Thursday, July 31, 2014


“Controlling the family finances is one thing that ALL women should be doing. Managing the finances is more than just paying bills. It’s about determining what is spent, where and on what. It’s about treating yourself to things you’re entitled to as the female head of household. It’s about closing the wage gap on a very personal level! It’s about control! Remember, ladies, money is power! Seize that power!”

With these words my Wife, Nancy, started Her post on controlling the money in an FLR. We regularly revisit this important topic during small workshops with Women and couples who are in, or embarking on, the lifestyle.

Women controlling money is an essential element of an FLR. Women have the right and responsibility to take control of finances, and doing so will give them tremendous power. Of the four tenets of an FLR, financial control is usually the first one that a couple embarks on. In doing so, She assumes the power to enforce Her rules and the resources to pursue Her desires going forward.

Taking over the money is a major milestone in how She relates to Her man and how He responds to Her. We always share few stories:

§  One Woman commented that the day She assumed complete control of the money was the day She stopped asking and started telling. The day She went from “please” to “do it, damn it!” From a frustrated “happy Housewife” to a “regal Bitch.”
§  Another Woman noted the power that comes from hubby having to ask Her for money and Her being able to refuse his request.
§  Other Women relate how financial control quickly had Her husband going from “i’ll get to it” to “Yes, Ma’am!”

After a few stories like this, Nancy rings for me and i come out, full apron, and serve coffee or tea, usually to comments like, “Oh, Nancy, you’ve got him trained!” Or, “I love a man in an apron!” It’s at this point that i relate my experience with Nancy controlling the money and how very little else could make me more appreciate Her authority. i assure the Women that i appreciate the arrangement and that it is very satisfying to me as a progressive gentlemen. By this time – if they haven’t already – the Ladies have made up their minds that they want control of the money.
What does Her taking control do for the men? While we are not particularly concerned here with their feelings, the male reaction is initially quite the opposite of that of the Women. men often feel impotent to the point where many don’t have sex for weeks afterward. Having limited access to money makes them feel Her authority in a very real way. Many men quickly refocus themselves, paying close attention to their Wife’s wishes and wanting to do more in hopes that She will be benevolent towards them. And previously free spending men quickly get very thrifty!

What do we tell workshop participants about the Woman’s controlling money? Plenty! Let’s compile a list of what Women should do in taking and maintaining control…

(To be continued in next post)


Anonymous said...

Dennis: To me, this is very powerful little post. I want to give you (and Nancy of course) all the credit in the world. There is no lack of evidence that men have misused their position as financial heads of the household. Equality is not much better because men try to hold onto as much power as they can, while women have trouble overcoming the old inhibitions on asserting their power (that's my experience anyway). The result is squabbling and unhappiness.

Having the woman control the money and making the man dependent on her--as you say--is really the best solution. As many people on this website have noted, men thrive under discipline and hierarchical authority while women don't. But men's old patriarchal ego, where it exists, gets in the way of making the shift. I'd love to hear from you how men respond--not right way but over time--when, for example, their wives refuse to give permission for a money request. How do men adapt, not just in terms of their everyday habits but psychologically, including intimacy. Can they make the adjustment? My guess is that some (all?) were secretly wishing for their wives to exercise leadership and that it is turn on as well as a relief (most men are not equipped to be head of the household) for their wives to bring some needed structure into their lives.

I'll be fascinated to hear what you have to say about this--as well as how the women adapt.


Mr. Concerned said...

Two words: Insecure women. That's what this is all about. If you need to control your partner you are insecure.

If you don't make the money you have NO RIGHT to it! These women should develop some skills and make their own money. I'm sorry if that's a "patriarchal ego" position. In my day it was called taking responsibility for your life.

But that's the entitlement mentality that feminism has installed in the modern pampered princess.

@LS: You make some of the wildest unsupported claims I've ever heard. Men thrive under hierarchical authority but women don't? Any evidence of that? Other than anecdotes from submissive males and females hungry for control?

Mr. Concerned said...

As an amendment to my last comment, which I forgot because I was so passionate to respond:

Closing the pay gap in a personal way? Here's an idea for Nancy - build your skills and do the work worthy of higher pay. Radical idea, but it works.

No doubt, making someone financially dependent on you will make them try to win your favor. I'm confused as to why you people think this is a noble thing to do. Other than that it's the woman doing it. You seem to have no problem with spousal abuse as long as it's the woman abusing the man. And don't give me "atonement for patriarchy." That's nonsense.

Anonymous said...

What about investments? Many studies show that women are more successful investors as they don't try to time the market or take too many risks.


Anonymous said...

I'm pretty sure Nancy does make money in her own right but I think that misses the point. A marriage is a partnership, one makes money but not without the support of the other. One may make home, is that worthless? Does that remove the RIGHT of the home maker to financial decisions? Frankly I think your argument makes no sense.

It's also not that easy for a Woman to make it in a male dominated world in fact, but it's great to see that old fasioned nonsense being broken down more and more.

Some of us like to be dominated and controlled and that's our choice and we like to talk and read about it. It's exciting, it's interesting and enlightening. Just trying to go a little more toward that position is really fascinating if you give it a go. Your wife might be quietly seething at you for you not respecting her RIGHT to 'your' money, but you may never know.

it's great how this blog attracts such a varied response and person type, i'm sure dennis appreciates your thoughts. I'd love to hear his reply. I don't agree with all the aspects of his relationship, but it's nevertheless fascinating and an education.


Mark Remond said...

dennis responds to uxorious:

Controlling the money means She controls ALL of it, investments included. Most of the Women in our social circle make more money than hubby and 3/4 also have MBAs which arm them with the savvy to manage investments. Nancy does an excellent job, outperforming the major stock indexes. tom's Wife, Linda, does the same even though She doesn't have any formal business training. The Women do the men a favor by relieving them of the burdens of financial management; burdens which Women shoulder and for which they should be compensated as i briefly note in the next post. In both my and tom's cases we could manage the finances from a technical perspective but if given a choice - and we weren't! - we'd prefer that Nancy and Linda control the money. And Nancy and Linda aren't clerks; they don't ask tom or my opinions about any of it; they do as they please which includes selecting investments, allocating monies, or spending as much as they see fit on household needs and for their own enjoyment. Don't lose sight of the fact that the real benefit of financial control is relationship control. Financial control is a powerful motivator from both the Women's and the men's perspective...

Today's professional Woman is likely to have higher earnings and more financial savvy than Her husband so the investments are in good hands. The added benefit is that this can be leveraged further by controlling the relationship more effectively. Nevertheless, many individuals, grounded in patriarchy, want to see men continue to have control of the finances.

Alex said...

Could someone delete the nasty comments?
They are an insult to Womankind

Mark Remond said...

Alex, I'm the someone, and as I just commented on another post, I do delete scurrilous and derogatory comments when they occasionally crop up -- like painting out graffiti. Wish I didn't have to. And, yes, I will let critical comments pass, as long as they are not insulting or in obvious attack mode, but express a sincere point of view.