much more she appreciates the gifts I do buy for her. It may be an inexpensive sweater, some new underwear, candy or even flowers from time to time, but she knows I have had to save back from my allowance to make the purchase and she knows I have given up some pleasures for myself to please her. She seems to appreciate them
much more than she did expensive gifts that caused me little hardship.

I have very little business travel. When I do, I am paid a daily amount by the company for meals and my room is charged to the company. Therefore this does not present a control problem for my wife. I usually am able to return some of the daily money allowed to her, but she does not ask me to account for it. She is a good woman.

(End Part One, to be continued…)

A Short Course in Wife Worship by Au876

It was the pink-backdropped website of Real Women Don’t Do Housework that first unveiled for me the magical world of wife worship. And Fumika Misato, the creative genius behind RWDDH, was responsive to my early emails.

But it all remained an enticing dream until my first contact with a man actually living the wife-worship life on a day-to-day basis. That man, the mainstay and unofficial moderator of Misato’s original Husbands Forum, was known simply as Au876.

"Au" initiated topics and impromptu surveys, he posed provocative questions, he provided almost daily candid glimpses into his own wife-led world, and he responded to the frequent questions from the rest of us with unfailing enthusiasm and encouragement.

For several years he did all this, until he vanished into cyberspace. Without his considerable outreach, I believe wife worship would have remained pure fantasy for me, and for many others. Because of him, I knew it was real, and could be real for me, too. As it has become.

I have frequently quoted "Au," but it occurs to me that I might occasionally include some longer-form samples of his unique perspective on his chosen lifestyle.

I begin with an essay, nearly 1,000 words, that appeared more than a decade ago on a website that was called, as I recall, “Aunty Vera’s Females in Control.” It’s long gone, though perhaps retrievable on the Internet Archive Wayback Machine. I can’t verify at the moment, as I’m at work and those keywords are blocked!

Now sit back and enjoy a generous helping of Au876:

A Short Course in Wife Worship

A lot of men have written The Forum who are apparently in a vanilla relationship and are asking how they can get their wife to take control. I would like to address that issue.

First of all, if you as a man really want your wife in control, you have already taken the first long step. Where there is a will, there is a way.

Secondly, you must realize most women are not into the fetish part of female domination. It is unrealistic to expect your wife to start spanking you, to wear black leather boots and kick you in the butt if you don't obey her.

But most if not all women love to be pampered, adored, worshipped and listened to. Therefore if you want to taste the sweet fruit of submitting to your wife and having her in control, then pamper, adore, worship and listen to her.

Pamper her by taking over all the household chores. All of them! A Female In Control should never do any housework. Just tell her you have decided you should do all the housework and it is your goal to accomplish this within say three months.

She will probably have to teach you how to do things like the laundry, ironing, menu planning and cooking. But even a man can learn to clean a bathroom till it sparkles, vacuum, mop, dust, pick up messes, sweep, make beds, change sheets and a host of other mundane but necessary chores without supervision. Run her errands (now your errands) to save her the time and stress involved.

She may not believe you, so you will have to work hard to prove you are serious. You may be surprised how quickly she will let go and how eagerly she will teach you what you don't know.

Adore her by your actions and your words. Never miss a chance to tell her how beautiful she is, how smart she is and how much you cherish her. Rub her feet at night. Give her pedicures, fold her nightgown, clean her hair brush (daily), rub her back, tend her bath (for example a simple thing like bringing her a hot towel to dry off with is little trouble and yet very sweet).

When you are in public let your adoration spill over. Treat her like a lady at all times. Open doors for her, stand when she enters a room, don't interrupt her and be quick to tell everyone, anyone how special she is.

Worship her by treating her with the utmost respect, always putting her needs, wants and pleasures above your own and never expecting anything in return. The sheer joy of putting her first is your reward.

This is especially true in the bedroom. Sex should be when, where and how she says and strictly for her pleasure. Become an expert giving her oral sex and be willing to give it at anytime and anyplace. Never, never force yourself upon her or try to penetrate her. If she wants intercourse with you, she will let you know.

Listen to her. Her word is final. If in the past you have argued with her, failed to consult with her or not paid any attention to what she has said, then let the past become a distant memory. From this point forward your wife's word is the law. If she allows you input or seeks your opinion, then give it but otherwise you do as she says. Do it joyfully and with pride.

Don't question her decisions. If they prove to be wrong, never say anything. In fact you should take the blame.

In the few months you have taken to accomplish the above you should have noticed a huge change in your relationship. Your wife is more assertive, more decisive and more confident of your love.

You have probably heard her bragging on you to her friends and, believe me, she has, even if you haven't heard her.

If you haven't already done it, now is the time to turn over all financial control to your wife. Your paycheck should be direct-deposited into her personal checking account.

You may think your wife can't or does not want to handle the money. Odds are you are dead wrong. Once she has the control you will be amazed at her expertise and how this assumption of power will cement her control over you.

Three months after my wife took over she got “tired” of my having to ask her for money. She put me on an allowance. I thought it was way too little but she didn't. She did agree to review it every six months. It is a real taste of submission knowing she can and does spend the money as she sees fit without any input or questions from me while I have to subsist on a small allowance that she allows me.

The Female In Control lifestyle can be yours if you really want it. It may not be the way you want. It may not be sexually rewarding and your wife may not feed your fetishes.

You have to get over the idea it should do those things. Her being in control is exactly what it says it is. You submit to her will, you obey her, you work for and serve her and devote yourself to her with all your heart and soul.

The joy of submitting to her will far exceed your expectations. As she grows used to her new role, she will consolidate her power and probably set forth in some fashion guidelines and principles for you to adhere to. She may even devise ways to punish you. But no matter what she does, you comply, you obey and you take it like a man.
—Au876
June, 2000

Goddess Worship, Sacred and Profane

“If you want your wife to be a Goddess, worship her.”—Clairette de Longvilliers

I will never forget the first time I came upon Lady Misato’s likening of “wife worship” to classic courtship behavior. It was a mind-blowing revelation for me. Lifelong impulses that I had vainly tried to suppress, and that I had given into repeatedly in secret, furtive spasms, were suddenly redeemed. All those bizarre S&M images, associated in my psyche with shrinkwrapped, verboten magazines in back aisles of sleazy bookstores, were transformed into romantic storybook images of ladies fair and knights errant.

Thanks to Lady Misato, I could see myself as the knight, with my wife enthroned as my queen. Instead of hiding all my submissive yearnings from her, I was free to integrate them into my marriage.

A couple years back in this blog, in a posting titled “Swagger vs. Grovel,” I wrote that guys hanging out at strip clubs were actually practicing goddess worship, whether they knew it or not. I conjured a typical topless-bar tableau, with male patrons “packed shoulder to shoulder in the stage-side seats, gaping up in idolatrous awe and hanging their hard-earned cash along the railing. These are offerings to the prancing priestesses on high, who do the strutting and swaggering, affording the acolytes below only sneak peeks into forbidden paradise.”

I wasn’t making this up. In my bachelor daze, I had been one of those guys at the rail, or maybe sitting farther back, peeling off fives and tens and twenties I couldn’t afford as tribute to these tease-queens.

For awhile there I got pretty obsessive-compulsive about it. I wasn’t really looking to date a stripper—though that did happen once or twice—as for a goddess to worship. That didn't happen, but I did donate major portions of my minor earnings. I was lucky, looking back, that this all happened pre-Internet. Otherwise I would have been a prime candidate to become the moneyslave of some Web-savvy succubus.

My point in the earlier posting about strip clubs was stated this: “Goddess worship could hardly be more explicit, nor the imbalance of power between male supplicant and dominant female more visible. Vive la différence!”

And I didn’t, and don’t mean “Goddess worship” figuratively. For many guys, including me, there is a religious component to this adoration and apotheosis of the female. Kneeling and genuflection, obeisance, even groveling and foot-kissing, all these are religious postures hallowed by history and tradition. What is often termed “sub-space,” that intoxicating submissive rush experienced by some males in moments of surrender to a dominant female, can also be viewed as a legitimate variety of mystical experience.

Might it not be akin to the submissive ecstasy experienced by a monk or fakir enduring penance or self-flagellation while contemplating the Divine Feminine or the Goddess Mother?

Whether these masculine prostrations and devotions are sacred or profane, carried out in a sacred shrine, a candlelit chapel, a roadside strip club or behind the closed doors of a wife-led marriage, my hunch is that all qualify as goddess worship, pure and simple.

And what better way to start the day for any man blessed to live with a goddess? As Elise Sutton advised one husband in regard to his wife: “You should worship her and adore her every day.”Or, as one husband put it: “I am so lucky to have her to serve, obey and please every day of my life!”

The Secret Brotherhood, Part 2

“There is a brotherhood of man…

Keep a-giving each brother all you can.

Oh aren’t you proud to be / In that fraternity…”

—Frank Loesser, “Brotherhood of Man,”

from How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying

In this Internet Age, submissive men, like birds of every other feather, are able to flock together at virtual gathering spots. Online “Cheers!” bars, I called them in an earlier posting (“Boys Night Out, Part 2”), where the regulars always know your cybername.

Here, to quote myself on an earlier posting, submissives gather to get their daily dose of “reinforcement, reassurance, feed-back, occasional cautionary words-to-the-wise and a wealth of been-there-tried-that ideas for taking the lifestyle up a notch.”

All extremely therapeutic and needful, according to female supremacist psychologist Paige Harrison: “I encourage all sub males to begin to make efforts to contact one another and begin to bond together just as Women do to discuss their mutual interests and concerns. Submissive males should become known to each other and share their feelings and experiences.”

What exactly do we “share” in these ad hoc support groups? Some guys tend to exhaustive self-analysis, dredging into why they are the way they are. I prefer the pragmatic and inspirational, trading tips on ways to be even more devoted and useful to my wife—to be, in other words, even more the way I am. Luckily for me, there are plenty of husbands and boyfriends similarly disposed, like this guy, from Lady Misato’s original Wife Worship Forum, greeting a newbie:

“Welcome! Get a cup of coffee, sit back and read all the posts to this forum from the beginning. You’ll soon see you’re not alone! Keep serving your wife, putting her first. Listen intently when she speaks and do everything she says.”

Another charter member, Au876, put it this way: “I too very much enjoy all the postings and knowing other husbands find joy in serving their wives. I am glad to be here and am thankful for our Founder [Lady Misato] having the grace to set up a site where men on the cutting edge can discuss, ex-change and even daydream. It is great to have a place where I, and we, can get it off our chest and know we are understood by those that read our post.”

With the female-led movement gathering momentum, you will find more and more submissive guys moving from guilt to pride in regard to their lifestyle. Calmly they are asserting that serving one’s wife, worshipping her, following her lead, all are “natural.” You will find articulate examples of this in the opening comments to the previous post on this topic.

Here are a couple more: “Far from being ashamed of all the things I do for her around the house, and in the bedroom and boudoir, my greatest joy and fulfillment is to serve her with all the adoration and respect that she deserves.”

“I want people to notice. I used to be ashamed of it or would hide it. If I was ironing, I would act like it wasn't me ironing. The same with laundry or cleaning. I've since grown up and said, ‘You know what, I should be proud of helping out’ and I've since stopped worrying about what others think. I beam with pride when someone makes a comment about how great my wife is treated.”

A few more for good measure:

“Hopefully, we can reach a point where a submissive man who is pledged to a woman is viewed as someone special. This will come, of course, if and when women continue their ascent in the world of politics, business, the academy, etc.”

“If my wife wants to leaves clues of the nature of our relationship for our friends to see, I think she must feel empowered by it. And that makes me feel wonderful. It also makes me think that she must not feel any shame about having a submissive husband. That makes me happy.”

“I feel best about myself when submitting to my wife, and when I am allowed to exhibit this deference to her when around others I am not embarrassed. Often, others may see me serving coffee and dessert and then returning to clean up the dinner dishes while she enjoys their company, be they women, couples or men friends.”

These prideful voices are not just from the male chorus. Wives and other female authority figures are even more forceful:

“As women get more power, they may head their families; there is no shame in admitting who the head of the house is. I do not beat or whip my husband. He freely chose his role; his submission to me is an honor he feels I deserve.”

Kathy, of the estimable femdom101 blog, has often stated that a man should be proud to follow his wife’s lead:

“There are a lot of men in the world who need the guidance of a strong, smart woman. Society has taught men that this is something to be ashamed up. In my view the world will be a better place when men will be able to speak freely and openly about their submissive needs.”

“Society has programmed men with idea that they should be head of the house and leaders in society. The more modern, mature man will be more willing to admit to the world that his wife is head of his house, and he is proud to be her helpmate.”

“[A man] should be able to tell his family that his wife will be the head of house and the boss in their relationship. He should be willing to take routine instructions from his wife regardless of who is present. “

Ms. Barbara, who operates her own tease-and-deny female-led Yahoo! Group, puts it this way:

“There is nothing wrong with being a submissive male.... just be proud of it guys and we will like it! Pride and submissiveness are no contradiction. [My husband] manages to make me happy and I think that he's got a right to be proud of that. That is the kind of pride every man should strive for, i.e. making a woman happy...first and foremost.”

She’s so effervescent I can’t resist a refill: “My hubby wears the badge of being pussy-whipped quite proudly. I think that maybe, just perhaps, submission to a woman starts much earlier than the courting ages, yes? How about a small boy's love for his mom? I would think a mother's impression upon her son would be quite strong and his desire to please her is natural and uninhibited.”

I will close with what I regard as the clearest, most eloquent and certainly the most concise rationale of male submission in regard to the opposite sex. Its author, a frequent contributor to FLR boards and occasionally to this blog, signs himself “Ken Brix”:

“Indeed, one should never feel ashamed of one's submissive feelings to a woman. Love, in other words, is submissive.”

The Secret Brotherhood, Part 1

"Oh aren't you proud to be
In that fraternity,
The great big Brotherhood of Man?"

—Frank Loesser, “Brotherhood of Man,”
from How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying

Do secret societies exist outside the fanciful plots of Dan Brown? Well, I know of at least one, because I belong to it. It’s pretty secret. Unlike the Illuminati or the ancient Freemasons, Hollywood hasn’t made a movie about us. Maybe because the members of this super-esoteric brotherhood don’t plot the overthrow of anything, don’t dress up in silly costumes, don’t have secret recognition signals (or, if they do, I missed the memo); they don’t hold conventions, conclaves or covens. They don’t seem to meet at all, except in cyberspace.


I’m talking about the secret fraternity of submissive males—in particular the sub-husband chapter thereof.

It’s a huge cohort, I’m convinced. Maybe, all these years post-Gay Liberation, we’re the largest collection of guys still closeted and fearful of being outed.


Before the miraculous advent of the World Wide Web, who could have guessed at our number? Each potential member must have assumed he was uniquely deviant in his submissive-to-the-opposite-sex yearnings. Now we are discovering that we are part of a great submissive beta-male tribe, at least a statistical subset of normalcy.

Is it safe to come out of the closet? Hardly. Even those of us who blog about our desire to be female-led usually hide behind cyber-monikers. Like “Mark Remond,” or “John,” the admirable fellow who subtitles his blog, “I’m SubmissiveProud."

I doubt we could muster many foot soldiers of our hidden army to march down Fifth Avenue, say, under a banner proclaiming “Submale Pride” or “Henpecked, Pusywhipped & Proud of It!”

Yet, like gayfolk or other sub-rosa groups, we submissive guys yearn to be socially accepted. By our wives, first and foremost, of course, but also by society. We’re not militant about it—not docile us!—but wouldn’t it be awfully nice to stop hiding who we really are from everyone, including, often, ourselves?

As one submissive husband put it eloquently: “Closets are for clothes, not relationships.”

And another: “To have this special relationship that I have with my wife gives me a sense of pride. It's like our own little secret. But even though most people would consider this lifestyle to be deviant and twisted, I see it as a beautiful, totally normal thing, and therefore I don't have to be ashamed of it at all.”

So we even hide our pride, and shame prevails. We know too well the buckets of contempt waiting to be dumped on us, not only by other guys (many of them perhaps “latent” or “repressed” submissives themselves), but by too many women. We dare not reveal what we do, or dream of doing, behind closed doors. Yes, behind the bedroom door, but also in the kitchen, bathroom, and laundry room.

Sure, it’s acceptable for a guy to moon over a girl he’s courting, or make a romantic fool of himself as honeymooner or newlywed. But what about some long-married guy who fold his wife’s nightgown, warms her bath towels, paints her toenails?

We of the Secret Brotherhood may not practice the only love that dare not speak its name, but we’re definitely in the non-conversation. In fact, our married members often agonize for years before revealing our submissive side to our own wives. How or when or if to do so remains a perennial topic on our clandestine message boards, which serve as a virtual support group of wife-led husbands alongside those who wannabe.

I don’t mean this to sound tongue-in-cheek. Without the friendship and encouragement of my secret submissive brothers, via Internet groups or message boards and emails, I would not have been able to persevere and eventually succeed in my second courtship of my wife and win her heart anew.

In a follow-on post, I'd like to share a few testimonials from other husbands who have been helped by their secret brothers.

As one of my pseudonymous mentors, “fdhousehusband,” put it: “We are all in this together.”

Revisiting Vivian’s Domain, Part 7

(This installment concludes my archival republishing of sections of “Vivian’s Domain,” an FLR website originally hosted on Geocities.com.—MR)

About Sex

The great thing about sex in a marriage that includes Domestic Discipline is that it gets better in whatever way you want it to. Think about your sexual fantasies, the things you've never told your husband about for fear of what he'd think of you or for fear that he'd either reject you or the idea. Now you have the freedom to let your husband know what you want in sex without fear. You have that freedom because of his vulnerability.

Think about it. He has just allowed himself to be bare-bottomed spanked by you, you have humiliated him, restricted his access to his own genitals, and he is kneeling naked before you begging for an orgasm. Do you think anything you tell him about your sexual desires is going to sound “too weird” for him? I don't think so! When it comes to sex you can have whatever you want no matter what your preferred styles of sex are. Let me give you a few examples.

Me

I am a natural for Domestic Discipline because I enjoy having and using sexual power. I get a thrill from sexually dominating my husband. I enjoy forcing his face into my crotch for oral sex. I enjoy being on top during intercourse, talking to him, warning him about what will happen if he cums before I've said he may. When we roll over, I enjoy the way he winces and whines when I use my riding crop to reinforce my directions that he speed up or slow down. My husband, of course, enjoys these things too. I also enjoy punishing him when he has not performed to my standards. We are a perfect fit in this regard.

My Friend Susan

When it comes to sexual enjoyment and ingrained fantasies, Susan is the opposite. She wants to be dominated in bed. She wants her man to be strong and forceful in sex. She likes to resist a little and be gently but convincingly overpowered. She enjoys being playfully spanked herself during foreplay. One may think it difficult for her to be dominant in Domestic Discipline and submissive in sex. In fact, it works out very well for her.

After a disciplinary session, Susan tells her husband what she wants from him in sex and that certain privileges, rewards and punishments will be tied to his performance. Susan had been married 15 years before discovering Domestic Discipline. In all those years she had never been able to tell her husband what she wanted in sex for fear of embarrassment or rejection.

Once she had made him totally vulnerable to her in Domestic Discipline, she was able to tell him without such fears. He was delighted to find out how to please her better. She tells me her sex life is 100 times better than it ever has been. She gets her playful spankings during foreplay and he gets his serious spankings during disciplinary sessions. It works out wonderfully. She has even come to enjoy the power she feels when disciplining him and laying down the law and looks forward to disciplinary sessions.

My Friend Carol

Carol is more conventional in bed. She wants her man to woo her with romance, flowers, candlelight dinners, and long, luxurious foreplay. She wants her man's undivided attention during sex, wants him gazing into her eyes and telling her how beautiful she is and how much he loves and cherishes her. That is how sex was for her during her first year of marriage. Over the following eleven years it changed. It became mechanical, boring and void of passion.

Like Susan, once Carol initiated Domestic Discipine with her husband she was able to tell him what she wanted and he had the energy and motivation to give it to her. Her sex life also dramatically improved and continues getting better.

Another factor that improves sex is control over ejaculation. The most common male sexual dysfunction is premature ejaculation. The ejaculatory control achieved through Domestic Discpline lengthens his staying power which makes him more confident in sex and increases your satisfaction tremendously. If his problem is that he takes too long to ejaculate, that is easily handled also. Once you are in the habit of denying him orgasms, it is easy to stop intercourse when it ceases to be pleasurable to you.

So you see, it doesn't matter how you like it, it will get better. You may be like Susan or Carol or me, or you may have a little of all of us in you. Domestic Discipline is not about spending hours dripping hot wax on your husband or hanging him from the ceiling in chains. That's S&M. If you enjoy that you can do it, but you need not. Domestic Discipline crashes through his male ego and establishes his vulnerability. Once that has been done, the barriers to intimacy are gone and the possibilities are endless.

Frequently Asked Questions

What follows are examples of some of questions I have been most frequently asked by women over the past couple of years and my responses. This entire website is actually one big answer to frequently asked questions, but this section deals with a few that I felt needed a little more explanation.

Question #1

Dear Vivian, While I am intrigued by this idea of punishing my husband and controlling his orgasms, it feels confusing and self-contradictory. On the one hand, it seems as if you are saying that I should put my husband over my knee and spank him because he really wants me to (that he gets a sexual thrill out of that) and on the other hand you're telling me to do this because he doesn't want me to (that he will change his behavior in order to avoid a spanking). I don't get it. If he wants me to do these things to him, then it seems I should only do that when he has behaved well -- as a reward. If he really wants me to deny him orgasms (that really turns him on) then I should do that as a reward rather than as a punishment. Right???

Answer #1

This question goes to the heart of Domestic Discipline. It is a paradox and can only be understood as such. It is as complex as it is simple. It has to do with the difference between fantasy and reality. For the most part our fantasies are such that we'd really like them to take place in reality. Sexual fantasies are another matter. While some of our sexual fantasies involve things we wholeheartedly want to happen, some involve things we'd really not like to happen in real life. I remember a crush I had on a teacher in high school. I had a dream one night that I was standing in front of him in his classroom wearing only my bra and panties. For months I fantasized about that. Did I really want that situation to take place? NO. It would have been humiliating for me at that time. Did the thought really turn me on? Definitely.

This is true because of the vulnerability inherent in sex. Your husband wants to be vulnerable to you. Your husband is afraid of being vulnerable to you. Your husband wants you to control him. Your husband fears being controlled by you. Your husband wants the feeling of being scolded and spanked by a strong woman. After a couple of stinging slaps to his buttocks, he does not want to be spanked further.

The fact is that he needs to accept a couple of things about marriage. ONE: that he cannot live in a marriage as if her were a bachelor -- doing what he wants when he wants. TWO: that he needs to be vulnerable to you in order to have a truly intimate relationship.

Domestic Discipline meets those needs in the only way he can fully accept. He can accept it because it uses a deeply ingrained sexual fantasy to achieve its end. When a wife attempts to control her husband without indulging this fantasy, he resents and resists her. When she controls him by accessing this fantasy, he appreciates and cooperates with her.

That said, it should be noted that there are a small percentage of men who really do enjoy the actual punishment. The more heavily masochistic man will enjoy being spanked no matter how hard you spank him. You will know your husband falls into this category if his behavior deteriorates after you initiate Domestic Discipline. While all men will test limits at times and seem to provoke discipline occasionally, you will probably find that your husband is very careful not to provoke a spanking for at least a week or so after a good hard one. They do forget how painful spankings are sometimes and need periodic reminders, but the heavily masochistic man will seem to be "asking for it" almost constantly. If your husband is like that you are better off considering the spanking to be a reward and spell out the things he needs to do in order to earn one. Most men, however, do not fall into that category.

Question #2

Dear Vivian, As I read your website I got the message that Domestic Discipline is a favor or gift I can give my husband. That part of it appeals to me as does the behavioral change that you say will take place in him. It does seem, though, that I'd need to be mean to him in order to do this. I'm not a mean person and do not enjoy the thought of being mean to my husband (I have a hard enough time when I have to punish my children). Do I have to be mean in order to do this?

Answer #2

This question also gets to the heart of things. While it is a good idea to have a sense of humor about all of this and to let him see that you find this humorous at times, there are times when you must be or appear to be very serious, very strict and very firm. If you seem to be in the humor mode all of the time, he will get the sense that you are not really in control and he will only cooperate when he feels like it. Once he gets into that habit, the positive effects of Domestic Discipline get lost.

During scoldings and/or disciplinary sessions it is important to be strict, firm and maybe even a little bit mean at times. I know this is hard for some women. That is why I suggest thinking of yourself as role-playing when it is time to administer an effective punishment or scolding. It is also why I recommend that you require your husband to thank you after he has been punished; it reinforces your sense that you have done him a favor and relieves you of the uncomfortable feeling that you may have been cold or uncaring.

Every woman, no matter how meek and mild, has the following things inside her:
A) Anger -- general and specific
B) Resentment at the things men think they can get away with
C) An impatience with bratty, immature behaviors, and
D) A need to feel in control

I suggest tapping into and giving vent to these feelings when your husband needs to be disciplined. After the discipline has been administered, you can move back into your warm, loving persona.

Question #3

Dear Vivian, I love my husband and do enjoy spending quality time on sex, but I'm a busy woman with a career and three kids. It seems that this program of Domestic Discipline would take a lot of my time and attention in order to be done right. I don't think I have the time to treat my husband as if he were another dependent in the house.

Answer #3

One of the best things about Domestic Discipline is the effect it has on your workload and your worries. This is a way to finally get your husband to do his share of work around the house and maybe a little bit of your share also to make up for the years you were doing most of his share. You gain tons of time and give very little. Think of what you could be doing with your time while he's doing the dishes, making dinner, doing the laundry and cleaning the house.

You will need to give him a different kind of attention than you're probably used to (a kind of attention that is fun to give), but it is probably not an increase in attention. You will find in Domestic Discipline that you will receive that attention back tenfold (which is far superior to the 15% or 20% that most women usually receive back from their husbands). Let me be more specific here.

In Domestic Discipline you need to show your awareness of your husband's sexual situation and his behaviors more often than you probably do now. This is not time-consuming, however. At least once a day you will want to draw your husband's attention to his sexual need for you. This can take as little or as much time as you like. Simply patting his crotch, reminding him not to masturbate, or having him present an erection to you can do it. If you have him wearing a chastity device, it may take 5 minutes or so to remove it, stimulate him and put it back on. But that's all that's necessary on those busy days. What will he be doing on those busy days in return for those few moments of attention? The dishes, the laundry, the vacuuming. Have you lost time? I don't think so.

On those days that he requires a serious session of discipline (which should not occur more than once every couple of weeks unless you want them more often), you may need to spend a couple of hours or more on his discipline. You can schedule this time and make it very enjoyable for you even if you don't enjoy actually administering the punishment as much as I do. When you schedule the punishment in advance you give him a few days to be nervous about it and you can have him plan to fix a nice dinner for you that evening. In order to minimize the severity of the punishment he will try to make it as tasty and relaxing a dinner as possible for you. After dinner you can have him do the dishes while you leisurely digest. Then you begin the punishment scene.

After the punishment scene you may or may not want sex. It's up to you. Either way he will want to show some affection to you (it's a natural submissive reaction) during the reconciliation phase. If you don't want sex you may have him give you a backrub or whatever. Remember that sex in this relationship need not include any release on his part so it can always take only the amount of time that you find enjoyable. For every two minutes you spend teasing him you get 20 minutes of ecstasy and satisfaction. It's a no-brainer!

And think of all the time you spend arguing with your husband. Domestic Discipline cuts this time by about 75%. Most arguments never get off the ground because now there is an authoritative presence in the situation -- YOU! When the two of you do argue he will be more careful about how he behaves during the argument if he knows that being excessively argumentative will earn him a punishment or a further delay of sexual release. The arguments you do have will not take as much time because he can be reminded at any time how he is to treat you.

All combined, you save at least threefold the time you invest in Domestic Disciline and you have a happier marriage to boot.

Question #4

Dear Vivian, Isn't this all just a little bit sick? Or maybe a lot sick?

Answer #4

No, it is not! I include this question because it is a common first reaction of many women when approached with the idea of Domestic Discipline. Even if the idea sounds and feels appealing to a woman, the popular notion that power exchange in sexual relationships is the stuff of serial killers and perverts causes her to reject Domestic Discipline as sick or weird. The fact is that there is nothing sick or weird about it. Power will always be a part of our sexual psyche no matter how much we try to deny it.

Although I haven't found the issue of Domestic Discipline specifically dealt with by mainstream sex advice experts, I have seen issues of sexual dominance and submission addressed by such experts. It is generally agreed that there is nothing sick or perverse in a sexual psyche that is excited by power --whether exerting it or having it exerted upon one. It is known that the centers in the brain having to do with fear, anxiety and arousal are very close to one another. This neurology is probably what is responsible for the link between domination and sexual arousal.

Question #5

Dear Vivian, There is a lot about this idea that appeals to me. The problem I see with it is that it feels as if my husband is reduced, in this scenario, to a weakling. I have a great deal of respect for my husband and I like feeling that way about him. I like to feel that my husband is strong and capable, not weak and immature.

Answer #6

Understood. I think most women are like you in this regard. I do not want a weakling or an immature child as a husband. I want a man I can be proud of. In a sense that is what Domestic Discipline (DD) is all about. We do not close our eyes to our husband’s weaknesses in order to maintain our feelings of respect for him. We deal with those weaknesses in order to make him worthy of or respect. DD is not about establishing a mother/child relationship (though the practice is sometimes referred to as "maternal discipline"). It is more like a Queen/knight relationship -- especially in public -- and like having a servant when you want one in private.

Our knights in shining armor, however, do not always behave in ways that make them worthy of the title. We make them worthy. The things your husband goes through in DD he endures for you -- his Queen. When he endures the restraint of chastity he endures it for you. When he endures the pain of corporal punishment he does so for you. When he endures the humiliation of his situation he humbles himself for you. When your friends and family see how he treats you they will envy the strength and civility your husband displays. They will only know, unless you tell them otherwise, that your husband treats you the way they wish their husbands treated them.

You will find that your husband is better able to control himself once you have begun DD. He will think better of himself for this improvement. If physical strength and attractiveness would raise him in your estimation, build exercise into your DD plan. Most men do not exercise regularly and would not only look better and be more capable, but would feel better about themselves if they did. DD improves him. It does not diminish him. Your respect for him will grow to new heights using Domestic Discipline.

Question #7

Dear Vivian, I have been practicing Domestic Discipline for seven months now and they have been the best months of my 11-year marriage. I have not, however, gone for the public humiliation aspect that you seem to advocate for three reasons. The first is that I think it would be dangerous to go to the mall and take my husband's pants down and spank him. We'd probably be arrested. The second is that I think I would probably be as embarrassed as he would be if our friends knew about this aspect of our relationship. To me it's a private matter. Thirdly, I think he would cease cooperating with me if I violated his privacy in this way.

You say that humiliation is an important element in Domestic Discipline. DD seems to be working just fine for me without it. Is it really necessary?

Answer #7

If your relationship ain't broken, I'm not going to advise you to fix it. I will take this opportunity to more clearly state my position on humiliation.

Humiliation is a central part of his DD experience even in a relationship such as yours. He is embarrassed in front of you when he is being punished. The question in DD is not whether or not humiliation is a tool, the question is how far a wife can safely go in using it. I'll address each of your three objections separately.

1) I do not advocate giving your husband a bare-bottomed spanking at the mall (though the idea sounds fun to me). I do not feel like getting my husband or myself arrested. I have used public places, however, to punish my husband. One of the most effective is having him go shopping with me and making him stand in the corner of a store, facing the corner. As I shop I can glance over and see the back of his neck turning red as he feels the eyes of customers and employees on him. When a salesperson asks him if she can help him and he has to somehow explain himself, his embarrassment is exquisite.

A safe way of using embarrassment/humiliation is another Victorian practice known as petticoating. Simply put, this involves requiring a male to wear feminine or ridiculous clothing. One subtle petticoating practice I use is to make my husband wear only pantyhose under his pants without socks or underwear. He is aware that it is possible for others to see his ankles if he sits in a certain way. This, along with the unusual feeling of the pantyhose around his hips keeps his thoughts centered on me and keeps his behavior in check.

Less subtle and more effective punitive practices involve making him wear clearly feminine or ridiculous outer garments such a dress. Just take him out to a discount clothing store or even a Salvation Army or Goodwill store and buy a couple of silly looking dresses and an apron or two that fit him. He can be made to wear them around the house when the two of you are alone or, for more serious offenses, when you have female company over to see him in his state of embarrassment. When extreme humiliation punishment is required, he can be made to wear a dress in a public place, such as a mall. This provides excruciating embarrassment without concerns about indecency.

That is, primarily, the kind of public humiliation I use. I may pull him by the ear in public to remind him of his manners or give his tush a playful spank in public, but I do not expose him in unseemly or illegal ways in public. I do put him in precarious positions for the fun of it. Once while on vacation I made him earn his orgasm by locking him out of our cabin without his clothes and telling him he would not be let in until he was wet. That meant he had to sneak a couple hundred yards in the cover of darkness to the beach and skinny dip before getting back in. The risk was there, but it was minimal. Even if he would have been seen it wouldn't have been by children or the police or anyone that knew him.

2) About being embarrassed yourself if others knew of your DD relationship. Your privacy is important and you are right to protect it. I protect mine. As you may have guessed already, my name is not really Vivian. Until the day arrives that DD is understood and accepted for what it is I will stay "Vivian." At the same time I do work toward that day by informing people via this website and through my advice service and I have "evangelized" a couple of my close friends. I have also demonstrated, with my husband, some techniques and products at a kind of Tupperware Party for Domestic Discipline. But I did that out of my home state and under the pseudonym of Vivian.

Someday I hope DD will be more accepted. Until that day I agree that we practitioners need to be jealous of our privacy.

(End of “Vivian’s Domain” "homage" & reprint.—MR)