Monday, January 28, 2013

NANCY & DENNIS: CONTROLLING THE MONEY




Controlling the family finances is one thing that ALL women should be doing. Managing the finances is more than just paying bills. It's about determining what is spent, where and on what. It's about treating yourself to things you're entitled to as the female head of household. It's about closing the wage gap on a very personal level! It's about control! Remember ladies, money is power! Seize that power!

Why should women control the money? Women are better money managers than men. Men tend to overspend and rarely know what they have spent money on. Men spend too much on friends, buying too many lunches and too many rounds of drinks at the bar. Men also spend too much on tools and toys they'll never use. When women take control of spending, she is doing both herself and her man a big favor. With me in charge, my husband's spending went way down. And those tools and toys that he absolutely needed a week earlier – well, when money isn't available, the need will pass and the money he would have spent can be saved, invested – or used for something really important, like a new pair of red pumps for me! And he agrees that the pumps are more important!

You may decide to tell your husband something about the finances, but you should be in control. Dennis has his paycheck deposited into a joint account, and I transfer those funds into my account. Once the money is in my account, I do with it as I please, paying bills, making investments, setting aside money for vacations and girls' nights out, and, yes, for my personal spending.

Ladies, don't feel guilty about spending “his” money! It's not his at all – it's yours – and he should understand that. Men in female-led marriages want the wife to spend their money – it reinforces your respective roles and men like this. They love providing for women and love being reminded of their place and of their vulnerabilities. It's a great way to make a man feel your power. I sometimes take Dennis shopping so he can watch me spend “his” money. I tell him that his money is hanging in my closet, on my shoe rack, or in my jewelry box. It's an emotional rush for both of us, but in different ways.

Some ways I control money:

Direct deposit - Dennis' paycheck is deposited in a joint account twice a month. On the day of deposit I transfer the funds into my account. And don't let your man tell you that his company doesn't offer direct deposit; they all do, it saves them hundreds a year in check printing costs.

Pay stubs – I review Dennis' pay stub to understand what is being taken out; I make any adjustments that I feel are needed. Women have to watch deductions for savings plans, credit unions, and so on. Make sure that what's being deducted is being deposited and remains in the account. Dennis told me about two men who were having “savings plan” deductions made only to immediately take them out to spend. Their wives were informed – end of deception – punishment administered – wives firmly in control! So, ladies, carefully review any savings plan statements and make sure that they are consistent with what is being withdrawn from your man’s pay.

ATM and credit cards – Women should be closely monitoring and controlling their man's use of ATM and credit cards. Better still, prohibit him from carrying them at all. This eliminates the temptation to spend money. Dennis is not allowed to carry ATM or credit cards. If he's fueling the cars or doing the grocery shopping, he is allowed to borrow an ATM card but ONLY after asking permission. When he returns he has to give back the card with receipts for purchases he made. A woman friend's husband was spending hundreds monthly that he could not account for. Taking his ATM card solved the problem.

Major purchases - Women should be responsible for all major purchases since these have a large financial impact. I make all major purchase decisions. Dennis is involved only with those that directly concern him, such as the new iron we bought a few months ago. And his being involved doesn't mean he makes the final decision, I do!

Allowance – Dennis receives a generous allowance twice monthly for his personal spending. This has to last him two weeks, and if it doesn't, he won't get any more.

Even though the allowance is for his use, he has to account for his spending. If he's unable to account for his spending when I ask, I may reduce his next allowance by the amount he can't account for. This encourages him to manage his money better.

Again, even though his allowance is for his use, he has to ask my permission for any purchase over $50. He has to justify what he wants to buy. The last time he asked, I told him, “No” and said that if he had $50 to waste, I could put it to good use and used it to buy new shoes.

You might consider only giving him money when he asks and can justify why he wants it. A woman who does this says it's more work but does cut down on his spending. He doesn't ask unless he really thinks he can justify it. An added benefit is that his having to come to her reminds him who's in charge.

Financial discipline – When my husband falls short of my expectations, there are consequences depending on what he's done, or not done, as the case may be. Denying him money or, better still, making him pay a fine encourages better behavior and reminds him who's boss. I insist that Dennis pay his fines in cash in an envelope accompanied by an apology note.

Some other points:

Dennis can have no more than $20 in his wallet at one time unless he asks my permission and justifies why he needs to carry more. This cuts down on the temptation to spend.

Check his wallet for more money than he's supposed to have, receipts, and so on. If he has more than he should have, Dennis forfeits it and may also have to pay a fine. He has to explain any receipts he might have. It cuts down on spending and reinforces our roles.

When he asks for money make him justify it.

When he asks for money, don't give him a quick answer; make him wait. If he keeps asking, deny his request.

When he asks for money, only give him some of what he asks; it's a great way to exercise your authority. If he complains, he gets nothing.

When he asks for money, give it to him but only for something in return, doing some chores for a woman friend, for example.

30 comments:

Siobhan said...

My husband also deposits his paycheck into a joint account. He handles the finance and pays the bills as I do not enjoy that task. At the end of every month he prints off the checking account activity and gives it to me for approval. This checking account is only for monthly bills that are budgeted. All other money is sent to another account for myself only.

He does not carry any debit or credit card. He must have only $20 on him. If less than that, he must have receipts and I will replenish the $20.

Two years ago, I sold his car and he eventually surrendered his drivers license once we determined there would be no need for it. When we sold his car, I traded mine in for a better model. He takes the transit to and from work each day.

Kathy said...

This in general is very good advice. My husband carries a credit card with a small limit. This is primarily for groceries and gas.

The use of the card enables you to monitor excately when and where pruchases occur. Except for routine purchases he is not allowed use of the card without permission.

The other area that should be monitored is his work expense account. If your husband travels for a living, entertains clients, or whatever; make sure that you see his expense account. Make sure his expense account checks are going into your bank account. Several years ago my husband used his expense account money for a dominatrix. Kathy

Nancy and Dennis said...

Kathy -

Thank you for mentioning the need for women to monitor their man's expense account. Very good advice! Dennis' has an expense account when he travels on company business. One aspect to focus on is how expenses are reimbursed. If anything is due him, it is included in his paycheck, which I transfer into my account in its entirety. I do review his expense reports to make sure that what is due him is entirely included in his check and, eventually, makes its way into my account. Women should be aware also that in some companies expenses can be reimbursed to a credit card that the man can then spend as he sees fit. Crack down on this one, ladies! My husband hasn't improperly directed funds. He certainly told me about the practice though, and I've passed this along to other wives who have cracked down on their husbands.

dennis receives an allowance. If he wants to make a major purchase, he asks permissions even if he has the money for it. If I approve, I may allow him to use a debit card for all or part of the price for the item he wants. But I have to approve and that's not something that happens all that often. Men are frivolous with money; they want to buy so many toys. I find that if I make him wait for a while after asking for money for something, his urgent "need" passes without my ever turning him down. For gas and groceries he can, after asking, use a debit card; receipts are required for my review.

Your bringing up expense accounts and business travel is important; I have some rules around business travel and work in general. It may make for a good post to see what other women are thinking and doing. Business travel presents an opportunity for a man to misbehave and overspend, so it's important that wives know what is going on on business trips. I have a network of friends - mostly women but a few progressive gentlemen, too - who keep an eye on things going on at work and during business trips. The women report what goes on and alert others if there's anything amiss. The men know they are being watched, although not by whom, so it results in good behavior during their time away from the guiding hand of their wives. When Dennis goes out of town, he gives me a complete briefing on what went on, both with him and others. I pass along anything that might be useful to other wives.

Thanks again for your comments...

N


Anonymous said...

Once again another great topic. My wife and I are in our fifty's and have recently began a FLR.Giving up control of all my money was something I was a little apprehensive about. I quickly learned we had made the right choice when we sold two houses and purchased our new one. She made all the financial decisions as to what to offer and sell ours for which saved us thousands of dollars from what I wanted to offer. She also manages our retirement fund.I feel very comfortable going into our so called golden years with my wife managing our finances. This is how it should be.

Mr. Beth said...

Miss Nancy,

One thing my Wife does is make me give Her receipts of any purchase I make. And when I mean any, it can be for a stick of gum. Every single cent I spend must be accounted for at all times. She keeps a bin for me and I place them in there every time I have one and then go through them with me and adjust my behavior if need be. Pretty much everything else You said is similiar to our household though I do the task of pay the bills since Miss Beth does not want to be bother with it.

Mr. Beth

Kathy said...

When men have too much money they will find a way to get into trouble. Many of you know the story of John and I through Femdom 101. My husband developed a relationship with a dominatrix.
Back then I trusted my husband with money. That was a mistake.
My advice to any young wife is to control the money.

The good part about credit cards is that all purchases are on line.
A quick look at the computer will tell you not only what your man spent money on, but where.

One other note on business travel.
When your husband travels on business make it a rule that he calls you when he checks into a hotel and provides you with the room number. Unless there is an evening meeting my husband is expected back in his room by 8:30. By calling the hotel phone instead of the cell phone you can verify his location. If he dosen't answer the room phone after 8:30 there better be a very good reason.

Kathy

Phred said...

Siobhan,

Please tell us more about your husbnad surrendering his driving privleges. Does he now have a state issued ID instead of a license? How does your husband food shop and do errends without a license?

Phred

Siobhan said...

Phred,

At the time, my car was needing replaced and I really wanted a Mini Cooper. We live near public transportation where he could walk a half mile to catch it and two blocks from where he works. He just loves to drive, and often on the way home, he goes out of his way. I looked at the cost of gas, insurance, repairs, etc compared to the cost of public transport, it was a huge savings.

I sold his car, and bought myself a larger car than the Mini. As our only car, you cannot get a weeks of groceries or anything else in the Mini.

Yes, my husband does have a state ID card. We go grocery shopping together. If we need anything for the house, I will get it. If he need anything for home repairs, I will drive him to Lowe's for it. We used a trial period of several months to see if he really needed a drivers license. There was only a couple of times it proved necessary, but the advantages to the wife (me) outway the disadvantages. When time came to renew his license, I had him ask for the state ID card instead.

He disagreed with this idea of course, and complained at first about the half mile to/from the transit. But I know he will not go anyplace else, just straight home. He is not allowed to leave the house except for work; especially since he can no longer drive. The change was difficult, but he agrees with the idea now of myself having freedom to go out when I feel like, and his surrendering his freedom to leave the house. His job once he gets home is to do his jobs around the house.

Nancy and Dennis said...

Ms. Kathy -

Thank you for your comments; I certainly agree! Your points on business travel are particularly important. I hear of so many men misbehaving when they go out of town on business. My husband has to provide me with his itinerary, including his airline and hotel reservations. Just as you suggest, I set a curfew for him when on business, in my case 9:00. He has to be in his room at that time and whenever mother or I have called he has been. One time when he wouldn't be, he called me in advance of his 9:00 curfew to let me know, apologizing profusely. He told me - and I was able to validate - that unexpected traffic delays were going to result in his being 20 minutes late. I called his room half an hour later and, yes, he was in his room as he had said. I knew he would be and wasn't going to call, but it's good for men to know you are vigilant.

Also say that one call may not be enough. Keep him on his nest behavior by repeatedly calling his room at the hotel. One woman's husband was in his room at 9:00 but not when she called at 10:00, 11:00, and 12:00. When he returned home and was confronted with the facts, he admitted to going back out drinking. There was hell to pay what with his getting drunk, being out in violation of curfew, having and spending money, and for his trying to deceive her. I've called Dennis at odd hours - 3:00 AM to check on him -- and he's been where he should be.

Unfortunately men need to be watched - or need to think they are being watched - in order to be on their best behavior. It's not entirely their fault; men are weak creatures and the pressures of the patriarchal world are strong. But instead of giving in, men should be coming back to their wives for reinforcement in times of temptation. It's also good if there are male voices that deliver a message that runs counter to what other men might say. When presented an opportunity, Dennis encourages men to tow the line and defer to their wives, even though their wives might be 500 miles away. He also lets me know of goings on while out of town, especially when men he's with misbehavers.

N

Anonymous said...

I agree men do need to be watched. When I leave work if I'm going to be 5 or ten minutes late I will call or text my wife and let her know why. Or if my cell phone goes off in the middle of the night I always let her know why. We both trust and love each other very much but it is my responsibility to my wife.

Anonymous said...

My girlfriend is able to keep an ever watchful eye on me through my cellphone. She has all the privacy invasive software turned on for it (the kinds they have for parents to be able to track their children and such).

With the gps activated (which it is), she's able to track my phone's location down to the room in the house that it's in. I've seen the logs she keeps. She can tell me where I was four or five weeks ago (down to within 10 feet). When I'm on travel, I know I can't make any unnecessary detours. It's also not as easy as leaving the cellphone back in the hotel room, because she will often call it just to make sure I answer.

Ladies, if your boyfriends or husbands use a cellphone, we'd recommend seeing what options are available to you to use this technology for both of your benefit.

Phred said...

Siobhan,

Thanks much for the very detailed reply! Please keep posting.

Phred said...

Siobhan,

On 2nd thought, you should start a blog! Think about it.

Anonymous said...

We are in the second month of our transition into my Wife-led fantasy lifestyle, and much of our time has been spent preparing for her to be in control of the money. As a result, we now have a great budget, and have drastically reduced my wasteful spending on alcohol and expensive lunches.
We work together to schedule the bill payments, but I have no direct access to cash unless she gives it to me. I currently get only $10 a week, so I have to eat sandwiches from home for lunch, and I am not allowed to buy booze, which has also allowed me to lose a few pounds.
She shredded all my checkbooks, and froze my credit with the credit bureau to prevent me from applying for loans or credit cards.
My paycheck goes into bank by direct deposit, and is then transferred into an account that I have no access to. She also has a safe deposit box where she keeps my credit and debit cards, and my emegency cash stash that I had saved up from my part-time job. There also a computer disk containing embarrassing photos of me that she threatens to expose if I try to withdraw from our new arrangement.
Eventually, she will not need my help in managing our finances, and I will be completely in the dark, which will be hard for me.

WSY said...

I'd give a man a lot of credit for giving control of the finances to his wife. Women are better financial managers than men, better at running the household, so it's only right. If a couple has kids at home, it's sets a good example for them if they can see how well things work when mom controls the money.... and makes the decisions.

I appreciated Nancy's comment about men needing to be watched to be on their best behavior. We males all grow up with macho influences, and benefit from some firm female control to keep us on the right path. A man who's enlightened enough to accept a woman's control in his life is miles ahead of other men.

Nancy and Dennis said...

For Siobhan (who had her husband surrender his driving license) --

An interesting way to keep a 'stay-at-home-husband' at home! Not sure how practical it is in most other situations since men in most FLRs that we know work and do shopping. I want my husband to drive and have access to a car if only for the reason that I don't want to have to drive him anywhere. I want to put my man on 'automatic' and have him take care of the routine shopping and housework. Now, he has to ask for permission to leave the house and is never permitted to be away for more then two hours, but he can use a car.

N

Nancy and Dennis said...

For Anonymous ("I agree men do need to be watched...") --

Letting your wife know if you're going to be late is a good idea, but your cell phone shouldn't be going off in the middle of the night at all. We have rules about phones, and the first is that he has access to a cell phone only when he is at work; it has to be surrendered when he comes home. I monitor all calls and usage for both his cell phone and our home phone - I'll talk about this later, but women need to be managing their man's phone calls because calls waste time - time when he should be doing housework. In addition, you want to clamp down on calls from men who only waste more time and promote bad ideas.

N

Nancy and Dennis said...

For Anonymous (whose girlfriend keeps an eye on him via her cellphone) --

Great use of new technology. The idea of calling the hotel room is a good one, but so are the other ideas you present. She should have you keep the cell phone on and with you at all times in case she wants to call - to talk or just to verify where you are. And she should have a rule stating that when she - or whomever she designates to check up on you - calls, that you immediately answer. Business meeting or not, her call is ALWAYS your priority. Dennis' boss, Carol, understands that. "I was in a business meeting" is NOT an excuse for not taking a wife's call! People are always leaving meetings to take calls; what can be more important than a call from your wife?

We know of a situation where a man away on business would be in his hotel room to take a call at 9:00, his curfew time. Soon after his wife, Jane, called with the evening check-up call though, he'd leave his phone in the room and go off to the bars for some partying. He got caught when the man asked my husband - traveling with him - to go out to the bars too. My husband turned him down, telling him it was against his wife's rules. The man was dismissive of his wife's rules and laughed at dennis for being "pussywhipped." Dennis called to tip me off about this other man's behavior. I allerted his wife who immediately called both his cell and his room - no reply! There was hell to pay the next day.

The solution here is simple: place random calls to his hotel room phone and make sure he answers. Jane made the mistake of thinking that once she checked on him, he would stay in his room for the rest of the night - bad assumption! She needs to randomly place other calls to his room to make sure he's there. When he realizes he's likely to get caught, he'll behave; and that's the point, instilling good behavior. In addition, if she was strictly controlling his money, he wouldn't have more than $20 and she would be checking his credit cards; he can't do much fooling around with $20 and no credit cards! Again, the rules are set up so his only choice would be to do what's right and that is doing what she wants.

Dennis rarely gets rewarded for anything, but Jane called and thanked him for the tip that allowed her to rein in her husband. Dennis believes in female-led relationships and lets wives know when something is amiss.

Another thing that worked - or rather didn't work - was patriarchy. The man asked dennis to go to the bars with him and assumed that he would - it's a 'guy thing', you know! He also assumed that Dennis would keep the 'bond of male solidarity' by keeping his secret - dennis didn't! And he won't! In fact, the man in question might have still been having his way if he followed one of my rules and that's that men should SHUT UP! If the man hadn't asked Dennis to go bar-hopping, dennis would have never known what this guy was doing to do since he - dennis - would have been in his room where he should be.

N

Nancy and Dennis said...

To Anonymous (in the second month of his wife-led fantasy lifestyle) --

You certainly present some real advantages of having a woman in charge and in control. I think men benefit just as much as do women!

N

Nancy and Dennis said...

To WSY -

Thank you so much for your wonderful comments. Female-led marriages work, and work well, for wife and husband. As for men needing to be watched, it is true, because of the strength of the patriarchy and because men are subject to temptation. But, as you say, men who accept women's control are miles ahead. Now we - all of us who understand the benefits of women-in-charge - need to spread the word into society at large.

Thanks again for posting!

N

WSY said...

To Nancy-

You're more than welcome. And thank you for having such a great blog. I just discovered this recently and look forward to coming here regularly.

I'm looking for an FLR, so it's always an inspiration to read about couples who make this work.

WSY

Anonymous said...

Its so nice to feel the soft but firm hand of control from a woman enforcing a curfew when suffering the heartache of being away from her. It makes one feel that she is still holding those invisible reins.

My curfew might be 9.00 pm but I would never be surprised to hear a phone call with lots of talking in the background as she enjoys herself knowing I am safe and sound indoors not getting up to any mischief.

femsup

Crystal Domme said...

The more i have controlled our money the more my slave husband is eager to make more.

I took a burden away from him so he can focus on work, productivity and sucess.

It works perfectly.



Lady Domme

Nancy and Dennis said...

Crystal Domme -

Oh, I agree so much! The firmer our control, the more our husbands respond! I make it a point to NEVER say thank you to him. I never let him think that what he's done is good enough; it never is, there's always room for a man to improve. When things are left open ended men will look to fill the void by doing better.

I also agree the controlling the money is a burden that we women take off our husbands, freeing them to do other things. I've relieved Dennis of the financial management burden as well as the burdens of making decisions allowing him to balance both a career and homemaking.

N

Siobhan said...

Nancy and Dennis:

I understand your question on having to take your time to drive him where he needs to go. We did consider any problems that might arise and why we had the "trial" period. There were several good reasons for this.

1. He always had a "good" excuse for going out to Lowes, etc. and got sidetracked. Or stopped somewhere on the way home from work. Usually he didn't need anything from the store, he just wanted to get out. We have a supermarket in walking distance that sells half of the stuff he could get at the hardware store. As for groceries, we always shopped together, I just drive instead of him.
Now he is always at home to do what I need him to do. I know where he is. When he is home, I have time to get out and enjoy myself more.

2. It saves money, car expenses (load payment, gas, repairs, insurance) has dropped drastically. If he doesn't drive, he doesn't use gas. The cost of public transportation is a fraction of this. I know not everyone lives near public transit and this would not be an option.

3. His not having a drivers license and car, is one area we are saving money. We were near the point I would have to go back to work, and I have the free time to pursue my own interests and friends

4 With his being home he always gets right in on the chores and I never have to check on him. This arrangement allows me more time and more money for myself.

Nancy and Dennis said...

Siobhan -

For your situation you have made the right decision. And, yes, men will find ways to waste time unless they are either watched closely or they simply don't have opportunities afforded them. In an FLR a woman has the responsibility of making and enforcing house rules and of keeping track of her man.

N

Nancy and Dennis said...

Siobhan --

I don't think it's very practical, keeping him from driving, that is, but I do think it opens up an entire dimension for being in control. In an urban environment a man can take public transportation. In the country or the suburbs a man isn't going too far from from home without a car. In fact, my husband will tell you that being isolated without a car made him feel totally controlled and dependent, in this case on my Aunt.

When Dennis and I were serious about our relationship, he'd accompany me home on weekends or during summer breaks and do housework and personal service for my Mother and Grandmother. It was a great way to improve his domestic skills, help him understand his place, and help my family.

Now my Aunt felt slighted that she wasn't getting any benefit from Dennis. Feeling sorry, we told her to take him to her place in the country for a week of - what she called - 'housekeeping boot-camp'. She lived 75 miles away on a rural road that was easily 10 miles from anything called a main road. Dennis was isolated, dependent and really felt her total control. The isolation kept him focused on her and on what she wanted. It was a great learning experience and my Aunt got her place cleaned top-to-bottom with Dennis often working long hours but enjoying it. He never worked so hard but he came home a much better - and more acquiescent - housekeeper. And any hesitation about working for my Aunt that he had before leaving was gone; he had a new respect for her and for her ways. He looked forward to 'housekeeping boot-camp' over the next three summers and from time-to-time afterwards.

So, I guess not driving has its advantages, saving money included, but, in my opinion, you should be able to keep him out of places like Lowe's simply by telling him "NO!" Dennis does a lot of shopping but he's ONLY allowed to shop where I say and nowhere else. He has to ask permission to go somewhere else and I don't often give him permission.

No matter, a female-led relationship is all about women doing what they want and that is what you are doing. If you are in control and happy, then that's all that matters.

N

Sissymaid Betty said...

Nice article, done and done in our house. :)

under her thumb said...

Yes that is great idea. I think the wife with total control of finance with husband on small allowance from her it's a basic of WLM.
I will enjoy when my wife take total control in this aspect in our marriage.
What do you think when everything is only on the wife name, not only bank accounts but too house, car etc.
For me it will be total dependent from her, i think that signing everything on her from bank accounts to house will no way back for me from her Wife Led Marriage.

additional idea is to sign a prenuptial agreement, establish a notarized maintenance to wife, and the total power of attorney for her

In this way every husband can stay a legal slave of her wife

I am very curious what do you thinks about total dependent a husband from her wife

Anonymous said...

I live in an FLR with my wife and gave up total control of my finances and income to my wife years ago. The issue we had was that I was able to make a lot of good investments (well over a $million) and once I gave this to my wife we quickly lost a sizable amount of money. She does not enjoy making money, only spending. We certainly don't live the full time bdsm I read above, but not having her in control of the money left me feeling unsatisfied. So my wife has decided to keep me in charge of the investing, since I can do this with better success, and we have divided an allowance for each other that greatly favors her. She also makes me lock my wallet and cell phone in a safe when I get home, that only she has the code for. That way I can't spend anything without getting her permission. I just wanted to say something so people get that just because your in an FLR doesn't mean your in a bdsm porno that most of these comments imply. I honor my wife because I love her and enjoy expressing my love for her this way. She also loves me and recognizes that there are some things I can do very well. The notion that woman are fundamentally better at everything and are therefor more valuable sounds like it belongs in male sex fantasies, a little antiquated for the real world.