dennis: KAITLIN RESEARCHING ALPHA FEMALES & ‘beta bois’

Several times i’ve mentioned the informal workshops Nancy and i occasionally conduct at our local Women’s Center, workshops aimed at encouraging Female-Led Relationships. i’ve also written several posts* about one of the past attendees, Kaitlin, a young woman student at a local college who, partly through our encouragement, became enthralled with Female-Led Relationships.

(*See “Matriarchal Underground – Father Didn’t Know Best!Part 1,” 10/25/2013, and “Kaitlin’s Work Goes On,” 2/25/2014.)

Kaitlin, who regards herself as a Female Supremacist, is pursuing her graduate degree with the goal of getting a college teaching position in a Women’s Studies program from which She can continue to work inspiring and empowering Women. So far, in fact, most of her wide-ranging research projects have been related, directly or indirectly, to female empowerment.

Recently Kaitlin has been conducting preliminary research on what factors constitute solid relationships. She’s working on a theory that, for the increasing number of Alpha Females, beta men – or as She calls us, “beta bois” – make better partners. It’s all about opposites attracting. Kaitlin is finding out that Alpha Women like a beta boi in their lives, and that they consider them to make better husbands. Alpha men aren’t out of the picture, though; according to Kaitlin’s research, many Alpha Women regard Alpha men as wonderful play toys, although not many consider them as viable long-term partners.

It’s fascinating what Kaitlin has discovered so far. Her long-range goal is to come up with a richly detailed portrait of the modern, Woman-led marriage. In her current phase, she is working to develop a questionnaire through which to conduct her further research.

My question to the readers of this blog: Are you interested in contributing to Kaitlin’s ongoing research? If so, and you are currently living in a Woman-Led Marriage, at some point I may ask for your responses to specific questions on this increasingly popular relationship dynamic and lifestyle. Stay tuned.

'VIVIAN': POWER IS SEXY

(Note from Mark Remond: This post is a reprise from the 7-part “Revisiting Vivian’s Domain” archive on this website (scroll down right-hand column), specifically from a longer essay that appears in Part 4, “Toward A Fantastic Marriage: How and Why Domestic Discipline Works.” “Vivian’s Domain” was originally hosted on Geocities.com, but is no longer extant, even on the Wayback Machine. “Vivian” (a cybername) addressed herself to wives, especially those seeking to recapture the romance in their marriage. )

BEAUTY AND POWER

A key component of every man’s sexuality is awe. When he sees a beautiful woman’s face or an attractive figure he is drawn almost against his will. The power that beauty has to take his attention is not lost on him. He is awestruck and overcome by that power. Have you ever noticed how men behave toward a beautiful woman? They fall all over themselves to please her in some way. Even when there is no way such behavior will result in a sexual experience, men become the willing servants of beauty.

Think about it. Your husband’s in a traffic jam. He’s mad. Somebody tries to cut in ahead of him. He curses and revs his engine and inches up to be sure the other car doesn’t get an inch ahead of him. Another car comes into view and wants to cut ahead of him. A pretty face peeks out and waves a delicate hand. What does your husband do? If he’s anything like mine, the same man that cursed and screamed at the car before suddenly becomes gracious. He smiles and nods and lets the lady pass. In this situation he may have his wife and kids in the car and be travelling through a place he will never be again. So there’s no chance he thinks he’ll ever see that woman again. Still, the instinct kicks in. There is power he cannot resist, and he is amazed at his own helplessness. He is in awe of those who can elicit that helplessness. And the most important thing I’ve found is that a man is most helpful to a woman when she makes him feel helpless.

POWER AND BEAUTY

The preceding observation is obvious to most women. We feel it far too often. We see our husbands looking at other women as if they were goddesses and looking at us as if we were mere functionaries, striving to be helpful to women they hardly know and ignoring the needs of the woman who dedicates herself to him and his family. Sometimes we become angry and resentful of our husbands, knowing that it is simply not right that he looks at other women with the passion that rightfully belongs to us. Sometimes we get down on ourselves, feeling unattractive and taken for granted and cheated out of his affection.

Although there are some exceptions (women who are so beautiful and remain so beautiful that they can inspire their husbands with that beauty even after years of marriage), for most women, even attractive ones, it is not possible after years of cohabitation and child bearing to become beautiful enough to inspire the kind of awe that will motivate her husband. So, what can a woman do?

She can understand this: Not only is there power in beauty, there is beauty in power! The “take my breath away” kind of awe that a man feels when he sees a stunningly beautiful woman is similar to the feelings he had as a young adolescent toward women of power in his life—teachers, neighborhood moms, and strict women in general.

In order to make your husband a better man and a better spouse, you need to make him eager to win your approval and fearful of earning your disapproval. You must exert the kind of power that grabs his attention, makes you beautiful to him and takes his breath away. You must make him adore you again!

Making him adore and respect you is a lot easier than you think…

…In these women [I have spoken with] I have found an underlying belief that power is bad, that to want power is worse, and that to actually exercise power is evil. It has been ingrained in these women that they are not worthy of power.

My message is that power is all over the place and cannot be avoided. If you do not exercise power, someone or something else will. It is not only your privilege to exercise power but a moral duty as well.

Domestic Discipline is a wonderful way to re-energize a stagnant sex life in a marriage. If that were its only purpose it would be worthwhile, but it does not stop there. Domestic Discipline secures a marriage on moral ground. Even Freud recognized this when he wrote that “A marriage is not secure until the wife takes a maternal view of her husband.”

For some women this is a difficult concept to accept because we tend to confuse morality with convention. In America today discipline of any kind has become unconventional, but the tide is turning. We are starting to appreciate again the benefits of traditional discipline and the value of submitting to authority in our lives.

While most women understand their own need to submit to authority, they do not understand how important it is for their husbands to do so as well, and the difficulty they have submitting to an authority that is not tangible. If we look at the history of the church in Western civilization, we find that most of the truly steadfast submission to God and church has been

practiced by women. Men have sought to make church an opportunity to gain and exercise power rather than to submit to it. Maybe it’s easier to submit to a God of the opposite gender, that a quality of “otherness” is necessary to truly submit to another, or that there is an element of sexuality even in our spirituality.

We do not hear Domestic Discipline spoken of publicly by society’s moral standard-bearers, and we certainly don’t hear about it in most churches. It is practiced, however, in many more homes than you would think. Except for the few select friends with whom I have shared the disciplinary aspect of my marriage, no one has any idea that my husband and I are practicing this. Others do envy my marriage, the devotion my husband displays toward me and the ease with which we get along. I hear such comments with some regularity. Those who make those comments sometimes ask me for my “secret.” I usually just smile and tell them how lucky I am to be married to such a good man. And I am. The honesty and vulnerability my husband shows by accepting my authority are gifts that most men are afraid to give their wives. He truly is a good man, and he gets better all the time—because I see to it that he does!

I have strayed a bit from the purpose of this section. The following are some of the moral advantages of Domestic Discipline:

THE MORAL ADVANTAGES OF DOMESTIC DISCIPLINE

* A husband who is more faithful to the marriage in heart, mind and body

* Safe, supportive and fun ways to release anger and tension in a marriage

* Motivation for a husband to continually improve himself (“He who stops being better stops being good.”—Oliver Cromwell)

* Increased vulnerability and intimacy in the marriage

* The moral authority in a marriage in is the hands of the partner with the greater tendency toward traditional morality.

* Stronger marital bonding

* The power struggles that can arise in a marriage and cause great problems are replaced with the peaceful acceptance of authority

dennis: DOMESTIC SKILLS IN A FEMALE LED RELATIONSHP—LEARNING TO IRON (Part 2)

Picking an Iron: Just like a golfer takes pride in the tools of Her hobby – Her clubs (including irons!) – so, too, do i take pride in the tool of my hobby – my iron! Pick an iron carefully; there are many good models available, so shop around. Look at them in the store, pick them up and see what is comfortable. Go through the ironing motions and see how it feels.

As far as ironing ease goes, i feel that an iron with a stainless-steel base performs better than one with a cheaper aluminum base. You can spend a little or a lot, but you definitely get what you pay for in an iron. Expect to pay at least $100 for a good model; mine cost $130. What you spend in dollars you’ll get back in terms of ironing ease and features.

And do speak with other progressive gentleman about ironing; ask them about their choice of irons, consider sharing and borrowing as a test run before you buy. i say before you buy, since most of the progressive gentlemen i know are permitted by their wives to buy their own iron. It’s interesting to buy an iron in a store, especially if you are accompanied by a Woman. Even though the progressive gentleman might ask questions about an iron, the clerk invariably looks to the Woman with the answer and sales pitch. Nancy had to repeatedly tell the clerk that “he” (meaning “me!”) does the ironing, so answer him.” Eventually the saleswoman caught on and liked the idea of a man using an iron. Old patriarchal behaviors do die hard, but people need to learn that, in the new order of things, men do – and will – iron.

(Note: See also Nancy & dennis: “My New Iron,” Sept. 21, 2012)

Additional Thoughts on Ironing as a Gentlemanly Skill:

In the first of this two-part posting, i provided a checklist of things to consider, but there is a great deal more to be learned if a gentlemen is to become truly accomplished at the ironing board. Some of this can come from numerous o-line sources, some from knowledgeable Women – as was my case – and some from experience.

By coincidence, i recently received an email from Jane, a Woman in charge of “domestic education” at the Women’s Center where i volunteer. She’s thinking about doing a multiple-session ironing course for men that would include hands-on instruction as well as extensive practicum. Ironing is already taught in the Center’s Housekeeping 101 course, but a specialized course makes sense since ironing is definitely one thing that most Women would like to see their husbands do better.

i’m all in favor of the idea and am working with Jane to come up with a curriculum. A practicum will be easy – we’ll simply have Women bring in their ironing for students to work on - under strict supervision, of course, to ensure that none of the loaned items are damaged.

Some progressive gentlemen in our number are increasingly open about their FLR lifestyle. These are the gentlemen who, like me, routinely volunteer at the Women’s Center, attend our Women’s-Centered congregation, or those who have a fulfilled relationship with a strong-willed Woman. Unfortunately these gentlemen sometimes endure whispered words intended to degrade such involvements as “sissy,” “pantywaist,” “wimp,” “pussywhipped,” and so on.

It’s unfortunate that the narrow-minded perpetrators of such insults don’t see that the future is feminine and that when gentlemen embrace such new roles, they are pointing the direction of society. But perhaps we at whom such comments are directed should not consider them derogatory, but complimentary! i never thought of my domestic service as making me a “sissy,” but if one looks at the standard definition of sissy as a “man who violates or does not meet the standard male gender role,” then, yes, i am a sissy and damn proud of it! And if surrendering my ill-granted and undeserved male authority to Women makes me a “pantywaist,” then i embrace that term, too. i passionately embrace the role of progressive gentlemen, but never that of the patriarchal male. In fact, i’ll do my damnedest to undermine the patriarchal male!

The Center is always looking to do things that benefit Women while affording men an opportunity to serve and – dare i say – atone for patriarchy. To this end, the Center now has an opportunity to acquire a now closed laundromat and is considering running a drop-off laundry service for Women. male volunteers would staff the service under the supervision of one or more of the Center’s staff. The Center would charge Women a nominal fee for the service, which would be used to cover costs and provide another source of revenue for programs. Carol, my Boss Lady at work, is very supportive of the idea and announced that working at the laundromat would count toward the service hours that male employees are encouraged to earn as our company’s support of the Center.

Good idea, don’t you think?

*

Ironing is an essential male function in an FLR. Of the FLR couples we know, men do all the ironing all the time. A man at the ironing board makes a powerful statement about a couple’s relationship. It totally divorces Her from a task that, done by a Woman, says patriarchy. He, on the other hand, has clearly taken on a task that establishes both his new role and points to Her authority.

Women generally hate to iron, but men, if introduced to the task, can learn to love it! Women see ironing as a patriarchy-imposed task while men see it as an important part of their new – and exciting role – as housekeepers.

guys! Here’s a business opportunity! If you’ve got some free time you might consider taking in ironing! With all the services on line there appears to be some demand. Women don’t like to iron and you do! Sooooo!

Women, whether in progressive relationships or not, feel men should have at least partial responsibility for ironing.

Women in progressive relationships feel that every man should own an iron and that it should be one of his own choosing.

While a Woman rightly wants to limit Her man’s spending, we advise that a top-of-the-line iron is a good investment in Her man’s ironing skills and efficiency. Limit his spending in other ways or consider having him purchase a new iron using his own money.

Where does a man do the ironing? Wherever She wants him to! You can restrict him to the solitude of the laundry room as does Linda, my friend tom’s Wife. Linda has a preference for tom’s household work being done out of sight, so much of tom’s housekeeping takes place when Linda is out or, in the case of ironing, behind the closed door of the laundry room. Nancy and Sue, on the other hand, often have me set up my ironing at one side of the living room in plain view of them and any guests. To have a man ironing while the Women watch TV or socialize is a powerful statement.

With the holidays fast approaching, consider that an iron makes a perfect gift for the progressive gentleman, and one that is right for any occasion! Things that allow him to do a job better or faster should be on the top of Your list for him.

Couples contemplating a housewarming, bachelor party or the like might consider giving an iron as a practical gift for the man of the relationship – and it also makes a powerful statement about the couple’s relative roles in the relationship. Incidentally, progressive gentlemen have bachelor parties that are more like Bridal showers of the past. The ones i’ve attended have been dignified, Woman-chaperoned affairs featuring fine china and crystal stemware.

Consider registering your man in the gift registry of a local department store. Register his china patterns, needed household items, small appliances (an iron!) to assist gift givers.

What’s on my list for Santa? A steam fabric press, like the ones used by dry cleaners.

A Romantic Fable of Femdom Fiction

Having recently published a collection of my own femdom fiction, I have found myself scanning the related titles grouped by Amazon on my product page—i.e., “Customers Who Viewed This Item Also Viewed…” On the basis of a  “Look inside,” I've purchased a half-dozen.

Some were good, some so-so, some extremely un-good, to be diplomatic. One, however, was terrific, worthy to go alongside the femdom tales of my friend William Gaius, whom I’ve mentioned here before, and the fiendishly erotic stories of Eosuchus, about whom I’ve also blogged.

The new book is Unexpected Present, a “femdom love story” by Ryan Peterson. I was instantly intrigued and charmed by my “Look Inside.” What’s this, I thought? The opening suggested a Christmas gift-exchange fable along the lines of O. Henry’s legendary “Gift of the Magi”—except instead of canceling each other out, the "Unexpected" love gift exchange promised to compound into a sizzling hot D/s voyage of discovery.

That promise is abundantly fulfilled as the story unfolds. There is lots of kinky experimentation, which drives the loving husband ever deeper into submission as the wife doubles down on her dominance. The ultimate effect, however, is to tighten the bonds of love and friendship along with the D/s bonds.

As the author confided to me later, “I was trying to write a story where the relationship (and love) between the two main characters was as important as the sex scenes.” In fact, for me, the sweet love scenes (with lots of “cuddle time”) made the torrid sex scenes even hotter.

Highly recommended and available in multiple ebook formats from, appropriately enough, SizzlerEditions. Get it early for a romantic and erotic Christmas present.

dennis: DOMESTIC SKILLS IN A FEMALE LED RELATIONSHP—LEARNING TO IRON (Part 1)

i have always enjoyed serving Women and look for situations where i can do so, whether at home, at work, in a social setting, at the Boutique where i often help out, at the Women’s Center where i volunteer, or at the Woman-led congregation where i worship.

i absolutely enjoy serving Women! Women understand my feelings and accommodate me both to their – and especially my – satisfaction. And one of the keys to improving one’s service to Women is simply the desire to do a good job. my experience is that Women have always been willing to invest Their time and effort to teach me – or any man – a new domestic skill.

i am convinced that i enjoy housework today because of the good training that i had from both my Wife’s Grandmother, Joan, and Joan’s Mother, Sue. Their training not only taught me valuable domestic skills, essential to happiness in my life with Nancy, but also instilled a level of personal pride and dedication in performing those tasks. They schooled me on the finer points of many domestic tasks, of course, but one stands out and that is ironing.

i love to iron now, but when i was first told that i had to learn, i was inwardly hesitant. Ironing seemed complicated. my real fear wasn’t of doing more work – but, rather, that i would somehow fail at the task and not meet Joan’s expectations.

Confusing my hesitance with disobedience, Joan administered some “motivation” to the backs of my bare legs – Ouch! i explained my reservations to no avail. “Reservations of not,” She promised that not only would i learn to iron but that i’d have fun doing it. It was a promise that She was to keep!

Ironing lessons started immediately. As i stepped up to the ironing board, my trepidations melted! i was suddenly more than a little excited at the prospect of ironing; it was a lot like taking a seat in a sports car – i could hardly wait to start! She was right; ironing was going to be fun!

Joan taught me so many practical things:

• The workings of the ironing board
• The workings and settings of the iron
• Proper ironing motion and the importance of keeping the iron moving at all times; “ironing is flowing,” She’d say, “almost like performing a ballet!”
• How to read garment labels to ensure they were ironed on the correct setting; too low and there would be wrinkles; too high and a garment might scorch – in either of these undesirable situations there would be painful consequences for me!
• Organizing garments from lowest to highest iron setting both to be more efficient as well as reduce the possibility of scorching more delicate fabrics
• The importance of being organized by having enough hangers and of having the hanging rack open and near-by
• Sprays, starches, what they did, when to use them, and the importance of reading the wearer’s instructions as to whether She wanted starch or not – a protocol for the Women was to properly label their ironing so it was done as they wished.
• Inspect each garment to see if it needed buttons or other repairs; I was to set aside such items and tend to them; loose buttons on returned garments were not acceptable!
• Proper hanging and folding techniques
• Use of fragrances and sachets as a finishing touch
• The use and importance of a garment steamer in keeping garments like Women’s business suits looking good

Joan started me out on simple things like handkerchiefs and slips and, as i improved, She moved me on to more complex pieces. Before long i was doing lace-trimmed blouses and pleated skirts – i love such challenging pieces! At first She stood over me through every step, but as my skills improved, She’d leave me at the board and come back periodically to check my progress.

She demanded perfection. Things that weren’t up to Her standards had to be done over and likely merit a little of Her painful brand of “motivation.” Do things right though and She just might – just might! – invite me to have a cigarette with Her! 

When Joan felt i was sufficiently skilled, She arranged for me to do ironing for Her Sisters and a few of Her Friends. They would bring over a basket of ironing and often stay and chat over coffee while i worked. They always involved me in their conversations, although i heeded the advice that the Women in Nancy’s family always gave men – “Shut up and listen!” i learned a lot by listening. The Women were indeed wise, and it was obvious why each of them was in charge of Her respective household.

Ironing quickly went from being a chore to being a hobby. Today i love coming home and seeing a basket or two of ironing for me to do. i don’t view it as part of my housekeeping but something to be enjoyed during my personal time.