Thursday, June 25, 2009
Spousechat Archive Excerpt No. 3
Editor’s Note: This is third in a continuing series of samplings from www.spousechat.com, a message board active between 2001 and 2003. This installment begins with the first posting by “Ms. Lynda,” who, by the frequency of her posts and forcefulness of her online personality, would quickly assume a position of primacy on the board. “Ms. Lynda” kept the focus on matriarchal marriage and generally functioned as de facto moderator.
In private, my boyfriend tells me "I am the most pussywhipped man in the universe, and I love it." In public, he is afraid to show his subservience to me. I want a husband who will be subordinate and submissive.
I think a family run by a woman will be more democratic. Sometimes the larger wage earner must be heard more. It is you who determines vacations, family outings, etc. In some respects that should not upset a relationship where people are equals. However, most men are scared to death. Women must take over. Stand your ground. You will probably see that your husband will capitulate. Treat him fairly, but let him know who the new boss is.
I told my boyfriend that I was taking the job offer because it made the most economic sense. I told him he should follow me, spend some time as my househusband to help me get settled and establish his role in our relationship, and to give him the freedom of finding the right job if he really wants to work in the outside world during our marriage. He caved in within minutes. He needs my direction in his life. He then served me some tea and fruit, ending the evening's discussion with some Empress Wu treatment that was out of this world.
Thanks for the support and suggestions. I think we women have to be more determined and make our own decisions. The men will follow; they have to follow.
Do you have any words of advice for my future husband? He needs to know that he is not alone. This is not a fantasy. As he gets more comfortable being submissive and subordinate to me, I hope he never loses what has made him special. I do not want a doormat. I want a man who gladly takes women's rule seriously.
We want to have children. I will want them to know in very real ways that Mommy Knows Best. I want my children (male and female) to know that I head the household. I also want all of us to continue to grow. If my husband does nothing but obey me, he will be very boring very soon…
I have decided to throw a dinner party for the one female professor (Feminist Studies) who has given me the most encouragement. My boyfriend will prepare and serve the meal. I do not intend on humiliating him in front of my teacher. However, I do want him to get experience in serving since he will be doing a lot of this to foster and nurture my career. Of course, I will praise him for his abilities if he provides excellent service. I can prove that I am in charge without making him be less of a man. I think my professor might truly enjoy being served by a nice, young college guy.
I would also like to hear from other men and women who are going through similar situations. I do not want to be abusive to my future husband. I just want to be the head of our family, with him taking his directions from me. I have noticed some entries here regarding the man taking the woman's last name. Are there men who have really done this? What problems have you had? Are most of you only submissive in the bedroom, or do you carry it into other areas of your life?
All I can say, is good for you, Lynda! I've been in a couple of female-led relationships and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I found that within a relationship where the girl was boss I actually grew and improved myself in many ways I never would have had roles been reversed. I think it’s only natural for women to lead and we as a species are beginning to put this together. It’s an exciting time to be alive and its very encouraging to know there are Ladies like yourself who are becoming acquainted with their own innate power.
Thanks for your observations. I have always been an "in charge woman." You are correct. My current boyfriend is submissive, but not that masochistic. He does like the humiliation of serving me in front of selected friends. And then he balks at doing his duties at times. I just have to learn how to enforce my will.
I hate always having to give directions to the boys who work for me. I love the power, but sometimes I want to come home to a clean house without having to inspect every job they attempted, and to a meal that I did not have to order them to do. There are so many jobs a boy can learn.
It is always easy to find men to take the subordinate role in my household. While I am not a "dominatrice," I am bossy. No man talks back to me. I can be generous as I reward the man who serves me. My career is going so well because I have nothing to worry about on the homefront. However, I have friends who want the man outside the home in the work force even when they are the head of the household. Finally, I do know a couple that celebrate their relationship with female sadism and male masochism. I believe in total matriarchy. Bob, how far do you want to go with being a male homemaker?
Hey Lynda, How's everything going with the Matriarchal Clan? I assume the dinner went well?
Newell, The dinner party was a great success. Let us just say that several other women on campus now know who the boss is. He performed very well indeed. He wants to submit, but his pride will not always let him do what he must. I have to show even more strength. I like a challenge. I want a man I can walk all over only after I have bested him. I do not like "Casper Milktoast" guys. A little spirit goes a long way into making a relationship meaningful.
My boyfriend and I graduated this past Saturday. I graduated Magna cum Lauda; he just graduated. He threw the nicest party for us with the help of some of his male friends. It is really nice to attend a party where all the serving is done by men. We have summer jobs here to do some more research. I will then move for my new job and my boyfriend will follow me to be my househusband. It is beginning to work out like I want it to work out, and, I think he is secretly happy about his new role. Sometimes he puts up a fuss in front of his friends, but at home in the quiet of our solitude, he tells me how happy he is. This is a great time to be a career minded woman with a man willing to be in a subordinate position. As a couple of people have said, this may give rise to a new matriarchy. I hope so.
Lynda, your story fascinates me. You are so much like my wife that it's scary. I have been a househusband since we got married 5 years ago. From the moment we met, she was in total charge of everything. I was working as a personal assistant to a real estate agent (female) who introduced me to Lisa (my wife). Lisa owns an extremely successful real estate agency. Lisa and I dated for about 9 months and then got married. Lisa, and her career, quickly became the most important thing in my life. I adapted quickly to the role of househusband, probably because I had been accustomed to working for a female boss. From your postings, Lynda, I have noticed that your partner was somewhat reluctant at first, but soon "caved" as you put it. I just want you to know that it will get easier for him. That first time you made him serve at the dinner party for your feminist studies professor was probably a very difficult thing for him. I know because the first time I served my wife and her friends at a dinner party, it was difficult for me. However each time it got easier, and I got better at it. Now, it is so easy that all my wife has to do is tell me when and how many guests.
Please assure your partner that it will get easier. Being a househusband is a demanding role, but each success my wife has makes it all worth it. As I complete my daily tasks, I constantly keep in mind the effect these tasks, no matter how small, have on the quality of her life. The fact that her skirts and blouses are ironed to perfection hopefully plays a small part in her success. I truly, truly admire you Lynda.
Charles: thank you for the posting. I am getting more comfortable with my status in the relationship. I freely use the terms "subordinate" and "submissive". What is your comfort level? Is Lisa the head of your household? Are you "subordinate" and/or "submissive" to her? Lynda wants me to take her last name in marriage. At the present time, we will use both names with a hyphen. We will drop the hyphen when we have children and my last name will become a second middle name. How do any of you feel about this? When you serve a dinner party for your wife, how do you serve? At the one I did, I was more like a butler. I served everything before sitting down and eating with the guests.
I avoid terms and labels, especially the term submissive, since it is so clearly associated with the S & M community, of which I am not a part. I am, however, subordinate to Lisa, she is in charge, her decisions are final. Regarding names, I would say if you intend to take your wife’s last name, as I did, just do it right from the beginning, it's much easier. Sometimes, at her dinner parties, I am treated much like a waiter or butler, but I'm used to it. I wait on Lisa hand and foot all the time, as she is a busy woman. Why should a woman like Lisa (or Lynda) have to ever lift a finger around the house except to direct us?
Charles, I am comfortable taking Lynda's last name. We thought using the hyphen might appease my family. At parties or gatherings, are you ever known as Mr. Lisa? I am comfortable with Ms. and Mr. Lynda BJ as our formal address as I think it opens new ground for a career woman. Am I just being silly? Like you, I want the final decision to be Lynda's own, but I am glad I have a say. Your comment about labels is well taken. I am not part of the S and M community; "subordinate" and submissive" are the way I am naturally, and I want to reclaim them from a community that uses them to further the myth of weakness in the partner who is submissive. Again, am I silly?
Nah, not silly, As far as names, my name since marriage is Charles (Lisa’s last name). I took it from the beginning. However, I've never used or been called Mr. Lisa (LLN), by anybody. Women have always taken their husband’s last name, so I don’t see what the big deal is. As far as age, I'm 39, Lisa is 37. As far as kids, who knows? As far as how I'd raise them, who knows? Right now I'm just thinking about pleasing Lisa, furthering her career, making her life comfortable and convenient, and trying to avoid displeasing her.
How did you announce your name change in the newspapers? If you would be comfortable, would you tell me what newspaper reported your wedding? I think it would be cool to say: "The groom will be taking the bride's last name as his own. The family will be known as Ms. and Mr. Lynda BJ."
We did not announce it to the world, the people who knew us, obviously knew that I was going to take her name, and everyone was cool about it. The bottom line is that it was Lisa's decision and in your case it should be Lynda's decision. Find out what she wants you to do.
The only time I feel uncomfortable with my role is when I take too much heat from friends. And I am finding that I am choosing more female friends who support the decisions we are making. Lynda is the one who would like to have the newspaper announcement about our wedding complete with the name change. I like what it says about our relationship, but we must also think about her career.
This may be too personal, but would you say something about your sex life? How do you keep it interesting for a woman like Lisa who is out in the world all the time? How do you dress? It is interesting when we go out sometimes because Lynda is dressed like an executive and I am in neat sports wear. I am extremely tall and muscular; one of her friends has said I will be her trophy husband. Have you ever been called this? Lynda is petite and muscular; I call her my Amazon Queen sometimes.
What were your wedding vows like? Do you think it is wrong for me to use the ancient form and promise "to love, honor, and obey"? We are planning a bachelorette party where we are going to recreate a scene from RITUAL OF PROOF. Sometimes, in a very polite and servile way, I have to make Lynda take it easy. It is nice to know that there are other men like me around. I have found much inspiration and support in SPOUSECLUB. This way of life may become more and more accepted. I think there are a lot of men ready.
Regarding your marriage vows, if Lynda wants "obey" in there, put it in. Regarding our sex life, I keep Lisa happy because I put her pleasure before mine. It’s that simple. She always decides when, where, and how and has no problem finding creative ways for me to please her. Lisa is absolutely breathtaking, so I don't think anyone will be referring to me as a "trophy husband" when they see the two of us together. However, to her, and to all of her female friends, I am a "trophy" if not at least a "prize." I know many men would kill to be in my shoes, but there are many, many powerful, assertive, successful women out there, and if a man wants to meet one of these women, he can. From there, it's up to him to show her the joys of life with a subordinate mate. So tell me, Mr. Lynda, what are Lynda's expectations of you? What is your typical day like?
We must work to encourage women to take the lead. Men will follow. I am convinced that many want to take a more subordinate role. We need to hear from these women. Can a woman who is a CEO come out of her closet and tell the world that she is the boss at work and home without some kind of retribution against her?
I agree that the women who are in charge at work and at home need to set the example for other women. This website should be required reading for female executives.
It should also be required reading for all boys from junior high school through college who may have to assume new roles to support the women in their lives. Home Ec classes that became Bachelor Training classes may again be Home Ec classes for boys. Do not laugh. I am very serious. We must do everything in our power to encourage young women to become everything they can be and to encourage the men to be everything they can be, with the great option of being a househusband and subordinate partner in marriage.
In looking at the local newspapers, every high school in our area had female top students. Some, not all, had males. This is happening while we are still hearing reports that women must be encouraged to study sciences, etc. There was a time when all of the 7 Sister Colleges and all of the Ivy League schools had male presidents. I think every one of the 7 Sister Colleges has a female president and two of the Ivy League colleges have women presidents. It will be a great day for rejoicing when Harvard and Yale have women at the head. Long Live Girl Power!!! Long Live Woman Power!!! Thanks to the men who will support us!
You're welcome, Lynda! Most of the top students in the schools I'm familiar with are women. These women will all have successful careers. But just think how much easier it would be for them, and how much more successful they would be, if they had supporting husbands staying at home. Unfortunately, most of them, if they marry, will marry husbands with careers. These women will not be able to concentrate as effectively on their own careers. When they arrive home from work, they will still have to worry about household duties. Instead, they should be coming home to a nice dinner, a hot bath, and a clean house, all prepared by their supportive husbands. Who is teaching our young men that it is acceptable to take a supportive role, that it's OK to be a househusband? Nobody is. It would be cool if somewhere in their education, young men were exposed to life as a househusband, perhaps in a Home Ec course like you suggest, Lynda. Make it mandatory.
In a store once, I saw a young college age woman and her boyfriend shopping for shoes. This young woman was having a conversation on her cell phone and she was discussing, not that I was eavesdropping, some kind of a complicated engineering research project, sounded like something to do with biomedical engineering. As she was heavily involved in her conversation, she'd point to various shoes she wanted to try on and her boyfriend would get them for her in her size, and try them on her feet. I wish Lisa was there to see this. How can we encourage this to become the norm rather than the exception?
Why can't men handle powerful and assertive women? Why can't women be encouraged to be assertive and dominant? Charles, you were a male secretary. Did your boss ever scare you with her sexual assertiveness? Did you simply accept her power, which might include some sexual innuendo at times of your working beneath a woman, for a woman, etc.?
How does my typical day compare with your typical day? I am up quite earlier than Lynda. I prepare the coffee and do whatever baking is needed for the morning. (I have a batter prepared for muffins. If a muffin is what Lynda wants, I will finish the preparation and bake several muffins for us.) If not, I shower and shave. I finish preparing breakfast. Most of the time, it is toast, fruit plate, yogurt. Sometimes I prepare an eggbake of some kind or fix eggs, etc. I bring her coffee in bed. Sometimes I make her morning coffee more erotic by serving her on my knees and kissing her feet and legs while she has her coffee. I make sure that her clothes are pressed. (This is difficult for me. I am going to have to take classes in ironing.) She comes to the breakfast table and we have breakfast together. After she leaves, I do the dishes and prepare to leave for my work. (At the present time, work is a class for lifeguards. I will be working at the pool this summer.) I arrive home at about 4:15 p.m. and begin to prepare for supper.
(Sometimes I prepare a supper as chosen by Lynda. Sometimes I have to prepare it using my own thought. I have noticed that some men think everything must be decided by the woman. For us at least, this is unreal. Lynda does not always have the time to make these decisions. Also, while I have read that men who do the housework like to be inspected by their mate, it is an unreal expectation. The house needs to be clean. Most of the time, Lynda does not have time to inspect my work.)
I begin to prepare supper. I take a quick shower and change into clothes for the evening. I get the table ready and finish supper. Lynda arrives home at about 5:45 p.m. I meet her at the door with the newspaper and a cold drink. She lounges while I do the last minute preparations. She may go upstairs and take a quick shower or bath to relax. I serve supper and sit down with her. After we have eaten, she goes into the living room, den, or library while I clean up. (She has helped me in the kitchen several times so that we can talk. It is her decision to assist me or to relax. I am most comfortable when she chooses to relax. In our relationship, i am doing the man's work. She is not expected to lift a finger.) I bring in a plate of cookies, some coffee, tea, or Perrier and we spend some time in conversation. (Sometimes, she was work to continue. I find something else to do. However, I am always on call.)
We have decided to wait until we are married until we have intercourse. However, she may want me to go down on her while she relaxes. Before bed, we may go for a walk or I may spend some further time pleasing her. She goes to bed first, and I straighten up the living area. I go up to the bedroom. We may have a little more fun. Sometimes, she has me do a strip tease for her. We are ready for another day. While the house is always neat, I only take one or two days a week to do a complete cleaning. I often run errands for Lynda. We tend to do the shopping together. However, she has told me that I may have to do it by myself when we are married. She may not have time.) About twice a week, I meet her for supper at a restaurant. Because I had read it somewhere, I once made reservations a restaurant out of town in the name of Ms. and Mr. Lynda (Her Last Name).
You are right in saying that the assertive woman is out there. I am doing the lawn work for the feminist sudies professor who came to one of our first dinner parties. She is dating a male professor from another college who is completely smitten with her power. He has already taken the subordinate status in the relationship, including taking her last name in marriage if they marry. As men, we have got to let Women know that they can have the power in the relationship. Lynda dresses very well and she turns me on. However, she has never worn leather and carried a whip. I asked Lynda to share her expectations. She said she will post them herself. Yes, she wants me "to love, honor and obey."
Please tell me about your typical day. I noticed from a posting from you today that you might consider becoming Mr. Lisa (Her Last Name.) Are you having a change of heart?
I don’t know if I'm having a change of heart. My typical day is much like yours. I get up first, make coffee, sit down and have a cup while reading the paper. Lisa gets up, I get her coffee, then I get her breakfast which is usually just cereal or fruit. As she eats her breakfast, I make sure she has towels for her shower, and that she has all of her hair and body care products ready. As she showers, I get her clothes ready, making sure they are pressed (you will get the hang of ironing, it’s not hard). I lay her clothes on the bed. As she is a fanatic about shoes, I also usually shine the pair she has selected for the day, if they need it. As she dresses, I clean up the kitchen, she gives me a list of errands she needs done ( she usually writes them out for me so I don’t forget) and she leaves for work.
My day then consists of typical househusband duties, cleaning, laundry, ironing, grocery shopping, cooking, and running Lisa's errands. Typical errands include shopping for any items she may need, getting her car washed, picking up her dry cleaning, and other errands. As far as meals, since I know what Lisa likes, I plan all of the meals. You’re right, she doesn’t have time for this. She doesn’t inspect my housework either, however if something is not the way she wants it, she's not afraid to let me know.
When Lisa gets home, I serve her dinner, we eat and talk. Lisa and I constantly communicate with each other, and if there is a problem she will listen to my side. She has the final decision, but she does not ignore my input. After dinner I clean up while Lisa relaxes with a cup of tea or a glass of wine. She is usually on the phone for a while taking care of business. Since she has so little time, I take care of a lot of her personal needs such as manicures, pedicures, and facials, and as I said I’ve attended schools to learn these things. Manicures are usually once a week, same for pedicures, although I also usually do a polish change for her in between. I give her various massages to relax her, I've also learned facials and other skin care. All of these things give us a lot of time to talk and communicate. As Lynda advances in her career, you will find that you will be doing more and more for her, simply because she just will not have the time. But then again, that's what househusbands are for.
End of Spousechat Archive Excerpt No. 3
(To be continued…)
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Spousechat Archive Excerpt No. 2
Editor’s Note: This is the second in a continuing series of samplings from www.spousechat.com, a message board active between 2001 and 2003. What began as a networking site for husbands wed to high-powered executives rapidly morphed into a provocative forum focusing on “matriarchal” — or, as they are more commonly called now, “wife-led marriages.”
There are some African tribes where the man is presented to the bride's family. They then offer him to their daughter. In some Jewish ceremony, we seemed to remember that the groom was presented to the bride. In Sweden, where it is very common for the man to take the wife's name and where there is a growing number of househusbands, the groom is often presented to the bride. In a civil ceremony I attended, the groom was bound to the bride with a white cloth before he recited his vows to her. He promised to "love, honor, and obey"; she was a matriarchist and refused to be bound to him for her vows to him.
Finally, in another civil ceremony I attended in Europe, the groom showed his submission to his new wife by creating his own vows. He said something like, "May your feet take you all the places you desire to go and I will follow. (He then kissed her feet) May your hands continue to create, and I will help. (He kissed her hands) May your heart always have room to love as I will always love you. (He kissed her breast) May your head always know its leadership that I accept for ever as your spouse." (He kissed her face)
This might be going too far for American ceremony. Perhaps it could become a ritual at the honeymoon. He made several other statements. Just some ideas for you and your bride to consider. It is good that you have decided to take your bride's name. How far are you going? Are your going to be known formally as Ms. and Mr. (Her First Name) (Her Surname)? It truly proclaims your subordinate status in the relationship. Except for those things, how equal do you consider yourself to be to her? You have found a wonderful woman if she is comfortable with your submission.
Rituals were made to serve people. You may have to make some new ones for your situation. You may be setting a standard for other guys in the same boat to follow. I like the idea of you wearing white. You know that some brides wear something old, something borrowed, and something blue. To begin a new tradition, you could wear a "name bracelet" with Mr. Her Name on it. Perhaps you could carry something in her favorite color. Whatever you do, do it with pride. You are setting a high standard for guys to follow.
Since I am Swedish and married to an American career woman, we decided I should take her name. I am her very submissive househusband. She is the Head of the Household, and most people realize who the boss is in our relationship. We were not married in a church ceremony. However, I was presented to her, and, I promised to "love, honor, and obey." At the ceremony, she had a Matron of Honor, a Maid of Honor, and a Bridesmaid, all of whom were executive women. My Best Man was the secretary to the Maid of Honor, the second Groomsman was another Househusband, and the third was a childhood friend from Sweden who was doing graduate work in the U.S. At the reception dinner, the three men of the wedding party served as servants to the women. I had the most fun when I removed her garter with my teeth. I got to "go down on her" for a few moments. The women loved it.
About taking her name, I did it because my bachelor name was so difficult to write and say. However, I also wanted to do it because she is the Head of the Household. While we did not know it could be done, we did take the unofficial step of being Ms. and Mr. (Her first name) (Her last name). Now, we realize that some couples are doing this with few difficulties. To us, it suggests that this is the Year of the Woman, the Decade of the Woman, etc.
Sue, I think being new to this site, you may not be aware that there are many of us here who promote and encourage matriarchy or female rule. Perhaps you are an egalitarian feminist. If so, your belief that human relations should not be based on gender is at odds with many of us. I and many others of us believe that power in relationships should belong to the female partner. In short we are "matriarchists." We believe that not only individual relationships but the world in general would be a far better place for all of us if women held the reins of power. We, that is those of us who are matriarchists, differ from equality feminists in this regard. As such we very much regard the question of "name changing" as a matter of power and gender, and believe that the question of who takes whose last name SHOULD be determined by who holds the power in the couple, and we believe that should be the female. This is a site, after all, that was established to help men cope in relationships in which they are subordinate, and the subordinate or submissive role is one in which many of the men here are perfectly comfortable. In short we want the woman to have the power and to be the dominant partner.
I think I would have changed my name to my wife's last name even if I was the one with the career and was the Breadwinner. We still would have wanted to proclaim the woman as head of the house, and we would have wanted to proclaim our matriarchal choices. Finally, I like my new name. Everyone can spell and say it without too many problems. When a woman has the career and makes more money, there should be a power exchange. Even if you do not believe in or practice matriarchy, you have to give special consideration to the family wage earner. Family schedules, vacations, etc. are all determined by the one who has the career.
I am a matriarchist, will continue to be one, and will train my husband, sons, and daughters in the ways of matriarchy. I am not even against the "kinkier" side of relationships, but, the important issues here seem to be with men coping with a secondary status in the workplace, home, and family. I, for one, am happy to see the changes.
My wife is a lawyer. She hires me regularly to do depositions. She is the boss at work and at home. IT IS WONDERFUL!!! Men in that position should enjoy!
My husband is a researcher in a business founded by my father. I am now the CEO. I am his boss at work and at home. We have few problems. If I fire him, he can stay at home and do his other work. It is great!
My wife and I reversed roles a little over three years ago when she got a big promotion. She was already making more money than I was and was the major decision maker. We no longer needed my salary and she decided she wanted me to become a full time househusband. I wasn't really sure about doing that but she insisted I give it a try. After one year if I didn't like it, I could go back to work.
She had to teach me how to cook a wider variety of meals, how to iron her clothes and a few other things but I was a quick learner. It only took me a few months to realize how much I enjoyed just being her househusband. I was able to keep the house cleaner than it had ever been, keep her clothes clean and pressed, have her meals ready on time, run her errands and a host of other duties and still had time for a round of golf now and then.
After the first year we sat down and discussed the situation. I wanted to continue as a househusband and not go back to work. She agreed but with some conditions. I would have to recognize her as head of the house and with the final say in all areas of our relationship. I was to consider it my primary responsibility to support her and her career in whatever way I could and that she wanted. And since she was making all the money, I would be put on an allowance and expected to live within it.
I had no problem agreeing with this. The last two years have been great. It is my opinion men are much better suited to keeping house. And believe me, submitting to your wife, honoring and obeying her is the way to go.
How has this worked for you? How far did you go in the role reversal? In honoring your wife as head of the household, did you take her last name to acknowledge her leadership? Do you identify her as head of the household on tax forms, etc.? In what ways do you obey your wife? How does her family feel about her being the head of your household? How does your family feel? If you have children, how are you raising them to know that the wife is the boss in your household? Is she the boss in all areas?
Someone asked for more details about our wedding. We are going to walk down the aisle together. I will have to walk a couple of paces behind since her dress is so fancy. But, I will be walking behind this fantastic woman for the rest of my life. The priest is going to announce us as Dr. and Mr. at the end of the ceremony. We have to go and get the details so I can change my name to hers.
We have decided to start a new tradition with the rehearsal dinner. Since the man pays for the dinner, I am going to have all the groomsmen serve the women at the dinner. We are serving a fancy dinner with soup, salad, pasta, sorbet, entree, cheese and coffee, dessert. It will be at this dinner where I will announce to the guests that I will "love, honor, and obey". The priest would not allow this during the ceremony since it would imply being submissive. Little does she know.
The wedding is only a little over a week away. All the plans are coming together very well. I got a unique present from my wife to be the other day. She gave me Barbie and Ken dolls. Barbie is a politician. Ken is her househusband. He even comes with his own leash so that he has to obey Barbie. I always knew this was the way of their relationship. I think I will put the dolls on display at the reception. I think some people will get a big kick out of it.
I am a woman and I knew I wanted to be the head of the family since I was ten years old. I loved ladying it over the boys at my school, and they loved accepting my leadership. I have never given up on wanting to be the boss. At the present time, I am boss at work and at home. If you were to ask my husband, I think you would be amazed. He has wanted to be the submissive partner since early teens. We are both living our dreams.
I knew from a very early age that I wanted to be in a matriarchal household. Finding the right woman was difficult, but it can be done. I have just returned from my honeymoon. I am going to finish work on my PhD, begin my career as a househusband, and, do some work for my wife. I want my wife to be the boss at work and at home. The wedding went off without a hitch. The honeymoon was wonderful; we even met two other matriarchal couples. Yes, there are men who are taking their wife's last name. Yes, there are men who are taking the subordinate role in the marriage. And, yes, there are women who like being in command. A matriarchal life can be as nurturing and wholesome as the many other options. One suggestion, to attract a young woman who is wanting the control, take cooking and house management classes. Also, take a few classes in feminist studies. Offer to type her papers. Be giving!
Here is what a young friend of mine did, and, it worked very well for him. He moved in with four flight attendants. Because each had to be gone at certain times for flights, he was the caretaker. When they were at the apartment, he was the one who offered "coffee, tea, or me." He was responsible for all the housework. They never lifted a finger. He lived rent free in exchange for his domestic duties. He became quite a popular houseboy as the four entertained quite often. This service also allowed him to finish his undergraduate degree from a local college. You will notice that this is written in the past tense. After six years of working for these wonderful women, he married a woman who is a pilot. He is now at her beck and call. As so many of you have suggested, she is the head of the family. She is the boss. He is her submissive househusband. While he does work as a teacher, he is always home to greet her, has her meals cooked, the house clean, and eagerly awaits his queen's command. For professional reasons, he kept his name in marriage, but the family is known by her last name, and, he is Mr. Her.
While people thinking matriarchy is relatively new, I know several men who desire this life, and have found it with the women in their lives. In two cases, the women were medical doctors who could not take their husband's name in marriage. The husbands then took their wife's name in marriage. Both stay at home and take care of the house. One is a lawyer. Her husband works for his wife as an investigator. However, he is home in time to prepare and serve meals. Three women own their own real estate business, and, their husbands work as agents for their wives. Another woman owns the family car leasing business. Her husband is her mechanic. I could go on and on with different stories. In terms of who is the smarter person in the relationship, you would have to judge for yourself. Each person brings special gifts to the relationship. In one case, the man has a much higher IQ, but, his wife has the best business sense. He was smart enough to subordinate his career to hers, and that was the smartest thing he ever did. In terms of my wife and me, we had almost identical test scores. I had a higher GPA in college. However, she had more financial backing from her family, and has a great investment sense. I am extremely happy to acknowledge her as head of our household. She does wear the pants in our relationship. She is the boss. I am extremely pleased to announce her leadership in public and private. I guess that makes me very intelligent. May She rule for a long time.
I know a man who founded a business. He named his wife CEO. The company has an all female executive team. Men, including some of these women's husbands, are hired in more menial positions. They make a good profit; no one is complaining. However in that town, more men acknowledge the wife as head of the household, leave work early to go home where they clean and cook for their women, and where all women are respected. With some of the changes in attitude, the girls' high school volleyball and basketball team got male cheerleaders. The girls think they are so cute in the shorts and tank tops. Rah! Rah! Rah!
One can be a matriarchist and not be a submissive doormat to the woman in his life. One can be subordinate without losing maleness. And maybe there will be new fashion shows that allow the man to be seen in an apron, using his male strength to support his wife as her underling without ridicule.
I think this lifestyle shouldn't be just a part-time activity. Maybe you should change your perspective to a matriarchal point of view in every aspect of your life. For example: Support your wife in her work and career (how you do it depends on what the career of your is). Let her lead you intellectually. Follow her political choices. Examine her opinions and find the wisdom behind them. Let her be your spiritual leader. After all, women have much more spiritual potential than men. Wiccan practices can be a perfect mach for a matriarchal couple. Find a coven where women rule and men are their servants. Or you can even make up a new coven shaped to your own beliefs. Get together with like minds and have great discussions about this lifestyle. Organize "goddess-parties" where wives have great fun (don't forget about chip chip 'n dale boys ;-) ) and men are waiters, cooks and servants. Etc, etc, etc.
Thank you for your help, Leopold. You have opened up a new realm in regard to matriarchy that I never considered before--the intellectual. I hope to make "let her lead you" my motto in this area, too. As far as the spiritual realm, I see the rise of matriarchy as the dawning of what the Pope calls the "Age of Mary" wherein She shall crush the serpent's head and restore the Paradise of God. And like it was when Jesus came to earth, it seems as though the religious people are going to be the last ones to catch on! (It is noteworthy, though, that within days after the Pope consecrated Afghanistan to Mary's maternal care, the Northern Alliance made the breakthrough at Mazar e-Sharif after which snowballed from there resulting in the toppling of the Taliban.) If you are interested there is a treatise which describes in detail how to become a love slave of the Virgin Mary at: www.ewtn.com/library/Montfort/TRUEDEVO.HTM
It is written from a Catholic perspective, but you do not have to be a Catholic to make this consecration to Mary. I have also found interesting that in the Middle Ages there were "double monasteries" which were headed by an abbess and the men served the women. This was based on the relationship of John to the Virgin Mary.
My wife gave me some stock shares for a wedding present. Rather than freeing me from her, this is attaching me further to her and allowing me to stay home and be her househusband. It also puts her firmly in control. As for working for her, I hope this continues for the rest of my life. She is very generous with her other employees, but I get minimum wage or less. I also get the honor of being bossed around by her in front of others. For me, that is a great experience. We have a luxury that many will never have; she makes enough money that I should never have to work in the outside world. She wants me to finish my degree so I can be an active conversationalist, can keep her aware of what is going on in the world, and can be a trophy husband. Without being sadistic, she loves to show her power over me. She can wilt me with one of her looks of disfavor; she snaps her fingers and I grovel before her. That is how I feel relationships should be. I know I am the envy of several friends.
How do you know that your friends envy you?
They tell me so. I get teased a lot. I am so "pussywhipped." However, they desire the very same thing. If they could have such a wonderful wife, they would also stay at home, cater to her needs, and remember who the head of the household is. There may not be many men like us, but, there are some. Just read the other entries at this site. I also know that I am envied because several single men have come up to me and wondered if my wife had sisters, cousins, etc. Do I know other women like my wife?
I am a career woman with a submissive, stay at home boyfriend. It is working great for us. I would only suggest that being Christian does not mean that the man must be the head of the household. It seems that many women are more concerned with the spiritual life of the family. When that is the case, should she not be the spiritual head of the clan? I see nothing wrong with the husband being obedient to his wife. There always seems to be a fear that women will treat men like men have treated women in the past. I think we are more mature than that. Everyone needs to develop themselves to the fullest...
I am a Catholic. I do not believe that good works get you to heaven. I believe it is grace. And that is one of the reasons I believe that matriarchal lifestyles are supported in scripture as good. They must have existed because St. Paul was extremely scared of women in power, even though several of his epistles were read by a woman deacon.
For families that are matriarchal, religion can be made more important and the man can submit to God and his wife so that he can experience the grace he was missing. I also further believe that God does not care who the leader in a family is as along as they are true to God and live the two great commandments put forth by Christ...
More important than being a conservative or liberal, a patriarchist or matriarchist, is the chance to be religious. We all may be surprised when we get to heaven. She may not be amused with how we messed things up for others. The important thing is to live your life in a decent, manner. And for me, that means matriarchy. For my husband, that means that he is the subordinate partner. It does work for us. I am not a fundamentalist Christian; that may be why I feel the woman can be the head of the household without any trouble. Churches that are headed by women bishops and ministers are growing. And, men have not lost their manhood in those congregations.
It is also an historical fact that many double abbeys were ruled over by a nun, not a brother or priest. In fact, in some of these situations, the male members of the abbey were servants to the women of the abbey. In those times, the monastic tradition flourished. Today, it is in real trouble.
Could there be some positives to women's rule? As I said before, I think some men are scared that if women rule, we will be as abusive as men were. For the tradition of the church, men have had their way and everything has been stated in male terms. We always call God, "Father." However, Holy Scripture and God tells us, "I am like a Mother Hen looking after her brood." Maybe God wants the best person in the family to lead; and, that may be the woman quite often. Please comment.
I am 18 years old, a young woman. When I marry, I will head our household. My husband will take my name, even though he may continue to use his own name for professional reasons. I hope I can make so much money that he can stay at home, supporting my career in ways that will allow me to become a CEO. I hope we can do this proudly and out in the open. It seems that men have been henpecked for ages. Now is the time to proclaim it as a positive thing. I would never be cruel to a male. He needs my love and support. I will always demand great service; if I mistreat my property, he might not give as good a service as possible. Do not take this lightly. There are many young women like me out there. We want to rule. I have seen some good advertisements for our women's rule at stores. "Boys are great. EVERY GIRL SHOLD OWN ONE!"
I love the idea of a woman being totally in charge in everything. I want to be the househusband and the supportive spouse. And when the lights go off at night, I want to be the one who pleasures the Woman of the House; I grovel at their feet and worship the ground the Women of the World walk on.
I recently married one very powerful woman; she is the leader in all things. She always has a warm meal ready for her when she comes home, I gladly fetch her slippers and bring the paper. And sex is done her way at her command. I enjoy waiting on her hand and foot, and I also enjoy using my creative mind to serve her in new ways. Long live the matriarchy! Long live the men who have become the supportive members of the family. And yes, I took her name in marriage so that any one might know who is at the center of our household.
My wife and I have been married for almost 20 years and living the traditional lifestyle. We were talking recently about how to celebrate our 20th anniversary and I suggested renewing our vows. She thought that was a perfect idea and then took it further. She said one night "since you keep telling me you like to be submissive and want me to take over the dominate role in our marriage, it would only be fitting for this renewal wedding that we switch roles. You will plan the wedding down to the last detail. Furthermore you will take my name this time, for how long will be determined later." So I am in the process of planning our wedding and experiencing what it's like to be a blushing bride. Our wedding will take place in April in Las Vegas. I am also going to have to write the vows where it will be clear that I am giving over complete control of my life to her. We will be flying her sister and brother and my sister out there, and possibly our parents as well. My parents are pretty conservative and I'm not sure how they will react to this new lifestyle.
You do not have to reinvent the wheel. Just use the old vows and "I promise to love, honor, and obey" from you to her. You might also exchange a collar or penis leash instead of another ring. Of course, your gift to her is the leash. Her gift to you is the collar or cockring. As you exchange your promises to her, she might hold you by the balls. That is such power for a woman. Good luck! Be brave.
(To be continued...)
Saturday, June 13, 2009
“Is there a point of no return when one truly embraces this way of life?” – “Ms. Kathleen,” writing in Elise Sutton’s Predominant e-magazine, February 2005 issue.
I’ve noticed a number of female-led relationship blogs bowing out recently. Some go quietly dormant, while others exit with brief regrets on the part of the blogger, almost always male that there’s nothing more to write about. The wife has lost interest in all things FLR, the husband’s enthusiasm has consequently faded and fizzled, their relationship has devolved back to the status quo ante.
It’s an oft-told tale. Euphoria is a volatile emotion, hard to sustain. There can be a manic quality to the early days of courtship, and of courtship marriages. I’m talking strictly guys now. One week hubby is a passion-primed dynamo, writing love poems and feverish resolutions, buying roses and boxed chocolates, giving footrubs and scrubbing the baseboard. The following week finds him back on the couch, cuddling a remote and frosty lager.
Yet courtship marriages exit where the initial euphoria lasts long enough to be replaced by a steadier fuel supply, where escape velocity is achieved to a sustainable FLR lifestyle.
As fdhousehusband wrote in his valuable blog, “To convince my wife that I truly wanted to worship and serve her as my queen took years of dedication to housework, child-rearing and pampering without any thought of reward. I did the chores cheerfully and enthusiastically. Yet, each time I failed and became lazy, I felt that I took several steps backward for both of us. I was moving from one equilibrium to another in terms of our relationship, and I needed to be perfect, not anything in between, not just sometimes. Ultimately I convinced her that this was my life, that I was fulfilled in that role and didn't want anything other than to worship and serve her.”
Here is a wife talking about the gradual process of overcoming her own reservations about taking the leading role in her marriage: “It took me a couple of years to really embrace this lifestyle completely. But my husband was incredibly patient with me, offering help when I needed it and backing off when I needed him to. Communication and patience have been the keys for us.”
Whether the prime mover is wife or husband, the rule seems to be that progress needs to be gradual and incremental, and both parties need to find real benefits in the altered domestic and romantic arrangements.
There needs to be a comfort level achieved, as well. Courtship marriage, like real successful courtship, has to be anchored in reality and honesty—and in the existing relationship. Wait a minute, I think I may have lifted that last sentence almost intact from an extremely articulate FLR advocate known as “Mistress Rika”: “The key to a successful [female-led] relationship is to add the exchange of power to the dynamics of your [existing] relationship rather than to replace existing ones.”
But at some point, it seems, there needs to be a milestone, or maybe several such, at which both parties pause and reflect and acknowledge that the experiment is working for both of them. That Fantasyland has morphed into Realityland. That, in a phrase, “There’s no going back.”
To reach that milestone, Emily and Ken Addisons of the Around Her Finger book and blog suggest a one-week FLR boot camp, after which the deal is sealed (or not. The happy AHF boot-campers who report back, not surprisingly, usually have both thumbs-up. “We tried the boot camp about four months ago, and we have never looked back.”
Even some initially skeptical wives come out of the boot camp as gung-ho converts to the lifestyle: “Not only did I enjoy my week in charge much more than I imagined that I would, I would never imagine having it any other way. Just as you suggest, I told him in no uncertain terms that from that point on I would expect him to obey me and respect my authority. In the weeks and months that have followed nothing has changed. We have never been happier and I never would have imagined that this would have worked so well.”
So, the answer to the question posed at the top of this posting, “Is there a point of no return when one truly embraces this way of life?” is “Yes.”
Not always, of course, is the “point of no return” question asked hopefully. Sometimes it is asked with a certain apprehension, even dread, by husbands and boyfriends getting a sudden case of cold feet upon seeing long-cherished fantasies becoming all too real. Just how far down the Female-Led road dare they go before it’s too late to turn around and scramble back to “the way things were”?
Like this hapless guy, quoted in Elise Sutton’s monthly Q&A column: “I am coming to the realization that I am approaching a point of no return and each step, including reading your book, is taking me there.”
Or this guy confessing last-minute FLR jitters: “Is there any chance we could ever go back to being a more traditional husband and wife?”
“The short answer to your question,” Ms. Sutton responds, “is No. Why should she and why should you?” Or, as she tells another husband: “[Your wife] may constantly be looking for new activities but I doubt she will ever desire any other type of relationship. She is hooked and she does not want to go back.”
Her bottom-line to apprehensive husbands, of course, is a positive pep talk: “Go for it.”
Which, I think, is the way most husbands feel upon reaching “the point of no return.” These giddy guys, for example:
“It took many years for us to learn how to get along and build a new relationship. I am sure that nobody knows the extent to which she wields the authority in our house now. For what started out as one weekend a month has gradually become second nature 24/7… Like the Nike add says, ‘Just Do It.’”
“Having made the choice to live my fantasy, I have never regretted it. Good luck on finding your path.”
“My wife’s Loving Female Authority over our relationship has gone from habit to lifestyle in just under one year. … I would say that we are now firmly embedded in a Female-Led Relationship 24/7. Because of the positive changes in every area of our marriage, we both agree that there is no turning back to our old ways. That door is closed, and the key is gone.”
“It would seem that any and all periods of adjustment are over for me, and have been for some time. I feel like I have been reconditioned and have changed so much over the last couple of years, that I am like a different person in so many ways… I arrived at total acceptance.”
“Good luck and remember, once you give her all the keys to your heart there is no going back.”
“I realized just how pleased and proud I was to be so completely controlled by my wife, how we had already gone beyond a point of no return, and how (deep down) I had always yearned for this ever since we met… It really made me feel in touch with my natural self, and even more accepting of who and what I am.”
“My fiancée and I converted to this lifestyle two years ago (at my instigation) and both of us can honestly say that we have never been happier in our lives. Definitely no going back for us! She has adapted to her position of power with far more relish than I ever imagined possible, and our relationship really works.”
“Once you get her to accept that part of herself and take charge there is no going back.....but why would you want to? It is so much nicer this way!”
“The female-led lifestyle has changed our lives for the better. We both realize that there is no going back to the way things used to be. We are on a new path now, and we are both giddy about where that path will lead us.”
“I can’t imagine my wife accepting any laziness from me ever again. I can’t imagine her performing sex again as an obligation. I see her thriving in her new role and as much as I love it, it’s a bit intimidating. I’m thrilled and terrified… and hope I’m up to the challenges that lay ahead of me.”
Any hesitancy on the part of this husband is quickly dismissed by his wife’s certainty: “She has come to the point where she feels this is her due, instead of a game we play. Occasionally I have had moments where my interest has flagged, have been too tired from work, etc., but she has shown me that there is no going back, and I love Her so much for this.”
Same deal for this husband: “Sometimes I get frightened as to the monumental changes occurring so fast. But obviously there is no going back because my wife has fallen in love with this lifestyle.”
And one more: “Once my wife saw all the benefits that were in it for her, she started to get really interested. I've in a sense created a beast and there is no going back.”
Female supremacist Paige Harrison apparently dealt with her husband’s recalcitrance with a now-hear-this ultimatum: “There will be no going back to how things were before. So I want you to get used to this. This is not a game.”
Ditto this take-charge wife, as she confides to Elise Sutton: “My husband and I kept going deeper into FLR and the more we did it, the more I wanted from him. For a while, he was the one who had reservations, and tried to apply the brakes and began to rebel. But eventually he realized there was no stopping me, and that this is no longer a game. This is really our lives and our marriage and there will be no going back.”
For one wife, the “point of no return” was before the beginning: “I told my husband that if he wanted me to agree to try this, there would be no going back because I was not going to undertake these big changes only to have him change his mind later.”
The opening question of this post was taken from an Elise Sutton’s website, and we’ll close with a last word of advice from Ms. Sutton to husbands reaching their personal “point of no return”:
“You can’t go back and you don’t want to go back. In fact, you want to go deeper into [this lifestyle]. You want this wonderful woman to take you deeper into submission so that your old life becomes an even more distant memory, so distant that it cannot be seen in the rear-view mirror of your mind.”
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Editor’s Note: Several readers have asked me to provide more excerpts from the old “Spousechat” message board. Good idea. So I am here launching what will be a series of samplings from www.spousechat.com, a defunct message board active between 2001 and 2003.
Spouseclub and Spousechat were created by Bill Higgins, a real estate entrepreneur who became a househusband after marrying the CEO of a much larger real estate firm (Barbara Corcoran of the Corcoran Group in New York City). Higgins’ original message board was intended as a networking site for other men wed to high-powered executives. Within a few months, however, the site seems to have been populated mainly by passionate advocates for “matriarchal marriages” (i.e., what are now commonly called wife-led marriages and female-led relationships), with husbands playing enthusiastically supportive roles.
The Spousechat message board was deactivated suddenly in 2003, without explanation. The archives continued to be viewable for several years more before being taken down. They are no longer available, even through the Internet Archive (http://web.archive.org). The excerpts I saved, and which I will post here from time to time, lack header information, such as date stamp and subject line, and may not always be in original sequence. I have done minor editing and proofing, leaving some misspellings, but occasionally deleting or paraphrasing X-rated words or sections. — Mark Remond
Spousechat Archive Excerpt No. 1
In the NY Times, May 2, 1999, there was an article about the restaurateur, author, and tv host B. Smith and her husband Dan Gasby who works for her. The article contained this quote about Mr. Gasby: “At cocktail parties, he introduces himself as Mr. Smith.” I was impressed by the thought of a man so openly and willingly acknowledging his subordinate and supportive status in the relationship, and also his pride in his wife's status and standing. As you know there is a small but increasing number of men who legally take their wives’ name when they marry, which I hope will become a topic of discussion in this group. It seems to me that a man taking his wife's last name is the ultimate expression of spousehood.
I met an architect who left his firm to keep house and do occasional free-lance work. He told me his wife, a banking executive, was earning twice his salary. I think he also said the home title and bank account was in her name only. An associate of mine was surprised to learn that women now make up a majority of law-school students. Another has told me that women are taking over the accounting profession. Most real-estate agents I have met are women. And yet, it also seems like more men are occupying lower-earning jobs like bank tellers, for example, while more of the VPs are women.
I think one could make some sound arguments that women should run the businesses and men should keep house. I won't here recount the number of magazine articles that identify feminine characteristics that fit a new paradigm of segmented corporations, partnering for business, and sensitivity to social/global concerns. Also, I think people generally know that most new businesses are started by women. Housework, on the other hand, is physical work. Men should be a good fit here because they are typically more robust and muscular than women. Mopping floors, replacing the roof, hanging laundry, hanging doors, landscaping the yard -- these tasks can be properly dispatched with masculine muscle. Overall, perhaps men should embrace the idea of women in control economically and socially. As an engineer, I understand that it is nearly impossible to stop a wave from hitting the beach.
I have just read an entry regarding using the wife's last name. In most states, this is legal. It is also very proper. As society becomes more matriarchal, the man will show respect for his wife, and acknowledge her as more than an equal partner. It will also encourage women in leadership roles. They will not lose their identity, and men will acknowledge the power in their relationship.
Today a man who takes his wife's name can do so with pride and respect for his wife's status and accomplishments. As stated, a man who takes his wife's name is not only acknowledging his wife's status in the relationship, but is also showing respect and honoring all women by his public statement that women are not inferior beings that men should be ashamed to be subordinate to. Instead a man pays tribute to women’s hard-fought and well deserved current status, when he says he is honored to be known by his wife's last name. I find the large number of men taking their wives’ names today to be a very encouraging sign of the acceptance of the coming more matriarchal society.
As the world becomes more open to things, some families will be matriarchal. My wife has a lot of power in our relationship, and, In taking her last name, I acknowledged her leadership. I hope more men will consider taking their wife's last name as their own. This is most important when a wife has an important career. Why should she give up her identity? Let her celebrate her accomplishments. By taking her name, I can celebrate them also. I will admit there are times when I question myself, bu, everyone does. My wife and I are very happy. I am no wimp, but, she is in charge.
At the age of 28, I got married last year to a woman who is 5 years older than I am and, as the IT Manager she earns twice more than I do. I know nothing about matriarchisism, but it was an obvious choice that I should be the one who will gladly take her name as my own. After I have legally changed my previous name and put her maiden name in all my documents, we both think that we did a good thing and she is very proud of me. We haven't heard any negative comment neither from our friends nor from the family.
My fiance and will be married in 4 months. She proposed to me. She is a very high powered partner in a large law firm. I have a Liberal arts degree. Needless to say she does and always will make more money than I will ever do. We discussed what our roles will be once we get married and we both decided that it would be natural that I stay at home and do whatever I can to support her career. I have read about this sort of arrangement but never thought too much about it till now that it is happening to me. I realise that I am very proud of her and her accomplishments and I would do anything to make sure that her needs are taken care of and that our lives run smoothly. Running the household and making sure that all the little everyday things are taken care of. I will definitely be taking over the traditional women's role and I can't wait. Actually I have already started - She does not have any time to plan the wedding so I am doing it all which is fine. I read in a post here about the husband taking the wifes name. now that I think about it it would be silly for her to change to my name - what for? her name is a whole lot more relevant. i will discuss it with her. I would be proud to have her name.
The wedding would be a perfect place for you to announce that you are going to "love, honor, and obey" your wife and to take your wife's name. What a present you are giving to your wonderful wife. And let your wife take the dominant role in bed and sex. She will love your complete devotion and submission.
UPDATE: MICHAEL BRADSHAW
Hi everyone, I thought that all of you would like to get an update on how my wife-to-be and I are doing with our role-reversed union. We have now moved in together as the wedding is coming up fast. This gives us more of a chance of getting adjusted to our new roles. I had a hard time giving up my apartment but hers is a palace compared to my old one so I guess I will adjust :) I don't get to spend time with her as much as I would like to which is hard for me. She is always busy with work. I have had a lot of fun fixing up our new place and am thinking of getting some new furniture. She told me that I can do whatever I want with the house as long as it looks good and is comfortable so I am been having fun picking out some new colors. We have discussed at great length about our roles and we are both very comfortable with it. This is new for both of us, and I think it will be hardest for me adjusting to being taken care of and being dependent on her completely not only financially but emotionally as well.
Being a man who is taking on a traditional women's role means that I don't have many role models to learn from. But I am trying hard to learn to be a better "wife". Redbook is a Godsend! :) I am learning a lot just by watching how women have supported men and I emulate that.
We also talked about the name issue. She thought it would be an ok idea. She was going to keep her name regardless anyway so it’s up to me if I want to take her name. I feel that taking her name is a clear indication of our new roles and is a way that I can express to her and the world that she is the head of our household. I think that I will eventually but am not sure how to do it legally. If I do I would be Mr (her first name) (her last name).
Being the homemaker is hard, not only due to the tedious routine of keeping house, but also planning meals, shopping and basically being there for her and supporting her completely. On top of all this I am also planning the wedding – that’s hard because it’s a whole different world for me.
A week ago, I had a unique experience of entertaining at home for five of her co-workers, 4 of whom were women. I made dinner and served and cleaned up after while my fiance and her friends went to the living room to talk about work and business. It was a great success and my fiance was very proud of me. The women were all very nice to me and complimented me on the meal and the house. It was my first experience being the corporate spouse and I pulled it off well.
One thing I am grateful for is her. She is a pillar of strength and is decisive and firm. She knows exactly how she wants something done and will make sure it’s done well. I don't do anything without consulting her first, especially with money. Being the submissive partner is so different but also very nice. Sometimes it’s difficult but I like it. Having somebody to lean on and having a strong person lead you is very comforting. And if that someone is a woman, it is a wonderful experience. Eventually, I feel that more men will realise what a better life it is to have a woman be in charge of your life.
Matriarchy does not have to be a "power" trip in male terms. It is recognition of the female as head of the family, as head of that household, and the person on whom all final decisions rest. There is no hatred for males in such a relationship. The males may be submissive, but it does not have to be a sadistic treatment for "lowly males." It is also a focus on females in the family. It is the opportunity to give female children priority over her brothers. It may also represent the teaching of domestic skills to the boy children so that they can face the new society. I do believe matriarchy is best addressed when the man takes his wife's name in marriage. I even further the cause of the man becoming Mr. (Her first name) (Her last name.) In this way, they can tell society that they are a female centered household. It is the time of women now. So many of us in this forum have said as much. Long Live The Matriarchy!
Matriarchal marriage is best addressed when the man takes his wife's name in marriage. Take your wife's name and become Mr. (her first name) (her last name). In this way, you can tell society that your family is a female centered household. Taking your wife's name is a clear indication that you can express to her and the world that she is the head of your household. If she is the head of your household, should you not be proud to announce it? Why should she give up her identity? Let her celebrate her accomplishments. Today a man who takes his wife's name can do so with pride and respect for his wife's status and accomplishments. The large number of men taking their wives names today is a very encouraging sign of the acceptance of the coming more matriarchal society.
Do you have any idea what matriarchy means? It is not allowing her to be head of the household; SHE IS THE HEAD OF THE HOUSEHOLD. You better be able to listen when she speaks. You may find you have a lot of free time on your hands if you are at all adept at cleaning the house. This will give you even more time to support her career. Just want you to know what you are getting yourself into as a life. It can be very rewarding. However, you cannot be lazy. AND, when she takes over as Head of the Household, expect that she will take over in many other areas as well. At least, that is what happened to me.
Women are taking control of our society and taking lead everywhere. It seems that after 30 years males will be mostly househusbands or secretaries and almost all executives will be female except a token male executive. Soon, your wife will take you to dinner parties where women adjourn to the parlor to talk business while their househusbands retire to the kitchen to help clean up, take care of babies and discuss family life. It is the time of women now. There is no doubt that this century belongs to women. Celebrate the coming matriarchy with your wife.
Once you have found that matriarchal woman, you will be in a heaven you never could have dreamed. It is not bad work being the nurturer in the relationship. You must remember one thing however; a matriarchal vision is not a patriarchal vision in reverse. It is something new and something very needed. Listen and take direction well. That is the way people will see that this works. Be careful. As you can see from this site, there are many men who are afraid of their own shadow, and of the power of women. What they do not realize is that women's power is expressed quite differently than that of a man. It is a kinder, all inclusive kind of power. You are always a part of that power. Just learn how to successfully let her be the leader.
I am truly happy and completely in love with this strong, amazing woman who will be my life-long partner soon. Unfortunately, the wedding has been pushed back cause of her new job commitments. This was a tough decision to make for her but she decided that it would be best. She is travelling quite a bit now and her schedule is terrible. Its also so hard for me sitting around the house waiting for her to come home. But I now have some more time to plan the wedding :)
I showed her the posts on this site and she started thinking more about different wedding rites. She suggested that since we are going to be swapping traditional husband & wife roles in our lives, she thinks that we should show that during the wedding ceremony by swapping our roles there. She suggested that instead of her coming down the aisle to me, I should walk down the aisle to her. We would be swapping our roles in a normal wedding ceremony. She would stand at the front with her brides maid, dressed in a dark suit, while I would walk down the aisle dressed in a white suit, following the wedding procession. She wants me to ask my dad to give me away. I don't think that my dad will do it but my mum might. Is this going too far? I don't mind it - it would be very new and it would be very symbolic of our lives ahead. She thinks it would be a great way of showing my submission to her as the head of our family. I do want her to be in charge of my life and I will be taking her name and I love her so much. There is no doubt in my mind that I will always completely submit to her. Have you ever heard of something like this before where the man takes the brides place in the wedding?
Everything else is going smoothly. I am so comfortable in my role as the nurturer and home maker now. I do things almost automatically, like getting up early and making sure coffee is ready when she comes down, to kissing her goodbye when she goes of to work or doing a final check around the house before she comes home to make sure that everything is tidy and in its place. She expects dinner to be ready when she gets home so planning our meals is really hard sometimes but I am learning.
FRANCES (WIFE OF LARS)
My husband is as much a man as anyone. He chose to take my name in marriage because I had the career, his name was impossible to pronounce, and, we chose a life where he is subordinate to me. He shows a lot of strength as a househusband and stay at home dad. He had the example of many of his European friends. IT IS HAPPENING. As women get more power, they may head their families; there is no shame in admitting who the head of the house is. By the way, I do not beat or whip my husband. He freely chose his role; his submission to me is an honor he feels I deserve. It seems that this forum is a place to discuss these things. Why are so many men scared of powerful women? I do not know so many that are doing what we are doing, but the ones I know have men who are very manly and giving.
Michael, what you are doing is great and is something that all men should be encouraged to do. My boyfriend completely supports me and my career as well. We have been dating over a year now and I have always taken the lead in what we do and where we go. I am more aggressive than he is and leading is natural for me. I pay for our dates – it’s funny when we go out and the waiter always brings him the check first - hopefully one day, waiters will bring the woman the check first. I'd like to hear from more women - do you have boyfriends/husbands who are submitting to you?
BARBARA AND TOM
I am Barbara, and, I have always had a much larger salary than Tom. I work in a research lab, and he was a science teacher at a middle school. When we had our first child, I decided he should stay home. I have paid all the bills for over seven years. When we go out, we do not play games; I am the breadwinner and I pay for the dates. Tom likes the idea of being a "kept man," and he has continued to develop his submissive nature that was very evident in college. He is so handsome that he is my "trophy" husband.
Tom writes: I am the male of this couple. Everything she has said is true. She was always so bossy and demanding that I knew what life with her would be like, and I accepted my role in the relationship. I am strong enough in my masculine abilities that I do not care that I am Mr. Barbara. It is great knowing that there are others. It is not so bad having the woman in charge; we even have a more creative sex life than most men I talk to. Some are even envious of my position.
Role reversals should work just as easily as any relationship. I hope women get used to taking the lead, and men taking the nurturing and subordinate role. It may happen naturally; we males better be ready. I thank Barbara for being the boss; I could not have done the job she has done. We are a well adjusted family because of her leadership and drive.
This is wonderful. I am the breadwinner and head of my household that includes a husband and three children. I would not have my life any other way, except that I wish I could be home more often. My job demands that I travel all the time. However, the children are in good hands with my househusband. He is very creative. My career is where it is now because of the support he has given me.
Yes, I love submissive men. They make life worth living. I think there are more out there than we think, and, I hope there are more women ready to take over the leadership role in the family and community.
My advice to Michael is to keep doing what you are doing. I am sure your future wife will appreciate the care and concern you give her and her career. If you are the submissive one in the relationship, so be it. There are worse things than being bossed around by your wife. At least, you admit it. There are many men in this country who are controlled by their wives; they just do not want to admit it. Create some new traditions for your wedding. It will make your celebration special, and give you lots of memories in the years to come. Best wishes.
Michael - go for it - have a great wedding. You go boy! All us women support you! Role reversed weddings might soon be the norm as more and more women take the lead.
This is a woman's view, but, I think you are great. My boyfriend suggested I look into this site. I will graduate from college this spring, and the chances of my getting the higher paying job are great. My offers have already far exceeded what he has been offered. My major has always paid more than his; we are doing what makes us happy. I may be able to support his career so he can take more risks.
My boyfriend has said he will move where I decide, will be a househusband if needed, and will support my career. I feel I can go far as a woman with executive abilities. I asked him if he would take my last name as his own in marriage. I was surprised. He said, "Yes, I would with honor and pleasure." Are there a lot of guys who would take the subordinate role in a relationship? Dare I use the word "submissive"? What has been written here has pleased one college coed; perhaps the males will be the coeds of the future, will have the secondary place in the relationship, and will help re-establish matriarchy as a life.
I just met a college senior. His girlfriend graduated this past May and is already in the work force at a job that is paying $55,000 a year. That is where she started. He knows he will never be able to match that after his graduation. He is in education. He has realized that her career will dictate where they live. He may be the one who is at home when they have children. He is having to consider things that men ten years ago did not have to think about.
Michael, I am going to be doing the same in December. How are you coping with your subordinate status in public, with family, and friends? Most of the time, I do not care, but I know I am going to have to handle it during my marriage. I also read about your dinner party. How did you serve? Like so many others have said, you are leading the way for what many of us will also do. Please keep us informed. Are you having a church wedding? Will you use a female clergy person? That would seem to be only right.
End of Spousechat Archive Excerpt No. 1
(To be continued…)