Appreciating Your Life—and Your Wife

"Look at me one minute as though you really saw me… Doesn't anyone ever realize life while they live it? Every, every minute?" — Emily Webb in Thornton Wilder’s Our Town, Act 3

Try to recall the most intense desire you have ever had for the woman who is now your wife. Perhaps during courtship, or on your honeymoon or a romantic vacation interlude.

When this she-creature was absolutely everything to you. When you could see the whole rest of your life in her eyes.

Or how about the intensity of feelings if you ever thought you could lose her forever? Maybe this never happened, but if it did, you’ll know what I’m talking about.

Panic. Fear. A willingness to do anything to get her back, to change her mind, to make things okay again, the way they were before you screwed up royally (which I think we can safely assume you did). To crawl over broken glass, if that would do it, bearing flowers. To promise anything, do anything.

Even to give up televised sports. (Well, maybe not that far.)

Got it? That’s how you really feel about your wife. So why not live that way, every day—“every, every minute?”

Disagree? Perhaps you think your honeymoon or courtship phase was less real, sort of an embarrassing, make-believe interlude better left to scrapbooks, syrupy Hallmark cards and old wedding videos.

But you’d be wrong. Not being attuned to those core feelings is the illusion. Taking your wife for granted is the pretend phase, imagining that other endeavors outrank her and her needs on your daily priority list.

She is really and truly your No 1. In fact, she’s your perennial Top 10--and more.

And you don’t need to wait for a crisis to realize it.

“Courtship and reconciliation are clearly defined crises in a man’s life. He will do anything to win the woman of his dreams; should he lose her, he will do anything to win her back. Why, then, is he not willing to do anything, on a daily basis, to keep her contented? Because husbands don't perceive that a wife can be lost if never again wooed or won, that marriage is also a crisis, deserving of extreme efforts.”
—From the Introduction to Worshipping Your Wife

But, of course, sometimes it does takes a crisis for a husband to suddenly realize what matters most in his life – namely, his wife.

Such moments can be true “conversion” experiences, when the scales fall off one’s eyes and one is forever changed.

Like this husband's conversion:

“Once I realized my wife wanted to leave me, I knew I was powerless. There was no way I could make her stay. I knew the only way she would stay would be if she was happy, and so I resolved to do whatever it took to make her happy… Part of the process involved giving up control of the marriage… I discovered that making my focus my wife and her happiness, not only made the marriage better for her, but also for me.”

And this one:

“Our marriage had hit the deepest crisis in its history. I'm sure that if I had not found your site [Lady Misato’s Real Women Don’t Do Housework], my marriage would have been unretrievable… I realized that radical changes had to be made. I found myself about 3 a.m. looking at my wife asleep on the bed… and suddenly it dawned upon me what I had to do! I began kissing her feet passionately and found that I'd unconsciously totally surrendered and submitted my life to her in a split second of impulse. From that moment on I was her obedient, willing-to-please husband.”

No matter how incandescent the moment, of course, split-second impulses mean little if real and sustained change does not ensue, like this:

“I now take breakfast up to her every morning in bed, I'm doing all the house work, all the chores cooking for her every night, she now controls our finances, my sexual relief, and I'm loyally obeying her, I have never been this happy, not ever, and I mean not ever. Our marriage has taken a 180 degree turn. She is my reason for living now and I kneel at her feet.”

So, yes, it can happen. Happy-ever-aftering is possible. A husband and wife can really live this way.

Or not.

Feel the Power!

Some husbands and wives in long-term FLRs report that their daily life feels kind of vanilla, more or less as it was before the power exchange of putting the wife in charge.

But, then, you usually find that the power exchange is always there, a kind of subtle subtext to every conversation. A look, a word, a hint from the wife is all it takes for her to reassert her authority over him, and for his submissive side to snap to attention.

Or, in other cases, the couple may appear vanilla in social settings, yet with the ever-present threat of the wife playfully “outing” the husband’s submissiveness, to whatever extent she chooses. A case in point:

“My wife likes to keep our power exchange mostly secret, yet at the same time she loves to tease me by hinting to neighbors and friends about what a ‘henpecked’ husband I am. This ‘hen pecking’ suits her dominant nature and my submissiveness perfectly. By stretching my limits in this way, she has made our power exchange a reality. There is no turning back for either of us. She is as addicted to her current level of control as I am to my current lack.”

In other words, the female-male power exchange is always there, a palpable thing, whether cleverly veiled or revealed in all its glory.

This radical imbalance of power between the female and male is probably the defining quality of an FLR, more than the presence or absence of certain behaviors or rituals. Conversely, a couple can work their way through a daily checklist of D/s practices and be merely going through the motions, without the underlying reality.

This is what sets FLRs, or WLMs, (wife-led marriages), apart from the fantasy worlds of femdom. A wife-led marriage is not a make-believe dressup game until the novelty wears off. It is daily reality—at the breakfast table, watching TV, getting the kids to bed, wherever and whenever. Throughout, the wife never loses her mantle of power, her orb and scepter, her crown.

As Lady Misato (Real Women Don’t Do Housework ) has written, “Marriage is an institutional vessel within which the power exchange may occur. In effect, it makes the investment worthwhile.”

And in a wife-led marriage, or “wifedom” as Lady Misato has called it, no matter how trivial the pursuit or mundane the circumstances, the husband never loses his sense of healthy respect and even awe for who this woman is in his life. The power that flows from her is something he can feel whenever she is near, or speaks to him, whether or not she is even asserting her primacy over him.

As one husband notes, “For years I had read about the power exchange inherent in FLRs. Well, now I know what it means. I no longer look at my beloved bride the way I did. Whenever I think of her, whenever she is in the room or speaks, there is an aura of power that surrounds her. And, yes, it is sexy. And she knows it, too.”

Again, this is not some fantasy that an addlepated husband superimposes over his wife to spice up his life. And it’s not because the wife is swathed in furs, or sheathed in wet-look vinyl. It’s because the husband is seeing her, and valuing her, as she truly is—the goddess by whom, miraculously, he is owned.

He knows, of course, that her word is law, no matter how softly spoken or politely couched.

It is certainly so in my case. As with other wife-led husbands, I know that she controls all the money, and how it is spent, and all our schedules, long-term and short, and what we will do, and what we will eat, and, of course, all our sexual activity. I know that I must turn to her for advice on all matters, large and small, because her judgment and practical sense so far exceed my own. And that I will benefit and prosper from her wisdom all the days of my life.

So, yes, my wife has been owed deference and worship and obedience from me all these years. And now, finally, I'm starting to “get it.”

Living With a Goddess

“The deadening scales of familiarity will dissolve, and you will see [your wife] her restored to full, feminine mystery and radiance.”
—Worshipping Your Wife, Chapter 3, “Making Her Your Fantasy”

It’s a visionary experience almost to die for, and definitely to live for, one which will forever transform your marriage and your life.

What does it feel like to live with a goddess on a daily basis? I’ll let these wife-worshipping husbands supply their own giddy responses:

“A wave of profound happiness rises in me when I worship my Goddess wife. It is heaven for me.”

“Through my wife I am brought close to the center of the feminine mystery, intoxicated by it, overwhelmed by her.”

"[My wife] has arrived home and my heart is fluttering with excitement! I do not feel complete until she is home. I'm near the center of the feminine mystery, an intimate part of the life of a beautiful woman. So close to her, caring only for her comfort and happiness...
“I have just hung her silk suit in her closet when, whap! Her panties hit me in the face and she laughs playfully. I put them in my hand-wash basket and turn to gaze adoringly at my Mistress.
“Naked, stretching her beautiful body, absolutely comfortable in front of me, she turns her brilliant emerald eyes on me and smiles, knowing exactly what effect she is having on me and enjoying it…
“As she strides past me, all energy, grace and unselfconscious nakedness, she slaps my ass hard and, to her amusement, I squeal and jump and hurry to do her bidding.”

“I love to wash my wife's hair and scrub her in the shower, then dry her. Mostly because she loves it. If someone says it isn't important, I do not care. I know giving and loving are important to me.”

“My wife makes me worship her, pray to her and chant to her. Sexual service is a part of my ritual in worshipping her. It is a beautiful thing. I humble myself before my wife and pray to her. Then I kiss her feet and slowly work my worshipful kisses up her legs and eventually make my way to her shrine, the place where all life begins. Once there, I worship her by licking her to orgasm while she chants a lovely song about the superiority of women in her sexy and hypnotic voice. I feel so at peace and nurtured by her, as I taste of her. It is not uncommon for both my wife and I to have tears in our eyes during this sacred ritual.”

Maniac vs. Dilettante

I’ve posted about taking “Baby Steps” and incremental wife worship, inching along, ever so slowly, the way the snail climbs Mt. Fuji.

Because, unless the idea for entering into a Female-Led Relationship originates with our wives, we husbands don’t want to spook the objects of our adoration.

But, truth be told, Wife Worship is a form of psychological mania, not a dilettantish pursuit or hobby. The idea, after all, is not simply to like and respect your wife, but to fall crazy nuts in love with her all over again – maybe even more truly, madly, deeply than the first time around.

To become obsessed by her… while — and this is the trick — contriving to appear pretty much sane and semi-normal in the process.

Pillow Talk & Pillow Moans

This is a postscript to the preceding post about another kind of role-reversal behavior observed in FLRs. Namely, that husbands are starting to gasp and moan and vent their emotions during the climactic moments of lovemaking.

Some husbands are being encouraged, or even manipulated by their leading wives into opening up in this way. Other husbands simply find themselves unable to suppress this unmacho behavior—or feel that they no longer have to suppress it, after years of doing so.

An interesting discussion of this behavior, from both sides of the bed, can be found at the new FLR message board, SheMakesTheRules.Com (an outgrowth of Barbara Abernathy’s Venus on Top Society ). I recommend interested readers, male and female, join the board and check out the thread (“from fantasies to talking vs. moaning,” which can be found under “Marriages and Relationships”). But perhaps the board ops won’t mind if I pass on a few snippets from the several provocative responses:

A woman posts: “And just as men love to hear a woman moan and make noise, we love hearing that kind of feedback from men. At least I do! I L-O-V-E to hear a man moan, groan, and cry out when making love... It comes across as positive feedback, and lets me know that my partner is most def into the moment!”

Two women echo this sentiment:

“I completely agree a 100%. And the thing is, if we are in a situation where I just want silence and he's talking, or I want him to tell me exactly what he's feeling and all I'm getting are moans, I tell him what to do!”

I love it when my lover moans, talks, shakes and loses control! I like to know that I am in total control of his pleasure, length of pleasure, and climax, after I have been satisfied of course. I also love to hear that he is mine... all mine to do with what I wish.”

A husband confesses: “My wife loves for me to make sounds in bed -- she's told me on more than one occasion that she wants to hear my release as much as feel it... which of course makes it more intense for both of us.”

Lesson for us guys: It’s fine, even great to vocalize during sex, but verbalize, too.

Pillow Talk — Give it a Try, Guys

Have you noticed — we’re starting to get Hollywood heroes who break the “strong, silent type” mold of Wayne, Coop, Clint, et al. Vince Vaughan, Shia LaBeouf, Adam Sandler, even Robert Downey Jr as Iron Man—who am I forgetting?—these guys tend to talk a blue streak. In fact, you can’t shut ‘em up.

Yet the real macho guy, master of the one-syllable repartee (or grunt), remains the archetype. Especially in the bedroom. It’s the girl who cries out, “Oh, James!” While Bond just gives a tomcat shrug and arches an eyebrow.

This silent gunfighter image has had an lasting effect on generations of guys. We strive to underplay our parts before, during and after sex. Whatever you do, don’t show your emotions. It’s embodied in today’s casual sex hookups.

But this manly protocol gets chucked right out the window in an FLR (female led relationship), or WLM (wife led marriage). And if it doesn’t, it should.

The goal here, of course, is not to hide one’s worshipful feelings from one’s beloved, but to reveal them. Don’t try to be the “strong, silent type” when it comes to your adoration and devotion.

In Chapter 6 of my book, “Daring to Be Known by Her,” I quote Fumika Misato:

“Consider a true and honest confession of your feelings to your wife. Express yourself without reservation. Don’t be afraid to let your wife know how powerful she is. Her primary goal is to get your attention, and all that entails. Let her know that she has it. And she will be impressed, even touched, by your honesty.”

Lady Misato goes even farther, recommending wives get their husbands to tell them everything, every night (she recommends the marriage bed as the site for these nightly confessions).

While Lady Misato instructs wives in ways to extract these nightly confessions and avowals of love from their mates, there’s nothing wrong with a husband initiating them.

Like, during lovemaking. Again, to quote my book:

“For me, the throes of conjugal sex tend to trigger impromptu, lovestricken confessions. The most impassioned avowals suddenly populate my brain—mostly unoriginal, even trite. I used to suppress these, trying to maintain at least a semblance of manly reserve, knowing my blurted words might sound embarrassing afterward.
"I no longer do that—muzzle myself... These days, during the final crescendos of passion, I am more likely to let myself go—verbally as well as seminally. My wife has heard me stutter out empurpled phrases like, ‘I’m so lucky to be married to you.’ Or: ‘You are my queen.’ Or: ‘I love you, I love you, I love you.’ Or: ‘I want to belong to you completely.’ Not a few times I have reverted to simply repeating her name over and over and over, mantra-like.”

Okay, afterwards I sometimes feel a wee bit embarrassed. How must all that have sounded to her? Was I gushing like a lovesick schoolboy, or schoolgirl?

Maybe. But the point is, I’m not Clint Eastwood, or John Wayne. I’m not muy macho. You won’t see me leaving the gal of my dreams as I riding off alone into the sunset on my favorite horse. As I wrote:

“I do want to belong to her completely, etc., etc., and I want her to know it, to know me. What I have given voice to really are the innermost secrets of my heart—things I want to share with my beloved.”

My wife, as it happens, is not a talker. She’s the strong silent type in our marriage. She has not commented on my confessional binges during lovemaking, neither praised nor scolded me for them. They are just kind of “out there,” on the record. Because I cannot help myself, I have to tell her everything.

Another instance of FLR role reversal.

Male Mutiny -- To Quell or Not to Quell

On the SheMakesTheRules message board recently, there were several postings about husbands rebelling from the FLR status — after having begged for it!

One husband described his occasional bouts of mutinous behavior in this way: “I can become sullen, stubborn, or willful at times due to various reasons, and this causes tension between Goddess and myself.”

“Why do guys do this?” one of the women moderators asked. Meaning, once their fantasy becomes reality, why do they “balk and rebel and generally act pissy when the woman starts exercising her authority? Are they testing? If so, what is the best way to deal with you in this mood? How should she bring the relationship back to a healthy FLR status?”

The responses were thoughtful, insightful. Most of the male posters counseled wives to be understanding and tolerant. Consensus: Adjusting to an FLR and submissive status takes time, no matter what a guy’s fantasies have been, and the wife should be understanding of occasional rebellions.

The Case for Zero Tolerance

There is another FLR school of thought, of course, which advises zero tolerance of husbandly mutinies, rebellions, “pissy fits,” etc.

The oft-quoted Au876 describes how his wife-leader dealt with him on these occasions:

“I think some form of rebellion is natural no matter how deeply we want to submit. My wife refers to my small rebellions as pouting. She just waits me out and kids me about it. She says I am pouting or acting like a little boy. She thinks it is funny and childish of me. It may take me a day or two to get over it even though I try hard. When I come around she knows I am just a little more firmly under her control than I was before.”

On other occasions, however, Mrs. Au would take a firmer hand with him: “When she senses some rebellion in my attitude or actions she is quick to punish me in some way and warns me I better learn to like things the way they are.”

Au876 cites various kinds of punishments, from “writing lines” to a cut in his weekly allowance to a denial of TV or computer time.

A more frightening form of punishment is described by a worshipful husband cyber-tagged “love struck”:

“I remember in our early days my Lady responded to a similar situation by taking the initiative and telling me ‘OK if that's the way you want it - IT'S OFF!’ This worked with me on two levels: 1. I couldn't imagine going back to the way things were before, so I was mortified that I'd pushed her too far. 2. The very act of her taking control in such a dramatic manner revealed an inner strength that immediately increased my desire to serve her. The next day I was begging for her forgiveness. She gave me this and also gave me a very sore bottom to remind me of my place in the relationship.”

A philosophical summing up on this topic is offered by Lady Misato of Real Women Don’t Do Housework:

“If resistence is offered at all it will consist merely of token rebellions from time to time for the sake of his ego and to test your resolve and seriousness. In actuality, he will enjoy this as much as you do and he would be extremely disappointed if you were to back away from your new expectations of him.”