NANCY & DENNIS: TOWARD A LIFELONG FEMALE-LED MARRIAGE: OBEDIENCE

I'm often asked what makes for a good female-led relationship. Well, there are really four things that bring about a happy female-led marriage:

1) Obedience – he does what I say! You know this had to be on top of the list!

2) Domestic service – he does housework - all of it! He loves it and is a real Domestic Diva!

3) Personal service – he's my “maid in waiting,” looking after all the little things.

4) Atonement – he puts women – all of us – ahead of himself.

Obedience

Let's talk about the most important one first, because if your man is obedient – and he should be – everything else falls into place. Obedience is pretty straightforward. I give the orders and he follows them! PERIOD! No discussion or debate, just, “Yes, Ma-am!” when I tell him to do something. My husband recognizes that I manage the money, make all decisions, make rules as needed to keep the house running smoothly, and plan our social agenda.

You have to be assertive. Let's understand, ladies, that your man's acquiescence has to be matched by your assertiveness. You've got to be demanding. Don't be afraid to confront him when he displeases you. Raise hell! Yes, I'm in charge and he knows it, but I still get aggressive with him from time to time just to remind him that I'm the boss and whatever I say goes, without question, without hesitation. Don't be afraid to be assertive. Women have been taught that they have to be nice – don't believe it! You can't be nice and have an FLR. Release your inner bitch! Men love bitches! Be one!

Women are the superior sex – We are emotionally, intellectually, and morally superior to men and should be in charge. Make sure he knows it! Make sure you act like it! An everyday reminder to him that it's a woman's world is a good idea!

Start early – The earlier in a relationship you start giving orders the better it is for both of you. You're going to like being in control, and he's going to love your being in control. Men want to please women, so ladies, don't stand in his way! Tell him what he needs to do to please you! Dennis was looking for a strong, take-charge women and he found her – me! He's been taking orders since our first date and we wouldn't have it any other way!

Obedience makes him happy – I give the orders and he obeys! PERIOD! Dennis is well trained; when I tell him to do something, I get a little bow of acknowledgment and a “Yes, Ma'am” and off he goes. I love it when he does as he's told, and he loves being told. It reinforces both our positions. How important is it to him to follow orders? Well, if he's not told to do something by mother or me at least a few times a day, he'll get restless and concerned; it's as though he thinks I don't love him because I haven't told him to do something. Your man is going to see your ordering him around as a sign of love. You're going to see it as a sign of your authority. Well, everyone is happy!

Insist that he shut up! – I demand that my man shut up! And I have no problem telling him to shut up at home or in public. Why? Because men don't have anything to say; women do. I don't want to hear his complaints or how hard his day was, and I sure don't want to hear that he didn't get his housework done or that he didn't do what I told him to do. In our home men speak when spoken to or when asked to join a conversation, a conversation that is woman-led.

Insist that he listen – I demand that my man listen – same thing at work for the guys who work for me. By “listen” I don't mean “obey,” I mean listen. Men should shut up and listen to what women are talking about, what they have to say, what their plans are, what their concerns are; how they want things done. What women say matters and men need to understand this and act accordingly. When they listen, men are in a position to better respond to women, to be of service. This is satisfying to all involved. Dennis is a good listener. He'll hear that Mom or I need something and it's there. Or he'll hear that we're planning a get-together and he'll politely ask for details so he can prepare for it.

Insist that he show you deference – He should be treating you with respect. “Yes, Ma-am!” is mandatory at home and away, I don't care who is around. An apron is mandatory; he has to wear one at home no matter who is visiting. He has many aprons as do the other men in our family. If he doesn't find an apron hanging in the kitchen when he gets home, he gets the privilege of choosing one to wear. He enjoys wearing this sign of his subservience, but, like it or not, he wears it because I demand he does.

Insist that he ask permission – He should be asking your permission to do anything outside of his established routine. If he wants a cigarette, he asks; if he wants a mixed drink, he asks; if he wants to do his Tuesday evening grocery shopping, he asks. Every time he asks permission he is recognizing that I'm in charge.

Make and enforce rules – You'll want to have well documented rules and standards to ensure that he does things right. By “right” I mean how you want things done. We have plenty of rules for everything and he has to know them. He writes them in his journal so he remembers them. There are rules for how men behave with women guests, how he greets them, serves them. There's a right way to clean the living room, a right way to light a woman's cigarette, and so on. And there are established routines that he has to follow; every day of the week he has housework to

NANCY & DENNIS: WOMEN IN CHARGE - A CHANGING WORKPLACE

I've had a number of comments, including a link to an article concerning more and more women in the workplace in positions over men. I've been asked how are men taking the new reality. Well, what I see at work and in our workshops shows that younger men are going to do just fine working with and for women. Young men not only accept the leadership of women coworkers and managers but express a strong desire to help their female colleagues succeed. However, it's not just the younger men who have accepted women; some older men have come to grips with this new reality. Many of the older men who are supportive of women have the benefit of a strong woman at home, so working for a woman is second nature to them.

I like to refer to men – regardless of age – who are supportive of women in the workplace as “guys.” Some of the things the guys do:

·         See women as smarter and better educated

·         Feel women are better managers; women, they say, are inclusive and collaborative, not dictatorial and secretive like men

·         Prefer to work with and for women; when we have a job posting reporting to a man, it gets few if any applicants; post a job in a woman-run department and there's no shortage of applicants – especially from men!

·         Do not feel resentment when women are promoted, are given “better” assignments, or have women-only events or group meetings

·         Since they've been raised in an era of affirmative action, they see a need for society to atone for patriarchy by taking positive steps to provide women opportunities to advance

·         Do not see opportunities for women as hurting their own careers

·         Express admiration for their female managers and colleagues and see them as role models

But there's more! Guys recognize that the position of men has changed. Men no longer have a lock on the technical skills they once had and they certainly don't have the good-old-boy-network stacking the deck for them. They're feeling just a little vulnerable, so they're looking for ways to show they support us – Oh, don't you LOVE a vulnerable man? We're seeing real role reversals and power exchanges! Guys have combined the chivalry, to which all women are entitled, with a respect for our authority.

They're doing so many things that say they really respect us:

·         Guys listen to what women have to say

·         They're polite

·         They're obedient

·         They know when to shut up – very important!

·         They recognize our authority; we're hearing “yes, ma'am” a lot around our office these days!

·         They value our opinions and ask for them whether we are involved in their particular project or not

·         They gravitate to assertive and demanding women; I'm an alpha female – yes, call me a bitch – and I never have a shortage of guys who want to work for me. It seems that the more demanding I am with them, the more they like it. Men LOVE strong women!

·         They recognize the need for all-female events and groups and help with these meetings even though they don't participate. They order and serve lunch, run errands, make copies, and so on.

·         They cover the phones, particularly when there is a woman-only meeting or lunch

·         They participate in many feminist activities and charitable efforts started by women. The guys recognize that having “Feminist credentials” is important, and many of them volunteer one night a week to work on Feminist activities. We women have any number of organizations and activities to which guys can be sent; they just have to ask, and most do!

·         They mentor women and share knowledge

·         They step up to help women on projects and in new endeavors

·         They share project success with women

And then there are the personal niceties the guys do:

·         Always offer to help with filing, copying, and other administrative tasks

·         Run errands for women over lunch, picking up dry cleaning, fueling cars

·         Defer to female staff, regardless of her level – “defer” is a nice corporate word for “obey”! I love obedient men!

·         Make and serve coffee and keep the kitchenette clean and in order. My husband will tell you that making and serving coffee are becoming important skills for men in the workplace. Women have served coffee for centuries; why not men?

And it doesn't stop there. When the guys come into my office, they do so with a real reverence and a “Good morning, Ma'am!” They're almost bowing down to me, treating me like a Goddess; they don't do that with the male managers. In a meeting they listen to every word I say, they write it down’ and if they don't understand, it's, “Excuse me, Ma'am, will you please repeat that?” For me it's like being at home. Men who listen! Men who obey! I love men who obey! Sometimes I'll call for one of my guys and just give him some trivial thing to do, and he'll run off and do it; he'll come back and thank me for having him do it! Both of us feel good! I do the same with my husband; same result. Both of us feel good and our positions are reinforced in the process.

Not only do the guys accept a subordinate role in the workplace, but also in their personal lives. So many of our guys are obviously in some type of Female-led relationship. I hear them saying that they have to ask their wife for permission for some activity or trip. And so many of them talk about housekeeping problems, or how to scrub the kitchen, or about their wife going out that evening with her friends. It's nice to see a real change taking place; real role reversal! One of our guys was hesitant when I asked him to take an out-of-town trip; he was embarrassed to say that he needed to ask his wife's permission. “No need to be embarrassed,” I reassured him, “my husband has to ask permission, too.” He was relieved by my comment and that evening received his wife's OK. I keep his situation in mind before asking him to travel and always have him ask his wife's permission.

It's so nice. But then there's the older men who question everything and want the status quo restored. Sorry boys, the good old days of no women in management are not coming back – ever! So live with it! Of course, it's not just older males; there are younger guys who don't listen and are always complaining. Collectively we call them “the men.” At work they question female staff, refuse to do administrative tasks, calling them “women's work” - and horde knowledge and information.

We've had some success integrating reluctant men into female-led and -staffed work groups, but some men have been difficult. We have had issues with men being less than compliant when given orders by a female supervisor; two have refused to work for a woman and are no longer in our company. It's unfortunate that many of the men have such attitudes. And it's unfortunate that some can't accept that the workforce is being feminized. Patriarchy dies hard.

NANCY & DENNIS: SUGGESTIONS FOR ACTIVISM

Awhile back someone wrote asking whether we “consider worthy to take some governmental-level measures that would secure the women the status they deserve?”

Well, YES! We feel that there needs to be government action at all levels to enhance the position of women in the workplace and in society in general. Not because we need help, but to accelerate the process of women moving into leadership roles. There is a lot of inertia against us with thousands of years of male 'leadership' and a male-imposed disdain for women's ideas and values. That has to change, and it can't change too soon. The male-run world is a mess! So, just remove the barriers, and women will take care of the rest!

Even though women don't hold a majority of political offices, our voices are strong and influential; politicians care about the female vote. It's time to help women substantially improve their status and make real social change. It's an exciting time that will see more women in positions of influence.

My husband and I were recently at a feminist workshop where attendees suggested programs that would be beneficial to women. There were many interesting and exciting ideas on how women can increase their participation in business, and how we can raise the earning power of women -- the 'wage gap' has got to go! Some things that were suggested include:

·         Continue programs that set aside a certain percentage of government contracts for women-owned businesses. We also recommend that the percentage of contracts reserved for women-owned businesses be increased

·         Develop policies that encourage private companies to set aside contracts for women-owned businesses.

·         Provide recognition for companies meeting targets for women-owned business participation

·         Provide zero-interest loans for women-owned businesses to expand or for groups of women looking to start a business.

·         Provide lower tax rates/tax credits for women-owned businesses

·         Provide tax exemption for educational activities and pursuits for women

·         Provide subsidized loans for women pursuing science and technology degrees, areas that have traditionally seen female under-representation. Forgive these loans if a woman enters and stays in the technology workforce for five years after graduation

·         Exempt women-owned businesses from corporate taxes for their first five years and gradually apply tax rates thereafter

·         Provide lower tax rates for women's earnings as a means of making up for the 'wage gap' that currently exists between men and women; women currently earn 74% of what men earn.

·         Provide incentives to businesses to have adequate female representation in their workforce as a whole and on each rung of the corporate ladder from professional to senior management. To close possible loopholes, place limits on the number of women in administrative and clerical jobs that can count against women employee targets. This would encourage the promotion of women into traditionally male, higher-level positions. It may also encourage businesses to hire men into traditionally female clerical and administrative positions, further breaking down gender stereotypes.

·         Gradually raise targets for staffing of women within a company. This would provide organizations the incentive to recruit, train, and promote women.

·         Change work rules to allow women to work part time to support both a family and a career.

·         Provide meaningful part-time work for women

·         Mandate that part-time women can return at any time to full-time employment status.

·         Require that a  woman on part-time status receive equal consideration for any promotions within her department and that she is offered any position for which she is qualified

·         Women on part-time status are to receive training and personal development opportunities as would a staff member working full time

·         If a part-time female staff member is determined to be the best candidate for a promotion, every effort must be made to have this as a part-time position if she so desires

·         Require that women on part-time status receive the same benefits and the same pay raise percentages they would were they employed full time

·         Make it easier for men to leave the workforce for homemaking to support a working wife

·         Part-time work may be available depending on the company situation.

·         The man could return to his old position and department within 10 years of taking 'working wife leave.'

·         Obtain funds from charitable organizations to launch grass roots efforts aimed at involving more women in political activities:

·         Recruit female candidates for political office

·         Develop women political activists

·         Support female campaigns

·         Organize 'get-out-the-women's-vote' activities in support of female candidates

These ideas were presented during a three-day conference. The majority of attendees were women, but there were a significant number of men who were active participants in the conference. These men agree with the Feminist agenda and want to actively support it. Lots of good suggestions that all of us are going to try to move forward. Some people thought that, while the suggestions were very exciting, it would be hard to get them into practice. They may be hard, but worth the effort. The status of women has improved since I met Dennis at a NOW meeting. Neither of us would have ever dreamed of the progress that's been made, so, who knows? We'd appreciate any other suggestions in this vein that others may have.

N

NANCY & DENNIS: MOVING AHEAD WITH A FEMALE-LED MARRIAGE – PART 2

Nancy writes: Women are bringing higher levels of education, solid experience, and a female perspective and demeanor that all fit well within an information-age economy. It's a woman's world. Women are increasingly in a position to control and manage both their work and personal lives and have every reason to do so. And, directly addressing women readers of this blog now, let me say that not only will you be happy taking control, but your man is going to be fulfilled, too.

Many men, upstaged by women in the workplace, are looking for a domestic role in support of a dynamic career woman. Fifty years ago women sought security by 'marrying well'  -- that is, by marrying a man with high career potential. Women at that time married above themselves. Today it's the same, only it's the MEN who are looking to marry a successful career woman; they are looking to marry above themselves! Yes, they're anxious to support a woman by becoming homemakers – so take advantage, ladies! There are some easy – well, relatively easy – steps to take. Here are the first two:

Step 1 – Recognize Your Innate Superiority and Act Accordingly

Unfortunately, many successful career women don't want to pursue female-led relationships because they fear some sort of social backlash. This may have been the case fifty years ago, but not today! Women are increasingly in dominant roles, while men are more submissive. Do you want to go home after a hard day of managing a company to cook dinner and clean up the kitchen? While hubby watches football!? Or do you want what you deserve -- to be welcomed home to a spotless house by an admiring husband, served dinner, and waited on? That's an easy question and you can have it your way!


Think about a few things:

• Women are emotionally, intellectually, and morally superior to men. We deserve to be in charge.
•  No Guilt! Don't feel guilty about controlling your relationship, about giving orders, or about controlling the money. And don't hesitate in confronting him when necessary; from our workshops many men tell us that when you do, he's likely to back down. Lesson learned? SHE'S THE BOSS!
• Men Love BITCHES! In the workshops we conduct, men consistently tell of their admiration for strong, assertive, alpha women and how desirable these women are. Do you think that sexy is a size 2 dress size?  Think again!  A size 12 woman with an attitude will trump the petite model any day!  Men want to work for strong women, serve them, obey them, and marry them. They see a positive relationship with strong women as security for themselves in a world where gender roles have been turned upside down.
• Men Love To Be Told What To Do! This is also a consistent message from our workshops and one that my husband also confirms. To their credit, most men really want to please women, but are clueless about what we want; so, ladies, tell them! And I don't mean tell them every little thing – that's game playing. Rather, lay out a broad routine of work and personal service and train him to do it; make it clear that this is what you expect. Every day he should have assigned housework to perform, errands, to run, and shopping to do -- in addition to looking after you. Men love routine and by providing one you make him happy. He'll feel that he is accomplishing something -- and he is! If he does as instructed, to your standards, then he will make you happy -- and he wants you to be happy, he really does! If he messes up though, he should understand that there will be consequences.

Step 2 - Start Early

Start asserting yourself early in a relationship. That first date or first chance meeting is an opportunity to condition him to your making the decisions. What we hear is that men are attracted to an assertive alpha woman, so make sure he sees that side of you.

• Allow him to suggest but NEVER to decide; you're the decision maker and he needs to accept that.
• Expect him to pay your way; it's a first step toward your managing the money later.  Besides, dating you is a privilege!
• Make requests of him as a way of his learning to obey; over time requests become instructions. And put aside 'please' and 'thank you'.  They're not needed.

You can move slowly to establish your leadership, but if he shows acceptance – and most men will – by all means move more quickly. As he accepts your authority, you can be more direct and assertive. Expect him to do more and more for you over time.  I never counted on Dennis doing all for me that he does, but it's happened.  And, of course, once you've moved beyond a point, there's no going back; an FLR is forever!