Thursday, September 2, 2010
Au876 on Financial Control, Part 1
There have been a couple of comments from readers strongly agreeing with the previous posting, A Short Course in Wife Worship by Au876, especially Au’s thoughts on the benefits of the wife assuming total financial control in a wife-led marriage.
There was Allen, who commented, “Her whole personality changed when she took over all financial matters, and she is really good at it. This is the part that helped her enjoy her leadership in our marriage; even more then when I do all household chores.”
And Anonymous [wife] who wrote: “I agree that financial control for the wife is the most important part of the marriage and solidifies her (my) control. This was hard for me to manage at first, but now I would not have it any other way.”
My experience was exactly like Allen’s, and I imagine (though I have not asked her) that my wife is very much of Anonymous wife’s opinion. As I wrote once in an FLR blog (re “Stripping Hubby of Independence”):
“I certainly remember, as I took the steps at work to have my direct-deposit go into her private account, that this was one of those steps from fantasy into reality, one of those major turning points. And so it has proved. For years I had read about the ‘power exchange’ inherent in FLRs or Wife-Led Marriages. Well, now I know what it means. I no longer look at my beloved bride the way I did. Whenever I think of her, whenever she is in the room or speaks, there is an aura of power that surrounds her. And, yes, it is sexy. And she knows it, too.”
So, because there seem to be some very strong reactions to this particular preachment (and no doubt some of them will be negative, which is fine), and because Au876 was my mentor in taking this step, I thought I’d post more of his writings on the topic of financial control.
Because they were posted over a period of a couple years to Lady Misato’s original Yahoo! husbands’ forum, there is a certain amount of repetition. Think of it as reinforcement.
And now, Au876 on Financial Control, Part 1:
How It All Started
My wife didn't start with financial control. But once she had more or less taken charge of most aspects of our marriage (with my encouragement), she did take over financial control. Once she did that, probably for the first time I felt completely under her control. It was both scary and exciting. Now it is just accepted. Looking back, it was about 10 years ago our power transfer started. My wife opened her own checking account and announced her paycheck would go there from now on. Since I couldn't write a check on that account, we agreed she'd take over the bill paying (my check went to our joint account).
Less than a year later she closed our joint account and told me to arrange for direct deposit of my check to her account. This was a problem for me, but she finally convinced me it was the thing to do. She began making all the financial decisions, often with no input from me.
I was surprised how at much better off we were. She put me on a small allowance. I found myself stress-free from money worries. My biggest concern was to save money from my allowance to buy her a surprise present now and then.
Money like sex is power. I began taking on household chores to gain her favor and thus hopefully earn a bonus. After I did a chore two or three times, it suddenly became “my chore” and if I didn't do it she might cut my allowance or she might refuse sex, saying I had not done my chores.
Strive hard to live within the allowance she sets. Strive to save some back so you can buy her a present now and then. It may not be much, but she will know you had to cut back on your own pleasures to afford it.
It was good to hear your wife has taken over the money and checkbook. My wife gradually took charge of our finances over a period of time. The day she had me close our joint checking account, deposit all the money into her personal account and have my paycheck deposited there was a real turning point in our relationship. Us guys seem to equate money with power. I was put in the position of having to ask her for money every time I needed some. I really felt her power especially when she said no.
She put me on an allowance sometime later she said to keep me from bugging her and to teach me how to manage what I had better. It was actually a relief and ego builder for me to have some freedom even if the amount was not much.
Living Under Her Financial Control
I did control the finances in the beginning. However, my wife wanted control and took control. There are times I wish it were not so but it is also comforting to be under the security of her control.
My wife does have absolute control of all our finances. There are times I wish she didn't and it puts me under her control to a large degree. However, she is the better investor and we are much better off than when I was handling matters. We are aware of the tax situations and have set things up to take advantage of all the breaks. In addition I am her major financial advisor. In fact ,she insists I study and learn so she can ask questions and get answers without having to do research herself. I also pay all the bills, balance her accounts monthly and keep all the records for her review. All she does is sign the checks.
It is a good first step for your wife to open her own account. You cannot truly submit as long as you have any control or power with the finances. When she has total control of the family finances, you will both feel the relationship has reached what you desire.
My wife now has total control of all our assets. My check goes by direct deposit into her account, and I am given an allowance, which she sets and adjusts as she sees fit. I am not allowed nor do I ever question any decisions she makes about finances (or anything else for that matter).
I cannot do anything financially without my wife's signing off on it. She can do as she pleases and needs no consent from me. However, she insists I stay abreast of the financial markets, be prepared to give her good opinions when asked and be able to discuss matters with her.
Don't be afraid to give her complete and absolute control. Abide by her decisions. Do not argue with her. Do as much of the mundane paperwork as she wants you to do. Never question her but strive to make her decisions work just as you would do for your boss where you work.
She should and must be free to do as she pleases with the finances. She is in control. Adore her and work for her. Let her know you appreciate her.
Assure her you will not question anything she does and her decisions on financial matters are final. If she wants your opinion she can ask for it and she knows that. But when you give your opinion, give it humbly and be glad she has asked for it. Never, never get upset when she does not use your opinion.
If you are still working on a budget, listen to her carefully. If there are any areas of dispute, then her idea, word or suggestions should be final. In the future if you wish to purchase a "big" item, discuss it with her and LISTEN to her then abide by what she thinks.
My wife uses me a lot for counseling on money matters. As a matter of fact I have to stay abreast of all sorts of financial areas so I can give her good counsel. My job is to give her the best counsel I can (when she ask for it). Hers is to make the decisions.
If she doesn't ask, I am to remain silent. Last night she got a call from a political party asking for money. She told them she'd have to think about it and to call back next week. When she got off the phone I volunteered that I didn't think we should give them any money. She looked at me hard and said "I don't recall asking for your opinion". Now in some households that may start an argument. But I felt dressed down. I had overstepped my bounds and she let me know she didn't appreciate it. I offered my apology and spent the rest of the evening catering to her even more than normal.
I am a strong believer in the idea that the person who controls the money has the real power, be it spoken or not. Yet wifeworship is not about power. It is about service to your wife, yielding to her will, tending to her needs and most of all obeying her at all times. Well, I guess if you do that for her, it means she does have the power. I for one enjoy my wife being in control of all aspects of my life. It is easy to worship her. She demands it, expects it, and has ways to enforce it.
Serving as Her Financial Secretary
There is a lot work in handling the finances. The bookkeeping, bill-paying check-writing, record savings and researching for investments. Your wife may want to handle all or part of this herself. However, you can serve as her financial secretary in whatever capacity she wants. I get all the bills ready for payment, write the checks for my wife and, after she signs them, I prepare the bills for mailing. I do everything except sign the checks.
If she doesn't want me to see a bill, I don't see it, but there is no reason for her to hide one from me. I consider myself to be well informed on financial matters. My wife often has me gather information on an investment she may be considering or do other research, such as comparing prices. She often asks my opinion. When she does, she expects an informed opinion. However, after I present what she has asked for, she makes the decisions. Sometimes I never know what they are.
On occasion my wife has asked me to read some investment material she had and give her my opinion or do some further research for her. I do this, give it to her in writing and never ask what she decided. She may or may not tell me later, but I have been asked for an opinion and that by itself thrills me.
About three years ago my wife wanted to change brokers. She told me to come up with a list of several for her to talk with. I talked with friends and etc., and came up with seven of them. My wife then told me exactly what she was looking for in a broker and instructed me to talk with each of them. I did and reported back to her my opinion of each. Based on that she cut the list down to three and had me set up her meeting with each of them. I did. I took her to meet each one and waited while she interviewed them. She was pleased with all three and selected one of them. She told me I had done a great job and saved her a lot of time and effort. It was clear to me she had trusted my judgment. I was active in the selection process.
Financial control by the wife does not mean she has to do all the mundane work of bill paying, keeping track of stuff and etc. She can delegate that to you just like she can delegate anything else to you.
I do all the mundane financial chores such as preparing the bills for payment (she only signs the checks), balancing her accounts, researching for her investments when she tells me and giving her detailed reports whenever she says.
Living on an Allowance
Let her set your allowance (you can have input, but her decision is final). If you need extra money for something, hopefully you will be allowed to ask for it and present your case. You will find this hard to do and accept, having to ask your wife for money.
If she says yes, that is great, but what if she says no? You cannot argue with her. You cannot make her feel bad for saying no. You cannot pout. You have to cheerfully accept her decision even if you don't understand it.
If my wife says no (and she does a lot more often than she says yes), I still find it hard to accept. However, we have reached a compromise. I am allowed to bring the request back to her in six months if I still feel I need whatever I asked for.
You will find she may surprise you with some extra money now and then or a special present of something you really want (and she may have told you no earlier).
If you want to become more subservient to her, you might want to consider offering to do things if she will pay you more money. $5 is a mighty small amount to get by on per week. I get $25 and can hardly manage. Ask her if she will pay you an additional amount if you start doing the laundry and build on it from there. A couple of years ago I wanted something that cost $150. My wife said no. A few weeks later I asked her if I could do something to earn the extra money. We talked back and forth awhile and she finally agreed she would "credit" me with $2 an hour for doing extra personal chores for her. I kept a record by minutes and we actually had a lot of fun with both of us thinking up things for me to do, her checking the record every day and etc. Once I got close to the required amount, she started getting strict about it being an extra and even started deducting items to punish me for failing to do something I should have done. “Raising the bar?” As I said, it became fun. I got what I wanted. A big bonus was I discovered some of the personal things she wanted done she hadn't brought up before and they are now a regular part of our relationship.
I sometimes wish I weren't on an allowance and/or had more say so with our finances. However, you sure feel the depths of submission (and its pleasures) when you are truly dependent upon your wife's good will for whatever money you have.
To me the worst part is being on a small allowance and her having the ability to "punish" me by reducing it whenever she sees fit. However, she also rewards me at times with extra money and I have learned to really appreciate that. I totally trust her to do what is right for me.
Are you guys on an allowance? If so how much do you get (if that is not too personal). I get $25 a week for spending money and do not have to account for any of it. When I have to buy anything for the house (i.e., groceries and etc.), she gives me a signed check and or lets me use her charge card. She always checks to make sure I have not padded the purchases to get extra money.
I often find it hard to get by with this amount. This Saturday when she was giving me my allowance I suggested she should raise it. I had been broke the last three days. (But I had not gone into the money I save back to buy her presents.) In response she said I was not spending wisely and just needed to learn how to be more thrifty. She reduced my allowance to $20 a week for the next month, saying when I learned to live on that, the $25 would seem like a lot.
I am not upset. No need to be, that won’t help. I was just wondering if anyone else had experience in this matter. How did you get a raise??
April 1st was a year since she last reviewed my allowance. I approached her about giving me more money. She told me to write down as best I could remember how I spent my money and keep up with everything I spent for the next three weeks and let her see it. It wasn't real hard keeping up with $25. Saturday night I gave her my report. She said she'd look it over and decide what to do or change if anything.
Last night she said she was raising my allowance to $50 a week! I couldn't hardly believe it. I was hoping for a raise but not that much. But the best was yet to come. After I near fell over myself in gratitude, she gave me $200 in cash and said to spend it all on myself, not to buy her anything.
I feel like I am the luckiest man in the world. I have a wife I adore and worship. I love to serve her and take care of her. I know she loves me and appreciates what I do for her. She shows me that near every day. I told her how much I loved her and that I would always do whatever she said. She said she knew that and she loved me too.
Buying Her Presents
I have very little money to get her anything for Christmas. But this has given me an opportunity to be creative. I am developing a plan to wrap up something, maybe a poem I'll write, to say I am quitting my job and coming to work for her. She will be my boss both at home and at work. It is hard to believe how totally dependent I am upon her and how much I love it.
When my wife and I were dating I would surprise her with little gifts every couple of weeks. Nothing expensive or fancy, just something I thought she would like. This continued (on less frequent intervals) for a while after we got married. However, after she took charge of our finances and put me on an allowance, I wasn't able to afford to continue this. Actually it had almost stopped by then anyway. Now it is a challenge to save up enough to buy her gifts on major occasions. All though this will be easier since my [allowance] raise (I hope). I do leave her notes of love and appreciation a lot. I may have it by her coffee cup, put it her purse, under or pillow or some other place I know where I know she will find it.
She gives me little gifts now. It might be a bottle of men's cologne), or as major as one she gave me last year which was a $100 gift certificate to the drug store where I usually buy pedicure supplies. I often wish I could buy her little things but she knows I can't afford to and I think she appreciates the notes just as much if not more.
This is in reply to your question of how I could buy my wife expensive gifts. I can't. There is no way possible because I do not have free access to any remotely large sum of money. Yes, if she wants something, she buys it and I must say she does not hesitate to splurge on herself. Before she took control of the finances I would buy her right expensive gifts from time to time. She appreciated them but often exchanged them for what she really wanted.
Now she buys what she really wants. But the big plus is how much more she appreciates the gifts I do buy for her. It may be an inexpensive sweater, some new underwear, candy or even flowers from time to time, but she knows I have had to save back from my allowance to make the purchase and she knows I have given up some pleasures for myself to please her. She seems to appreciate them
much more than she did expensive gifts that caused me little hardship.
I have very little business travel. When I do, I am paid a daily amount by the company for meals and my room is charged to the company. Therefore this does not present a control problem for my wife. I usually am able to return some of the daily money allowed to her, but she does not ask me to account for it. She is a good woman.
(End Part One, to be continued…)