Sunday, April 28, 2013


Nancy writes: Every now and then I get what I regard as a good response; then there's this one (below), which is perhaps the best response I've ever received on this blog.  It was to the previous post, “Toward a Lifelong Female-Led Marriage: Phone Calls, Email & Texting – Taking Control” 

The comment was so obviously heartfelt, sincere and yet sad that I wanted to respond in a regular post rather than merely in the Comments section.

First, here is the comment by Anonymous, addressed jointly to me and to Kathy of the femdom101 blog:
Dear Nancy and Kathy,

You both have turned our marriage upside down! We were in a patriarchal relationship for 38 years, and we discovered upon retirement that my wife had opinions and a strong leadership personality. I decided one day to just obey her every command rather than try to continue on an egalitarian, shared leadership style in our retirement.

My wife took to my submissiveness and her being the boss like a racehorse that has finally been allowed to run at her pace and style! We both loved the result of her taking complete control but did not understand the dynamics until I searched the Internet and we found your two blogs. We now realize what we have and are thrilled to discover how great the Femdom-marriage can be! We couldn't be happier in our new roles.

I regret one major thing in our life and that is when my mother-in-law was alive and lived with us that I didn’t know the joy of serving and having the opportunity to take orders from her.

Now here is my response:

Dear Anonymous,

Better late than never. We encounter couples who try to share decision-making in their marriages, and it just doesn't work! The woman-in-charge scenario is not only satisfying to women, but to men, too; it's a win-win, as you've both discovered. As I've said many times, men love being told what to do. When they are, it results in the kind of tranquil, satisfying marriage that all men crave. Many women are not inclined to take on a leadership role, but once they do, they, like your wife, really love it!  Obedient men are a wonderful thing, as are silent men! Obey your wife and listen when she speaks and your relationship will flourish!

My husband and I are truly sorry to hear about your mother-in-law. Our experience is that mothers-in-law bring a lot to a female-led marriage. My mother was head of her household and was—and is!—a great role model for me. I always seek her opinions. My mother is retired and resides with us. While I'm the boss, she's the family Matriarch, a Goddess in her own right, a wise woman we all respect, a woman my husband worships. Mother is very demanding, and the one who enforces the rules. I work full time and delegate this authority to her; whatever she decides is right. Her aggressive enforcement of rules as well as her adding ritual to our daily routine drives my husband to be his best. dennis loves serving my mother just as I'm sure you would have enjoyed serving your mother-in-law.

Your comment,”"I regret one major thing in our life and that is when my mother-in-law was alive and lived with us that I didn’t know the joy of serving and having the opportunity to take orders from her” is indeed a beautiful sentiment—probably the most beautiful one I've EVER seen on this or any other blog! Please share these emotions with your wife; I'm sure she will appreciate them. Ask her how she thinks her mother might have responded to your being more submissive. Consider serving your wife in this way in memory of your mother-in-law. 



Anonymous said...

Dear Nancy and Dennis ,
Thankyou for your kind response to our story! I read your response to my wife this morning and we had a wonderful time remembering our time together with mom and our future as a femdom marriage. My wife Elaine believes I served her mother well but I would not have had the moments of resentment towards her had I seen her as my superior and had the opportunity to enjoy serving both of them equally. My mother in law was quite well read and intelligent so I did enjoy travelling with her and my wife, but now I see how much pleasure we all could have had if mom could have exercised her dominance! Again thank you for your kind response !

Anonymous said...


Thank you for the very interesting post. I am in a situation similar to Anonymous', as my mother-in-law died well before i retired, which was in turn several years before my wife and I adopted our FLR.

This raises a question: what about the man's mother - should the woman expect the man to show her service and obedience? More relevant to our personal circumstance (as my mother is no longer alive), would you have any concerns about an adult son getting into an FLR, for fear that his woman might direct his efforts toward her mother and family to the detriment of his (i.e., you)? We have 2 adult sons and my wife especially wonders about her future relationship with them should they be in an FLR.

Thank you for any thoughts you might wish to offer,
Yes, My Love

Anonymous said...

Dear Y M L, our son and daughter in law are unaware of the full commitment we have made to FLM , but they do see me serve her, and they do realize she makes a lot of decisions.
Consequently because of my example my son while officially the HOH by default his wife does a lot of the day to day decisions and planning, and he does most of the household chores!
When are doing things together I have observed that my wife and daughter in law make the plans while my son and I serve. The only difference is my wife Elaine makes decisions with out my input, while my daughter in law gets a token okay from my son.
So it's seems to work well the two women collaborate and lead, but because of my wife's experience and wisdom she is revered in our family as the go to person for direction. Incidentally in our former careers I was the leader of a 40 million dollar firm, so I know how to lead as well, my wife however is clearly my superior!

Nancy and Dennis said...

For Anonymous (who regrets not having served his mother-in-law while she was alive):

It's good that you had opportunities to travel with your mother-in-law and that you appreciated her intelligence. These are very positive things that many men - stuck in their patriarchal ways - don't ever have.

If I may make a suggestion - and it's one of semantics - my preference is to use the term 'female-led relationship/marriage,' which I equate to benevolent authority exercised by the woman.

Again, thank you for your responses and best wishes for the future,


Anonymous said...

I do worry that Mothers of sons in Female Led relationships might indeed get a raw deal. Having a Daughter will have distinct advantages and may lead to parents wanting daughter above sons.

I think that the male when he marries joins another family and is a valuable resource of labour and attentiveness and comfort for both the family he is joining and the one he has grown up in.

It would be good if his Mother approved and indeed had a hand in choosing his spouse. I am sure that some agreement could be come too as to an amount of time that he could help in his old household and that he would still want to serve his Mother and support her.


Anonymous said...

Nancy, Again thanks for your feedback and advice. I have been a bit overwhelmed with all this new terminology and will begin to use FLM as it describes us well.

Nancy and Dennis said...

Anonymous ("Femsup" again) -

We've seen a variety of responses to men entering into a woman-led relationship. Friends, family, and colleagues at work can have responses ranging from excited and enthusiastic to strong disapproval. We've seen men applauded as 'modern men' for their willingness to accept female leadership, to support her career, and even to take her name in marriage. We've also seen condemnation for the same things. It depends. There is a distinct trend towards more female leadership, both in the workplace and at home - those who object will just have to live with it; it's the new reality. What's important is for the couple to decide on whatever lifestyle suits them and follow their hearts. Others will just have to accept this and likely will over time. One of the postings on this site - about 9 months ago - concerned men taking the women's name in marriage and dealt with some of the objections couples who chose this particular path faced


Nancy and Dennis said...

Anonymous (who also lost his mother-in-law) -

You raise some interesting questions that I would like to explore. In my experience the man has always served the woman and her family but not because she directed he exclude his family.

We lived a considerable distance from dennis' mother so this wasn't an issue as it might have been if his family was near by. Dennis' mother was aware of our FLR and was very supportive, herself being a very dynamic, feminist woman, who embraced role reversal.

A good point that I'll bring up with others to discuss on a later date... But, keep in mind that a man always can bring up concerns with his wife or wife-to-be. Until she sets the rules, most women are open to such concerns. Even afterward, women are open to accommodating special situations. FLR are relationships, not dictatorships.