Saturday, October 3, 2009
Whispering the 'P' Word, Part 3
As promised, I have about enough for a final posting on the hot-button topic of punishment within a wife-led marriage. I begin with what many wives consider the bottom-line rationale for taking hubby in tow, from time to time:
Punishment as “Reminder”
Some wife-administered punishments, whether gentle or firm, are designed to remind the male, from time to time or perhaps on a daily basis, of his subordinate position in the relationship, and the power imbalance in favor of the woman.
Sometimes it’s just a reminder that there is an agreement in place, a female-led arrangement, and that there are consequences for failure to comply with that agreement. To wit:
“I knew that my husband would need frequent reminders of his new role in our house. The hairbrush merely reinforces my rule as the head of our household.”
Such a session, apparently, is not intended to be erotic. Indeed, it can become tedious, as FLR couples counselor Paige Harrison explains: “I do believe in discipline and I use a variety of disciplinary techniques to remind my husband of who is in charge. This is important. But what you also must recognize is that a disciplinary approach can become tedious and for some women it is just not fun.”
Tedious but necessary, according to this husband whose spouse is a member in good standing of the Disciplinary Wives Club: “My wife feels that if I have not received a sound spanking for a couple of weeks, I need a reminder of who sets the rules.”
One husband receives such a “reminder” as a wake-up call every morning when he and his wife are traveling—“because my mood changes and I am not as attentive to her when we travel. I may be looking around, etc., and not helping the way I should.” The morning session “solves that problem,” he adds. “All I can say is it works.”
Another husband holds identical views: “Corporal punishment on a regular basis does wonders for our communication & makes me more attentive to her & helps keep me focused on her. She keeps me in line & my life is one of total devotion & service to her.”
Might such testimonials from spanked husbands persuade a few reluctant wives to roll up their sleeves, and even roll down hubby’s trousers?
This wife certainly believes in a hands-on solution to marital management: “I am firmly of the opinion that a male with a perpetually sore bottom has a constant reminder of the need to always do his best.”
Obviously, while wife-imposed, even this form of not-so-gentle reminder is administered by prior agreement of both parties, Mrs. And Mr. And often, it is the husband who has recognized the need for periodic no-nonsense reminders. I’ll start with VeezKnight, who blogs so insightfully at Wife-Led Marriage:
“Most, if not all, submissive men need and want to be disciplined. This is to say they want to be physically reminded of their submissive role in the relationship. The reminders may or may not involve the infliction of pain, but for some reason, a man generally enjoys enduring physical pain at the hand of a woman he loves.”
This husband goes even farther, from endurance to apparent enjoyment of harsh wifely reminders: “The marks I carry today are priceless reminders of my love for her and my dedication to her. Plus, I find carrying such reminders around to be very erotic.”
Reminder spanking are sometimes referred to as “maintenance spankings,” as this wife explains: “Personally, I think that a 'maintenance spanking' can, for some relationships, be as beneficial as orgasm control. In such cases no punishment need to have been earned.”
The practice is fairly widespread among female led relationships, at least judging by the candid testimony of these next husbands:
“My weekly behavior is reviewed regularly each week, usually on Saturday mornings. If my behavior has been acceptable for the past week, I am given just a reminder spanking of between five and twenty-five swats with the paddle as a reminder of who is the boss and to behave for the coming week. This has worked very effectively for us.”
“I do get a weekly maintenance spanking and punishment spankings whenever my wife feels I need it. I love her very much and wouldn't have it any other way now. I don't always think that way during the spanking, but after it's over and I do my corner time, I give my wife a hug and tell her how much I love her.”
“My wife can sense when my behavior is gradually getting less satisfactory. So she takes preventive measures. She calls those non-punishment sessions ‘maintenance spankings,’ and for me it really works.”
“After several years now, I am very obedient and compliant, do all my chores on time and to my wife’s satisfaction. Therefore, I rarely merit actual punishment. Instead, I receive regular maintenance training with whatever instrument she chooses. Afterward, I feel cleansed and refreshed so that that I can continue to serves my wonderful lady wife.”
“I envision a maintenance spanking as a ritual that allows your wife to express any built-up frustration at you that she may have been hiding so you can learn what's bugging her and feel the expression of her displeasure, as well as reinforcing her position of authority over you and your closeness with a non-sexual but intimate activity.”
Maintenance spanking is really discipline, as distinct from punishment, again according to blogger Veez Knight: “Discipline, by definition is on-going, and is routine-oriented in that it is recurs regularly. It is used to establish and maintain awareness of a specific set of rules. Punishment on the other hand involves action taken as retribution for infractions against established rules. It is dealt out as a consequence for specific, unacceptable behavior. As such, it should generally be more severe than discipline…”
Punishment as “Flip Side” of Nurturing
Throughout these “P” Word blogposts, I have relied on other voices, because, I reiterate, none of this is a part of my own marriage. My wife leads be example, by hint, by directive when necessary, but never by coercion.
But I don’t knock it for others, and, indeed, aspects of it I find daydream-worthy. And I can certainly agree with the on-topic insights of LFA advocate and psychologist Elise Sutton:
“Men need both the punisher and the nurturer. Most little boys were punished by their mothers but then also held and loved by the same woman who just disciplined them. Most men still long for that feeling. Love and punishment go hand and hand, as nurturing and discipline are the flip sides of the same coin of love. A man longs for both from the loving female… After he has suffered for you, he longs to be loved and nurtured by you. This process brings him inner peace and tranquility. He is a very lucky man because lots of men are seeking this from the woman they love but few get to experience it.”
In fact, before offering this analysis, Mme. Sutton cites an example of the husband-nurturing aspect of punishment from one of her female correspondents:
“One thing I have noticed is that [my husband] apologizes after the punishment and he usually wants to nurse on my breasts. After he undresses me I unhook the cups and allow him to suck while I hold him. He really seems to appreciate this. Since I have taken discipline to a new level, his behavior is even better… I find that if I am harsh when warranted, it has a lasting effect on him. He seems to be much more attentive to my needs and feelings.”
There seems to be an overwhelming consensus among punitive practitioners that, properly and lovingly applied, these domestic rituals indeed bring couples closer—e.g., “[Punishment] taught me that she cares.” It helps wives stop storing up resentments. The husband’s shortcomings are addressed as they occur, the air is cleared, and the husband feels himself being placed back on the right track.
“I see spanking as an act of loving correction,” a wife says in this spirit, “an action agreed by both parties as necessary for both parties to move on from something that was wrong.”
Left to his own devices, he knows he is prone to succumb to a whole array of temptations that will could displease his wife and weaken his marriage, or at least undermine the loving female authority aspect of the marriage. In the words of the Lord’s prayer, he is being led away from temptation and delivered from evil, or the temptation thereto.
But again, from the outside looking in, let me call on a regularly punished husband (cybernamed “Brad”) for a penultimate word on this topic:
“In my opinion, corporal punishment serves three purposes. First, it hurts and that is a form of punishment. Second it ‘cleanses’ away the deed that he did to deserve the punishment. Third, the pain that he carries with him serves as a reminder to him of what is expected and what you can and will do to him. That's it, plain and simple. My wife and I don't consider correction cruel. She will tell me that she is sorry that she has to do this to me. But I want to live in a female-led relationship, and we both know that a ‘You did not do this chore well’ does not work.”
The final word comes from another recipient of frequent wifely corrections: “Do I fear my wife?” he asks. “What sentient male does not?”
End of Third and Final Part