NANCY & DENNIS: WORKING AT A WOMAN-OWNED BUSINESS

I'm privileged to work at a Woman-run business and have for ten years. We are a small software company that is not only women-run, but feminist-run! We actively mentor women, both in our firm and at local colleges as part of a feminist outreach program. We have an affirmative action program that seeks to hire women, move them into positions of more responsibility, and eventually into management. Even though Nancy and I have decided that her career takes precedence over mine, I've managed to establish a good career for myself. I'm deeply satisfied with the work, the opportunity to work for a team of driven female executives, and the opportunity to mentor and promote the careers of talented women. The relationship Nancy and I have has been instrumental in my success working for and with women at the company. I suspect that men with traditional ideas of male-female relationships may be at a disadvantage at female-led entities.

We weren't always a woman-owned business. Our company was once part of a conglomerate, and, while we had women in a few key positions, we were a typical sexist male enclave of the type that is all too common in the business world. When our corporate parent decided to sell us in 2002, some women managers quickly banded together, secured loans, and – much to the chagrin of the all-male executive staff – bought the company.

Overnight things changed. The all-male executive team resigned or stayed with the conglomerate. The new executive team consisted of eight high-energy, assertive women. Soon afterward, Tom, a friend also in an FLR, and I were added to the executive team as managers. Our task would be to help the executives realize their vision for the company, especially their desire to bring women into the organization. We were chosen because of our well-established feminist credentials and because we had always worked well with the women. Some of the male employees ridiculed Tom and me as being members of the “Girl's Club,” but the “Girl’s Club” was a good place to be once the girls were in charge.

Our new CEO, Carol, had a dual vision. She wanted to grow a profitable business, but she also wanted actively to attract and promote female computer programmers. She realized that there were too few women in the lucrative software field, and she wanted to change that. She also wanted to improve the situation for our mostly female clerical and secretarial staff. We all realized that unless women were economically empowered, they were dependent on men; this was unacceptable to all of us. We put together an aggressive program not only to bring women into our company, but to empower them. Some of the many things we did include:

• Got our company certified as a woman-owned business. This has many advantages including the ability to obtain government contracts specifically set aside for women-owned businesses. It is also good for corporate relations since many companies want to do business with woman-owned firms.
• Increased the salaries of secretarial and clerical positions, largely occupied by women. We also put together promotional opportunities for women in these roles to move them out of these functions.
• Forged relationships with a local college to mentor and recruit women
• Put together and carried out an affirmative action plan with aggressive targets for recruiting and promoting woman
•  Conducted mandatory workshops for male employees on how to work for women. Even the most senior men remaining in the company were likely to be reporting to women in the new paradigm. Learning to be open, communicative, and, yes, deferential was a benefit to some of the more open-minded men both at work and at home.
• Accelerated the promotion of women into key technical positions. We ensured their success by assigning Tom and me to assist women in transitioning to their new managerial roles. Tom and I were responsible for the women's success.
• Provided women with management training as well as training in assertiveness. Centuries of patriarchy have conditioned women to “be nice,” something that men have capitalized on to usurp their authority. For the business to succeed, even the most petite woman has to have obedience from even the biggest man.
• Actively supported women's groups and causes. Men were encouraged to participate in these efforts; those men who developed feminist credentials have done well.
• Advocated for women-owned businesses and economically empowered women by guiding them into technical fields

Tom and I have done well. Many of the behaviors we developed at home under our strong wives have benefited us in a female-led company. Strong independent women love to have their authority recognized and appropriate deference shown. Unfortunately many men aren't so conditioned as Tom and I are. “Yes, Ma'am!” goes a long way, as does making and serving a good cup of coffee!

The results? The company has succeeded beyond anything our executive team – yes, it’s still in place – might have imagined:

• We have grown three-fold.
• Over 60% of our technical managers are female.
• Over half of our technical professionals are female.
• Communications, human resources, and finance are all female-managed. The latter two units are all-female staffed.

Our program to promote women out of traditionally female-staffed secretarial and clerical positions has resulted in 60% of them moving to other positions. What was surprising was that, with the increased salaries we provided for these positions, we have had a huge influx of male candidates for these positions. As a result, over half of these traditionally female-staffed positions, all subordinate to women, are now staffed by men.

How's that for role reversal?

NANCY & DENNIS: MY NEW IRON

Nancy and her mother typically make all of the major purchases at our home, and it's rare that I'm included in the decision making process; I really don't need to be. Saturday was an exception, and one that I enjoyed since I had the opportunity to demonstrate my commitment to Nancy, to purchase something that I needed, and, as a bonus, do a bit of evangelizing. I needed a new iron so Nancy and Sue took me to see what was available.

Assuming that the women were going to use the iron, the saleswoman directed her presentation of the iron's features to them. Sue interrupted her well-rehearsed pitch and told her that neither she nor Nancy did any ironing and that she should direct her comments to me--since "he does all the ironing." The saleswoman seemed taken aback but, somewhat uncomfortably, began to direct her pitch to me.

I was proud to demonstrate a real knowledge of irons. When we made a purchase, the saleslady said that she wished her husband, now retired and at home, would do some ironing. All of us said that he should and would if she insisted. I told her that I enjoyed doing housework and that doing it gave me a feeling of accomplishment.While she initially saw it as unusual that a man would be the decision maker about the purchase of an iron, she seemed to appreciate the many possibilities of men doing housework and was very accommodating, telling me that she'd appreciate knowing how the new iron worked out.

One of the FLR issues raised by this anecdote is that men and, unfortunately, women adopt the gender roles assigned by patriarchy. There is a patriarchy-inspired focus on women when domestic items are involved, but this is just not the case anymore. We all need to free ourselves from these gender stereotypes.Especially in female-led relationships, men may well be doing the ironing. and the sooner everyone recognizes this, the better.

The same applies in other areas.Waiters and even waitresses, for example, routinely assume that he, not SHE, is picking up the check. In more and more cases women outearn men and will be picking up the check for a dinner out. By doing so, women send a powerful statement concerning gender roles. In the same way, by letting me select the iron and directing the saleswoman to address her pitch exclusively to me, Nancy not only addressed a practical matter but made a strong statement concerning male-female relationships.

There is a bottom line here; couples in FLRs need to "come out" with their relative roles and responsibilities.

NANCY & DENNIS: SOME THOUGHTS ON HOUSEWORK, Pt. 2

I have been asked how I learned how to sew on buttons—and became skilled in other domestic arts. I thought I’d share the answer as a separate post for the possible benefit of many husbands.

My initial instruction in the domestic arts came from Mom and my aunt. Raised in an all-female household, I was required to cook, clean, wash, iron and sew a bit; everyone had to carry their weight, and we all took turns doing the various chores that needed done to keep a household running.

 

Later, the women of Nancy's family took my skills to new heights. Anytime I visited I was put to work on some domestic chore. I was told what to do, how to do it, and my performance was critiqued afterward. A great way to learn!

I not only learned how to do various chores but found that I enjoyed doing them; this is especially true of ironing, but that's another story.

For those husbands or single men who are still untutored in domestic chores, let me point out that there are any number of places where one can learn sewing, knitting, crocheting, etc. Many fabric shops offer lessons on either a group- or private-lesson basis.  Many community colleges have non-credit classes in “bachelor living,” which is a home economics class for men and well worth taking. Otherwise guys can look to their wives, girlfriends or mother-in-law for instruction. These women will be only too happy to provide lessons as they realize that a man’s having domestic skills ultimately benefits women.

A final comment for now: Doing household tasks crosses traditional gender lines and is a power way of reinforcing the relative roles of Women and man in a female-led relationship.  Performing traditionally female leisure crafts such as knitting, needlepoint, floral displays, calligraphy, etc., are stronger statements still.  What Nancy and I find interesting is that most men are reluctant to undertake such traditionally female leisure crafts early in an FLR, but, after some time in a relationship, are much more receptive as they have immersed themselves in their domestic roles.

NANCY & DENNIS: OF SERVICE TO THE QUEEN

Devoted Hubby, I enjoyed your comment on the post, "SOME THOUGHTS ON HOUSEWORK":

“I find it has increased her confidence at home, knowing that I want to take up the slack so that she can focus on more important things (she is a terrific organizer). She is also a very messy person, and where that used to drive me crazy, I love tidying up after her. I don't know if she consciously continues to leave her work clothes lying around for me to put away, but I like it!”

I agree! There are many rewards for men in a female-led relationship. Most certainly relieving her of housework is important as it allows her to focus on her job, education, or leisure activities.

I enjoyed your mention of "tidying up after her" and your suspecting that she intentionally is leaving things around for you to take care of.  I, too, suspect that, yes, she is intentionally leaving things around, and I love to hear about a woman doing such things because, when she does, she is affording her man the opportunity — no, the privilege – to be of service. She has likely noticed the satisfaction you derive from picking up and is responding accordingly.

Picking up is something I do, too, and it was the result of my wanting to do more for her; I just started doing it and now it is expected. When Nancy gets home, she kicks off her shoes and changes clothes, sometimes leaving her things in one place, but often dropping things here and there as she knows I'll pick her things up wherever they land. I serve as her valet by picking up her things and taking care of them. Her shoes are always cleaned and her clothes are inspected to see if buttons are loose, whether they need pressing or dry-cleaning, and so on. If they do, these items are taken care of before they are put away in her closet. The same inspection takes place with whatever she plans on wearing the next day; my wife has to go out into the business world looking like the demanding executive that she is. For her it's dressing for success; for me it's a rewarding part of my day making sure she is well  and properly taken care of.

NANCY & DENNIS: KEEPING A JOURNAL

I keep a journal, actually two of them, and we feel it's a good idea for other men in an FLR to do the same.

The first journal is a day-to-day log of my household activities as well as comments, things-to-do, things-to-get, and so on. I can also put in comments and suggestions.

The journal is not private. Nancy and her mother, Sue, can browse it, make entries and so on. It's through the journal that I make suggestions that the women can either act on or ignore. Sue often takes my suggestions to Nancy for consideration. The journal is also a way of keeping track of my routine of housework, what I've done and what I've yet to do, our social schedule, and Nancy's business travel. What the women see in my journal often determines whether I participate in social outings or whether I have to stay home to complete chores.

This first journal also contains the dreaded “demerits” section. Violating rules, not meeting standards, missing deadlines, etc., are logged into the journal and an appropriate number of demerits assigned. When demerits accumulate to a level that is deemed significant, there is a reckoning and appropriate repercussions, the nature of which can vary widely. Nancy or her mother usually assign demerits, but I can recognize my mistakes and log them into the journal as an admission of guilt. Self-admitted transgressions accrue half the number of demerits, a progressive concept indeed.

The second journal is a “book of knowledge.” This book is constantly being changed to reflect our household situation. It lays out a typical week and month of housework as well as standards for each household task. The theory is, of course, that if I'm to do something, I want to do it properly; the journal tells me when and how. There is a right way to clean the living room, a right way to load the dishwasher, an appropriate way to scrub floors—and even the right way to light a cigarette. There is a chivalry section, long committed to memory, that needs no explanation. All of it has been learned over time thanks largely to the tutelage of Nancy, her mother, and her aunts.

The second journal also contains other important information. I have entries for more than twenty women who are either relatives or close friends, all of whom are aware of our FLR lifestyle. In these pages I note a number of things such as her:

• Name and address for mailing cards, notes, and packages
• Preferred form of address when being spoken to
• Birthday (but not birth year!)
• Occupation and position
• Anniversary, if she celebrates this day, or, if appropriate, her divorce date
• Favorite coffee, tea, and soda
• Preferred mixed drink(s)
• Wine preferences
• Favorite perfume and dusting powder
• Favorite chocolate
• Favorite colors
• Brand of cigarettes
• Favorite dessert(s)
• Favorite flowers
• Favorite genre of books (e.g., romance novels, etc.)
• Hobbies and personal interests
• Husband’s/boyfriend’s name
• Any comments, situations, opinions, events, challenges, etc., that she mentioned at previous meetings

This part of the journal is used in affording proper treatment to a woman visitor and also in my periodically sending her cards and things throughout the year, something I'll discuss later. I always greet women visitors to our home, serve them a drink, offer a cigarette (where appropriate), and engage them in light conversation. Women love it when men listen to and remember what they have to say. I think that listening and responding accordingly is a duty of a subordinate gentlemen. Being attentive, honoring her preferences, and being able to address her in meaningful conversation are important ways of worshiping women.

Women are worthy of our worship!