Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Proud to Serve


I hope my readers have been having, and are continuing to have, restful and rewarding holiday times. Okay, I just wrote “restful” because it’s alliterative, but what could I be thinking? “Hectic but happy” is more like it for most of us.

I haven’t had time to post, or do much else, with all the last-minute shopping and returning and light-stringing (we go nuts) and cruising for the last &%$#! mall parking place. But I’d better post something before you all wander off—especially since the blog counter not long ago rolled over to 200,000 page views.

So here are a few words about what “john,” a female-worshipping blog colleague, calls “submissive pride.” As he succinctly puts it:

“Men who are submissive—and proud of it—should be free to identify themselves as such and not worry about what others think. I’m a strong secure submissive man who thinks bowing to the authority and command of a strong dominant woman makes sense and is the right choice for me.”

The first time I encountered a husband openly boasting of his devoted and submissive service to his wife was about ten years ago, on Lady Misato’s original Wife Worship husbands’ forum. The mainstay of that forum, Au876, wrote often of how proud he was to cater to his wife’s wishes, even in front of others, as in this example:

“We went to visit some of my wife's girlfriends at a lake cabin a couple of years ago. We had to take our own sheets and etc. One of the first things I did after getting the car unloaded was to make up our bed and put her clothes away. Later we were all sitting around talking. My wife asked me ‘Have you made up my bed yet?’ One of the ladies started to laugh like that was a stupid thing to expect of a man. But I quickly responded telling her yes and I had hung up all of clothes too…
“My wife was real proud of me. The lady who laughed made some sort of comment about what a good husband I was, and my wife responded saying something like, ‘He knows what is expected of him.’
“I was not embarrassed. I was proud of myself. I had done what I was supposed to do. The fact my wife asked me was a sure sign she did not intend to keep my status a secret from them. The fact I had already done it was a sure sign to her I was not ashamed of my status… Even when others notice, I am proud to treat my wife as my Queen.”

Has the social stigma of appearing henpecked and pussy-whipped lessened any over the past decade? Maybe not. But certainly more and more guys in the FLR lifestyle are speaking out proudly, like this:

“I used to be ashamed or would hide it. If I was ironing, I would act like it wasn't me ironing. The same with laundry or cleaning. I've since grown up and said ‘you know what, I should be proud of helping out’ and I've stopped worrying about what others think. I beam with pride when someone makes a comment about how great my wife is treated. “

“Some people may look at our lifestyle and say we are henpecked. As for myself, I'm proud to serve and please my wife. I also think it’s great to have a sense of humor about these things…”

“I felt really good doing the housework. I felt happy knowing how pleased my wife would be, and I felt kind of proud of myself for being so productive.”

Here, from the Spouseclub Archives, is a young guy bursting with pride over his upcoming marriage to “a very high-powered partner in a large law firm.” She proposed to him, natch, and he still sounds giddy about being swept up in her orbit and at his impending role as her devoted househubby:

“I am so proud of her and her accomplishments and I would do anything to make sure that her needs are taken care of and that our lives run smoothly… I read in a post here about the husband taking the wife’s name… I would be so proud to have her name.”

A female Spousechatter strongly seconds that idea: “Today a man who takes his wife's name can do so with pride and respect for his wife's status and accomplishments.”

For all these guys, accepting and openly acknowledging their innately submissive side constitutes an “out-of-closet” experience, a first step toward psychological liberation that needs and deserves to be encouraged.

“You were probably born with the trait of submissiveness,” writes the female webmaster at Caring Domination to a submissive male seeking her advice. “You want to please others. That's good. You probably submit to a higher moral code, which is very good… Be proud of your submissiveness. You are a caring person who could make a wonderful husband.”

For a few men, “submissive pride” seems to come naturally. An example is this guy, who brags about being raised in a strongly matriarchal home: “I am proud to say that I have been Female Led my entire life. My Mother (a strong beautiful woman) made sure I respected women and understood a woman's powers and that I was accepting of female leadership.”

But for most men to accept their own submissiveness is not an easy step, and to “out” themselves proudly before others is harder still. Often it takes the strong, helping hand of a Loving Female Authoritarian to facilitate this important psychological rite of passage. Understandably. As Kathy, who writes the Femdom 101 blog, explains. “Many of the submissive men who blog, or email to me feel ashamed of their status,” she writes.

“A woman needs to learn to build up her man,” she advises, “to praise him for things he does good, to encourage him to be a better servant.”

She praises one of her female commenters for doing exactly this: “It sounds like Bella is perfect at this. Her husband still has an ego, but the source of his male pride has been changed. A quick little comment from Bella about what a good servant her husband is, and he beams with pride. It is especially pleasing since she made the remark in front of female friends. Bella's husband may be a slave, but she still managed to put him on a pedestal.”

Kathy’s observation about changing the source of a male’s pride by praising him in front of “female friends” for being “a good servant” is the precise tactic recommended in a recent article on the DreamLover Labs site by Kathrin Cohen.

The article is humorously couched in psychological jargon, titled “Identity Reframing: Pride and Shame as Powerful Means of Behavior Control.” But the author loses no time in getting down to brass tacks. “Make him proud to serve,” Ms. Cohen tells her female readers, “make it clear to your male that his submission is bettering him and is something to be proud of”:
“It goes without saying that, given the many beneficial effects, you should aim at letting everyone know about your male's obedience. Create a formidable reputation which he will be afraid of ruining by being rude or uppity. Present him as the most helpful, well mannered man you have ever met.
“As the male learns to fight to preserve his reputation as the ‘most obedient,’ ‘most attentive’ husband, or the ‘boyfriend who never ever talks back to you,’ something important will happen. The male will begin to associate his sense of pride to the quality of his service, which is key to long-lasting obedience.”


Ms. Cohen concludes her article: “You are sending a clear message to your male's subconscious that: serving females is good; everyone thinks so; you love him for it; people expect it of him; he's good at it; so he should be very proud of it.”

Think no guy would allow himself to be so nakedly manipulated by women for their own ends? You’d be wrong. Here’s one guy, for instance, who takes the manipulative bait, hook, line and sinker: “My willingness to obey and do any chore [for my girlfriend, her sister and daughter] to increase their time together relaxing, has earned me the title of being well trained, which I love to hear. Just a few words of encouragement from these superior females and I feel rewarded and refreshed.”

Ms. Barbara, who moderates a provocative FLR group on Yahoo!, is another enthusiastic proponent of Identity Reframing—transforming male submissive shame into male submissive pride. As she writes:

“I want [my husband] to be proud to be a trained pussy eater and worshipper. Pride and submissiveness are no contradiction. He manages to make me happy and I think that he's got a right to be proud of that. That is the kind of pride every man should strive for, i.e., making a woman happy, first and foremost, before his own satisfaction and pleasure.”

A wife wishing to show off her man’s dutiful status, as Ms. Cohen recommends, but lacking a female confidante may urge hubby to reveal his submissiveness online, as in this note to Elise Sutton:

“Ms Sutton, my wife is thrilled with the changes in our marriage. She is proud of what she has accomplished and she wanted me to share our story.” One suspects this husband shares his wife’s pride in his accomplishments and has bought into the new self-image she has helped to shape.

But is it really that simple? By acting proud of her devoted male, even bragging about him to her girlfriends, can a clever wife really transform her man’s embarrassment and shame to submissive pride, and a resolve to be even more devoted to her service?

The answer seems to be yes. The oft-quoted Au876 swells with pride whenever his wife “brags on him” to her girlfriends. For him there is no greater reward. “I am proud to be known to do her bidding,” he states flatly. “There is no dishonor in making the bed, cleaning the house, shopping for groceries, cooking the meals, washing the clothes. That is the way a husband should be.” Likewise, on the Spouseclub Archives, Charles (aka Mr. Lisa), confides to Ms. Lynda that every day one of his main motivations is to do everything he can to “make Lisa proud of me.”

“I want my wife to be proud of me in my service and devotion to her,” echoes another worshipful husband.

But what of the wife? Is bragging about a submissive husband merely a clever manipulative tactic to “reframe his identity”? Can a wife truly be proud of a husband who grovels before her on a daily basis, seeking only to do her bidding?

The answer, again according to Mistress Kathy, is emphatically yes.

Women often ask her how she can be proud of her husband, when his status in the marriage and the household is so drastically reduced. The answer, she asserts, “is that I am proud of him for all the sacrifices he makes for me. I am proud of him for living his life according to my rules and priorities. This is not easy for a man, but he does a wonderful job of it… He may not be a man's man in the John Wayne tradition, but he is every bit a man.”

Or, as Au876 once put it, he is every bit “her man.”

Seen in this light, the groveling husband becomes his wife’s loyal and loving knight, bending his knee to signal his devoted service. This aspect of male submission service as romantic gallantry is also touched on by Kathrin Cohen in her semi-playful article on “Identity Reframing”: “Though concepts of chivalry are by some considered obsolete, they still resonate strongly with most males.”

“Men are capable of tremendous service and sacrifice when we are truly committed to a goal,” wrote an anonymous and extremely articulate wife-worshipper years ago. “We are most content when we have a great adventure before us. We have that cause at the feet of our Goddesses. To lift them to their rightful roles as the divine inspiration to our otherwise sad and empty lives. To give our bodies, our minds and our lives to serve and defend these brave, beautiful, nurturing, challenging, life-giving, playful, wondrous women. With their guidance, our lives once again become real and connected to the natural world.”

Amen, brother!

20 comments:

Anonymous said...

I have a Query...??
I am postin it here....

In this wife led relationship , whom should drive the car/bike...??

a boyfriend/husband or a girlfriend/wife...

Thanks & Regards
My Girlfriend Worshipper

Mark Remond said...

Anonymous, the short answer is "depends..." on whether your girlfriend wants to drive or be driven, and may vary from trip to trip. My wife, like many vanilla wives, will often say, "Would you like to drive?" Sometimes, though, I like her to be in the literal as well as the figurative driver's seat. It is, after all, HER car. Both our cars are hers. Now when you say bike, do you mean motorcycle? I envision you now behind her on the saddle, clinging to her waist as she accelerates... romantic!

Anonymous said...

Thanks Mark for your reply.. Yeah by bike i mean a motorcycle and these days she is learning to drive and i sit behind her holding her from waist tightly which is pretty romantic and turns me on.After she learns it completely she ll took over the charge as she likes to be in control of everythin herself and is not happy the way i drives.

Anonymous said...

In case of car also she wants to drive always and dont like anyone else to be behind the wheels.

Anonymous said...

I loved this post.

It really resonates with what women want, and I'm sure that if more guys took that sort of approach, femdom would proliferate crazily. Your wife is a lucky woman.

As for driving, I'd agree that it's all a matter of preference. My boyfriend and I drive separately most of the time anyway, like most working couples. So, for me, it's actually quite a treat to be the passenger when we go out... especially around this time of year. ;)

Anonymous said...

Thanks for your compliment.. Yeah if more guys think that way this relation ll definitely flourish.. Yeah usually we do drive separately to our offices but after marriage she has decided that she ll drop and pick me herself to the office so that i can be under her control this way and have to wait for her go according her way.. This would definitely bring some different sort of pleasure as it is different from normal way...

Anonymous said...

Your blog keeps getting better and better! Your older articles are not as good as newer ones you have a lot more creativity and originality now keep it up!

Mark Remond said...

Thanks to the preceding Anonymous posting about the postings getting better. I hope so, since I'm keenly aware that they are also getting more seldom. It is just hard to carve out the time, as much as I love doing this. But knowing there are appreciative readers does motivate me.

VJ said...

As usual, really nice post from you Mark. Thank you for this. Yes, few years back, I was hiding one thing from my friends that I would love to serve my wife when I will get married. Now many of my close friends know, that I am going to be a very obedient, caring, henpecked husband. When they tease me about this, I never feel any embarrassment, rather I feel nice.
We 'wife worshipers' know very well that our happiness lies in serving our wives. Those who do not know this heavenly happiness, how unlucky they are? For my wife, I will be a cleaner, a cook, laundry man, a very obedient houseboy at her feet 24/7/366...

WORSHIP HER said...

As VJ said in the above post, we guys who practice wife worship are the luckiest guys. My wife's friends all have seen how well she is treated and they have asked her how she does it. She has told them straight out that we have a WLM and that I am totally obedient to her and must please her any way she tells me to. Plus, she told them, I must do things to please her every day without being told. Her friends now know that I do all of the housework, laundry, most ironing and much of our cooking. Since my wife is a better cook than me, she will do the main meals, but I will always clean up everything afterwards. And she has told them the best way to have a successful WLM, restricting my orgasms to no more than once a month, and add weeks for bad behavior. Masturbation is strictly not allowed! I know her friends have taken her advice and 2 of them now have a WLM with their husbands. A few others have husbands who have resisted this, too bad for them. Mark, thanks for this very well put together blog. It is the best of ALL of them, my wife and I do read every one. And yes, they were always good, but they do seem to be getting better. Better topics.

runpb said...

Can you imagine how challenging it could become trying to regularly write new and fresh material about a topic that essentially does not really change. I'd like to encourage all the readers who have not read Mr. Redmon's book to purchase and read it. Then you can read it to your wives!
Build a date night around THAT concept!

BOB said...

MR Remond
Great post!
It reminded me of the many guys who do all of the housework and wait on their wife hand and foot and are not the least bit ashamed of it[and why should they be].

As i have said in earlier comments i am always puzzeled by guys who want to lead a WLM lifestyle but are scared that poeple will find it strange.

I myself am not married but when i have dinner at a woman's house i usually clean up afterwards and do the dishes. I do this no matter whether the relationship between me and the woman is platonic or not.I have yet to find someone who thought that a man doing dishes is strange.

Thank you MR Remond for writing about public displays of "wife worshipping".

And as regards to your amount of posting i would say this.Qaulity counts more than qaunity!While i always look forward to a new post from you, i do so because they are well written .

If you wish to write posts more often , by all means feel free to do so.But you should not feel the need to be apoligetic about the frequency of your posts.

Your posts are always appreciated.

Mark Remond said...

Thanks again to all the commenters, various anons, BOB, runpb, WORSHIP HER, VJ. It's a noble endeavor in which we are all engaged, doubt it not!

Anonymous said...

Hi Mark,

I'm hoping you can answer my question. I downloaded your book so I could read it first and decide if it is the one I want to share with my wife. I like it alot.

In the book, you talk about how women can get their husbands to read this stuff. I would presume it is mostly men introducing this to their wives, usually finding out that they are surprised and bewildered at what the husband is proposing. Do you have a sense of how often it is the woman introducing this concept, versus the man doing it?

I like the approach and how it is not so kinky because the odds of success must be greater that way, but I'm still needing to convince myself to take that step and share this with my wife.

Anyway, if you've got any thoughts I'd be happy to hear them.

Very nice book and well written.

BOB said...

MR Remond
I do want to thank you for posting two of my favorite photos .The 3rd from the top one in which an apron clad man takes his wife's shoes off as she looks contently on.

And the second photo from the bottom in which a woman gleefully pins her boyfriend/husband's hands over his head.

Both of the photos show affection and love. But they also both stress female dominance.

As always, i love the artwork that you choose!

diogenes said...

[To lift them to their rightful roles as the divine inspiration to our otherwise sad and empty lives.]

--this is where a lot of people go wrong in this matter. It is quite misandric (man hating) to claim that men somehow, NEED, inspiration from dommes to do great things. And to claim that men have "sad and empty lives" without these women, is very wrong and demeaning. A man does not have an otherwise "sad and empty life" if a domme is not with him and he is single. I find this as a man to be quite demeaning and intentionally degrading to men. Men have self-worth and don't REQUIRE a domme to end their "sad and empty" lives.

Mark Remond said...

Diogenes, Fair comments and I accept some of your points. Let me just say that the quote you refer to, I think, makes it quite clear that men are, and have been and always will be, inspired to do great things not by "doomes" but by women, or, as the quote embellished, by "these brave, beautiful, nurturing, challenging, life-giving, playful, wondrous women." That is another thing altogether. And those are the qualities, among others, that I celebrate in this blog and that we worshipful husbands celebrate and venerate in our female-led relationships and wife-led marriages.

Mark Remond said...

Anonymous, in regard to offering advice re sharing my book with your wife… difficult question, which is why I didn’t respond right away.

The easier question, I think, is my “sense of how often it is the woman introducing this concept versus the man doing it.” My sense is that it is almost always the man. Lady Misato’s Real Women Don’t Do Housework website does have letters and quotes from wives and girlfriends who took the initiative, and you can find similar stories on the Around My Finger blogsite and in letters to Elise Sutton.

But, again, my sense is that overwhelmingly it is the guy who blurts out this deep dark secret with his fingers crossed and his heart hammering.

I can’t just say go ahead. My first attempt at this was met with wholesale rejection. (I used selected excerpts from Lady Misato.) I know of another case quite similar where the wife dismissed the whole thing.

In both cases, mine and this other one, what prevailed was a long and consistent campaign of “stealth submission.” Emily and Ken Addison, co-authors of the Around Her Finger book and blog, are downright skeptical of any extended “stealth submission,” believing it unsustainable. At some point, and in their case sooner than later, the would-be submitter needs to confess or confide to his wife or SO what is behind all this dutiful service and secure her agreement to take the leadership reins.

Well, there are ways to go about this, some more effective than others, but all depending on the man and, more importantly, the woman. Put yourself in her place, is the advice. For more extensive discussion of this prickly and persistent issue, I might suggest you read the following postings on my blog (they’re not all together, so you might have to Google them):

Keep On Taking Those Baby Steps
Maniac vs. Dilettante
Walking the Walk
Falling in Love Again

Good luck! And don’t be hasty. Think it through. And, meanwhile, start treating her like a queen, but subtly. As I quoted somewhere:

O Snail, climb Mount Fuji…
But slowly, slowly

Mark Remond said...

Correction to comment to Diogenese: Please makes that "dommes" not "doomes"!

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