Saturday, April 25, 2009
Caught in the Courtship Loop, Part One
The animating idea of my book, Worshippping Your Wife, is that the magic of first love does not have to wear off. And, darn it, if it does, it can be recaptured and perpetuated. Yea, verily, a husband and wife can reinfect one another with honeymoon fever even unto the happy-ever-aftering of storybooks and Harlequin romances, until death do them part.
I lifted this hopeful concept, with (I hope) appropriate acknowledgment, from the website of Fumika Misato (Real Women Don’t Do Housework), but abundant articulations of this idea can be found on FLR websites, repeated in testimonials posted online in newsgroups, bulletin boards (and in emails to me) by worshipful husbands their worshipped wives.
Perpetual Courtship, I call it in the book. Think of “Ground Hog Day” meets “50 First Dates.” The husband wakes up each morning with an overwhelming urge (and need) to resume his hormone-fueled courtship of his wife, to win her all over again, as if for the first time.
I prescribe various kinds of courtship behaviors ardent hubbie can keep practicing, in an endless romantic loop.
But, you may ask, can’t this get a little déjà-vuish? Yes, it can. And, speaking guy-wise, it is especially hard to wake up après sex and launch into a full-court, courtship press. “You mean, we gotta win her all over again?” the hormones are apt to complain. “We’re not exactly in the mood right now.”
This is why Lady Misato counsels wives to master the art of keeping their husbands sexually “on edge”:
“As a general rule,” she writes, “you will elicit the best behavior from your husband if you keep him on the edge between frustration and satisfaction… A husband who is sexually satisfied will have no energy to attend to your needs.”
The same prescription is given by Emily and Ken Addison of the Around Her Finger website, books and CDs. “My husband is the perfect man until after he has an orgasm,” a woman writes to Emily, “then he rolls over like the ape that he was before we discovered your site. Is this normal?”
Keep him on edge, Emily replies. “It is no great secret that after sex men become very sleepy and disinterested in affection and communication… [but] I promise that any man that is denied an orgasm will have no desire whatsoever to get quickly off to sleep after being intimate with his wife… He will dote on his wife, playing with her hair, rubbing her back, and kissing her neck and shoulders. He will behave as if he is just getting to know her. It will be as if the old flames have been rekindled.”
It’s the “uncertainty principle” at work, according to one one Internet couples counselor calling herself “Dr. Ann” (quoted in chapter 4 of my book, “A Playful Step Beyond”): “When my female clients add the uncertainty principle of arousal and denial to their marriage, a woman can bring her husband back to the days when they were first dating.”
“Forcing a buildup of semen in men should be the goal of all females,” another controlling wife says simply. “Your man's behavior toward you will change dramatically for the better as his semen levels increase. You should always deny your man an orgasm prior to events that might require his maximum male energy and aggressiveness.” This, by the way, is pretty much the standard advice boxers are given by their trainers on the runup to a big fight. To help enforce it, fighters often are sent to hideaway training camps, far from feminine temptation.
But does perpetual courtship require perpetual denial? The answer, thank God, is no, and I have it on the authority of those two leading lights of the Loving Female Authority movement, Fumika Misato and Elise Sutton.
Let's start with Misato: “You absolutely do not want to frustrate your husband for too long. If your husband becomes overly frustrated, he will be tempted to seek relief outside the marriage. On the other hand, you do not want to overly satisfy him either. A husband who is sexually satisfied will have no energy to attend to your needs. Finding the right balance of sexual desire is tricky.”
Which, not surprisingly, is exactly, chapter and verse, the advice from Elise Sutton: “You have to find the balance that works for your relationship. You have discovered that your husband is balanced when you give him an orgasm every two to three weeks. That is great. With my husband, once a month works. Why don’t I deny him longer? Because through experimentation I have discovered that it becomes counterproductive to go longer than that. Some women allow their man an orgasm once a week. Some women can deny their husbands for months at a time... It all boils down to what works with your man.”
The process works, even when the husband knows he is being manipulated: “My lovely wife has it pretty well figured out that much more than a week begins to be counterproductive,” a happy husband writes. “She also understands that, as Lady Misato advises, she must continually keep me ‘on the edge.’”
Some guys, as Elise Sutton indicated, are made to endure longer periods of enforced abstinence: “I have been denied an orgasm for four weeks and It has caused me to be in touch and in sync with her moods, wants, and demands. So far, I regularly do the dishes, the laundry, get the kids ready and out to school, and basically all of the kitchen chores. She doesn't have to hound me to do any of it.”
This husband exhibits other classic symptoms of the courting male: “I find myself going nuts to attract her attention. Over the summer I lost a lot of weight and am about 14 lb. short of my ideal. I almost look as fit as when we met.”
“I feel more focused, alive, vital, and sexual when I am denied regular orgasms by my wonderful wife. When I come too oftgen, I become torpid, disaffected, and disinterested in her. Far better to be kept tantalizingly on edge.”
Another teased-and-denied husband echoes this: “I do not perform for my wife as well when I come to often. I have been living this lifestyle long enough to know that denial by our dominant wives for us is one of the most effective things.”
“My wife has been keeping me on edge constantly, and although I never would have predicted it, I love it. She has me waiting on her hand and foot, doting on her constantly, and sexually it has become all about her, as it should be.”
So, is the ultimate happy-ever-after marriage an endless replay of courtship? Perhaps surprisingly, my answer is no. But I’ll save the explanation for the next post.