Thursday, March 5, 2009

Big ‘O’ Overrated?

The “Big O” for a lot of guys of a certain age instantly conjures up basketball legend Oscar Robertson, once widely considered the game’s greatest all-around player. That was, of course, way before the advent of Dr. J, Bird, Magic, MJ, Kobie, Le Bron, et al.

Was Oscar overrated? No way. He really was that great.

But that’s not the “Big O” under re-evaluation here. I’m talking about the male orgasm. Not knocking it, heaven forfend, but matched up against the female orgasm, the “Bigger O,” does ours really deserve top spot on the awards podium?

Let’s not delve too deeply into point-by-point matchups—frequency, degree of intensity, duration, etc. You can look all that up. The consensus seems pretty clear: Guys come in a distant second on the Bliss-O-Meter in all these comparisons, big-time.

Unless—and here’s my point—we opt to go with the female flow… hang on for dear life… and surf along on the breaking crest of our partner’s orgasmic tsunami (sorry, I’m getting really carried away)… till it finally subsides… way the hell up the beach.

In other words, make her ecstasy your ecstasy. To the extent that we even forget (at least temporarily) about our own. To the extent that we are truly fulfilled by being a part of her powerful, all-encompassing completion.

I don’t want to give myself too much credit here, but I’ve always pretty much felt this way, from the moment I vicariously experienced my first female orgasm. It was a revelation, a redefinition of “peak experience.” The notion that I had been involved in, or a facilitator of, anything so rapturousy cataclysmic made me feel like a superhero.

Still does. That’s what I daydream about when I think of sex—hers, not mine.

And those early formative experiences came during an era when the ideal of ultimate hetero-sex was the simultaneous climax—after, of course, a long interlocking gallup. It acquired near-mythic status in popular culture, starting with Papa Hemingway (For Whom the Bell Tolls: "Come now, now, for there is no now but now. Yes, now. Now, please now....") and his legion of schlocky imitators to all those erotic cinematic climax-montages dissolving into the shared, post-coital cigarette.

Not knocking it again, but, like the de rigueur vaginal climax, this kind of seismic togetherness doesn’t happen as often in real life as in books and movies.

These days sexual synchronicity is being replaced by another paradigm, which is neatly encapsulated in the title of one popular book,
She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman by Ian Kerner.

Wife-worshippers along with advocates of Wife-Led Marriages and Female-Led Relationships take this prescription a bit farther. Like, for instance, She comes first… and second… maybe even third.

And what about her partner in passion? He is admonished to be patient, be a good boy, and wait for her to give him the green light.

Is this a good thing? A lot of men say that it is. I joined that chorus myself in my book, especially Chapter 4, “A Playful Step Beyond”: “…[it] extends and intensifies the husband’s pleasure, saving him from a quick release followed by an even quicker loss of desire—climax and anti-climax.”

“Save yourself for her direction,” I quote a happy husband as advising another chap. “Your satisfaction will be intensified.”

And here is complementary advice from a woman whose husband has now learned to worship her as his queen: “[The woman] should never feel that denying her male orgasm for long periods of time is overly cruel. In fact, rather than cruelty, long-term orgasm denial is a gift she provides her male. When the male achieves orgasm it is accompanied by a release of all sexual tension. As being in a state of sexual tension is so blissful, the male orgasm is always to one extent or another a disappointment.”

This hubby definitely concurs: “People ask me how I can go so long without sex. They don't get that my wife and I are having sex pretty much 24/7, we just go a long time between orgasms. Making my Goddess have orgasms is one of the greatest feelings in the world for me. God, I love my life!”

And one final hurrah for the Female O: “I pleasured my queen this a.m. and without a word she just fell asleep when she was done. It makes me feel great to experience her orgasm, and then to see her relax that much and to know that I've contributed to it by not making demands on her for my pleasure.”


Anonymous said...

Very very true words. Thank you for this witness of the value of women's orgasms.

Mark Remond said...

Well, Anonymous, I'm happy to be among the cheering male multitude at the glories of the female orgasm. By the way, I just changed one descriptive adjective in the blog post, from "adorably cataclysmic" to "rapturously cataclysmic." I think it's more descriptive. "Adorable" sounded almost a wee bit patronizing.

Ms. Rayne said...

I agree with you. Sexual tension is delicious. I think the sensation makes men hyper aware.

Anonymous said...

The hornier the husband, the better the husband!!!!!I keep my husband very horny, for a month or more. Is he ever on good behavior. Oh yes, he does wear a chastity device for a little added protection, this was totally HIS idea. He is not allowed to ask out of it, complain about it, or ask for any release. These are my decisions. I do let him in me once a week, but only for anywhere from 6 to 10 strokes, then out. NO accidents will be tolerated, penalty for him is 6 months with no release. He always is out on time.

Pat Miller said...

Quite often in chastity discussion groups there is mention of controlling your man’s orgasms. I must say personally I have stopped using the term ‘orgasm’ equally for both male and female sexual experience, as I do not think they can be equated that easily. Let me explain my thoughts on this (at some length … sorry about that, but please bear with me )

Whatever it is that men and society has come to regard as a ‘male orgasm’, is very different from what women think of as ‘orgasm’. It is a much more (almost solely) physical reflex triggered by physical stimulation, leading to involuntary muscle contractions whose sole evolutionary aim is to pump as much sperm as far as possible up into a vagina. Rather than an emotional love based orgasm it is strictly speaking merely an insemination reflex. It has its uses if you want to conceive, but apart from that is does not do all that much for most couple relationships and it certainly has a very messy side to it.

I do not deny that it is pleasurable for the man, but the pleasure is a much more physical one to do with ejaculating stocked up semen. It lasts for a much shorter time and is far less intense than our female climax and for these qualitative reason alone it does in my mind not deserve the same term. A glass of water and a vitamin pill is just not the same a full candlelit dinner with violin accompaniment. In fact it is my view that it is the disappointing (even for relatively easily pleased men) weakness of male sexual pleasure, is what always leaves them unsatisfied and wanting more and better (sheer orgasm envy & greed), a route which leads many of them to ever more extreme sexual behaviour (something which only really strict chastity in a loving relationship can stop, in my opinion).

Even more important on a psychological relationship level, this male pleasure at ejaculation is also a much more selfish one. I sit not very often true that men after their ‘orgasm’ are much less devoted to their wives and thus their relationship commitments. That after all is really the most important reason to for the urgent need to keep them chaste in order to strengthen the couple relationship. Most women on the other hand feel confirmed in the love of their partner, their relationship and also much more loving to their partners after a good female orgasm.

So not only is the male so-called ‘orgasm’ a much weaker and emptier experience, its psychological outcome is entirely opposite to the female orgasm. For these reasons I propose that the term ‘orgasm’ is quite inappropriate for the male sexual climax. Terms such as release (in a psychological motivational context) or ejaculation (from a more physical viewpoint) could be used.

So in my view it is only the intense, mentally based, unselfish, relationship sustaining and thus very positive female experience of sexual pleasure that deserves to be called ORGASM. And it is only this positive orgasm that both partners should strive for in any sexual activity. To reinforce that fact I think, both male and female partners should refer to it not as ‘her’ or ‘my orgasm’ but ‘our orgasm’, as in: “Darling, how was our Orgasm?”; “Ahhh we really had a great orgasm, thank you …. ”; “My greatest pleasure in having sex is feeling you having our orgasm!” (etc. you get the idea. I know I am not a great writer of sex scenes so I shall stop here). Even though most or the experience takes place in the female, I get the feeling from discussion groups and from what my own husband tells me they really get great psychological pleasure from feeling their wives reach their orgasm. There are also some nice parallels to people speaking of ‘Our baby’ even though it is mainly the woman that experiences pregnancy and the man contributed very little at the beginning.. Still a baby is definitely a couple thing, like an orgasm, and not just ‘his sperm’ and ‘her baby’, they both worked for it in their own special way and they both equally share the enjoyment of it.

(Part 1)

Pat Miller said...

(Part 2)
In fact I believe that the only reason why the term orgasm is so commonly (and mistakenly) used for both experiences is the old myth that in ‘good’ sex they should occur at the same time. A destructive myth, as the much easier to achieve goal of the male climax tends to distract many couples and diverts almost all untrained men from the real goal of female (couple) orgasm. This could be a reason for the large number of women who are sexually unsatisfied by their men and thus live in empty purely physical and selfishly male dominated relationships.

Please do not think that what I am saying here is that the male sexual climax is unimportant.
Firstly, it is vital for the reproduction of the species, as it is still the cheapest and most fun way to get pregnant. ;-)
Also we should not underestimate the evolutionary need of the male for (t)his pleasure. It initially provides much of the male’s motivation for contributing to a relationship and is a vital part of making the chastity lifestyle work for you both. I think though that for motivational purposes it is mostly the imagined feelings upon sexual release which are on a man’s mind. But these seem often far better and more powerful than anything he can possibly feel when it actually happens. In my view it is this disappointment at this discrepancy that hits men every time they ejaculate, that leads to the aforementioned ‘wanting more and better “Orgasm” (a thing they will never really get near to), leading to ever more extreme sexual behaviour. The selfish nature of the actual male sexual release (also mentioned before) as opposed to the loving behaviour exhibited by males just dreaming of it, is another reason why I think that when it comes to male sexual climax, the disappointing and somewhat destructive actual event is to be avoided as much as possible. The pleasurable and positive myth on the other hand, is to be build up as much as possible by all means available (both physical and psychological teasing).

Still, the strong qualitative discrepancies between both forms of sexual climax, as well as their opposite psychological effects mean that only the female climax deserves the title of ‘orgasm’ and all the attention that goes with it.
I do not think it the male climax should ever be more than an occasional tip for very good behaviour, and men should never be able to take it for granted, let alone be misled into believing his climax to be anywhere near orgasmic or be anywhere near as important in the couple relationship.

So that is why I changed our language and our thoughts on that matter.


Mark Remond said...

Pat –
Bravo and hear, hear! I read your two-part Comment several times, and will be reading it again. It has been a mind-changing illumination – even though I thought I knew all this and had said it myself. But you have made it much more clear. The master stroke, I think, is your decision that the term “orgasm” should really not be applied to the male “release” or “ejaculation” or whatever, for all the reasons you so clearly and eloquently cite. As a writer, I like to have all manner of synonyms at my disposal, but from now on I’m going to restrict the use of “orgasm” to the female of the species. It is her peak experience, my wife’s, that is the goal of lovemaking, and indeed participating in it has ever been my peak sexual experience. My release has never been anything more than an afterthought, an “anticlimax.” As such, it should never be more, in your phrase, “an occasional tip for very good behaviour.”
I look forward to hearing more from you. Indeed, you should be writing a book or blog on the topic of female led relationships. And, of course, I would dearly like to read about your own domestic relationship, if you would ever consider sharing anything about that. But, please, encore! Encore!
- Mark

Julian said...

A very great point made by Pat - and I couldn't agree more.

What is known as the Female Orgasm must be elevated and celebrated as a joint celebration for both participants. As such, both participants should work towards Female Orgasms as much as possible.

As the joint orgasm it should be what both parties are always striving for in any sexual activity.

Pat's comment also gives proper recognition to what is commonly referred to as the male orgasm. As a more selfish male-oriented 'release' - which is what it really is - it doesn't build any bond of substance between the two partners and therefore should be avoided lest it encourage selfish tendencies, and only used sparingly as the Woman sees fit for maintenance purposes.

I couldn't agree more with Pat's wonderful and erudite explanation of the real differences between these two experiences which many people unfortunately regards as similar. This is a mindset that must be changed in the general population by according the respect and reverence the Female Orgasm deserves.