Friday, June 27, 2008

Pillow Talk — Give it a Try, Guys

Have you noticed — we’re starting to get Hollywood heroes who break the “strong, silent type” mold of Wayne, Coop, Clint, et al. Vince Vaughan, Shia LaBeouf, Adam Sandler, even Robert Downey Jr as Iron Man—who am I forgetting?—these guys tend to talk a blue streak. In fact, you can’t shut ‘em up.

Yet the real macho guy, master of the one-syllable repartee (or grunt), remains the archetype. Especially in the bedroom. It’s the girl who cries out, “Oh, James!” While Bond just gives a tomcat shrug and arches an eyebrow.

This silent gunfighter image has had an lasting effect on generations of guys. We strive to underplay our parts before, during and after sex. Whatever you do, don’t show your emotions. It’s embodied in today’s casual sex hookups.

But this manly protocol gets chucked right out the window in an FLR (female led relationship), or WLM (wife led marriage). And if it doesn’t, it should.

The goal here, of course, is not to hide one’s worshipful feelings from one’s beloved, but to reveal them. Don’t try to be the “strong, silent type” when it comes to your adoration and devotion.

In Chapter 6 of my book, “Daring to Be Known by Her,” I quote Fumika Misato:
“Consider a true and honest confession of your feelings to your wife. Express yourself without reservation. Don’t be afraid to let your wife know how powerful she is. Her primary goal is to get your attention, and all that entails. Let her know that she has it. And she will be impressed, even touched, by your honesty.”

Lady Misato goes even farther, recommending wives get their husbands to tell them everything, every night (she recommends the marriage bed as the site for these nightly confessions).

While Lady Misato instructs wives in ways to extract these nightly confessions and avowals of love from their mates, there’s nothing wrong with a husband initiating them.

Like, during lovemaking. Again, to quote my book:
“For me, the throes of conjugal sex tend to trigger impromptu, lovestricken confessions. The most impassioned avowals suddenly populate my brain—mostly unoriginal, even trite. I used to suppress these, trying to maintain at least a semblance of manly reserve, knowing my blurted words might sound embarrassing afterward.
"I no longer do that—muzzle myself... These days, during the final crescendos of passion, I am more likely to let myself go—verbally as well as seminally. My wife has heard me stutter out empurpled phrases like, ‘I’m so lucky to be married to you.’ Or: ‘You are my queen.’ Or: ‘I love you, I love you, I love you.’ Or: ‘I want to belong to you completely.’ Not a few times I have reverted to simply repeating her name over and over and over, mantra-like.”

Okay, afterwards I sometimes feel a wee bit embarrassed. How must all that have sounded to her? Was I gushing like a lovesick schoolboy, or schoolgirl?

Maybe. But the point is, I’m not Clint Eastwood, or John Wayne. I’m not muy macho. You won’t see me leaving the gal of my dreams as I riding off alone into the sunset on my favorite horse. As I wrote:
“I do want to belong to her completely, etc., etc., and I want her to know it, to know me. What I have given voice to really are the innermost secrets of my heart—things I want to share with my beloved.”

My wife, as it happens, is not a talker. She’s the strong silent type in our marriage. She has not commented on my confessional binges during lovemaking, neither praised nor scolded me for them. They are just kind of “out there,” on the record. Because I cannot help myself, I have to tell her everything.

Another instance of FLR role reversal.


Burnsie said...

I wanted to let you know that your book arrived the other day. I am really enjoying it. When my wife gets back home on 07/07, she will too.

Mark Remond said...

Thanks for letting me know. It's a thrill, knowing that you find the writing worth passing on to your wife. I'll keep my fingers crossed that she enjoys it and finds some ideas therein to her liking!

enoch said...

That is so funny... in my marriage, my wife is also the one who is less likely to express her feelings. She loves to talk - conversation is important to her - but she rarely talks about her feelings. I am the one who constantly tells her how much I love her and how lucky I am. She accepts it, but doesn't elaborate on it...

Susan's Pet said...

The roles that Clint Eastwood, John Wayne, etc., were just that: roles. Whether or not the men were the stoic hero type is not known, since their public persona had to be kept for the fans. In private, who knows.

As to today's so-called heroes, I don't have much use for the ones who will bitch, whine, and cry upon a broken nail. Again, I will separate the roles from the real.

Getting back to being a male in an FLR or WLM, you can still be a hero's hero, yet worship and serve your partner. My point is, there is no typical role for the submissive man to play. Anyone trying to make one is just stupid. We may have some common traits, but we are all different.