Monday, April 26, 2010
(This installment concludes my archival republishing of sections of “Vivian’s Domain,” an FLR website originally hosted on Geocities.com.—MR)
The great thing about sex in a marriage that includes Domestic Discipline is that it gets better in whatever way you want it to. Think about your sexual fantasies, the things you've never told your husband about for fear of what he'd think of you or for fear that he'd either reject you or the idea. Now you have the freedom to let your husband know what you want in sex without fear. You have that freedom because of his vulnerability.
Think about it. He has just allowed himself to be bare-bottomed spanked by you, you have humiliated him, restricted his access to his own genitals, and he is kneeling naked before you begging for an orgasm. Do you think anything you tell him about your sexual desires is going to sound “too weird” for him? I don't think so! When it comes to sex you can have whatever you want no matter what your preferred styles of sex are. Let me give you a few examples.
I am a natural for Domestic Discipline because I enjoy having and using sexual power. I get a thrill from sexually dominating my husband. I enjoy forcing his face into my crotch for oral sex. I enjoy being on top during intercourse, talking to him, warning him about what will happen if he cums before I've said he may. When we roll over, I enjoy the way he winces and whines when I use my riding crop to reinforce my directions that he speed up or slow down. My husband, of course, enjoys these things too. I also enjoy punishing him when he has not performed to my standards. We are a perfect fit in this regard.
My Friend Susan
When it comes to sexual enjoyment and ingrained fantasies, Susan is the opposite. She wants to be dominated in bed. She wants her man to be strong and forceful in sex. She likes to resist a little and be gently but convincingly overpowered. She enjoys being playfully spanked herself during foreplay. One may think it difficult for her to be dominant in Domestic Discipline and submissive in sex. In fact, it works out very well for her.
After a disciplinary session, Susan tells her husband what she wants from him in sex and that certain privileges, rewards and punishments will be tied to his performance. Susan had been married 15 years before discovering Domestic Discipline. In all those years she had never been able to tell her husband what she wanted in sex for fear of embarrassment or rejection.
Once she had made him totally vulnerable to her in Domestic Discipline, she was able to tell him without such fears. He was delighted to find out how to please her better. She tells me her sex life is 100 times better than it ever has been. She gets her playful spankings during foreplay and he gets his serious spankings during disciplinary sessions. It works out wonderfully. She has even come to enjoy the power she feels when disciplining him and laying down the law and looks forward to disciplinary sessions.
My Friend Carol
Carol is more conventional in bed. She wants her man to woo her with romance, flowers, candlelight dinners, and long, luxurious foreplay. She wants her man's undivided attention during sex, wants him gazing into her eyes and telling her how beautiful she is and how much he loves and cherishes her. That is how sex was for her during her first year of marriage. Over the following eleven years it changed. It became mechanical, boring and void of passion.
Like Susan, once Carol initiated Domestic Discipine with her husband she was able to tell him what she wanted and he had the energy and motivation to give it to her. Her sex life also dramatically improved and continues getting better.
Another factor that improves sex is control over ejaculation. The most common male sexual dysfunction is premature ejaculation. The ejaculatory control achieved through Domestic Discpline lengthens his staying power which makes him more confident in sex and increases your satisfaction tremendously. If his problem is that he takes too long to ejaculate, that is easily handled also. Once you are in the habit of denying him orgasms, it is easy to stop intercourse when it ceases to be pleasurable to you.
So you see, it doesn't matter how you like it, it will get better. You may be like Susan or Carol or me, or you may have a little of all of us in you. Domestic Discipline is not about spending hours dripping hot wax on your husband or hanging him from the ceiling in chains. That's S&M. If you enjoy that you can do it, but you need not. Domestic Discipline crashes through his male ego and establishes his vulnerability. Once that has been done, the barriers to intimacy are gone and the possibilities are endless.
Frequently Asked Questions
What follows are examples of some of questions I have been most frequently asked by women over the past couple of years and my responses. This entire website is actually one big answer to frequently asked questions, but this section deals with a few that I felt needed a little more explanation.
Dear Vivian, While I am intrigued by this idea of punishing my husband and controlling his orgasms, it feels confusing and self-contradictory. On the one hand, it seems as if you are saying that I should put my husband over my knee and spank him because he really wants me to (that he gets a sexual thrill out of that) and on the other hand you're telling me to do this because he doesn't want me to (that he will change his behavior in order to avoid a spanking). I don't get it. If he wants me to do these things to him, then it seems I should only do that when he has behaved well -- as a reward. If he really wants me to deny him orgasms (that really turns him on) then I should do that as a reward rather than as a punishment. Right???
This question goes to the heart of Domestic Discipline. It is a paradox and can only be understood as such. It is as complex as it is simple. It has to do with the difference between fantasy and reality. For the most part our fantasies are such that we'd really like them to take place in reality. Sexual fantasies are another matter. While some of our sexual fantasies involve things we wholeheartedly want to happen, some involve things we'd really not like to happen in real life. I remember a crush I had on a teacher in high school. I had a dream one night that I was standing in front of him in his classroom wearing only my bra and panties. For months I fantasized about that. Did I really want that situation to take place? NO. It would have been humiliating for me at that time. Did the thought really turn me on? Definitely.
This is true because of the vulnerability inherent in sex. Your husband wants to be vulnerable to you. Your husband is afraid of being vulnerable to you. Your husband wants you to control him. Your husband fears being controlled by you. Your husband wants the feeling of being scolded and spanked by a strong woman. After a couple of stinging slaps to his buttocks, he does not want to be spanked further.
The fact is that he needs to accept a couple of things about marriage. ONE: that he cannot live in a marriage as if her were a bachelor -- doing what he wants when he wants. TWO: that he needs to be vulnerable to you in order to have a truly intimate relationship.
Domestic Discipline meets those needs in the only way he can fully accept. He can accept it because it uses a deeply ingrained sexual fantasy to achieve its end. When a wife attempts to control her husband without indulging this fantasy, he resents and resists her. When she controls him by accessing this fantasy, he appreciates and cooperates with her.
That said, it should be noted that there are a small percentage of men who really do enjoy the actual punishment. The more heavily masochistic man will enjoy being spanked no matter how hard you spank him. You will know your husband falls into this category if his behavior deteriorates after you initiate Domestic Discipline. While all men will test limits at times and seem to provoke discipline occasionally, you will probably find that your husband is very careful not to provoke a spanking for at least a week or so after a good hard one. They do forget how painful spankings are sometimes and need periodic reminders, but the heavily masochistic man will seem to be "asking for it" almost constantly. If your husband is like that you are better off considering the spanking to be a reward and spell out the things he needs to do in order to earn one. Most men, however, do not fall into that category.
Dear Vivian, As I read your website I got the message that Domestic Discipline is a favor or gift I can give my husband. That part of it appeals to me as does the behavioral change that you say will take place in him. It does seem, though, that I'd need to be mean to him in order to do this. I'm not a mean person and do not enjoy the thought of being mean to my husband (I have a hard enough time when I have to punish my children). Do I have to be mean in order to do this?
This question also gets to the heart of things. While it is a good idea to have a sense of humor about all of this and to let him see that you find this humorous at times, there are times when you must be or appear to be very serious, very strict and very firm. If you seem to be in the humor mode all of the time, he will get the sense that you are not really in control and he will only cooperate when he feels like it. Once he gets into that habit, the positive effects of Domestic Discipline get lost.
During scoldings and/or disciplinary sessions it is important to be strict, firm and maybe even a little bit mean at times. I know this is hard for some women. That is why I suggest thinking of yourself as role-playing when it is time to administer an effective punishment or scolding. It is also why I recommend that you require your husband to thank you after he has been punished; it reinforces your sense that you have done him a favor and relieves you of the uncomfortable feeling that you may have been cold or uncaring.
Every woman, no matter how meek and mild, has the following things inside her:
A) Anger -- general and specific
B) Resentment at the things men think they can get away with
C) An impatience with bratty, immature behaviors, and
D) A need to feel in control
I suggest tapping into and giving vent to these feelings when your husband needs to be disciplined. After the discipline has been administered, you can move back into your warm, loving persona.
Dear Vivian, I love my husband and do enjoy spending quality time on sex, but I'm a busy woman with a career and three kids. It seems that this program of Domestic Discipline would take a lot of my time and attention in order to be done right. I don't think I have the time to treat my husband as if he were another dependent in the house.
One of the best things about Domestic Discipline is the effect it has on your workload and your worries. This is a way to finally get your husband to do his share of work around the house and maybe a little bit of your share also to make up for the years you were doing most of his share. You gain tons of time and give very little. Think of what you could be doing with your time while he's doing the dishes, making dinner, doing the laundry and cleaning the house.
You will need to give him a different kind of attention than you're probably used to (a kind of attention that is fun to give), but it is probably not an increase in attention. You will find in Domestic Discipline that you will receive that attention back tenfold (which is far superior to the 15% or 20% that most women usually receive back from their husbands). Let me be more specific here.
In Domestic Discipline you need to show your awareness of your husband's sexual situation and his behaviors more often than you probably do now. This is not time-consuming, however. At least once a day you will want to draw your husband's attention to his sexual need for you. This can take as little or as much time as you like. Simply patting his crotch, reminding him not to masturbate, or having him present an erection to you can do it. If you have him wearing a chastity device, it may take 5 minutes or so to remove it, stimulate him and put it back on. But that's all that's necessary on those busy days. What will he be doing on those busy days in return for those few moments of attention? The dishes, the laundry, the vacuuming. Have you lost time? I don't think so.
On those days that he requires a serious session of discipline (which should not occur more than once every couple of weeks unless you want them more often), you may need to spend a couple of hours or more on his discipline. You can schedule this time and make it very enjoyable for you even if you don't enjoy actually administering the punishment as much as I do. When you schedule the punishment in advance you give him a few days to be nervous about it and you can have him plan to fix a nice dinner for you that evening. In order to minimize the severity of the punishment he will try to make it as tasty and relaxing a dinner as possible for you. After dinner you can have him do the dishes while you leisurely digest. Then you begin the punishment scene.
After the punishment scene you may or may not want sex. It's up to you. Either way he will want to show some affection to you (it's a natural submissive reaction) during the reconciliation phase. If you don't want sex you may have him give you a backrub or whatever. Remember that sex in this relationship need not include any release on his part so it can always take only the amount of time that you find enjoyable. For every two minutes you spend teasing him you get 20 minutes of ecstasy and satisfaction. It's a no-brainer!
And think of all the time you spend arguing with your husband. Domestic Discipline cuts this time by about 75%. Most arguments never get off the ground because now there is an authoritative presence in the situation -- YOU! When the two of you do argue he will be more careful about how he behaves during the argument if he knows that being excessively argumentative will earn him a punishment or a further delay of sexual release. The arguments you do have will not take as much time because he can be reminded at any time how he is to treat you.
All combined, you save at least threefold the time you invest in Domestic Disciline and you have a happier marriage to boot.
Dear Vivian, Isn't this all just a little bit sick? Or maybe a lot sick?
No, it is not! I include this question because it is a common first reaction of many women when approached with the idea of Domestic Discipline. Even if the idea sounds and feels appealing to a woman, the popular notion that power exchange in sexual relationships is the stuff of serial killers and perverts causes her to reject Domestic Discipline as sick or weird. The fact is that there is nothing sick or weird about it. Power will always be a part of our sexual psyche no matter how much we try to deny it.
Although I haven't found the issue of Domestic Discipline specifically dealt with by mainstream sex advice experts, I have seen issues of sexual dominance and submission addressed by such experts. It is generally agreed that there is nothing sick or perverse in a sexual psyche that is excited by power --whether exerting it or having it exerted upon one. It is known that the centers in the brain having to do with fear, anxiety and arousal are very close to one another. This neurology is probably what is responsible for the link between domination and sexual arousal.
Dear Vivian, There is a lot about this idea that appeals to me. The problem I see with it is that it feels as if my husband is reduced, in this scenario, to a weakling. I have a great deal of respect for my husband and I like feeling that way about him. I like to feel that my husband is strong and capable, not weak and immature.
Understood. I think most women are like you in this regard. I do not want a weakling or an immature child as a husband. I want a man I can be proud of. In a sense that is what Domestic Discipline (DD) is all about. We do not close our eyes to our husband’s weaknesses in order to maintain our feelings of respect for him. We deal with those weaknesses in order to make him worthy of or respect. DD is not about establishing a mother/child relationship (though the practice is sometimes referred to as "maternal discipline"). It is more like a Queen/knight relationship -- especially in public -- and like having a servant when you want one in private.
Our knights in shining armor, however, do not always behave in ways that make them worthy of the title. We make them worthy. The things your husband goes through in DD he endures for you -- his Queen. When he endures the restraint of chastity he endures it for you. When he endures the pain of corporal punishment he does so for you. When he endures the humiliation of his situation he humbles himself for you. When your friends and family see how he treats you they will envy the strength and civility your husband displays. They will only know, unless you tell them otherwise, that your husband treats you the way they wish their husbands treated them.
You will find that your husband is better able to control himself once you have begun DD. He will think better of himself for this improvement. If physical strength and attractiveness would raise him in your estimation, build exercise into your DD plan. Most men do not exercise regularly and would not only look better and be more capable, but would feel better about themselves if they did. DD improves him. It does not diminish him. Your respect for him will grow to new heights using Domestic Discipline.
Dear Vivian, I have been practicing Domestic Discipline for seven months now and they have been the best months of my 11-year marriage. I have not, however, gone for the public humiliation aspect that you seem to advocate for three reasons. The first is that I think it would be dangerous to go to the mall and take my husband's pants down and spank him. We'd probably be arrested. The second is that I think I would probably be as embarrassed as he would be if our friends knew about this aspect of our relationship. To me it's a private matter. Thirdly, I think he would cease cooperating with me if I violated his privacy in this way.
You say that humiliation is an important element in Domestic Discipline. DD seems to be working just fine for me without it. Is it really necessary?
If your relationship ain't broken, I'm not going to advise you to fix it. I will take this opportunity to more clearly state my position on humiliation.
Humiliation is a central part of his DD experience even in a relationship such as yours. He is embarrassed in front of you when he is being punished. The question in DD is not whether or not humiliation is a tool, the question is how far a wife can safely go in using it. I'll address each of your three objections separately.
1) I do not advocate giving your husband a bare-bottomed spanking at the mall (though the idea sounds fun to me). I do not feel like getting my husband or myself arrested. I have used public places, however, to punish my husband. One of the most effective is having him go shopping with me and making him stand in the corner of a store, facing the corner. As I shop I can glance over and see the back of his neck turning red as he feels the eyes of customers and employees on him. When a salesperson asks him if she can help him and he has to somehow explain himself, his embarrassment is exquisite.
A safe way of using embarrassment/humiliation is another Victorian practice known as petticoating. Simply put, this involves requiring a male to wear feminine or ridiculous clothing. One subtle petticoating practice I use is to make my husband wear only pantyhose under his pants without socks or underwear. He is aware that it is possible for others to see his ankles if he sits in a certain way. This, along with the unusual feeling of the pantyhose around his hips keeps his thoughts centered on me and keeps his behavior in check.
Less subtle and more effective punitive practices involve making him wear clearly feminine or ridiculous outer garments such a dress. Just take him out to a discount clothing store or even a Salvation Army or Goodwill store and buy a couple of silly looking dresses and an apron or two that fit him. He can be made to wear them around the house when the two of you are alone or, for more serious offenses, when you have female company over to see him in his state of embarrassment. When extreme humiliation punishment is required, he can be made to wear a dress in a public place, such as a mall. This provides excruciating embarrassment without concerns about indecency.
That is, primarily, the kind of public humiliation I use. I may pull him by the ear in public to remind him of his manners or give his tush a playful spank in public, but I do not expose him in unseemly or illegal ways in public. I do put him in precarious positions for the fun of it. Once while on vacation I made him earn his orgasm by locking him out of our cabin without his clothes and telling him he would not be let in until he was wet. That meant he had to sneak a couple hundred yards in the cover of darkness to the beach and skinny dip before getting back in. The risk was there, but it was minimal. Even if he would have been seen it wouldn't have been by children or the police or anyone that knew him.
2) About being embarrassed yourself if others knew of your DD relationship. Your privacy is important and you are right to protect it. I protect mine. As you may have guessed already, my name is not really Vivian. Until the day arrives that DD is understood and accepted for what it is I will stay "Vivian." At the same time I do work toward that day by informing people via this website and through my advice service and I have "evangelized" a couple of my close friends. I have also demonstrated, with my husband, some techniques and products at a kind of Tupperware Party for Domestic Discipline. But I did that out of my home state and under the pseudonym of Vivian.
Someday I hope DD will be more accepted. Until that day I agree that we practitioners need to be jealous of our privacy.
(End of “Vivian’s Domain” "homage" & reprint.—MR)
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
(Continuing archival republishing of sections of “Vivian’s Domain,” an FLR website originally hosted on Geocities.com. This installment concludes Vivian’s lengthy essay (addressed to wives) on the theory and practice of female-led marriage, “Toward a Fantastic Marriage.”—MR)
Enforcing His Chastity
There are a few ways to go about assuring he does not ejaculate without permission. Some women choose one of these ways and depend upon it solely. I prefer and advise using all three at different times. Variety is more effective because it keeps him guessing and can be more fun for you.
1. WARNING AND PUNISHMENT
This involves telling or reminding your husband that you are aware of his desire to end his habit of masturbating and warning him that you will not tolerate it. You forbid him to masturbate and warn him that you will punish him for doing so without your consent. It is a good idea to get him to agree that he will confess to you anytime he does masturbate to ejaculation. He must also know that he cannot get away with masturbating and that involves regular or random checking.
Get him to tell you where and when he usually masturbates. (As always, getting information and extracting promises are best done while you are stroking his penis, pausing your stroke when he is not as forthcoming as you would like.) For most men the daily shower is the most likely time [for masturbation] because it is the most opportune; they are alone and naked.
When you have discovered when he is most at risk, create a routine of checking. If it is the shower , for instance, get in the habit of having him present himself to you immediately after getting out of the shower. Either command him to present an erection or gently touch him to elicit one. If it has been 24 hours or more since his last ejaculation (and he has no medical problem), this process should take no longer than 15 to 30 seconds. If he is unable to produce an erection, schedule him for punishment.
If you punish him for nothing else, you must punish this behavior. In many relationships this is the only behavior that precipitates severe punishment. It is important that this be punished because his sexual dependence on you is the basis of your power over his other behaviors and the foundation for all of his other attitudinal and behavioral improvements.
It is also the easiest behavior to punish because it is the most shameful. All men feel shame around this aspect of their lives. Even if he resists or refuses punishment for all other behaviors, he will submit to it for this offense because he has no argument or defense of it. He does not want other people to know about it and you do not even have to threaten to tell anyone else for such a threat is inherent in your knowledge of it.
It is for this offense that punishment needs to escalate in severity and humiliation. Even after a year of this, my husband was still masturbating an average of 1 to 2 times per month (a vast improvement over the 2-3 times per week, but still unsatisfactory). Once I increased the humiliating aspect of punishment by executing it in front of one or two of my lady friends (see FAQs for more on this topic), his episodes of unauthorized masturbation decreased to once or twice a year.
2. Short-Term Chasity Device
Short term devices are those that cannot be worn for longer periods of time because they do not allow for toileting. They are less complicated than long-term devices. There are three primary uses I've found for short-term devices.
A) To prevent him from masturbating during high-risk times: My husband, for example, is at high risk for masturbating when he is in the shower and when he is in bed following sex without ejaculation. Usually I'll ice his testicles to calm him down, but at times he has still waited until I was asleep and rubbed himself on the bed to ejaculation. That's a major "No-No" in my house! A short-term device can be used to prevent that from happening. When you strap his penis into one of these, he'll be able to have an erection, but cannot be stimulated to ejaculation.
B) To keep his penis out of the way during “strap-on” intercourse: I've done a pretty good job of training my husband to have intercourse with me without ejaculating. It is still risky, however. Despite the fact that I punish him for having unauthorized ejaculations during intercourse, he still loses control of himself at times. I enjoy having intercourse with him knowing that he is really making an effort to restrain his orgasm until he has my permission to release, but sometimes I want the intercourse without the risk. At those times I put him into a short-term device and then have him strap on a dildo. The device gets his penis out of the way while still allowing him enough stimulation to keep him passionate.
C) To assure that he treats me well in public: I've noticed that there are certain social situations in which my husband tends to forget his devotion to me and his manners. Especially at certain family gatherings he can become downright disrespectful. This problem has diminished significantly since we initiated Domestic Discipline, but his irritable ego still raises its ugly head at times. The principle here is similar to “Donna's Salute,” which you can read about in the Comments section of this site. If I notice any hint of disrespectful behavior from him in a social setting, I pull him aside to talk with him for a moment alone. We go to a place of privacy (preferably a room with a door). There I quietly but firmly reprimand him for his behavior and have him take down his pants. I take the device from my purse, have him put it on and I lock it in place. I prefer a "northbound belt" (one that positions his penis upward) because it allows for and encourages an erection, which becomes his constant reminder of his need for and devotion to me. Sometimes I'll just put it on him before we go out to avoid the problem altogether. One disadvantage for him is that he cannot urinate into a toilet with this on. This can be an advantage for you in that he has to ask your permission to urinate, further encouraging his obedience and respect. There are a number of these devices available. The following are a few of my favorites… [Vivian’s specific product recommendations omitted here because cited websites and pricing are no longer current.—MR]
3. Long-Term Chastity Device
Long-term devices can be worn for days, weeks, or even months at a time (so long as they are removed at regular intervals for short periods of time to allow for hygiene and inspection). The use of such a device produces amazing, incredible, and fantastic results. Mere words cannot express the state of near perfection in my husband produced by long-term chastity. We had been into Domestic Discipline for over a year before I used such a device. I had begun to believe that my husband’s behavior was as close to perfect as one can attain on this earth. Long-term chastity brought his behavior to a higher level altogether.
The magic of a long-term device is that it not only prevents ejaculation, it prevents him from even stimulating himself. Even when you have his ejaculations under control, most men will still touch themselves in order to give themselves some pleasure. These devices will not allow that, and therefore dramatically increase his sexual dependence on you. I have only used such a device three times in the past couple of years, but that is all I've had to. His compliance and behavioral improvements multiply exponentially with the use of long-term chastity.
Although the site I am about to recommend does not adhere to many of the moral principles I believe in, it does a fabulous job of explaining the nature of long-term chastity and ejaculation denial and gives some good specific instructions. Check out Mistress Lori. Lori knows men better than 99.9% of women and does a wonderful job of explaining how to use chastity.
Here are some tips on the use of long-term chastity that may make more sense after you have read more on the subject.
A) He should never know the exact length of time of his confinement. It is a good idea to let him know a minimum sentence either as you are applying the device or when you are threatening to apply it. It is best, however, to let him know you will decide when the device comes off based on his behaviors. Let him know the basics, such as tasks that need to be accomplished, the attitude he needs to maintain, and the types and general amounts of pleasure he is to give you. But it is best to keep him guessing about when you will fully free him from the device and allow him an orgasm. You want to maintain your freedom to act on your whims and arbitrary feelings.
B) If you are going to use this device for a period of time greater than a week (I recommend at least one week each time), you will need to remove it occasionally for inspection and hygiene and to offer some reward and encouragement. If you think he'll have difficulty cooperating with its reapplication, bind his hands before removing the device. When you remove it, check for abrasions or skin breakdown and apply a healing balm and readjust the device if necessary.
The wonderful thing about such a device is that you can give him a reward without losing any influence over his behaviors like the influence you lose temporarily when you allow him an orgasm. After having this device in place for only a few days, the simplest and softest touch of his penis will feel powerfully satisfying for him. Tease him a little during this time, as if you may actually allow him release. Then deny him, ice him back down to a state that will allow the reapplication of the device, and reapply it. You won't believe the effect this has on him.
C) Some women I've read on the subject advocate never allowing their man an orgasm or allowing orgasm at very long intervals such as every 6 months or every year. I believe the longest you should have any man go without ejaculation is two months. You do not want him to become hopeless about having an orgasm. If you've read my section, “The Gift of Hope,” you'll understand this. You want to make orgasm difficult for him to achieve, but not impossible. In my opinion, that would defeat the whole purpose.
The following are some sites that offer good long-term chastity devices:
www.chastytube.com – This is the best I've seen and the one I use. It is secure and relatively inexpensive.
You may want to start with something less expensive. You may build one at home (or better yet, have your husband build one) for less at www.tpe.com/~altarboy.
For a concise visual education about the benefits of using long-term chastity on your man, check out the three comic strips at http://www.janthor.com/cbc3.html, http://www.janthor.com/cbc4.html and http://www.janthor.com/cbc5.html. Look at them in that order.
The Agreement and Periodic Review Meeting
Domestic Discipline is a consensual understanding that is all about LOVE. Exercising power over your husband is your gift to him. Your power over him is your husband's gift to you. As mentioned in “How Will I Know?” it is best to have a conversation about Domestic Discipline before initiating it. That agreement should make it clear that you have total authority regarding his discipline and domestic behaviors. He must know that it is you, not him, who decides everything! Otherwise, he is not truly submissive and this will not work. Your agreement may be verbal or written. There are a couple safeguards, however, that you will want to give your husband: The Safe Phrase and the Periodic Review Meeting.
The Safe Phrase: This is your husband's way of knowing that he can get out of any scene at any time if he has been taken too far past his limits. It is important to have a safe phrase for a few reasons:
1) It assures you that the situation is always consensual.
2) It assures him that he can stop any situation that he feels may damage him either physically or psychologically.
3) It allows you to push his limits further than you would without the security of knowing he can stop you.
It is important that you do push and stretch his limits. If you didn't, you wouldn't really be in charge. You must take him beyond his comfort zone. It wouldn't be effective otherwise. You must do so without feeling mean or bad about it. The safe phrase assures you that you have not overstepped your bounds. He may not like what you are doing to him (in fact he should really dislike it) but he should be able to bear it physically and psychologically.
He should know, however, that he cannot use the safe phrase indiscriminately. For instance, he cannot use it to stop a punishment that is merely uncomfortable or painful for him and then have "the game" resume. It's not like that! Punishments are supposed to be uncomfortable and painful. He needs to know that his use of the safe phrase puts an end to the domestic discipline part of your relationship for a certain period of time (I suggest three months) during which the arrangement is re-evaluated. During that evaluation time you simply live as you did before you began Domestic Discipline.
Believe it or not, this arrangement will assure that he does not use the safe phrase unless it is absolutely necessary. Once he experiences the benefits of Domestic Discipline, he will not want to lose them.
My husband has never used his safe phrase because I understand the outer parameters of his limits. We've come close, though. It is generally not pain or discomfort that will trigger a safe phrase. It is extreme humiliation that runs the higher risk. Humiliation is, however, a powerful tool that must be in your tool kit. All punishment is humiliating at first. He will feel humiliated in front of you any time he is punished. But the threat of humiliation in front of others is powerful.
Generally speaking, you'll want to stay away from embarrassing him in front of his family or close friends or anyone with whom he works. You do not want to endanger his ability to make a living. It is best not to humiliate him in front of another male. Heterosexual men tend to see other men as competitors. Thus any punishment in front of a male is likely to backfire and trigger aggression in your husband instead of submission. If his aggression is triggered he will not cooperate with you and you have lost your position of power.
When I humiliate my husband in front of someone else, I like it to be someone he may see from time to time because that increases his embarrassment and thus the effectiveness of the punishment, but not someone who has a real impact on his life. It is risky to let family members in on this aspect of your relationship (and as I've said before, you don't want to reveal this to anyone on his side of the family and especially not your own children if you have any), but if you can trust another woman in your family not to tell others about this aspect of your marriage, she can be a powerful ally.
A few months ago I punished my husband in front of one of my sisters. He says that was the most difficult punishment he's ever endured for me. He told me he almost used his safe phrase when he realized what was about to happen, but he decided to trust me. My sister loved it! She said she hadn't laughed so hard in years. She reminds me frequently that she's available whenever I need her help to make Patrick's punishment a little more effective. At family functions his behavior is even more ideal because my sister's presence is a constant reminder. He blushes almost every time he sees her and she enjoys that tremendously.
When you introduce that kind of humiliation to a punishment, your husband should see it coming in time to use his safe phrase before something unbearable has begun. For example, when punishing your husband in front of someone he has not been punished in front of before, don't surprise him by introducing the person in the middle of the punishment when your husband is already in a compromising position. The person should be present from the beginning of the punishment process so your husband has the opportunity to use his safe phrase before something "unbearable" has occurred.
The point of all this is that I would have never entertained the notion of punishing him in front of someone else if I did not know that he could protect himself with his safe phrase. And that has been one of the most effective tools I have used. I am not a cruel person, and I love my husband more each day. I practice Domestic Discipline not only because it enhances my life, but because it enhances his as well. I do not want to cause true or lasting harm to him and the safe phrase assures me that I will not. I do, however, want to stretch his boundaries because if I do not, I am not really in control—he is. That is why the safe phrase does not only stop a “scene,” but ends Domestic Discipline for a period of time. That is enough time for a re-evaluation, and enough time to make him think hard before using his safe phrase.
The agreement should also include his statement of cooperation and some language regarding the behaviors you will punish and the results you expect from this arrangement. It also should give you the option of ending the Domestic Discipline aspect of your relationship at any time. If you find his behavior deteriorating rather than improving with Domestic Discipline, you might suspect that you are encouraging a fetish rather than a true devotion to you and your marriage. That would signal a re-evaluation of the arrangement. You can make this agreement as general or as specific as you wish, but it needs to include a commitment from him to cooperate with you on your terms. The DWC Lifestyle Kit from The Disciplinary Wives Club contains information and sample forms if you think you need that kind of assistance.
The Periodic Review Meeting
Once every couple of months, the two of you should get together to review the Domestic Discipline aspect of your relationship. This could be during a nice dinner out or an evening at home. The two of you are equals at this meeting as you review the results of Domestic Discipline. You are both equally free to share your thoughts and feelings and explore ways to enhance your relationship. Expectations can be reviewed and revised. At this meeting each party freely decides whether or not to continue with Domestic Discipline. For him it is a kind of “Speak now or forever (at least for the next couple of months) hold your peace.” General or specific changes can be made to the arrangement. The meeting results in either a re-commitment by both parties or a decision not to continue Domestic Discipline. Neither decision need be permanent and can be re-evaluated again in the future.
(End Part Six. The final installment of this reprint-homage to Vivian’s Domain “ concludes her essay, “Toward a Fantastic Marriage: How and Why Domestic Discipline Works,” and gives her answers to 7 Frequently Asked Questions. —MR)
Monday, April 12, 2010
(Continuing archival republishing of sections of “Vivian’s Domain,” an FLR website originally hosted on Geocities.com. This installment continues Vivian’s formidable essay (addressed specifically to wives) on the theory and practice of female-led marriage, “Toward a Fantastic Marriage.”—MR)
American women have found it necessary to discipline their husbands since the days of the pioneers. Men are easily tempted. A good, sound spanking helps them focus their energies on the right things.
Oh, dear! This is interesting!
Now that you understand the underlying principles of Domestic Discipline and the ways it helps you, your husband, and your marriage, let's get to the fun part: the specific things you can and should do to him.
When I say fun, I mean it! This should be great fun for you, and you should indulge yourself in the rush of power you feel as you take control of your husband's submissive side. This is important because if you don't allow yourself to experience the pleasure of all this, you are cheating yourself for no reason.
As women we are taught to avoid looking as if we want or enjoy power. Women who use power are often portrayed as “bitches” in the media. Women fear being labeled “bossy.” This is the time to throw off those chains and let that inner “bitch” come through. Indulge that desire to control things. There's no reason not to. Your husband needs a wife who can be very “bossy” when she needs to be. As your husband sees that you enjoy your newfound control, he will be more turned on by you and will be more uncertain as to the lengths you will go to enforce your dominance. That is exactly what you want!
The Milieu of Domestic Discipline
The atmosphere you create on that wonderful day or night when you initiate him into his new submissive role is important. You need to be sure that your privacy is secure for at least a few hours. If you have kids, arrange for them to be somewhere else or arrange for the two of you to get away from home to a private place. It is nice for this to happen at home so you can have a few chores for him to do later. You will have already determined that your husband is willing to submit. For more on that subject, see the “How will I know?” section of this site.
Tell your husband ahead of time, and with a serious tone, that you need to have an important talk with him and that you have set this time aside for that purpose. You will have determined the behaviors for which you are going to chastise him and the rules you are going to impose. Depending upon the time of day and what only you know about your husband's body, you may want to have him take a shower before you begin. You don't want your enjoyment of this experience to be diminished by an offensive body odor.
As you begin the lecture phase, take his face in your hand and hold him by the chin and cheeks. Look directly in his eyes. Insist that he look at you. This gesture sets the tone by establishing your dominance. Once you have gained his attention this way, begin the lecture. During this phase it is best to maintain the tone of an old-fashioned scolding, the kind our grandmothers and great-grandmothers really knew how to dish out.
Gestures that should be used generously during the lecture phase are the index finger pointed at his face and the hands-on-hips posture. It is best if you are able to look down on him as you scold him. If your husband is taller than you are, command him to get on his knees for the lecture. That way you are well above him, either standing or sitting in a normal chair. You should address him as you would like to address a bratty child. Your facial expression, tone of voice and language should be scathing.
If it is not in your nature to talk this way, think of it as role-play. That is what it really is anyway. It is fun sometimes to step outside of your everyday personality. If there is a part of you that resonates with the severity of the old-fashioned schoolmarm type, let it out and enjoy your ability to express that part of yourself freely.
It is here that you list his offenses. List them directly to him and make him acknowledge each one and express his remorse. Tell him that you think he needs to be punished for these behaviors and take his face in your hand again and ask him if he agrees. He will!
Start with a minor punishment. This may be something that relates well to his offenses, such as a mouth-soaping for behaviors that involve what goes into or comes out of his mouth, such as bad language, temper tantrums, overeating, smoking, or abuse of alcohol. Or make him write an apologetic statement 100 times or more with paper and pen for offenses that involve poor manners or disrespect toward you.
Be creative. He will probably comply without much rebellion, but you'll want to make it clear that any resistance during this phase of the punishment will only “make it worse” for him later.
Next it is time for the main event—The Spanking. You can read “My Story” for a description of the milieu I created for my husband's first spanking or, better yet, you can visit The Disciplinary Wives Club and go to the section “Tips and Methods.” This is a must-visit site that is also found on my “Links” page [not available in this reprint]. At DWC Tips and Methods you will find information about milieu, attitude, implements and other information relating specifically to the punishment/spanking aspect of Domestic Discipline. I repeat: This is a must-visit site.
As you spank your husband, your tone of voice can change a little. As your actions become more harsh, your tone of voice can become softer and more understanding. Your husband will, at some point, beg you to stop spanking him. This point will help you determine how long to continue the spanking. If the offense for which he is being punished is relatively mild, consider the point at which he has begun to beg in earnest as the 3/4 mark. (It is a good idea to keep count of your strokes. You can count in your head, count out loud, or have him count out loud.)
If his behavior has been moderately reprehensible, let the point of earnest begging signal your halfway point. If his behavior has been really bad, let the point of earnest begging mark your 1/4 point. He will struggle during the spanking, but if you make even modest efforts to restrain him and keep him over your lap, he will not get up until you have permitted him. Even though he may be physically stronger than you, if the tone is set properly he will be in a submissive frame of mind and will not use his full strength to get away. When I am truly disciplining my husband I don't like to end the spanking until he is actually crying. That's when I know I've really reached him, that the lesson has hit home. It also fosters a beautiful intimacy between us. Men do no openly cry in front of others often. When his punishment makes him cry, it completes his vulnerability with me.
The most enjoyable part of the disciplinary session for many women is the period immediately following the spanking. At this point he is as submissive as a lapdog. He is often crying, is begging you for your forgiveness, and is usually on his knees. Now is the time you can be gentle with him. You can accept his apologies tenderly and reinforce the lessons he's learned with a softer tone of voice. We all have our own vocabulary for this time of forgiveness just as we all have our own way of administering a scolding. I find that asking him if he has learned his lesson, what he has learned, and extracting promises regarding future behaviors are good ways to start the reconciliation phase of correction. Remind him that it was his behavior that got him into this situation and that you do not punish unless he deserves it. Warn him that you will not hesitate to punish him again when his behavior warrant it.
After you have accepted his apology, he may think the scene is over. It is good to add a little to the punishment to let him know that while he has won your forgiveness, he has not gained any power. There are a number of things you can do now. Have him stand in the corner for a while. He is not to move and definitely not to touch his buttocks during corner time. He will want to use his hands to cool his buttocks. You'll want to forbid that. If he does it once, give him a warning. If he does it again, give him a slap across his buttocks. At this point, your bare hand can give an excruciating sting.
Instead of corner time, you can give him chores to do if you are at home. You can either keep him naked for the chores or let him wear an apron or something else that is open in the back. You don't want any soothing cloth against the skin of his butt at this time. Whether he is doing corner time or chores, you'll want to maintain visual access to him to be sure that he is not trying to cool his butt. You can sit somewhere with your cup of tea or glass of wine and read or watch TV or whatever, so long as you can give him an occasional glance and he knows that you can see him.
The Great Part
Now that the punishment is over, it is time that he give you some attention. He should verbalize his awareness of and gratitude for the attention you have just given him. Thanking you should be required of him. Thanking you for correcting him serves two important purposes. It reminds him that he is lucky to have a wife who does this for him and it reminds you that you have just been kind to him. Many women find it difficult to punish someone they love in this way. We are trained to be kind and gentle to those we love. We don't want to feel mean or unloving. His statement of thanks reminds you that you have just done him a favor rather than a disservice. After having given him all this attention, it is your turn to have attention given you.
At this point he will want to give you affection. Not only will he be attracted to you sexually because of the power you have just shown him, he will be intensely experiencing the submissive need to please you. He will want to shower you with affection from both a sexual need and a purely emotional need. He will be more responsive to your every desire now than he ever has been. So do with this time what you want.
You may want to spend some time just relaxing; having him serve you with food or beverage, rubbing your back, neck or feet while you read or watch TV or listen to music. Later you may want sex; sex that pleases you! His desire for you at this time will not be the mere desire for sexual release that it normally is. His will be a pure desire to please you without so much concern about satisfying himself. This is why you'll hear so many disciplinary wives praising the quality of sex after punishment. We receive back tenfold the attention we have just given our husbands. In “normal” marital relations we receive back about one-third.
Another advantage of the severe spanking that I failed to mention earlier is that it causes him to accept less severe punishments from you at other times. For instance, if he is using foul language around the house or has failed to complete an assigned chore in a timely fashion, you can simply take him aside for a quiet scolding and a mild punishment such as mouth-soaping, statement-writing or corner time. He will comply because he knows if he does not, a more severe punishment may follow.
For more information regarding punishments and instruments, please visit The Disciplinary Wives Club. Although I do not think it necessary for the beginner to purchase punishment implements because household items such as a hairbrush, belt or even a slipper will do just fine, if you want to buy a more specialized implement such as a paddle or cane, I encourage you to buy it from this site. It has been a wonderful resource for me and so far the only site I've found on the web that is devoted to Domestic Discipline and well-grounded in moral principle. They also have an instructional kit available with tips for both the disciplinary wife and the submitting hubby. All of the information you will need to get started is available for free at their website.
(Next installment: Conclusion of “Toward A Fantastic Marriage: How and Why Domestic Discipline Works.”)
Monday, April 5, 2010
(Continuing archival republishing of sections of “Vivian’s Domain,” an FLR website originally hosted on Geocities.com. This installment features the first-half of Vivian’s length, provocative and highly intelligent essay, “Toward a Fantastic Marriage.” In fact, I would not hesitate to call this an essential document in the Female-Led movement. Although subtitled “How and Why Domestic Discipline Works,” the essay makes the case for FLR (of whatever variation) about as forcefully and persuasively as anything I’ve ever seen, including my own attempts. The concluding half of the 10,000 word essay will appear in the next installment.—MR)
Toward A Fantastic Marriage: How and Why Domestic Discipline Works
Do you remember how your husband treated you when you were first dating? Was he more thoughtful then? Did he look forward to being with you? Didn't he try to please and impress you? If you've been married for any length of time you'll probably find that the man you married is a bit (or a lot) different from the man you're married to. Let’s talk about the reasons for that difference.
When your husband first became interested in you, he was unsure of the extent to which you were interested in him. He wanted you and he wanted you to want him. He looked to signals that you were interested. He thought about every word you said, every facial expression and every subtle inflection of your voice. He paid attention! And when he was not with you, he analyzed all these things looking for clues, clues to help him understand how to “win you over” and clues as to how he was faring in his pursuit of you. He thought about you!
You may not have noticed it at the time because you were too busy trying to win him over, looking for clues yourself. Odds are that the more difficult you made it for him to win you over, the better he treated you and the harder he tried to please and impress you.
One of the differences between men and women is their romantic/sexual attention span. A woman, generally, is focused on keeping the partner she has won. A man is wired differently. Once he has won his prize or achieved his goal, he is prone to look toward the next conquest. So, as a woman begins to nurture the relationship, the man begins to neglect it. This is why women so often become bitter or disillusioned in marriage. Her efforts at nurturing her marriage and pleasing her husband only serve to reinforce his sense that the chase is over. He becomes complacent. He expects more and gives less.
Even if in his true heart he loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you, on another level he became bored with you the moment he realized he “had” you. This is one of the reasons men are more likely to be unfaithful in marriage. Even for those men who are not technically unfaithful, this dynamic causes a sense of dissatisfaction and restlessness that often leads to other undesirable behaviors such as gambling, pornography, drug and alcohol abuse, workaholism, get rich-quick schemes, an overindulgence in fantasies about other women and simple irritability. All of those things deprive you, your marriage and your family of your husband’s active involvement and attention.
BEAUTY AND POWER
These are the things that pull his strings. A key component of every man's sexuality is awe. When he sees a beautiful woman's face or an attractive figure he is drawn almost against his will. The power that beauty has to take his attention is not lost on him. He is awestruck and overcome by that power. Have you ever noticed how men behave toward a beautiful woman? They fall all over themselves to please her in some way. Even when there is no way such behavior will result in a sexual experience, men become the willing servants of beauty.
Think about it. Your husband's in a traffic jam. He's mad. Somebody tries to cut in ahead of him. He curses and revs his engine and inches up to be sure the other car doesn't get an inch ahead of him. Another car comes into view and wants to cut ahead of him. A pretty face peeks out and waves a delicate hand. What does your husband do? If he's anything like mine, the same man that cursed and screamed at the car before suddenly becomes gracious. He smiles and nods and lets the lady pass. In this situation he may have his wife and kids in the car and be travelling through a place he will never be again. So there's no chance he thinks he'll ever see that woman again. Still, the instinct kicks in. There is power he cannot resist, and he is amazed at his own helplessness. He is in awe of those who can elicit that helplessness. And the most important thing I've found is that a man is most helpful to a woman when she makes him feel helpless.
POWER AND BEAUTY
The preceding observation is obvious to most women. We feel it far too often. We see our husbands looking at other women as if they were goddesses and looking at us as if we were mere functionaries, striving to be helpful to women they hardly know and ignoring the needs of the woman who dedicates herself to him and his family. Sometimes we become angry and resentful of our husbands, knowing that it is simply not right that he looks at other women with the passion that rightfully belongs to us. Sometimes we get down on ourselves, feeling unattractive and taken for granted and cheated out of his affection.
Although there are some exceptions (women who are so beautiful and remain so beautiful that they can inspire their husbands with that beauty even after years of marriage), for most women, even attractive ones, it is not possible after years of cohabitation and child bearing to become beautiful enough to inspire the kind of awe that will motivate her husband. So, what can a woman do?
She can understand this: Not only is there power in beauty, there is beauty in power! The “take my breath away” kind of awe that a man feels when he sees a stunningly beautiful woman is similar to the feelings he had as a young adolescent toward women of power in his life—teachers, neighborhood moms, and strict women in general.
In order to make your husband a better man and a better spouse, you need to make him eager to win your approval and fearful of earning your disapproval. You must exert the kind of power that grabs his attention, makes you beautiful to him and takes his breath away. You must make him adore you again!
Making him adore and respect you is a lot easier than you think
1. THE MORAL ADVANTAGES: Going Back to the Days When Men Respected Women
These should be quite obvious and require no explanation, but to some they are not so obvious. Many of the women I have “talked with” online do not see these advantages and even have concerns that Domestic Discipline is immoral. What I have found through those conversations is that such an attitude is usually the result of an erroneous understanding of power. In these women I have found an underlying belief that power is bad, that to want power is worse, and that to actually exercise power is evil. It has been ingrained in these women that they are not worthy of power.
My message is that power is all over the place and cannot be avoided. If you do not exercise power, someone or something else will. It is not only your privilege to exercise power but a moral duty as well.
Domestic Discipline is a wonderful way to re-energize a stagnant sex life in a marriage. If that were its only purpose it would be worthwhile, but it does not stop there. Domestic Discipline secures a marriage on moral ground. Even Freud recognized this when he wrote that “A marriage is not secure until the wife takes a maternal view of her husband.”
For some women this is a difficult concept to accept because we tend to confuse morality with convention. In America today discipline of any kind has become unconventional, but the tide is turning. We are starting to appreciate again the benefits of traditional discipline and the value of submitting to authority in our lives.
While most women understand their own need to submit to authority, they do not understand how important it is for their husbands to do so as well, and the difficulty they have submitting to an authority that is not tangible. If we look at the history of the church in Western civilization, we find that most of the truly steadfast submission to God and church has been practiced by women. Men have sought to make church an opportunity to gain and exercise power rather than to submit to it. Maybe it's easier to submit to a God of the opposite gender, that a quality of ‘otherness” is necessary to truly submit to another, or that there is an element of sexuality even in our spirituality.
We do not hear Domestic Discipline spoken of publicly by society's moral standard-bearers, and we certainly don't hear about it in most churches. It is practiced, however, in many more homes than you would think. Except for the few select friends with whom I have shared the disciplinary aspect of my marriage, no one has any idea that my husband and I are practicing this. Others do envy my marriage, the devotion my husband displays toward me and the ease with which we get along. I hear such comments with some regularity. Those who make those comments sometimes ask me for my “secret.” I usually just smile and tell them how lucky I am to be married to such a good man. And I am. The honesty and vulnerability my husband shows by accepting my authority are gifts that most men are afraid to give their wives. He truly is a good man, and he gets better all the time because I see to it that he does.
I have strayed a bit from the purpose of this section. The following are some of the moral advantages of Domestic Discipline:
A husband who is more faithful to the marriage in heart, mind and body
Safe, supportive and fun ways to release anger and tension in a marriage
Motivation for a husband to continually improve himself (“He who stops being better stops being good.”—Oliver Cromwell)
Increased vulnerability and intimacy in the marriage
The moral authority in a marriage in is the hands of the partner with the greater tendency toward traditional morality.*
Stronger marital bonding
The power struggles that can arise in a marriage and cause great problems are replaced with the peaceful acceptance of authority
(* Throughout this site, as I promote women as dominant partners in Domestic Discipline, I rely upon generalities. In some marriages it is the woman who has more difficulty with self-discipline and the man who needs to take the dominate role. There are sites devoted to male dominant/female submissive relationships and I encourage those interested in such a relationship to access them through my Links page. )
THE GIFT OF HOPE
I know you better than you know yourself. And I know what's best for you.
Many of the concerns I have heard from women for the past two years as I have been promoting Domestic Discipline is that its techniques may be demeaning to him, hurt his self-esteem, cause him to be resentful of me, encourage immaturity in him, etc. On the face of it, it seems a difficult argument to make that punishing, humiliating, and controlling a man's genital functioning will result in greater self-esteem and psychological health, but it is true.
A good place to begin is with an understanding of consensual Dominant/submissive sexual relationships (AKA D/s). As I've said, Domestic Discipline is not S&M, but it is informed by the S&M and D/s communities. In true D/s relationships it is understood that while one partner takes a superior/dominant role and the other an inferior/submissive role, neither party is truly inferior. In fact, it has been observed frequently that those who are prone to taking submissive roles are actually of extremely high intelligence and, in daily life, are commonly in positions of power and responsibility in the business and professional world. Accepting a submissive role is good therapy for one who must accept a lot of responsibility in other areas of life.
This is the model of understanding we use in Domestic Discipline. The model many women erroneously think of when considering Domestic Discipline is one of domestic abuse that we most often see men perpetrating against women. Those relationships are characterized by a man who has superior physical strength, and often superior financial strength, and is using that strength to dominate a woman in ways she does not want. The submissive partner in this scenario is forced into her role rather than agreeing to and accepting it. The submissive partner in a domestic abuse scenario does not have an ability to escape that role without leaving the relationship.
Domestic Discipline is quite different. By giving the physically (and often financially) weaker partner the dominant role, we assure that the relationship is not abusive, but loving. This kind of agreement is sometimes referred to in the S&M world as “consensual non-consent.” This is discussed in more detail in The Specifics, but every marriage that uses Domestic Discipline should have a “safe phrase.” This is a word or phrase the husband can use to end a disciplinary measure when the wife has taken him too far beyond his boundaries. Such a devise is not available to people in abusive relationships.
While we as dominant wives understand that we are superior in many ways (as I mention on the home page of this site), our husbands have many gifts and are superior in other ways. Men are generally better at competing than women are. They seem to have a proclivity for overt competition. That is why they are often better at making money. This is not to say that women are not making great strides in this area and that some women are not better at competing and making money than some men are. It is simply to point out that men are goal-oriented and wired to compete.
This male orientation toward goal achievement and competition is generally a good thing, but it can cause problems in a marriage. When directed outward toward the world with the objective of securing resources for the family, the man's need to compete, achieve goals and win is adaptive and helpful for the family. But what often happens is that the man does not see himself winning in his competition in the world and turns that competitive drive toward his wife. This is a terrible thing for a marriage. The wife who simply wants to be appreciated by her husband, not to compete with him, finds herself competing with him because he has initiated that dynamic, and it seems the only way for her to make him understand that he should appreciate her. This can be the death knell of a marriage.
Domestic Discipline squashes this dynamic immediately. There is no competition in the marriage because it is understood who rules. Just as when your husband first fell hopelessly in love with you, he understands that he has been vanquished. This understanding is reinforced with every disciplinary session and every time he has a sexual thought and is reminded that you control his sexuality.
This drive to compete and succeed is adaptive in many ways, but it can also lead a man to despair. Especially around mid-life when most men find that they have not achieved and may not be able to achieve the lofty, sometimes unspoken, goals they have set for themselves. The world seems a much tougher place to succeed in at 35 or 40 than it did at 18 or 25. The hope a man had of “making his mark” in the world turns into despair as he ages and sees his chances of achieving his grandiose dreams fading.
This is often the psychological dynamic at mid-life. Throughout most of his adult life he has been motivated by dreams formed at adolescence of being a rock star, a famous leader, an entrepreneurial phenomenon, top gun, universally adored hero, etc. At mid-life he sees the reality that he'll be lucky, if he works real hard and is very careful, to avoid being a dismal failure.
How does something as simple as Domestic Discipline help such a deep-seated despair? In two ways.
The first way is giving him something attainable to hope for—an orgasm. As I mention in My Story, men masturbate more often then we imagine they do. They have an erection and the first chance they get, whether they are alone or with us, they relieve their sexual tension with ejaculation. Most men do not have the self-discipline to refrain from doing so.
And most are unaware of the psychological and physical benefits of such restraint. Most modern popular sex therapists propagate the notion that relief of sexual tension is always a healthy thing. I agree that for the man who is not in a committed relationship, especially one who is young and flooded with testosterone and prone to sexual aggression, it is much better to masturbate than to act out sexual aggression in other ways. For the married man past his twenties, however, ejaculatory restraint works wonders to help him acquire extra energy and HOPE.
When a man is denied an orgasm for a period of time, the desire to have an orgasm becomes stronger. The longer gratification of sexual release is deferred, the more central it becomes as a goal to be accomplished. And unlike many of the goals middle-aged men set for themselves, this one is achievable.
He comes home from work thinking, "Maybe tonight?" He comforts himself when things are not going well with the thought that soon he may have an orgasm. The events of almost every day in the life of a middle-aged man offer proof that the ambitions he had for himself in youth will probably not come to fruition. That is why despair is so common in these men. Despair is the most destructive feeling a person can feel. It is worse than physical pain or humiliation. In any recipe for happiness, hope is the only universally necessary ingredient.
You may wonder why a man cannot simply deny himself an orgasm on his own. Why does he need your involvement and direction in the matter? While there are men who possess the self discipline for this (eastern celibates and accomplished Tantric practitioners), most men need help. For most men there is simply no point in this kind of restraint if it is self-directed. There is no fun in it either. While it is intensely erotic for a man to be intentionally denied an orgasm by a woman, self-directed denial feels pointless and the furthest thing from erotic.
That is why it is extremely important that the denial of orgasm be intentional. Some of the women I know who have come to realize the wonderful effects of sexual frustration on their men still fail to take overt control over it. They have a hard time saying no in general and in particular have a difficult time denying their husbands anything. So they make up excuses for why an orgasm is not possible at a given time such as, “I'm too tired” or “There's not enough time.” This is a mistake.
If a man feels that the reason he is being denied ejaculation is one of circumstance, he will simply masturbate and may resent his wife for being disinterested or neglectful. If, on the other hand, he has been brought to excitement and denied release intentionally and feels it is important to his wife that he not ejaculate, the experience is powerfully erotic for him and supports his commitment to self-restraint. When you deny him an orgasm, it is best to look directly into his eyes and tell him "No." Doing this provides him the psychological orgasm I have previously mentioned and intensifies his devotion to you.
Even if the real reason is that you are too tired or some other circumstance, tell him he may not have an orgasm for some other reason such as, “I don't think you've earned one yet” or “The time has not yet come” or even the arbitrary, “I don't feel like letting you have one yet.” This lets him know that you are in control of this, not mere circumstance.
Being so direct about denial is difficult for many women. Especially for those wives who enjoy pleasing their husbands and especially after he has already gone awhile without ejaculation and has been so wonderfully sweet to you that you want to show him your appreciation. You must remember that denial actually does make him happier. You may also want to simply indulge yourself in the feeling of power this gives you. When you take pleasure in this power, it is better for you and him. It is your power in the situation that makes it most erotic for him. Building up his passion until he is begging for release and firmly denying him can be a lot of fun for both of you.
Doing this also reinforces his feeling that ejaculation is an important goal. It is only by making this goal difficult to achieve that gives it the power to comfort him. If he can achieve sexual release any time he wants, there is little anticipation of it. The built-up anticipation leads to a hope that can overshadow many disappointments and prevent a generalized despair.
One word of caution. There are women who enjoy his atttiide so much when he is chastened that they make him wait so long that he begins to think he will never have his orgasm. These are the women who keep long-term chastity devices and methods in place for months or years. While it seems there are men who derive some benefit from this, most will not. This will eventually have a negative effect as ejaculation becomes another unattainable goal. I recommend parameters of no shorter than a week and no longer than a month or maybe two months for extreme discipline.
Along with the gift of hope is another psychological benefityou’re your husband in all this. One that also benefits you because of its effect on his behavior. This benefit has to do with his adaptation to the sexual frustration you cause him. It is known in psychology that an important determinate of depression is one's level of frustration tolerance. People with a low tolerance of frustration are more prone to depression. A higher tolerance for frustration is a psychological strength that helps prevent depression. The more sexual frustration you make him tolerate, the more he learns to cope with frustration and the calmer and psychologically stronger he becomes. This makes him a happier person and a more enjoyable person for you to share your life with.
The second way Domestic Discipline engenders hope has to do with its punishment aspect. Most men believe they are not fulfilling their potential and they are mostly right about this. If they acted as their best selves want to act, they would not only be better husbands but more successful in other areas as well. So, you can do your husband a great favor by offering discipline not only in matters important to you, but in order to support his own goals as well. Most men need external motivation to achieve their goals. So, ask him about his goals for self-improvement and, if they are acceptable to you, include them among behaviors that provoke discipline or earn reward. By using Domestic Discipline in this manner you are giving him a gift he cannot give to himself. He will be grateful to you and feel more hope in himself.
You should remember to apply discipline with the same fervor for his failure to live up to his own standards as you do when he fails to live up to yours. Aside from giving him hope, this also makes you a more constant presence in his mind and increases his devotion to you.
All of this may sound silly to many women. To a certain extent it is. What is wrong with a little silliness, though, especially when its rewards are so great?
(End Part One. Next installment: Conclusion of “ Toward A Fantastic Marriage: How and Why Domestic Discipline Works.”)