Wednesday, February 23, 2011
I have the incredible good fortune to be married to a woman who is always right. I’d estimate around 99% and feel safe, since every once in a great while she’s actually wrong—about minor stuff, mind you–just to demonstrate that she’s not perfect.
I can deal with it. Not by disputing her, however, although I know some husbands resort to such tactics. They assert the great ape prerogative, strut about the cave and shout her down. But I prefer to cope with her near-infallibility by adopting her ideas whole hog, along with her viewpoints, suggestions, hints, directives, and generally profiting from the privilege of living with an Oracle.
“Oracle” because she’s not only right about current stuff, but about the future. My wife gives wonderful advice—almost off the top of her head. I am amazed when I see people, especially our kids, ignore it. Not only do I take her advice, I rarely do anything, even send an email, without asking for input.
Some husbands would go nuts to be so overshadowed by female omniscience. I know one guy, whose wife is also a brain and a gem, and this guy second guesses her or contradicts her about everything. She can barely get out one sentence without him rising, like an opposing attorney, to raise an objection, a clarification, to challenge, or to launch into a full-scale cross examination. Over the decades of this boorish and unbearable behavior, he has succeeded in undermining his wife’s confidence to the extent that she now second guesses herself on everything.
(PS. She’s actually a courtroom attorney, outearning him by a very long way.)
So when I read the advice of wife-worshipping husbands never to argue with your spouse, it’s hard not to take. But apparently I’m not so unusually in being married to a prodigy. Wives, it would seem, really are smarter, and the best way for us guys to smarten up is to listen up.
I share some thoughts along these lines:
Fdhousehusband: “…my second Key Insight of a Successful Submissive flows from the power exchange at the heart of any Female Led Relationship: KISS #2: ‘She has Authority to make mistakes.’ Looking at the flip side of this, if She only has authority to make good decisions, where is the power exchange? She would only be doing what you agreed with! But, if She has the authority to make mistakes, you are really putting yourself completely in Her hands!"
Beckie Sue: “A few years ago, my husband and I sat down and I told him if I was going to make the decisions, I demanded he obey me without question. Do I make mistakes? More than I wish. But my husband takes the blame for them and the punishment; this is his worship of his goddess!"
Au876: “Give your opinion or advice when she wants it BUT REMEMBER she is the decision maker. Once she makes the decision you have to adopt it as your own. It is no longer a question of her being right or wrong, it is a matter of you supporting and obeying her regardless of what you think… Vow to yourself that no matter what, you will support her position and make it work. If it develops she was in fact wrong, NEVER say I told you so or even hint at it. Be a man about it and take the blame yourself. There is a saying, ‘The boss is never wrong.’ It is not because the boss is never wrong, it is because She is the boss.”
Pussywhipped Prince: “The freedom and power of surrendering my thoughts and opinions that run contrary to my wife's position is the purest joy and most terrifying action I have encountered. You've heard the saying ‘The woman is always right.’ Standing there with steadfast commitment takes my becoming a stronger man than I have ever known myself to be. If a man has an opinion in the forest and no woman is around, is it still wrong?”
Madame Rebecca (who operated a now-defunct Yahoo! Group entitled, “Trained Husbands and Happy Wives”): “Let your wife do your thinking.” And elaborating upon this:
“You want her to be more active and you desire to show her you are a useful male and serve her. Does it not appear to you that if she told you or asked you or that if you even thought she wanted you to do something, you should do it? Live for her and let her do your thinking for you. Let her know that you know she is always right and she is smarter than you and knows what’s best for you.”
As I wrote in an earlier blog post, Being Shaped By Her, Part 3, “…many husbands, who initially balk at having their wives mold their thoughts and opinions, become accustomed, and even addicted to the process over time.”
Monday, February 14, 2011
The mainstreaming of the concept of female-led relationships is an exciting thing to watch, and also to chronicle, especially for us self-appointed cheerleaders of the movement. FLR and WLM (wife-led marriages) blogs are proliferating daily and assertive women are in media ascendancy everywhere you look.
A major contribution to this mainstreaming is a new FLR website, entitled, simply, Female Led Relationships. Go take a plunge, and if you don’t come back to finish this blog, that’s fine. I’m especially delighted by its persuasive feminine slant. To quote the developers:
"This site is about Female Led Relationships, women leading the men they love, building a better relationship. [It] was basically written by 4 women and 1 man. By Jan 2011 thousands have participated in the project. Participation is open but monitored. We are and cater to intelligent people who want intelligent direction and answers. The content was written from a middle aged woman's perspective for women to read. Men readers can use this as a resource for their mates and are welcome to participate.”
A wonderful resource indeed, I think, perfect for introducing a wife or girlfriend to the benefits of female-led relationships. Again, to quote: “We want to provide a refreshingly open and thorough website covering the topic of FLR without all the distasteful distractions. This site exists without porn… We only show images depicting women as positive and capable leaders whose families benefit from men serving in a positive way.”
One of the site’s sub-pages discusses what they call the “5 Food Groups” of FLRs, which they list as:
2. Free Time
3. Household Chores
4. Life Direction
These are areas of a relationship in which couples can profitably experiment by expanding the area of female control, from 50/50 to total. The site discusses the advantages to a woman (and, ultimately, to her spouse) in gradually ratcheting up the amount of control she exercises in each of these areas.
I particularly enjoyed this list, because it is practical and woman-focused, in a well-organized, slick-magazinish sort of way (and I mean that in a complimentary way). The “5 Food Groups” also reminded me of the subtitle of my book, Worshipping Your Wife: Six Steps for Turning Marriage Back Into Passionate Courtship.
My Six Steps are addressed to husbands and boyfriends desirous of initiating a female-led relationship, even if they have to start on the sly. To quote myself, the guy needs to:
1. Realize that "the thrill is gone" and that he wants to get it back.
2. Save his sex energies for his wife.
3. Make her his fantasy.
4. Court her every day, attempt to win her anew.
5. Pamper her and pitch in around the house.
6. Dare to be known by her.
Sometimes I call it Wife Worship, sometimes Perpetual Courtship. My inspiration for both was Fumika Misato’s brilliant formulation of the Courtship Marriage. (Her website, Real Women Don’t Do Housework, like the new Female Led Relationships site, is definitely supercharged with estrogen.)
But whichever steps are followed, the romantic endgame is the same. The point of Passionate Courtship is that it is led and guided by the woman, with the ardent male suitor at her beck and call. Perpetuated and sanctified, it becomes a Female Led Relationship or a Wife-Led Marriage.
And it’s the coming thing.