NANCY & DENNIS: TOWARD A LIFELONG FEMALE LED MARRIAGE: KEEPING CONTROL

Women in female led marriages often feel that once they have an obedient hubby who does the housework, it’s game over. Well, ladies, it’s not! You have rules that he follows at home, and certainly these rules should apply everywhere, whether you or another female authority figure is around or not.

But what does he really do when he’s not at home? When he’s at work? When he’s on a business trip? Do you know? Well, you should, because you don’t want all your good work in training him to be undone by outside influences. Men, even the best of them, even those most committed to female leadership, can and will stray. Patriarchy is a strong force, and there are many men and – unfortunately – even a few women, who want to undo female leadership.

So what can we do? Well, your man has to understand that any rules you make at home apply everywhere! For example, in Dennis’ case, he knows that:

• his 9 p.m. curfew applies when he’s away just like it does at home
• he has the same spending limits and has to ask permission to exceed them
• he is expected to be courteous and deferential to women
• he’s allowed to be out for no more than two hours and then only with permission
• he has to call in regularly

Your man knows the rules, but does he follow them? You have to put in a few checks to be sure. Yes, it’s additional work, but his behavior will be well worth the effort!

Rules and Consequences – Rules that we have apply wherever he goes, but I may have other requirements for special situations. The consequences for violating a rule away from home are harsh.

Travel Plans – Dennis is required to provide a detailed itinerary for his business travel, including hotel and business phone numbers. I want to be able to reach him.

Cell Phone – He has a cell phone, and it’s a rule that when mother or I call, he has to excuse himself from the meeting and take our call; we are his priority, and his boss, Carol, understands this.

Curfew – I impose a 9 p.m. curfew on Dennis. Other women set different times, but no curfew for a husband should be later than 9:30. His being out longer invites overspending and over-indulging. Dennis has to be in by 9 unless there are special circumstances like a business dinner. He’s allowed out for this, but has to call as soon as he’s back in his room. Kathy suggested that women call their man in his hotel room, not on his cell phone, to make sure he’s where he’s supposed to be. I’d add that women may want to call hubby again, a little later, to make sure he hasn’t gone out again. Yes, it has happened.

At His Desk – Dennis is required to be at his desk over lunch whether away or at home.

Mother or I often call to make sure that he is. When he travels, I’ll often call his office and request to speak with him; call a cell phone and he can answer anywhere; call the office and you know where he is!

Expenses – I review Dennis’ expense account and corporate credit card. Any monies owed Dennis from his expense report – mileage reimbursement for travel to and from the airport, for example – are to be deposited into our account, from which I can transfer them. He also has to submit a list of any personal expenses with receipts. A man with money is likely to spend it frivolously; he won’t if he knows you’ll be checking!

Keeping Informed – A woman needs to keep informed about her man’s activities. Men are subject to a great deal of peer pressure and bad influence that even the best of men need help resisting. If he knows you’re watching, he’s more likely to behave correctly. Here are some suggestions from a recent meeting we had with women in female-led relationships:

Networking – Know what he’s doing when he’s away from home, whether locally or on a business trip, by establishing a network of contacts. One woman made friends with a few women in her man’s office, women who can observe what’s going on and let her know. She often knows what’s happening before her husband does, and if he deviates in his behavior, her network will let her know.

She says that setting up such a network is easy, and that all women should have one. By attending company functions she met people and formed a fairly extensive network that she can count on to keep her informed about what’s happening and to ensure her husband is complying with her rules. She’s helped by her network and in turn helps the women in her network. Her network includes secretaries, the wives of her husband’s co-workers, and, yes, even other men. Dennis is only too happy to help women keep control and put men in their place. There are a lot of men who hate patriarchy and want to see women prevail.

Debriefing – A number of women require their husbands to brief them on what occurred at work each day. She wants to know what he and others did and, yes, a little of the office gossip! The information she gets is shared with other women in her network. Like Dennis, this woman’s husband reports what he sees and is only too happy to report errant male behavior. I reward Dennis for his participation by letting him call a woman to provide her with information she may be interested in – as well as a bit of office gossip!

Learning who to ask – Use your network to get to know your man’s boss. Once you do, you can make requests of them – for example, to reduce your man’s travel. I’m friends with Dennis’s boss, Carol. Carol understands the dynamics of a female-led relationship as she is in one, too. She never asks Dennis to go on an out-of-town trip without my permission and often calls me directly to ask. Carol and I support each other by loaning out our husbands when either of them is out of town. I can count on Dave making a cleaning visit when Dennis is out of town, and Carol can count on the same from my man. It works!

Some other suggestions to keep control of things:

Have your husband to pack his lunch and eat at his desk. Call him at his desk phone over lunch to make sure he’s there. This saves money and eliminates opportunities for your  man to misbehave.

Take his bank card and limit his pocket money. He can’t be pushed into buying lunch or a round of beers after work if he doesn’t have money or a credit card. It’s a great way to dissolve any ties he has to the patriarchy, too!

Get a full itinerary from your man when he’s traveling. Know where he’s at and what he’s doing. Check in with him frequently. If he knows he’s being watched – even from afar – he’ll behave.

Have your man carry a cell phone so you can contact him when he’s out. Make it a rule that he always picks up calls from you or other female authority figures.

Another woman insists her husband provide her with a daily itinerary that she changes as she sees fit. She insists he call her to seek approval if there is any deviation from his plan.

Have him ask for permission whenever he leaves the house, no matter the reason. Limit his time away to no more than two hours. Anymore than this and he could be spending too much money and wasting time.

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