HÉLÈNE: SCENES FROM OUR FLR—ADDITIONAL PUNISHMENTS FOR SEVERE INFRACTIONS

As already noted, “I take discipline [of my boyfriend] very seriously in my house, and I think it really helps cement our amorous relationship.” My previous posting discussed, I hope in a way that was not too graphic, certain “consequences for severe infractions.”  I continue that discussion here with additional measures I have taken with boyfriend as part of our discipline routine.

As a punishment, of sorts, I once showed up at his place of work and waited until all his colleagues were present. After a warm greeting I told him what we were doing afterward, and then he turned around to finish up at work. I said, “Hurry it up,” and gave him a firm smack on the bottom right in front of his colleagues and co-workers. He turned bright red, got nervous, but he did hurry up.

He tried, later that day, to ask that I not smack him in public, which really got under my skin. We were in a park, which was busy that time of day. I took this opportunity for a good, old-fashioned public scolding. I shook my finger at him and told him he should have been ready. “If you had not been so disorganized, you would have been out of work by that time, and I would not have to scold you. When you step out of line, there is a consequence, whether that is public or private.” I said it loud enough for people to hear, and he hung his head. He kept his head low all the way back to my house.

Clothes

I hid his clothes at times, when I wanted to remind him who is in control. We have wardrobes here, and mine has a key in it. One night he was being particularly difficult—he wanted to revise one of our rules, and I said no. So he was out of sorts and was trying to get around it. So I took his clothes and put them in my wardrobe. I felt that by keeping his wardrobe locked and holding onto the key, he would start to understand that all things come from me and that he must comply with the rules in order to gain the privileges I allow him.

The next morning he tried to get into his wardrobe and was surprised it would not open. I performed my usual routine and then told him to make me breakfast, not entertaining any question about the clothes. I said I would explain after breakfast. He had to make breakfast naked, and then he begged me to talk about what I had done. It was 8:30 and even though most businesses in Paris start at 10:00, he wanted to get dressed. I told him he would not be getting his clothes back that day, that he needed to be obedient, and I would give them back when I felt he had learned his lesson. He had to call out of work with a lame illness excuse, going red in the face when he stood there naked. I told him to do the chores and I would see how good he was before I let him have his clothes back. When I came home that house was spotless. I also took the keys to the house, so he could not go anywhere.

He did his chores, and for the rest of the week it was up to me if I wanted to unlock the wardrobe, or if he was going to have to spend another day naked. At the end of the week I asked if he wanted the rule revised, and he said, after looking down meekly at his plate, “No.” So there won't be any more of that.

Bed Denial

I sometimes have denied my boyfriend access to any bed at all. One night, after I felt he needed some reminding, I put a pillow and blanket on the floor. When he came into the room he saw them and looked crestfallen. I pointed to the pillow and blanket, and he sighed and asked, “But, why?” I did not answer, I merely kept pointing. This lasted several days before he meekly asked if he could come back to bed. When I explained he had been naughty and had to be punished, he almost started to cry. In his mind he was doing everything he should, but I had different ideas.

This happened last year when he was twenty-three. I don’t ever 'argue' about punishments. They are there, and that's that. This went on several weeks. There were nights when I would see him gazing longingly at the bed, hoping to be let in, or when he would meekly say, at some point during the day while I was cuddling him, “I—I would—when can I come back to bed?” And I would say, “When I feel you’ve learned your lesson.” But he wouldn't beg. I wanted him to beg. I wanted him to be on his knees, literally begging to be let in, but he was trying to be proud. He took it for a long time, some two months, but then finally, after weeks with little sleep and very little energy, he did kneel down and say, “Please, please. I love you, please let me back into bed.”

I did allow him back in his bed, but I keep it as a punishment.

HÉLÈNE: SCENES FROM OUR FLR— CONSEQUENCES FOR SEVERE INFRACTIONS

PARIS—As noted in my previous posting, “I take discipline very seriously in my house, and I think it really helps cement our amorous relationship." And, as promised at the end of that posting, I will here discuss some consequences for severe infractions.

This might be too graphic, but it does give an idea of strict consequences

Of all the consequences for infractions, I think penetration is for him hands down the most humiliating experience. The first time it was done, it was a consequence of his resisting my authority. I had my arms around him while he was doing the dishes, touching his butt, which I do regularly (see below), and he resisted. I wanted to start making love, but he was having a tantrum and said he did not want to. So I made a decision. I wound my hands around his waist and continued to feel him and told him to look straight ahead.

Unfortunately I had to tell him several times and finally I lost my patience. I unzipped his trousers and whispered into his ear, “Get down on your hands and knees.” He started trembling, looking at me and asking, “Why?”

I repeated the command, pointing my finger down at the floor. I kept it down until he knelt down and obeyed. Then I went into my room and got the dildo. I think he expected a spanking. He always grits his teeth beforehand—he HATES to be punished—and returned with it. I pulled down the boxers and that’s when it started.

I hope I am not being too coarse or direct here, but the butt/bottom/posterior is the best place, I think, to humiliate a man. It’s the one spot they never have “invaded.” I don’t know how to say this delicately, but a strap-on should be used as a stern and straightforward punishment. The first time I did this, he cried. Make sure you dominate your little boy completely. I stayed in him a long time and gave him a little kiss, asking him, “Who’s in charge?” while still in him. He could barely get out an answer. “And what’s your job?” I asked next.

“To obey.”

“What?”

“To obey you.”

“That’s a good boy.”

I patted him and eventually let him get dressed.

This is reserved for serious punishments. For days afterward he didn’t look me in the eye. He was miserable for a long time, but it definitely changed his attitude. I administered these punishments in our teens, and I kept them when we took up dating again. They are just as potent now as they were then.

His Butt

Okay, now I have to admit this is one of my favorite things about our relationship. The posterior/ass/bottom/butt is almost a sacred thing for men; and, of course, because being penetrated is something that rarely happens, unless certain circumstances arise. I am not sure this site is the place for such details, but penetration is a must for the dominant female if she is going to completely put her household in order. For those starting out, however, butt swatting is a good place to start asserting your authority over your man.

I swat my boyfriend’s butt, and it has changed our relationship. Take control of that. Touch it, feel it, grope it, pat it, rub it, know it inside and out, every curve, the whole shape. Make it a habit. Touch it constantly. I sometimes rub it when he is doing the dishes, or scrubbing the floor, or vacuuming. In other words, all the time, just to feel it, and know that it’s all mine.

I DO swat it when I think he’s being sulky, when he’s moping, or just plain being annoying. A good, hard smack on the bottom is just what he needs to get him in line. He doesn’t often have cross words, but when he has a something disrespectful to say, swat that butt! I don’t know about yours, but my man is VERY sensitive to it. He HATES it when I touch his bottom, he feels this mixture of humiliation and gratitude for me touching him.

 

Pat it lovingly when having sex, or when you admire him or want him to do something. In my house, there is one place he belongs—the kitchen. If he’s not in it, there’s something wrong. So nudge him toward it, and let him know his place.

DENNIS: DARLENE’S STORY

It is very exciting to see that women in a otherwise oppressive era were able to control their men, enhance their financial situation, satisfy themselves, and have a man who was happy to comply with her every wish!  

We've done five interviews to date. One was with a 78-year-old woman, Darlene, a proudly self-admitted “domineering bitch” who controlled every aspect of her marriage starting around 1960. She gave her interview at the center to a crowd of twenty, mostly women, who cheered and applauded as Darlene described her lifestyle. Her takeing charge of the marriage started when hubby acted up too much and she just totally clamped down on him, an interesting story of confrontation and female power in and of itself.

Darlene’s complete conquest of hubby took less than ten, anger-filled minutes, she told us. They were married for over forty years, and during all those years she never lost control. And it’s interesting to note that she had many of the same things in place in the ‘60s—e.g.,  phone screening, domestic routines, male rules of etiquette, turning over his paycheck, etc.—that we thought were “new” forty years later! The same controls, incidentally, that the women in Nancy's family also implemented out of their own needs.

In 1960 such a lifestyle that wasn't widespread, but if one looked carefully, Darlene said, “it was there.” And it was there in lesser measure with all of the housewives who henpecked their husbands, a precursor to current FLR lifestyles. Darlene surmised that for every man like her husband, there were four or five husbands who were wife-controlled, but to a lesser degree. In Darlene's case she controlled the money, the social schedule (which usually had hubby at home) and she didn't do housework.

What she did do was set out to please herself, she told us proudly. She spent lavishly— hubby was a big earner—on clothes, shoes, jewelry, and travel. She also had boyfriends to pursue her carnal desires. This ratcheted up attention among her listeners, believe me. And when quickly asked how many boyfriends, she replied “Twenty or so, give or take a few,” to which she received a round of applause. When asked if hubby knew about her men, she said “Probably, but I didn't give a damn! If he wanted to stay married, he had to shut up and accept it. And he

did.”

The evening with Darlene was very empowering for women—and very exciting for submissive men!

We are looking to capture more women's stories as part of this project. Sue and her sisters are going to be interviewed, too. While it's interesting to capture these stories, we are speaking with independent, progressive-thinking, aggressive women who, unfortunately, are in the minority. It would be nice to hear from some of the women who simply henpecked their husbands, though. Not sure whether we could put together a website to solicit women's experiences in controlling their men, to whatever degree they did it, but we are thinking about it.

—dennis

GUEST POST: HÉLÈNE: SCENES FROM OUR FLR—HIS EARLY TRAINING

[Note from Mark Remond: Back in the fall of 2009 I published three posts* on “the theory and practice of punishment in female-led relationships,” a topic I had carefully tiptoed around for several years in my books and blog in order to emphasize the romantic, courtship nature of female- and wife-led relationships and Loving Female Authority. But, as I wrote in that initial post on Sept. 9, “Clearly, ‘Loving Female Authority’ presumes a Loving Female vested with the Authority to enforce her will on her guy. Likewise, a Female- or Wife-Led relationship requires a male who follows the woman’s lead. As in any leadership structure, there must be incentives for good performance and disincentives for poor performance, for not following directives. And, in an FLR, it is she who must be empowered to administer those ‘disincentives,’ i.e., penalties or punishments.” Recently I was contacted by a Parisienne, calling herself Hélène, who posted some informative and provocative comments to these old posts of mine. I am happy to report that Hélène has now accepted my invitation to share with my readers some “scenes from her FLR”and her thoughts about discipline as an essential element of Loving Female Authority. As such, she will be “pushing the envelope” of what has thus far appeared on this blog; but I believe that she does so with an eloquence and sensitivity that will be understood and appreciated by the majority of my readers. At least I certainly hope so! And I hope that Hélène will continue contributing her thoughts to this Wife Worship website.]

 

PARIS—Here are some scenes from our FLR. I take discipline very seriously in my house, and I think it really helps cement our amorous relationship. My boyfriend and I first dated when we were in our teens. I had to leave France to attend school at the time, but when I returned to Paris I found him just as handsome and just as interested in a relationship as when I left. So keep in mind that there are two time periods discussed. It's also important to realize because his inexperience greatly helped in establishing a steady discipline routine.

Our First Home Date

Bringing the boy to see your place is an experience all couples relate to, FLR or not. Because of circumstances it was easier for me to bring him to my place, so I did. I brought him over on a Saturday night as I was tired from work and really did not feel like going out. I brought him home, and wanted to see what he would do. We had been dating a bit, I should say, but this was our first in-home experience. So I took off my coat, scarf, shoes, and he right away picked them up and put them on the hook. Then I pulled him close, teased him a little bit, and swatted his bottom into the living room, at which point I decided to take a shower.

I showed him where the kitchen was and said, “I'm going to take a shower. Why don't you get a little dinner ready and I'll be out soon?” I swiped his butt into the kitchen and disappeared into the shower, and you know what? He did it. A good dinner, too. I took a really long shower, to see how patient he could be. When I came out, he seemed a little eager to be together, but I was not ready, so I went into my bedroom and got dressed, and then came out to eat my dinner. It was delicious, and I was quite happy with it.

Punishment

When I first whispered into his ear, “Behave, or I'll have to discipline you,” he looked surprised, as if he couldn't believe what I was saying.

I have a running journal of sorts on my computer about my relationship. In this journal I have a “Men’s Bill of Rights” where I jot down and ask myself what is good for and detrimental to my man. I think a man's number one right is to firm, consistent and effective boundaries. Men have a hard time with self-control. It helps them feel secure to know the female in whose care they are can lovingly take on this responsibility, and it is essential that he feel protection from his own innate foolishness.

The first time I spanked him it was for something minor. After coaxing me several times, he kept trying to reach up for my breast. I wanted this bad little habit nipped in the bud. Frustrated and annoyed, I sighed and unzipped his trousers, pulled them down along with his boxers and walked quietly—and calmly—into my bedroom and brought out my paddle. It’s a plain wooden paddle, nothing fancy, but it is my prime disciplinary tool for boys. I stood in front of him, with his scared face looking up at me. He was still lying on the sofa when I said, “Bend over, with your knees on the floor and your arms over the sofa cushion.”

I saw him begin to shake, and some mild pleading followed. He did not really think I would do it.

“Either you get into the position or you will receive a much higher number of spanks,” I said. Slowly, reluctantly, he got to his knees, and I delivered thirty hard, firm spanks to his bottom.

Every woman's leadership style is different, and every boy is different. But in my

experience, I hear far too much of “at first my husband got an erection.” Ladies, please. When you are in the position of disciplining your boy, make sure you deliver a spank so hard it makes him cry the first time.

It’s important to let boys to know that we care about them, and that we care about their progress as men. Spare the rod and spoil the boy should be our motto in guiding our men to their better selves. I’m not usually one for assigning numbers during discipline. In my relationship, it’s until I think you have learned your lesson. We really need to guide men in their behavior, and males are physical beings. They need to know there is a direct, painful consequence for slipping in their responsibilities. Remember, it’s not just about punishment, it’s about guiding your man to be successful in his gender, and you are responsible for that.

By the time I was finished, my boy was bawling. Hot tears ran down his face. He had experienced physical discipline before, so he already understood why this was happening. After finishing, I asked him, “Now, do you know why you were punished?”

In this case he didn't, I went on to explain it to him: “There is no relationship if you don't listen to me. Do you understand?”

He nodded, wiping tears from his face. He was young, and still trying to hide tears. So I continued, taking him gently in my arms and looking down at him. His bottom really hurt—it was so red—and he was struggling to pull up his trousers and underclothes.

“I know, it hurts a lot, but if you had listened to me, you would not have gotten punished. Do you see now why you have to listen to me? I just can’t let you do something that's not good for us.”

He nodded again and began to calm down.

“Now go into the bedroom, take off your clothes, fold them, and wait for me. We're both going to have some time to calm down. And when I come into that room, I expect you to be lying on that bed. Are we going to have any more problems with not listening?”

He shook his head, and did as he was told.

In my next post I will discuss consequences for severe infractions.

— Hélène

• Whispering the “P” Word, Parts 1 , 2  & 3 

KAITLIN CONTINUES HER RESEARCH

Kaitlin continues her research and this time spoke to a group of women whose experience differed from the others. These women go back to the ‘60s and early ‘70s when discussing their marriages.

All had a significant degree of financial control, about 45% had complete financial control in that they established and enforced a budget, about 45% shared financial control with their husbands, while the last 10% abrogated financial control to their husbands who, nevertheless, kept them informed.

As for men doing housework, all these women said that their husbands did housework and had a regular housework routine. This wasn't something she demanded; rather, hubby simply felt it was right to pitch in and did. Gradually their men added to the housework they did, this in addition to the “man chores” they normally did. One woman commented that her husband was “on automatic” as far as coming home to do housework; he never had to be told or asked. Why were men so willing? Well, some of the women felt that their husbands simply wanted to pitch in. Others felt that hubby did housework as a way of ensuring domestic tranquility—that “Motivational Speaking” thing that women do so well!

As for other controls, more than half the men asked permission to go out “with the boys” and would abide by her wishes if she disagreed. As for “girl's night out,” nearly all of the men surveyed in this group were supportive of their wives going out for an evening; not that the women had to ask permission, but just that the men were supportive and, in fact, felt their wives deserved an evening out. A few women said they would NEVER ask permission for anything, but would tell their husbands what they were going to do. “I'm going out with the girls, see you late.”

Discipline? Well, not really, although the women said that confronting her man, giving him the “silent treatment” and Motivational Speaking was all that they really needed to keep hubby in line.

Finally, about a half of the women worked outside the home but only two out of this group admitted to an affair. All the women who worked said that the onset of the Women's Liberation Movement empowered women to resist the frequent sexual advances from men that women in the workforce in that era were often subject to. One interesting aspect that I wish Kaitlin had asked about in her research is the type of business a woman worked at outside the home. If she was engaged in a woman-oriented business, then perhaps there was little opportunity to encounter available men. Was it different in largely male-staffed business such as an auto dealership? These might be interesting questions to pose.

 

Kaitlin has a lot of data that she wants to use to formulate survey questions to test various questions she has concerning women's power in relationships. She’s trying come up with a composite picture and compare that picture of women in the ‘50s through the ‘70s with current FLRs. She has some interesting and exciting suspicions.

MATRIARCHAL UNDERGROUND: FATHER DIDN’T KNOW BEST! PART 2

Kaitlin continues to do interviews with women and couples, and her research shows that women of past generations – the 50s, 60s, and 70s in particular – had a lot more authority within their households than we might expect. And they used it to get a substantial amount of control of most if not all aspects of married life. Apparently women-in-charge isn't a recent phenomenon. Recently she interviewed twelve women, including four couples, and what follows is a synopsis of what came out of her interviews. Kaitlin wants to interview a broader cross-section of women and couples and hopes to conduct at least 150 interviews.

It should be noted that Kaitlin is now doing what might be referred to as qualitative research. That involves asking broad, open-ended questions, looking for common themes and behaviors. Once she gets these, she intends to put together a quantitative survey—probably online—to see how much her qualitative themes can be generalized across a broad population.

Housework: Her twelve women reported that their men did housework and had a routine of it to tend to when they came home, although some did less than others. Housework for hubby was a constant, everyday routine; he had something to do, and that something took two-three hours a night on weekdays and could be twice that on days he was off work. Never mind that she didn't have a job outside the home; he did housework and he did it because she insisted he do it; and he did how she wanted it done. Husbands were shown what to do, and if things weren't done right, they would be done over and over again, if need be, until he got it right. All twelve women did do the majority of cooking, although the men cleaned up the kitchen. The women Kaitlin surveyed remarked that men were terrible cooks and not worth training.

 

Controlling the money: By controlling the money, Women were able to establish and maintain control of their relationship. Checks came home in that era and were handed over to wives who took care of the banking, bills and expenses. Hubby may have been involved in financial decisions initially, but women gradually took total control of the finances, partly because he didn't care for the tedium, but mostly because women wanted it that way. Women were responsible for controlling the finances but also made sure they benefited from their monetary stewardship. Women put aside money for clothes, nights out, shoes, vacations, and frequent visits to the beauty salon. Many of them also channeled money into personal bank accounts that they'd set up for themselves. Men on the other hand were given an allowance and required to stay within a budget. A man could ask for more but he'd seldom get it; her “No!” didn't require justification. While all women surveyed sought to control the money and have free access to it, some women had to seize control of the finances while others—about half—had it given to them by husbands who just didn't want to be bothered with the details of handling the money. In effect, these men handed their wives the keys to the kingdom!

The majority of women interviewed by Kaitlin so far have not worked outside the home. Men worked at full time, professional jobs and were good earners. Neither they nor their husbands felt that this required wives to do more of the housework. To the contrary, the men interviewed wanted to please their wives and if turning over their paycheck and doing housework kept the peace, then they were happy. Men really dreaded tension in the home and would do anything to avoid it; women were adept at creating tension to get their way. They worked to instill this attitude and reinforce it with praise from themselves and from other women. One man admitted that he loved getting praise from his mother-in-law; it made him “work even harder,” he remarked. It's interesting that women praising or thanking men to solidify control is the opposite of what my wife, Nancy, advocates today. The difference may be that Nancy's admonition concerns men constantly improving their domestic skills as opposed to simply doing what they are told.

All the women interviewed controlled their husband's social life. If he wanted to go to a game, for example, he had to ask permission, which was usually given, but always with limitations—on how much money he could spend and when he had to be home. This was a practical concern. “The more he spent, the less for me,” one woman commented, adding, “and I wasn't going to have that!” Controls on his social life also were aimed at keeping him away from “bad influences” that might make him hard to control. when their men returned home, the wives expected to be told what went on.

Kaitlin's work shows that women derived their authority from having control of the family's money even though the majority of them had no earnings of their own. When they did have money of their own, it seemed to have influenced their behaviors. Of the twelve women interviewed, the four who had their own incomes also had affairs with other men. And these women were very good at keeping their affairs secret.

As far as reinforcing their authority and keeping their men in line, what we used to refer to as “nagging” or “bitching,” but what Kaitlin refers to as “motivational speaking,” was quite common and quite effective. One woman noted that she could be a “real bitch” when she didn't get her way; and her hubby agreed and confirmed that her “motivational speaking” kept him in line. Men's favorable comments about “bitching” stem from them appreciating women telling them exactly what they wanted.

And, yes, there was physical punishment administered by all the ladies surveyed, usually in combination with “motivational speaking,” often with a slap or two and a few kicks thrown in for good measure. What prompted such a physical reprisal? Usually insubordination of some sort or complaining on the part of a man. “Bitching was allowed, complaining wasn't,” one woman explained to Kaitlin. And the men's view of physical punishment? They felt it was deserved and said that it was usually given in moderation, but they were terrified that it would somehow “get out” that they were being punished by their wives. There was a tremendous need to maintain an in-charge image on the part of men, otherwise their position on the job and in society could be compromised. The women told Kaitlin that they realized this and held out disclosure as a real threat to keep their men in line.