Friday, October 9, 2009

Falling in Love Again

“Perpetual Courtship,” a chapter title in Worshipping Your Wife, could easily serve as the book’s title. “PC” is pretty much what “wife worship” is all about. As Fumika Misato says on her Real Women Don't website, “This is a marriage in which your husband courts you until death do you part.”

But when I say “perpetual courtship,” does that mean the suitor’s goal is never to be reached? Is the lady to be endlessly wooed, never won?

My answer is that yes, there is a goal, and yes, she is to be won—over and over again. Why not slay a dragon-a-day to prove your mettle?

But there’s another way to look at this ongoing courtship, especially for husbands whose wives are initially unreceptive to the notion of a female-led relationship, as presented. It’s “stealth courtship,” often termed “stealth submission.”

Without a word to his wife, the stealthy husband-suitor begins incrementally and unilaterally taking on household chores, giving her more respect, paying attention to her whims and wishes, buying her special gifts, complimenting her, etc.

He begins practicing, in other words, many of the behaviors I codified into my book’s “Six Steps for Turning Marriage Back Into Passionate Courtship.”

The husband needs to:
1. Realize that "the thrill is gone" and that he wants to get it back.
2. Save his sex energies for his wife.
3. Make her his fantasy.
4. Court her every day, attempt to win her anew.
5. Pamper her and pitch in around the house.
6. Dare to be known by her.

The problem with such courtship, or “stealth submission,” according to Ken and Emily Addison of the Around Her Finger book and blog, is that it’s not sustainable. The Addisons seem adamant that wife and husband need to affirm to each other at the outset that they are formally entering an FLR, not by tacit consent, but by mutual agreement. Most critically, the wife needs to assert her authority over her husband and her new status as head of the household, and the husband needs to acknowledge and accept this, going forward.

That’s a bit like saying courtship can't be sustained if the girl doesn’t say “yes” to the first proposal. How many marriages would never have come to pass if the guy gave up at the first “no”? Old-time Fuller Brush salesmen were trained to get past three, four, five, even six “no’s” at the front door and still close a sale. Can a suitor do less to make the sale of his life?

So, yes, the recommendation here is for a second courtship of one’s wife or girlfriend, not only with the idea that she must be won anew, but that she must be assiduously courted by a new suitor, a new “you.” With the idea that, ultimately, she will fall in love with that new you.

A little weird, yes, and like the Addisons say, hard to keep up day after day, perhaps with little encouragement. But if it is sustained, stealth courtship can prevail. A wife, initially skeptical (“Is this guy really my Fred, or some Alien Replicant?”), can learn to love being treated like a queen, can fall in love all over again with a different version of her husband. She can and likely will gradually grow comfortable with having more and more power in the relationship, where her wishes are supreme, her decisions are final and domestic tranquility prevails.

In romantic obsession, the would-be wife worshipper usually outstrips any “vanilla” suitor, including himself the first time around. As Misato informs interested wives, “You will find that this new relationship goes far beyond the courtship that you experienced when dating.”

Enough theory. Here it is in practice. In fact, here is the best example I have ever come across, as described by “fdhdousehusband” in his now sadly defunct blog, herhousehusband’s life (with all fd’s idiosyncratic upper- and lower-casings preserved):

my Wife fell in love with a man who to Her appeared very vanilla. When i told Her of my submissiveness by showing Her a copy of WHAP magazine, She rejected it. i then had to convince Her that this was who i was and to make Her fall in love with a different person, the submissive me.
i had to convince Her that i was truly a submissive because what would happen if She fell in love with the new me and i suddenly turned back into my vanilla self? To convince Her that i was a submissive took years of dedication to housework, child rearing and pampering without any thought of reward. i did the chores cheerfully and enthusiastically. i convinced Her that this was my life, i was happy in that role and i didn't want anything in return. Yet, each time i failed and became lazy i felt that i took several steps backward for both of U/us. i was moving from one equilibrium to another and i needed to be perfect, not anything in between, not just sometimes.
After She was convinced that i was who i claimed to be, i needed to try to get Her to fall in love with that new me. i listened to Her, i watched everything She did. i praised Her in public before our friends. i did hundreds of little things without asking. i brought Her flowers. i watched Her routines and tried to do things before She had to do them. i never criticized Her for anything. Her way of doing things became my way of doing things. This new me had to win Her over all over again…
She became comfortable with the new me and we fell in love all over again. i still view sex with Her as a gift and She has become more and more dominant both in the bedroom and outside. And the rest as they say is Herstory.

Note, that fd does not downplay the difficulty of sustaining this courtship. It “took years of dedication” and he “needed to be perfect, not anything in between, not just sometimes.”

My second example, of a wife falling in love with a new version of her husband, is told from the woman’s point of view. It appears in the blog Giving Up Control -- Female Led Life, which is cowritten by wife (Ladyof7, “Lo7”) and husband (kept by 7, “Kb7”). Here is Ladyof7's version:

I have come to "prefer" the submissive edge to Kb7 over the vanilla Kb7. Who wouldn't love a husband who has you sitting upon a pedestal catering to your every whim, and agreeing with everything you say without a question? Don't get me wrong, the vanilla Kb7 is who I fell in love with to begin with, but someone better has come along so to speak. I have fallen out of love with the vanilla Kb7 and fell very much in love with the new life I have with Kb7…
I am having fun with lifestyle I have become committed to, and I wonder if we can continue on with this forever…

This, by the way, is the courtship path that I have also pursued, even more incrementally and circuitously than fd describes. Alas, I have been far less consistent in my efforts. But, as I think I have mentioned before, when I look at the way we are now, my wonderful wife and I, and the way we were when this all started, it is clear that all those hesitant baby steps have led me deep and irrevocably into the Queendom of Matriarchy.



Great topic, you really made some good points. I couldn't have written this any better. About 4 years ago, I began a stealth WLR with my wife of 26 years. I did everything for her, sometimes over did it to her annoyance, and finally seemed to get just the right amount of submissiveness she was comfortable with. One Friday night after I orally brought her to many orgasms, she expected me to enter her and make love until I also orgasmed. That was our routine, yes a routine! I suggested that she make me wait until Sunday night so that I would keep the horny feeling all weekend and see how well I could please her for the next 2 days. She said she didn't understand, that I had been treating her good, but she would do it. For the next 2 days I took her shopping, to lunch, made her favorite martini and had some great snacks ready. I also prepared dinner, took her out the other evening, and massaged her back, legs and feet both nights. She was overwelmed. When Sunday night arrived, she said she loved the weekend and said I was due for a great love session. I suggested she keep me without orgasm and real horny for the next 2 weeks because we were going away for that weekend and I said to her "if you thought I was good this weekend, imagine going 2 more weeks without cumming. I'll be the perfect husband". That sealed it, from that day there was no going back, she extends my wait time longer every few months now. She now has me waiting a minimum of 6 weeks (be careful what you wish for......) She loves to keep me horny, loves to see me turn to putty in her hands as she gently strokes and massages HER cock and balls (what we call them now, they no longer belong to me). She always stops just before me exploding as she calls it. So be patient, show your wives how wonderful it can be, don't overdo it at first. It will take many months. But she will love it and never want to go back. My wife is now quite dominant in our WLR, gets as much oral sex as she wants but practices strict orgasm control on me. Now I do all of the housework while she sits and watches me, reads or watches tv. I prepare many of our meals, massage her feet and whereever else she desires, never argue with her because I will always she her point of view, take her shopping at my request and stay with her to pick out clothes or to get different sizes. No husbands chair, she puts me to work. We are happier the last few years than we could ever imagine, closer than ever before, and have the best relationship a husband and wife could hope for. So take your time and you too will devolop a great WLR!!!!!!


I told my husband to send in his above story of how we began our WLR. I never knew what was behind his submissive change, and yes, at times he tried to do too much for me that I did get very annoyed at him. I found it unusual that when I got very annoyed or angry , he would hear me out, say he was sorry and drop it. Nothing like what he would have done in the past. Now when I get in a bad mood, instead of him annoying me or even ignoring me, he talks to me and will always find something to do to change my attitude. I guess because I am more dominant now and he is submissive, I really don't get into bad moods. He is always there to please me. And when you come home and see your husband dusting or cleaning the floors or preparing drinks and dinner, there are no bad moods. Denying him sex for very long periods is the key to our relationship, it is mutual. It is also done on the honor system, no chastity devices, he wanted this. I will only do this if he keeps promising not to orgasm himself, which he has sworn to me he will not. I wouldn't believe in a chastity device, if he wants to do it that bad that he must have his penis locked up, then there is no worshipping your wife relationship between us. Ours is based on love, respect and trust. What better qualities could you have in a WLR. I know he has problems after 1 month being so horny, but that's what he wanted and now I do too. I'm glad when he gets very horny, that's what he is supposed to feel. So I make him wait a full 6 weeks before he has earned the privledge of cumming, more time is added for bad behavior. Seldom is his behavior bad though, although I have added a week or 2 on to his wait time for displeasing me in ways. I am going to increase his wait time to 2 full months on January 1, 2010. He will orgasm for the new year, then wait until March. ( When he reads this he will find this out for the first time). I also, at his request, have him wear panties all of the time. He always had a thing for my panties, so I figured his behavior is so good he can have a little reward. I buy him larger panties than I wear so he has his own and will not stretch mine out. He does look good in a hip brief and I know the silkeyness keeps him aroused also. That also makes him more submissive. And I do stroke him nightly to make him aroused, and will not allow him to even beg for an orgasm. Once a week or so he gives me some great oral sex or he uses a vibrator, but nothing for him. I keep telling him, this is what you wanted, I like it too much now to go back to the old way. He agrees and suffers in silence. When it is time for his orgasm, that's a bit of a problem because he has stored up so much semen that he makes a mess in me. I do massasge him to orgasm on occasion, but I do want the closeness sex gives us. And he only lasts for less than 10 strokes, poor horny hubby. I don't like the feel of condoms, so now I have him take it out right before cumming and shoot off into a plastic cup he keeps next to him. He will pull it out and I will lend him a helping hand, he is never allowed to do this himself. He has learned that all of his pleasure comes from me, I will grant it to him at my whim. This way I don't get filled up and have a mess to deal with, and it also shows him that I will give him the pleasure he so much craves. More later, thanks for your effort in preparing this great site and for all the work you do updating it constantly.

Anonymous said...

Great post. Since I started reading your blog, I've been impressed, not only with your writing, but also with the frequency and duration of your entries. Many kudos.

This particular topic seems to hit close to home for many guys out there and I sympathize. I can't imagine how hard it must be to confess something so personal, even to a spouse. My boyfriend was terrified. This wasn't the sort of thing, in his mind, that macho jock types were *supposed* to want. He was afraid that I would lose respect for him, be turned off, or any number of crazy things. However, I can't imagine *any* woman not going for FLR once it's been properly explained. Sure, it runs sort of contrary to societal norms, but it offers so many benefits (better sex, more attentiveness, and communication) all the so-called pitfalls hardly feel like pitfalls at all.

Maybe it's a generational thing. My boyfriend introduced me to this dynamic a little under a year ago, but we've only recently finished college. I can see how a liberal-ish college girl might have an easier time adjusting to FLR, than, say, a conservative, 45-year-old who feels that female leadership is immoral.

Hopefully, that will change in the future. Having tasted the forbidden fruit, so to speak, I can't see myself ever going back. I'm sure that many women, of all backgrounds would feel the same way if they just opened their minds and gave it a chance.

Mark Remond said...

I am honored by the quality of these comments, and flattered by the nice things said. And what a coup to get husband-and-wife postings on topic, and actually used as mail drops for one another, for instance to let I WORSHIP HER that his "wait time for orgasms" will increase to 2 full months starting next year. These comments, all three of them, should certainly encourage husbands that a wife-governed marriage can be in their future, either by confessing all, or by proceeding in stealthy baby steps to begin serving her now. In fact, confessing all really should be proceeded by weeks of conscientous servitude and solicitude on behalf of one's wife.
And, by the way, these comments also energize me to continue in my own efforts toward more perfection submission to my wife, and to continue in posting to this blog. It would seem that it does provide a certain function in the FLR community.

Anonymous said...

A few blogs back you dealt with punishment. Well, I read all of the posts dealing with spanking, corner time and having him do extra housework. Well, I have the perfect punishment for my husband, one that he really hates--diaper time. About 2 years ago we were watching a CSI episode where a man was into being treated like a baby, right down to diapers. A prostitute took care of him, not his wife (although she knew of his fetish). I said to my husband if he would be into that also, and he was quite adamant that he had absolutely so interest. That's when the idea hit me. The next time he pissed me off, I told him he was to be punished. choice. Since our daughter was away at college, I did feel that it was time I started punishing my husband for annoying me. So after a week I told him that on Saturday and Sunday he should be ready. I went to a local store during the week and purchased a package of male diapers. On Saturday morning, I told him to shower and take care of all bathroom needs as he would not be using the toilet for awhile. He was confused, but at 8 am I told him to strip and lay on the bed. He was ready for something else he thought, and he was shocked when I took out a diaper and told him it was going on him. He protested a little, but I told him I was allowed to punish him whenever I felt, our agreement. I explained that he would get 4 changes a day including a fresh one at bedtime. I have since ordered rubber pants on line that he wears over the diaper. I have also added baby foods on weekends for him while he is in diapers, and make him drink from a toddlers cup. I eat regular food and I make him sit with me as I eat and he eats out of baby food jars. I do take him out shopping with me. He must tell me when he is about to pee in the diaper as I love to see his face. The first time I took him to Macy's, and before going, I made him drink alot of juice and water. I told him to put both of his hands on his hips prior to peeing if he couldn't tell me. Well, I was trying on a pair of shoes with the salesman and I could see my husband was struggling to hold it in. No use, his hands went on his hips as I ordered and he began to pee into his diaper. I thought I was going to climax I got so excited, there he was standing there (he may never sit while shopping) in the middle of Macy's peeing like a baby. Like I mentioned he now eats only baby foods during a punishment weekend, and must suffer with a wet diaper until he gets changed at 1pm, 5pm and 10pm. Then in the morning he may spend 1/2 hour in the bathroom showering and using the toilet. I don't want to clean a big mess, only wet ones. And then he lays on the bed and awaits me to slide the diaper under him, fasten it, and pull up his rubber pants. He hates that so much, now I know I found the perfect punishment for him.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous, please temper your conceit relative to 45 year old women. Some of us have been doing this D&S or FLR thing from when you were in... um, grade school... and look as good as Courtney Cox, Demi Moore when doing it with our studly younger, successful husbands. It won't be too long until you are 45. Best of luck.


Anonymous said...

In rereading my comment, I agree that it came off as smug. Sorry about that - no conceit intended.

The only basis for that comparison, really, was my childhood in a fairly conservative circle of women, and subsequent education at a liberal uni.

Oh yeah. And the fact that "immoral" is the pronouncement my 45-year-old mother would've leveled upon my relationship... if only she knew. :)

The comparison fits just as well the other way around. Some of my conservative friends would probably require extensive "stealthing" before they'd even *consider* the BDSM piece.

Not so for 40-something enthusiasts, I'm sure. Liberal or conservative, you ladies have balls.

Anonymous said...

My wife and I have read all of the comments posted about punishing your husband. I believe that she thought she was the only one who actually punished her husband, she just couldn't get an idea if her friends did also. Well, now those comments opened her eyes, there are many wives punishing their man, and not only by withholding sex. That topic really sparked a good response. We were saying how we are sure that the husband whose wife diapers him on a weekend and feeds him baby food as well as the husband who gets tied up for hours on a hook in his wifes closet, are probably the most well behaved men in the country. Those are two nasty punishments, who would want to piss off either of their wives.

Anonymous said...

Il semble que vous soyez un expert dans ce domaine, vos remarques sont tres interessantes, merci.

- Daniel

Anonymous said...

As the husband I am a little ashamed to admit I have this happen to me. After a few years of marriage my was unhappy with our sex life and started using my submissive side too please her self. She started with controlling my orgasms. This led to me doing everything around the house. Then one day a year or so after I could see she wasn't happy after we had sex. I am not well endowed by no means and am less than average, but not tiny. This is when she told me she wanted a bigger man just for her needs. I had secretly wanted to watch her have sex with other men but when I hinted she seemed not to be interested so I was shocked. I should not have been as I never brought her to a full orgasms with my penis sometimes finishing her with toys. This led to her finding a " bull" to satisfy her. The rule was she had to let me watch, he had to wear a condom as she still wanted to get pregnant by me, and I got to finish in her after he took her. Lastly she would be in control of me and I must fully submit to what the bull and her wanted in order to watch. I found this very hot and most times blew my load before I got to her and got two orgasms cause the second was in her. For most I watched and enjoyed when they were done. But after ten years I have found myself having to eat her for the bull or worse suck him to get him going for her. Others spanked me first and a couple even had never wear women's lingerie in order to watch. At worst one had me throw my underwear away and wear panties all the time and a night when I watched. He thankfully only lasted a few months. I always submitted cause the more they did to me the happier she was and more powerful orgasms she had. Reading about the guy getting diaper punished is why I am posting. After many years of trying she has not got pregnant and the doctors say nothing is wrong so she is blaming me cause like I said I usually shoot my load before I insert it in her only for that to be less intense. She recently went through many bulls a few months ago in a hurry. I had a lot of orgasms that month and was happy until she found this huge hung guy. She had so many orgasms with him the first night she was so tired and only let me enter her out of obligation. His next visit is when it went bad for me. I had never heard of diaper punishment or diaper loving people until that night. He came over with a couple other guys and I thought she was thinking of multiple men in one night. Boy was I wrong. They pinned me down, stripped my pants off and put me in the biggest cloth diapers and plastic pants I had ever seen. She was so wet by the time they finished you could see the wet spot on her jeans and he informed me if I was going to watch I would be in diapers when he is around and have been since. Worst of all he makes me wear a condom when I enter her now and he doesn't.