Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Battle of Sexes Over -- She Wins!

"We're both more comfortable now in our proper roles." --a husband newly converted to the female-led lifestyle

That might sound like an odd comment about an extremely unconventional, role-reversal lifestyle, but it's true. Certainly for me and my wife, and I bet for many, many others. As my wife and I internalize more and more aspects of our FLR, I find that, despite the usual daily quota of conflicts, our interactions become easier. And we become more contented and "comfortable in our proper roles," just like the guy says up there. There is less friction, less rivalry, more mutual enjoyment.

Last night, for instance, in between bugging our son to do, and then keep doing his homework, I took a few minutes to leave him at the dining room table and sit down next to my wife in the living room, where she was catching up on office work while watching our daughter practice music.

She looked around to see what I wanted. I just smiled at her, a kind of goofy smile. It took her only a second to realize why I was there. Just because I wanted to be close to her, if even briefly. We had a romantic moment in that eye contact, stolen from the kids and our hectic routines.

My wife knows how I feel about her, and it's always there between us, a calm, emotional undertone. I know she feels the same way... well, not quite the same, because her love now has a special quality of accepting my devotion and worship, our special little secret.

Like that memorable exchange between Han Solo and Princess Leia from The Empire Strikes Back, just before he's dragged into the freezing chamber:

HAN: I love you.
LEIA: I know.

And that dialogue works for us. In fact, we've duplicated it, without meaning to quote. It comes from who we are to each other.

So, yes, far from being weird or alternative, I find that my wife and I really can be ourselves in an female-led relationship. We're much more comfortable than we were even a few years ago, when we were still trying to balance the tricky dynamics of who decides what, with occasional flareups and temper tantrums (mostly on my part).

For most couples, even long-married ones, the battle of the sexes is never quite over. It percolates at some level, maybe with half-humorous, sitcom-type gibes, trading insults and quips in front of friends. But not at our house. At our house, in our marriage, the battle of the sexes is over, and we've got a declared winner.

It's my wife. And me? I'm the lucky loser!

When the wife takes over, and the husband let himself be lovingly led, the benefits are substantial and mutual. One wife puts it this way:

"Surprisingly, I found that my taking over the reins smoothed out some of the rough edges in our relationship and stopped some of the bickering we used to engage in. It certainly calmed [my husband] down. This led to more control in our sexual relationship, which has had even more positive results."


Anonymous said...

Love your blog, but you reversed the Empire Strikes Back quote. Leia said "I Love You" and Han said "I know". Later, in Return of the Jedi, the lines are reversed in another scene.

Mark Remond said...

Anonymous, how could I have botched such a famous exchange? But of course you are right, and I thank you, belatedly, for setting the record straight.