Monday, March 15, 2010
Revisiting Vivian’s Domain, Part 2
(Continuing my archival republishing of sections of “Vivian’s Domain,” an FLR website originally hosted on Geocities.com, but no longer retrievable even on the Wayback Machine. Contrary to the expectations of several blog commenters, in this and subsequent installments “Vivian” does not continue the story of how she took control of her marriage and her husband. But she does offer well-seasoned advice to wives wondering how to get started on their own wife-led marriages, or even if they dare do so. — Mark Remond)
(From “Vivian’s Domain” / “Better Spouses Website”)
How Will I Know?
This is a common question from women I've talked with who are interested in Domestic Discipline but whose husbands have not outright asked them to try it. How do I know he wants or needs this? On its face it seems a legitimate question. To those of us who've been around a bit, it’s a no brainer. Of course he does! If he's like most men he won't come right out and tell you (too much ego), but that doesn't mean he doesn't know it's best for him.
This site is designed for women. That's why it is so wordy and detailed. If it were for men it would only need one page with a picture of me pointing my finger and saying, "You know you need to be punished for your bad behavior, don't you?"
He would simply gulp, catch his breath and say, "Yes ma'am." I would instruct him to tell his wife of that need. He would want to tell his wife but he'd be afraid to do so. He'd be afraid she wouldn't understand. He would assume his wife would think the idea of Domestic Discipline too weird. His fear would be justified. That's why I created this site.
I'll let you in on a little secret. If you are reading this, there is about a 90% chance it is because your husband (on some level) wants you to. I know this because of the ways I've "marketed" this site. If you are among the 30% who have come across this site on you own, there is still about a 70% chance your husband secretly desires Domestic Discipline.
Here are some ways for you to know without risking any embarrassment for yourself.
1. Think about it. Has he ever offered you a clue that he has a streak of sexual submissiveness in him? Does he like to be teased? Does he enjoy sex more with you on top in the dominant position? Has he ever admitted to you that he lacks self-discipline and needs external discipline? Chances are you'll find your answer in your own memories.
2. Laughingly show him this site or one of my recommended links such as The Disciplinary Wives Club or Mistress Lori's Chastity Site. Make a joke of it and say something like "Wouldn't it be great if something like that worked on you?" Observe his response. Unless he comes right out and says something like, "No way, don't even think of trying that with me," he's interested. He'll probably blush (if he's prone to doing that) or drop his eyes and he'll probably hint at his interest with a joking response. If he does that, say something like, "maybe this is the kind of thing you need." By maintaining a bit of humor in your voice you protect yourself from any risk in case he is really not interested in this. Chances are he'll say something along the lines of, "Maybe it is." A response like is really equal to,"Yes, Yes, Yes, PLEASE." Keep that in mind. If you get a "maybe" you should seize the moment and say something like, "Well, that is exactly what we're going to do then." The thing to remember about the conversation as sketched above is that you have risked nothing. You haven't revealed any so-called kinkiness but he has. You remain in control.
3. Just do it! Start by either talking to him about his behaviors or coming to an agreement that he will be punished if they continue or by simply doing what I did. You'll find that in My Story. Most of the Dominant Wives I've spoken with believe it is safer to discuss things first, but it worked well for me. The thing about "just doing it" is that it may work in a situation where the husband is not aware of and has not even thought about his need for discipline and submission. "Just doing it" touches him in his subconscious before his intellect has time to react.
I hope the information on this site is enough to get you started with this new and wonderful aspect of your marital relationship. I promised this page on getting started, but I honestly don't have much more to say on the subject that isn't already covered in the site. But I will try to offer something helpful here.
1. If your husband has already told you he is interested in trying Domestic Discipline.
In this case your next step is easy. Take him up on it! You'll want to begin by sitting down with him to lay out the rules. The rules may be as simple or as complicated as you like but they must include these two primary ingredients.
A) He must promise to comply with your discipline. This does not mean he has to be perfect. Just that when you order him over your knee, he takes his place there regardless of the mood he's in at the time. That is all you really need to start. Your other punishments and discipline will flow from there. He will comply with them knowing if he does not, a hard (or harder) spanking will follow.
B) He must promise to give you control over his sexual release and to never lie to you about masturbating. If you choose to use a chastity device, he must agree to wear it at your discretion.
That's it for the basics. Once those basics are established the rest is up to you and your imagination. It's a good idea, as I've mentioned, to agree upon a trial period. I believe the trial period should be at least three months in order to evaluate the effectiveness of the program. It is also good to agree upon a "safe phrase" your husband can use in case things go way too far for him. He needs to know that his use of the safe phrase ends the Domestic Discipline part of your relationship for a certain period of time so that things can be properly evaluated.
I also recommend a three-month interval between his use of the "safe phrase" and the recommencement of DD.
I recommend this lengthy period because you want your husband to be able to stop things if something is completely unbearable, but you don't want him using the safe phrase when discipline is simply extremely uncomfortable for him. That would give him too much power in the relationship. The whole point of this is that real power is exchanged in DD. He gives it up and you take it.
2. If your husband has not told you outright that he is interested in trying Domestic Discipline
In this case read the "How will I know" section of this site. Let me repeat that if you are reading this it is most likely that your husband wants and needs Domestic Discipline. You may or may not have a difficult time believing that, but my experience has taught me that most men yearn for and fantasize about DD. Most men do not think their wives would ever dream of taking on the role of disciplinarian and, therefore, do not ask. Simply show him this site or another that deals with the subject and jokingly let him know that you think it would be great to have him serving you for a change.
It is a good idea to probe for his willingness to try DD in a playful or humorous way. As I've said before, DD is part game and that is the part that will attract your husband.
After you have introduced the idea in a playful manner, be attentive to his response. Even if he initially seems to reject the idea, wait. He'll likely try to get you to bring up the idea again after he's had time to think about it. Most likely he'll make some safe, joking response like. “Yea, I bet you'd love that,” or even more to the point like, “Maybe that is something I need.” If he gives you any sign, even a slight hesitation, you can be sure he wants DD badly but is too ashamed to tell you. When you hear him say anything that hints at interest, suggest that you try if for a while to see how it goes. I can almost guarantee he'll agree.
Another way is to approach the matter like I did (see “My Story”[Mark Remond: In Part 1 of this multi-part post]). This is good if you are angry with him or if he has done something that merits punishment and he knows he is guilty. If he feels guilty about something, allow that guilt to sink in and after a while he will approach you to “make up.” That is when you can begin scolding him and letting him know that something must be done about his behavior. In a guilty state of mind he will accept your punishment (a hard spanking) and the rules you impose after the punishment. He will also adore you more than ever for the power you have shown him.
(In Part 3 Vivian’s responds to questions and comments from wives following her advice, and offers a provocative essay on why and how wife-led marriages work so well, “Toward A Fantastic Marriage.”)