Monday, April 26, 2010
Revisiting Vivian’s Domain, Part 7
(This installment concludes my archival republishing of sections of “Vivian’s Domain,” an FLR website originally hosted on Geocities.com.—MR)
The great thing about sex in a marriage that includes Domestic Discipline is that it gets better in whatever way you want it to. Think about your sexual fantasies, the things you've never told your husband about for fear of what he'd think of you or for fear that he'd either reject you or the idea. Now you have the freedom to let your husband know what you want in sex without fear. You have that freedom because of his vulnerability.
Think about it. He has just allowed himself to be bare-bottomed spanked by you, you have humiliated him, restricted his access to his own genitals, and he is kneeling naked before you begging for an orgasm. Do you think anything you tell him about your sexual desires is going to sound “too weird” for him? I don't think so! When it comes to sex you can have whatever you want no matter what your preferred styles of sex are. Let me give you a few examples.
I am a natural for Domestic Discipline because I enjoy having and using sexual power. I get a thrill from sexually dominating my husband. I enjoy forcing his face into my crotch for oral sex. I enjoy being on top during intercourse, talking to him, warning him about what will happen if he cums before I've said he may. When we roll over, I enjoy the way he winces and whines when I use my riding crop to reinforce my directions that he speed up or slow down. My husband, of course, enjoys these things too. I also enjoy punishing him when he has not performed to my standards. We are a perfect fit in this regard.
My Friend Susan
When it comes to sexual enjoyment and ingrained fantasies, Susan is the opposite. She wants to be dominated in bed. She wants her man to be strong and forceful in sex. She likes to resist a little and be gently but convincingly overpowered. She enjoys being playfully spanked herself during foreplay. One may think it difficult for her to be dominant in Domestic Discipline and submissive in sex. In fact, it works out very well for her.
After a disciplinary session, Susan tells her husband what she wants from him in sex and that certain privileges, rewards and punishments will be tied to his performance. Susan had been married 15 years before discovering Domestic Discipline. In all those years she had never been able to tell her husband what she wanted in sex for fear of embarrassment or rejection.
Once she had made him totally vulnerable to her in Domestic Discipline, she was able to tell him without such fears. He was delighted to find out how to please her better. She tells me her sex life is 100 times better than it ever has been. She gets her playful spankings during foreplay and he gets his serious spankings during disciplinary sessions. It works out wonderfully. She has even come to enjoy the power she feels when disciplining him and laying down the law and looks forward to disciplinary sessions.
My Friend Carol
Carol is more conventional in bed. She wants her man to woo her with romance, flowers, candlelight dinners, and long, luxurious foreplay. She wants her man's undivided attention during sex, wants him gazing into her eyes and telling her how beautiful she is and how much he loves and cherishes her. That is how sex was for her during her first year of marriage. Over the following eleven years it changed. It became mechanical, boring and void of passion.
Like Susan, once Carol initiated Domestic Discipine with her husband she was able to tell him what she wanted and he had the energy and motivation to give it to her. Her sex life also dramatically improved and continues getting better.
Another factor that improves sex is control over ejaculation. The most common male sexual dysfunction is premature ejaculation. The ejaculatory control achieved through Domestic Discpline lengthens his staying power which makes him more confident in sex and increases your satisfaction tremendously. If his problem is that he takes too long to ejaculate, that is easily handled also. Once you are in the habit of denying him orgasms, it is easy to stop intercourse when it ceases to be pleasurable to you.
So you see, it doesn't matter how you like it, it will get better. You may be like Susan or Carol or me, or you may have a little of all of us in you. Domestic Discipline is not about spending hours dripping hot wax on your husband or hanging him from the ceiling in chains. That's S&M. If you enjoy that you can do it, but you need not. Domestic Discipline crashes through his male ego and establishes his vulnerability. Once that has been done, the barriers to intimacy are gone and the possibilities are endless.
Frequently Asked Questions
What follows are examples of some of questions I have been most frequently asked by women over the past couple of years and my responses. This entire website is actually one big answer to frequently asked questions, but this section deals with a few that I felt needed a little more explanation.
Dear Vivian, While I am intrigued by this idea of punishing my husband and controlling his orgasms, it feels confusing and self-contradictory. On the one hand, it seems as if you are saying that I should put my husband over my knee and spank him because he really wants me to (that he gets a sexual thrill out of that) and on the other hand you're telling me to do this because he doesn't want me to (that he will change his behavior in order to avoid a spanking). I don't get it. If he wants me to do these things to him, then it seems I should only do that when he has behaved well -- as a reward. If he really wants me to deny him orgasms (that really turns him on) then I should do that as a reward rather than as a punishment. Right???
This question goes to the heart of Domestic Discipline. It is a paradox and can only be understood as such. It is as complex as it is simple. It has to do with the difference between fantasy and reality. For the most part our fantasies are such that we'd really like them to take place in reality. Sexual fantasies are another matter. While some of our sexual fantasies involve things we wholeheartedly want to happen, some involve things we'd really not like to happen in real life. I remember a crush I had on a teacher in high school. I had a dream one night that I was standing in front of him in his classroom wearing only my bra and panties. For months I fantasized about that. Did I really want that situation to take place? NO. It would have been humiliating for me at that time. Did the thought really turn me on? Definitely.
This is true because of the vulnerability inherent in sex. Your husband wants to be vulnerable to you. Your husband is afraid of being vulnerable to you. Your husband wants you to control him. Your husband fears being controlled by you. Your husband wants the feeling of being scolded and spanked by a strong woman. After a couple of stinging slaps to his buttocks, he does not want to be spanked further.
The fact is that he needs to accept a couple of things about marriage. ONE: that he cannot live in a marriage as if her were a bachelor -- doing what he wants when he wants. TWO: that he needs to be vulnerable to you in order to have a truly intimate relationship.
Domestic Discipline meets those needs in the only way he can fully accept. He can accept it because it uses a deeply ingrained sexual fantasy to achieve its end. When a wife attempts to control her husband without indulging this fantasy, he resents and resists her. When she controls him by accessing this fantasy, he appreciates and cooperates with her.
That said, it should be noted that there are a small percentage of men who really do enjoy the actual punishment. The more heavily masochistic man will enjoy being spanked no matter how hard you spank him. You will know your husband falls into this category if his behavior deteriorates after you initiate Domestic Discipline. While all men will test limits at times and seem to provoke discipline occasionally, you will probably find that your husband is very careful not to provoke a spanking for at least a week or so after a good hard one. They do forget how painful spankings are sometimes and need periodic reminders, but the heavily masochistic man will seem to be "asking for it" almost constantly. If your husband is like that you are better off considering the spanking to be a reward and spell out the things he needs to do in order to earn one. Most men, however, do not fall into that category.
Dear Vivian, As I read your website I got the message that Domestic Discipline is a favor or gift I can give my husband. That part of it appeals to me as does the behavioral change that you say will take place in him. It does seem, though, that I'd need to be mean to him in order to do this. I'm not a mean person and do not enjoy the thought of being mean to my husband (I have a hard enough time when I have to punish my children). Do I have to be mean in order to do this?
This question also gets to the heart of things. While it is a good idea to have a sense of humor about all of this and to let him see that you find this humorous at times, there are times when you must be or appear to be very serious, very strict and very firm. If you seem to be in the humor mode all of the time, he will get the sense that you are not really in control and he will only cooperate when he feels like it. Once he gets into that habit, the positive effects of Domestic Discipline get lost.
During scoldings and/or disciplinary sessions it is important to be strict, firm and maybe even a little bit mean at times. I know this is hard for some women. That is why I suggest thinking of yourself as role-playing when it is time to administer an effective punishment or scolding. It is also why I recommend that you require your husband to thank you after he has been punished; it reinforces your sense that you have done him a favor and relieves you of the uncomfortable feeling that you may have been cold or uncaring.
Every woman, no matter how meek and mild, has the following things inside her:
A) Anger -- general and specific
B) Resentment at the things men think they can get away with
C) An impatience with bratty, immature behaviors, and
D) A need to feel in control
I suggest tapping into and giving vent to these feelings when your husband needs to be disciplined. After the discipline has been administered, you can move back into your warm, loving persona.
Dear Vivian, I love my husband and do enjoy spending quality time on sex, but I'm a busy woman with a career and three kids. It seems that this program of Domestic Discipline would take a lot of my time and attention in order to be done right. I don't think I have the time to treat my husband as if he were another dependent in the house.
One of the best things about Domestic Discipline is the effect it has on your workload and your worries. This is a way to finally get your husband to do his share of work around the house and maybe a little bit of your share also to make up for the years you were doing most of his share. You gain tons of time and give very little. Think of what you could be doing with your time while he's doing the dishes, making dinner, doing the laundry and cleaning the house.
You will need to give him a different kind of attention than you're probably used to (a kind of attention that is fun to give), but it is probably not an increase in attention. You will find in Domestic Discipline that you will receive that attention back tenfold (which is far superior to the 15% or 20% that most women usually receive back from their husbands). Let me be more specific here.
In Domestic Discipline you need to show your awareness of your husband's sexual situation and his behaviors more often than you probably do now. This is not time-consuming, however. At least once a day you will want to draw your husband's attention to his sexual need for you. This can take as little or as much time as you like. Simply patting his crotch, reminding him not to masturbate, or having him present an erection to you can do it. If you have him wearing a chastity device, it may take 5 minutes or so to remove it, stimulate him and put it back on. But that's all that's necessary on those busy days. What will he be doing on those busy days in return for those few moments of attention? The dishes, the laundry, the vacuuming. Have you lost time? I don't think so.
On those days that he requires a serious session of discipline (which should not occur more than once every couple of weeks unless you want them more often), you may need to spend a couple of hours or more on his discipline. You can schedule this time and make it very enjoyable for you even if you don't enjoy actually administering the punishment as much as I do. When you schedule the punishment in advance you give him a few days to be nervous about it and you can have him plan to fix a nice dinner for you that evening. In order to minimize the severity of the punishment he will try to make it as tasty and relaxing a dinner as possible for you. After dinner you can have him do the dishes while you leisurely digest. Then you begin the punishment scene.
After the punishment scene you may or may not want sex. It's up to you. Either way he will want to show some affection to you (it's a natural submissive reaction) during the reconciliation phase. If you don't want sex you may have him give you a backrub or whatever. Remember that sex in this relationship need not include any release on his part so it can always take only the amount of time that you find enjoyable. For every two minutes you spend teasing him you get 20 minutes of ecstasy and satisfaction. It's a no-brainer!
And think of all the time you spend arguing with your husband. Domestic Discipline cuts this time by about 75%. Most arguments never get off the ground because now there is an authoritative presence in the situation -- YOU! When the two of you do argue he will be more careful about how he behaves during the argument if he knows that being excessively argumentative will earn him a punishment or a further delay of sexual release. The arguments you do have will not take as much time because he can be reminded at any time how he is to treat you.
All combined, you save at least threefold the time you invest in Domestic Disciline and you have a happier marriage to boot.
Dear Vivian, Isn't this all just a little bit sick? Or maybe a lot sick?
No, it is not! I include this question because it is a common first reaction of many women when approached with the idea of Domestic Discipline. Even if the idea sounds and feels appealing to a woman, the popular notion that power exchange in sexual relationships is the stuff of serial killers and perverts causes her to reject Domestic Discipline as sick or weird. The fact is that there is nothing sick or weird about it. Power will always be a part of our sexual psyche no matter how much we try to deny it.
Although I haven't found the issue of Domestic Discipline specifically dealt with by mainstream sex advice experts, I have seen issues of sexual dominance and submission addressed by such experts. It is generally agreed that there is nothing sick or perverse in a sexual psyche that is excited by power --whether exerting it or having it exerted upon one. It is known that the centers in the brain having to do with fear, anxiety and arousal are very close to one another. This neurology is probably what is responsible for the link between domination and sexual arousal.
Dear Vivian, There is a lot about this idea that appeals to me. The problem I see with it is that it feels as if my husband is reduced, in this scenario, to a weakling. I have a great deal of respect for my husband and I like feeling that way about him. I like to feel that my husband is strong and capable, not weak and immature.
Understood. I think most women are like you in this regard. I do not want a weakling or an immature child as a husband. I want a man I can be proud of. In a sense that is what Domestic Discipline (DD) is all about. We do not close our eyes to our husband’s weaknesses in order to maintain our feelings of respect for him. We deal with those weaknesses in order to make him worthy of or respect. DD is not about establishing a mother/child relationship (though the practice is sometimes referred to as "maternal discipline"). It is more like a Queen/knight relationship -- especially in public -- and like having a servant when you want one in private.
Our knights in shining armor, however, do not always behave in ways that make them worthy of the title. We make them worthy. The things your husband goes through in DD he endures for you -- his Queen. When he endures the restraint of chastity he endures it for you. When he endures the pain of corporal punishment he does so for you. When he endures the humiliation of his situation he humbles himself for you. When your friends and family see how he treats you they will envy the strength and civility your husband displays. They will only know, unless you tell them otherwise, that your husband treats you the way they wish their husbands treated them.
You will find that your husband is better able to control himself once you have begun DD. He will think better of himself for this improvement. If physical strength and attractiveness would raise him in your estimation, build exercise into your DD plan. Most men do not exercise regularly and would not only look better and be more capable, but would feel better about themselves if they did. DD improves him. It does not diminish him. Your respect for him will grow to new heights using Domestic Discipline.
Dear Vivian, I have been practicing Domestic Discipline for seven months now and they have been the best months of my 11-year marriage. I have not, however, gone for the public humiliation aspect that you seem to advocate for three reasons. The first is that I think it would be dangerous to go to the mall and take my husband's pants down and spank him. We'd probably be arrested. The second is that I think I would probably be as embarrassed as he would be if our friends knew about this aspect of our relationship. To me it's a private matter. Thirdly, I think he would cease cooperating with me if I violated his privacy in this way.
You say that humiliation is an important element in Domestic Discipline. DD seems to be working just fine for me without it. Is it really necessary?
If your relationship ain't broken, I'm not going to advise you to fix it. I will take this opportunity to more clearly state my position on humiliation.
Humiliation is a central part of his DD experience even in a relationship such as yours. He is embarrassed in front of you when he is being punished. The question in DD is not whether or not humiliation is a tool, the question is how far a wife can safely go in using it. I'll address each of your three objections separately.
1) I do not advocate giving your husband a bare-bottomed spanking at the mall (though the idea sounds fun to me). I do not feel like getting my husband or myself arrested. I have used public places, however, to punish my husband. One of the most effective is having him go shopping with me and making him stand in the corner of a store, facing the corner. As I shop I can glance over and see the back of his neck turning red as he feels the eyes of customers and employees on him. When a salesperson asks him if she can help him and he has to somehow explain himself, his embarrassment is exquisite.
A safe way of using embarrassment/humiliation is another Victorian practice known as petticoating. Simply put, this involves requiring a male to wear feminine or ridiculous clothing. One subtle petticoating practice I use is to make my husband wear only pantyhose under his pants without socks or underwear. He is aware that it is possible for others to see his ankles if he sits in a certain way. This, along with the unusual feeling of the pantyhose around his hips keeps his thoughts centered on me and keeps his behavior in check.
Less subtle and more effective punitive practices involve making him wear clearly feminine or ridiculous outer garments such a dress. Just take him out to a discount clothing store or even a Salvation Army or Goodwill store and buy a couple of silly looking dresses and an apron or two that fit him. He can be made to wear them around the house when the two of you are alone or, for more serious offenses, when you have female company over to see him in his state of embarrassment. When extreme humiliation punishment is required, he can be made to wear a dress in a public place, such as a mall. This provides excruciating embarrassment without concerns about indecency.
That is, primarily, the kind of public humiliation I use. I may pull him by the ear in public to remind him of his manners or give his tush a playful spank in public, but I do not expose him in unseemly or illegal ways in public. I do put him in precarious positions for the fun of it. Once while on vacation I made him earn his orgasm by locking him out of our cabin without his clothes and telling him he would not be let in until he was wet. That meant he had to sneak a couple hundred yards in the cover of darkness to the beach and skinny dip before getting back in. The risk was there, but it was minimal. Even if he would have been seen it wouldn't have been by children or the police or anyone that knew him.
2) About being embarrassed yourself if others knew of your DD relationship. Your privacy is important and you are right to protect it. I protect mine. As you may have guessed already, my name is not really Vivian. Until the day arrives that DD is understood and accepted for what it is I will stay "Vivian." At the same time I do work toward that day by informing people via this website and through my advice service and I have "evangelized" a couple of my close friends. I have also demonstrated, with my husband, some techniques and products at a kind of Tupperware Party for Domestic Discipline. But I did that out of my home state and under the pseudonym of Vivian.
Someday I hope DD will be more accepted. Until that day I agree that we practitioners need to be jealous of our privacy.
(End of “Vivian’s Domain” "homage" & reprint.—MR)