Friday, June 4, 2010

The Secret Brotherhood, Part 1

"Oh aren't you proud to be
In that fraternity,
The great big Brotherhood of Man?"
—Frank Loesser, “Brotherhood of Man,”
from How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying

Do secret societies exist outside the fanciful plots of Dan Brown? Well, I know of at least one, because I belong to it. It’s pretty secret. Unlike the Illuminati or the ancient Freemasons, Hollywood hasn’t made a movie about us. Maybe because the members of this super-esoteric brotherhood don’t plot the overthrow of anything, don’t dress up in silly costumes, don’t have secret recognition signals (or, if they do, I missed the memo); they don’t hold conventions, conclaves or covens. They don’t seem to meet at all, except in cyberspace.

I’m talking about the secret fraternity of submissive males—in particular the sub-husband chapter thereof.

It’s a huge cohort, I’m convinced. Maybe, all these years post-Gay Liberation, we’re the largest collection of guys still closeted and fearful of being outed.

Before the miraculous advent of the World Wide Web, who could have guessed at our number? Each potential member must have assumed he was uniquely deviant in his submissive-to-the-opposite-sex yearnings. Now we are discovering that we are part of a great submissive beta-male tribe, at least a statistical subset of normalcy.

Is it safe to come out of the closet? Hardly. Even those of us who blog about our desire to be female-led usually hide behind cyber-monikers. Like “Mark Remond,” or “John,” the admirable fellow who subtitles his blog, “I’m SubmissiveProud."

I doubt we could muster many foot soldiers of our hidden army to march down Fifth Avenue, say, under a banner proclaiming “Submale Pride” or “Henpecked, Pusywhipped & Proud of It!”

Yet, like gayfolk or other sub-rosa groups, we submissive guys yearn to be socially accepted. By our wives, first and foremost, of course, but also by society. We’re not militant about it—not docile us!—but wouldn’t it be awfully nice to stop hiding who we really are from everyone, including, often, ourselves?

As one submissive husband put it eloquently: “Closets are for clothes, not relationships.”

And another: “To have this special relationship that I have with my wife gives me a sense of pride. It's like our own little secret. But even though most people would consider this lifestyle to be deviant and twisted, I see it as a beautiful, totally normal thing, and therefore I don't have to be ashamed of it at all.”

So we even hide our pride, and shame prevails. We know too well the buckets of contempt waiting to be dumped on us, not only by other guys (many of them perhaps “latent” or “repressed” submissives themselves), but by too many women. We dare not reveal what we do, or dream of doing, behind closed doors. Yes, behind the bedroom door, but also in the kitchen, bathroom, and laundry room.

Sure, it’s acceptable for a guy to moon over a girl he’s courting, or make a romantic fool of himself as honeymooner or newlywed. But what about some long-married guy who fold his wife’s nightgown, warms her bath towels, paints her toenails?

We of the Secret Brotherhood may not practice the only love that dare not speak its name, but we’re definitely in the non-conversation. In fact, our married members often agonize for years before revealing our submissive side to our own wives. How or when or if to do so remains a perennial topic on our clandestine message boards, which serve as a virtual support group of wife-led husbands alongside those who wannabe.

I don’t mean this to sound tongue-in-cheek. Without the friendship and encouragement of my secret submissive brothers, via Internet groups or message boards and emails, I would not have been able to persevere and eventually succeed in my second courtship of my wife and win her heart anew.

In a follow-on post, I'd like to share a few testimonials from other husbands who have been helped by their secret brothers.

As one of my pseudonymous mentors, “fdhousehusband,” put it: “We are all in this together.”


Anonymous said...

What ever happened to fdhousehusband anyway? Does anyone know?

Mark Remond said...

Anonymous, last I heard, a few months ago, "fd" was fine, just on an extended hiatus from any online activity under that name. I don't know if he intends to resume, but I sure hope so!

slave2Catwoman said...

I am not ashamed, and I don't hide in the closet. On the other hand, I see no need to hold parades, either. People who can put two and two together know that I am Ms. Catwoman's slave. My public displays of servitude are obvious but not overly kinky or inappropriate.

whatevershesays said...

anyone with even the slightest bit of common sense knows that ENJOY it and serving her.

And I really don't care who knows.

Mark Remond said...

These are encouraging comments from slave2Catwoman and whatevershesays. Female-Led and Proud of It, I can defniitely get behind that banner.

Anonymous said...

Indeed where is fshousehusband.His tips for the submissive male were genius and his attitude exemplary.I miss his writings very much.

Anonymous said...

Yes what did happen to fdhousehusband.It looks more terminal than people think.I liked his expereince so very much and was grateful that he imparted his knowledge and wisdom and that of his exulted Wife.

The handy hints for submissives were fantastic.

Mark Remond said...

femsup, your heartfelt appreciation of fd's writings and outreach to fellow submissives is very much how I feel, and I hope that we may benefit from his online insights and encouragement in the future. Perhaps he may read your comments. I for one am optimistic... but it may not be tomorrow or the next day.

Anonymous said...

If you want to see fdhousehusband's blog, which is closed, you can find most of it on the wayback machine:

then type in:

The first couple of dates will be blank, go to the third date. If you keep clicking on the previous posts on the right you can read most of the blog, but some not there.

Mark Remond said...

Anonymous, thank you so much! I knew about the Wayback machine, but wrongly assumed that fd's old postings would not be archived there. What a trove! I found a lot of postings that I had missed, including some of his Key Insights for Successful Submissives (KISS). Again, thanks!

BOB said...

MR Remond
I dont know if you have already read it. But you might be interested in the current July/August edition of the Atlantic Monthly magazine.

Its cover story is called
"The End of Men :
How women are taking control of everything"

The article discusses the changing statuses of women and men.And the fact that women outnumber men at most colleges.

I thought that i would mention it since it seemed like something that you would find interesting.

But i do think that articles like that do slightly undercut your arguement that submisive men are somehow "in the closet", so to speak.

Most people dont discuss or flaunt thier sex lives , be they kinky or vanilla. And if a man is into S&M i imagine that most men would keep that to themselves.

But i think that due to the quickly changing status of women in society more and more men are likly to be the one to do the housework,cooking,laundry ,ect in a marriage. And most women have always called the shots in marriages. now they are just a lot less subtle and more likly to flaunt thier power.

I think that there are a lot more dominant women and submissive men then you might think. They may not engage in "kinky" sex practices. But as you have made clear yourself on this blog , a woman can be dominant without dressing up as a dominatrix.

I would be interested in your thoughts about the Atlantic Monthly article. The Atlantic Monthly is online if you dont feel like buying a copy

Mark Remond said...

Bob, thanks, I had not seen that article. I just clipped it and forwarded it to my wife. If "war is not the answer," maybe "women are." A bumpersticker?