Sunday, April 21, 2013
NANCY & DENNIS: TOWARD A LIFELONG FEMALE LED MARRIAGE—WHAT'S IN THERE?
At a recent Female-Led workshop, a woman said she suspects that her husband is hiding things from her. Unfortunately, she’s probably right! Men do tend to squirrel things away and might be tempted to hide things from their wives, particularly if the man in question has only recently started on an FLR or if the wife is in the process of establishing control.
Our little conclave suggested that she look into things and provided her some suggestions. We added that by doing so she was doing him a favor—helping him do what’s right.
Things to check – men are good at hiding things; be good at finding them!
Make sure your man understands that your having complete authority means “complete access.” When you ask him to give you his wallet to look through, his ONLY response should be, “Yes, Ma'am!” Women need to understand this, too. Ladies, don't feel guilty about looking into things. By being in the know you’re helping him do what's right!
His wallet—Periodically check his wallet. Does he have more money than you allow? Are there any credit card or ATM receipts that he should have given you or that he shouldn’t have in the first place? Does he have inappropriate receipts; things he shouldn’t have bought? If he does, demand an explanation; take any money he shouldn’t have.
One woman in our group is particularly strict on this. If her husband has money he shouldn't, it costs him, no matter the reason! He has to turn over that amount PLUS 50%. If he has bought something without her permission, the item is returned, and she gets the money plus 50%.
In dennis' case, he gets a generous allowance but can't have more than $20 in his wallet without permission. If he does, it costs him! Money right then and there as well as adding demerits that will eventually cost him yet again. There’s no protection from “double jeopardy” with me.
His computer bag—A woman friend periodically checks her husband’s computer case; she found that he was using it to hide men’s magazines that he wasn’t supposed to have.
Toolboxes—Check toolboxes, work benche, and the garage for things he might be hiding. One woman’s husband was using a toolbox to hide liquor that he was only supposed to be drinking with her permissions.
The trunk of the car—The trunk of his car is a common hiding place; check in the wheel well, too. You’ll never know what you’ll find. One woman found that her husband was hiding money he wasn’t supposed to have in HER car! The $500 she found under the spare tire when she had a flat came in handy at the mall! He was playing games with expense reimbursements and used that money to treat his male friends despite her not allowing him. No more! And she used this as an opportunity to call her husband's company to make sure that future expense reimbursements were put in with his normal pay where she could control them.
Another woman found men’s magazines in her husband’s car, magazines he wasn't permitted to have. Now she checks not only his car but his briefcase quite often.
No locks!—Something with a lock on it should make you suspicious; have the lock removed or have him give you a key. One woman made a statement by having dennis cut the lock cut off while her man was away; dennis is always happy to help women get or maintain control! She found new tools he didn't need and didn't have permission to buy. Her having the lock removed stressed her authority and her impatience with her man when it came to his following rules.
Keep him on his toes—Check often but not predictably, not with any regularity. Being effective means surprising him. I may check dennis’ wallet three days in a row and then not for a month. It's all random.
Be firm – I meet dennis at the door and demand his wallet or his bag and go through it. No hello kiss, no conversation—until I take care of business!
Be assertive—I might scatter the contents of his wallet or computer case on the floor. I'm showing my authority in a way other than by just looking.
By preventing her man from hiding things, a woman eliminates temptation and helps him do what’s right—that is, do what SHE wants done!
Oh, and ladies, your purse is purely private and he should understand this. dennis may carryEVER! One day I was at the mall with mother, and I needed a number from a credit card inside my purse. Dennis was at home and could have looked, but I had him bring the purse to me at the mall. I got the number I needed and sent him back home with the purse. It reinforced his understanding of my complete privacy. Mother purposely asked dennis to get something from her purse. Dennis responded correctly by bringing her the purse. He didn't go into it; he knew better!