JENN: FEMALE AUTHORITY WITHIN THE FAMILY, Part 1

(A note from Mark Remond: I join many of my readers in lamenting Ms. Amanda’s recent departure from guest posting here. I learned a lot about FLRs and female-led families from her posts, as well as from her clear and concise response to readers’ comments. I, too, hope that Ms. Amanda will consider posting here in the future, if circumstances permit.

In the meantime, I am pleased to offer readers the first of what I hope will be quite a few guest posts by an online friend and email correspondent of Mrs. Amanda, “Ms. Jenn.” Ms. Amanda mentioned Ms. Jenn several times in her posts, as here: “I have [had] some email correspondence with another dominant lady who lives in the Netherlands. She also runs a female led household...”

Although English is not Ms. Jenn’s native tongue (that is Dutch), I have found it necessary to make only a very few alterations in her writing. Here is her first post. — M.R.)

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First, to provide a little bit of background.  I do not come from a female-led family, but from early on I became aware of what I would call the higher potential of women. Add to this the fact that I have always been the dominant type. However, when I met my future husband, Paul, our relationship started off quite “normal.” Actually I should say “vanilla,” because, as you will see, I regard a wife-led marriage and female leadership in a family not only as normal, but quite natural, firmly based on the natural fact of female superiority.

Paul is a very soft, loving, caring and loyal guy. He works two days a week as a way to supplement my full-time income. This allows him time to do all the household chores and to help with the children. We have three—Sophie, 12, Luuk, just turned 9, and my youngest girl, Lotte, 6 years old.

In many ways, however, my Paul is like another child. He is frequently very childish in behavior and thus irresponsible (a trait which I have come to recognize in many men) and, frankly, less intelligent than Sophie, for instance. That does not mean that I love my husband the less; I am merely stating the reality.

When Sophie was 3 years old, I became fed up with Paul’s childishness, and told him we had to change things for the good of the family. This has been an ongoing process for the last 9 years. Eventually, I decided I should take more responsibility over Paul, even though that would mean he would be relieved of responsibilities and thus rights.

As a result, Paul has grown to be more and more off a brother to my children rather than a father, even though he still displays fatherly love and, as I said, does practically all chores. But he is relieved of any meaningful decision-making. I told him, as his behavior is childish, his treatment should reflect that. All kind of rules that the children abide by, my husband has to abide by as well.

Believe me, compared to the way it was before these stricter rules were applied to Paul, it has worked very well for all of us. My husband is happy and works hard, even though he sometimes has trouble coping with having to keep to the same rules as the kids.

So far I am talking only about our female-led relationship. Now I will speak of our female-led family.

Not long ago my daughter Sophie became 12 years old, and I viewed this milestone as a crucial turning point. She had been asking for more responsibility within the family, and I decided that she should get comfortable with increased responsibility.

I had been browsing on the Internet for information about female led families, or matriarchal families. In that search I came across Mark Remond’s blog, Worshipping Your Wife, and especially certain guest posts by dominant women who had taken charge of their families.

I was especially interested in the posts by Becky Sue on female superiority and matriarchal family guidelines, and by certain comments by Siobhan to Ms. Nancy’s guest posts. I also received some valuable information from comments by other dominant wives and mothers which Mark Remond kindly emailed to me at my request (including from Ms. Amanda).

In my next post, I will share a little bit about my first family meeting on this important topic, in which I talked about some of these ideas with my husband and Sophie and the two younger children. I will also tell you about some of the changes that were decided upon as a result of that meeting.

But here I would like to add a note of caution, which I may repeat in later columns. While I do believe strongly in female-led families and a female-led future, obviously no two people, and no two families, are quite alike. What works for our family may not work for another. So when I describe some of the female-empowering guidelines that we follow, please do not suppose that I am offering these as prescriptions or as an "exact model" for other families. —Ms. Jenn

ALPHA_BY_DAY: DISCOVERING FLR

(Note from Mark Remond: I join a great many of my readers in lamenting the recent departure of Ms. Amanda from these pages and in hoping she will find it possible to return. In the aftermath, I have been scrambling to recruit other guest bloggers, especially women. More on this soon. Meanwhile I am happy to tell you that "Sam" will be posting again shortly, and I am delighted today to announce what I hope will be an ongoing series of guest posts by "alpha_by_day," describing his own lifelong search for a female-led relationship. Those intrigued can find more about his submissive quest on his own blog, My Journey Into FLR.)

Hello. I’m honored to become a guest blogger here. I’m going to be checking in from time to time with updates on my search for a female-led relationship.

In my quest for information about FLRs, I found this blog a few months ago and just love it! I’m really quite excited that Mark is allowing me the opportunity to chronicle my journey.

I guess I should start with a little background…

There have been so many different “me’s” in my life. So

many head-spinning course corrections, so many mistakes and triumphs, so many proverbial skinned knees; and yet through it all, still so much for which to be thankful. If balance can be defined as the average of all movements, if extreme flailing in one direction can be balanced by running as fast and hard as possible in the exact opposite direction, then I’d say I have maintained a balanced life.

But that isn’t really true, is it? Balance isn’t a calculus equation whereby two opposing values cancel each other out, regardless of magnitude. Balance is discipline and focus. It’s equilibrium and atonement within the complex circumstances of our lives. Balance is about subtle shifts, a nudge, a minor adjustment to keep us from tipping over.

For most of my life, I’ve been a workaholic, and that singular focus has served me well. I’m good at what I do, I enjoy my career, and my future seems bright. What I realized a few years ago, however, is that I’ve started to define success differently. While I’ll certainly continue to push for greater achievements professionally, I recognize that I need balance. To put it plainly, I need someone with whom to share that success.

But here I come up against a contradiction of long standing. Professionally, I have always been 100% alpha. I’m a natural leader and very comfortable in that role. Personally, however, I have always—literally always (as I’ll discuss in future posts)—harbored submissive desires toward women, though (until quite recently) I’ve found scant opportunity to act on these desires.

How to reconcile that contradiction? Could I ignore the submissive me and be the  alpha me, all the time?

Well, I tried that. I decided that, despite my submissive

desires, a long-term “D/s” (dominant female/submissive male) relationship wasn’t realistic, and I forced myself to go vanilla “cold turkey” so to speak. It was my hope that, within the framework of a vanilla relationship, I could find sufficient outlets for my submission. And even if I couldn’t, it was more important to me to find a long-term loving relationship than it was to live out my submissive fantasies.

I believe that’s the kind of compromise that many submissive guys are forced to make.

Looking back to that decision, or compromise, I find it ironic to think that I grew up in a female-led household, and yet didn’t recognize the difference between a D/s relationship and loving female authority. Call it naivete, call it Internet-kink-inspired ignorance, but regardless, I didn’t see what was sitting right in front of me. And what’s worse is that I tried to consciously ignore feelings I’ve held inside me for my entire life.  

So off I went on a full-scale assault on vanilla dating.

It was great—heck, I love vanilla. Let’s face it, being single in Southern California is pretty amazing. In one sense, all of the great dinners, great wine and great conversations helped me find some balance in my life and enabled me to break the workaholic streak.

I also learned an important lesson about myself, one that has, again ironically, led me inexorably to this point. I realized that I love being a gentleman. I like to bring flowers and hold open doors, to be well mannered, kind, considerate, honest, punctual, to follow through on commitments, always to put her first and do little things to make her day a little brighter. And that’s when it hit me…

Being a gentleman and being submissive seem to have a lot of parallels.

This revelation fueled my fire even more. Being a gentleman

in a vanilla relationship is a perfect outlet for my submissive desires. I can be my alpha self and still put her first and have the best of both worlds. It was around this time that I stumbled upon the “strong but obedient knight” analogy and immediately tried to incorporate that concept, at least to the extent possible in a vanilla relationship.

And yet, through all of my doting, courtly behavior and thoughtful gestures, I began to realize that it was a façade; and so, after all of these attempts at melding my submissive and alpha selves, I’m back where I started… trying to find the real me.

Someone I have come to regard as perhaps my closest friend on this journey made a great analogy that seems quite apropos. She said that coming out as a submissive man is, in many ways, like coming out as gay in that you feel the same peace inside once you accept yourself. To live authentically is to know yourself, and that enables you to find happiness.

Now a topic I am likely to explore in future posts is this notion of what is a submissive man, because to tell you the truth, I am still wrestling with the "S" word as it applies (or does not) to me.

I guess in the end, a duck doesn’t know he’s a duck, he only knows he floats and flies.

—Alpha_by_day

AMANDA: FEMALE AUTHORITY WITHIN THE FAMILY (PART 2)

Every Sunday afternoon we have a family meeting to discuss behaviour, roles and responsibilities in the family and things like pocket money allowances for the children and for George. There is very little embarrassment for George when his allowance is discussed at the same time as the children’s. This is because the children were much younger when these meetings started, so the discussion of how much pocket money their father is to be allowed for the following week is now seen as completely normal.

 

We all sit down in the living room while I speak. For the last couple of weeks I have required George to sit on the floor by my feet (see my previous post). My husband has the freedom to speak at these meetings, but only to back up my words with his own reassurances. The children listen and ask questions if they wish further clarification, but generally they accept that what is being asked of them is reasonable. We also review the previous week since our last meeting.

I try to give the girls more responsibility or supervisory roles, and I give my son tasks to improve his behaviour or demeanour. The purpose of these gender-specific assignments is to develop self-confidence in my daughters and for my son to develop a respect for women and female authority. In today’s changing workplace, it is more and more likely that Ben will at some point be working for a female manager. The more prepared he is now, the more comfortable he will be when that situation arises. Many girls grow up not believing in their own abilities and, in consequence, fail to reach their full potential in life. Conversely, boys are naturally more confident, but too often this manifests itself through aggression and conflict.

I have found that the more responsibilities I give to 12-year-old Louise, the more responsibilities she asks for! This is not always the case with Rachel, age 9, whose character is naturally more reserved. It is my hope that Rachel will learn from Louise and come to see the benefits of responsibility as, in return for this, Louise is given more freedoms.

Occasionally silly things will disrupt the Sunday afternoon meeting. A couple of months ago, for instance, Louise and Rachel had a quarrel over a borrowed blouse and hairbrush. These are not issues to be brought up at these meetings! After this squabble, I spoke to both of them quietly and in private and told them that by arguing with one another, they were not setting a good example for their father and brother. I explained to them that if they wanted to take on more responsibilities, especially supervisory roles, they must learn not to argue between themselves. Since that discussion, things are definitely improving between the two girls. Teaching children can sometimes be a very slow process—but what a rewarding one when important lessons are learned!

One of the topics at a recent family meeting was Ben’s tardiness in the mornings. It was causing problems for the rest of the family, delaying his siblings who had to wait for him before setting off to school. Nine-year-old Ben is not as organised as his sisters and could never seem to find the right shoes, socks, shirt or tie, etc., for his school uniform in the morning. This frustrated him, and the rest of family had to put up with his frequent tantrums.

Therefore I decided to put the girls in charge of making sure that Ben would always have the correct clothes for his uniform. I suggested this to the family group, and Rachel’s first comment was “but that’s just more work for us!” I explained that she would not be sorting out Ben’s clothes herself, but supervising him. I went on to say that, in return, Ben could do something to help his sisters. We discussed this for no more than a minute before Louise came up with the answer. She said, “If we supervise Ben to get his clothes ready, could he collect our dirty clothes and take them to the laundry room for us?” This was agreed to by all of us, including Ben, who received a reassuring smile and nod from his father.

After the meeting, the girls and Ben went up to his bedroom. Louise and Rachel spent more than two hours showing Ben how to sort his clothes into different drawers, how to use hangers properly in the wardrobe and where to put his shoes, and so on.

The girls then came up with their own action plan, which is still in use now several weeks after the initial meeting. Louise and Rachel take turns going into Ben’s room the night before a school day and supervising him, while he gathers each item of clothing that he will need the next day. He is instructed to lay them out on his bed to ensure nothing is missed. Once all of the clothes are there, he is told to lay them carefully over the back of his chair before he goes to bed.

In return for the girls’ supervision, Ben now collects their soiled clothes on Wednesdays and Saturdays (these are the designated days on which my husband does the household laundry). Ben will knock on his sisters’ bedroom doors and ask to collect their clothes and take them to the laundry room along with his own.

The outcome of all this is that Ben’s tardiness has now stopped completely. We used to be delayed by him nearly every day before this system was introduced. Now everyone sets off on time in the mornings, and, believe me, this creates a much more harmonious household.

In this way all of my children learn the benefits of female authority. My son learns that taking instructions from girls and doing tasks for them are completely normal things for a boy to do, while my daughters learn that the supervision of boys has benefits (laundry collection in this case) as well as being fun, especially for bossy Louise! Typically, although they were going to take it in turns, it is Louise who is doing far more of Ben’s uniform inspections than Rachel. It is quite obvious to everyone that she enjoys this supervisory role over her brother.

One thing that I would like to mention here is a rule that I implemented quite some time ago. It relates to my experience with my brothers when I was a teenager (see my earlier post). I have relaxed the rule a little for my own family, as I used to give my brothers no warning at all before entering their rooms.

The rule is that my daughters are allowed to enter Ben’s bedroom after a quick knock on the door and announcing themselves as they enter. However, if my son wishes to visit either of his sister’s room, he must always knock and then wait for permission to enter. He is never to enter without permission or supervision.

Implementing this rule had always been in the back of my mind because of my teenage experiences. However, events overtook me a couple of years ago, making me put the rule into place much earlier than I had expected.

At the age of 7, Ben was going through a silly stage. He wanted to play hide and seek with the rest of the family, and always, it seemed, at the most inappropriate times. Even though he was told that no one else was playing, or wanted to, he would hide all over the house, including the girls’ and our bedrooms. He hid in wardrobes, under beds, inside closets, that sort of thing. If he was hiding in his own room, he would not answer a knock on the door. Likewise, if he was called for lunch or dinner or to go out, he would not answer. The whole family had to waste time searching for him. Then, when we were all on the verge of screaming, he would jump out and scare a family member, to his own vast amusement, and end up having a fit of giggles on the floor.

Thankfully, after a few exasperating months, Ben grew out of this phase, but the rule instituted then still stands today. Girls are far more sensible and deserve the extra trust we give them.

In the next post I will continue to write about different aspects of my family life, including Louise’s limited supervision of her father in certain tasks.

End of Part 2

 Ms. Amanda

AMANDA: FEMALE AUTHORITY WITHIN THE FAMILY (PART 1)

In my previous post I discussed some of my past experiences with my brothers, experiences which gave me confidence in controlling males from an early age. There are quite a few stories to tell about that time in my life, as I went on to discover that I could also twist my boyfriends around my little finger. I remember feeling great pride and satisfaction as they became more docile and respectful to me. This gradually led me to embrace my strongly held beliefs in female authority. By the time I met my future husband at university, the die had been cast, and I was determined that I would start our relationship off on the right track—my track!

 

I may discuss the training of my husband George in a future post. This is because I do not want to confuse readers into thinking that what I do with him in private in any way relates to how I bring up my children. It doesn’t. For instance, I have never and I will never use corporal punishment on my children, but I do discipline my husband.

In this post I would like to talk about female authority in our family.

I believe the key to a successful marriage and a happy family life is to establish female control from the outset. If the children ask their father for anything, he will always refer them to me. “Asking Dad" happens much less often now, as the children have picked up on the fact that Mum rules the house! My eldest daughter Louise will be 12 this month, and she completely understands that her father has no decision-making rights and has stopped asking him for anything. The twins, Rachel and Ben, are still only 9 and have not fully understood this yet. With our continued guidance they will gradually learn that it is their Mum who gives or refuses permission to do anything.  Louise is a big help in this regard. She is naturally bossy and has recently told Rachel not to bother asking Dad for anything as he doesn’t have Mum’s permission to make decisions!

Financial control is a good place to start in a loving female-led relationship, and I did this with my husband before we were even married. The sooner this is done, the better, in my opinion. We have a joint account into which our salaries are paid. George has no access to this account though, as I keep the cards and passwords. I provide him with a weekly allowance, the amount of which is determined each week at the Sunday family meetings (more of about this in the next post).

It is important that a man knows his spending can be scrutinized by his wife at any time. By having his allowance limited, George is unlikely to make frivolous purchases. If he wants to do so for some reason, he must ask me first. I decide whether or not his request is reasonable. In this way George’s thoughts are continually focused on me, every time he opens his wallet.

Next is control of the household chores. Quite simply, George does them all! Vacuuming, dusting, cooking, washing and ironing, everything! He only works part time, as my salary is sufficient to keep us in our current lifestyle. Therefore he has plenty of time to do these chores.

Children do pick up on their parents’ behavior. If the parents smoke, it is more likely the children will smoke when they grow up. If they see their parents arguing and fighting, it is more likely that they will do the same and not become valuable members of society.

My children see their father as a happy man who lives in deference to his wife. They see a couple who love one another, and a man who worships his wife and would do anything for her. What better example of family life could we give our children?

Every evening when I arrive home from work, the girls are usually sitting in the living room watching TV while George is cooking. Most often Ben will be with him in the kitchen, perhaps helping to lay the table while they chat together. Ben absolutely adores his Dad!

After we have all greeted and kissed, I make my way to one of the sofas, sit down and start chatting to the children about their school day (Ben has usually joined the girls in the living room by this time). When I sit down, George knows this is his cue to bring me a glass of wine. He then sits next to me on the sofa and what follows is a ritual that we have been doing for many years.

I will turn and put my feet up on George’s lap. He carefully removes my shoes and then gently massages my feet until I tell him to stop. During this whole time we are all still chatting normally as a family. This is seen as perfectly natural by our children. Their father is worshipping their mother by performing this simple, caring task for her.

However I have just implemented a variation on this ritual following some email correspondence with another dominant lady who lives in the Netherlands. She also runs a female led household. After returning from my recent business trip, I told George that in future I would require him to sit on the floor, rather than the sofa, when massaging my feet. I could tell by his expression that he was a little surprised at the request, but I simply raised my eyebrows and he did not complain.

The following day when I arrived home from the office, he followed me as usual into the living room and handed me a glass of wine, but then he paused and looked inquiringly at me. I saw his eyes briefly flit between my feet, resting on the floor, and the vacant seat next to me on the sofa. I looked at him sternly and dipped my finger, pointing to the floor. Only he and I saw the gesture, but he understood immediately and sat down at my feet. Amusingly to me, he rested his back against the sofa (for reassurance perhaps?). But, finding this position awkward, he soon turned around so that he could access my feet in a more comfortable manner.

The children were oblivious to all this and simply carried on chatting with us. Apparently seeing their Dad sitting on the floor massaging his wife’s feet was no big issue to them! It was just Dad serving Mum as usual. After about 10 minutes I ruffled George’s hair as I might a child (another tidbit I borrowed from the Dutch lady, although in her instance, it was her daughter ruffling the father’s hair) and said “Okay, that’s enough, let’s go and eat.” Before he got up, George asked me which shoes I would be wearing the following day, so that he could polish them and have them ready for me.

It is my intention going forward to show more openly George's increasing deference to me in all things. The children will pick up on these nuances and gradually learn that female authority is normal and good.

Having recently read a lot of email correspondence from other dominant women, I can’t help feeling that I have been going a little too easy on George. That will be changing from now on. I have big plans for George and one of them is for him to be spending a lot more time on the floor at my feet!

End of part 1

Ms. Amanda