DENNIS: EARNING THE RIGHT TO SERVE

(Note from Mark Remond: As Dennis has responded at some length to a recent reader comment on “DENNIS: MNO X 3,” I decided to make it a separate post.)

From “Surrendered Husband”:

Could you give some guidance as to how a man can prevent a woman from serving him? I do not want to give offense. Many women feel natural doing that and when my wife takes me to other ladies homes I always jump right in with the ladies who are cleaning up or serving. They mostly love it but regularly tell me that I do not 'need to' do this or that, but that they have it under control.

I always tell them that it is my pleasure and would feel remiss in my duties as guest if I did not 'help out'.

My wife generally excuses herself or rests in plain sight like the other men do.

I am interested in how Yoshi, who seems to come from a traditional male oriented culture could be convinced so quickly to relax and become 'the boss'.

I would LOVE to have the ladies I serve while visiting simply stop working and turn it all over to me, but I can not simply order them to relax now can I?

 

—Surrendered

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Dennis replies:

“Surrendered Husband,” you ask a good question. Unfortunately, societal norms are such that women are taught to serve others. This is based on the old rules of patriarchy and has to be changed. As progressive gentlemen it's our responsibility to drive such changes through our actions. From your posting i have to say that you can NEVER order the Ladies; rather, you have to earn the right to serve, as i'll explain. Your Wife should always excuse herself from work; she is there to enjoy herself. men, on the other hand, should be serving, not relaxing; Women are going to have to change male expectations of being served.

One of the reasons Women often want to serve at a gathering is that they feel that men are either unable or unwilling to do so. You have to dispel such thoughts by demonstrating your skills and willingness and should enlist the support of your Wife in doing so.

So, what can you do to expedite such change? Well, a number of things:

§  Make sure your serving skills are up to par. Have your Wife invite her mother and sisters for a social with the intent of observing and critiquing your performance. Make all the corrections they suggest. You want to be up to the task and exceed Women's expectations.

§  If you and your Wife are going to a party or other social gathering, ask to Her

speak with the hostess ahead of time to let her know of your desire to prepare and serve Women at such events.

§  Many Women see men as being incompetent in preparing and graciously serving a party or social gathering; make sure that you are up to the high standards Women have and that your wife communicates this to the hostess. The hostess needs to be assured that you will do a good job and meet her standards for service.

§  You may want to showcase your talents to the hostess by having your Wife invite her for a casual coffee or tea where you serve them and thus demonstrate your skills. This can be a larger event where a number of women are invited and served, depending on the situation

§  When you arrive at the party, be ready to work, go right to the kitchen, put on your apron and get to work.

§  Respect the women; it's always "Yes, Ma'am," "Ladies, what may i bring you?" and so on. Be attentive but not intrusive.

§  If any men attend the event, have your wife playfully but firmly direct them to the kitchen to be a part of preparing and serving the meal or refreshments. Make sure She tells all of them that "in our house an evening out for the women is just that; the men prepare, serve, and clean up!"

§  And, i might add, that at our house and in the homes of other FLR couples, men may be present but are NEVER served! Men congregate in the kitchen TO serve! This is one of many protocols we have in Nancy's family. This particular protocol is one of many written rules we have that set the household order and define male roles.

§  Again, your Wife can be a big help. If the women have congregated in the kitchen to prepare a meal or refreshments, have your Wife bring them out to sit and chat, saying, "My husband can do this, why don't you come and relax!" i'm betting that a number of Women will follow her lead. As you demonstrate your skills, it's likely that the other Women will have the confidence in you to sit and relax as well.

You ask about Yoshi. Yes, she quickly learned to like being served, perhaps because it was so much different from what she was used to. In her culture women serve, but in an FLR Women are served! It was a wonderful experience for her, so much so that She said, "I can get used to this service from men." For Her, it was throwing off patriarchy. She found that when she insisted on her husband doing things, his macho facade fell away and his true submissive character came out. She is not only having him do houseworkm but she's going to have him do a tea service party for her and some of her friends; her mother is training him. i am delighted to report that Yoshi is well on Her way to an FLR. She has an interesting story as the myth of male superiority has completely crumbled right in front of her with relatively little effort. Her husband feels better, too, "no longer having to live the lie."  i'm happy to help him make the transition to the lifestyle.

So, a long reply, but you have to be willing to serve and serve competently. Women were skeptical of my abilities to coordinate and serve parties, but no more. Nancy and Sue are often asked to “borrow” me for an evening to serve a party for one of their Woman friends. I'm only too happy to do so!

--d