Thursday, October 16, 2008
Growing Into the Role
A friend told me about this girl he knew years ago in high school. A real “glamour-puss” (his word, not mine) who landed the lead in a school play about Queen Elizabeth I (by Maxwell Anderson, I think), and who got so caught up in the regal role, issuing orders to bowing and scraping boy-courtiers, that she started acting like an absolute monarch around campus. My friend remembers almost bumping into her one day, whereupon she thrust out an imperious hand and ordered him: “On your knees, vassal, and kiss my hand!”
My friend was having none of it. But while nodding at whatever point he was making, I was thinking, why couldn’t it have been me she ordered to grovel? I wouldn’t have hesitated—not back then, not ever. To the best of my recollection, my female-worshipping syndrome kicked in around the age of 3.
Okay, so why did I bring this up? Not to illustrate the foibles of method acting, overidentifying with a part, but to illustrate that our wives (or girlfriends) can gradually grow into the role of our sexy sovereigns, exercising more and more authority over us while accepting our passionate worship.
But here’s the deal. We may have to give them time, and encouragement, to help them get comfortable in the new role, to realize how regal and magnificent they are to us (their knights and courtiers).
Female empowerment psychologist Elise Sutton explained it this way to one devoted husband: “Your wife is still new to this lifestyle and you need to allow her to experiment with her female power so she can become comfortable [with it]. Your position is to encourage her and to support her. Let her know that you enjoy her power.”
Fumika Misato is even more emphatic: “Let your wife get comfortable with her new role, and you will be set for life.”
In fact, female-led relationship message boards are cram-full of postings by husbands sharing tips and comparing notes on how to encourage and empower their wonderful wives, like these:
“My wife feels a little guilty about being spoiled but stills lets me do it. She sometimes points out things that could be done but doesn't correct me much or complain. Yesterday she came home from shopping with some cleaning items that ‘you might want to use’ and some menu suggestions.”
“Last weekend my wife sent me out shopping for household things, telling me what to get. It was very much like the boss telling you what to do. It was fun. Later I think she felt a little guilty about it.”
“My wife is happy to be in control of my orgasms. It may take some time before she will feel comfortable to admit it, but I think she will make this arrangement more explicit in the future.”
Another husband says his wife is taking “this female-led thing” at her own pace, working to “de-program'herself from many years of conditioning as a traditional, non-assertive wife.”
“The key,” Elise Sutton instructs another husband, “is for you to be supportive and allow [your wife] the room to grow. Encourage her to be in charge and compliment her often… If she makes a mistake, be quick to forgive and be there to serve. Patience on your part is a must.”
How does a husband actively encourage his wife to blossom from commoner into queen? How about just start treating her like royalty? Here, from Chapter 2 (“Making Her Your Fantasy”) of my book, is the testimony of a wife on the receiving end of such nonstop adoration: “I'm in my fifties and gravity is winning more and more every day. But in the eyes and mind of my husband, I am beautiful—I am his queen—and he shows it to me every minute of every day.”
To paraphrase my favorite epigraph (“If you want our wife to be a goddess, worship her”): “If you want your wife to be a queen, obey her.” Remember, as Lady Misato said, once she is convinced of your sincerity and your passion, you’ll be set for life.
But what does that mean? What’s it like living with an emerging goddess?
“Very interesting” is this husband’s initial reaction: “It’s been very interesting to see how my wife is slowly changing the more comfortable she gets in the superior role within our relationship, the more she gets comfortable with the idea that she has all this power and sees what effect she has on me.”
For this husband, the elevation of his spouse into queenly status means that he is privileged to kneel in her presence, a long-cherished desire of his, as it happened: “I did not beg to kneel before my wife and worship her, but just expressed my feelings about it several times. All I wanted was to be heard, and felt that I should not push her. The sincerity did the trick. She no longer saw it as slavish behavior but as a deep-seated desire of her husband.”
The abiding gratitude this guy felt when his worshipful wish was granted is echoed by many husbands in wife-led unions: “Have you ever thought of what a wonderful gift our wives give us by accepting our worship? I pleasured her this a.m. and without a word she just fell asleep when she was done. It makes me feel great to see her relax that much and to know that I've contributed to it by not making demands on her for my pleasure.”
The more completely their wives identify with their queenly role, it seems, the happier their husbands: “My Wife/Goddess has gotten very, very comfortable with this lifestyle. After one bad argument, my Queen put her foot down and laid down the law! Today our marriage/life is lived the way SHE wants it to be. Even if I ever had 2nd thoughts and asked to go back to normal, this is something she would not accept. She is too comfy in her view on life as a Goddess and living a female led relationship.”
“I have never felt so much love and adoration for my wife. I surrendered our home life to her and it has only gotten better. I don't know when it happened exactly but during the course of releasing control to my wife, I realized that I could trust her with anything. That is a very powerful and wonderful revelation to experience but it is also fundamental, I believe, to a successful female-led marriage.”
“My wife is increasingly comfortable with her authority over me,” boasts another husband. He goes on to explain how, as he served her the dinner he had just prepared, she proceeded to outline his schedule for the next week and weekend: "’Yes Ma'am,’ was all I said, but her tone of voice and her certainty went directly to my heart—and groin. It was slightly embarrassing.”
And what of the newly crowned queens? What say they?
Here’s a spirited sampling:
“I have entered a whole new world of power. It took a few months for me to get on top of things, but I have him so worked up and attentive, keeping the house in order just the way I like it. I truly feel and know I am a Goddess now!”
“I love men who really care about, worship, adore, and submit to the will of Women, not caring about their own petty interests and hoping with devout sincerity to please the Lady of their affections. And I am so lucky that my husband is just such a man!”
“I can't imagine any woman not loving to be worshipped by the man she loves, especially seeing him having the guts to do it openly and publicly.”
“I just love the power rush!”
“I was always sorta shy, but now I'm confident, assertive and very comfortable with myself. My husband has given me all this and much more. I am in charge of lovemaking - I decide when we do it, how we do it, whether he can penetrate me and whether he can bring himself to a climax. This might sound very controlling, but in fact my husband says it has given him an aroused state of being for hours or even days. And I am certainly enjoying it!”
“The control I have over my man just floors me.“
“I’m 23, so maybe it’s a generational thing, but I can’t imagine any woman not loving this. In fact, the group of women that I hang out with are all determined that we will be in control in our relationships. I think the ideal of equality that women talked about in the sixties and seventies ridiculous. Why should women settle for equality? Why should they settle for anything less than being totally in control?”
“Remember that your husband craves your authority,” one wife counsels another, newer to the lifestyle. “Even if you think it sounds like a bit much to say it, tell him that he must obey you. Tell him you are in charge. He wants – he needs – to hear it.”
“Embrace your authority,” advises Emily Addison on the Around Her Finger blogsite. “Throttle this [female-led] dynamic to your comfort level.”
End result—"Happy-Ever-Aftering," as I titled the final chapter of my book. But with, perhaps, a cautionary whisper to husbands embarking on this journey from one who’s been there and done that: “The biggest danger is opening the Pandora's Box of possibility. A wife acculturated by a lifetime of deference and submission to men may discover an authoritarian role she didn't know she could have, and she might like it. And she may not want to go back to the way things were, even if you suddenly change your mind.”
Be prepared, in other words, once you have assisted your wife onto the household throne, to play your supporting role in a long-running play. Not “Queen for a Day” but “Queen for Life.”