ALPHA_BY_DAY: THE FLR & FEMDOM DIVIDE

As still very much a newbie, I find it fascinating to explore the many aspects that surround female led relationships. My understanding continues to evolve, and I waiver between “what I know I know” and “what I think I know.” You know?

One of the biggest surprises for me on my journey this year has been the perceived divide between those who espouse “vanilla” FLR lifestyles and those who espouse “kinky” FLR lifestyles. And my premise going in was definitely that we, the lucky few who acknowledge both the benefits and atonement that come with FLRs, are all one tribe. To some degree, perhaps a very important degree, we are kindred spirits. 

I consider myself to be a very inclusive person. I love the differences in people and truly enjoy learning from those who with different backgrounds and beliefs. Intellectually, I find it stimulating and emotionally I find it gratifying to cultivate diverse friendships. I’d love to talk with anyone who lives in an FLR lifestyle. I don’t care what else you do or don’t do, I’m interested.

I set up a group on a social network a few months ago with the intent of finding others in my area who are interested in female led relationships. Naturally, in the key word descriptors I used a wide range of adjacent topics. They even recommend it as you set up your group because casting a wide net is how you build a successful social group, right? Makes sense. I used words like “romance,” “courtship” and “female empowerment,” but I also used words like “BDSM relationships” and “femdom.” After all, FLRs are different things to different people. Not better or worse, just different.

One of the male members sent me a message that caught me off guard:

Can I just say that I find the description of FLR's as "BDSM Relationships" here on the site to be a negative? I think women find 'bdsm' off-putting and way too sexual to be appealing. The description 'FLR' was created to make these women-led relationships more appealing and palatable to women who [don’t] like the overly sexualized imagery that bdsm offers. Men, like me, are seeking strong confident women as lovers and leaders; not dominatrixes.

Now I certainly respect his opinion. And I very much agree that some women have exactly the opinion he expresses. And I’m great with that. But I also think it’s important to acknowledge that FLRs can include BDSM aspects as well. Some women enjoy it, some do not. Just like some women like Italian food and others do not. Life is a menu with limitless options. I don’t see this as any different really.

I have met a wide array of people this year with an interest in FLRs and they are as disparate as any other subset of society. I met a dominant woman who’s an accountant. I met a submissive man who’s also an accountant. I know several dominant women who are small business owners and consultants. I know dominant women and submissive men who are in sales and marketing. One likes ultimate Frisbee. One likes photography. Several eat primarily organic, non-GMO foods. Some have kids. Others do not. Some like cats, some dogs, some both.  Some neither.  And yes, some like kinky stuff and others don’t. Some are heterosexual, some not. Yes friends, believe me, there are plenty of FLRs between two women.

As a result I find it hard to judge any of these people as better or worse or one FLR any more appropriate than another. We all believe in female leadership and the benefits that come from it. From every one of them I have learned something this year, and I’m grateful for the opportunity.

One of the things I’ve gained is a certain perspective. For instance, as I discussed in an earlier guest post, I’ve long had a problem with the term “submissive.” (No one in my vanilla life would believe me if I said that I’m a submissive man; it just doesn’t fit my personality.) But if I have a visceral response to the term “submissive,” others may have the same response to “dominant.” It may conjure stereotypical, porn-induced images. I get that. You don’t need a riding crop and corset to be in charge. And obviously BDSM isn’t for everyone. Heck, there’s a lexicon all its own and some of the practices under the BDSM umbrella are pretty severe. I can certainly see where that could be off-putting for many folks; indeed, some of it is off-putting to me, as well.

A wise woman whom I regard as both mentor and friend described “kink” as a big tent and under that tent, she said, all are welcome. I like the metaphor. So if I happen to have this interest and you happen to have that interest, we’re all just doing our own thing and should reserve judgment.

I would like to think of FLRs in very much the same way. Surely, we have enough commonality in our thinking around female empowerment and leadership that we can all accept one another’s variations on the main theme, especially in regard to what goes on behind closed doors. It’s encouraging to see more and more people interested in female led relationships. I have tried for many years to convert girlfriends to the belief, only to have them misinterpret or flat out reject the idea. So I can certainly appreciate the sensitivity around the adjacent imagery and bizarre stereotypes that can be associated.

Here is the response I gave to the comment above:

You make an interesting point. There is no right or wrong way to view female-led relationships. Each relationship is whatever the two participants choose it to be (BDSM, vanilla, or otherwise). Also, please remember, when you say "I think women find BDSM off-putting," you are forgetting the essential qualifier, "some." Some women find BDSM off-putting, others certainly do not, something I have personal experience with (in both cases actually).

I'm quite sure there are plenty of women seeking exactly what you're looking for, but we are not here to condemn anyone's viewpoints on FLRs or any adjacent topics or activities. One of the discussion topics lists a variety of "types of FLRs." Clearly they are not all BDSM-related.

All are welcome here; please keep an open mind to the viewpoints of others.

For me, the bottom line is that an FLR can be whatever the two parties consent to within the guidance of her leadership.