Thursday, March 5, 2009
Big ‘O’ Overrated?
The “Big O” for a lot of guys of a certain age instantly conjures up basketball legend Oscar Robertson, once widely considered the game’s greatest all-around player. That was, of course, way before the advent of Dr. J, Bird, Magic, MJ, Kobie, Le Bron, et al.
Was Oscar overrated? No way. He really was that great.
But that’s not the “Big O” under re-evaluation here. I’m talking about the male orgasm. Not knocking it, heaven forfend, but matched up against the female orgasm, the “Bigger O,” does ours really deserve top spot on the awards podium?
Let’s not delve too deeply into point-by-point matchups—frequency, degree of intensity, duration, etc. You can look all that up. The consensus seems pretty clear: Guys come in a distant second on the Bliss-O-Meter in all these comparisons, big-time.
Unless—and here’s my point—we opt to go with the female flow… hang on for dear life… and surf along on the breaking crest of our partner’s orgasmic tsunami (sorry, I’m getting really carried away)… till it finally subsides… way the hell up the beach.
In other words, make her ecstasy your ecstasy. To the extent that we even forget (at least temporarily) about our own. To the extent that we are truly fulfilled by being a part of her powerful, all-encompassing completion.
I don’t want to give myself too much credit here, but I’ve always pretty much felt this way, from the moment I vicariously experienced my first female orgasm. It was a revelation, a redefinition of “peak experience.” The notion that I had been involved in, or a facilitator of, anything so rapturousy cataclysmic made me feel like a superhero.
Still does. That’s what I daydream about when I think of sex—hers, not mine.
And those early formative experiences came during an era when the ideal of ultimate hetero-sex was the simultaneous climax—after, of course, a long interlocking gallup. It acquired near-mythic status in popular culture, starting with Papa Hemingway (For Whom the Bell Tolls: "Come now, now, for there is no now but now. Yes, now. Now, please now....") and his legion of schlocky imitators to all those erotic cinematic climax-montages dissolving into the shared, post-coital cigarette.
Not knocking it again, but, like the de rigueur vaginal climax, this kind of seismic togetherness doesn’t happen as often in real life as in books and movies.
These days sexual synchronicity is being replaced by another paradigm, which is neatly encapsulated in the title of one popular book,
She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman by Ian Kerner.
Wife-worshippers along with advocates of Wife-Led Marriages and Female-Led Relationships take this prescription a bit farther. Like, for instance, She comes first… and second… maybe even third.
And what about her partner in passion? He is admonished to be patient, be a good boy, and wait for her to give him the green light.
Is this a good thing? A lot of men say that it is. I joined that chorus myself in my book, especially Chapter 4, “A Playful Step Beyond”: “…[it] extends and intensifies the husband’s pleasure, saving him from a quick release followed by an even quicker loss of desire—climax and anti-climax.”
“Save yourself for her direction,” I quote a happy husband as advising another chap. “Your satisfaction will be intensified.”
And here is complementary advice from a woman whose husband has now learned to worship her as his queen: “[The woman] should never feel that denying her male orgasm for long periods of time is overly cruel. In fact, rather than cruelty, long-term orgasm denial is a gift she provides her male. When the male achieves orgasm it is accompanied by a release of all sexual tension. As being in a state of sexual tension is so blissful, the male orgasm is always to one extent or another a disappointment.”
This hubby definitely concurs: “People ask me how I can go so long without sex. They don't get that my wife and I are having sex pretty much 24/7, we just go a long time between orgasms. Making my Goddess have orgasms is one of the greatest feelings in the world for me. God, I love my life!”
And one final hurrah for the Female O: “I pleasured my queen this a.m. and without a word she just fell asleep when she was done. It makes me feel great to experience her orgasm, and then to see her relax that much and to know that I've contributed to it by not making demands on her for my pleasure.”