NANCY & DENNIS REVISITED (from 2008)

Note: Nancy and Dennis are taking a brief break from guest-posting here, but are expected back shortly (and are greatly missed). In the interim, here is a reprise from the first post I did about them back on Aug. 13, 2008 -- before I was able to connect with them via email and ask them to be guest bloggers.

As you will note, Dennis was the nominal author of these brief excerpts from some of their posts on the old Yahoo “Venus on Top Discussion Board” (precursor of the "She Makes the Rules DiscussionBoard"). I enjoy his writing, but I was certainly delighted that Nancy has asserted her primacy in the more recent posts appearing here.

What struck me from the first, however, was that here was  a couple who, by their own description, not only advocated but evangelized for female-led relationships, and did so effectively and unapologetically. -- Mark Remond

Their "Backstory"

“Nancy and I have been in a female-led situation for over 25 years, Nancy is in charge of our household.
She manages our finances, makes all major decisions, and sets our social agenda. Nancy's mother, Sue, lives with us and I defer to her as I would Nancy…

“[But] while both Nancy and her mother can be quick-tempered, ours is not a BDSM relationship, nor am I going about the house teetering on heels with a feather duster when doing housework. Ours is a pragmatic relationship with a variety of house rules and expectations where my opinions are valued and considered. In the end, of course, we all recognize that women will be making the final decisions!”

“Nancy and I met in college – at a NOW meeting no less – and hit it off quickly; Nancy assumed a leadership role right from the start and that role continues to this day. Over the years she's taken more power. She's the financial manager and decision maker who is focused on her career. I, on the other hand, do the majority of the housework and am generally supportive of Nancy's career and personal goals.
Socially, we enjoy the company of other couples who, like us, are in varying degrees of female-led relationships.”

“We work at a local women's center where we conduct workshops aimed at getting wom
en to be more assertive in their personal relationships… We offer them practical tips for taking control, the first of which is for women to take control of the finances.”

“We are evangelists for female-dominated relationships and want to encourage more couples to embark on them. We advise women to take control of their relationships and do so by becoming more demanding of their men. These three points -- money, housework, and social life -- emerge as the big ones.

“What women want, in our experience, is some say in the finances, a man who'll bear his share of the housework, and a man that she can share social activities with. In our view women can't have too much control of these important relationship elements.”

FLR = Harmony & Happiness

“Nancy and I do have differences of opinion but my opinion is sought and considered, although we all recognize that within our relationship women will be making the final decision and, once made, that decision is final.”

“Our opinion is that female-led relationships have fewer issues and problems than vanilla ones, but this assumes that an FLR is a total commitment, not just a game. It also assumes benevolence on the part of the woman making the decisions in that relationship.”

“As a man I can tell you that I like knowing exactly what my wife wants and when and how she wants it done. No conflict; no arguments. And I can tell you that most men really do want to make their wives happy.”

Financial Control

“Nancy and I teach that managing finances is critical to a woman's leading a relationship. [Women] might want to enhance [their] skills in this area by seeking a skilled financial planner and/or taking some workshops. Women's organizations such as NOW and the YWCA are good places to start for such resources.”

“I'm embarrassed to say that I was quite the spendthrift early in our marriage and spending money and not able to account for it, so Nancy put her foot down and initiated some pretty strict rules. She took away my debit card, limited how much money I could have with me at any one time – I was spending WAY too much at work buying coffee, lunches, and so on for too many people, too often.

   

“Her rules include limiting me to an allowance (albeit a generous one), requiring direct depositing of my paychecks, her having access to my company savings and benefits plans, limiting my use of bank and credit cards, and requiring justification of all card charges.

“How I spend my allowance is up to me but I've made a habit of asking Nancy's opinion on larger purchases. I can request (extra funds] but there are almost always conditions attached. Having to ask for money is a tremendous statement of who is in control. We are now financially solid as a result of her controls.”

House Rules

“We have a number of practical house rules that we've established over the years, mostly things that have

just evolved from practice as opposed to being dictates from my wife. Discipline is rare; I understand her expectations and, for the most part, meet them…We are friends with other couples in similar situations – households where the men realize the innate superiority of the women and defer to them.”

Power Exchange

“[Women shouldn’t] feel guilty about using power. Men derive tremendous benefits from an FLR so women should use the power they derive from such a relationship and seek more of it…

   

“In our evangelization of this lifestyle we frequently cite our own and the experiences of couples we know in FLR situations. All are extremely happy and wouldn't want it any other way. But it takes specifics to get things rolling one small step at a time. Once the lifestyle has momentum though, our experience is
that he'll be doing more, offering more power on his own.”