Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Proud to Serve

I hope my readers have been having, and are continuing to have, restful and rewarding holiday times. Okay, I just wrote “restful” because it’s alliterative, but what could I be thinking? “Hectic but happy” is more like it for most of us.

I haven’t had time to post, or do much else, with all the last-minute shopping and returning and light-stringing (we go nuts) and cruising for the last &%$#! mall parking place. But I’d better post something before you all wander off—especially since the blog counter not long ago rolled over to 200,000 page views.

So here are a few words about what “john,” a female-worshipping blog colleague, calls “submissive pride.” As he succinctly puts it:

“Men who are submissive—and proud of it—should be free to identify themselves as such and not worry about what others think. I’m a strong secure submissive man who thinks bowing to the authority and command of a strong dominant woman makes sense and is the right choice for me.”

The first time I encountered a husband openly boasting of his devoted and submissive service to his wife was about ten years ago, on Lady Misato’s original Wife Worship husbands’ forum. The mainstay of that forum, Au876, wrote often of how proud he was to cater to his wife’s wishes, even in front of others, as in this example:

“We went to visit some of my wife's girlfriends at a lake cabin a couple of years ago. We had to take our own sheets and etc. One of the first things I did after getting the car unloaded was to make up our bed and put her clothes away. Later we were all sitting around talking. My wife asked me ‘Have you made up my bed yet?’ One of the ladies started to laugh like that was a stupid thing to expect of a man. But I quickly responded telling her yes and I had hung up all of clothes too…
“My wife was real proud of me. The lady who laughed made some sort of comment about what a good husband I was, and my wife responded saying something like, ‘He knows what is expected of him.’
“I was not embarrassed. I was proud of myself. I had done what I was supposed to do. The fact my wife asked me was a sure sign she did not intend to keep my status a secret from them. The fact I had already done it was a sure sign to her I was not ashamed of my status… Even when others notice, I am proud to treat my wife as my Queen.”

Has the social stigma of appearing henpecked and pussy-whipped lessened any over the past decade? Maybe not. But certainly more and more guys in the FLR lifestyle are speaking out proudly, like this:

“I used to be ashamed or would hide it. If I was ironing, I would act like it wasn't me ironing. The same with laundry or cleaning. I've since grown up and said ‘you know what, I should be proud of helping out’ and I've stopped worrying about what others think. I beam with pride when someone makes a comment about how great my wife is treated. “

“Some people may look at our lifestyle and say we are henpecked. As for myself, I'm proud to serve and please my wife. I also think it’s great to have a sense of humor about these things…”

“I felt really good doing the housework. I felt happy knowing how pleased my wife would be, and I felt kind of proud of myself for being so productive.”

Here, from the Spouseclub Archives, is a young guy bursting with pride over his upcoming marriage to “a very high-powered partner in a large law firm.” She proposed to him, natch, and he still sounds giddy about being swept up in her orbit and at his impending role as her devoted househubby:

“I am so proud of her and her accomplishments and I would do anything to make sure that her needs are taken care of and that our lives run smoothly… I read in a post here about the husband taking the wife’s name… I would be so proud to have her name.”

A female Spousechatter strongly seconds that idea: “Today a man who takes his wife's name can do so with pride and respect for his wife's status and accomplishments.”

For all these guys, accepting and openly acknowledging their innately submissive side constitutes an “out-of-closet” experience, a first step toward psychological liberation that needs and deserves to be encouraged.

“You were probably born with the trait of submissiveness,” writes the female webmaster at Caring Domination to a submissive male seeking her advice. “You want to please others. That's good. You probably submit to a higher moral code, which is very good… Be proud of your submissiveness. You are a caring person who could make a wonderful husband.”

For a few men, “submissive pride” seems to come naturally. An example is this guy, who brags about being raised in a strongly matriarchal home: “I am proud to say that I have been Female Led my entire life. My Mother (a strong beautiful woman) made sure I respected women and understood a woman's powers and that I was accepting of female leadership.”

But for most men to accept their own submissiveness is not an easy step, and to “out” themselves proudly before others is harder still. Often it takes the strong, helping hand of a Loving Female Authoritarian to facilitate this important psychological rite of passage. Understandably. As Kathy, who writes the Femdom 101 blog, explains. “Many of the submissive men who blog, or email to me feel ashamed of their status,” she writes.

“A woman needs to learn to build up her man,” she advises, “to praise him for things he does good, to encourage him to be a better servant.”

She praises one of her female commenters for doing exactly this: “It sounds like Bella is perfect at this. Her husband still has an ego, but the source of his male pride has been changed. A quick little comment from Bella about what a good servant her husband is, and he beams with pride. It is especially pleasing since she made the remark in front of female friends. Bella's husband may be a slave, but she still managed to put him on a pedestal.”

Kathy’s observation about changing the source of a male’s pride by praising him in front of “female friends” for being “a good servant” is the precise tactic recommended in a recent article on the DreamLover Labs site by Kathrin Cohen.

The article is humorously couched in psychological jargon, titled “Identity Reframing: Pride and Shame as Powerful Means of Behavior Control.” But the author loses no time in getting down to brass tacks. “Make him proud to serve,” Ms. Cohen tells her female readers, “make it clear to your male that his submission is bettering him and is something to be proud of”:
“It goes without saying that, given the many beneficial effects, you should aim at letting everyone know about your male's obedience. Create a formidable reputation which he will be afraid of ruining by being rude or uppity. Present him as the most helpful, well mannered man you have ever met.
“As the male learns to fight to preserve his reputation as the ‘most obedient,’ ‘most attentive’ husband, or the ‘boyfriend who never ever talks back to you,’ something important will happen. The male will begin to associate his sense of pride to the quality of his service, which is key to long-lasting obedience.”

Ms. Cohen concludes her article: “You are sending a clear message to your male's subconscious that: serving females is good; everyone thinks so; you love him for it; people expect it of him; he's good at it; so he should be very proud of it.”

Think no guy would allow himself to be so nakedly manipulated by women for their own ends? You’d be wrong. Here’s one guy, for instance, who takes the manipulative bait, hook, line and sinker: “My willingness to obey and do any chore [for my girlfriend, her sister and daughter] to increase their time together relaxing, has earned me the title of being well trained, which I love to hear. Just a few words of encouragement from these superior females and I feel rewarded and refreshed.”

Ms. Barbara, who moderates a provocative FLR group on Yahoo!, is another enthusiastic proponent of Identity Reframing—transforming male submissive shame into male submissive pride. As she writes:

“I want [my husband] to be proud to be a trained pussy eater and worshipper. Pride and submissiveness are no contradiction. He manages to make me happy and I think that he's got a right to be proud of that. That is the kind of pride every man should strive for, i.e., making a woman happy, first and foremost, before his own satisfaction and pleasure.”

A wife wishing to show off her man’s dutiful status, as Ms. Cohen recommends, but lacking a female confidante may urge hubby to reveal his submissiveness online, as in this note to Elise Sutton:

“Ms Sutton, my wife is thrilled with the changes in our marriage. She is proud of what she has accomplished and she wanted me to share our story.” One suspects this husband shares his wife’s pride in his accomplishments and has bought into the new self-image she has helped to shape.

But is it really that simple? By acting proud of her devoted male, even bragging about him to her girlfriends, can a clever wife really transform her man’s embarrassment and shame to submissive pride, and a resolve to be even more devoted to her service?

The answer seems to be yes. The oft-quoted Au876 swells with pride whenever his wife “brags on him” to her girlfriends. For him there is no greater reward. “I am proud to be known to do her bidding,” he states flatly. “There is no dishonor in making the bed, cleaning the house, shopping for groceries, cooking the meals, washing the clothes. That is the way a husband should be.” Likewise, on the Spouseclub Archives, Charles (aka Mr. Lisa), confides to Ms. Lynda that every day one of his main motivations is to do everything he can to “make Lisa proud of me.”

“I want my wife to be proud of me in my service and devotion to her,” echoes another worshipful husband.

But what of the wife? Is bragging about a submissive husband merely a clever manipulative tactic to “reframe his identity”? Can a wife truly be proud of a husband who grovels before her on a daily basis, seeking only to do her bidding?

The answer, again according to Mistress Kathy, is emphatically yes.

Women often ask her how she can be proud of her husband, when his status in the marriage and the household is so drastically reduced. The answer, she asserts, “is that I am proud of him for all the sacrifices he makes for me. I am proud of him for living his life according to my rules and priorities. This is not easy for a man, but he does a wonderful job of it… He may not be a man's man in the John Wayne tradition, but he is every bit a man.”

Or, as Au876 once put it, he is every bit “her man.”

Seen in this light, the groveling husband becomes his wife’s loyal and loving knight, bending his knee to signal his devoted service. This aspect of male submission service as romantic gallantry is also touched on by Kathrin Cohen in her semi-playful article on “Identity Reframing”: “Though concepts of chivalry are by some considered obsolete, they still resonate strongly with most males.”

“Men are capable of tremendous service and sacrifice when we are truly committed to a goal,” wrote an anonymous and extremely articulate wife-worshipper years ago. “We are most content when we have a great adventure before us. We have that cause at the feet of our Goddesses. To lift them to their rightful roles as the divine inspiration to our otherwise sad and empty lives. To give our bodies, our minds and our lives to serve and defend these brave, beautiful, nurturing, challenging, life-giving, playful, wondrous women. With their guidance, our lives once again become real and connected to the natural world.”

Amen, brother!

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Men at Work

Q: I get the “perpetual courtship” thing—treating the wife like a queen, flowers, chocolates, love notes, etc. And getting down on my knees to give her footrubs, even pedicures, can be a real turn-on. But I don’t buy into the courtship angle of doing more and more of the housework, even including dusting and ironing according to some of photos I’ve seen here. You can call it “domestic dragon-slaying” if you like, but that doesn’t make it manly.

A: Well, you certainly sound more macho than I am. And in my much younger, studlier days, the only apron I wore was a leather nail apron and as a rough-framing carpenter (or carpenter’s helper). But these days, yes, in my daily romantic service to my wife, I make the bed, fold her nightgown, iron her blouses (along with my shirts), and, yes, even dust knickknacks. I’ve even surrendered the remote (though I sometimes do my domestic chores listening to baseball, football and basketball on a headset radio).

The challenge remains, can a guy follow all the steps of wife worship, including “doing more and more the housework,” without sacrificing his masculinity and self-respect?

My answer is yes, unless he wants to be emasculated, or his wife wants him to be emasculated. Instances of this apparently abound—where men dress, or are dressed, in French maid costumes and go teetering about in high heels and makeup, feather duster in manicured hand.

But, judging by all the FLR accounts I’ve seen from husbands and wives over many years, this aspect of role reversal is definitely in a decided minority

I suggest that most wife-trained husbands perform their domestic duties in a no-frills, masculine fashion. As one of my favorite oracles, Au876, once wrote in Lady Misato's original Wife Worship Forum:

“Over the years my wife has pointed out that men are better suited for housework in a lot of different ways. Men are stronger (generally) and thus more able to move furniture so you can vacuum or sweep. Men have more upper body strength and thus are more suited to scrubbing, mopping and etc. Men are taller and can more easily reach up to clean high places… Men don't have to worry about breaking a nail or messing up nail polish while they are cleaning and are not nearly as concerned about how their hands look. She makes good points and I totally agree with her.”

Of course, Au adds that “the main reason I do all the housework is because she wants me to.”

Get the image of the hunky helpmate? One of the gurus of housework online, Jeff Campbell, seems to fit the manly matrix (oops, wrong term there!). On his website, Jeff sells a very manly looking apron, even if it doesn’t have belt loops for power equipment and a 20 oz. waffle-patterned framing hammer. “Professional cleaners dress for the job in comfortable, washable clothing designed for work,” Campbell writes. “Check out their supportive shoes and kneepads. Goggles and gloves protect against chemicals.”

And, yes, some of these henpecked, pussywhipped husbands “hoovering” the carpets and “swiffering” the linoleum are imposing dudes, well equipped for domestic dragon-slaying. Here’s a trio:

“My husband is a strong-willed man who enjoys much control and leadership in his field,” a wife brags on Lady Misato’s website. “He is 6'3" while I am barely 5'5", yet, I even dominate him physically as he does not resist my pushing and pulling on him… He is much happier and is often humming or singing around the house now.”

No. 2 sounds even more macho: “I am six feet four inches tall, I played college football, I can still bench press over 300 pounds, and I have a black belt in karate. I could kick most guys’ asses, if I were not such a loving and peaceful guy. My wife is a petite woman who weighs about one third of what I do and who is eight years younger than I. Yet, she rules my life to the maximum. She is the bossiest and most dominant female I have ever met and I am madly in love with her.”

Here’s our third tough guy: “In terms of my own manliness, I am a few months away from being a black belt in karate, I am the father of two almost grown children, own a successful business, and am in a romantic blissful relationship with a fantastic woman. I have given my Mistress Wife the reins to our relationship, not because I am a wimp, but out of a choice.”

Macho or even semi-macho, however, what about a fair division of household chores? As I wrote in Chapter 5, Pampering and Pitching In, of my book, “In today's two-income marriages, ought the woman be expected to tie on an apron the minute she parks her briefcase at the front door?... Shouldn’t the husband voluntarily turn off the Big Game du Jour and lend a hand? Of course he should. He should, in fact, let his work-weary wife log a few hours of her own in the La-Z-Boy with a magazine and a Merlot.”

There is knightly satisfaction in keeping Milady’s castle spotless, as this husband relates on Lady Misato’s site: “I do most of the housework now. I don't consider this a chore but a pleasure. I owe her so much and love her so much that I enjoy doing everything I can. I listen, respond, obey, and love every minute of it.”

He is also likely to be romantically rewarded for all his domestic drudgery, as this leading wife makes plain: “If you want to pamper a woman, do the housework for her. Do you think a woman likes to come home in the evening and do housework while her husband is watching tv and drinking beer? Having a husband who willingly does all the housework, laundry, etc., is a daily pampering. A woman loves to be pampered. Don't ever forget that.”

A CNN online article last June highlighted this issue, a familiar one in Wife-Led Marriags, in an article titled “Housework and sex: What's the connection?”

It begins: “Jen Simmons loves to watch her husband Danny tend to their two little boys, mop the floor or hang a picture. She also finds it sexy. Men do more housework than they used to, a study says, although they create more of it.” And goes on: “I am very turned on when he's doing housework," says the 36-year-old Camden, Delaware resident, a middle school teacher.”

Here are some supporting testimonials from houseworking hubbies:

“Before our FLR, we fought about housework constantly. Now I truly have learned to enjoy it. I enjoy pleasing Her. She especially loves it when I clean the toilets. It makes Her frisky. And I like a frisky Wife!”

Cautionary Note: Husbands shouldn’t expect a romantic payoff for substandard housework. As one Loving Female Authoritarian puts it, “I don't want to find panties or socks inside out or folded sloppy. Watch out if I do. I have become much more demanding as the relationship has grown.”

“It is a proven fact that most men cannot or will not clean as well as a woman,” another female head-of-house states, “but a little known fact is they can be taught!”

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Bow and Vow

Nothing to do with Worshipping Your Wife, even the occasional royalty, makes me happier than getting emails from readers about how my book or blog helped advance their female-led relationships. Not always, but usually it is men who confide that my prescriptions actually helped or, even better, that they showed certain chapters or blog posts to the potential goddess in their life, and she took the wife worship message to heart!

One gracious reader, in a recent series of email exchanges, credited my writings for “giving me the courage to openly submit to my wonderful wife.” After a period of “stealth submission,” he “came out” to his recent bride with a letter “explaining everything.”

Submissive hubbies who have gone the stealth submission route well know the anxiety involved in such a “coming out,” finding the right confessional tone and words, then waiting like a prisoner in the dock for the reaction of the beloved, searching her face and body language for the first signs of yea or nay.

My email correspondent hit the jackpot. His bride’s reaction to his confessional letter was everything he had hoped and prayed for. “She thought it was beautiful,” he wrote. Later he showed his wife my book, and she was enthusiastic. My friend is now living a life of open submission, and has since shared my book with another man. He adds, “I am beyond happy.”

He provides some additional details that I’d like to share. Every day he gets down on his knees and affirms his adoration of his beloved. “I honestly don't remember the first time I knelt in front of her and just adored her,” he writes. It just seemed natural. Down on his knees he repeats a series of daily vows that he wrote. “I say these to her every day, no exceptions.”

Here they are, minus a few personal phrases. I find them romantic and tender, candid and, yes, intimately confessional:
Today I promise to show you my love in how I speak to you and listen to you.
Today I promise to treat you with affection and respect.
Today I promise to put your needs before my needs and your desires before my desires.
You are my wife, my lover, my fantasy and my queen and I very much want to please you.
I very much want to serve and obey you.
I want to belong to you. I want to be your submissive husband.
This is who I am and I adore you for accepting me.

This daily ritual serves as a reminder of and rededication to his life of submissive devotion to his wife. And, he writes, borrowing a phrase from my book, it is also part of “daring to be known by her.”

I felt a pang of jealousy when I read this, because my new friend was describing a ritual that I once practiced with my wife, but which several years ago I allowed to slip away through lack of conviction and commitment to the lifestyle. As I explained in my own note to my wife:
When I see you each morning, or at the end of each workday, my heart fills with a newlywed's happiness. But, after 13 years of marriage [note: that was 8 years ago], there is no accepted ritual that permits me to display the intensity of my feelings. So I make do with a casual peck, a squeeze, a touch in passing... Too many months ago, for a brave while, I dared to go farther—to steal a few seconds out of our hectic morning preparations to kneel before you, as you dressed or did your makeup, and to embrace you wholeheartedly and declare my devotion. You were, I recall, accepting of these awkward avowals, and they gave my spirits a euphoric lift, a sense of going into the day draped with milady's colors and enwrapped in milady's perfume... But I let them lapse. And though I miss them keenly, these giddy little rituals, I've been too embarrassed, or too timid, to attempt to renew them.

And here my new email friend, inspired by me, was enjoying this wonderful daily ritual which I had neglected and lost! Why did I let that happen? I made my own vow—to regain what I had lost. To refresh my memory, I did a quick search of some postings I had saved on the topic of daily vows and obeisances. Here are a couple that get to the heart of the matter:

“When [my wife] finally got out of bed I quickly assumed my morning place before Her, kneeling before her, kissing her feet while she sat on the edge of the bed. She allowed this daily morning obeisance for a few moments, then stood and walked away toward her bathroom.”

Even more to the point is this posting from the wonderful blog (linked on my home page) by “Mistress Kathy” known as Femdom 101:
One of the special moments in my life was the first time John knelt at my feet, and we talked as mistress and [husband]. In my view the first time a man has the courage to kneel at his wife's feet is a very special occasion. This special little physical act often helps a couple transcend many of the boundaries that have kept their marriage arrangement from moving forward.
This may seem strange to many of you, but that moment John knelt to me for the first time, was as much of a romantic occasion as our first kiss. [Now, five years later,] there is never a day that John does not get down on his knees in front of me. During that time we talk as husband and wife, and John gives me his full and complete attention. There are no cell phones, TV, or other interruptions allowed. Our talk always ends with a kiss when I give him permission to rise.
What I am hoping by this email is to encourage other aspiring couples to adopt this procedure into their lives. It would make me very happy if at least one couple, who tries this procedure, would give me their comments on how this simple little act of devotion made them feel. I would love to hear as much from the wife as the husband.

So… thank you to my email correspondent. I am rewarded to have inspired you. But now you have inspired me. I make a bow and vow today to regain that wonderful daily ritual, which began for me years ago as an impulsive hyper-romantic gesture. I will keep you posted, and Mistress Kathy, too, on how I do in following through.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Worshipping Your Wife: 750-Word Digest Version

For those who, for whatever unaccountable reason, have not yet read the book, Worshipping Your Wife, here is a 750-word Readers Digest or Cliff Notes version:

WORSHIPPING YOUR WIFE: Six Steps for Turning Marriage Back Into Passionate Courtship

“Boyfriends need to understand that if women are worshipped, the world will be a better place.”
—Nicole Kidman

“If you want your wife to be a Goddess, worship her.”
—Clairette de Longvilliers

“The thrill is gone.”

It’s the lament of so many married couples. Husbands and wives drift apart, physically and emotionally, or maintain alliances of custom and convenience, keepers of a flickering flame.

Love has its seasons, as John Gray reminds us in Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. It's folly to expect eternal springtime, perpetual romance.

But what if it's not necessarily true? What if love can be rekindled, even the all-consuming passion of first love? And not rekindled briefly, for just a season, but “ever after,” creating that fairytale future couples dream about when saying their vows?

That’s the extravagant claim of Worshipping Your Wife: Six Steps for Turning Marriage Back Into Passionate Courtship. Yes, courtship—because that’s when guys and girls find each other most mysterious and magnetic.

Here's the entire six-step program in a nutshell—nominally addressed to husbands, but most effective when hand-delivered by their wives (or girlfriends), with salty or salient passages underlined.

The husband needs to:

Step 1: Realize that "the thrill is gone" and that he wants to get it back

A man will do anything to win the woman of his dreams. Should he lose her, he will do anything to win her back. Why, then, is he not willing to do anything, on a daily basis, to keep her contented? Because husbands don't perceive that a wife can be lost if never again wooed or won, that marriage is also a crisis, deserving of extreme efforts.

Step 2: Save his sex energies for his wife

The dirty little secret is that passion doesn't ebb, magic doesn't vanish—not for most husbands anyway. Their fantasy life continues unabated, only focused away from their wives. With visual erotica a mouseclick away, too many husbands, while technically faithful, yield to imaginary infidelity. And, at the risk of sounding Victorian, chronic masturbation, solo and secretive, can rob a marriage of its binding energies.

Step 3: Make her his fantasy

The solution is for the husband to make his wife the centerfold of his inflamed imagination, as she was during courtship. When a husband begins treating her with that same homage, the deadening scales of familiarity will dissolve and he will see her restored to full, feminine mystery and radiance.

Step 4: Court her every day, attempt to win her anew

Let the dragon-slaying, and sonnet-making, and gift-giving continue. Also: In courtship, the man proclaims his romantic ever-readiness, but the woman decides when (or if) sex will happen. It is a wonderfully workable formula, attuned to the dynamics of male and female sexuality. Let the man be hopeful all day long, striving to earn or seduce ultimate favors. Let the wife initiate and announce the main event ("Gentlemen, start your engines!"). Sex will be better and hotter for both--and more frequent.

Step 5: Pamper her and pitch in around the house

Is it unmanly to pamper your wife? Is it insulting, or infantilizing to open doors for her when she's perfectly capable herself? Should a husband stick to gender-specific chores--washing the car, hauling out the garbage? The courtship model makes quick work of such debates: You can't do enough for her! And, in today's
two-income marriages, the woman ought not be expected to tie on the apron the minute she parks her briefcase. Let her log a few after-work hours in the La-Z-Boy (with a magazine and a Merlot). It may pay erotic dividends later that night.

Step 6: Dare to be known by her

Most men aren't comfortable discussing intimate or emotional issues--even sexual fantasies. But the more a marriage returns to the courtship model, the more a husband's thoughts—and fantasies--turn to his wife during the day, the more he will have to share with her at night (or other private times). Opening up to her will serve to strengthen emotional and sexual bonding--and preclude any temptation for a "misunderstood" husband to unburden himself to another woman.

Summing up

“To me it’s pretty simple,” began a memorable post I found in a wife-worshipping message board. “It’s all about doing what I can do to make my wife happy. Because when she’s happy, I’m happy. It doesn’t take much once you get the hang of it. Every single day I just pretend we are dating and I try to win her heart.”


Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Swagger vs. Grovel, Part 2

One of the early posts on this blog, back in December 2007, was titled “Swagger vs Grovel.” It contrasted two “primal” male responses on encountering a beautiful female:

1. to strut and swagger, or
2. to be awestruck

As examples of “first responders,” I listed some familiar icons of movie masculinity—John Wayne, Clint Eastwood, Charles Bronson, et al.

But, guess what, just as many popular Hollywood actors can be found in the second category of responders—“men reduced to stammering, groveling adolescence by mere proximity to female splendor.” I cited Jerry Lewis, Woodie Allen, Jack Lemmon and many others, including, prototypically, Dudley Moore in “10.”

One among many groveling leading guys whom I overlooked, a familiar face on vintage movie channels, is Danny Kaye, especially in his Walter Mittyesque pursuit of Virginia Mayo,

In these films, I noted, “goddess worship could hardly be more explicit, nor the imbalance of power between male supplicant and dominant female more visible.”

I fancied my “swagger vs. grovel” formulation rather original. But I am not unhappy to learn that others have explored these same ideas and, in at last once instance, penetrated far deeper into the matter. In fact, it has prompted this sequel to that two-year-old posting.

I have in mind a short article on male psychology, “What Are You Staring At?” by Tomomi Kumakura, Ph.D. It can be found reprinted on the Dreamloverlabs website among their “Male Management” articles. I don’t know the original publication source.

In the article’s opening paragraphs the “Swagger” response is defined as “active lust,” and “Grovel” as “passive lust:

There are two psychologically distinct ways in which males can perceive a woman's beauty… The first psychological stance is that of the predator. In this case, the male's arousal is accompanied by what I call “active lust” which can be summed up as a wish to dominate the female and make her his through copulation.

The second possible stance that males can have is, however, a lot more interesting… and it consists in the same intense arousal associated with a sensation of worshipfulness, reverence, adoration; sometimes even awe. I call this “passive lust.”

The writer goes on to explain how this type of lust renders husbands and boyfriends much more amenable to behavior modification by the women in their lives:

The “worshipful trance” of the drooling, seduced male is a desired state in which willful compliance can be obtained; in fact, the ease of training of most naturally compliant males derives from the psychological position of weakness they perceive when exposed to feminine beauty… This sort of male is "locked into" the passive lust modality.

The article continues in a similar tongue-in-cheek behavioristic vein, yet, despite her playfulness, I don’t think Dr. Kumakura can be written off as a mere parodist, even when she explains how she exploits her own husband’s passive lust on her own behalf. Her psychological observations on this topic ring absolutely true to me—and I should know.

As I wrote to one who commented on my first “Swagger vs. Grovel” posting, “[A sense of awe and worshipfulness when faced with feminine beauty] is the jumping-off place in my own experience for all this wife-worship stuff. I can't control the response, and it can be almost overpowering, like being swept with some kind of brain-overload, however you want to describe it, even religious ecstasy.”

Hey, but isn’t that how Rocky Balboa felt about Adrian? Be careful, you macho guys. It could happen to you.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Spouseclub Archive Excerpt No. 10

Spousechat Archive Excerpt No. 10

(Editor’s Note: This tenth and final excerpt from the defunct “Spousechat” message board continues the discussion of the religious basis for matriarchal marriage and Christian feminism.)

As a Christian, I, too, have great interest in the spiritual dimension of matriarchy. As was pointed out in a post some time ago, there is no need to resurrect the old pagan goddesses (who were often less than virtuous), for Christianity itself supports the concept of matriarchy. Consider the following from a 16th Century author:
[excerpts trimmed; for longer excerpts, see
"Woman was created as much superior to man as the name she has received is superior to his. For Adam means earth, but Eve is translated as life. And as far as life is to be ranked above earth, so far is woman to be ranked above man.
“…we shall search out the excellence of woman, not only according to her name, but according to the facts themselves, her duties, and her merits. For this, let us (as they say) search the Scripture, and, starting with the beginning of creation itself, let us show what dignity superior to that of man woman has obtained from her place in the order of creation…
“Since the world itself has been created by God as a circle of absolute perfection, it is fitting that the circle be perfected by this particle capable of being the link that unites perfectly the beginning of the circle with its end. That is how, at the time of creation, woman was the last in time of all things created; in the conception of the divine mind, however, she was first of all, as much in prestige as in honor, as was written about her by the prophet: ‘Before the heavens were created, God chose her and chose her first.’”
“Christ, born into our world in the greatest humility, took the more humble male sex and not the more elevated and noble female sex, in order to expiate by this humility the arrogant sin of the first father. In addition, because we have been condemned on account of the sin of the man and not of the woman, God wished that this sin be expiated by the sex that had sinned and that atonement come through the same sex that had been deceived in ignorance…
“Moreover, God - I speak of Christ - has not chosen to be the son of a man, but of a woman, whom he has honored to the point that he became incarnate from a woman alone. For Christ is called son of man because of a woman, not because of a husband. This is an extraordinary miracle, which causes the prophet to be astounded, that a woman has encircled a man as a protection, since the male sex has been engulfed by a virgin who carried Christ in her body.”
(From Declamation on the Nobility and Preeminence of the Female Sex by Henricus Cornelius Agrippa, 1529, translated, edited, and introduced by Albert Rabil, Jr, University of Chicago Press, 1996)

Thank you for the posting. Please do more. You are an excellent teacher. I took as many feminist studies classes in college as possible and was often dismayed that the only female superior cultures were those of the Wiccan community. While I am open to everything, I did not wish to become involved in witchcraft. I did do a research paper on women religious throughout history and was overjoyed to find that there were several co-ed monastic communities in the early history of the church, and, these communities often elected women in the leadership roles. It was also interesting to find out that in these communities, the women religious were the scholars and the men were the servants. I am going to do some more research. It is good to know that there can be Christian Feminists who believe in the superiority of women as well as matriarchal couples in the Unitarian Church who can stand next to Wicca. If you have the inclination, would you take a few moments to describe your life?


Dear Ms. Lynda, I am truly honored by your comments about the posting. I am glad that you found the material helpful. It is from a site on Women’s Studies which contains summaries of 1500 years’ commentary on the Genesis narrative pertaining to the role of the sexes:
As for myself, I am from very conservative (and patriarchal) branch of Christianity. I was formerly very domineering toward my wife, but over the past several years my world has been literally turned upside down by the power of the Divine Feminine. Secretly I had longed to submit to a woman from my earliest years, but resisted that urge as being “ungodly.“ But my domineering attitude towards my wife was anything but godly. I wanted to be loving, but found myself powerless to do so as long as I was in charge.
Gradually I began to surrender to her and discovered to my astonishment that this was just what I needed to become the loving Christian husband I ought to be! And I was amazed that as I surrendered to her there was a sweet spiritual fragrance released through my life which other women could sense. I would just walk into the break room at work and heads would turn… how did they know what was going on in my home life?
The transition from a patriarchal to a matriarchal household has been a slow process, often moving two steps forward and three steps back. There are a lot of issues to contend with given our situation. But we are getting closer everyday to the goal. Please pray for us!
With earnest prayers for your beatitude, I am, your servant, c.f.

I want to encourage Mr. Lisa to post again. He has often encouraged great discussion about modern society, women's leadership roles and men supporting their women. And I want to thank all the recent men for posting who identify themselves by their woman's name. I hope some of you are doing this in a very public way. Thank you. Since women have done this for so long, it is nice to see men now willingly take their wife's name. This can only encourage women to strive for their best. Do not worry. We will take care of you.
Mr. Lisa - Please tell us about your end of summer party where you and a group of men served. Do you think you are helping Catherine's cause?
I also would not mind hearing more from the man from the Washington, D.C. area who combines his views of matriarchy with the practice of religion. How does the minister at your congregation react? I ask this because we have sometimes had the priest question why would we live a matriarchal lifestyle. This question would not be raised if we lived a patriarchal life. Are people so fearful that we are monsters or not normal?


Dear Ms. Lynda, I wanted to comment on your reference to the Medieval “Double Monasteries” which were headed by an abbess and where the men served the women. As both a contemplative and matriarchist, I think I would have fit in very well in such a place. The basis for such an arrangement was the filial/maternal relationship between the Apostle John and the Virgin Mary established by Christ as he suffered on the cross (John 19:25-27). In fact, in one such monastery the women’s house was named St. Mary’s while the men’s quarters was called St. John’s.
While I am nondenominational, I have a deep devotion to the Virgin Mary, as she has revealed herself to me mystically and in dreams. The first time she came to me, she merely identified herself as “Beauty” and asked if I was willing to become her slave. I thought that this was God manifesting himself in the form of a woman. Later as I continued my seeking it became evident that this spiritual presence who called herself “Beauty” was identical with the Virgin Mary as revered by Catholics.
There is a Catholic work entitled “True Devotion to the Blessed Virgin Mary” which details how one can give himself as a slave to Mary and even recommends the wearing of little chains around the wrist, ankle, etc. as tokens of one’s servitude:
While I subscribe to the spirit of this devotion, my being non-Catholic renders some the practices recommended as “impractical.”
Your obedient servant, c.f.


Re: “Woman in Finance, underpaid?”A really interesting article written by Anne Fisher, from Fortune Magazine. I think woman should have at least the same income as their male counterparts. [Note: Fortune weblink no longer works]

(In Reply to: Another Fortune Article, “Why Women Should Rule The World”)
Makes sense to us. And, I am beginning to dismiss the report that househusbands have more health problems. There seem to be many happy men who stay at home and support the woman's career. It opens them up to a new masculinity. Mr. Lynda is very masculine and very subordinate and supportive.

I truly appreciate the tenor of the latest posts. It is becoming very serious about female-centered families, work, and home. Please keep these discussions going. And, thanks for sharing articles that support the cause or show the continued imbalance.


Re: Virgin Most Powerful: While the topic is still fresh in people's minds I thought I would post the following for the sake of any who might think of the Virgin Mary as something less than a woman of power.
Catholic Belief in Mary's Strength
If asked to describe the Blessed Virgin Mary, which adjectives would you use? The list would quite likely include words such as gentle, sweet, humble, tender, etc., since this is how most hymns, sacred art and devotional prayers portray her.
Yes, the Godbearer is all of these things, but she is also courageous, strong, mighty and powerful. Does this sound strange? Then read on.
Mary's Strength in Scripture
The Bible does portray Mary's love, humility and silent contemplation (Lk 1:38; 2:19), traits often held up for imitation by the faithful (particularly women). But her strength, though equally evident in the Gospels, receives little or no attention from commentators.
Miriam of Nazareth is a strong woman who, at the risk of her reputation (Lk 1:34), chooses to bear the Messiah before her marriage with Joseph is finalized. She brings about the first miracle of Jesus' public ministry (Jn 2:1-11) and accompanies her Son to His death, bravely standing (not fainting!) at the foot of the Cross (John 19:25).
[Editor’s Note: There is a great deal more in this posting about Mary as a “woman of power,” but much of it can be found at the URL above.]


Again, deepest thanks go to you for your posting. It is excellent to know that a matriarchal relationship can also be spiritual in a Christian way. The conservatives have done every thing they can to make a woman's power nil. When I was in college, I went with a friend to a Presbyterian Church that would not allow the women to read in pubic, to offer their spiritual leadership, or to hold any office of administration with the parish. One of the elders even said he would never allow a woman to hold leadership over him and or his sons. Thank you for giving us another perspective. I bet a Christian run home that is women centered is as loving and nurturing and normal as any. Amen.
While this is most exciting to read, I must ask the following question. Why is the Roman Catholic Church so afraid of the concept of women priests? The women who are leading the church at the present time are doing a wonderful job. Since the priest must serve so many churches because of the few numbers, many women religious are the parish administrator. In other words, the priest is working for her. And, it is working out in a good way. Women have had a major responsibility for Catholic education leadership, and a Catholic education means excellence.

I am thrilled to read all the posts about Christian femdom and matriarchal (or matriarchist) study groups, especially those from Christian Feminist and Mr. Louise. I am learning much--and feel for the first time the possibility of integrating all the various conflicting yearnings within--to submit to my wife and to God, or the Goddess.
My wife, a practicing Catholic, also feels women should be ordained, and believes it must come to pass. She is the head of our family and of our household, although she does not openly espouse matriarchy. But my submission to her is growing... I cannot stop it or alter its direction.
Thanks for being such a wonderful congregation online!

Worshipper: My household is a definite matriarchy and it's Christian! I always knew she was powerful, opinionated and no-nonsense. But, in the beginning, mainly because of faulty theology, I tried to "be the man and leader". Definite personality clash and just plain role mismatch; she was frustrated and so was I. But, thank God, we met a middle-aged ministry couple in Indiana during a dinner party at her brother's home. The wife, pastor Florence, was the minister of a local evangelical congregation; her husband helped her ministry. Being of similar Christian persuasion I asked all my questions about the "man's role" and what God says.
I expected her to say that her hubby was the head of the house and that God just used her in a special way in ministry (I've heard that before). But thankfully, she had a different take altogether. She said, in front of us all, that SHE was definitely the head of their household and that Teddy was in loving submission to her and furthermore that's just how God intended it to be! Theodore just smiled and nodded.
She went on to explain that God's plan calls for A head of the household, not specifically the male. She proved it to us: that if you read those passages about marriage along with those that say there is no master or slave, man or woman in God's kingdom, you must conclude that the plan is that someone must represent Christ's leadership of the church and someone must be in loving submission as the church, but this was not based primarily on gender but spiritual attainment. Since she was chosen by God's grace spiritually to lead His flock of hundreds of souls, wasn't it obvious that she'd lead her home, too?
I laughed nervously. She just smiled then addressed us all as she followed up by saying that, in fact, in her experience the wife is almost always the more spiritually developed partner which is the only measure for leadership that counts to God. Women prayed more and showed more maturity and were just more practical. After a brief funny "war of the sexes" we all were forced to agree that men exhibit more immaturity and just weren't as spiritually committed to family growth as their wives by and large.
Pastor Florence then said "Look, when you combine that with women's opportunity to go to seminary or get educated in our country, which wasn't available back then, it's clear who is fit to lead more often than not." The wives let up a little hurrah; my wife beamed. Her husband then piped up and supported his wife's credentials as leader and said he would have it no other way.
After dinner, my wife and I spoke to her privately about her marriage. She asked many questions and listened to our story. After she had heard my wife's complaints (indeed I was the couch potato Sunday morning while she was often trying to drag me to church --- sound familiar?) and talked to me for a while about my stress and confusion, she prayed a little prayer with us. I was astonished! But our lives have never been the same since.
She said "Dear Jesus please bless this couple's marriage, keep it strong and bless them with all of your promises. Let dear Tim recognize your image in Stacy, and give Stacy grace and courage to take the reigns of leadership as mother and wife, help her to lead their marriage with compassion and wisdom. Open Tim's heart to loving submission to you and to her and by this may they avoid a broken marriage and through you may she strengthen his resolve for you..."
Well! We pray that prayer to this day and things got better and better, I can tell you! We got to church, check books were magically balanced, the house was peaceful and well kept up, I lost weight - you name it!
This past wedding anniversary we traveled to Indiana, to pastor Florence, to reaffirm our vows and I surprised her by arranging to take her name legally. Lots of red tape, lots of funny looks. But we have been blessed I can tell you! My wife now owns her own home based business and it is very, very successful. I am not too proud to say that my role is to help her in any way I can, to submit to and love her, and I'm glad that she needs me in this way. The gift of loving submission to her has made her blossom into the leader God intended her to be...and things are great at church, in our social life, at home, and in the bedroom. Men should not be too afraid or ego centered to admit the truth to themselves: if you look long and hard at you and her, shouldn't she be calling the shots after all? God bless.

WOW!!! Please keep these testimonials coming. What lucky men you are to have found your women. How lucky you women are allowed to be everything they should be, including leader of the home. Thank you for making the spiritual dimension of your relationship so important.

Lesson Plan #4. Fact Sheet of Matriarchal Characteristics
Objective: To acquaint students with the sociological conditions in a matriarchy.
1. The dominated sex (male) belongs in the house, has to cook, rear the children, develop shyness, adorn itself, and conform to obedience.
2. The dominant sex (female) monopolizes business outside the home; establishes intellectual authority.
3. The female name is retained; the male name vanishes.
4. Children follow the female line; boys are sometimes killed; female children are preferred.
5. Property remains in the hands of the woman and is inherited by her daughters.
6. The concept of illegitimate birth vanishes.
7. The woman becomes the wooer and has sexual freedom.
8. Women decide to prevent or interrupt pregnancies.
9. Women are physically stronger and agile.
10. Women retain the right of divorce.
11. Men become vain and self-conscious over their appearance; bachelors are equated with old maids.
12. The male youth is the ideal of beauty and usually married to older women.
13. The main divinities are female; sexual divinities are male.
14. The fear of death is an admirable quality because birthright is the most valuable possession.


I think most of us are for choice, but that includes the choice of being matriarchal and being a woman centered home. As for your point about women rulers, I think you are misinformed. We study the Elizabethan Age and the Age of Victoria because they were great moments in British history. The same may not be said for the Second Elizabethan Age, but it is still going on at the present time. We will have to see if Charles brings about another golden age. We also have learned that Catherine the Great was a great ruler of Russia, bringing about many advancements that the czars could not. We also learn of her that women can be as ruthless as men, and her sexual appetites are legend. Consider Cleopatra who gained power and wielded it better than most of the other Egyptian rulers. While one could argue many of the points, Prime Minister Thatcher led England through some very difficult times. New Zealand is almost a matriarchal government at the present time, and the reports are very favorable about the work the women are doing. There are so many others that one could cite, but I hope you get my point. In the end, it is a matter of choice. Just allow us women the freedom to be everything we can be, and that includes supporting a husband who stays at home, is the subordinate spouse, and who supports the life of his career woman. Just want all the options. Thank you, Christina, for the site. I found it interesting that it came from Yale University that at one time was a bastion of total male power. It is nice to see the Ivy League so open to these new ideas for discussion.


Uxor (wife) -ious: submissive or devoted to wife.
Uxorolatry: skipping the middleman and simply worshipping your wife. Our usual home practice as of 1995 and it works quite well, thank you.
A Radical Program for Matriarchy in a 12 step program.
1. Exalt your wife, legally. TAKE HER NAME, loose yours.
2. Be unbanked, let go and let her. ALL MONEY SHOULD BE IN HER NAME, today! No cosign, no excuses. Every penny should belong to her, she gives you an allowance (maybe).
3. No two-faced hypocrisy. (hardest step) LET EVERYONE YOU KNOW, KNOW. I suggest the direct approach: "My wfe is the head of our home... you know, I took her name..." works quite well.
4. Submission and the feather duster. yes, guys: DO MOST/ALL OF THE HOUSEWORK. Schedules and couples differ but almost all guys don't do enough, do much much more.
5. Submit to her mother, your mother, your wife. WOMEN RULE THE ROOST, YOUR WIFE IS JUST YOUR MOST DIRECT BOSS. This is an attitude adjustment, but well worth it.
6. Never, ever force sex or pressure. SEX ON HER TERMS, FOR HER PLEASURE, EVERY TIME NO EXCUSES. Sure this is difficult and you might get less but it's much, much better!
7. Learning to be a good gift giver. LEARN TO SHOP FOR HER; LEARN WHAT SHE LIKES, WHAT COLORS, STYLES. Yes, you do have to be trained! That means going to shop with her over and over again, no more helpless mall bench sitting. No, sir. Go to every shop, ask detailed questions. Let her try on the whole store if she likes. Smell, look, taste, compare. Your style should be an extension of her style.
8. Ever watch the Food Network? Get used to it! LEARN TO COOK FABULOUS MEALS. Cooking is sexy and good training.
9. Pampering is not just for babies. MASSAGE HER, BATHE HER, LIGHT CANDLES, SHAVE HER LEGS, APPLY A FACIAL. Self-explanatory: she is a goddess.
The above nine should apply to all men. The following three apply to Uxorolators.
10. Two words: YONI WORSHIP. Look it up and get used to it: it's about all the sex you should need. Accompanying Artwork: Georgia O'Keefe prints. Vaginal art work of all kinds.
11. Bullhorns. HER SACRED RITE TO CHOOSE. Reproductive and sexual rites for the advanced wife-worshipper. Accompany by vasectomy. Your bed as a cuckoo's nest: your wife and the bull need privacy: getting used to the couch or guest room and the art of self-love, is mandatory! Accompanying artwork: Bull-God representations, Horns, Pictures of Cuckoo Birds, Pictures of Bulls, and (need I belabor the point?) her boyfriends past and present.
12. The Queen and her Scepter. PHYSICAL PUNISHMENT FOR YOUR DISOBEDIENCE. No, not whips and chains, necessarily. Mostly slaps and punches, really! Yes, her right over your entire being includes a swift stinging slap when you talk back or act stupidly. She wears your belt, figuratively and, in some cases, literally. Accompanying artwork: her belt, high heeled shoes, pictures of her hand in flight. A Queen and her sceptre, a jockey and her riding crop, a teacher and her paddle, a policewoman and her nightstick, a Mother's lap and open palm.
"She is so strong." "She has complete control." "I'm weak and she is powerful" "I'm underneath her totally." "I submit to her daily." "It's not my place to question her." "She is my queen; She is powerful." "I bow to her and I kiss her feet." "Her power is absolute over me." "She is great and powerful." "She protects me." "She owns me." "I will obey her totally." "She is in absolute control." "Her decisions are final." "I'm afraid to cross her." "I'm afraid of her anger." "I'm afraid of displeasing her." "I worship her." "It's her right to take lovers." "It's her right to own everything." "This is her house." "I belong to her; I'm not my own." "She is mighty and powerful and I'm weak by comparison." "She is wise and makes good decisions." "I won't second guess her." "I won't talk back." "I will serve her and submit." "I will serve her lovers and obey her." "She is my only goddess." "I will save my body for her."

Thanks for the new vocabulary word. It will become part of my everyday usage. Mr. Lynda loves the word too.

I have noticed some of the men dressing in a feminine style. I feel the man should be all man and the woman all woman. This way the woman is really controlling a male figure. This shows the woman’s superiority over the man. In our home I do most of the housework. I basically take on the role of the typical role of the wife. My wife like most husbands only helps when she feels like it. I am all male and submissive to all woman. My wife never wore a maid uniform, so she does not require me to. The only thing different, I may find myself across her knee. She controls the money. She can complain if the house is not in the order she thinks it should be.

Thank you for your posting. It takes all kinds. Mr. Lynda never dresses in feminine attire because we equate all things feminine with Woman's Superiority. However, others do. That is o.k. if they remember who is in charge. Some practice BDSM. I do not, even though I have leashed Mr. Lynda and led him around for fun. I am really beginning to appreciate all the people who are posting here. The discussions have been serious, lighthearted, and pure fantasy. Isn't this how we get through the day? And, thank you for expanding my vocabulary.

When we were celebrating our marriage, Mr. Lynda was naked before his mother and my mother; however, there was no incest. It was a fun day to relieve some of the tensions of the wedding ceremony.
I do spend time putting Mr. Lynda through his paces in front of friends. It is a humbling experience for him and I feel very powerful. We created some scenes from RITUAL OF PROOF for our wedding showers and rehearsal times. Mr. Lynda once begged me to whip his cock, and I did with a velvet "pussywhip." It can be fun, but, it is not part of our regular practices. I have also put a leash on his neck and cock and led him around. How powerful does that make me feel? This can be part of our fun times. However, most of the time, it is normal. The only difference is that I am the BOSS. Like in the Wife of Bath's Tale from Canterbury Tales, let the men obey their wives. It is the best way.

(End of Spousechat Archive Excerpt No. 10 – end of series)