AMANDA: TAKING CONTROL AT AN EARLY AGE

(Note from Mark Remond: I mentioned Amanda in a previous post, Ask Your Mother, as an articulate advocate of Female Led Families. Before sharing some glimpses into her own matriarchal household, Amanda offers the following self-introduction in her own words.)

 

I think it’s important to know a little bit about my upbringing as it played a large part in shaping my future as an alpha female. I will start with my teenage years and in a later post discuss how I met my husband.

 

My parents both worked, and our family was reasonably well off. I was the middle child of three with two brothers. One was a year older and the other two years younger than me. My brothers were typical teenage boys, idle, inattentive and nearly always in their bedrooms.

 

My life took a memorable turn one Saturday morning when I was 16. My parents went out shopping and I left for a girlfriend’s house, but returned earlier than expected to pick up a CD she wanted to borrow. Entering the house I heard laughing from my elder brother’s bedroom. I knocked on his door and walked in—and was shocked by what I saw. Both boys were sitting on the bed watching a porn video. It was disgusting stuff—well, for a 16-year-old girl!—involving two men and a woman. Leave it at that.

 

I was so angry (particularly with my elder brother for exposing a 14-year-old boy to this stuff) that I walked right to the video recorder and ejected the tape. I then informed my brothers that I would be showing Mum what they’d been watching. They knew—we all knew—that she would be livid. They pleaded with me not to tell her, but I was adamant and walked out of the room with the tape.

 

My older brother ran after me and said he would do anything as long as I didn’t tell Mum. He was really scared. This got me thinking. Anything? We all had chores to do in our house—cleaning bedrooms, doing our own washing and ironing, etc. I told my brother that if he and my younger brother cleaned my bedroom and cleared away the breakfast dishes (my job that particular day), then I would think about not telling Mum. He agreed, and I went back to my friend’s house with the incriminating video (in case my brothers tried to take it back) and my CD.

 

On my return I found they had done a pretty good job, but I told them that I would not be returning the tape. The matter would probably have ended there except for another incident a couple of weeks later. I went into my little brother’s bedroom (while he was out) to retrieve a CD I’d loaned him earlier (I had a big music collection!). When I couldn’t find it, I started to rummage through some of his things. That’s when I found several pornographic magazines hidden behind some books on a shelf.

 

I confronted my brother with the magazines on his return. I told him this time I would definitely tell Mum. He started crying and pleading. He told me he had only borrowed the magazines from his brother!

 

To cut to the chase, I did not tell my mother. Instead, the following Saturday while our parents were out of the house, I made my brothers burn all the magazines (in the back garden) but two, which I kept as evidence should I ever need it. When only ashes remained, I told them to come into the living room where I informed them that things were going to be changing for them. I told them that they were both immature and could not be trusted. Therefore, from that moment onward, they would be doing exactly as I told them.

 

There were some feeble protests, but I cut those short with the simple threat of telling Mum about their nasty habits!

 

As promised, from that time forward I had my brothers doing all my chores as well as their own, and some additional ones for Mum and Dad. In fact, it wasn't long before my mother was commenting that she’d noticed a change in the boys’ attitude and was very pleased.

 

I, too, felt pleased—with myself, and I enjoyed my new authority. Something that I particularly enjoyed thereafter was conducting random inspections of the boys’ rooms. I would walk in without knocking (which I had always done in the past) and start looking under the mattress, pulling out books and turning out drawers. I never found anything pornographic again, but I enjoyed the fact that they didn’t dare complain, but meekly accepted these regular intrusions. I would then leave, after instructing them to make sure everything was put back tidily and in order.

 

I’ll pause here, but, if anyone is interested, in future posts I’ll write a bit about how this power (and moral authority) over my brothers affected my subsequent relationships with boyfriends and eventually with my husband and my own family.

 

Love—Amanda

ASK YOUR MOTHER

One wife worship theme I hope to feature with future guest bloggers is Female Led Families. It was my first guest blogger, Becky Sue, who introduced this idea to these pages:

We are not just a “female led marriage” but a "female led family." Our daughters are always having their friends over. Their friends are all aware that my husband is the one who does all the housework. They are there when he comes home from work and starts right in on dinner, or perhaps the laundry, while I am there reading or enjoying myself on our deck. Their friends are right there and hear me tell him to do a certain chore and he never argues.

Predictably, some readers were offended by these candid comments. It was as if the domestic arrangement Becky Sue described had little or nothing to do with the basic tenets of female led relationships or what this blog calls wife worship.

I beg to differ. I, too, am part of a Female Led Family. My children were aware early on that

Mom was the boss, the final decision-maker, the one with the money, the maker of family schedules, etc., etc. How could they not be? How could I hide this reality from them?

And why should I? I am not ashamed to honor and obey my wife, to benefit from her superior judgment, her practical commonsense and wisdom, her financial responsibility. I am proud to acknowledge her as my leader, as the head of our family and household.

Were not children raised to accept patriarchy as the natural state of affairs all these decades, all these centuries? Why, then, should the tenets, practices and underlying beliefs of matriarchy be concealed from children?

My daughter, in particular, recognized from an early age that “Mom is the head of the house.” She knew not to bother with Dad when she wanted permission to go somewhere or to request a cash infusion. (Especially when, around age 15, her allowance was larger than Dad’s.)

Does that mean my daughter disrespected me, or loved me the less? No. She simply recognized the practical power structure within the marriage. But she was not, and is not, averse to giving me advice, which I am not too proud to take.

Since Becky Sue’s guest posts, I have been in correspondence with several women who have implemented similar matriarchal rules in their family to positive effect. Husbands and sons are learning gentlemanly virtues, to not only respect, but to defer to the opposite sex. Teenage sisters are being actively encouraged to take on responsibility and leadership roles within the family, in preparation for later life.

One of my matriarchal correspondents, Amanda, has agreed to share a bit about her life—and more, I hope, in later posts. As she wrote me, “It does make sense to promote the message of strong women taking control of their families and careers. We owe it to women out there to show them that they can ‘have it all.’” She goes on:

I am a woman who believes that men and boys should always respect women and girls. My husband and I are both in our 30s. We have three children, a daughter 11 and twins (a girl and a boy) 9.

Obviously they are all too young to fully understand the female led dynamic that I have with my husband—although I suspect our eldest knows more than she admits. I recently overheard her telling her younger sister who wanted to join a sleepover at a friend's house, “Don't bother asking Dad, it's Mum who decides." How right she was—and is!

It is my wish to bring up all my children to be happy and successful. For the girls this means a good education and career and taking charge of their lives. I teach them to be self-reliant and not to play second fiddle to boys. Similarly for my son, I am teaching him that respecting girls and women is key to his happiness and success. For instance, he is often praised by my women friends when he holds doors open for them or when he stands when they enter the room. I have taught him the importance of these small courtesies.

I would add that I love all of my children equally.

As I wrote in an earlier post (She Decides, I Abide, 5.30.08):

I know my limitations, and the kids know them, too. If it was just the three of us, we’d be living in a chaotic house, without rules. But we all three know that Mother Knows Best, she makes the rules and will enforce them.

That creates order in the home, as well as harmony, domestic tranquility.

Yes, the kids sometimes challenge the rightness of her decisions, though in the end they know she will prevail. I have learned not to challenge, not only because I know she will win, but because I know she is right.

She decides, and I abide by her decisions.

My wife’s judgment and common sense leave mine far behind, and we both recognize it. She sits at the head of the family table. She is our spiritual leader, making sure we all go to church. The kids and I recognize her ascendancy. “Go ask your mother” is my frequent answer to a whole host of questions. The kids know that dad rarely has the last word.

A final word from an anonymous dominant woman: “I believe that the natural order is for

Females to be in control. Personally, I find it kind of funny that males think they're in charge in relationships or family situations, because in all of the families I've observed, when one of the children asks their father for something, they say ‘go ask your mother.’”

A FOND FAREWELL TO NANCY AND DENNIS

A few days ago, in a response to a comment on her previous post, Ms. Nancy announced that she and her husband Dennis would no longer be contributing to this blog. Here is her actual signoff: A feminist we know often says that we should think globally and act locally in promoting an enhanced role for women in the workplace and in their personal relationships. It's time to follow this wise woman's sage advice and refocus our efforts locally through our workshops and volunteer activities. So, back into the ether. This is our last blog. Good-bye! I want to thank Nancy and Dennis publicly for holding the FLR banner high in this space for the last ten months. I was proud to step aside and yield the podium—especially to Ms. Nancy. Her powerful and commanding presence will remain here, unmistakable in her many provocative posts. I am confident that, through these forceful writings, she will continue to influence my readers on behalf of female empowerment. I wish Ms. Nancy and her devoted Dennis continued success in their work. And so we go on. I’m in the process of lining up several additional guest bloggers, people who will bring a diversity of views and experience in regard to the wonderful world of Female Led. With their help in the weeks and months ahead, I hope WorshippingYour Wife will become even more of an entertaining must-check destination for those in the lifestyle (and for those wanting to be). And, oh, by the way, if any readers would like to submit ideas or sample posts to be considered, please do so! I’d love to open up this blog to even more new voices. (Ms. Siobhan, are you listening?) Just email me at markremond@yahoo.com

TOWARD A LIFELONG FEMALE-LED MARRIAGE: OUTSIDE INFLUENCES – Part 2

Books, magazines and hobbies are opportunities to involve your man in constructive activities that heighten his appreciation of women and our perspectives. These are great ways to productively occupy your man's leisure time.

·         Your man shouldn’t be reading books and magazines that are derogatory to women or that perpetuate traditional female stereotypes. Insist that he read the same magazines as you. Men can benefit from reading “women’s” magazines. They can learn what is important to women by reading these magazines and should be required to do so. Men may be skeptical at first but will come to enjoy the viewpoints and practical tips many “women's” magazines provide.

·         Since men are doing more and more housekeeping, books and magazines that deal with homemaking are certainly appropriate; get your man reading, ladies!

·         To make sure your man is reading appropriate magazines, get him a subscription in his name. If you subscribe to the same magazine(s), it's an opportunity to engage your man in discussions about certain articles and features.

·         Insist that your man have a “feminine” craft or hobby. One woman has her son-in-law doing needlepoint and he’s now learning to knit. Many other husbands have – and enjoy – such hobbies as a result of their wife’s urging. It's a great way for your man to expend creative energy and to use any down time you allow him. Dennis enjoys knitting, a shared interest with Mother. He's embarked on an ambitious project to knit a scarf for women friends and family; that's nearly twenty scarves before Christmas. Get knitting, sweetheart!

A woman might also have her man “come out of the closet” with his hobby by joining a craft group. Consider a knitting club or sewing circle. Dennis is involved with Mother's knitting group and her romance reader group. To be sure, his primary role is serving the women, but he participates in the discussions. Dennis regards typical male activities as boring but looks forward to social events involving Mother and her friends.

·         Reading romance novels is immensely beneficial to men. Romance novels portray women in a favorable light and communicate women’s desires, values and fantasies. One sees not only a positive image of women but also a realistic image of men. The male character is always a self-centered egotist – until the woman completely takes control by the end of the story!

Romance novels are wonderfully addictive to men as well as women. Mother got Dennis reading romance. The two of them share and discuss books. He always packs a few romance novels for trips out of town as he has lots of time to read after his early curfew. When Mother holds one of her Girls’ Night Out events at our home, dennis serves but is also allowed to participate.

·         Occupy your man’s time with a social or charitable activity. Involve him in a local feminist group. They'll put him to work stuffing envelopes, cleaning up, making copies – whatever is needed. And he'll be working for some aggressive women;  that should teach him some humility!

·         I'll say it again, workshops around Feminist topics are also beneficial. We have some impromptu meetings, mostly with women, but we're starting to see more couples – we don't accommodate single men. Topics range widely but some of the more energetic discussions involve men taking the woman's name in marriage, prenuptial agreements, the gender quake, and men doing more (why not all?) housework.

·         Take a casual learning class together. Cooking, art, and ballet classes are only a few suggestions.

N

TOWARD A LIFELONG FEMALE-LED MARRIAGE: OUTSIDE INFLUENCES – Part 1

Women we know who are in a female-led relationship have commented that it’s important to exercise control over their man’s friends and social activities. Those whom he associates with outside the home can have a detrimental effect on a woman’s efforts to run the household.

• A woman should be aware of who her husband is associating with and what they are doing. Peer pressure can have a very bad influence on even the best of men, and women need to intervene. A woman should prohibit her man from associating with bellicose men who are potential bad influences.

Ladies, consider that you’ve done a lot of work training him, so don’t let that good work be undone by a few out-of-control men.

Friends can have a positive influence on your man, as well. Encourage him to associate with men you deem appropriate. If his friends are docile and obey their wives, it will be that much easier for him to do so. Men love being “one of the guys”; make sure your man is “one of the guys” cleaning house, doing ironing and obeying his wife.

• Women might establish a network—yes, networking again, but it’s effective!—with the wives of their man’s friends. These women are no doubt interested in keeping tabs on things, and this is a great way to do it. When men know that their wives talk, they’re less likely to misbehave.

• We don’t advise that men be allowed outside activities unless supervised, at least in the early stages of an FLR. If such a “men’s night out” is allowed, women should be aware of who will be involved, what they will be doing and when their man will return. Men’s night out should be planned with the wives of other attendees, and the women should insist on a full account of what took place when their men return.

Of course, men’s night out (or “boys’ night out”) should be an infrequent occurrence. Such events are a burden to women and keep men from doing things they should be doing.

At least in the early stages of an FLR, many men adhere to a code of silence when it comes to reporting on what other men do or say. Your man should realize that he has an obligation to you and to other women to report on activities when the guys get together. If your man doesn’t, then he’s just as guilty as the ones who misbehave and should be subject to appropriate discipline.

Progressive gentlemen who are in an FLR will be only too happy to be involved in your network. Such men naturally lose interest in “guy” activities but are happy to continue attending them to keep an eye on things for the women. Dennis and his friend, Tom, dislike male activities, find them juvenile and boring, but they get satisfaction from helping women keep control.

A number of women we’ve spoken with forbid their husbands going out for extended periods or on weekend trips. We’ve heard numerous horror stories of men going to hunting or fishing “lodges” where very little hunting or fishing—but lots of drinking and carousing—takes place. Generally any non-business overnight trips are bad news and should be avoided.

• If men want to go on an overnight trip, why not consider having at least one or two of the wives accompany them to keep tabs on things; men do need a chaperone! If they don’t want women along, then you’ve got to wonder what they were planning. Permission to take the trip—DENIED!
• Insist that your man participate in some of your activities. Have him attend the theater, the ballet, and movies of your choosing. He should be accompanying you on shopping trips and to fashion shows and associating with you and your friends. They’re going to be much better influences on him than many of his friends who’ve yet to shake off the prejudicial thinking of patriarchy. Dennis loves being invited to “Girl’s Night Out,” a weekly event that includes mother, four of our women friends, and the occasional progressive gentlemen or two. It is an evening for women, so we call the shots as to what we’re going to do and if we want men along. We are under no obligation. Guys being invited to Girl’s Night Out is a real privilege that’s earned, not lightly granted.

Consider involving him in volunteer work at a local charity or Women’s Center. The less idle time he has, the better. His volunteering time for a Woman’s Center or feminist group has an added advantage. Not only will he be productively occupied, but he’ll typically be working with assertive women—good role models! Dennis has been working with a local women’s group for years. Every Wednesday is his day to go to the center and do whatever they need done. It could be cleaning up, making copies, filing or doing computer work. Since he’s a manager at his company, on occasion he conducts career courses for women; courses such as “interview skills,” “computer basics,” etc. Many of these workshops are aimed at women re-entering the workforce. And, of course, there are workshops aimed at encouraging women to be more assertive in their relationships with men, whether in the workplace or at home.

--N