Thursday, October 16, 2008

Growing Into the Role

A friend told me about this girl he knew years ago in high school. A real “glamour-puss” (his word, not mine) who landed the lead in a school play about Queen Elizabeth I (by Maxwell Anderson, I think), and who got so caught up in the regal role, issuing orders to bowing and scraping boy-courtiers, that she started acting like an absolute monarch around campus. My friend remembers almost bumping into her one day, whereupon she thrust out an imperious hand and ordered him: “On your knees, vassal, and kiss my hand!”

My friend was having none of it. But while nodding at whatever point he was making, I was thinking, why couldn’t it have been me she ordered to grovel? I wouldn’t have hesitated—not back then, not ever. To the best of my recollection, my female-worshipping syndrome kicked in around the age of 3.

Okay, so why did I bring this up? Not to illustrate the foibles of method acting, overidentifying with a part, but to illustrate that our wives (or girlfriends) can gradually grow into the role of our sexy sovereigns, exercising more and more authority over us while accepting our passionate worship.

But here’s the deal. We may have to give them time, and encouragement, to help them get comfortable in the new role, to realize how regal and magnificent they are to us (their knights and courtiers).

Female empowerment psychologist Elise Sutton explained it this way to one devoted husband: “Your wife is still new to this lifestyle and you need to allow her to experiment with her female power so she can become comfortable [with it]. Your position is to encourage her and to support her. Let her know that you enjoy her power.”

Fumika Misato is even more emphatic: “Let your wife get comfortable with her new role, and you will be set for life.”

In fact, female-led relationship message boards are cram-full of postings by husbands sharing tips and comparing notes on how to encourage and empower their wonderful wives, like these:

“My wife feels a little guilty about being spoiled but stills lets me do it. She sometimes points out things that could be done but doesn't correct me much or complain. Yesterday she came home from shopping with some cleaning items that ‘you might want to use’ and some menu suggestions.”

“Last weekend my wife sent me out shopping for household things, telling me what to get. It was very much like the boss telling you what to do. It was fun. Later I think she felt a little guilty about it.”

“My wife is happy to be in control of my orgasms. It may take some time before she will feel comfortable to admit it, but I think she will make this arrangement more explicit in the future.”

Another husband says his wife is taking “this female-led thing” at her own pace, working to “de-program'herself from many years of conditioning as a traditional, non-assertive wife.”

“The key,” Elise Sutton instructs another husband, “is for you to be supportive and allow [your wife] the room to grow. Encourage her to be in charge and compliment her often… If she makes a mistake, be quick to forgive and be there to serve. Patience on your part is a must.”

How does a husband actively encourage his wife to blossom from commoner into queen? How about just start treating her like royalty? Here, from Chapter 2 (“Making Her Your Fantasy”) of my book, is the testimony of a wife on the receiving end of such nonstop adoration: “I'm in my fifties and gravity is winning more and more every day. But in the eyes and mind of my husband, I am beautiful—I am his queen—and he shows it to me every minute of every day.”

To paraphrase my favorite epigraph (“If you want our wife to be a goddess, worship her”): “If you want your wife to be a queen, obey her.” Remember, as Lady Misato said, once she is convinced of your sincerity and your passion, you’ll be set for life.

But what does that mean? What’s it like living with an emerging goddess?

“Very interesting” is this husband’s initial reaction: “It’s been very interesting to see how my wife is slowly changing the more comfortable she gets in the superior role within our relationship, the more she gets comfortable with the idea that she has all this power and sees what effect she has on me.”

For this husband, the elevation of his spouse into queenly status means that he is privileged to kneel in her presence, a long-cherished desire of his, as it happened: “I did not beg to kneel before my wife and worship her, but just expressed my feelings about it several times. All I wanted was to be heard, and felt that I should not push her. The sincerity did the trick. She no longer saw it as slavish behavior but as a deep-seated desire of her husband.”

The abiding gratitude this guy felt when his worshipful wish was granted is echoed by many husbands in wife-led unions: “Have you ever thought of what a wonderful gift our wives give us by accepting our worship? I pleasured her this a.m. and without a word she just fell asleep when she was done. It makes me feel great to see her relax that much and to know that I've contributed to it by not making demands on her for my pleasure.”

The more completely their wives identify with their queenly role, it seems, the happier their husbands: “My Wife/Goddess has gotten very, very comfortable with this lifestyle. After one bad argument, my Queen put her foot down and laid down the law! Today our marriage/life is lived the way SHE wants it to be. Even if I ever had 2nd thoughts and asked to go back to normal, this is something she would not accept. She is too comfy in her view on life as a Goddess and living a female led relationship.”

“I have never felt so much love and adoration for my wife. I surrendered our home life to her and it has only gotten better. I don't know when it happened exactly but during the course of releasing control to my wife, I realized that I could trust her with anything. That is a very powerful and wonderful revelation to experience but it is also fundamental, I believe, to a successful female-led marriage.”

“My wife is increasingly comfortable with her authority over me,” boasts another husband. He goes on to explain how, as he served her the dinner he had just prepared, she proceeded to outline his schedule for the next week and weekend: "’Yes Ma'am,’ was all I said, but her tone of voice and her certainty went directly to my heart—and groin. It was slightly embarrassing.”

And what of the newly crowned queens? What say they?

Here’s a spirited sampling:

“I have entered a whole new world of power. It took a few months for me to get on top of things, but I have him so worked up and attentive, keeping the house in order just the way I like it. I truly feel and know I am a Goddess now!”

“I love men who really care about, worship, adore, and submit to the will of Women, not caring about their own petty interests and hoping with devout sincerity to please the Lady of their affections. And I am so lucky that my husband is just such a man!”

“I can't imagine any woman not loving to be worshipped by the man she loves, especially seeing him having the guts to do it openly and publicly.”

“I just love the power rush!”

“I was always sorta shy, but now I'm confident, assertive and very comfortable with myself. My husband has given me all this and much more. I am in charge of lovemaking - I decide when we do it, how we do it, whether he can penetrate me and whether he can bring himself to a climax. This might sound very controlling, but in fact my husband says it has given him an aroused state of being for hours or even days. And I am certainly enjoying it!”

“The control I have over my man just floors me.“

“I’m 23, so maybe it’s a generational thing, but I can’t imagine any woman not loving this. In fact, the group of women that I hang out with are all determined that we will be in control in our relationships. I think the ideal of equality that women talked about in the sixties and seventies ridiculous. Why should women settle for equality? Why should they settle for anything less than being totally in control?”

“Remember that your husband craves your authority,” one wife counsels another, newer to the lifestyle. “Even if you think it sounds like a bit much to say it, tell him that he must obey you. Tell him you are in charge. He wants – he needs – to hear it.”

“Embrace your authority,” advises Emily Addison on the Around Her Finger blogsite. “Throttle this [female-led] dynamic to your comfort level.”

End result—"Happy-Ever-Aftering," as I titled the final chapter of my book. But with, perhaps, a cautionary whisper to husbands embarking on this journey from one who’s been there and done that: “The biggest danger is opening the Pandora's Box of possibility. A wife acculturated by a lifetime of deference and submission to men may discover an authoritarian role she didn't know she could have, and she might like it. And she may not want to go back to the way things were, even if you suddenly change your mind.”

Be prepared, in other words, once you have assisted your wife onto the household throne, to play your supporting role in a long-running play. Not “Queen for a Day” but “Queen for Life.”


Anonymous said...

I found this entry particularly interesting and informative because I too am going through the same phase in my own developing WLM. It has taken me a very long time to reach the same conclusion and realise just how important it is just to let your wife grow into her dominant role and discover for herself how best she can demonstrate and use the feminine power that she has over me. Not only is this better for her, but as a result it feels that much better when things come from her, rather than encouraged by me.

Jason said...

This is something my Wife has had the hardest time with. Sometimes, as a simple knee-jerk reaction I may talk back or disagree, and she seems to fold immediately. She Knows she's in charge on a mental level, but emotionally she never stands up to me, or puts me in my place.

A point I'd like to make: I never try to bait her, or argue with her in order to coerce her to stand up to me. She always insists I don't "have" to do anything. One thing I never do is obey begrudgingly. I do whatever she wants, and I'm always happy to do it. It's like she refuses to truly accept her mantle of authority, even though we both know it's there, and we both know she wouldn't want it any other way.

Mark Remond said...

As that TV commercial says, "I'm so there" with both you guys. Encouraging (and not undermining) my wife's preeminence in our marriage has been, and continues to be, a long march. It was wonderfully described, I think, by "fdhousehusband," who used to post regularly on "Her househusband's life," and who, I hope, will soon resume his postings. Here is is:

"As for my relationship with my Wife, it developed gradually and in baby steps. i found that i was actually hindering the growth of Her dominant side. When She would say that a light bulb was out or that there was laundry in the washer that needed to be hung up, i sometimes was too lazy to comply right away. i found that each of these actions undermined Her dominance and She would revert back to O/our old relationship. i also learned that Females speak in a different language. When They want something done, They don't come out and say it. In the early days, my Wife would say something like, 'My carpooler went home early so I'll be taking the bus home today.' i just accepted that like She was giving me a bit of information. What She really was saying was 'I need you to pick me up from work.' Once i understood the Female language, i learned to respond by saying things like 'May i pick You up from work today?' i found that She really responded to these 'offers' to do things for Her which She in fact had prompted with subtle 'requests.' i also think that it showed Her that i was really listening to everything She was saying.
"i guess the key thing i learned in all those years was not to think about 'changing my Wife' but rather about changing myself to accommodate Her needs, wants and desires. i started to focus on all the little positive acts of dominance in our daily lives and be grateful for those rather than dwelling on how She didn't meet my preconceived notions of a Dominant Womyn. i now think about Her constantly and all my housework and other chores keep me aroused as i know that i am doing them to please Her. i knew that i had to show my submission to my Wife, i just had to learn how She wanted to accept that submission."

Jason said...

Mark, thanks for the article and the input from "fdhousehusband."

"When She would say that a light bulb was out or that there was laundry in the washer that needed to be hung up, i sometimes was too lazy to comply right away. i found that each of these actions undermined Her dominance and She would revert back to O/our old relationship."

He's right, this happens with us, a LOT.

Anonymous said...

Mark - thanks for your words of support, and another insightful piece of writing, this time supplied by fdhousehusband. He is so right in that in order to encourage your wife's increasing control and dominance you do have to look for the more subtle messages at first, but most importantly you have to let your wife see the effect that she is having on you. There is no point in offereing to submit to your wife, unless you are prepared to submit fully and let her see by your actions and response that she can control you in the way that she will eventually enjoy herself.

Jason - I think that you have answered your own question. How can your wife take your wish to submit to her seriously and grow more confident and dominant, if you aren't demonstrating your willingness to obey her when she does express a wish for you to do something.

Just a thought.

Mark Remond said...

at all times... it's tricky for me, letting my wife see the effect she's having on me. She's made it clear in the past that she doesn't want me jumping up and instantly reacting to some suggestion, like changing that light bulb NOW! She once called that sycophantic! Yikes! What I have to do is comply, but in a kind of easygoing way, like a moving van guy... Hey, lady, where do you want me to put this dressser? But the trick seems to be not to forget, not to let anything. When I start to write down all the things around the house she's mentioned that I've let slide, it's a long list. What I've got to start doing, and you guys are inspiring me, is to clean up that backlog list and start taking care of things quickly enough that she can see the power of her words... that a mention from her causes things to happen... her husband to obey... without me reacting like a jerked puppet.

Jason said...

This has all been very helpful to me, I appreciate both of your input,

This rings so true
"... without me reacting like a jerked puppet."

At all times, I do the vast majority of what she asks, and always when I remember.

OFTEN when she asks me to do something, I'll head right off to do it. She actually stops me and says "I didn't mean for you to do right now!" and this confuses me. She wants it done, I go to do it, she tells me not to do it. Later on I get involved in other things, and forget. She then reminds me when I can't go do it: We're on our way out the door to go someplace, and she says "By the way, you still haven't changed that light bulb." It's almost a treat to be allowed to go do something right then & there.

Maybe like you said Mark, I need to start keeping a list too.

jboy said...

Great post! Building a vibrant WLM takes time and can be painfully slow. I have found that asking your Wife’s advice, opinions and direction in many areas is very helpful in building her confidence and lets her see herself in a leadership role. I always ask my Wife’s advice (especially since she is so often right) and follow her carefully. Since things usually come out well, I truthfully praise her as the wise one in our family. This reinforcement certainly boosts her ego.

On the other hand, I always let my Wife know how wrong I often am, that I am glad that I followed her direction, and that I would be lost without her wisdom to guide me. Over time my Wife’s opinions and judgment greatly improved and surpassed my own. It takes time and patience but the investment in building your Wife’s judgment and decision making skills have paid big dividends.

Mark Remond said...

jboy, well said. How much farther along my own FLR would be had I consistently done as you have done and explained so well!

Anonymous said...

My personal situation is this, I don't dare let my submissive needs be known to my wife not only because I am afraid she might reject them, which I am, but also because I am afraid she might embrace them.

I am afraid that I may not be ready for such a dramatic change in my lifestyle. Some days I totally want to do it, but I'm a lazy man and my wife is very active. When she pursues a goal, she is relentless, so I fear that her rule, much as I desire it, may be more than I can handle.

Both scenarios are scary to me, so I live in constant frustration. Before I did not know it, but now that I have finally identified that my needs are submissive, I don't know how to proceed.

Every time that I have encouraged her to tell me how to do something, or how to please her, she says that she wants me to be creative. When I ask her where she wants to go for dinner, she says "surprise me". My feeling is that even though she is a leader in many of her interactions, with me she wants to be led. Sometimes I wonder how much of it is conditioned and how much of it is just her personal preference.

Anonymous said...

I recently began the submission process and have enjoyed watching my wife develop into the dominant partner. Having fought the urge to let her dominate me for the first ten years of our marriage it is exhilarating to submit to her. I get aroused as she takes more control...our sex life has never been better. We have experienced a complete role reversal. My wife seems passive but within her lies a tough dominating woman and it is a total blast to watch her take me over.

Mark Remond said...

Anonymous, this is a very exciting and inspiring comment you've posted. I would love it if you were willing to give us additional details--her efforts to dominate you during that first decade, and how the dramatic turnabout finally came about, and perhaps a peek into some of your current role-reversal behaviors. Congratulations, you are entering heaven on earth... and I'd sure like to read more.

And because this comment is to an older post, which most readers are not likely to see, perhaps you would consider my quoting you in a newer post?

Anyway, those are my thoughts stirred up by your post.

Anonymous said...

Probably her personal preference. A decent amount of women like to control the relationship, but as a general rule, women like to be romanced as well. They like their man to occasionally treat them to a nice dinner without having to give specifics. No different than it was when you were dating, really.