dennis: OBEDIENCE REVISITED

Nancy’s original Obedience post (“Toward a Lifelong Female-Led Marriage: Obedience”  ) was directed at Women. This post is a refresher of sorts and is directed at men.

Obedience, it’s the first and most important of the four tenets of an FLR. It is the key to domestic bliss! Obey your Wife without hesitation and you can expect domestic tranquility and happiness. Disobey Her and there will likely be unpleasant consequences.

In workshops we conduct for couples embarking on an FLR we encourage Women to demand obedience and put the necessary structures in place to get it. Why? Well, there are a number of reasons:

First, Women are intellectually and emotionally superior to men. They are also more benevolent in their leadership. Women are the superior sex and deserve to be in control.

Second, men behave better when specific rules and responsibilities are put in place for them to follow – men love structure and Women should give it to them.

Third, Women are increasingly in charge in the business world. Why should they surrender

their considerable and expanding authority when they return home? They shouldn’t! Rather they should carry their workplace authority seamlessly into their home life.

Fourth, households run smoother with Women in charge, and tranquil households are what we all want.

Fifth, and i know i will be criticized for this, but we firmly believe that men – today’s men – have to atone for patriarchy’s ill-gotten gains; obedience to Women and complete respect for their authority are a good start on the road to atonement...

Couples contemplating an FLR know this and understand that in such a relationship She makes the decisions, controls the money, sets the social agenda, assigns the chores, makes the rules and enforces them. his job? Simply to obey! Her decisions are not subject to debate; they are final! Women relish the leadership role and in our experience don’t hesitate to press their innate authority. Many men, on the other hand, conditioned by patriarchy, have some hesitation when initially confronted with a suddenly demanding Wife. She needs to quell his hesitation.

Here are some things for Women and enlightened gentlemen to do, based on my own experiences in Nancy’s family where Her Grandmother, Joan, and Mother, Sue, and others conditioned me to the need for obedience:

Remind yourself of your inferiority as a man and of the superiority of Women; i use notes and stickers as reminders. When i was leaning to obey when first introduced to Nancy’s family, each Woman and some of the men(!) reminded me of the superiority of Women and of my own inferiority. Joan, Sue, and Nancy would write “Women Rule and men drool” using lipstick on mirrors and on my windshield; sexy to be sure, but i really understood the underlying message!

Wear an apron; it’s practical in many ways but also calls out his subservient status; Joan

admonished me to wear a “pretty” apron as it multiplied the impact. My wearing an apron has been mandatory from the start.

Use honorifics. Ma’am is always acceptable; “Yes, Ma’am” is one of my favorite sayings, one that excites me and honors the Woman to whom it is directed. Make it your business to learn Women’s preferences for address and use them. Or men can experiment by using different honorifics: “My Queen,” “Madame,” “Lady” with Her last name (i.e., “Lady Gannon”) come to mind. All convey deference and respect and acknowledge the higher status of Women. Progressive gentlemen report excitement in using such terms.

Don’t limit the use of honorifics; i recommend “Ma’am” when addressing any Woman, at home of course, but also in public and at work. “Good morning, Ma’am”; “Yes, Ma’am.” These show respect and courtesy. “Ma’am” works well in all situations, and i would use it exclusively outside the home.

"Hear and do": The Women in Nancy’s family initially put me in situations where i was always getting requests or told to do things. Joan called it “Hear and do,” and it was great training. It taught me to hear a request, acknowledge it, and carry it out; and it taught me to love taking orders. While i understand that it’s not at all practical to constantly get orders from the Women, my doing so, especially during this initial period, made it second nature.

Set up rules. As noted above, it’s just not practical for Women to constantly be giving direction. In Nancy’s family we have an elaborate set or protocols and schedules that prescribe what i should be doing and how things are to be done. There’s a day to do ironing, laundry, and grocery shopping and a documented way that things should be done. Things happen automatically with little imposition on the Women. Obedience isn’t just listening to what She orders. It’s also following the protocols She has prescribed. With deference to Her, work with your Wife to develop similar rules. It will lighten or eliminate Her burden in managing your work.

Listen to Her. This doesn’t mean obeying Her – men know to do that – but rather to quietly listen to Her conversations – with permission, of course, no snooping! Women’s conversation should be regarded as private unless you are informed otherwise! But by listening to Her you can anticipate Her needs and move to fulfill them before She asks – now that’s obedience! And fantastic personal service, too! If, for example, She says She’s thirsty, you can rush to get Her favorite drink. Beyond this, listening to Her will help you learn Women’s perspectives and opinions and thus be a better man.

For Women: There are things that a Woman should be doing to ensure that Her husband is an obedient and acquiescent spouse:

Instruct him – make sure he understands Your expectations and any protocols You’ve established.

NEVER say “Please,” Ladies! You are entitled to have Your requests fulfilled and he is privileged to fulfill them. And there’s absolutely no need for “thank you” once Your request is filled.

Have him use “Ma’am” or whatever honorific You prefer. ALWAYS!

Set up household rules as above. Complying with the rules is the same as his complying with Your orders, and it’s far less burdensome to You. If it’s in the rules and he doesn’t comply then, consequences are due.

Raise Your voice. It helps to periodically reestablish Your authority by raising Your voice. Nancy and Sue do this from time to time to keep me on my toes. Learn to love releasing Your ‘inner Bitch.” men love Bitches – be one!

Exercise Your authority. Have him do things because You can. Give him an opportunity to serve you – men LOVE serving Women! Nancy and Her Mother periodically send me on little excursions. Going across town for a specific brand of cigarettes at 3:00 a.m., for example...

Finally, there’s a little sheet with phrases on it that serve as thoughtful reminders.  Nancy’s Grandmother, Joan, dictated them to me years ago as reminders that I could post in key places. Today i have them on a small sheet of pink paper as She instructed and place them on mirrors, on my phone, on my computer. As She ordered i recite these phrases a few times a day, as a tribute to Joan. Here they are:

§  She says, you do!

§  She commands, you comply!

§  She decides, you abide!

§  She rules, you obey!

§  She speaks, you listen!

§  She requests, you fulfill!

§  She instructs, you learn!

§  She orders, you acquiesce!

§  She leads, you follow!

dennis: RENEWAL OF WEDDING VOWS IN A FEMALE-LED MARRIAGE

Nancy and i recently renewed our wedding vows. We have done this twice before when She decided the evolution of our relationship necessitated putting it on a new plateau of shared understanding, both to ourselves and to the congregation. We were members of another congregation but left because that group was male-led and very parochial in its conduct. We want spirituality in our lives but not at the expense of compromising our beliefs as expressed in the workings of our Female-led marriage.

Our new congregation is a significant departure from the old. We are members of a group that worships Female deities and explores the Divine Feminine. Our congregation looks on all Women as Goddesses, worthy of male respect, homage, and worship. Our approach to spirituality is refreshingly broad and has us exploring and incorporating a variety of beliefs. We seek to use scripture that rewrites traditional Biblical passages with Female references.  In-depth references to the Divine Feminine in scripture interpretation can easily be found on-line.

Women hold all positions of authority and leadership within our congregation. Any Woman joining is a full member and, with appropriate instruction, can rise to be Priestesses, those Who lead worship services. Above the Priestesses are the Elders of our congregation. They are all Women Who have exhibited wisdom and understanding and Who are respected by all in the congregation; Nancy’s Mother Sue is an Elder. When the Elders speak, everyone listens!

Elders conduct discussions, ceremonies, and rituals and, in addition, serve on the Council of Wise Women to which members – including men – may bring issues, questions, and disputes for consideration, or may simply seek advice and discussion. The Council sits as needed with most issues heard by a panel of three to seven Wise Women.

There are strict rituals associated with bringing issues to the Wise Women for their consideration. In bringing an issue to the Elders all parties agree to fully accept the decision of the Wise Women; there is no appeal process. And acceptance of that decision means the recommended solutions must be implemented. The Elders usually deliberate on the items brought before them, so one cannot expect an immediate answer; a response may take hours, days, or weeks. Whenever the Wise Women arrive at a decision, the parties bringing it are summoned to hear the disposition provided. The Council of Wise Women also sits as an administrative authority managing the congregation’s day-to-day business.

While men are most welcome to worship in our congregation, they must be sponsored by a Female member and likely will not be elevated to positions of authority. men are to be respectful and courteous at all times. There are numerous protocols in play that are taught men by their sponsoring Woman. men are, for example, to use appropriate honorifics, and these differ from those that might be used outside the congregation – “Ma’am” isn’t used here! men are permitted to speak only when spoken to, and are not allowed to speak at all for their first year in the congregation. men are also expected to financially support the congregation with weekly contributions as well as making appropriate contributions when receiving special services such as submitting a question to the Council of Wise Women.

Our vow-renewal ceremony was conducted in the presence of the congregation and was brief.

At the altar i knelt before my wife and kissed her hand as a sign of reverence, referring to her as “my Goddess.” Then i said, “Dear Nancy, i promise to love You, to honor You, to worship Uou, and to obey You.” I continued, “i recognize You as my divine Goddess, the center of my life. You are infallible and beyond fault. All that i have and all that i am is Yours.”

i remained kneeling as Nancy said, “You have pledged yourself to Me and the Divine Goddess. You promise your obedient devotion.”

A wedding ring was handed to Nancy, and she slipped it onto my finger, saying, “With this ring you become Mine as you have asked. I promise to love you and guide you and in so doing, better us both”.

She then added, “Woman is the ruler of the world. She is infallible and beyond fault; She stands above all men as I stand over you.” She finished, “Wise is the man who follows Woman; do you follow Me?” i replied, “Yes, my Goddess, i follow You, i obey You, allow me to serve You as You see fit.”

i continued kneeling before Nancy. She does not get a ring as a part of the ceremony since she is a free spirit beholden only to Herself and Her wishes. men, on the other hand, do get a ring, a reference to the single-ring ceremony of ages past where the Woman received a ring indicative of Her commitment but the man didn’t, indicative of his freedom despite being married. The roles have been reversed in our congregation; thus, i have committed myself to Her and in so doing belong to Her and accept whatever She wishes.

The ceremony nearly complete, She extends Her hand and i gently kiss it. She walks away and only then do i rise, take Her arm and follow Her. We greet our guests in the reception line, and i now am privileged to kiss the Bride!

Nancy’s gift to me was a pair of gold earrings. My gift to Her was a three-diamond ring. She is pleased with it. It was an invigorating ceremony, all the more so given all those in attendance.