Sunday, January 27, 2013

NANCY & DENNIS: TOWARD A LIFELONG FEMALE-LED MARRIAGE: OBEDIENCE



I'm often asked what makes for a good female-led relationship. Well, there are really four things that bring about a happy female-led marriage:

1) Obedience – he does what I say! You know this had to be on top of the list!
2) Domestic service – he does housework - all of it! He loves it and is a real Domestic Diva!
3) Personal service – he's my “maid in waiting,” looking after all the little things.
4) Atonement – he puts women – all of us – ahead of himself.

Obedience

Let's talk about the most important one first, because if your man is obedient – and he should be – everything else falls into place. Obedience is pretty straightforward. I give the orders and he follows them! PERIOD! No discussion or debate, just, “Yes, Ma-am!” when I tell him to do something. My husband recognizes that I manage the money, make all decisions, make rules as needed to keep the house running smoothly, and plan our social agenda.

You have to be assertive. Let's understand, ladies, that your man's acquiescence has to be matched by your assertiveness. You've got to be demanding. Don't be afraid to confront him when he displeases you. Raise hell! Yes, I'm in charge and he knows it, but I still get aggressive with him from time to time just to remind him that I'm the boss and whatever I say goes, without question, without hesitation. Don't be afraid to be assertive. Women have been taught that they have to be nice – don't believe it! You can't be nice and have an FLR. Release your inner bitch! Men love bitches! Be one!

Women are the superior sex – We are emotionally, intellectually, and morally superior to men and should be in charge. Make sure he knows it! Make sure you act like it! An everyday reminder to him that it's a woman's world is a good idea!

Start early – The earlier in a relationship you start giving orders the better it is for both of you. You're going to like being in control, and he's going to love your being in control. Men want to please women, so ladies, don't stand in his way! Tell him what he needs to do to please you! Dennis was looking for a strong, take-charge women and he found her – me! He's been taking orders since our first date and we wouldn't have it any other way!

Obedience makes him happy – I give the orders and he obeys! PERIOD! Dennis is well trained; when I tell him to do something, I get a little bow of acknowledgment and a “Yes, Ma'am” and off he goes. I love it when he does as he's told, and he loves being told. It reinforces both our positions. How important is it to him to follow orders? Well, if he's not told to do something by mother or me at least a few times a day, he'll get restless and concerned; it's as though he thinks I don't love him because I haven't told him to do something. Your man is going to see your ordering him around as a sign of love. You're going to see it as a sign of your authority. Well, everyone is happy!

Insist that he shut up! – I demand that my man shut up! And I have no problem telling him to shut up at home or in public. Why? Because men don't have anything to say; women do. I don't want to hear his complaints or how hard his day was, and I sure don't want to hear that he didn't get his housework done or that he didn't do what I told him to do. In our home men speak when spoken to or when asked to join a conversation, a conversation that is woman-led.

Insist that he listen – I demand that my man listen – same thing at work for the guys who work for me. By “listen” I don't mean “obey,” I mean listen. Men should shut up and listen to what women are talking about, what they have to say, what their plans are, what their concerns are; how they want things done. What women say matters and men need to understand this and act accordingly. When they listen, men are in a position to better respond to women, to be of service. This is satisfying to all involved. Dennis is a good listener. He'll hear that Mom or I need something and it's there. Or he'll hear that we're planning a get-together and he'll politely ask for details so he can prepare for it.

Insist that he show you deference – He should be treating you with respect. “Yes, Ma-am!” is mandatory at home and away, I don't care who is around. An apron is mandatory; he has to wear one at home no matter who is visiting. He has many aprons as do the other men in our family. If he doesn't find an apron hanging in the kitchen when he gets home, he gets the privilege of choosing one to wear. He enjoys wearing this sign of his subservience, but, like it or not, he wears it because I demand he does.

Insist that he ask permission – He should be asking your permission to do anything outside of his established routine. If he wants a cigarette, he asks; if he wants a mixed drink, he asks; if he wants to do his Tuesday evening grocery shopping, he asks. Every time he asks permission he is recognizing that I'm in charge.

Make and enforce rules – You'll want to have well documented rules and standards to ensure that he does things right. By “right” I mean how you want things done. We have plenty of rules for everything and he has to know them. He writes them in his journal so he remembers them. There are rules for how men behave with women guests, how he greets them, serves them. There's a right way to clean the living room, a right way to light a woman's cigarette, and so on. And there are established routines that he has to follow; every day of the week he has housework to
do, in addition to looking after mother and me. We expect him to come home and do his assigned tasks and do them how we want them done. Mom and I don't have time to tell him every little thing to do – it's waste of time. But we do check on him on occasion and make sure he's doing his work the way we want it done. If not, there can be consequences for him. And, ladies, don't feel overbearing. Men love having rules and routines because they know just what to do and how to do it. Your man is busy, productive, and happy and you can go about doing what you want to do.
Exercise your power – An in-charge woman has to exercise her power. To keep him in the proper frame of mind we tell him to do things; all sorts of things. I'll come home and just drop my things here and there and tell him to pick them up – he loves doing it. I'll send him across town at 3:00 am for a pack of cigarettes; he'll get them. I'll send him to the mall for a pair of pantyhose even though I have a dozen pairs in my drawer; I'll have them in thirty minutes! He never complains about being told what to do but, as I said, he does get concerned when he's not asked to do something for a while. Men love to do things for women, it gives them a lot of fulfillment – fulfillment from being obedient.

35 comments:

Anonymous said...

So most respectfully Ma'am if he is recalcatrant or disobedient what do You do? Are You a believer in corporal discipline or other physical punishments? Wife has a heavy wooden spatula She will use on my bare behind and She will also periodically cane me. I have noticed that since You took over for Mark Redmond the issue of physical discipline of Your husband has not been raised. I hope my raising the subject does not offend You Ma'am but I (and I am sure others) are curious. Thank You for reviewing my post.

Gringo said...

Nancy,

What is your opinion on stay at home dads and/or househusbands? With women outpacing us men in education, this is becoming more and more possible. If a professional woman can support the family, she can put her hubby on "diaper duty" I know that I am a good candidate as a househusband, given that I often date women with Master's degrees who out earn me. I fully realize that I could be relegated to a role in which I change all the diapers, including all the poopy diapers! Real Women don't Change Diapers. dimwit

Anonymous said...

I think that we should as males try to strive to be the best that we can be and that Womyn don't want a worm who is worthless of useless. They want someone that has worth and is useful.

Muslces need to be exercised and a Womyn exercising her authority needs to do it often and strongly and thus the muscle does not atrophy.

The ying to that yang is that a man needs to attenuate his obedience muscles. He must exercise his usefulness and worth by obeying instructions and anticipating a Womyns needs.

Femsup

Nancy and Dennis said...

For Anonymous (who is curious) -- Well, you're going to have to keep on being curious...

N

Anonymous said...

Nancy and Dennis,
Can you say a more about the men in the family who all wear aprons. What produced a female led dynasty?
Bill

Siobhan said...

This is a very insightful post, and was most helpful. Especially the part on having him "shut up".

You said "....men don't have anything to say; women do. I don't want to hear his complaints or how hard his day was."

A marriage is always said to have good communication, talk back and forth, discuss each others interests. A wife should not have to bore herself with listening to her husbands interests, they are not important whereas her interests are of the most import. Any problem at his work he needs to deal with; his purpose is to earn money for her to enjoy. Outside of work he should have no other interest other than serving his wife and the chores she assigns to him. When the husband forfeits all freedom to her, he forfeits any outside interests. He must listen to and pay attention to all his wife says and consider these his interests.

My husband and I used to talk all the time and could care less what he had to say, but was polite. I finally told his to shut up (yes I said those words and have learned to use them many times). The males (husband and son)in my house go about their chores and lives in quiet. It is just normal now. Our two daughters and I are quite talkative and the boys always listen and only talk when asked to.

Anonymous said...

Ms. Nancy, you wrote that when you come home you kick off your shoes and drop the clothes here and there and Denis picks it up. Could you tell us more about the personal services that Dennis gives to you?
Jim

Mr Sandra said...

Thank you for the comments about teh men needing to be given things to do. It's so true. I've been finding myself bored in my marriage this week, like my attention is diverted. It's because I'm craving assignments from her. You are so right.

Nancy and Dennis said...

Mr. Sandra -

It's advisable that women give their husband a routine of work that he is responsible for. He should be doing some amount of housekeeping every day, day-in-day-out. This keeps him productively occupied. Over time, as he becomes more efficient - and he should - she can add more tasks to his domestic workload. Now the purpose of a routine is to be able to put a man on automatic, so to speak. He comes home, knows what he's to do, knows how it's supposed to be done, and does it. Minimal time taken from whatever she wants to do. Women don't have time telling men what to do task by task. It's a waste of time and more game playing than serious commitment.

NOW, in absence of your wife giving you "assignments"... Does she have to tell you everything? Do you somehow not know what needs to be done? Get off your backside and do something!

N

Nancy and Dennis said...

Anonymous ("...tell us more about the personal services...")

In a future post, maybe. And "personal services" are not what you think.

N


Nancy and Dennis said...

Anonymous (Asking about dennis' aprons and "What produced a female-led dynasty?") --

Well, aprons - some plain, some elaborate - are a tradition in my family. When family gets together, the women gather in the living room to talk while the men congregate in the kitchen where they will be preparing and serving meals. So, it's natural they wear aprons. But it's come to show more than who's cooking; it shows who's giving and taking orders! Who's serving and who's being served. dennis wearing an apron is mandatory whether he's cooking or not.

Since my grandmother, the women have been firmly in charge of things. Why? They just did a better job of managing things and of controlling the money. AND they put their foot down and insisted on taking control. What one of my aunts did was quickly copied by her sisters, so things went on from there. Strong women + sensible acquiescent men = solid female-led-marriages... and dynasty.

N




Nancy and Dennis said...

For Femsup --

I believe you have been told by someone on this forum before, we are WOMEN, not womyn...

N

Khorina said...

Ms Nancy, thanks for the article, very clear again as everything you do ... I wish these articles are promoted and obedience appreciated in husbands.

Anonymous said...

Most respectfully Ms. N, thank You for responding if only to tell me I will have to keep on being curious. You could have simply ignored me but I appreciate the courtesy of a response.

J said...

Siobhan,

Keeping the males quiet is a great way to set a proper hierarchy in the house. What are the ages of your son and daughters if i may ask?

Siobhan said...

J;
Our daughters are 15 and 10 while our son is 14.

J said...

Dear Siobhan,

I'm very interested in this subject for personal reasons, so pardon my curiosity. So few is written about the subject of family.

Are your son and husband also obedient towards there 10 year old sister/daughter? If so, in what ways do they show? And if so, how did you accomplish this?

Thank you for your time,
J

Anonymous said...

Could you please elaborate on how women are superior, I agree with you, but would also like to know in what ways they're superior

Anonymous said...

Could you please elaborate on how women are superior, I agree with you, but would also like to know in what ways they're superior

WSY said...

This is a wonderful article. Thank you, Ms. Nancy. Marriages work so much better when men obey Women and give the the respect, deference, and service they deserve. And let's face, a lot of men find it very fulfilling to obey a Woman.

I like Siobhan's description of the hierarchy in her household. Teaching boys to obey and respect women is a great thing

Siobhan said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Mark Remond said...

Siobhan,

I can't help but ask a followup curiosity question...

You write that "a father should never be in obedience to a 10 year old daughter," which I completely understand. But earlier you stated that "Our daughters are 15 and 10." Is your older daughter, as a young woman, permitted any greater latitude in what you allow her to ask or demand of her father?

I ask also because I recall that there was a definite change in my behavior toward my daughter during those pre-teen and early teen years; and by the time she was 15 (with my wife's permission)I was certainly at her beck and call!

WSY said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Siobhan said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Mark Remond said...

Siobhan -

Thanks you so much for responding to my query, and WSY's. I am deeply moved and humbled to have played a small and facilitating role in the creation of your female-led family--through the publication of Beckie Sue's various articles on female superiority and her female-led family. Perhaps like your husband, I found those articles transformative of my worldview and my role in it--finally coming to terms with my own inferiority vis-a-vis women in general and my wife, and daughter, specifically. How I wish Beckie Sue might read these comments of yours and respond. Alas, I haven't heard from her in some years.

WSY said...

Siobhan,

Thanks for sharing more details about your family. Your kids are getting the right training ! I think it's important for kids to grow up in an environment where females get the respect and deference they deserve.

If you don't mind, I have another question. You mention having talks with your daughters about female superiority. What was their initial reaction? How long did it take them to become comfortable with this new way of thinking?

As someone else mentioned, you might want to consider doing your own blog here.

Thanks,

WSY

WSY said...

For Mark Remond,

I'm new to this site and hadn't heard of Beckie Sue before. Now that I've gone back and done some reading in older posts, I can see how incredibly impressive and influential she was. I too wish she was still on the site.

WSY

Anonymous said...

Ms Nancy, (from Devoted Hubby)

The part about men having to shut up and listen is well-put, if a little hard to bear! My wife is the breadwinner and the natural leader between us (that's why she is a senior executive and I'm at home part time!). The plain truth is that what she has to say about her day and her stresses are always more important than my issues. I have learned to be a good listener and frankly find what she does for a living more interesting than what I do. For me an evening spent thoughtfully listening to her work issues and offering whatever advice I can is a rewarding way to end off the day!

Nancy and Dennis said...

Devoted Hubby -

Yes, men do need to learn to listen. Of course you need to listen very intently when she is speaking directly to you, but it goes further, much further!

Listen anytime women are speaking. If you accompany your wife to a party, for example, listen to her conversations with other women. Listen to talk shows that are directed at women. Go to a Feminist lecture or program and just listen. Read books and magazines directed at women; what are women saying? What do they feel is important? How do you feel about what you are hearing? Men who take the time to listen quickly realize that what women have to say makes a lot of sense. These men quickly want to support women, adopt their agendas, and yes, adopt a Female-led lifestyle.

Historically men have dominated conversation and have been dismissive of women's opinions and interests. Men did the talking and women listened; or, rather, men thought they did. Women weren't really listening to men at all; women were having their own conversations about things that were important to them and really important in a much broader context. Women's conversations have always been important and worth listening to. Even more so today with women assuming more leadership positions in business and government as well as their taking control at home.

What women say counts, just ask any political pollster; they're very much concerned with what women think; no one wants to hear what men think. Women matter - men don't!

My husband and I usually socialize with other progressive couples. On occasion we'll go to a party with few, if any, progressive couples. The men and women gather separately to socialize. My husband is often dragged into male conversations which he finds boring and pointless. He takes the first opportunity to break away and join the women where he is happy to just listen. He's thrilled to be invited into the women's discussions where he presents himself well because he is aware of women's issues and respects their opinions. Women friends have complimented me on my husband's behavior. While other men are dismissive of women, Dennis is polite, supportive, and aware.

When we're in a social situation with other progressive couples, it's a very different environment. Men and women intermix and the conversation is noticeably centered on what society might broadly call women's issues. No prodding to do so, it's just that the attendees realize that women's issues are more interesting and matter more. Progressive gentlemen are sufficiently knowledgeable of women's issues to participate in discussions with women and to make meaningful contributions to those discussions - traditional patriarchal males are not - that's why women exclude them.

Some conversational advice:

- Listen to your wife and what she has to say
- Speak when given the opportunity or asked your opinion
- Be brief in your responses; if she wants to hear more she'll let you know
- Your wife doesn't want to listen to your complaints and problems, so don't talk about them
- Show her you agree with what she is saying
- Politely ask questions about what she is saying; it's a great way to show interest, show her you value her conversation, and to learn something

I'm sure I could come up with a longer list of things for men to do around the subject of conversation, but the most important would be to listen, listen and learn.

Anonymous said...

(Devoted Hubby here)

Thank you, Ms Nancy, for the added pointers. I do feel very comfortable with all of your conversational advice points, and have been doing those for a couple of years now. What I find validates their effectiveness is how much closer we are now and how much easier the flow of our relationbship is. She now assumes I am there to offer my complete attention to her work issues and other stresses, and although she would be a little embarrassed to admit it, she spends very little time asking me about my work, which she rightly assumes is not of great concern to either of us. That may sound lop-sided but it is very liberating for us both. Our conversational topics also cover our family and kids and our religious faith and, increasingly, things she buys for the house including her clothing purchases. I realize how much she enjoys talking about the choices she makes and she wants to know I am supportive of her, which I am. She is a terrific decision-maker and anything that interests her interests me.

Crystal Domme said...

I enjoyed reading your post. Very insightful.

Thank you

Lady Domme

Anonymous said...

I have to disagree with some of the above. I am in a FLR with my wife. I do not do all the housework because I work and she does not. FLR does not have to be about D/S. After all, it is just a role reversal of a traditional male led relationship. I do not understand why it becomes a D/S or BDSM thing just because the roles are reversed. Sounds like a male fantasy more than simply acknowledging that your wife is in charge and has final say in most matters.

We have a very workable FLR situation. My wife and I jointly discuss all major decisions like relocating, buying a house, etc. If we cannot come to a decision, she has final say assuming she is qualified to make that decision. After all, you would not allow your wife to drive off of a cliff just to prove her authority over you.

My wife has no say over my work because she is not involved in it or understands it. Other than that, she controls all else and can ask for my opinion when she wants. Let's remember that we love each other and she does not want to treat me like a slave and I have no desire to be one. Any BDSM or D/S is strictly limited to the bedroom when we want to play.

We find that our kind of FLR lifestyle works great for us. Before we both loved each other so much that most of our decisions were based on what we thought the other would want. That grew tiresome and did not always end the way we thought it would. Now life is so much easier. We no longer go back and forth on things like we used to. If asked what I wanted to watch on TV, for example, I would respond that I did not care and she should pick the show. She would then respond the same way and this would go back and forth until one of us had to make a decision. This applied to which restaurant, movie or other place we would go. Each of us was afraid of making the other unhappy with our choice.

Life is now much simpler. I am freed of the burden of worrying about whether or not my choices for us will please my wife. She now decides for the both of us, knowing that I am happy when she is happy. She does not take her 'power' to the extreme though and will occasionally make decisions that favor me. Remember that we are a loving couple and not slave and master.

To sum it up, just imagine a traditional marriage where the man is in charge and just flip it and that is what we have. No matter who is in charge, we still care about our spouse and take their needs and wants into consideration. However, my wife has final say. This has also resulted in me going from doing no housework to now doing about 25% of it since I work long days and she does not work. It is a fair sharing of the household work load. Of course, she loves her evening foot and body massages and loves giving me orgasms. I am happiest when I have a lot of sex and do not understand why a male would want to be denied orgasms. I think that chastity is more in the realm of male fantasy land than in actual practice. Sure some practice it but it is a very small number compared to those who fantasize about it.

So to all who spend time with us, they will see a very attentive husband. I am not embarrassed to have others see me serve my wife and attend to her needs. She on the other hand, does not make a show of exercising her authority over me in public. Just wanted to weigh in here to let people know that a FLR can be whatever you want it to be. Make it fill the needs of both of you and not follow some instructions on the internet.

Anonymous said...

I agree! Raising your child to believe that one sex is literally better than the other, and raising them as a second class citizen sounds like good old fashion child abuse. I live in a FLR as well, but it's caring since she actually does love me. This literally believed female supremacy is just working against the cause of those of us that actually care about woman. Healthy people will react, as will that poor kid who will grow up to hate girls. Poor kid!

Polly said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

My wife was always a little bossy when we were dating. But after we got married, it was pretty clear that what she wanted was a FLR. She never formly came out and said that, but her personality was such that she moved us in that direction..

There was contention between us for awhile. But since my wife is the breadwinner, she took control of the finances and paying the bills. After that, I learned pretty fast that I would be submitting to her authority. I work part-time, but the money I make is nothing compared to hers.

So at this point, the housework is my responsibility. She will leave me notes around the house about what to do. I also get daily lists occasionally. I don't really make major decisions. My wife makes most of them on her own. She corrects me a lot, especially on what I should say or think. Both at home and in public. She sees my role mostly as taking care of the house and serving her.

I do wear a maid uniform at home most days, while doing the housework. If my wife happens to be home, she spends her time relaxing. That has really helped me to submit. It's a visual cue and reinforces who is wearing the pants.

So at this point, I'm pretty much at ease knowing I'm in FLR. At first, when she was gaining all the control, I felt threatened. Maybe that's why we argued for awhile. But now I've gotten to the point where I'm comfortable with it. I know my job in the home is to let her be the boss.

It was after the fact that I started reading about FLRs. Once I read blogs like yours, I knew how my relationship had been set up.