TOWARD A LIFELONG FEMALE-LED MARRIAGE: OUTSIDE INFLUENCES – Part 1

Women we know who are in a female-led relationship have commented that it’s important to exercise control over their man’s friends and social activities. Those whom he associates with outside the home can have a detrimental effect on a woman’s efforts to run the household.

• A woman should be aware of who her husband is associating with and what they are doing. Peer pressure can have a very bad influence on even the best of men, and women need to intervene. A woman should prohibit her man from associating with bellicose men who are potential bad influences.

Ladies, consider that you’ve done a lot of work training him, so don’t let that good work be undone by a few out-of-control men.

Friends can have a positive influence on your man, as well. Encourage him to associate with men you deem appropriate. If his friends are docile and obey their wives, it will be that much easier for him to do so. Men love being “one of the guys”; make sure your man is “one of the guys” cleaning house, doing ironing and obeying his wife.

• Women might establish a network—yes, networking again, but it’s effective!—with the wives of their man’s friends. These women are no doubt interested in keeping tabs on things, and this is a great way to do it. When men know that their wives talk, they’re less likely to misbehave.

• We don’t advise that men be allowed outside activities unless supervised, at least in the early stages of an FLR. If such a “men’s night out” is allowed, women should be aware of who will be involved, what they will be doing and when their man will return. Men’s night out should be planned with the wives of other attendees, and the women should insist on a full account of what took place when their men return.

Of course, men’s night out (or “boys’ night out”) should be an infrequent occurrence. Such events are a burden to women and keep men from doing things they should be doing.

At least in the early stages of an FLR, many men adhere to a code of silence when it comes to reporting on what other men do or say. Your man should realize that he has an obligation to you and to other women to report on activities when the guys get together. If your man doesn’t, then he’s just as guilty as the ones who misbehave and should be subject to appropriate discipline.

Progressive gentlemen who are in an FLR will be only too happy to be involved in your network. Such men naturally lose interest in “guy” activities but are happy to continue attending them to keep an eye on things for the women. Dennis and his friend, Tom, dislike male activities, find them juvenile and boring, but they get satisfaction from helping women keep control.

A number of women we’ve spoken with forbid their husbands going out for extended periods or on weekend trips. We’ve heard numerous horror stories of men going to hunting or fishing “lodges” where very little hunting or fishing—but lots of drinking and carousing—takes place. Generally any non-business overnight trips are bad news and should be avoided.

• If men want to go on an overnight trip, why not consider having at least one or two of the wives accompany them to keep tabs on things; men do need a chaperone! If they don’t want women along, then you’ve got to wonder what they were planning. Permission to take the trip—DENIED!
• Insist that your man participate in some of your activities. Have him attend the theater, the ballet, and movies of your choosing. He should be accompanying you on shopping trips and to fashion shows and associating with you and your friends. They’re going to be much better influences on him than many of his friends who’ve yet to shake off the prejudicial thinking of patriarchy. Dennis loves being invited to “Girl’s Night Out,” a weekly event that includes mother, four of our women friends, and the occasional progressive gentlemen or two. It is an evening for women, so we call the shots as to what we’re going to do and if we want men along. We are under no obligation. Guys being invited to Girl’s Night Out is a real privilege that’s earned, not lightly granted.

Consider involving him in volunteer work at a local charity or Women’s Center. The less idle time he has, the better. His volunteering time for a Woman’s Center or feminist group has an added advantage. Not only will he be productively occupied, but he’ll typically be working with assertive women—good role models! Dennis has been working with a local women’s group for years. Every Wednesday is his day to go to the center and do whatever they need done. It could be cleaning up, making copies, filing or doing computer work. Since he’s a manager at his company, on occasion he conducts career courses for women; courses such as “interview skills,” “computer basics,” etc. Many of these workshops are aimed at women re-entering the workforce. And, of course, there are workshops aimed at encouraging women to be more assertive in their relationships with men, whether in the workplace or at home.

--N