Thursday, May 22, 2008

Avoiding the ‘S’ Word — Part 2

In sprucing up its image, the FLR (Female Led Relationship) movement has tended to avoid terms with kinky or bizarre overtones. So, husbands or boyfriends in FLRs often resort to euphemistic synonyms for “submissive”—for example, “attentive,” “accommodating,” “considerate,” “chivalrous,” “deferential,” “obliging.”

Anything but submissive.

I’ve been one of these euphemizers. For good reason, I think. But some of my postings, as a consequence, may convey a sense of less than full disclosure.

But I begin to notice a counter movement in the world of FLRs, from guys especially, married or otherwise, who are up front about using the “S” word. Openly “submissive husbands” and “submissive boyfriends.”

In fact, I’m seeing stirrings of “Submissive Pride.” There’s a blog called “Yes, I’m a Submissive Man!” where each posting ends with a rallying cry, “I am submissiveProud.”

What’s next, “Submissive Pride” marches? I don’t think so, except perhaps as a subset of Gay Pride events, replete with the off-putting paraphernalia of stable and kennel. I'm afraid that’s not the way back to the social mainstream, but rather deeper into the subculture swamps.

Nonetheless, some husbands in FLRs are trying to come to grips with the “S” word, like this thoughtful guy: “I myself struggle with my political beliefs in democracy and equality and my desire to serve and submit to my wife. It is hard to reconcile these two seemingly opposed impulses.”

Another offers this candid insight: “Part of my thrill is the denial, the humiliation, the power trip for my wife. I like the idea of inherent unfairness, unreasonableness, inequality; for example, my wife controls all the money and can do pretty much whatever she wants. I, on the other hand, always have to ask for permission for my non-routine purchases. She can have me pleasure her to multiple orgasms, then she can roll over and fall asleep. She can masturbate anytime she wants to. I, on the other hand, need her permission before I can even touch myself for any purpose other than cleaning. The bottom line is: Her control makes me happy.”

And this husband has attempted to codify his submissive status as part of an MOU (Memorandum Of Understanding) between him and his leader-wife:

“I accept the inequality inherent in a relationship based upon my erotic need to submit to my wife’s will. Therefore, though I will talk to her about my thoughts and feelings, I will not try to limit her in the exercise of the prerogatives of power.”

There are, to be sure, avowedly matriarchal marriages, in which the husband cannot pretend he is anything but completely submissive and subordinate, whether or not his matriarch-wife chooses to disclose their lifestyle to others.

Here’s a typical example: “Before we got married, my girlfriend explained to me how she would be in total control, and she sure wasn’t kidding. Now that she’s my wife, she wants me to have a submissive attitude toward her at all times, not just during sex. She started asking me to do more and more housework and has become generally more and more assertive with me. We get along really well because there is no power struggle. She has begun training me to help me maintain a habit of reflexive obedience without letting my brain or ego get in the way.”

“My wife reprimanded me the other day for doing something without asking permission,” writes another husband. “I stated that I thought she didn't want to be bothered with that level of detail. She looked at me as if to say ‘you silly man,’ then she said ‘You are mine and I expect you to ask permission before you act on anything not already approved or directed.’”

I doubt that most wives in FLR marriages would want that degree of micromanagement over their husbands. But, more often than not, the degree of wifely control and of husbandly submission will be up to her to determine.

And what about the husband’s part? Well, it’s up to him to … well, to oblige… and accommodate… and defer… and yield… and, okay, dammit, to submit!

I “yield” the last word to Au876:

“Abide by her decisions. Do not argue with her. Never question her but strive to make her decisions work just as you would do for your boss where you work. She is in control. Adore her and work for her.”


Burnsie said...

The image that you selected for this article is wonderful. The woman has such an appreciative and loving look on her face, and her hand placement on her lover's head so adds to that.

My wife has been having me shave her legs and this week (and I volunteered) she is having me paint her toe and finger nails, BUT she wants me to do it on the beach when we start vacation this coming weekend.

Mark Remond said...

Those are very special and intimate rituals. Thus far, however, I have not been favored to shave my wife's legs--she prefers to do that in the shower. And manicures are done professionally. That leaves pedicures, however, with only occasional spa pedicures displacing my efforts.

Burnsie said...

They are indeed intimate rituals and I am loving the bonding that results from this. All of this is coming about very naturally, although it would still be considered 'stealth' mode, as I haven't brought up FLR... yet.

Several weeks ago I purchased a nice ladies shaver for her as a gift and offered to shave her legs. She accepted both.

One night after finishing shaving her legs, I said, "I would be happy to follow this up with a pedicures sometime and a nail painting?" She has nice finger and toe nails, but never paints them.

She said she wouldn't know what colors to use and asked me, me being a photographer and artist, which colors I would choose. I suggested a couple and a few days later we were shopping for nail polish.

john said...

I author the blog, "Yes, I'm a submissive man!" you mentioned in your post and made the decision to add 'I am submissiveProud' after each post following a remarkable date with a dominant woman.

I actually wrote about the evening on the blog a couple of years ago - but it was one of the first dates [in Seattle] where my submissiveness was open, acknowledged and appreciated. It felt great! Men who are submissive - and proud of it - should be free to identify themselves as such and not worry about what others think.

I'm a strong secure submissive man who thinks bowing to the authority and command of a strong dominant woman makes sense and is the right choice for me.

I am submissiveProud

Mark Remond said...

thanks for the comment. I hope you don't mind my citing your motto. It remains a goal for me to reach that state where my submissiveness can be "open, acknowledged and appreciated." But, like burnsie, in some respects I have to move slowly toward that goal. But it's definitely getting closer, and that's exciting, too... tracking that incremental progress as my wife grows ever more comfortable with her power and openly showing it...

Whipped One said...

This image while disturbing for some seems to work perfectly for this couple. My wife would not be interested in "micromanaging" me to this extent, but does expect that I check with her before making outside plans so there are no schedule conflicts etc.. I think while this is an extreme case there are lessons to be learned here for everyone. My wife loves for me to wash her hair while she takes a bath. I like it because she does. It is a bonding experience and a highly sensual one at that. I have learned alot about "Orgasm Management" over the years and can honestly say it is a chicken/egg debate. There is a direct correlation with how well I treat my wife and how attentive I am to her and how many orgasms I have. The Orgasms are a bonding experience and motivation to be attentive and treat her right. I think when you get right down to it this is true in any relationship. In a sense I manage my orgasms by choosing to 'worship" my wife who then chooses to share that wonderful gift with me. Painting my wife's toe nails is a miniscule price to pay for the wonderful gift my bestows on me.

Anonymous said...

i'm glad i stumbled on this post. i have been struggling with finding a balance between total submission and having my own identity. My Wife is wonderful, She is perfect i adore Her and worship the ground She walks on. She has total control over me, my wardrobe, my diet, how i spend my time, when and if i experience orgasms... there is not one area of my life that She does not have authority over. Having said that, She is also very loving, giving and generous. The struggle for me is: given the opportunity, there is nothing i'd rather do than serve Her. Like an addict, i would sacrifice all other parts of my life to be at Her feet serving attentively. i am lucky that She recognizes the need for me to have outside social stimulation and insists that i spend time with friends occasionally, but given the option i'd spend all my time under Her, serving.

i am addicted to serving my Wife. i fear it may be unhealthy but i just love it so much. i am most fulfilled while serving and feel empty and directionless in her absence.

Anonymous said...

I too don't care for the term submissive as it has a negative connotation. As for me, I prefer to look upon my wife as our family's 'leader'. Although she doesn't demand my obedience, I willing do as she says and accept her authority over me...As I've told her many times, my wish in life is to pamper her and be her assistant. This are things that she appreciates.