The mainstreaming of the concept of female-led relationships is an exciting thing to watch, and also to chronicle, especially for us self-appointed cheerleaders of the movement. FLR and WLM (wife-led marriages) blogs are proliferating daily and assertive women are in media ascendancy everywhere you look.
A major contribution to this mainstreaming is a new FLR website, entitled, simply, Female Led Relationships. Go take a plunge, and if you don’t come back to finish this blog, that’s fine. I’m especially delighted by its persuasive feminine slant. To quote the developers:
"This site is about Female Led Relationships, women leading the men they love, building a better relationship. [It] was basically written by 4 women and 1 man. By Jan 2011 thousands have participated in the project. Participation is open but monitored. We are and cater to intelligent people who want intelligent direction and answers. The content was written from a middle aged woman's perspective for women to read. Men readers can use this as a resource for their mates and are welcome to participate.”
A wonderful resource indeed, I think, perfect for introducing a wife or girlfriend to the benefits of female-led relationships. Again, to quote: “We want to provide a refreshingly open and thorough website covering the topic of FLR without all the distasteful distractions. This site exists without porn… We only show images depicting women as positive and capable leaders whose families benefit from men serving in a positive way.”
One of the site’s sub-pages discusses what they call the “5 Food Groups” of FLRs, which they list as:
1. Finances
2. Free Time
3. Household Chores
4. Life Direction
5. Sex
These are areas of a relationship in which couples can profitably experiment by expanding the area of female control, from 50/50 to total. The site discusses the advantages to a woman (and, ultimately, to her spouse) in gradually ratcheting up the amount of control she exercises in each of these areas.
I particularly enjoyed this list, because it is practical and woman-focused, in a well-organized, slick-magazinish sort of way (and I mean that in a complimentary way). The “5 Food Groups” also reminded me of the subtitle of my book, Worshipping Your Wife: Six Steps for Turning Marriage Back Into Passionate Courtship.
My Six Steps are addressed to husbands and boyfriends desirous of initiating a female-led relationship, even if they have to start on the sly. To quote myself, the guy needs to:
1. Realize that "the thrill is gone" and that he wants to get it back.
2. Save his sex energies for his wife.
3. Make her his fantasy.
4. Court her every day, attempt to win her anew.
5. Pamper her and pitch in around the house.
6. Dare to be known by her.
Sometimes I call it Wife Worship, sometimes Perpetual Courtship. My inspiration for both was Fumika Misato’s brilliant formulation of the Courtship Marriage. (Her website, Real Women Don’t Do Housework, like the new Female Led Relationships site, is definitely supercharged with estrogen.)
But whichever steps are followed, the romantic endgame is the same. The point of Passionate Courtship is that it is led and guided by the woman, with the ardent male suitor at her beck and call. Perpetuated and sanctified, it becomes a Female Led Relationship or a Wife-Led Marriage.
And it’s the coming thing.
13 comments:
I have only just discovered this blog but it has instilled in me both a realisation that a WLM is what I seek and a hope that this may be achievable (on the sly). Heartfelt thanks
Thank you for the wonderful post. Not only do you provide a new resource, you go above and add quotes from the site authors and allow them to provide the direction themselves.
Thank you for the link. It looks like a great site.
Thank you for this website. It is helping me to understand a wife led marriage, and my husband.
Don introduced me to FLR over a year ago. But I have no desire to be in control; I have a hard time making decisions and always look to him to lead. When he started trying to leave decision making to me it was a disaster. I wanted him to do it. Finally he started asking me some options, he knew generally what I like so he always asked if I wanted A - B - sometimes C and he always went with what I liked. It works pretty good.
We have been married for 20+ years, still have 1 daughter in high school. I have always been a STAH mom, worked part time for short periods. So I have always done the house chores. He started helping me with the dishes at night, then offered with other chores. This has always been my job and didn't want him to come home from work and do chores, it didn't seem right, but I started to let him. I will admit, I never loved the mundane chores around the house, and never did a great job of keeping it clean. I have always been a "messy". I started to enjoy the job he did cleaning and let him since he did a better job. At first when he didn't do the cleaning, I would take over, and then he would feel guilty for breaking his promise and start again. After a few times of this I would just tell him to get started. I surprised myself that it felt really good to be obeyed by my husband.
I have always felt that I procrastinated too much and I was lazy in getting chores done around the house. He used to agree with me (too much). He now says I am not "lazy", but as his wife I have a deep need to be pampered by him, and have the freedom to do, or not do, as I please.
I appreciate all the comments, a couple of which I forwarded to the editors of the new AboutFLR website.
As for cliveskink, good luck and godspeed on your mission of stealth submission. May I humbly suggest you look at a couple of past postings on this site on the subject, with I think some useful advice:
"Walking the Walk," Jan. 19, 2009
"Falling in Love Again," Oct. 9, 2009
Julie-
Thank you for your post, which I thoroughly enjoyed, and which I shared with my wife, who still has these same kinds of reservations about being catered to, pampered, obeyed, etc. You might also want to look at the guest post here on Sept. 21, 2010, by “Beckie Sue,” “Wife Worship & Female Superiority, Part 1,” which describes her personal journey from FLR skeptic to convert. Her point of departure seems very much like yours. I quote a few passages:
“Being worshiped is not something I, nor any normal female, would want or desire. It is a male fantasy… I have a wonderful husband and marriage. He is not what I would consider submissive. He has always been the head of our home. We made joint decisions, but he was my protector. I was a stay-at-home-mom for many years. I did all the chores around the home… He told me a couple of times he just enjoyed worshiping me and wanted to continue to court me like when we dated. I loved his devotion, but WORSHIP ME? I was not better than he, I was his equal. I was not worthy of his worship…”
Julie, it sounds great with you and your husband. If he doesn't think you are lazy, but instead he thinks you deserve to pampered and allowed freedom for yourself, go with that. You felt guilty about procrastinating when he should have been doing the housework. Never think of yourself as lazy, your husband's job is to serve you; not the other way around.
Yes it really does feel good to be obeyed by your husband. The first need of every wife I have talked to is she wants total obedience from her husband. After that, everything else starts to fall into place. Enjoy being worshiped, you deserve it after 20+ years.
Thank you, Beckiesue, it's always a treat to have your comments!
Mark,
I always thought your six steps to a wife led marriage exemplify the best of what a relationship should be, from a man's perspective, and is what initially attracted me to your site. I still think they are beautiful.
However, what has now morphed into FLR/female supremacy, is a perversion of those principles. I always took your six principles with the assumption that the relationship was a two way street. Evidently, that is not so.
A couple of the ladies here talked about the issue of laziness and guilt on the wife's part. I think those feelings are properly placed. I would feel very lazy and guilty if I used and took advantage of someone's kindness.
For Julie, I would say enjoy your husband's help and pampering acts, but I think you are right in feeling that it should not be the totality of your relationship.
I think it's human nature to act, to do for ourselves and others when appropriate, and we must abide by that nature in order to feel competent. According to Dr. Nathaniel Branden, extreme passivity is a manifestation and also a cause of poor self esteem. How could it not be, if our nature is to act?
So, I think your feelings of laziness and wanting to do more are natural under the circumstances, and you would feel a lot better if you reciprocated the things your husband does for you.
Of course, it feels great to be respected, appreciated and listened to. I do understand the appeal of having a worshipful subject at your feet, and in the short term it might be a fun and even meaningful play activity.
But the sense of entitlement brought on by female supremacist thinking actually cheapens the experience, doesn't it? He's not doing it because he loves you but because he must - just because you're a woman? I think so.
That's why I find this female supremacist line to be incompatible with my original interpretation of what you call Wife Worship, Mark, and may I add, very distasteful.
I'm sorry if I got a bit off topic but the comments sparked some thoughts that weren't brought up in the original article.
-Patrick
Patrick, ouch, you're like my conscience, throwing my own words at me when I wander off my own reservations. Can't I get away with anything?
Patrick;
I can understand why you believe when you say I should reciprocate for what my husband does. I believe I do, I offer my husband the privilege to worship me.
For those who have never experienced being worshiped by your husband, there is no way for you to understand, and I can except the criticism. But in any marriage where both are equal, there will be a lot of stress as neither are getting their needs met. In a household when the husband leads and the wife submits, neither are truly happy. She feels required to please him and forfeits her freedom and desires, while his natural need for obedience to her is unmet.
What we now have in our home feels natural. What I felt as "lazy" is a wifes desire to be worshiped.
Julie, thank you for that eloquent explanation. When I allow or encourage discussions that introduce ideas of female superiority, I think I am still well within the beautiful ideas of wife worship, and that a husband's wholehearted compliance in obeying and serving his wife remain in the area of consensuality, not comopulsion, as Patrick seems to think. Beckie Sue's husband, for instance, seems to have been the prime mover and instigator for the power shift in their marriage and I daresay would not change the regime that has resulted even slightly in his favor. He delights in serving his wife, and acknowledging what feels to him like her superior status, with all his might and mind. Or so it seems to me from what she has written.
Julie,
If what you do works for you and your husband, go to it. My comment wasn't so much a criticism of your particular situation, as it was just my philosophical musings about why you might feel lazy and guilty. Evidently, you no longer feel that way so I won't say anything else regarding that.
I wouldn't criticize a couple's choice but when it comes to the ideology of female supremacy, that is simply an idea and therefore, open to debate. If you read the female superiority parts 1 and 2 from last year you will see my thoughts on that so I won't rehash them here.
However, somethings you said piqued my curiosity:
"But in any marriage where both are equal, there will be a lot of stress as neither are getting their needs met."
What do you base that on? That's a common line touted by female supremacists as well as lifestyle kinksters, in order to justify their desires. Not that I believe kink needs justification, I just find it an odd thing to say, and I wonder if you can offer any evidence to support your claim.
"In a household when the husband leads and the wife submits, neither are truly happy. She feels required to please him and forfeits her freedom and desires, while his natural need for obedience to her is unmet."
The men and women over at the Taken In Hand site would disagree. The submissive women there are especially adamant about male domination being the "natural way" and say they couldn't live any other way.
Again, I'm not challenging your lifestyle, but I am challenging your assertion that men have a natural need for obedience and that female led relationships are happier. Again, I'd ask you to cite your evidence.
If anyone can prove these statements, I will retract my comments.
Mark, I don't think it is a compulsion to obey your wife. I don't object to female domination. As I have already stated, I simply don't accept the paradigm that female dominance is the "natural way" or that female superiority is a fact of life. I think female domination and female superiority are two entirely different things, the latter being a compulsion.
Lastly, I hope I'm not being too much of a pain in the butt, but I just like to debate ideas and I think it's a healthy thing to do.
-Patrick
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