NANCY & DENNIS: SOME THOUGHTS ON HOUSEWORK, Pt. 2

I have been asked how I learned how to sew on buttons—and became skilled in other domestic arts. I thought I’d share the answer as a separate post for the possible benefit of many husbands.

My initial instruction in the domestic arts came from Mom and my aunt. Raised in an all-female household, I was required to cook, clean, wash, iron and sew a bit; everyone had to carry their weight, and we all took turns doing the various chores that needed done to keep a household running.

 

Later, the women of Nancy's family took my skills to new heights. Anytime I visited I was put to work on some domestic chore. I was told what to do, how to do it, and my performance was critiqued afterward. A great way to learn!

I not only learned how to do various chores but found that I enjoyed doing them; this is especially true of ironing, but that's another story.

For those husbands or single men who are still untutored in domestic chores, let me point out that there are any number of places where one can learn sewing, knitting, crocheting, etc. Many fabric shops offer lessons on either a group- or private-lesson basis.  Many community colleges have non-credit classes in “bachelor living,” which is a home economics class for men and well worth taking. Otherwise guys can look to their wives, girlfriends or mother-in-law for instruction. These women will be only too happy to provide lessons as they realize that a man’s having domestic skills ultimately benefits women.

A final comment for now: Doing household tasks crosses traditional gender lines and is a power way of reinforcing the relative roles of Women and man in a female-led relationship.  Performing traditionally female leisure crafts such as knitting, needlepoint, floral displays, calligraphy, etc., are stronger statements still.  What Nancy and I find interesting is that most men are reluctant to undertake such traditionally female leisure crafts early in an FLR, but, after some time in a relationship, are much more receptive as they have immersed themselves in their domestic roles.

NANCY & DENNIS: OF SERVICE TO THE QUEEN

Devoted Hubby, I enjoyed your comment on the post, "SOME THOUGHTS ON HOUSEWORK":

“I find it has increased her confidence at home, knowing that I want to take up the slack so that she can focus on more important things (she is a terrific organizer). She is also a very messy person, and where that used to drive me crazy, I love tidying up after her. I don't know if she consciously continues to leave her work clothes lying around for me to put away, but I like it!”

I agree! There are many rewards for men in a female-led relationship. Most certainly relieving her of housework is important as it allows her to focus on her job, education, or leisure activities.

I enjoyed your mention of "tidying up after her" and your suspecting that she intentionally is leaving things around for you to take care of.  I, too, suspect that, yes, she is intentionally leaving things around, and I love to hear about a woman doing such things because, when she does, she is affording her man the opportunity — no, the privilege – to be of service. She has likely noticed the satisfaction you derive from picking up and is responding accordingly.

Picking up is something I do, too, and it was the result of my wanting to do more for her; I just started doing it and now it is expected. When Nancy gets home, she kicks off her shoes and changes clothes, sometimes leaving her things in one place, but often dropping things here and there as she knows I'll pick her things up wherever they land. I serve as her valet by picking up her things and taking care of them. Her shoes are always cleaned and her clothes are inspected to see if buttons are loose, whether they need pressing or dry-cleaning, and so on. If they do, these items are taken care of before they are put away in her closet. The same inspection takes place with whatever she plans on wearing the next day; my wife has to go out into the business world looking like the demanding executive that she is. For her it's dressing for success; for me it's a rewarding part of my day making sure she is well  and properly taken care of.

NANCY & DENNIS: KEEPING A JOURNAL

I keep a journal, actually two of them, and we feel it's a good idea for other men in an FLR to do the same.

The first journal is a day-to-day log of my household activities as well as comments, things-to-do, things-to-get, and so on. I can also put in comments and suggestions.

The journal is not private. Nancy and her mother, Sue, can browse it, make entries and so on. It's through the journal that I make suggestions that the women can either act on or ignore. Sue often takes my suggestions to Nancy for consideration. The journal is also a way of keeping track of my routine of housework, what I've done and what I've yet to do, our social schedule, and Nancy's business travel. What the women see in my journal often determines whether I participate in social outings or whether I have to stay home to complete chores.

This first journal also contains the dreaded “demerits” section. Violating rules, not meeting standards, missing deadlines, etc., are logged into the journal and an appropriate number of demerits assigned. When demerits accumulate to a level that is deemed significant, there is a reckoning and appropriate repercussions, the nature of which can vary widely. Nancy or her mother usually assign demerits, but I can recognize my mistakes and log them into the journal as an admission of guilt. Self-admitted transgressions accrue half the number of demerits, a progressive concept indeed.

The second journal is a “book of knowledge.” This book is constantly being changed to reflect our household situation. It lays out a typical week and month of housework as well as standards for each household task. The theory is, of course, that if I'm to do something, I want to do it properly; the journal tells me when and how. There is a right way to clean the living room, a right way to load the dishwasher, an appropriate way to scrub floors—and even the right way to light a cigarette. There is a chivalry section, long committed to memory, that needs no explanation. All of it has been learned over time thanks largely to the tutelage of Nancy, her mother, and her aunts.

The second journal also contains other important information. I have entries for more than twenty women who are either relatives or close friends, all of whom are aware of our FLR lifestyle. In these pages I note a number of things such as her:

• Name and address for mailing cards, notes, and packages
• Preferred form of address when being spoken to
• Birthday (but not birth year!)
• Occupation and position
• Anniversary, if she celebrates this day, or, if appropriate, her divorce date
• Favorite coffee, tea, and soda
• Preferred mixed drink(s)
• Wine preferences
• Favorite perfume and dusting powder
• Favorite chocolate
• Favorite colors
• Brand of cigarettes
• Favorite dessert(s)
• Favorite flowers
• Favorite genre of books (e.g., romance novels, etc.)
• Hobbies and personal interests
• Husband’s/boyfriend’s name
• Any comments, situations, opinions, events, challenges, etc., that she mentioned at previous meetings

This part of the journal is used in affording proper treatment to a woman visitor and also in my periodically sending her cards and things throughout the year, something I'll discuss later. I always greet women visitors to our home, serve them a drink, offer a cigarette (where appropriate), and engage them in light conversation. Women love it when men listen to and remember what they have to say. I think that listening and responding accordingly is a duty of a subordinate gentlemen. Being attentive, honoring her preferences, and being able to address her in meaningful conversation are important ways of worshiping women.

Women are worthy of our worship!

NANCY & DENNIS: SOME THOUGHTS ON HOUSEWORK, Pt. 1

We had a visit from a couple we know who are moving forward in a Female Led Relationship. She has long since completely taken over management of the finances and thus has a solid grip on power.

The problem? Housework.

We'd think that a man who has given financial control to his wife would fall into line on housework, but he hasn't.

At issue here isn't his doing housework but, rather, what constitutes housework. He considers that mowing the grass, changing oil in the car, washing cars and other guy-jobs are housework. She doesn't, and we completely agree with her. Consider the following:

 Men should be doing housework because it relieves her of some or all of the routine and drudgery allowing her to pursue personal interests, a career or just relaxation. It's all about female empowerment. Mowing the grass, changing oil and the like aren't the type of thing that she would be doing, so she gets no benefit.

Guy-jobs of the type mentioned are infrequent compared to the ongoing nature of housework. “A woman's work is never done” is a saying steeped in reality.

In many cases guy-jobs are more hobbies than actual work, excuses to run off for endless hours at the auto parts or hardware store.

And they are inefficient tasks, too. For example, one can have their oil changed for less money and way less time than doing it oneself. Mowing the lawn is also a task that can be outsourced, freeing him to be available for more work inside where his efforts will directly benefit her. And for home repairs it’s much better to hire a pro. Things get done more quickly and don't cause a husband to lose focus on what his wife wants.

Housework keeps men productively occupied, something he would unlikely be if left to his own devices.

And doing housework makes men appreciate just how difficult it is to keep a home neat, orderly and running efficiently.

In addition to the benefit it provides her, men doing traditional housework also benefits them. Our experience is that housework changes men’s perspectives and gives them a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment. Men may be hesitant about housework but once they understand what she wants, how she wants it done and establish a routine to do it, it will be very satisfying to him and empowering to her.

 A woman need to be involved and establish a routine for her man. Additionally, since men are not well versed in household tasks, she'll likely have to spell things out and do some training and exercise oversight, but her persistence will pay off.

In our case, I have a housework routine that includes cleaning, washing and ironing. Since Nancy and her mother enjoy cooking, I infrequently cook, but I do serve meals and clean up afterward.

Over the years I have taken on more and more domestic duties and am always looking to do more work and more in terms of looking after Nancy and her mother. Wanting to do more is a common feeling that many men have after settling into an FLR. I was doing so much inside that, at Nancy's direction, I abandoned the inefficient chores I was doing outside and in the garage, freeing up time for more inside tasks and interests. We're all much happier as a result.

NANCY & DENNIS: POLITICAL ACTIVITY ON BEHALF OF WOMEN

With the election rapidly approaching, those of us who'd like to see more women in political office have an opportunity to get involved and make a difference. Get out and support women candidates by donating to their campaigns, putting up signs, soliciting voter support, working the phones, vocally advocating women candidates at work and among friends, working the polls on election day, and, of course, voting for woman candidates. Women should see to it that their men get involved and support woman candidates. We feel by helping women attain political power men can atone for centuries of patriarchy that have limited women.

Nancy and I are active in a local feminist group that always campaigns for women. We not only support campaigns but encourage women to step forward as candidates and run for office. We have had numerous successes over the years with local and regional campaigns. Our most recent success was in mobilizing women to elect a female majority to both our school board and town council; after the next election this majority is expected to grow to an all woman membership as well as a woman mayor. How did we do this? By mobilizing women to come out and vote for change by electing women and by these women 'suggesting' that their men support the slate of female candidates, too.

Nancy enlists me to work the campaigns of specific female candidates. She runs a tight ship and home and insists that I keep up my domestic routine but at election time I get some leeway to allow me to fully participate in campaigning. For men who are new to FLRs or only exploring one, getting involved on behalf of a woman candidate will provide an opportunity to work with assertive and determined women.

There is a saying regarding the initiation of political change, 'think globally; act locally'. By electing women to local office we drive positive change and lay a foundation for women and their matriarchal values to attain higher office.

NANCY & DENNIS: GETTING INVOLVED IN FEMINIST ACTIVITIES

This is in response to a comment  on my post “Ideas for Matriarchal Weddings,”  in which I mentioned both the wearing and making of aprons by a bridegroom in a matriarchal wedding. Anonymous wondered if I was feminized by Nancy in any way, or if I had a desire to be feminized or to wear feminine things.

This question provides me a convenient entree into a topic I wanted to introduce—men getting actively involved in feminist activities.

Yes, I wear an apron while doing household chores; it's the first thing I put on when I arrive home. Nancy is from a female-led family and men wearing aprons was— is!—a family tradition. I'm now following that tradition. Even if Nancy decided against it, I'm sure that my mother-in-law would insist as she now lives with us and represents an authority figure within our home. As for my style of aprons, I have many, some plain and masculine, and others quite fancy and decidedly feminine. 

As for being feminized, neither Nancy onr her Mother feminize me, at least in the popular connotation of the term. Being feminized seems to have a forbidden connotation to it— and it shouldn't. Women have crossed the gender divide in their dress and interests for years and have not been criticized for doing so. Men going the other way have not fared as well.

Feminist writers have made the critical observation that, in emulating men in dress and interests, women are paying tribute, of sorts, to the so-called “superior” sex. On the other hand, men who have taken women's clothes and interests are ostracized because they are emulating the “weaker” gender.  Both these behaviors are not only sexists but patently patriarchal.

Now consider that women are getting the majority of college degrees, have a lower unemployment rate, are increasingly represented in the professions and are gaining at the executive level. What now on feminization?  If we migrate toward a matriarchy—and we are!—with women gaining recognition as the superior sex, are more and more men going to emulate women in their dress, interests and manner? It's an intriguing question.

Now let’s look at feminization in another context—being a man in a female-led relationship and secure enough in himself to cross the gender line to enjoy activities, hobbies, mannerisms, etc., traditionally associated with women.

 In my case, following the example of women in our family, I, too, send out cards and handwritten notes on fancy stationery to mark special occasions, birthdays, etc.  I enjoy accompanying my wife, her mother and friends to the ballet and enjoy being attentive to them when we are out. I enjoy various crafts as well as a good romance novel.

I don't consider myself feminized but rather as objectively reaching across gender lines to embrace things that I see as having value. I think I've done the same with my embracing a female-led relationship, hardly something a patriarchate would call “masculine.” One feminist philosopher wrote that woman do not  need to give up their options for dress, makeup, etc., as a precondition to achieving equality (feminists talk about “equality” but increasingly mean “superiority”!). Rather, these feminists say, Women should retain the options they have and offer them to men. Maybe as matriarchy dawns, men will be wise enough to embrace the options women are offering and be able to do so without criticism or ostracism.

NANCY & DENNIS: IDEAS FOR MATRIARCHAL WEDDINGS

In an anonymous comment to the previous post on “Taking Her Name in Marriage,” I was asked, “What would an ideal Matriarchal wedding be like?”

An ideal Matriarchal wedding? Well, there are many possible components but ultimately it gets down to what the Woman wants. Here are a few suggestions from our experience.

A Matriarchal wedding may include a bachelorette party but does not include a bachelor party.

A key element would be marriage vows that are structured to reflect the couple’s female-led lifestyle. He would certainly take a vow of obedience to his new bride, and she might promise the traditional have, hold, love, and cherish. This is something to be planned in advance, and it serves a useful purpose of formalizing his commitment and letting all in the congregation know of the couple's intentions. I took a vow to love, honor, worship, and obey Nancy when we married. She and her family structured our vows, and until I got to the altar I was unaware of exactly what my vows would be, although we had discussed obedience. Waiting until the ceremony was a way of indicating my trust in Nancy and demonstrating that i believed she would always act in my best interests.

Consider having a female minister preside at the wedding ceremony. We find that female ministers are helpful with structuring wedding vows; some male ministers have been reluctant to depart from “tradition.”

Have the minister present the married couple with her name first, using whatever name or names the couple will use. In our case Nancy retained her name so, something like "I now present to you our newlyweds, Ms. Jane Doe and Mr. Frank Smith" would be done in such a case.

Another thing we recommend, which also comes from our wedding, is the giving of aprons to the groom. I received six different aprons, all beautifully decorated and all decidedly feminine. Each bridesmaid bought or made one of the aprons. This was quite appropriate to a man who was to have a decidedly domestic focus after marriage. I opened these gifts and tried all of them on during our reception and then danced with the bridesmaid who presented it. An apron is a gift that speaks volumes about the couple’s anticipated life after marriage and in giving me an apron each bridesmaid recognized my role. Incidentally, Nancy's bridesmaids were all feminists like Nancy and me; these women rarely wore an apron for any reason, although I’m sure their men did!

As a show of Matriarchal power have the bride order her new husband—wearing an apron, of course—to serve cake to the assembled guests. After a cutting the cake and having a toast, Nancy told me to serve cake to the guests. This was Her first instruction given to me as a married man. The women loved it, and I did, too.

In the weeks leading up to the wedding have the prospective groom make an apron. Nancy's grandmother said that an apron would be a useful item for a married man and suggested I make one. Under her tutelage I did, a very fancy, full apron that took a long time to cut and sew. It was unveiled at our rehearsal dinner the evening before our marriage. Lots of fun and very useful. Wearing my apron, I served champagne to the female members of the wedding party at our rehearsal dinner. I still have that apron and the other wedding aprons, although, in the interest of preserving them, I don't use them as frequently as I did earlier in our marriage.

If he is taking her name in marriage, something that, unfortunately, can still be controversial, a couple will want to make sure everyone present is aware of the couple’s intentions. I've mentioned this in an earlier post.

Before the wedding a couple should discuss and formalize issues such as whose career takes precedence, how much housework he will do, mention that she will manage finances, and so on.

Nancy and i have identical wedding and engagement rings. We also wore identical stud earrings. This was our preference, and other couples have done similar things.

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