DENNIS: KAITLIN'S WORK GOES ON

i was at our local Women’s Center the other day and ran into Kaitlin who is continuing Her graduate research. (See my earlier post, “MatriarchalUnderground: Father Didn’t Know Best,” Oct. 25, 2013.) She has accumulated a lot more data and is more confident in the trends She is seeing. Apparently Women during the past several generations have had a lot more control than we suspected!

You may think of the '50s and '60s as being the era of the obedient Woman. Well, think again. And you may think that was not until the '70s that Women gained some real control and personal freedom. Not necessarily so! Yes, the '70s were a time when

Women became more vocal, but, according to Kaitlin’s anecdotal research, Women in earlier decades had plenty of power and freedom.

Consider the following trends that are materializing in Kaitlin's research:

§  The more educated the man, the more likely he is to be in a Female-led relationship. Kaitlin muses that this raises an interesting question: “If we want to achieve Matriarchy, do we simply have to educate men?”

§  In the majority of couples surveyed by Kaitlin, Women exercised financial control.

§  In the all cases studied, the husband had more education than his Wife, but She was still in charge.

§  In the relationships studied. all of the men did at least some housework, and they did it as a matter of routine as dictated by their wives

§  In half the relationships studied, men did at least 50% of the housework.

§  In 15% of relationships, men did all the housework.

§  The wife not working outside the home had no bearing on his doing housework; couples deemed it fair that he take on responsibility no matter what Her employment status.

§  Women felt that their social life and personal pursuits took priority over housework; men agreed.

§  Women enforced their rules in a number of ways: denial of sex; denial of domestic services (meal preparation and sewing, for example); and “motivational speaking.” About a quarter of the Women mentioned physical punishment as a means of discipline.

§  About half of the Women interviewed have admitted to having an affair. Interestingly, when this topic was brought up among the male half of couples interviewed, none of the men suspected their wives of an affair. Women apparently keep secrets well, even though most of those who admitted having an extramarital affair also said they had confided this to at least one Woman friend.

§  Some affairs were one-night stands, some lasted years. The number of lovers varied, but no one to date has approached Darlene's 20+gentlemen. 

§  Prior to the 1970s, Women with jobs outside the home were less likely to have an affair than were women who were full-time homemakers. It was not until the '70s that working outside the home correlated to women having an affair.

§  Although it's not the subject of Her research, Kaitlin suspects that today's professional Woman is highly likely to have an affair because of the attraction that strong, powerful Women have to desirable men. i can see this dynamic in play with my own boss, Carol.

§  Kaitlin also cites a statistic from some other research that says that when a Woman earns more than $75,000 per year, the likelihood of Her having an affair goes way up.

Where is Kaitlin's research headed? An intriguing question. All I can tell you is that Kaitlin, who regards Herself as a Female Supremacist, is pursuing a graduate degree and wants to find a college teaching position, perhaps in a Women's Studies program, from which She can continue to work inspiring and empowering Women.

d

DENNIS: FOLLOWING UP ON ‘HOUSEKEEPING 101’

i learned a number of housekeeping skills from the women in Nancy's family, and look back on my many learning sessions with fondness. Unfortunately, the women in Nancy's family weren't necessarily concerned with speed and efficiency, only quality.

After we were married with a priority placed on Nancy's career, more and more—and eventually all—of the housekeeping fell to me. Additionally, there were the routine shopping and volunteer work that I did at the Women’s Center. Trying to balance even my secondary career with my domestic duties, i started falling behind and obviously needed some help. That help came in the form of training at both a large hotel and with a woman-run residential maid service. In both instances, quality had to be balanced with speed and efficiency; it was an economic imperative. Nancy's mother, Sue, knew a hotel housekeeping supervisor and a Woman who ran a maid service; both were always looking for help due to the high turnover, which was mainly attributed to the grueling pace. Initially Sue lined up a job for me at a hotel and later with the maid service.

Rhoda, the supervisor at the hotel, was a tough-as-nails woman. She was quick to chastise Her maids if their work wasn't up to Her expectations—and things seldom met Her expectations; and if they did, She'd raise the bar. Rhoda agreed to take me on so long as Sue could promise that i'd work regular hours for at least six months and that i'd recognize that She and “her girls” ran the show; whatever She and her girls said was law!

While Rhoda was my overall boss, she assigned me to one of Her maids, who was responsible for my on-the-job training. The maids appreciated having the help but didn't like having to stop and correct or instruct me. They did enjoy having someone to boss around and did so with about as much energy as did Rhoda. My helping them took some of the pressure off the maids and gave them more frequent opportunities to go out on the balcony to grab a much deserved smoke.

Each maid was responsible for cleaning 12-15 rooms a day—more if we didn't have a lot of guests checking out—plus common areas. It was tough work, but i learned so many lessons that helped me get more efficient at home. I cut the time it took me to dress a bed by over half and learned how to plan my work. It took a lot of yelling and screaming on the part of the maids and Rhoda. but after a few weeks I was elevated to “maid” status and given my own block of rooms, which I cleaned on weekends and whenever else I might be available. My work was all subject to Rhoda's inspection and approval, and no matter how good I thought i was, she always found fault and made me do it better. She was in my face if things weren't right and made it a point to give me all of the “problem rooms” as a rest for her girls and to teach me a bit of humility.

As for pay? Well, i really didn't need to be paid since this was a learning experience, but i received minimum wage that went home to Nancy and Sue. i was required to turn over any tips i found in my rooms to Rhoda, and, on Sue's advice, i gave Rhoda and my supervising maid a gratuity every week. i kept this job for eight months and even today occasionally go back and put on an apron when Rhoda finds herself needing help. i will tell you this: a maid's work is hard and most maids are under-appreciated.

The maid service job was also a training that Sue arranged. A Woman friend

ran a local maid service that cleaned residential homes. Again, I worked this

assignment on weekends, going out in a crew with four Ladies. The supervisor drove the van and inspected the work. My supervisor was, by her own admission, “a real bitch,” maybe even more “tough” than Rhoda, if that's possible. She knew of my FLR home life and had me address all of her Ladies formally, i.e., “Yes Ma'am!” She made sure I did the tough jobs as well as always cleaning toilets. It was break for her crew and She and Her Girls loved lording over me – teaching me humility as well as honing my housecleaning skills. Rhoda was a strict disciplinarian, but that experience was nothing like working on the maid service crew. The supervisor would always be driving us—and specifically me!—to improve on the schedule. “Speed and quality” were her watchwords, often yelled out. She'd always be watching. And if correction was required, She would be in my face to let me know what I did wrong.

Punishment? Infractions usually cost me cigarette breaks, or she might make me smoke while standing outside in frigid weather. And if i got done early with a task, she'd find more for me to do by stripping a bed and having me fix it up. All said, i learned a lot; when you pull up to a totally disheveled house and leave it immaculate an hour and a half later, you're doing something right! And on weekends we usually did five or six houses a day.

In addition to teaching me to be an efficient housekeeper, these two jobs also strengthened my Feminist convictions. men should have to do such work, so that they can appreciate what maids and other pink collar workers do for a living. most men i know couldn't keep up with their female colleagues.

‘ REAL WOMEN DON’T DO HOUSEWORK’—THE BOOK AT LAST!

From Mark Remond: I ‘m as euphoric as a summer skyrocket at the news that Fumika Misato has finally decided to publish Real Women Don’t Do Housework as a book. As you will know, if you’re a regular reader of this blog (all the way back to its beginnings in 2007), I’ve been a long-time convert to Lady Misato’s revolutionary ideas for saving and revitalizing marriages.

Her long-awaited book, which can now be downloaded gratis in .pdf from Scribd.com, is a 93-page quintessence of her wonderful website, which introduced the idea of “wife worship” to the world.

Rather than write a brand-new review of RWDDH, I’m going to reprint my “Tribute to Lady ‘M’” from April 2008, which I also used as a Dedication to Worshipping Your Wife 2:Best of the Blog:

A Tribute to Lady ‘M’ (4.17.08)

In my book I celebrate the rise of FLRs, female-led relationships, and LFA, loving female authority:

“…a new type of female empowerment—not to be confused with female domination or female supremacy. In fact, the proponents of this new empowerment generally dismiss the world of ‘femdom,’ with its bizarre rituals and iconography, as a kind of male-oriented fantasy-land, in which women are ultimately devalued.” (Worshipping Your Wife, p. 84)

I don’t know who coined FLR and LFA, but the acronyms seem to have caught on, especially FLR, helping to destigmatize and advance the cause of women as loving leaders in marriages and romantic relationships.

They’ve accomplished this largely by replacing all the mondo bizarro imagery associated with femdom—B&D, S&M, et al. Instead of a whip-wielding, vinyl-sheathed dominatrix lording it over a groveling lump of naked male flesh, we may now envision something akin to the radiant image that graces Lady Misato’s website, Real Women Don’t Do Housework—and also the cover of my book.

“The Accolade” (1901) by Edmund Leighton depicts a lovely queen or princess, standing statuesque in a shaft of light as she confers knighthood with a longsword on a kneeling, unhelmeted warrior, head bent. Googling will yield many similar images from Leighton, along with those by his fellow historical painters in the English Pre-Raphaelite school, John William Waterhouse and Sir Edward Burne-Jones.

Yes, submissive men can be viewed as heroic knights, and their dominant damsels may be transfigured as radiant and fully empowered queens. This is not just the storybook romance model, but the courtship model, which Lady Misato converted into a working blueprint for contemporary wife-worship (or “wifedom,” as she also calls it) and which I subsequently made the cornerstone of my book.

I acknowledge my considerable debt to Fumika Misato, not just for inspiring my book, but also for helping to save my marriage—and many other marriages, I’m sure. Perhaps she did not originate the terms “Loving Female Authority” (that may have been Elise Sutton, softening her own website a bit) and “Female Led Relationship,” but “Wife Worship” is almost certainly Lady Misato’s inspired coinage. And I regard her as the prime creatrix of the new FLR movement, which is rapidly gaining mainstream acceptance.

For me, and many other men I have discussed these matters with, it was Real Women Don’t Do Housework that showed us that our longings to serve a woman are not necessarily twisted or perverse, but are at the very pulsing heart of romantic longing, even of heroic courtship. They can be proclaimed proudly, not hidden away or denied. Instead of leading us into masturbatory fantasies over kinky images, these longings can lead us right back into our marriages and back to our wonderful wives. We have only to embrace our wives as loving leaders, to treat them as the queens and goddesses they truly are.

Or, to cite my favorite motto: “If you want your wife to be a goddess, worship her.”—Clairette de Longvilliers

Vive La Misato!

DENNIS: WHERE CAN A MAN FIND A STRONG, LEADING LADY?

From Mark Remond: This is another comment by Dennis expanded into a separate post. It was prompted by a comment from reader “Greg” on the Feb. 9 post, “AdditionalThoughts on Joan and The Protocols”:

Thanks for the article. So you sought out this type of relationship and actually found a girl who came from that type of family background? I feel like that is too rare of a chance to not have more of a story line to it. Did you have to search for Femdom clubs then looked for a girl within that community? Did you advertise online for female led relationships and she responded? I just feel like it is so rare to come across a girl who wants an FLR let alone comes from an entire family background with that as the focus.—Greg

To which Dennis responded: “Some of it was just being lucky, but Nancy and i met at a NOW (National Organization of Women) meeting when we were in college. Women were naturally suspicious of the motives of males who suddenly showed up at NOW meetings, but i worked hard for the group and was accepted by them—and by Nancy. i was raised in an all-female household so, naturally, i had a much different view of Female authority than did most men. i was looking for a strong, in-control Woman and i found Her in Nancy. While i was predisposed to follow, She was predisposed to lead, what with coming from a family where the Women were firmly in charge. It all just clicked for us.

But in a further note to me, Dennis amplified a bit on this answer, and in a way that may be helpful to other guys seeking “in-charge women”:

“i'm tempted to give advice on how a man can find a strong, leading Lady. The problem is, as I see it, that too many men go about it too aggressively. For instance, we have too many men who show up at the Women’s Center wanting to “be a slave” and so on, only to be thrown out! It's not what Women want. What they do want is a man who they can control, but one they can control in a practical context, not a fantasy context. There is a difference. As for the Center, we know of seven FLR couples who met at the Center and now have great relationships.”

DENNIS: ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS ON JOAN AND THE PROTOCOLS

That a female-in-charge lifestyle flourished within Nancy's family was obvious from the moment i walked into Her home. The formality and structure was a significant new dimension for me, but one that had been solidly in place for some time. i'd been in many Woman-led households—the henpecked-husband relationships that Kaitlin is now discovering existed in significant numbers just under the social surface. Women in these relationships wielded significant authority, but there were limits influenced by societal norms. Many Women tell Kaitlin that their public personas were more traditional because of societal expectations that Women be more deferential to men. Nevertheless, these Women were the vanguard of a movement that would eventually lead to the better-educated, in-charge and upwardly Women of today.

 

In the years before meeting Sue and Joan, i aspired to just such a marital relationship. A relationship where men took orders, did housework, and subordinated spending decisions to their Wives. To me, men in such relationships were to be admired and respected, not ridiculed.  Nancy's family took that to another level altogether, demanding a measure of service that many “henpecking Wives”—and i use this term with respect and reverence—could never have imagined.

 

The lifestyle in Nancy's family was a living thing, requiring men constantly to take on new duties, behaviors, and formalities, all framed in The Protocols. And it wasn't just Women who drove these changes; men, too, appreciated that structure was a way to ensure their doing the right thing, thus ensuring a tranquil household.

DENNIS: VOWS OF OBEDIENCE & FIDELITY IN A ROLE-REVERSAL MARRIAGE

(A note from Mark Remond: There have been several comments critical of one of the Protocols mentioned in Dennis' earlier posting on that topic. That Protocol reads: “the man takes vows of obedience and fidelity; She does not!” Commenter Greg writes: “In this household, the women have partners other than their husbands? But the husbands remain faithful? I was under the impression that most women prefer monogamy so this part actually goes against what I believed most women want.” And Ronald comments: “I am kind of confused. People keep talking about women in femdom relationships being allowed to date other men. Why is that a sign of an ‘advanced’ FLR? Regardless of who is in charge shouldn't both partners be faithful to one another? Isn’t that the very definition of a relationship? Mutually exclusive love? If anything these relationships where the women are allowed to date other men should be called extreme relationships not advanced ones.” Taking the opposing view, Anonymous commented: “I too promised to love, honor and obey my Wife. She only promised to love me. While She has not dated other men, I know it is Her right to do if She wishes. While that might hurt me at first, my only concern is Her happiness. She is free to do as She pleases with no regard to my wishes. I belong to Her, not Her to me.” With that preamble in mind, here is Dennis’ clarification of his position, which is obviously in complete sync with the letter and spirit of The Protocols.)

*

Wedding vows for a couple entering into or already in a Female-led marriage are specifically structured to support a role reversal over patriarchal norms. Her not taking a vow of fidelity can simply be very symbolic of Her authority and his acceptance of it, or it can empower Her to do as She pleases. It's funny how men as a group have tacitly or openly embraced infidelity for centuries, but when Women do the same, men get all concerned.

In a Female-led lifestyle a man fully accepts Her authority to to whatever She pleases. He also accepts any limits She places on him. It's not a cafeteria plan where he picks and chooses what She can and cannot do; it's Her choice and Hers alone, PERIOD! We know of situations where Wives have elected to “pursue other options,” most often quietly, but sometimes quite openly. Nancy's Aunt was quite open about Her boyfriends. Carol, my boss, also has boyfriends, but quietly; it's Her prerogative and i don't say a word to Her husband whom i know well. On the other hand, were i to find out that Carol's husband was guilty of an infidelity, i'd tell Carol as i have other Women in the past when their man's behavior was out of bounds.

i'm not advocating infidelity, simply accepting one of the tenets of a Female-led relationship, that being, it's always Her choice

—d 

DENNIS: MEETING JOAN AND LEARNING OF ‘THE PROTOCOLS’

It was my second time home for a weekend with Nancy, and She promised me it would be a very busy one with plenty to do and a lot to learn. i was looking forward to it. On my first visit i was introduced to “housekeeping Her way” by Sue, but She wasn't the real trainer in Nancy's family. Rather, that title belonged to Sue’s Mother—Nancy's Grandmother—Joan.

Joan was an attractive Woman with Grandmotherly charm, but, i was warned, She also had a quick

temper and an intolerance for anything other than respect and obedience from males. Joan was the family Matron, regarded as a Wise Woman. Everybody respected Her and sought Her  opinion and followed it when they got it. She was like the Oracle of Delphi in Her own right. Family members would travel literally hundreds of miles to seek Her advice. No marriage partner was taken without Her approval, no home bought, no vacation planned, no investment made, no college major selected without consulting this Wise Woman.

In concert with Her daughters, Joan made the rules under which the family ran, all of which She referred to as The Protocols. The Protocols covered everything! They included the details of housekeeping as well as rules concerning how men treated Women in the family. A lot to learn, but it all made sense and resulted in a smoothly running household with the Women firmly in charge. No man ever got into trouble when he followed—to the letter—The Protocols. In fact, many men, myself included, have actively contributed to this body of rules, regulation and Female privilege. i'd go so far as to say that men benefit more from The Protocols than do Women.

Joan wasn't in charge just at home; She was the office manager for a large car dealership where She wielded a great deal of authority. When Joan spoke, people listened and obeyed. Even the dealership’s owner sought Her opinion and deferred to Her. He never hired anyone without Joan first interviewing them and giving Her approval. Joan had the last word on promotions, demotions, pay raises, and bonuses. She ran the place with a tight fist, and while some surely were jealous of Her power and even resented Her, they respected and obeyed Her, and that's what She cared about. In an era before Women ascended in the workplace, Joan had, power, position, privilege, a salary that eclipsed Her husband's, and a company car.

Joan held court; people and activity came to Her. So, on a Friday evening, having driven over 100 miles from school, i met Joan. She would be my tutor, my confidante, and my disciplinarian. Joan was expecting me when Nancy brought me in and gave me a brief introduction. From a fashion perspective Joan was dressed to the nines. Black dress, complementing patent leather pumps, ultra-sheer hose, and a mesmerizing array of jewelry. Nancy told me previously that i should genuflect to Joan; I did and was alone kneeling before the family Matron. She was seated in a high-back chair and motioned to me to sit on a stool at Her feet. She asked questions, and we talked for quite a while. After some time She mentioned The Protocols—the rules I had to learn to “make it” in the family. She went over some of the rules and behaviors, discussing them in depth; i listened intently, wanting to write them down—but that would come later.

Here is a sampling:

• Men are to continually demonstrate their deference to Women in ways appropriate to the social setting they are in
• When a Woman enters the room, all men rise out of respect for Her; they can remain in the room only with Her permission
• Men are to speak only when spoken to; Women don't really care what
  
  men have to say; men learn by listening to Women
• Women gather in the living room, men convene in the kitchen from which they can better serve Women
• Women are referred to by Ma'am, Madame, Mademoiselle, Dear Lady, or Ladies; men are never to refer to a Woman by just Her first name
• Proper attire is required of men serving Women
• Men are to seek out opportunities to serve Woman
• If a Woman extends Her hand, he genuflects and kisses it, indicating that it is his privilege to do so
• If a Woman extends Her foot, he genuflects and kisses it, indicating that it is his privilege to do so
• When a Woman enters a room, the gentlemen accord Her a “stoop-and-bow.” I was to find that a “stoop-and-bow” is somewhat like a curtsy and one of the reasons for wearing an apron
• When a Woman leaves the room, gentlemen accord Her a “stoop-and-bow”
• When encountering a Woman for the first time, such as when he enters a room, a Woman is accorded a “stoop-and-bow”
• When he leaves a room having served Women, a gentlemen accords them a “stoop-and-bow”
• When walking, She leads and he walks beside and slightly behind Her
• At social functions he remains with Her, being attentive and supporting Her in conversation
• At the theater She leads the way and presents the tickets
• In a restaurant he may make his own selections, but She places the order and pays the check
• he is expected to serve Her and Her Guests and do so in an attentive manner indicative of his and Their relative roles
• There is a right way—the Woman's way!—for every household task and service rendered
• Her career and interests take precedence 
  
• He is responsible for housework so She can better pursue Her career and personal interests
• She controls the finances
• If marriage occurs, the man takes vows of obedience and fidelity; She does not!

Joan noted that these are small things that are not the least obtrusive but are very appropriate to a modern relationship. These little courtesies become second nature to men who benefit from following them; the next morning i'd start learning them and was very excited at the prospect.

Nancy entered the living room to show me to my room for the night. Following The Protocols, i stood and looked to Her. “Good!” i recall Joan saying. Joan then extended me Her hand; I genuflected and kissed it. “Very Good!” I recall Joan saying. Then, starting to get up from Her chair, She hesitated and said, ”Oh, why not?” She sat back down, crossed Her legs and extended me Her  foot. I recall saying, “Oh, yes, Ma'am” as I knelt before Her and, gently taking Her foot, kissed it through the sheer taupe hue of Her nylons . It was the first of hundreds of times that i'd do this.

“Oh, we are going to get on splendidly” Joan said, leaving me kneeling as She rose and left the room.

d