Wednesday, July 17, 2013


(Note from Mark Remond: I join a great many of my readers in lamenting the recent departure of Ms. Amanda from these pages and in hoping she will find it possible to return. In the aftermath, I have been scrambling to recruit other guest bloggers, especially women. More on this soon. Meanwhile I am happy to tell you that "Sam" will be posting again shortly, and I am delighted today to announce what I hope will be an ongoing series of guest posts by "alpha_by_day," describing his own lifelong search for a female-led relationship. Those intrigued can find more about his submissive quest on his own blog, My Journey Into FLR.)

Hello. I’m honored to become a guest blogger here. I’m going to be checking in from time to time with updates on my search for a female-led relationship.

In my quest for information about FLRs, I found this blog a few months ago and just love it! I’m really quite excited that Mark is allowing me the opportunity to chronicle my journey.

I guess I should start with a little background…

There have been so many different “me’s” in my life. So
many head-spinning course corrections, so many mistakes and triumphs, so many proverbial skinned knees; and yet through it all, still so much for which to be thankful. If balance can be defined as the average of all movements, if extreme flailing in one direction can be balanced by running as fast and hard as possible in the exact opposite direction, then I’d say I have maintained a balanced life.

But that isn’t really true, is it? Balance isn’t a calculus equation whereby two opposing values cancel each other out, regardless of magnitude. Balance is discipline and focus. It’s equilibrium and atonement within the complex circumstances of our lives. Balance is about subtle shifts, a nudge, a minor adjustment to keep us from tipping over.

For most of my life, I’ve been a workaholic, and that singular focus has served me well. I’m good at what I do, I enjoy my career, and my future seems bright. What I realized a few years ago, however, is that I’ve started to define success differently. While I’ll certainly continue to push for greater achievements professionally, I recognize that I need balance. To put it plainly, I need someone with whom to share that success.

But here I come up against a contradiction of long standing. Professionally, I have always been 100% alpha. I’m a natural leader and very comfortable in that role. Personally, however, I have always—literally always (as I’ll discuss in future posts)—harbored submissive desires toward women, though (until quite recently) I’ve found scant opportunity to act on these desires.

How to reconcile that contradiction? Could I ignore the submissive me and be the  alpha me, all the time?

Well, I tried that. I decided that, despite my submissive
desires, a long-term “D/s” (dominant female/submissive male) relationship wasn’t realistic, and I forced myself to go vanilla “cold turkey” so to speak. It was my hope that, within the framework of a vanilla relationship, I could find sufficient outlets for my submission. And even if I couldn’t, it was more important to me to find a long-term loving relationship than it was to live out my submissive fantasies.

I believe that’s the kind of compromise that many submissive guys are forced to make.

Looking back to that decision, or compromise, I find it ironic to think that I grew up in a female-led household, and yet didn’t recognize the difference between a D/s relationship and loving female authority. Call it naivete, call it Internet-kink-inspired ignorance, but regardless, I didn’t see what was sitting right in front of me. And what’s worse is that I tried to consciously ignore feelings I’ve held inside me for my entire life.  

So off I went on a full-scale assault on vanilla dating.

It was great—heck, I love vanilla. Let’s face it, being single in Southern California is pretty amazing. In one sense, all of the great dinners, great wine and great conversations helped me find some balance in my life and enabled me to break the workaholic streak.

I also learned an important lesson about myself, one that has, again ironically, led me inexorably to this point. I realized that I love being a gentleman. I like to bring flowers and hold open doors, to be well mannered, kind, considerate, honest, punctual, to follow through on commitments, always to put her first and do little things to make her day a little brighter. And that’s when it hit me…

Being a gentleman and being submissive seem to have a lot of parallels.

This revelation fueled my fire even more. Being a gentleman
in a vanilla relationship is a perfect outlet for my submissive desires. I can be my alpha self and still put her first and have the best of both worlds. It was around this time that I stumbled upon the “strong but obedient knight” analogy and immediately tried to incorporate that concept, at least to the extent possible in a vanilla relationship.

And yet, through all of my doting, courtly behavior and thoughtful gestures, I began to realize that it was a fa├žade; and so, after all of these attempts at melding my submissive and alpha selves, I’m back where I started trying to find the real me.

Someone I have come to regard as perhaps my closest friend on this journey made a great analogy that seems quite apropos. She said that coming out as a submissive man is, in many ways, like coming out as gay in that you feel the same peace inside once you accept yourself. To live authentically is to know yourself, and that enables you to find happiness.

Now a topic I am likely to explore in future posts is this notion of what is a submissive man, because to tell you the truth, I am still wrestling with the "S" word as it applies (or does not) to me.

I guess in the end, a duck doesn’t know he’s a duck, he only knows he floats and flies.



Wishful4 said...

Your post really struck a cord with me. During my working years, I was an "alpha" in command coupled with the fact I worked away from home as well. So it really was like I lived two separate lives. My "at work" life, then coming home where my wife ran the household(by necessity since I was gone), handled the finances, and raised the kids. Now everything is topsy turvy. I took an early retirement, am home 24/7 with my spouse and this submissive thing is rearing it's head. My spouse says I have always been submissive in the bedroom, but why have we never explored it outside? I guess because I felt somewhat like a guest in my own home between work assignments. Now I have become comfortable with being submissive and we have explored chastity, as well, but I still feel I want more. I look forward to reading about your discoveries as I discover on my on. Welcome to the blog!

alpha_by_day said...

Thank you, Wishful4. I look forward to sharing some of my journey here and learning from those with more experience as we go. I'm truly impressed by those who have found 'the balance' within the context of a loving, sustainable relationship. I aspire to it.

Anonymous said...

Wow! It's sure very nice to see activity in this blog again! I don't know when to check anymore since Ms. Amanda left us and then it was empty for a while.

Well, you get a lot of respect for posting, thanks!

I find that there are a lot of problems with being a sub, especially when many of the Women around subs specifically want something vanilla or even opposite-Femdom (don't even want to mention the word). IT IS hard! But I think one of the great things is that it's changing. Before people didn't even know what BDSM is... now it's more in the open.


Mark Remond said...

Alex, and others 00
Stay tuned to this space. There will be a new post tomorrow, I reckon...

Anonymous said...


Mike said...

Alex, thanks so much. It is my great pleasure to guest post here. I continue to learn so much from past posts on this blog. As a newbie, it is truly encouraging to see so many like-minded folks and learn from those living the lifestyle.

Anonymous said...

As a single, non-Pro dominant woman, I have spent years searching for a male "Alpha by day" (only) type, who willingly chooses to serve and submit to me by night. That's been a long time motto of mine as well.

However, trying to find one who is geographically and physically desirable has been a greater challenge. You still have to match up on the vanilla/every day common interests side of things, prior to layering on the FLR icing!

I've participated online for years with other FLR sites, but none of them really cater to the dating/matching up side of things.

So, eventually I hope to be able to change that myself!

~ A Hopeful FLR Lady ~

alpha_by_day said...

@Hopeful, I can very much relate to your search. Finding sustainable love is challenging enough, the FLR element adds a bit more complexity. I have no dobut that several of my previous vanilla relationships could have culminated in marriage but the absence of the female-led dynamic was in the single defaulting criterion. Just recently, at the suggestion of a dominant female friend, I created a profile on a vanilla dating site that overtly calls out that I'm seeking a FLR. Not much luck so far but if nothing else it gets it out there into the sunlight.