Thursday, May 22, 2008
Avoiding the ‘S’ Word — Part 2
In sprucing up its image, the FLR (Female Led Relationship) movement has tended to avoid terms with kinky or bizarre overtones. So, husbands or boyfriends in FLRs often resort to euphemistic synonyms for “submissive”—for example, “attentive,” “accommodating,” “considerate,” “chivalrous,” “deferential,” “obliging.”
Anything but submissive.
I’ve been one of these euphemizers. For good reason, I think. But some of my postings, as a consequence, may convey a sense of less than full disclosure.
But I begin to notice a counter movement in the world of FLRs, from guys especially, married or otherwise, who are up front about using the “S” word. Openly “submissive husbands” and “submissive boyfriends.”
In fact, I’m seeing stirrings of “Submissive Pride.” There’s a blog called “Yes, I’m a Submissive Man!” where each posting ends with a rallying cry, “I am submissiveProud.”
What’s next, “Submissive Pride” marches? I don’t think so, except perhaps as a subset of Gay Pride events, replete with the off-putting paraphernalia of stable and kennel. I'm afraid that’s not the way back to the social mainstream, but rather deeper into the subculture swamps.
Nonetheless, some husbands in FLRs are trying to come to grips with the “S” word, like this thoughtful guy: “I myself struggle with my political beliefs in democracy and equality and my desire to serve and submit to my wife. It is hard to reconcile these two seemingly opposed impulses.”
Another offers this candid insight: “Part of my thrill is the denial, the humiliation, the power trip for my wife. I like the idea of inherent unfairness, unreasonableness, inequality; for example, my wife controls all the money and can do pretty much whatever she wants. I, on the other hand, always have to ask for permission for my non-routine purchases. She can have me pleasure her to multiple orgasms, then she can roll over and fall asleep. She can masturbate anytime she wants to. I, on the other hand, need her permission before I can even touch myself for any purpose other than cleaning. The bottom line is: Her control makes me happy.”
And this husband has attempted to codify his submissive status as part of an MOU (Memorandum Of Understanding) between him and his leader-wife:
“I accept the inequality inherent in a relationship based upon my erotic need to submit to my wife’s will. Therefore, though I will talk to her about my thoughts and feelings, I will not try to limit her in the exercise of the prerogatives of power.”
There are, to be sure, avowedly matriarchal marriages, in which the husband cannot pretend he is anything but completely submissive and subordinate, whether or not his matriarch-wife chooses to disclose their lifestyle to others.
Here’s a typical example: “Before we got married, my girlfriend explained to me how she would be in total control, and she sure wasn’t kidding. Now that she’s my wife, she wants me to have a submissive attitude toward her at all times, not just during sex. She started asking me to do more and more housework and has become generally more and more assertive with me. We get along really well because there is no power struggle. She has begun training me to help me maintain a habit of reflexive obedience without letting my brain or ego get in the way.”
“My wife reprimanded me the other day for doing something without asking permission,” writes another husband. “I stated that I thought she didn't want to be bothered with that level of detail. She looked at me as if to say ‘you silly man,’ then she said ‘You are mine and I expect you to ask permission before you act on anything not already approved or directed.’”
I doubt that most wives in FLR marriages would want that degree of micromanagement over their husbands. But, more often than not, the degree of wifely control and of husbandly submission will be up to her to determine.
And what about the husband’s part? Well, it’s up to him to … well, to oblige… and accommodate… and defer… and yield… and, okay, dammit, to submit!
I “yield” the last word to Au876:
“Abide by her decisions. Do not argue with her. Never question her but strive to make her decisions work just as you would do for your boss where you work. She is in control. Adore her and work for her.”