Thursday, January 3, 2013

NANCY & DENNIS: MOVING AHEAD WITH A FEMALE-LED MARRIAGE – PART 2



Nancy writes: Women are bringing higher levels of education, solid experience, and a female perspective and demeanor that all fit well within an information-age economy. It's a woman's world. Women are increasingly in a position to control and manage both their work and personal lives and have every reason to do so. And, directly addressing women readers of this blog now, let me say that not only will you be happy taking control, but your man is going to be fulfilled, too.


Many men, upstaged by women in the workplace, are looking for a domestic role in support of a dynamic career woman. Fifty years ago women sought security by 'marrying well'  -- that is, by marrying a man with high career potential. Women at that time married above themselves. Today it's the same, only it's the MEN who are looking to marry a successful career woman; they are looking to marry above themselves! Yes, they're anxious to support a woman by becoming homemakers – so take advantage, ladies! There are some easy – well, relatively easy – steps to take. Here are the first two:
Step 1 – Recognize Your Innate Superiority and Act Accordingly
Unfortunately, many successful career women don't want to pursue female-led relationships because they fear some sort of social backlash. This may have been the case fifty years ago, but not today! Women are increasingly in dominant roles, while men are more submissive. Do you want to go home after a hard day of managing a company to cook dinner and clean up the kitchen? While hubby watches football!? Or do you want what you deserve -- to be welcomed home to a spotless house by an admiring husband, served dinner, and waited on? That's an easy question and you can have it your way!


Think about a few things:

  • Women are emotionally, intellectually, and morally superior to men. We deserve to be in charge.
  •  No Guilt! Don't feel guilty about controlling your relationship, about giving orders, or about controlling the money. And don't hesitate in confronting him when necessary; from our workshops many men tell us that when you do, he's likely to back down. Lesson learned? SHE'S THE BOSS!
  • Men Love BITCHES! In the workshops we conduct, men consistently tell of their admiration for strong, assertive, alpha women and how desirable these women are. Do you think that sexy is a size 2 dress size?  Think again!  A size 12 woman with an attitude will trump the petite model any day!  Men want to work for strong women, serve them, obey them, and marry them. They see a positive relationship with strong women as security for themselves in a world where gender roles have been turned upside down.
  • Men Love To Be Told What To Do! This is also a consistent message from our workshops and one that my husband also confirms. To their credit, most men really want to please women, but are clueless about what we want; so, ladies, tell them! And I don't mean tell them every little thing – that's game playing. Rather, lay out a broad routine of work and personal service and train him to do it; make it clear that this is what you expect. Every day he should have assigned housework to perform, errands, to run, and shopping to do -- in addition to looking after you. Men love routine and by providing one you make him happy. He'll feel that he is accomplishing something -- and he is! If he does as instructed, to your standards, then he will make you happy -- and he wants you to be happy, he really does! If he messes up though, he should understand that there will be consequences.

Step 2 - Start Early

Start asserting yourself early in a relationship. That first date or first chance meeting is an opportunity to condition him to your making the decisions. What we hear is that men are attracted to an assertive alpha woman, so make sure he sees that side of you.
  • Allow him to suggest but NEVER to decide; you're the decision maker and he needs to accept that.
  • Expect him to pay your way; it's a first step toward your managing the money later.  Besides, dating you is a privilege!
  • Make requests of him as a way of his learning to obey; over time requests become instructions. And put aside 'please' and 'thank you'.  They're not needed.
You can move slowly to establish your leadership, but if he shows acceptance – and most men will – by all means move more quickly. As he accepts your authority, you can be more direct and assertive. Expect him to do more and more for you over time.  I never counted on Dennis doing all for me that he does, but it's happened.  And, of course, once you've moved beyond a point, there's no going back; an FLR is forever!

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

Nancy, I really find your writing visionary and inspiring. So, forgive me if I give some of my own thoughts that supplement yours. I hope these will be seen as supporting your points.
I want to offer some thoughts on your assertions that 1) women are the future and 2) women are emotionally, intellectually, and morally superior to men. These are not statements that in the present climate will receive anything close to majority assent because they don't seem to reflect existing facts, but they nonetheless have a truth-power that trumps equality. Pragmatism and science tell us that truth is not just something that a statement reflects; it is something that happens to a statement as a result of what people do with it (experimenting or acting in the world).
So, are women superior? I believe so—from the vantage point of qualities that infuse women's intent and actions. These are qualities such as compassion, an instinctive connection with others, thinking of the whole rather than just the part, emotional openness, love of beauty, and others. They are superior to men’s typical qualities and everyone knows this, even if they can't admit it. In the present period of gender quake, women have been taking the best of what men have to teach, but men can't learn from women. Why? The patriarchal ego that men possess won’t allow them to lower themselves to learn these things from women.
To believe (even if one doesn't say so) that women are superior solves this problem. It allows men to look up to women for leadership, as role models, and as teachers. At the same time, it helps give women the confidence that they can be all three things for men and for society as a whole. Over time, if enough men move into care-giving and nurturing roles as homemakers, and supportive and secondary roles in the workplace, and women ascend to society's top positions, the truth of women's superiority will become a commonplace. But, it was always a submerged truth struggling to come to light.
From women's point of view and a spiritual and evolutionary point of view as well, women have been held back so long (5000 years or so) that they need to "come into their own" for humanity to continue to advance beyond this present point in history. But the only way for this to happen is for men to support them emotionally and take up many of the more menial tasks that are holding women back. To me this is pretty obvious from the point of view of the human race as a whole. Women and men can move into these new relationships of fulfillment only when their beliefs channel their actions in the right direction. Women's superiority is one such belief--a valid pathway to a noble goal (another is giving preference to women's values, ways of thinking etc. over those of men).
In that respect, I don't see the belief in women's superiority as anything like the belief in racial or national superiority. That is because women and men are so intimately tied together in intimate and familial relationships. The success of each is tied closely to that of the other.
Yes, women are the future, but at the present time also our hope and faith. Eventually, as Blanche Black puts it in her summary of studies of actual matriarchies: "collective female decisions and activities [will] override the importance of male activities for society because of the concentration of socio-economic power among women. Men then focus on and respond to the interests of women as social habit, because that’s where the public interest is, that’s where important things are happening, and that’s where all the fun is. As a result, men come to emulate and learn from the female values of the women. Women constitute the 'popular crowd' in their society because of their success, and because of their solidarity, which seem to go hand in hand." Only then, will the deep wounds created by patriarchy be healed.
I passionately affirm this future and I look forward to more thoughts and experiences from Nancy and Dennis.

LS

Khorina said...

Ms Nancy -

Thank you very much for your article. As a husband, it just clarifies my place and makes me feel comfortable in my achievements.

I loved your comment in a previous thread where you talk about the 4 main threads of an FLR (1-obedience,2-domestic service,3-Personal service).

As the rules in this post, anything that clarifies roles I think helps a lot. Thank You!

Anonymous said...

An excellent template, for the most part.

I would only take exception to one point - when you suggest that women can "put aside 'please' and 'thank you'. They're not needed."

To me, this strikes a jarring note. There is no doubt about who wields authority in our house. However, my wife and I both believe that her superiority, my subordinate position and our acknowledgement of both as a permanent state do not exclude politeness. Manners still count - in an FLR, more than ever, it seems to me.

If I can draw a military parallel here, it used to be said that sergeants would tell new recruits: "You will call me sir, and I will call you sir. The only difference is that you will mean it!" Politeness oils the wheels of any relationship. The fact that my wife tells me to "paint the bathroom, please" or "kneel at my feet, please" does not make these orders less absolute. I understand that they are to be carried out immediately, but my respect for wife's courtesy makes me doubly determined to do as I am asked.

Anonymous said...

Thirty five years ago in law school I realized I really wanted to be a househusband to an aggressive Woman lawyer. It didn't happnen. However, today young males fortunate enough to get into law school could probably pursue that path either with older Female Law Review editors or with Cougar Female Law firm partners who hire them for the summer.

Anonymous said...

I'm a big fan of this blog. I hope it is around for a long time .After being married for 17 years my wife and I decided to try a FLR. All I can say it has been the best decision we have made in our marriage. It has been about a year and a half and I love seeing my wife gain confidence with her being the head of our household. We love our new roles and are excited about our future of are relationship now more than ever.

Nancy and Dennis said...

For Anonymous ("An excellent templates...")"

You make an interesting point but I'll stand by my statement in terms of the dynamics of my own and other FLRs with which I'm familiar. We're no less polite and considerate of each other; don't get the impression that I am yelling at my husband, telling him to do every little thing; I am not. For us, 'please' and 'thank you' would imply that I am making a request that is somehow fulfilled at his pleasure; it is NOT. It implies that we are somehow equals; we are NOT. I am in charge and give the orders; he understands that and follows them. When he's told to do something, he does it - he doesn't have an option.

My being direct reinforces our respective roles in our relationship and that's important; all women in FLRs should be doing this. When I tell him to do something and he does it - which he WILL - he is recognizing both my authority and his role . He'll tell you he is gets satisfaction by fulfilling my request no matter what it is. It makes him feel important. It makes both of us feel good. From time to time I'll send him out on an obscure errand - say to pick up a pack of cigarettes that one can only buy at a store across town - and he'll get excited about doing it, excited about serving me. And I enjoy seeing him respond to my authority.

My husband works to a well-documented routine, something that I feel is important. I don't tell him every little thing to do - that's playing games - I may give him orders from time-to-time; otherwise he does what's expected of him on that particular day of the week. On Saturday he does the laundry, on Sunday he irons; he serves our meals, keeps the kitchen clean, looks after mother and me, and busies himself with keeping the house in order every day. And he knows that if he's completed a task, he's to get that feather duster moving. He knows he has to be productive!

As for you saying that your wife's courtesy makes you "doubly determined to do as you are asked," you are going against the feelings of a lot of men who prefer women who are very direct. Dennis' boss and I are, by any measure, bitches and NEVER have a shortage of men wanting to work for us. Direct communications removes uncertainty and men love knowing exactly what is expected of them.

One of the advantages of a man being in a female-led relationship or working for a strong woman is that he knows exactly what is expected of him - my husband does, and he knows I love and care for him.

N

Anonymous said...

Thanks for taking the trouble to reply (9:34 AM), Ms Nancy.

I'm sure that my wife would be appalled at the notion that we were somehow "equal"! I guess that I hadn't considered the possibility that use of please and thank you might indicate that I had a choice in responding to her requests. I hope that I did not convey the impression that I'm unclear about what is expected of me.

Interestingly, my wife is of entirely like mind with you when setting out her expectations of me. First, a long way ahead of anything else, is obedience. Without this, we are agreed, an FLR is merely an academic concept. Her word is law, so to speak, in whatever language she chooses to phrase it.

The "removal of uncertainty" that you speak of is another relevant point, it seems to me. I can see how this might add weight to my wife's existing authority and remind us both of our respective places if that should be necessary. It may be that when I speak to her of this most interesting exchange she will choose to mix and match her delivery!

Thanks again - the opinions of people with greater experience than us of the journey to a proper FLR are incredibly useful.

Nancy and Dennis said...

To Anonymous ("I'm a big fan..."):

Better late that never! I'm glad that you are enjoying the lifestyle and especially that your wife is too. She'll continue to gain confidence and your relationship will grow. Try and do more for her every day and you both will be very happy.

N

Nancy and Dennis said...

For Anonymous ("Thanks for taking the trouble..."):

My husband is certainly obedient but still, we find it important to do little things that emphasize our roles within our relationship. "Please" and "thank you" have an entirely different message, and that message runs counter to the realities of an FLR. When she speaks, he listens and does as he's told, PERIOD! He has no options as to when to do what she says. Same with 'thank you'; it has an entirely different message in an FLR. To say thank you is to imply that he did something that was optional and as a favor to her - not so! And saying thank you also implies that he's completed a task to her satisfaction; it may keep him from trying to improve - and men can always improve!

Anonymous said...

I agree with Nancy that such words as "please" and "thank you" shouldn't be used by the couple living in FLR. Such a practice is so inappropriate that could be compared to the situation when the boss is permanently thanks her/his subordinate employees for the work they must do. The same with the housework, routine errands, etc. This is not the man's beneficence or even help that's his obligation and a common state of affairs which should be taken for granted. The main concept is that being served and ordering man whatever she wants, woman exercise her basic rights. There is nothing to pay attention for while the man's non-fulfillment is obliqueness. She shouldn't thank anyone for receiving what she deserves.
X

Anonymous said...

Wife certainly has no obligation to say "please" or "thank you" or to apologize for anything. I am property, completely subject to Her whims no matter how arbitrary I might find them and She can certainly scream at me or beat me whenever She wishes. However, if She decides to say please and thank you and maybe even "I'm sorry" if She loses Her temper with me, is that not Her choice? I am less likely to respond if She says "Honey could you please take out the garbage" than if She says, "Slave take the garbage out now" and slaps my behind hard but perhaps that is a failing in me, not Her. Since Wife's authority is absolute and arbitrary She can speak to me however She wants, right? It would seem that She is required to conform to Ms. N's ettiquette only in situations where She has been loaned Ms. N's husband. At least this is how this male sees it.

Nancy and Dennis said...

Anonymous ("Please and thank you") -

You read way too much into my comments. Your wife can speak however she pleases; I'm not telling anyone how to act. My point was that 'please' may imply that an order can be carried out at one's leisure. Additionally, 'thank you' might imply total satisfaction with the service provided or that a special favor was somehow granted. Any requests she makes isn't optional and any service performed can be improved upon.

And, incidentally, you will NEVER hear me refer to my husband, or anyone for that matter. as 'slave'

N

Anonymous said...

Again Ma'am I thank You and Your husband for responding. I suspect there are times when Wife is harsher with me than You are with Dennis and other times She is more indulgent. You are correct that I am more obedient when She uses a direct imperative tone. As I said, this is my failing not Hers. However, She does tell me that I am a work in progress and must earn the right to be in Her service every day. As to how She refers to me slave is the most polite term. She also likes to address me with a term that in polite company should probably be spelled be-atch or some variation thereof.