ASK YOUR MOTHER

One wife worship theme I hope to feature with future guest bloggers is Female Led Families. It was my first guest blogger, Becky Sue, who introduced this idea to these pages:

We are not just a “female led marriage” but a "female led family." Our daughters are always having their friends over. Their friends are all aware that my husband is the one who does all the housework. They are there when he comes home from work and starts right in on dinner, or perhaps the laundry, while I am there reading or enjoying myself on our deck. Their friends are right there and hear me tell him to do a certain chore and he never argues.

Predictably, some readers were offended by these candid comments. It was as if the domestic arrangement Becky Sue described had little or nothing to do with the basic tenets of female led relationships or what this blog calls wife worship.

I beg to differ. I, too, am part of a Female Led Family. My children were aware early on that

Mom was the boss, the final decision-maker, the one with the money, the maker of family schedules, etc., etc. How could they not be? How could I hide this reality from them?

And why should I? I am not ashamed to honor and obey my wife, to benefit from her superior judgment, her practical commonsense and wisdom, her financial responsibility. I am proud to acknowledge her as my leader, as the head of our family and household.

Were not children raised to accept patriarchy as the natural state of affairs all these decades, all these centuries? Why, then, should the tenets, practices and underlying beliefs of matriarchy be concealed from children?

My daughter, in particular, recognized from an early age that “Mom is the head of the house.” She knew not to bother with Dad when she wanted permission to go somewhere or to request a cash infusion. (Especially when, around age 15, her allowance was larger than Dad’s.)

Does that mean my daughter disrespected me, or loved me the less? No. She simply recognized the practical power structure within the marriage. But she was not, and is not, averse to giving me advice, which I am not too proud to take.

Since Becky Sue’s guest posts, I have been in correspondence with several women who have implemented similar matriarchal rules in their family to positive effect. Husbands and sons are learning gentlemanly virtues, to not only respect, but to defer to the opposite sex. Teenage sisters are being actively encouraged to take on responsibility and leadership roles within the family, in preparation for later life.

One of my matriarchal correspondents, Amanda, has agreed to share a bit about her life—and more, I hope, in later posts. As she wrote me, “It does make sense to promote the message of strong women taking control of their families and careers. We owe it to women out there to show them that they can ‘have it all.’” She goes on:

I am a woman who believes that men and boys should always respect women and girls. My husband and I are both in our 30s. We have three children, a daughter 11 and twins (a girl and a boy) 9.

Obviously they are all too young to fully understand the female led dynamic that I have with my husband—although I suspect our eldest knows more than she admits. I recently overheard her telling her younger sister who wanted to join a sleepover at a friend's house, “Don't bother asking Dad, it's Mum who decides." How right she was—and is!

It is my wish to bring up all my children to be happy and successful. For the girls this means a good education and career and taking charge of their lives. I teach them to be self-reliant and not to play second fiddle to boys. Similarly for my son, I am teaching him that respecting girls and women is key to his happiness and success. For instance, he is often praised by my women friends when he holds doors open for them or when he stands when they enter the room. I have taught him the importance of these small courtesies.

I would add that I love all of my children equally.

As I wrote in an earlier post (She Decides, I Abide, 5.30.08):

I know my limitations, and the kids know them, too. If it was just the three of us, we’d be living in a chaotic house, without rules. But we all three know that Mother Knows Best, she makes the rules and will enforce them.

That creates order in the home, as well as harmony, domestic tranquility.

Yes, the kids sometimes challenge the rightness of her decisions, though in the end they know she will prevail. I have learned not to challenge, not only because I know she will win, but because I know she is right.

She decides, and I abide by her decisions.

My wife’s judgment and common sense leave mine far behind, and we both recognize it. She sits at the head of the family table. She is our spiritual leader, making sure we all go to church. The kids and I recognize her ascendancy. “Go ask your mother” is my frequent answer to a whole host of questions. The kids know that dad rarely has the last word.

A final word from an anonymous dominant woman: “I believe that the natural order is for

Females to be in control. Personally, I find it kind of funny that males think they're in charge in relationships or family situations, because in all of the families I've observed, when one of the children asks their father for something, they say ‘go ask your mother.’”