Saturday, May 4, 2013

TOWARD A LIFELONG FEMALE-LED MARRIAGE: OUTSIDE INFLUENCES – Part 2

Books, magazines and hobbies are opportunities to involve your man in constructive activities that heighten his appreciation of women and our perspectives. These are great ways to productively occupy your man's leisure time.

·         Your man shouldn’t be reading books and magazines that are derogatory to women or that perpetuate traditional female stereotypes. Insist that he read the same magazines as you. Men can benefit from reading “women’s” magazines. They can learn what is important to women by reading these magazines and should be required to do so. Men may be skeptical at first but will come to enjoy the viewpoints and practical tips many “women's” magazines provide.

·         Since men are doing more and more housekeeping, books and magazines that deal with homemaking are certainly appropriate; get your man reading, ladies!

·         To make sure your man is reading appropriate magazines, get him a subscription in his name. If you subscribe to the same magazine(s), it's an opportunity to engage your man in discussions about certain articles and features.

·         Insist that your man have a “feminine” craft or hobby. One woman has her son-in-law doing needlepoint and he’s now learning to knit. Many other husbands have – and enjoy – such hobbies as a result of their wife’s urging. It's a great way for your man to expend creative energy and to use any down time you allow him. Dennis enjoys knitting, a shared interest with Mother. He's embarked on an ambitious project to knit a scarf for women friends and family; that's nearly twenty scarves before Christmas. Get knitting, sweetheart!
A woman might also have her man “come out of the closet” with his hobby by joining a craft group. Consider a knitting club or sewing circle. Dennis is involved with Mother's knitting group and her romance reader group. To be sure, his primary role is serving the women, but he participates in the discussions. Dennis regards typical male activities as boring but looks forward to social events involving Mother and her friends.

·         Reading romance novels is immensely beneficial to men. Romance novels portray women in a favorable light and communicate women’s desires, values and fantasies. One sees not only a positive image of women but also a realistic image of men. The male character is always a self-centered egotist – until the woman completely takes control by the end of the story!

Romance novels are wonderfully addictive to men as well as women. Mother got Dennis reading romance. The two of them share and discuss books. He always packs a few romance novels for trips out of town as he has lots of time to read after his early curfew. When Mother holds one of her Girls’ Night Out events at our home, dennis serves but is also allowed to participate.

·         Occupy your man’s time with a social or charitable activity. Involve him in a local feminist group. They'll put him to work stuffing envelopes, cleaning up, making copies – whatever is needed. And he'll be working for some aggressive women;  that should teach him some humility!

·         I'll say it again, workshops around Feminist topics are also beneficial. We have some impromptu meetings, mostly with women, but we're starting to see more couples – we don't accommodate single men. Topics range widely but some of the more energetic discussions involve men taking the woman's name in marriage, prenuptial agreements, the gender quake, and men doing more (why not all?) housework.

·         Take a casual learning class together. Cooking, art, and ballet classes are only a few suggestions.

N

20 comments:

Anonymous said...

You stated that you prompt prenuptial agreements in your female led groups. Can you give a general idea of the type of clauses that should be in one of these agreements?

Anonymous said...

Great post. I was able to use the Internet also for information. When I started doing all the laundry I wanted to surprise my wife and show her how I could fold all her clothes properly and she was impressed. She was also s big fan of Worshiping Your Wife one and two. Both books were a big influence on the start of our WLM.We still refer back to them from time to time.

Anonymous said...

This latest blog message from Nancy really hits a sweet spot for me. I did not have strong feminine influences on my life when young, and have been trying to make up for it ever since by learning from women. I deeply believe that female values, perspectives, and ways of life are superior to male ones. To some that may seem sexist. But isn’t it true that the most exemplary of men have female values: love, compassion, appreciation of beauty, empathy, and emotional openness. These values are celebrated in men, but because of patriarchy are ignored in women where they are most prevalent. Male values and ways are inferior because they are ego-centered values. Most men live their lives largely cut off from all but the most superficial reality and tend to rely more on the authority of rules and theories. Because women are more intuitively in touch with life, they temper theories and rules with reality.

But, men can learn if they adapt themselves to women’s ways. If they can only begin to liberate themselves from the patriarchal mindset, they can, as Nancy says, read women’s magazines and novels, adopt feminine pastimes, and learn from female role models. Almost everything that’s made me a better person in my adult life has come from women and female values. Thank you Nancy for your insights, your example, and your leadership.

LS

Anonymous said...

I loved the stories by Mark. One of the features I loved is that they don't have pictures in them. For me pictures are generally a big turn off (especially if there are men there, even if they are clothed)

Alex

Anonymous said...

I think that there is an increasing understanding and adulation of women centred pursuits. Take patchwork quilts. An art form dominated almost exclusively by women. Not until the last couple of decade has this pursuit been given the accolades it should have. And why because it is women's art work.

The taking part too in making them is a team effort often. This builds on such Female priorities such as team work and co operation.

Femsup

Anonymous said...

Hello Nancy / Dennis,

I am new to your blog and posted a question earlier with regards to prenuptial agreements. I never received a response however. Are there certain things that are ok to ask and some things that you would prefer not to share? Thank you.

- Michael

Nancy and Dennis said...

Anonymous ("Michael") -

I work in a management position as well as undertaking a variety of Feminist and educational activities. Writing a blog is a secondary pursuit that takes a lot of time. I'm sorry you have had to wait for a response, but such is life.

One of the things I was going to suggest as far as prenuptial agreements are concerned is that women contact an attorney concerning structuring one. This is particularly important if she is going to bring significant assets into the marriage. Otherwise, women need to work with their husband-to-be to come to an understanding of what she expects of him in the context of marriage.

N

Nancy and Dennis said...

LS -

Thank you so much for your excellent response; it deserves an immediate reply and perhaps a separate post. One of the benefits that men gain from a woman-run situation, at home, at work, or in society in general, is that the predominant behaviors and values become those of women.

We are seeing an influx of women into the workplace and, as such, we are seeing women's values front and center. Women are compassionate, inclusive, and embrace diversity. Their values and their increasing levels of education are exactly what is required in a post-industrial, information-based society. What women bring is just what is needed to manage an increasingly skilled workforce of creative people. Managing creative people means collaboration, not confrontation. The heavy-handed male management model doesn't apply; the female model does. Men would do well to learn from women; doing so will allow them to thrive in the new, women-managed workplace.

Now you are correct that men need to liberate themselves from patriarchy. Fortunately, this will be easy for a great many men who are fed up with patriarchy and work just as hard as women to hasten its demise.

As far as your not having female role models growing up; well, you seem to be doing pretty well.

N

Nancy and Dennis said...

Anonymous ("Femsup" on patchwork quilts) -

You are correct that female pursuits and interests are now being recognized for the art forms that they are. Historically, women have not held positions of authority so their interests and skills were marginalized or dismissed as irrelevant - the patriarchal system at work!

No more!

Women's increasing influence means that their interests, pastimes, and artwork will become more mainstream as male participation in them is increasingly acceptable. It's not at all uncommon to encounter men in traditionally female crafts. And not just because men are taking on more domestic responsibilities. To the contrary, even men who work outside the home are coming to appreciate women's crafts, literature, and so on as enjoyable and worth exploring.

It's now OK for men to knit or read a romance novel and men are eagerly doing so. And if men still feel ostracized by other males for participating in such activities, they will find women more than welcoming.

Even before the current surge in male interest in knitting and other crafts, my husband and other progressive gentlemen embraced them. Dennis loves romance novels, knitting, both of which he shares with others as a member of mother's romance reading group and her knitting circle. Recently, dennis and his friend Tom crossed that gender line again, this time by taking courses in the Japanese arts of Ikebana, flower arranging, and tea service. The woman who taught these supposed 'feminine arts' was thrilled to have male students in her classes. There is a richness to be gained by trying new things that have for so long been denied men, who are also victims of patriarchy.

N

Anonymous said...

Just a couple of comments...
I remember reading an article in the Wall St. Journal a couple of years ago about male truck drivers who had taken up knitting. Some of your readers may want to google the article.

I enjoy reading women's magazines. At first it was to have more empathy and understanding of my wife, but now I truly enjoy it. The magazines I read are: Marie Claire (particularly like the movie reviews, columns on relationships and sex, and investigative reports), Vanidades (it helps with my Spanish, and my mother in law is particularly happy that I read this one), Martha Stewart Living (for home decor, gardening, cooking, etc.).

I really believe that for the patriarchal mindset to disappear, men must consciously try to empathize with women and adopt a feminine oriented perspective in their daily lives...

Anonymous said...

One more quick commment...

I think it is helpful if men start decorating their homes with more of a feminine decor. By this I mean more use of feminine colors such as lavender, lime, citrus, etc. Using feminine accent pieces such as floral pillows, light colored furniture (antique white for example).

By being immersed in feminine surroundings, one can't help but have a somewhat different orientation in outlook...

Anonymous said...

I'm so eager to read the rest of this. Question: where does the slave word come into place? When does a hubby become your property = slave?

Nancy and Dennis said...

Anonymous ("when does the 'slave' word come into play?") -

The "slave word" doesn't as far as I'm concerned - look elsewhere.

N

Anonymous said...

I have just discovered this blog.

I bought the book "Worshipping Your Wife" and am a stealth submissive. However, what I read and what I find on this blog are completely different.

The blog seems to tell men to read only women's magazines and start crafts. Earlier entries say that men must put on an apron upon entering the house, and listen exclusively to women's conversations without joining in.

Is there a disconnect? Serving my wife, being her Grail Knight, doesn't mean I feminize myself and renounce all masculine traits (good and bad) does it?

GF

Mark Remond said...

Dear Anonymous (GF) -

Yes, a slight disconnect. This is Mark Remond. I wrote the Worshipping Your Wife book and posted blogs here (later collected into a second book) from 2007 until about a year ago, when I needed to devote myself full-time to other writing projects.

Rather than have to the blog go silent, after looking about, I asked Nancy and Dennis if they would be interested in being exclusive guest posters or guest bloggers. I was fortunate, and am delighted, that they consented.

Obviously their focus, especially that of Ms. Nancy, differs from mine, but the ultimate direction, toward female authority in a marriage, is something with which I am in complete accord.

I do not exercise any kind of editorial oversight. In fact, their wife-led marriage is several orders of intensity beyond mine, and I say, more power to them!

But you are right; there has been a discontinuity of tone and topic. But I am quite happy with the result.

Kathy said...

There is nothing wrong with a man learning how to sew, set a table properly, or arrange flowers. This is part of what a modern man must due in order to serve a mistress.
Yet, there should be a certain balance.

While my experiences have been limited, I have been associated with half a dozen women who have lived in something of a femdom or flr. As best as I can determine not one of these women had any desire to feminize their man.

Being obedient to a woman, serving a wife should not make a husband into something of a feminized caricature of a man. Real women still want real men.

My concern is that allthough blogs like this are well meaning, they can be a turn off to women who are exploring. And yes, everyday, and every hour there is a man out there who is asking his wife to take charge.

If I wanted a wife I would marry a woman. What I want is an obedient husband who knows how to serve. The fact that he likes to hunt, watch sports, and golf is fine with me.

Kathy

Kathy

Nancy and Dennis said...

For Kathy -

Seems that we are missing the boat here in so many ways, yet, somehow, I have a satisfying relationship with a great man who I'm very proud of despite what others may see as shortcomings.

Our approach to FLRs allows men crossing gender lines to partake in things that have traditionally been associated with women; some are reading much more into this than what is intended. Were women the 'superior sex' their activities and interests would be the norm and men invited to participate, no questions asked - and no condemnation given when they did. Just as women can now cross gender lines to participate in male activities without being judged negatively. That women have yet to reach that pinnacle condemns men to ridicule when they cross the mythical gender line, proof from my perspective that women still have a long way to go. And provides an inducement to us to act accordingly.

A feminist we know often says that we should think globally and act locally in promoting an enhanced role for women in the workplace and in their personal relationships. It's time to follow this wise woman's sage advice and refocus our efforts locally through our workshops and volunteer activities. So, back into the ether. This is our last blog. Good bye!

N

Anonymous said...

We will miss you and your advice... Thank you..

Anonymous said...

I sincerely hope that you have not decided to leave us as the both of you have so much wisdom.

But if it is your decision that you pursue what you feel more constructive,productive or more influential avenues then you must do what your heart and mind tells you.

What I have to say is that I have learnt much from you both and that other people both less politically aware and more so will have also advanced their knowledge.

Femsup

Kelly Kramer said...

I Ike this article and don't get me wrong my husband and I are in a femdom relationship but I don't believe in this blogs view of female supremacy, and I think that in a femdom relationship it is about EVERYONE benefiting from it, but in the blog by nancy and Dennis it is clearly and obviously what I feel to be about taking advantage of ones submission, which I view as a treasure, most of nancy and Dennis blogs are sexual driven if anything, "he'll be working for some aggressive women, that will teach him humility".... it isn't about taking advantage of ones submission or using it purely for your pleasure or sexual pleasure(from what is evident in these blogs) but it is about a loving relationship where everyone prospers, my husband feels he will be more happy about submitting to me, he will be happy and so will I, so when I read an article like this (and quite frankly most of Dennis and Nancy's articles) I got offended, it's just like in a maledom relationship, if a wife feels she will be happy under the control and authority of her husband, and he will be happy, then everyone will prosper, that dosnt mean he can take advantage of her submission and turn her into a toy for his pleasure, so while I respect Dennis and Nancy's blogs, I don't believe in them and feel that they are wrong